Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 40, Season 1: The Bright Side of Suffering

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Episode 40, Season 1: The Bright Side of Suffering · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I'm your co host
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Rana Butcher here with doctor Sarah Hensley, our host, the
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: owner and CEO of The Dating Decoder, soon to be
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: the Love Doc relationship coaching services.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: I'm so excited for the rebrand.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: You have no idea. I'm ready for it to be done.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Yes, I know, lots of working parts, working very hard on.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Lots of working parts. It's yeah, it's been a little
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: bit overwhelman. But it's fun too because you know, I
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: never say like I have to do this, Like I
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: get to do all these things that, although are difficult.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: Because their technology is so hard.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Yes, it's so hard, and it's like I will solve
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: one problem and then another problem will like just come up,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: and so it's like having twenty seven task ahead of
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: you and not really knowing what to do right. But
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: you know, Josh tells me, he's like, how do you
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: eat an elephant one bite at a time? You just
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: one bite at a time. You just take it one
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: task at a time. So and there will be some
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: pain points, I mean that's just part of growing a business,
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: and you learn from those pain points and you move forward.
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: And speaking of pain, yeah, that's what this episode is
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: about today.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, episode forty The Bright Side of Suffering.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: The Bright Side of Suffering have a unique perspective on
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: this because suffering is a universal human experience. You're not
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: going to make it out of this life without having
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: at least some moments of suffering. Yeah, right right, It
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: comes for us all, And if it hasn't come for
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: you yet, just know that it will because it's inevitable.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: No one goes unscathed. No.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: And so we've really found in the science though, that
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: people that experience trauma, like real suffering from trauma can
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: kind of go one of two directions towards post traumatic
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: stress disorder or towards post traumatic growth. And we sort
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: of know what can predict someone going down each of
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: those paths. And I have experienced post traumatic growth, and
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: I now am thankful for the suffering that I went through,
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: as hard as it was. And if you asked me
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: if I would repeat it, I mean I would, but
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: oh my goodness.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: I would only knowing what you know now, knowing what
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: I know now.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: Right, only if I would be promised the same out right, Before.
• 2:43
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  Speaker 1: All Right. The science, the science, the science of suffering,
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: let's talk about it.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: So there's been some really cool research looking at people
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: who have experienced trauma and suffering and positive psychological interventions
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: versus standard psychological interventions like CBT cognitive behavioral therapy, and
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: those who went through positive psychological interventions where their therapist
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: focused on, you know, finding positive meaning on resiliency, on,
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: you know, recognizing your own strengths through suffering. Those people
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: were more likely to be on the trajectory or to
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: reach what is considered post traumatic growth and to actually
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: find sort of the positive outcomes of their suffering, because
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: suffering is something that truly can be the best launching
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  Speaker 2: point for growth, for healing, for change in your life,
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  Speaker 2: for community. I know suffering. Nobody wants to suffer, right no,
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: and we're not promised to life without suffering because the
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: evil one is alive and well. And as long as
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: we are earthly beings where Satan rules the earth, you know,
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: God rules the heavens and Satan rules the earth, we're
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: going to have suffering. We've had suffering since the beginning
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: of humanity. But it doesn't have to destroy us. In fact,
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: it can make us much better. And I would consider
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: myself twenty times the human that I was before I
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: went through all of my trauma. And so what I
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: want to say to people right now is that if
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: you're deeply suffering, just know that, even though it's hard
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: to see beyond it right now, that if you can
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: just focus, if you can make your focus on your resiliency,
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: your strength, building, community action, taking positive action.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: No one should have to suffer alone. I think community
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  Speaker 1: is it's huge.
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  Speaker 2: And I know we just talked about TikTok, but that
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: served as a community for me for you know, my deepest,
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: darkest times. And so no, we don't want to suffer alone.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: I would absolutely recommend turning to God because God really
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: is the best outlet for suffering. I mean, Christ suffered
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: tremendously on the cross and we can't even begin to
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: imagine how he suffered. But he suffered so that we
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: don't have to, you know, And how do we not
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: have to? Well it's not unavoidable, but it doesn't have
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: to completely destroy us. Like I said, it can offer
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: us a perspective that we've never had before. I am
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: so grateful. I am absolutely filled to the brim with
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: gratitude just about every day of my life. And yes,
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: humility because here's the thing. We've talked about this right,
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: and people that have listened to all the episodes and
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: have been following us, they know that my family has
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: gone through something really difficult that cannot be discussed, still
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: freaking ongoing.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: It's going on like eight months now.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the ridiculousness of our legal system. But I
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: got knocked off my high cloud, right. I was just
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: sowering on a cloud of goodness for several years with
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: my perfect, hot husband and my wonderful kiddos and my
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: thriving business and my sweet little dogs and having you
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: as a best brand. Yes, we were thinking of it
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: every same time because we are the same person. And
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: I was just like, gee, everything in my life is
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: so perfect. And then there was someone that noticed that
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: and was like, I think I want to destroy you.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: And you know, they tried, but they can't win. So
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: that was a tough one because I think I got
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: a little too prideful. And that was one of the
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: lessons of this latest round of suffering, was that pride
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: cometh before the fall. You know. I thought like, oh,
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: I can handle absolutely anything, and the truth is that
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: I can. But it wasn't as easy as I thought
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  Speaker 2: it was going to be to bounce back. Even knowing
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: all of what I know and doing all the healing
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: that I have done. I'm still a human. I'm still
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: vulnerable and susceptible to pain, you know. But again, it
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: taught me to continue to lean in to God and
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: to continue to hold on to gratitude. I mean, my
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: husband and I were watching this movie. I forget what
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: it's called. Sorry, he picked it out.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Sorry.
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: It's an older movie with Charlie Sheen and it's about
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: the Vietnam War. And every time I think about the
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: Vietnam War see films or you read about the Vietnam War,
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: I think about how awful it was for those guys
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: that were drafted. I they didn't want to go to war,
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: and they were put in the most dangerous, most miserable
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: situation that I mean, like being eaten alive by red ants,
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: being having to sleep in storm in the swamp with
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: people just jumping out and shooting at you constantly, and
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: just and there thinking like what was their nerve? What
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: are their nervous systems doing in that scenario? Right, I mean,
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: just absolutely in pure survival mode. And my dad would
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: tell me about his friends that came back from Vietnam.
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  Speaker 2: He got a pass because he was in college during Vietnam,
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  Speaker 2: but his best friend went and just how they weren't
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  Speaker 2: the same, you know. And I think about, Okay, yes,
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  Speaker 2: what I have going on is difficult, but I'm not
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  Speaker 2: drafted into a foreign country potentially getting ready to die
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: every five seconds, being eaten alive by bugs and sleeping
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  Speaker 2: in a swamp. So there's perspective, right that we have
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  Speaker 2: to haveely, And I know that it's sort of cliche
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: to be like, well, it could be worse, but it
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: could be worse, absolutely right, it could be worse.
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  Speaker 1: I mean I think we were having that conversation the
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: other day because I was like, well it was Sunday.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: I don't remember the how it went, but I was
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: just like, gosh, all I can think about right now
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: is you know the people in California who are suffering.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: I mean, you're talking about the biggest national disaster of
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: our country ever. Oh is that national? It's in California
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: right now. And just the trajectory of like, how many
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: people are suffering? And when I think about that, I'm like,
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: my suffering is nothing.
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And just like the people of North Carolina, I mean,
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: you are still still in the snow. I don't know
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: where you live, but here in Kentucky we just had
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: snow apocalypse and ice apocalypse. It is like zero degrees here.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: I mean, you don't even want to pump your gas.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: It is temperature miserable. Okay, that's all I can ex
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: like you don't even want to step outside now your
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: snot freeze is immediately, like it's awful.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: Our kids have been to school two days since Christmas break, Yeah,
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: two days, and we're at the end of January, and
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: so they were supposed to go back the first week
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: in January, and it has been ongoing, ongoing. They've been
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: back to school two full days, like that's it and
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: we're over it, and they're so over it. But the
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: people of North Carolina are experiencing similar weather and they're
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: sleeping intents on the cold ground. People are so home
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: because they're homeless, and our federal government gave them zero
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: eight seven hundred fifty dollars check if they were even
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: lucky to get that, and so and some of these
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: people that were talking, you know, of course on TikTok,
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: they had a newborn child and they had to go
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: back to a tent in the snow. And so I
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: don't want to minimize anybody's suffering out there. I mean,
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: of course, if you're going through a divorce, or you've
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: been cheated on, or you're you know, heaven forbid, you've
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: lost a loved one. I mean, I don't want to
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: minimize that and just know that you're not alone. You
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: are not alone and you're suffering. And we're not about
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: comparing trauma here at all, but we're just saying that
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: people do make it to the other side, even through
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: unimaginable circumstances where they have lost children or lost parents
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: or lost everything everything that they own, and there are
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: people that still come out better, right better.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, if you think about a lot of the
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: natural disasters, even I mean these communities, and in this
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: case in California, La County, I mean you're talking about
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: a huge mile radius in terms of how these fires
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: affected the land sow and I mean they'll bounce back.
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: I mean, they're a tight community. I was talking to
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: my friend who lived in La for a long time,
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: and she was like, you know, the thing that people
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: don't realize is that, you know, because there was a
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: bunch of stuff going around on social media like, well,
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: I guess you know, even if you're rich, it's not
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: it doesn't protect you from natural disaster. And I'm like,
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: she's like, the thing that people don't realize is that, yes,
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: there are a lot of rich people in the Palisades,
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: but those rich people employ gardeners, housekeepers like people whose
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: median annual in come is like fifty thousand dollars a year,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: and so now they don't have jobs, and so that again.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: The indirect effects of the things.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: Yes, and so it's not just about, oh, these celebrities
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: are finally I'm going to suffer. I mean, no one
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: should have to suffer like that for your hossibly not.
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's unimaginable. And every single day we wake
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: up to more tragedy. It's it's unavoidable. And so we
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: have to have a way to cope, right. We can't
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: just cross our fingers and hope it doesn't come for us.
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: It's coming for you, because that is life. And so
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: how do you cope when you've lost everything. I felt
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: like at one point I had lost most of everything
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: I saw in my house, I saw had my children,
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: And so I will say that, you know, I can't
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: compare myself to people who have lost their homes and
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: their children. But I lost my health, I lost for
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: a period of time, my mother, I lost the father
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: of my kids. I lost somebody that I loved, I
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: lost my dog, I lost all my money, and you know,
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: I had to rebuild from a very very deep hole.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you lost your faith too, and losing
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: faith too is.
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, but then all that loss found me to
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: the greatest faith of my life. And so I sort
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: of see these two roads, right, like if you go
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: down the road that a lot of people go down
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: of PTSD, which not everybody can help having PTSD. That's
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: not what I'm saying here. But what I'm saying is
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: there are things that make it more likely that you
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: will develop PTSD. Those are an external locus of control,
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: which is sort of like a victim mentality, like there's
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: nothing I can do. This is helpless as a hopeless situation.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: So loss of hope or what we call external locus
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: of control believing that your actions don't matter to make
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: your situation better, is going to take you down the
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: road to PTSD. Not getting appropriate psychological help and intervention.
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: You know, there are therapists that are essentially free in
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: community based mental health services, and so if cost is
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: an issue, check out whatever your local community based mental
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: health services are and get into someone, talk to someone.
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: A Bible study. I mean that was life saving for me.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: For sure, And I mean I will give all the
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: credit to God. You know, if you're going down the
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: road of suffering realizing that your life is always a
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: blank canvas. The next day is a blank canvas, and
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: you are the artist of your life and what you
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: do does matter. It matters. And I actually did my
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: dissertation on sort of this idea of searching or not.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: My dissertation my master's thesis on searching versus solving and
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: the psychological impacts of searching for meaning, like when people
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: go through a divorce or you know, another relational track
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: and you know, does it help to search for a meaning?
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: Does it help to solve for solutions? They both serve
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: a purpose. But we can get really stuck in the searching.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: We can get really really stuck and trying to find
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: why did this happen to me? Versus Okay, now what
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: do I do? Right? And we feel a lot better
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: when we have a plan of what we're going to do.
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: So if you're stuck on ruminating over why did this
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: happen to me, just know you're probably never going to
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: fully understand it till God lets you in on that
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: someday and continuing to try to search and search and
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: search for the meaning behind it and ruminating o or
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: why me? Why me? That that's keeping you very, very stuck.
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: It's not helping you complete the emotional processing cycles you
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: need to complete for you to stabilize your nervous system.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: You need to be able to feel your feelings and
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: feel them through your body and accept what you feel.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: But also you can shift. You can accept that yes
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: I feel disappointed, Yes I feel sad, Yes I feel grief,
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: Yes I feel whatever it is you're feeling. And I
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: know that I'm ultimately going to be okay here, and
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: I'm going to get a plan together for how I'm
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: going to be even the littlest bit okay tomorrow. And
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: I would say take every opportunity to make each moment
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: just a little bit better, whether that's a warm blanket,
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: a cup of coffee, you know, talking to a friend,
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: hugging your dog. Just lean into the little moments of
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: comfort that you can find, because those can be literally
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: life or death when you're in the pit of trauma.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: I know that I was having a call with a
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: potential client the other day and she was in distress.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: She was in real distress, and her boyfriend was coming
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: over to break up with her. And she was an
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: older woman you know, in her sixties, and she was
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: really struggling, and I could hear it in her voice,
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: you know, just really no rational thought, no like I
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: mean genuinely feeling like she was going to die.
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: And attachment anxiety will make you feel like you want
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: to die.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you know, as best as I could, of course,
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: because I'm I'm not a coach anymore, but as best
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: as I could, you know, I told her, you know,
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: the thing that you need to do right now is
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: really get into your body, you know, assure yourself that
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: you're safe, right, that you're not going to die if
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: he comes over and breaks up with you, and that
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: you're not alone. That's right, you know, you're not alone.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: We're here, We're a resource for you. Which she did
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: end up booking with Coach Elizabeth, so awesome.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: I'm glad because I think Coach Elizabeth will do a
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: good job, but absolutely offering her some solutions to start
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: to stabilize her nervous system. Yeah, and I mean, yeah,
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: you have to be able to not isolate, which a
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: lot of people isolate as an avoidant coping mechanism, and isolation,
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: although that can work to help you suppress, it will
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: take you down a very dark road. Eventually it will
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: catch up with you. The suppression is not emotional processing,
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: and the suppression of emotion leads to disease and it
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: leads to poor psychological outcomes. But also the unregulated feeling
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: of emotion does so too. It's not just oh, you
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: just got to feel your feelings. People don't know what
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: that means. It's not just have the cry fest. It's
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: actually leaning into your body and noticing where the sensations are.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: Because the language of emotion is through feeling in the body.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: And when we don't allow our bodies to give us
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: the message and we don't lean into where is it
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: coming from and what is it telling me and accept
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: that it's there, that's the only way that it dissipates,
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: the only way that it dissipates. And to really send
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: your brain signals that you're safe, you know, practice breath work,
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: practice somatic, you know healing strategies, and if you want
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: some good ones, definitely joind my coaching group because we
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: have I think some of the best scientific strategies to
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: truly regulate your nervous system after you've experienced attachment trauma
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: or other traumas and you.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: I mean, you can go read our testimonials and hear
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: from other people that have gone through the course or
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: gone through the group or done one on ones with you,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: And I think the testimonials again speak for themselves. You know,
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: there's this is an interesting story side story. But Sarah
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: and I go to the same Alash girl. Yeah, and
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: I get extreme anxiety.
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: And as she tells me, when I go to the girl,
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: that your hands.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: Away, and so you know, and sometimes it's fine and
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: then other times it's not, and so it's weird. It's strange.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: Right now, I've always had this very strange phobia about
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: like sharp things near my eyes. Like if you were
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: holding a pin right now and you were like talking
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: to me with the point at the end, I'd be like,
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: I don't know, It's this weird, strange thing that I've
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: suffered from since I was girl. And so when she
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: gets close to my eyeballs, it just freaks me out.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: And I really start feeling all the sensations of anxiety.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: Right I'll start sweating, I'll get flushed, I'll my feet
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: want to move a lot, like, I'll get like anxious
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: legs or whatever. And you know, I've just had to
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: start telling myself like, no, you're safe. She's not gonna.
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: Poke your eye out, and she's good. It's just fantastic.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: She's like, I promised, I've been doing this for a
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: long time and I'm not going to poke your eye.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, and I know it's a silly thing
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: to have anxiety about, but you know, the finicky thing
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: about anxiety is sometimes you just don't know how it's
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: going to show up, and so you have to start
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: paying attention to.
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: That, right you do. And emotions carry signals, they have
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: signal value, and they're made up of energy, energy and motion,
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: and we can hold that energy within us. We can
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: allow it to run all over our body, or we
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: can attend to it and allow to flow out of us,
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: which is what true emotional processing looks like. And people
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: are amazed when I teach them that in group, like
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: you know, you've not been They're like, I cry all
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: the time. I'm like, that's not necessarily processing emotion. That's
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: allowing emotion to surface. It's not processing it and processing
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: it isn't thinking through it either. That's intellectualizing.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: Well, and somebody posted I think it was just last night.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: Somebody commented and said, I'm going through doctor Hensley's course
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: right now and it was today years old, and I
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: learned that there's a difference between feelings and emotions.
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there is, so for those of you that are
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: out there going what we use the terms interchangeably in
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: our society, and that's just how we are. Feelings are
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: the somatic sensations of emotion. So the feelings are one
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: quality of emotion, but the emotions are actually made up
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: of the somatic sensations, which are the feelings plus our
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: thoughts or story about what's happening to us. And we
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: can absolutely correct that story, and we can absolutely attend
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: to the sensations.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: Which is the foundation of what you teach, right.
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: So if we can change the story and we can
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: usher out the negative sensations, we can deliberately change our
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: emotional state. And that went against you. When we kind
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: of found that out as a group of scientists in
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: the psychological community, we were like, well, that goes against
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: everything that we've ever been taught. Right, And emotions are
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: what they are, and you can't fix them or change them, No,
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: you just have to process them in order to shift them.
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: You know, energy can't be created or destroyed. It can
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: only be manipulated and moved around. And so that's what
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: we do when we process emotion, is we are ushering
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: out the energy instead of storing it withinside of us.
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: But it only ushers out when we take the real
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: message from it. How do we get the message? The
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: sensations tell us the message right, and then the story
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: may or may not be true surrounding those sensations. And
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: we have to really challenge our thinking in our negative
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: stories that we tell ourselves. Because I promise you, as
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: a former fearful avoidant who went through a lot of trauma,
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: you can break your own heart and scare yourself very easily,
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: and your own thoughts can talk yourself on.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: The ledge or off the ledge absolutely.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: And so if you don't realize how powerful your mind
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: is and how powerful your body is, please come join
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: me in my coaching group, because you can make it
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: work for you if you're suffering, or you can make
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: it work against you and you're suffering. And I'm just
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: ever thankful that I found God to stabilize me, God
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: to give me hope and to give me gratitude and humility,
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: and just a glimmer an ounce of love and joy
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: when I thought I wanted to die, and that grew
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: and to not just an ounce but an abundance of
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: love and of joy and changed my life for the better.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: But also I truly believe God led me to this science,
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: the science of true regulation, true processing of emotion, and
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: it saved me in this last ballut of suffering, saved
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: my life again. And God, man, he's so good. He
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: always comes through.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: Man, he is so good. I mean, I think that
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: it's ironic that we're having this episode because just this
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: morning I was talking to my jazzer says, ladies about
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: something related to suffering in my past, you know, and
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: then I summed it up with, you know, but I
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: wouldn't change a thing. There's not one thing I would
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: change because I wouldn't be here. I probably wouldn't have Josh,
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: and not just that, I don't know if I would
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: appreciate Josh and the relationship that we have as much
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: as I do. And I think, you know, circling it
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: back around to the silver lining of suffering, it just
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: makes you so much more appreciative of the things that
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: you do have when you've seen that rock bottom and
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: everybody's rock bottom looks a little bit.
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: Everybody's rock bottom looks different, that's right, And we can't
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: compare trauma or judge other people for what they've been
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: through or how it's changed them. But what I want
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: people to deeply know from listening to this episode is
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: that you're suffering right now does not have to define
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: the rest of your life. You do not have to
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: live the rest of your life as a traumatized, miserable person,
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: even if you've suffered the greatest loss imaginable, which in
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: my opinion would be the loss of a child. God
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: is with you, and this place is temporary, and there
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: is everlasting life where there will be no suffering, no tears,
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: no death, no grief, And if we can just set
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: our sights on God, we get a glimpse of what
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: that will be like. Yeah, we get some of that
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: here on earth, and it's the only thing that truly
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: alleviates the darkest of pain.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: I agree. I want to ask one question specifically for
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: listeners who are either debating whether to do therapy or
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: maybe your program, because this is a question that I
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: see a lot. You know, what's the difference between therapy
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: and coaching?
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: Yes, very good question. Therapy is very exploratory. It's a
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: lot of you talking and you discovering revelations through a
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: therapist to guide you about your own self and your
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: own experiences. So you talk and the therapist sort of
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: guides you to make a lot of your own revelations.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: Now they can have insight and they can give you
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: some coping tools, for sure, but it's much more about
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: generating understanding and healing through understanding. And although I think
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: that's a wonderful thing, I believe in therapy. I have
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: gone to therapy. I recommend other people go to therapy.
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: It serves a very wonderful purpose. But for a lot
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: of people who especially have attachment traumas, which are the
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: root of pretty much all their suffering in their life,
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: coaching gives you prescriptive strategies to change, like do this,
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: not that, whereas therapy is like, let's make our own discoveries.
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: Let's come to this understanding. So coaching assumes we have
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: some understanding, and if you don't, I'll give it to you.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: But understanding isn't the end result, it's the starting point.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: Once you have understanding, then you've got to learn how
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: to execute and build capacity to execute different behavior, and
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: that's where coaching can really step in, right, So think
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: about it, like if you were like a basketball player
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: and you really wanted to make the basketball team, but
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: you you know, you're great on defense, but you're not
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: a great shooter. Right, So you have some good qualities,
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: some things that might help you make the team, but
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: you really need to improve your shot. A therapist would
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: come in and they would want you to talk about, well,
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: how do you feel when you miss a shot? And
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: what do you think? You know, what goes through your
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: head when you miss a shot, and understanding a little
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: bit behind, you know, the psychological reasons of what maybe
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: is hindering you and missing these shots. A coach is
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: going to come in and say, your feet are too
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: far apart, right, like you need to uh square a
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: square up. You need to you know, hold the ball
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: this way. You know, you need to give more menum
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: in this direction.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: More fundamental.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so they're very prescriptive. It's going to tell you
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: the dynamics of like how to make a better shot.
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: We're not going to talk about how it feels to
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: not make the shot. And maybe you know how you
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: could get into a better headspace before the game.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just that analogy. I'm so going to use
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: that on these calls that I have with people because
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: I get it. It's just a question that I get
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: a lot on the consultation calls because sometimes people come
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: in and they think you're a therapist. Yeah, like, no,
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: she's not a therapist, she's a coach. There's a difference.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: Well what is the difference? And sometimes it's hard for
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: me to break it down, you know, in a tangible
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: way that they can really understand. And so that's a
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: really great analogy. So I'm going to use that note taken.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: So Ben, I just came up with that on spot.
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: I know, so impressive, great analogy. You come up with
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: all stuff on the spot where I'm.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: Like, what, I also trip over my words a lot
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: because my brain works so fast, works faster than my mouth. Yeah,
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: a lot of people they're like, can you sow down
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: just a little bit, Like I'm sorry, I know I
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: do talk fast.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: I'm a fear of former, fearful avoidant. My brain is
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: an emotional supercomputer.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: Yes, I know. I've always described myself as animated my
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: entire life. But it's just fearful. It's just fearful avoiding.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: It's just like, yeah, it is so of course suffering.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: We don't want anyone who's listening or who may listen
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: in the future to suffer alone. And so please please
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: help you. Yes, please go check out doctor Hansley Services
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: at the Dating dcoder dot com. Guys, it will soon
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: be the lovedoc dot com.
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: We're so excited. I know it's new colors and new logo.
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: The business is the same. It just the Dating Decoder
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: does not encompass what I do anymore. I don't just
• 31:55
  Speaker 2: help folks that are in the dating space. I help
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: folks in all stages, whether you're seeing goal and wanting
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: to improve yourself for a new relationship, whether you have
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: been married for thirty years, I can help you improve
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: your relationships. So the rebrand is just going to really
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: reflect that.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and it aligns with the podcast and it all
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: makes sense. We're gonna get a new set. Same. I'm
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: excited about the set.
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: I know.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: I've been looking at like stuff on Pinterest and it's
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: like I'm getting really excited.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: So I need to go to home.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: I know home good okay, but anyway, so please write
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: to us. I haven't said that in a while. Please
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: reach out to us at the Love dot at gmail
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: dot com, the Love doc Podcast at gmail dot com. Uh,
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: you know, leave us a recommendation were We are currently
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: taking applications for people who want to do on air coaching,
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: which plans to do roughly about one a month. So
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: there is currently a waitlist. But please if that's something
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: that you want to get on board with, please reach
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: out to us. I'll put you on the waitlist. And
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: then of course go check out doctor Hensley Services at
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: the Dating Decode. While you're there, you can also check
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: out coach Elizabeth. I think it's awesome to give a
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: shout out to her because she's going to be teaching
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: group now.
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I will still be doing groups, don't worry,
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: but the groups are getting so big now that I
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: can't I don't have enough slots like in my schedule.
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: I never thought that I would scale a business this big,
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: but we are essentially. Coach Elizabeth has been sitting in
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: on my groups and really just learning the ropes of
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: how to handle a group coaching situation. She's an amazing
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: individual coach Master's level, Master's and counseling. She's had an
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: attachment theory framework even before she came on board with me.
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: She uses my curriculum and she's going to run the
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: groups just like I do, at a lower cost, So
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: there will be a lower cost group option, and there
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: is one actually now posted. She has a couple of groups.
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: Posted twenty seventh is hers, and then she's going to
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: do one every month, so please go check those out.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: And you know, again, no suffering should be done alone.
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: We're here for you, for you. We love you, guys.
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: We just cannot again. We express this a lot, but
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: I don't think we should never we should never stop
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: expressing it.
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: Yes, without you, there would be no us.
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we're just so grateful.
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: We're so grateful.
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I hope that that comes off very authentic.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: So we love you, guys. Please continue to listen, like, subscribe, follow,
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: leave a review, and until next time, peace, love and perspective.