Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S4E15 - How Much Freedom Should I Give My 10-Year-Old (Without Sacrificing Safety)?

Transcript

S4E15 - How Much Freedom Should I Give My 10-Year-Old (Without Sacrificing Safety)? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
• 0:06
  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
• 0:10
  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
• 0:11
  The Kid Counselor.
• 0:11
  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
• 0:14
  I answer real parenting questions
• 0:16
  about behavior,
• 0:17
  emotions,
• 0:17
  and the parent-child relationship.
• 0:19
  In today's episode,
• 0:21
  I'm answering a question from Mariah.
• 0:22
  It's actually a follow-up question.
• 0:25
  So,
• 0:26
  I answered Mariah's question,
• 0:27
  I don't know,
• 0:28
  maybe a month and a half or so ago
• 0:30
  about screen time,
• 0:31
  and now there's a follow-up question
• 0:34
  about the result of limiting screen time.
• 0:36
  So this is actually kind of a really cool full circle thing.
• 0:38
  So Mariah,
• 0:39
  thanks for emailing again.
• 0:40
  So let me read parts of the email and we will dive in.
• 0:45
  This is interesting because as they implemented less screen time in the home,
• 0:51
  now the child wants to be outside playing with friends more,
• 0:54
  but that has created new considerations.
• 0:56
  So
• 0:57
  really interesting how one decision changes as a ripple effect some other ones.
• 1:02
  So here's parts of the email.
• 1:05
  Thank you for
• 1:06
  your feedback about screen time for my 8 and 10 year olds.
• 1:09
  Since then,
• 1:09
  I've set a 2 hour daily screen limit for our household.
• 1:12
  As expected,
• 1:13
  I got some pushback,
• 1:14
  especially for my 10 year old,
• 1:15
  but overall the transition has actually been going well.
• 1:18
  Instead of complaining about being bored or asking for his tablet,
• 1:21
  he now frequently asks to go outside and play with his friends.
• 1:24
  This is a huge win for us both.
• 1:26
  Now I'm struggling with finding the
• 1:28
  right balance regarding freedom and independence.
• 1:31
  We live in a small rural town where his friends live in our neighborhood.
• 1:34
  They're allowed to roam without adult supervision.
• 1:36
  They go fish,
• 1:37
  they visit the park,
• 1:38
  and they ride bikes around town.
• 1:39
  My son constantly asks to join them,
• 1:41
  but my husband and I feel he's too young to be in public without an adult,
• 1:45
  even though we do allow him to play at the neighbors' houses and spend the night.
• 1:48
  He gets very upset claiming we never let him do anything and asking for more freedom.
• 1:53
  I try to explain that my main priority is
• 1:55
  keeping him safe and that our household operates differently,
• 1:58
  but I worry I might be overbearing.
• 2:00
  At what age is it appropriate to start allowing this level of independence,
• 2:03
  and how can I navigate this without letting my own fears take over?
• 2:07
  OK,
• 2:07
  really helpful question,
• 2:08
  Mariah.
• 2:09
  So
• 2:10
  as
• 2:11
  we
• 2:12
  make changes,
• 2:13
  it begets new
• 2:15
  things that we have to make sense of.
• 2:17
  So
• 2:17
  you limit screen time,
• 2:19
  whereas before he was allowed to be on his tablet all the time or
• 2:22
  watching TV all the time or video games all the time or whatever.
• 2:25
  Well,
• 2:25
  now he's going,
• 2:26
  let me go outside.
• 2:27
  Let me go be with my friends.
• 2:28
  It is a huge win.
• 2:30
  But now there's the element of,
• 2:32
  OK,
• 2:33
  so
• 2:34
  I never had to worry about him being outside of my presence
• 2:38
  when he was in the house on a screen.
• 2:41
  Now if he goes out with his friends,
• 2:42
  this is a totally different dynamic.
• 2:44
  So I don't know that there's a one
• 2:47
  stop answer or kind of like one set scenario that's going to solve all of this for you,
• 2:52
  but I want to just share some thoughts.
• 2:54
  So the first is
• 2:56
  I'm wondering if you've considered an internet-free phone.
• 2:59
  And there are quite a few options out there.
• 3:02
  Gabb is one that I've actually partnered with.
• 3:04
  So if you want to look into a Gabb phone with two B's,
• 3:07
  GABB,
• 3:08
  you can save money if you use the promo code play.
• 3:11
  There's also a Pinwheel phone.
• 3:13
  There are some others that have emerged.
• 3:14
  And so what that would allow you to do
• 3:17
  is potentially give more freedom
• 3:19
  because you can reach him at any time.
• 3:21
  He can reach you at any time.
• 3:23
  You have Geolocator where you can see exactly
• 3:26
  where he is.
• 3:28
  But it is truly just for texting,
• 3:31
  phone calls,
• 3:32
  music,
• 3:32
  and pictures.
• 3:34
  So there's no internet connectivity,
• 3:35
  there's no social media.
• 3:37
  He can't do anything on it other than
• 3:40
  like an old school flip phone capacity.
• 3:43
  But no kid wants a flip phone.
• 3:44
  So,
• 3:45
  so don't do that to your kids.
• 3:46
  Buy them a phone that looks like a real phone,
• 3:49
  but it just has a different functional set.
• 3:52
  OK,
• 3:52
  so that's one option because then that would give you peace of mind.
• 3:55
  You can pull up,
• 3:56
  see where he is.
• 3:57
  You can reach him at any time.
• 3:58
  He can reach you.
• 4:00
  That may allow you to be a little bit more flexible with where he goes.
• 4:04
  Another option is
• 4:06
  If obviously maybe not riding bikes because
• 4:09
  riding bikes is more of a distance thing.
• 4:11
  But if he wants to go fish,
• 4:13
  if he wants to go to the park
• 4:15
  with his friends.
• 4:17
  You or your husband
• 4:18
  might go as well
• 4:20
  and just sit off in the distance
• 4:22
  and let them be independent,
• 4:24
  let them fish,
• 4:25
  let them go to the park,
• 4:26
  let them do what they would do as if you weren't there,
• 4:29
  but you accompany them and then keep your distance once you're there,
• 4:32
  and it's just kind of like keep an eye on from a distance kind of safety.
• 4:37
  That may give you some peace of mind as well.
• 4:40
  Third option is
• 4:41
  you give him freedom to do maybe one of those things,
• 4:44
  but not all of them.
• 4:45
  So maybe you're going to say,
• 4:47
  you know what,
• 4:48
  riding bikes all over town,
• 4:49
  yes,
• 4:50
  it's small and rural,
• 4:51
  but riding bikes all over town,
• 4:52
  that seems
• 4:54
  too much,
• 4:55
  but
• 4:56
  The place where they fish is close.
• 4:59
  The place where they fish is safe,
• 5:02
  so
• 5:02
  you might say to your son,
• 5:05
  I know you would like to spend more time with your
• 5:07
  friends and I know you'd like to have more freedom.
• 5:10
  Right now,
• 5:12
  I don't feel comfortable with you riding bikes,
• 5:14
  but I am comfortable with you going fishing.
• 5:18
  So if you choose to hang out with your friends,
• 5:19
  you choose to go fishing with them.
• 5:22
  OK,
• 5:23
  without me around.
• 5:25
  And what you've done is you've given a little bit of freedom
• 5:29
  and you're essentially kind of testing how it goes.
• 5:33
  Because
• 5:34
  if
• 5:35
  it goes well
• 5:36
  when he goes and fishes with his friends
• 5:38
  and
• 5:39
  they're safe and there's no concerns that you have and
• 5:42
  he's back when he says he's going to be back
• 5:44
  and it's a pretty seamless transition to more independence.
• 5:49
  Then maybe down the road you feel comfortable
• 5:52
  adding another option.
• 5:55
  But
• 5:55
  the expectation that needs to be set
• 5:58
  is
• 6:00
  You would really like more freedom,
• 6:02
  and I would like to give you some.
• 6:05
  But
• 6:05
  we need to mutually agree
• 6:07
  that this is working out.
• 6:09
  So,
• 6:10
  if you choose to go hang out with your friends and fish,
• 6:13
  you choose to follow the rules that I've set.
• 6:15
  And if you choose not to follow the rules that I've set,
• 6:18
  then you choose not to fish with your friends alone anymore.
• 6:21
  And maybe the rules are
• 6:23
  He has to answer if you call.
• 6:24
  He has to be home when he says he's going to be home,
• 6:27
  and they cannot go anywhere other than the fishing hole
• 6:30
  or the river or the lake or I don't know where y'all are fishing,
• 6:33
  but.
• 6:34
  In the South,
• 6:35
  we call it a fish and hole,
• 6:36
  so I don't know what you're doing,
• 6:37
  but
• 6:38
  so you have this
• 6:40
  expectation that you've set
• 6:41
  that your child is going to comply with certain rules,
• 6:44
  and if he's willing and able to comply with certain rules,
• 6:48
  then you might two months from now add
• 6:51
  that
• 6:51
  he can go to the park.
• 6:53
  And so you're essentially communicating,
• 6:55
  I'm trusting you.
• 6:58
  With
• 6:58
  a caveat.
• 7:00
  And the caveat is,
• 7:02
  if you prove that you're not responsible enough,
• 7:05
  if you prove that I can't trust you yet,
• 7:07
  if you prove that you forget things,
• 7:09
  if you prove that you do not comply.
• 7:13
  Then we're back to
• 7:15
  you're choosing not to go fishing with your friends.
• 7:18
  So that would be a third option.
• 7:19
  And I,
• 7:20
  like I said,
• 7:20
  that wasn't a comprehensive list.
• 7:22
  Those are just the three things that popped into my head.
• 7:24
  Now,
• 7:24
  I'm gonna tell a real quick story to illustrate something.
• 7:27
  So my husband grew up
• 7:29
  in a rural small town in Michigan.
• 7:31
  So for those of you Michiganders,
• 7:32
  if you know where Clio is,
• 7:34
  that's where he grew up,
• 7:35
  and
• 7:36
  he lived on a dirt road.
• 7:38
  And was allowed to roam freely
• 7:41
  all the time as a child.
• 7:43
  I mean,
• 7:43
  he literally would get home from school
• 7:45
  and he'd be outside doing whatever he wanted until dinner.
• 7:49
  And there was never adult supervision.
• 7:51
  I mean,
• 7:51
  even younger than 10,
• 7:52
  he was doing this.
• 7:54
  And he said
• 7:55
  it was
• 7:56
  safe.
• 7:57
  It was a small town.
• 7:58
  Like they knew that whatever I was doing,
• 8:00
  I was going to be fine.
• 8:01
  And,
• 8:01
  and that was it.
• 8:03
  I grew up in Clearwater,
• 8:04
  Florida.
• 8:05
  So,
• 8:06
  little,
• 8:06
  little different vibe.
• 8:08
  I was allowed to roam free
• 8:10
  on my street.
• 8:12
  I was allowed to tell my mom that I
• 8:14
  was going to ride bikes further into the neighborhood
• 8:17
  and then come back.
• 8:20
  But I was never just given carte blanche freedom to go do whatever I wanted,
• 8:24
  but I didn't live in a rural small town.
• 8:27
  I didn't live by the beach,
• 8:29
  but Clearwater is,
• 8:30
  you know,
• 8:31
  one of the most highly attractive tourist destinations in the world.
• 8:35
  So,
• 8:36
  I mean,
• 8:36
  Clearwater is not a small town and there's all kinds of people all the time.
• 8:39
  So,
• 8:40
  not the same kind of vibe.
• 8:42
  So I asked my husband.
• 8:43
  I actually read your question to him,
• 8:44
  and I asked my husband,
• 8:46
  and he was like,
• 8:47
  I think the question that they need to ask themselves
• 8:49
  is
• 8:50
  how comfortable do they feel
• 8:53
  allowing their child to go be with friends?
• 8:55
  Are the friends trustworthy?
• 8:57
  Do they come from trustworthy parents and homes?
• 8:59
  Are the kids going to have
• 9:02
  social media?
• 9:02
  On their phones?
• 9:03
  Are they going to have internet on their phones?
• 9:05
  Are they going to be exposing him to something that he shouldn't be exposed to?
• 9:09
  Like,
• 9:09
  he said,
• 9:10
  How comfortable are you
• 9:11
  with the notion of your son being around other kids?
• 9:16
  He said,
• 9:16
  I was always off in the woods by myself.
• 9:18
  So,
• 9:18
  like,
• 9:19
  my parents never had to worry about
• 9:20
  me getting exposed to anything.
• 9:22
  And I said,
• 9:24
  At least if you would have been with other kids,
• 9:25
  you would have been like in a unit.
• 9:27
  That's safer than going out completely by yourself.
• 9:30
  And he was like,
• 9:31
  not today.
• 9:32
  So we kind of have two considerations,
• 9:34
  you know,
• 9:35
  I mean,
• 9:35
  would you feel safe letting your son go fish by himself
• 9:38
  because you know that he's not going to get exposed
• 9:41
  or
• 9:42
  see or hear anything that you wouldn't want him to.
• 9:44
  But then
• 9:45
  he's not staying close with friends and he's literally completely alone.
• 9:50
  What could happen
• 9:51
  to a 10-year-old boy that's fishing by himself
• 9:54
  versus a 10-year-old boy that's fishing in a group of 4 kids.
• 9:57
  OK,
• 9:58
  so one consideration is,
• 10:00
  is the group of friends he wants to hang out with
• 10:03
  boys that you trust
• 10:05
  and that you feel he can be safe with?
• 10:07
  So that was my husband's weighing in.
• 10:09
  So I wanted to throw that in.
• 10:11
  And again,
• 10:12
  this is like a family by family,
• 10:13
  scenario by scenario decision that you're going to make,
• 10:16
  but
• 10:16
  these are food for thought
• 10:17
  things that you can maybe process.
• 10:20
  And
• 10:20
  you know,
• 10:21
  10,
• 10:21
  I think is old enough to have some independence and freedom.
• 10:26
  But it also needs to be something that you can
• 10:29
  sleep at night
• 10:31
  while allowing.
• 10:32
  And so it's finding the balance
• 10:34
  and at the end of the day,
• 10:35
  relationship is going to sustain it.
• 10:37
  So even if
• 10:39
  you don't give as much freedom as he wants,
• 10:41
  or even if he's demanding more than you can give,
• 10:43
  or even if you give it and then he chooses to lose it,
• 10:46
  whatever that dynamic looks like,
• 10:48
  if you pour into the relationship,
• 10:50
  relationship is going to carry all of these
• 10:52
  little things that you have to work through.
• 10:55
  So,
• 10:56
  Mariah,
• 10:56
  I hope that's helpful.
• 10:57
  Thanks for sending a follow-up email.
• 10:59
  I was
• 11:00
  happy to tackle that.
• 11:01
  If y'all want to reach out,
• 11:01
  I'd love to hear from you,
• 11:02
  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
• 11:04
  I love y'all.
• 11:05
  Keep loving on your kids.
• 11:06
  We'll talk again soon.
• 11:07
  Bye.
• 11:08
  Thank you for listening to
• 11:09
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 11:13
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 11:17
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.