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Blowups. Overreactions. Now What Do I Do? · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:31
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Hello everybody.
• 0:33
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:36
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And for those of you who love Cortni, today's your lucky day because Cortni is here on the show with me.
• 0:43
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Welcome back, Cortni.
• 0:45
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: How are you?
• 0:46
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I.
• 0:47
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I'm doing awesome.
• 0:48
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: how was your Christmas?
• 0:50
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Christmas was, was really good actually.
• 0:53
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: It was not my, the typical Christmas, we did go home to Montana, but it felt a lot more family oriented, family inclusive, just, it wasn't focused on gifts, it was the experiences and it.
• 1:08
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: That's awesome.
• 1:09
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I love that.
• 1:10
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Not that we're going to talk about this today, but did you ever listen to a Christmas Carol?
• 1:15
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Oh gosh.
• 1:15
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I meant to tell you.
• 1:16
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Don't ask me about a Christmas Carol.
• 1:18
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Oh, well,
• 1:19
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I totally did not listen to it.
• 1:21
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: that's okay.
• 1:22
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: There's always next year.
• 1:23
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Well,
• 1:24
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Okay.
• 1:25
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: everyone listening to this podcast in roughly 11 months, Cortni and I will talk about a Christmas Carol because she will have finally read it.
• 1:34
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I'll work on it maybe this summer.
• 1:36
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: That's the perfect book to read during the summer.
• 1:41
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I'll get it done.
• 1:43
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: All right, so today we are going to talk about repairing relationships with your teen after ugly parenting moments.
• 1:53
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: This might be after a blowup.
• 1:56
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: It might be, you made a mistake as a parent.
• 2:00
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I know back when we were kids, we thought our parents were perfect and they never made mistakes.
• 2:04
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Spoiler alert, parents suck at parenting.
• 2:07
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: We all do.
• 2:08
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: There's no right or wrong way, and sometimes we make mistakes and we're going to talk about how to repair your relationship with your teen, which if you follow me for.
• 2:21
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: A while you've probably heard me talk about your relationship with your teen being separate from your teen's relationship with you, but we'll teach you some awesome tips on how to repair that relationship, whether we're talking about yours with your teen or your teen's relationship with you.
• 2:40
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: But we'll give you some inside tips before we dive into the tips and everything.
• 2:46
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Cortni, I just gotta ask you.
• 2:48
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: She gets nervous every time.
• 2:50
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I'm like, Hey, I gotta,
• 2:51
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I,
• 2:51
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: because I don't prep Cortni at all.
• 2:54
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Like I go to chat GPT before the podcast and I'm like, tell me all the questions that I could ask Cortni to just throw her off.
• 3:02
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And it's like, oh, here you go.
• 3:04
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: It
• 3:04
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: have you ever had an ugly parenting moment?
• 3:08
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I think all the time.
• 3:11
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Yeah,
• 3:11
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Okay, so I'm not the only one.
• 3:14
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: no, no.
• 3:16
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: no.
• 3:17
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: no.
• 3:17
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Probably, yeah, probably not as many as I used to because through our work together over the years, I've just become more aware, but I absolutely still slip end.
• 3:29
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Self reflect.
• 3:36
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Yeah, so I too have had ugly parenting moments, but once upon a time when I was a foster parent, I remember at a training, I can't remember exactly how they said it, and I posted it on Facebook once and it was a thing of beauty and I can't find that anymore, so I'll just butcher it now.
• 3:55
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: But they said something to the effect of.
• 3:58
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Ugly parenting moments when handled proactively, like you apologize and you make things better.
• 4:07
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Those are better and more impactful than if you would've parented perfectly the first time.
• 4:15
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I.
• 4:16
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: So that is a powerful, beautiful thing to understand because I think a lot of times as parents.
• 4:25
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: We feel this pressure to do things perfectly and we'll make a mistake and we'll blow up on our kids.
• 4:33
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And one of my favorite blow ups, I think maybe I've told you about this, did I ever tell you about the mom who threw a shoe at her son?
• 4:40
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I don't think so.
• 4:42
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Oh,
• 4:43
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I.
• 4:43
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: this is one of my favorite stories.
• 4:45
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: you know who you are if you're listening.
• 4:47
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I tell this story with all the love.
• 4:51
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: My heart that is even possible because I love that this happened.
• 4:57
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I love that.
• 4:58
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: This is a powerful example of turning an ugly parenting moment into a beautiful parenting moment, and I just hope if she is listening, please don't be embarrassed.
• 5:08
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: No one knows it's you, but me and you and I respect you even more for having this moment.
• 5:14
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Anyways, so there's this mom, like at this point she's been working with me for like.
• 5:20
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Two or three weeks.
• 5:21
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: her and her teen are still butting heads.
• 5:24
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: They're not really getting along very well.
• 5:27
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And basically it looks like I'm the worst life coach in the history of parenting life coaches and nothing I've taught her even worse.
• 5:35
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And anyways, one day she is.
• 5:40
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I can't even remember what's going on, but they're, she and her son are arguing and she's like, he always leaves his shoes all over the place.
• 5:48
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And so mid argument, she bends down, grabs a shoe.
• 5:54
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Chucks it in her son's direction and drills him square in the face.
• 6:01
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: It's like nose explodes with like blood and she is like, what have I done?
• 6:07
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And she's crying.
• 6:09
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Her son's mad and crying and anyways, she had to come to her son and she's like, I am so sorry.
• 6:20
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: That is not the type of mom that I want to be.
• 6:24
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I can't believe I did that.
• 6:26
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: She's like, number one, I'm not a good shot.
• 6:28
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Like I was not aiming for your face.
• 6:32
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And she said, I, I don't remember all the details, but like the image in my mind was that they were like sitting on the teen's bed and the teen just breaks into tears and he is like, mom, I'm sorry.
• 6:49
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I was yelling, I was doing this.
• 6:50
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And so we got mom and teenage son, big teenage son by the way, like big athletic dude.
• 6:56
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I wouldn't wanna mess with him.
• 6:58
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: They're both in tears.
• 7:00
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And what on the surface was an incredible ugly parenting moment.
• 7:05
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: That became this beautiful moment this mom and son shared, and I remember her coming back to me and being like, you know that thing where you talk about ugly parenting moments and how that can actually be good?
• 7:18
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: She was like, me and my son had that, and she told me the story about throwing a shoe at her sun.
• 7:26
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I was probably not very sensitive and just thought it was hilarious.
• 7:31
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: But the beauty is like after that, everything changed between the mom and the son.
• 7:37
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Everything that she had been working with me on all of a sudden clicked.
• 7:42
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And because she was willing to make reparations after a big blowup and what most people would call an ugly parenting moment, she had a better outcome and a deeper connection with her child.
• 8:00
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Yeah, my sister and I were just talking before we started and one of the big things we were talking about was accountability.
• 8:06
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: because we both have teenagers actually I think she has too now.
• 8:10
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: just being accountable when we make mistakes, it's huge.
• 8:13
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: It's a good lesson for our kids to see.
• 8:15
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: It relatable, personable, because we were talking about some people in our lives how they're like, no, I'm the parent.
• 8:23
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: And the right people admit that they were wrong, even if they're the parent.
• 8:29
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: And doing yourself a, by showing your child that you're human and make mistakes and you know, not developing that connection.
• 8:40
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Yeah, and I would highlight something I feel like you're talking about like.
• 8:46
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Modeling the behavior that needs to take place after something like that.
• 8:51
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And most parents, they won't model what it looks like to apologize, to course correct to make a change.
• 9:01
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Yes.
• 9:01
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: one of my favorite things to say.
• 9:04
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: If you have one teenager, you already know this, but if you have two, your second teenager just reconfirmed everything and you know it even deeper.
• 9:13
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: So your sister probably knows this at like the core of her being.
• 9:17
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Your teens are not listening to you, they just aren't.
• 9:21
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: They might pretend like they're listening to you, but they're not.
• 9:24
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: They're, you remember Charlie Brown when they would listen to the adults?
• 9:30
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: So your teens aren't listening to you, but thankfully they are watching you.
• 9:37
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And if you can model like, Hey, this is what it looks like to have an ugly moment with someone.
• 9:44
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: This is what it looks like to repair that.
• 9:48
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And there's no right or wrong way, like.
• 9:50
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Cortni could have ugly parenting moments and she could repair that with her teen by like, Hey, let's go to the movies.
• 9:58
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Let's do this.
• 9:59
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I might have an ugly parenting moment and I might repair it with my teen by making fun of'em.
• 10:04
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And no, probably, I don't know, I mock my teen.
• 10:07
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Sometimes they love it, but like just interacting with him.
• 10:11
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Or I might be like, Hey, you know how you hate unloading and loading the dishwasher?
• 10:16
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I'll do that for you today.
• 10:18
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And like, it doesn't matter how you do it, don't avoid these ugly parenting moments.
• 10:24
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: 'cause you think, oh my goodness, they're irreparable.
• 10:27
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: That means unrepairable Cortni.
• 10:30
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: She gets her jacket on me so I have to get mine sometimes too.
• 10:34
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Anyways, don't avoid them'cause you think it's gonna ruin everything.
• 10:37
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Allow them to come because sometimes they're gonna happen but.
• 10:42
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Approach it with like hope and faith that you can turn that around and make it something more powerful than if it never would've happened.
• 10:51
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Yeah, and don't approach it like with an ex an expected outcome.
• 10:57
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Like don't have an expectation of how you want your teen to respond to your apology or your, your taking accountability.
• 11:01
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Right.
• 11:03
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Because I can see how I might be a little upset if my teen didn't respond the way I would've hoped, but at the end of the day, I have to feel good about myself knowing that I showed up as the parent that I wanted to be, regardless of how he received my apology or not.
• 11:17
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: He could not accept it, but I was true to me and who I wanted to be.
• 11:22
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Yeah, I could see you throwing a shoe, one of your son's basketball shoes, drilling him straight in the face and being like, no, you're supposed to sit on the bed and cry with me now
• 11:33
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: He's, his reflexes are too fast.
• 11:34
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: He would've, he would've caught that shoe with one hand.
• 11:37
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: mid air and fired it right back.
• 11:38
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Oh, for sure.
• 11:40
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: he would've, mean, he whacked his brother with a piece of cheese the other day, like just, I mean, I don't know who throws cheese at each other, but you could hear the slap.
• 11:48
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Like he just has a arm that I'm like, Ugh, your poor siblings.
• 11:53
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Hey.
• 11:53
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: It, it makes'em stronger.
• 11:55
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: So, yeah.
• 11:58
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Have you ever heard of the cheese touch?
• 12:01
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Stronger bones.
• 12:04
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: let, oh, I was gonna say something is gonna be, I.
• 12:07
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Parts insightful and funny and I lost it.
• 12:11
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Let's talk about, I have noticed patterns in my personal parenting life where I tend to have more blow ups if one or more of these factors are involved.
• 12:27
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Attachment is huge and, oh, now I remember what I was gonna say, but whatever.
• 12:32
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Cortni hit the nail on the head.
• 12:34
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Like, if you are attached to what you think should happen, you're not gonna be happy with the outcome because it won't always be what you think it should be.
• 12:44
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: If I am attached to what I think should be going on between me and my teen or in my teens life, I'm more likely to have a blowup.
• 12:55
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: So attachment is a key factor to pay attention to.
• 12:59
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Are you hungry?
• 13:00
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Are you tired?
• 13:02
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Are you stressed?
• 13:03
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Cortni?
• 13:03
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: You're laughing, but I'm telling you, I have probably coached thousands of parents, and these are key warning lights that you are closer to a blowup than you realize.
• 13:15
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Just when you're hungry, right?
• 13:18
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: angry.
• 13:18
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I like to call it.
• 13:19
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: yeah.
• 13:21
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: If I'm hungry and I'm angry, watch out.
• 13:25
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Like you best be approaching me with a steak.
• 13:29
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Rare steak.
• 13:32
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Anyways, these are some of the things that you can pay attention to and you can address.
• 13:38
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I can't tell you how many moms I've worked with that they're like, man, I was just so exhausted.
• 13:45
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And then the blow up happens.
• 13:48
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: See these little warning lights.
• 13:49
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: If you are someone, I don't know, maybe I'm the only one who gets hangry.
• 13:54
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And I don't show up as my best self.
• 13:58
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Be aware of that.
• 13:59
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Make sure you know what, before we have this tough parenting conversation.
• 14:05
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I'm gonna eat dinner first.
• 14:06
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: It'll help me show up better.
• 14:08
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Or if you're the type of person that you're like, man, I am exhausted, let me get a good night's rest.
• 14:13
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: We'll probably have a better discussion tomorrow.
• 14:17
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: So before we talk about repairs, I did want to talk about very common warning signs.
• 14:23
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: often, like I've coached lots of parents.
• 14:26
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And one of the things I'll ask when they have a blowup, I'll be like, what else was going on that you were stressed about or worried about?
• 14:35
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And a lot of times these ugly parenting moments that involve a blowup.
• 14:41
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Don't even necessarily involve the teenager.
• 14:43
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: The teen just happens to be pushing all the right buttons so that they take the brunt of your frustration with work or your spouse or your mother-in-law, whatever it is.
• 14:56
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: So these are good things to be aware of.
• 14:58
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Anything you want to add to that?
• 15:01
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: no, I mean, I think that was great.
• 15:02
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I, I catch myself sometimes if I've had rough day at work or whatever, I will tell my kids like, just gimme five minutes.
• 15:10
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Just lemme go lay down and have like five minutes of quiet and then we can talk about, I can help you with whatever it is that you need help with.
• 15:17
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I just need five minutes otherwise I know I likely have a blow up.
• 15:25
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Yeah, and a rough day at work for Cortni is really rough because she is a spy, usually means she was beat up by a bunch of Russians.
• 15:37
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: So Cortni.
• 15:39
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: What would you recommend if someone has just had a blow up?
• 15:43
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I guarantee you there's at least one mom listening to this that is like, this is perfect.
• 15:49
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Last night, I just had a blow up with my teen.
• 15:53
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I threw a shoe, drilled them right in the face.
• 15:54
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: It was amazing.
• 15:55
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Now, what do I do to fix that?
• 15:58
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I would say like self reflect and think about what your responsibility was in it, what you could have done better, what you wish you would've done better, not focus so much on what your teen did, could have done, should have done, that's outside of your control, right?
• 16:13
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: But think about you could have handled it and acknowledge that to your teen or have a conversation or just handle it better.
• 16:21
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Next time, depending on what the blowup was, maybe it needs to have a conversation, maybe it doesn't.
• 16:27
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Yeah.
• 16:27
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: just the behavior needs to change.
• 16:29
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: You know, I feel like there's enough apologies that it doesn't matter if you say you're sorry, it's, you just need to show up.
• 16:36
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: instead of continuing to apologize.
• 16:39
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Yeah, yeah.
• 16:40
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I love that.
• 16:41
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I would say.
• 16:43
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Apologies are important, but there's an important component to apologies, which is actually changing the behavior.
• 16:51
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: So yeah, sometimes you don't need to say, Hey, I'm sorry.
• 16:57
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: You just need to change the behavior.
• 16:59
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Like, you'll know you're there if you're like, man, I feel like I'm apologizing about this every single week.
• 17:06
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: skip the apology part and just show up differently.
• 17:10
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And that will be a powerful catalyst for change in your life.
• 17:16
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: One of the things I would recommend after a blowup, if you feel that the apology, like the verbal communication is necessary, like Cortni started going down this path, but she talked about like focusing on what you can control.
• 17:32
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Too many times we make an apology like, Hey Cortni, I'm really sorry I threw a shoe at you and drilled you straight in the face,
• 17:41
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: But,
• 17:41
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: but you, yeah, but you kind of deserved it.
• 17:45
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Or you were being a butthole like that.
• 17:50
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Nullifies your apology.
• 17:51
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: mm-hmm.
• 17:52
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And if I could reiterate where Cortni, the direction she was heading, and then take it a little bit further.
• 17:58
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Really focus on, Hey, I.
• 18:01
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I'm really sorry that I did this.
• 18:04
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Bring that focus back to you and say something like that is not who I want to be and what you're doing.
• 18:10
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: You're taking this responsibility that Cortni was talking about and you are modeling this.
• 18:16
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Like, look, it doesn't matter how you behave as a teenager.
• 18:20
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Teenager, I should still have the power to be the parent that I want to be.
• 18:27
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And I didn't in that moment.
• 18:29
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I'm sorry.
• 18:30
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: one of my conversations with one of my kids, I can't remember if this was before or after, like there's a ugly parenting moment and he's like, dad, I don't feel like you're being very loving or curious right now.
• 18:43
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And I'm like, what?
• 18:45
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: He stole that from my 10 word vision statement.
• 18:48
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: But one of the times that I apologize, I'm like, dude, you know, I'm working on being a, a better dad.
• 18:55
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And I'm not perfect at it yet.
• 18:58
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: So this is where I'm working on and this is where I am in that process.
• 19:04
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And thank you for reminding me and helping me catch myself when I'm sliding.
• 19:10
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And it's very powerful because most parents, I would say after a blowup.
• 19:18
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: They try and blame the kid and they're like, that's where the behavior needs to change.
• 19:23
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And the problem is Cortni is sitting here talking about the T chart of control that's outta your control.
• 19:29
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Bring it back in, bring it to you.
• 19:32
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: another thing that I, I would mention after repairs, not after repairs, after the blowup, our children are used to receiving more negative interactions with humans.
• 19:45
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I mean with adults than positive interactions.
• 19:49
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And when I was a foster parent, they told us like, most kids get four to one four negative interactions with one positive one.
• 20:02
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: They're like foster kids because they're kind of knuckleheads and they make dumb decisions'cause they've had rough life experiences there.
• 20:11
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: You have like 10 to one negative experiences to one positive, and they're like, what needs most kids?
• 20:19
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: If you can flip that and have four to one positive, four positive to one negative, they'll really improve their behavior, the thing that they found with foster kids.
• 20:30
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Because of their rough life experience and their knuckle headedness and the predisposition to receive negative feedback, they need like 17 to one.
• 20:42
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And when we were foster parents, like we would bend over backwards to try and have positive interactions.
• 20:50
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Like I remember one of our foster kids, like he's running late to school.
• 20:55
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Me and my wife are both annoyed and he is sitting there brushing his teeth.
• 21:00
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: My wife is like, I love that you care so much about your dental hygiene.
• 21:06
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Like that's huge responsibility.
• 21:09
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Like we're both annoyed with this kid.
• 21:11
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Like, can't you brush your teeth faster?
• 21:13
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Couldn't you have done it like five minutes ago?
• 21:16
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I know, right?
• 21:17
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I'm like, well, two minutes, let's go quick.
• 21:20
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Just bring toothbrush in the car.
• 21:21
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Just spit out the window.
• 21:23
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: But I remember Deb just praising and being positive and afterwards she's like.
• 21:30
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: If we're gonna hit 17 to one, like we need to find every little thing that we can be positive about, and your teen probably doesn't need 17 to one.
• 21:41
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: But I would say if you can go anywhere from four positives to one negative, to 10 positives to one negative, and if you think about it.
• 21:53
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: You're probably not even close.
• 21:55
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: You're probably more skewed to the negative.
• 21:57
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Most parents are like, why didn't you unload and load the dishwasher?
• 22:01
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Why did you come home too late?
• 22:02
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Why do you only have a B minus instead of a a triple plus?
• 22:06
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And just if we can flip that.
• 22:11
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And when you are trying to repair after a blowup, be very intentional.
• 22:16
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Bring in the positive.
• 22:17
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Bring in the positive, and you're not doing it necessarily to build up your teen.
• 22:22
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: That's a bonus.
• 22:24
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Yes, we want to build up our teen, but you are getting practice being the type of parent that you want to be.
• 22:30
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Yeah, but also create a space to allow your teen to communicate with you how they're feeling.
• 22:37
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: If you don't with it, that's how they're feeling.
• 22:40
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: And just sit with it and hear what they have to say because sometimes there are some humbling moments when our kids talk to us.
• 22:47
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I know it's so easy to just kind of brush it off, but have been stopped in my tracks at some of the things my kids have said sometimes, and I'm like, whoa.
• 22:56
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Alright, well you.
• 22:58
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Like I, I'm glad.
• 23:03
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: It just helps me focus on, on what I might not be doing the greatest or how I could be better.
• 23:10
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: yeah.
• 23:11
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: So create that space for your kids to talk to you about how they're feeling
• 23:14
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Yeah,
• 23:14
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: telling em that they're wrong.
• 23:17
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: and you heard it here first.
• 23:19
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Sometimes your kids are right.
• 23:21
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Sometimes they're, they're my kids after all.
• 23:24
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: What?
• 23:24
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I mean, what do I expect?
• 23:26
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Of course.
• 23:26
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: All right.
• 23:27
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Right.
• 23:27
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Duh.
• 23:29
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I know your sister, just very briefly, if she were a guest on this podcast, what words of wisdom would she give us?
• 23:36
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I just love her.
• 23:37
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Can we just have her on our, the podcast at some point?
• 23:40
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Sure.
• 23:41
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Yeah.
• 23:42
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: You happen.
• 23:42
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: she, she's my little sister, but I want to be like her when I grow up.
• 23:47
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: She is just so wise and her emotional maturity is off the scale.
• 23:54
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Like I love her.
• 23:56
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: but a lot of the things that I've talked about today, she and I just talked about, But she listens to her kids and she gives her kids that space.
• 24:03
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: she's very patient with her kids.
• 24:06
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: no, I admire her.
• 24:07
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I dunno, I think we just need to have her on and sprinkle her wisdom through the podcast.
• 24:13
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: You arrange it and we'll do it.
• 24:15
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Okay.
• 24:15
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: lemme ask you this, if you want to be like her when you grow up and I want to be like you when I grow up, does that mean I wanna be like her when I grow up?
• 24:26
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I, it would be a good goal.
• 24:28
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Yeah.
• 24:29
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And she's probably trying to be like Jesus.
• 24:33
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I dunno.
• 24:34
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: We'll have to ask her.
• 24:35
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: She's, pretty wonderful.
• 24:37
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: my thing is I wanna be like Ted Lasso.
• 24:40
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Have you ever watched Ted Lasso?
• 24:42
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: No, but I've heard about him, doesn't he?
• 24:45
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Just, he lives his life unapologetically.
• 24:46
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Right?
• 24:47
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Is that Ted?
• 24:48
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Yeah.
• 24:49
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And he is just very authentically Ted lasso, and half the things he says, make people cringe.
• 24:57
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: This is why I like him so much.
• 24:59
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Yeah,
• 25:00
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I feel like he is my spirit animal.
• 25:04
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: you're not already Ted Lasso
• 25:06
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Well, some people, they're like, dude, have you ever seen Ted Lasso?
• 25:10
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: You're not like him?
• 25:11
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And I'm like, thank you.
• 25:12
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Like that is the best compliment you could give.
• 25:16
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I know.
• 25:17
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Anyways, let's wrap this up.
• 25:21
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: The thing that I would just remind you, if you are the type of parent who wants to uplevel your game.
• 25:31
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Don't avoid ugly parenting moments like the plague.
• 25:35
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: You're not perfect.
• 25:36
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Your teen's not perfect.
• 25:37
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: You're going to have ugly parenting moments, but see them as an opportunity, not this big obstacle that is going to prevent you from ever having a connection.
• 25:49
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And remember what I said earlier, ugly parenting moments.
• 25:54
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: If you are proactive, if you.
• 25:57
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Do a little bit of work to repair those ugly parenting moments.
• 26:02
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: That ugly parenting moment has a potential to be more impactful and more beneficial than if you would've just parented perfectly in the first place.
• 26:13
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: So don't avoid'em.
• 26:14
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Go ahead.
• 26:15
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Embrace them.
• 26:17
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: They are some of the stepping stones to help you better connect with your teen.
• 26:22
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: And one thing, I like to share this sometimes,'cause I've had multiple parents tell me, man, I feel like I'm at rock bottom.
• 26:30
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I used to build houses.
• 26:32
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Rock, bald, rock bottom is the best place to build your foundation.
• 26:38
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: So don't hate on yourself.
• 26:41
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Just be like, no.
• 26:42
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I'm here, I've arrived.
• 26:44
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: I'm rock bottom.
• 26:46
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Time to start building these foundational parenting pieces.
• 26:50
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: I feel like when you're at rock bottom, you're, you're most like, you're more willing to make the changes, the necessary changes when things are kind of okay.
• 26:59
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: You might not make those changes, until you're at the bottom.
• 27:02
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: So, yeah.
• 27:04
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Yeah.
• 27:06
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: All right guys.
• 27:07
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: As always, we invite you to come back next week.
• 27:11
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: We love having you here and we'll, oh, we actually this time know what we're going to talk about next week, so don't tell anyone.
• 27:21
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Guys, actually do tell'em.
• 27:22
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: If you are someone who feels constantly emotionally drained and exhausted when it comes to parenting your teen, that's what Cortni and I are going to talk about next week.
• 27:34
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: You're gonna listen to it next week, and if you feel that way, I guarantee you, you have friends who feel that way, invite them to come listen to next week's podcast too.
• 27:47
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: All right guys, we're gonna leave you with that.
• 27:49
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: Cortni, thank you for joining me.
• 27:51
  -_1_01-09-2026_112806: Yes, of course.
• 27:53
  ben_4_01-09-2026_102805: All right, we'll see y'all next week.