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#0142_ STORY INSPIRE : A Serene Retreat | A Peaceful Escape From the Chaos · INSPIRE STORY

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. We
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: apologize for not doing an episode last week for Easter.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: And again, I'm not blaming Ben. I don't put it
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: on Ben. But Ben does a thing every year with
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: his family where they do like a recreation of Easter
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: where they recreate the resurrection of Christ. And it was
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Ben's turn this year to kind of go down and
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: be Christ. And his mother said, even though you work
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: for Jews, I want you to come down. She thinks
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: I'm Jewish. The woman thinks I'm Jewish just because I
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: have a mortgage. And she said, you just have to
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: play Jesus this year. And they do a whole thing
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: in the yard. And they speak in tongues. And they
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: don't have the money to really recreate a cave. So
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Ben just emerges from his shed. in the back of
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: the yard and they start chanting. And so we didn't
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: want to ruin that because it's a family ritual. And
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm not close with my family, so I
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: can't really judge other people that are, you know? So
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: when Ben, you know, and I've known of this and
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: he's talked to me about it and he said, I
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: have to go down. It's, it's my chance to be Jesus.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Now last year, His sister was going to be Jesus.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: She fell asleep in the shed because she was drunk.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: And people's faith was literally being tested. They're banging on
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: the shed. Get up, you drunk. Get up, you whore.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: She forgot she was even in an Easter pageant, or
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: whatever you want to call this, so she grabs a
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: gun and runs out of the shed firing wildly. They
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: wanted to avoid that this year by having Ben go back,
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: sleepy little Ben. with his little leather boots he wears now,
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: because he's paid, and they wanted little leather boot Ben
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: to walk out calmly and serenely out of the shed,
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: pretending to be Jesus so they could all chant, and
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: then eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or whatever they eat,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. So that's why we didn't have an episode.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: If you want to know the truth, that's the fact.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: We're here in Austin, Texas, which has had two days
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: of sun in the last 20 days. And we'll have
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: three days of sun in the next 15 days. This
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: is the climate. And everyone here that you talk to,
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: of course, has Stockholm syndrome. And before you even bring
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: it up, they go, yeah, it's never rained this much.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: It's never rained before. And it's just, I've now been
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: here on and off for over a year, and all
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: it does is rain. All it does is rain. And,
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: you know, so we're thinking, I got a house here.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: I don't know what I'm going to do with it.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: And I've been a little depressed because I, you know,
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: we finished it. Me and Ben, like the Property Brothers,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: did a really good job. Ben, don't you think we
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: did a great job?
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: I think we did an amazing job.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: We did an amazing job renovating this home. We did
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: a kitchen, a bathroom, did the living room. We chose
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: all of the finishes. We excelled at home renovations. It
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: was kind of like, now obviously we're not going to
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: flip it because, you know, you've got to wait, right?
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: The market's not great. Rates are going up. And there's
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: nothing for us to do here at the moment. Joe
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: Rogan is opening a comedy club. That'll be fun when
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: that happens, but nothing is happening tomorrow. And I don't
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: know what I'm going to do. I'm not going to
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: live here, really. I mean, I'm on the road a lot.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: But I think, and this is probably the best outcome
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: for this, we are going to open up an Airbnb
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: for pigs. The type of people that visit Austin, Texas,
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: pig women that want to get drunk and get stuffed
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: with pulled pork or a half flaccid cock in the
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: backyard of my fucking house. We are going to get
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: one of those barrel hot tubs, put it in the back.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: We're going to get a few of those live, laugh,
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: love signs. And you know, like, you know, I love
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: eating good or whatever the hell we'll put it on
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: the kitchen. Like, or just a big sign that says eat.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: And these women are going to flock here for their
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: bachelorette parties because it's 20 minutes from the shit wineries
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: of Texas where if you like drinking vinegar and the
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: worst wine ever, you can go to the shit wine
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: tour of the Texas Hill Country and many piglets who
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: are about to get married come and say, let's do
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: one last weekend of freedom. And you know what freedom means?
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: Brisket nachos. That's what freedom means to the ladies. Brisket nachos.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: Doesn't mean freedom to be an entrepreneur. It means freedom
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: to shove your mouth full of queso. and drink and
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: fall down in the yard. And we are going to
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: provide them that opportunity. We are going all in. We
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: might do a thing where, like, you bob for apples
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: in the fall, and they can take their fat, drunk
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: faces and dunk them in the tank. How about a
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: dunk tank where you throw something, and then if you
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: hit the target, they fall into the water? I got
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: a pool. It's perfect. I mean, it's a perfect, because
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: I can't sell, so, and we've improved the property, is
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: there any flaw in my logic here? There is a
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: steady stream of disgusting humanoids that come down here to
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: live out some fantasy, they go into Austin, they blow
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: coke up their nose, they give their valves a real
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: fucking run for the money, they go down there, they
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: fucking listen to some heroin addict scream at the top
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: of his lungs while he clumsily plays a guitar with
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: hands better suited to hitting his wife. Why not provide
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: them a place of peace and tranquility Two acres, three bedrooms,
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: three baths, newly renovated big fridge, guest house, guest house
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: going to be renovated, one bedroom, one bath, 750 square
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: foot guest house, 2,300 square foot main house, two acres
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: of Texas Hill country greenery. Pool! That's right. Get fucked up.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: drink some hard cider, and get in that pool, piglet.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: It's worth the money. That's what we're going to do. Now,
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: I've been kicked off Airbnb, so we're going to have
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: to do it maybe in my fat assistant's name. And
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: she will know what these women want. She will know
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: what these beasts want. What do these beasts want? She'll know.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: She'll get it. She'll immediately be able to. She's a consultant.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: We'll make her a consultant where she can come in
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: and tell me here is what the modern pig wants
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: when she's on her bachelorette party. This is what she needs.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: She needs. I think we got to make it fun
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: for them. There needs to be more activities in the backyard,
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: you know, more like carnival games for them. What about
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: like a big tic-tac-toe? You know, something like that. Because
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: they are beasts, and they are of limited, you know,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: obviously they're completely uncultured, and their mental capacity is, shall
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: we say, diminished. That being said, they would like simple
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: games for them to play, right? Games that fat women
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: could excel at. Like something that fat women really like
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: to do. Now the kitchen is not that big. This
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: is a problem. So we're going to imagine that there's
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: not going to be a ton of cooking done, right?
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: So we got to make sure that like there's ample
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: opportunity for them to store things they will later eat.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: Because they're not going to be, I mean, these are
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: not the types of women that go in and go like,
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: let's cook some salmon, right? They don't do that. These
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: are the types of women, I mean, listen, and I'm
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: not even trying to be disrespectful, is it completely inappropriate
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: to have a trough? To have a trough where these
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: pig women can get on their knees, give them knee pads.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: We don't want them, their knees already work hard. Give
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: them knee pads. They can get on their knees and
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: put their faces in the trough. Because you remember, it's
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: one weekend before they get married and change this behavior completely.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: You see, because after they get married, they're going to,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: you know, they're going to get on the Peloton and
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: start reading books. But just give them one more weekend
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: of fat fucking pleasure. One more weekend. And they all
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: want to meet guys. You know, they want to have
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: a nice story. Maybe not the bride. Let's hope she's
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: classy enough to keep a cock out of her mouth
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: a couple of nights before she gets married, right? But
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: maybe not. But her fat friends are going to want
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: some freshman at UT to fucking pork them or something,
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: which I completely relate to. And they're going to want...
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: But I'm rich and have a little bit of fame,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: so sometimes that comes a bit easier to me. But
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: they're going to do what they're going to do, right?
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: They're going to get drunk, and around 3 a.m., they're
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: going to find some guy at a bar and rape him,
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: because it is socially acceptable, and it's getting back. And
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: he's not going to care. It's going to be fun
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: for him. And it's a story, and so what? And
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: I'm just driving around, and I'm looking at all these deer.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: There's so many fucking deer. And these piglets, they're going
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: to want to get fucked. And my only issue with
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: doing the Airbnb is that the cleaning crew... that I'm
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: going to have to employ is going to be like
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: the same people who cleaned up Gitmo after the torture.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: You know, like after the torture sessions when they came
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: in to like wipe the sweat and blood off the floor,
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I'm going to have to hire the same people to
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: come in here after one of these pinatas was blown
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: up by some old drunk dad who she kidnapped at
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: 3 a.m. in Austin and drove him 25 minutes to
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: my patch of dirt in Hicksville, who cares, Nowhereville. I'm
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: just saying, Ben, am I wrong about any of this,
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: or is this the direction I should head in?
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: The activities, you're on point. They would love a big
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: shuffleboard in the backyard.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: That's right.
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: They have on cruise ships, because you don't move much
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: with that.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: That's right.
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: You have a chocolate fountain that they could fill up with.
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: When they walk in, they see the chocolate fountain, and
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: then the chocolate, they can melt next to it with marshmallows.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: If we get a chocolate fountain for these manatees... I
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: am telling, I'll quit, I will make enough money that
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: I will never have to work again. Now, let me
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: ask you a question. I didn't, where would you buy
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: a chocolate fountain? Oh, you mean like a little one? Yes.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: They sell them?
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: Yes, that you plug in.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: I think we need the types of ones they use
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: at catering halls, like the big ones. No, I think
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: I have to spend 10 grand because we're talking five
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: to six beasts. I'm talking about a Chevy Suburban that's tight.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: A Chevy Suburban that rides like a Prius. Skin to skin.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: Those women are going to get out. They're going to
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: see it. They're going to go, oh, my God, it's beautiful.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: Their voices are deep. It's beautiful, Kara.
• 12:28
  Speaker 4: We're so happy you're getting married. So here's what goes on.
• 12:35
  Speaker 4: Tomorrow we have the wine tour. Tonight we eat. I've
• 12:42
  Speaker 4: yelped four of the best barbecue restaurants in town.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I say each one of us, maybe we should do
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: a scavenger hunt. Should we do a scavenger hunt for them?
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: They like things like that. And we could just leave,
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: you know, like parts of a cow around the yard
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: and they could discover them and then eat them. I
• 13:07
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• 13:10
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• 13:13
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• 14:50
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• 15:01
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• 15:09
  Speaker 1: Tim Dillon. That's athleticgreens.com slash Tim Dillon. I've stayed enough Airbnbs. And,
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: you know, Airbnb is really taking a chunk out of
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: the business of hotels now. Because me and my opener,
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: the funny Sam Talent, who you should follow, we've been
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: staying at a lot of, you know, we've done some
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: nicer hotels on this leg of the trip, you know,
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: because it's over. The tour is ending. And we've stayed
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: at a few Ritz-Carlton's. And Ritz-Carlton has given up completely. Like,
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: when I was growing up, it was the hotel. And
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: now they just want to build like residences where people
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: live and they don't care about the hotels anymore, but
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: they're still banging you out over a thousand bucks a
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: night to stay there. And now the Ritz is owned
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: by Marriott. The St. Regis was also just bought by Marriott.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: So now every fucking high-end hotel chain in America is
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: slowly becoming a Marriott. So why not? People are opting
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: for more privacy. They're going, fuck it. Let's just do
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: an Airbnb. Because nobody's doing anything good at these hotels anymore.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: The room service is shit. I mean, it's sad to
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: watch these hotels. I mean, I liked Marriott's when I
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: was a kid because there was a novelty to leaving
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: your home and staying over somewhere else and getting the
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: room service. But now, you know, these hotels are becoming
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: methadone clinics, you know? You have all these tattooed fat
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: people wandering around, not even classy fat people like myself, like, pink, fat,
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: cherubic people. I'm talking about, like, disgusting, working-class, tattooed prison chefs, really,
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: just wandering around these properties. It's grotesque. But that's why
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: I will be creating a perfect, private, serene oasis for
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: wayward women that are looking to have one last couple
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: of nights of freedom. Now, did your wife have a
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: bachelorette party?
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: She did, yes.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: Where did she go?
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: She did the classic. They did the wine. They go
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: to a winery one night.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: See, your wife is a classy broad. But let's be honest.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: Some of her friends, that's not the case. Now, you
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: don't have to comment. It just is what it is.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: Your wife's a classy broad. But I get it. When
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: you have friends that want a certain thing, you go
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: do that.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: Because they're planning it, right?
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: Of course they're going to plan it. And where do
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: you go? You go to the Texas wineries, right? Because
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: that's what Texas is known for. Wine. Going and drinking wine.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: That's what Texas is known for. Getting a nice fucking Bordeaux.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: So what region is this wine from? Tuscola. This is
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: red from Abilene. Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. But,
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: I mean, anyway. Sam, you can drive us other places.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: All right. Sam is driving us in the car because
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: we can't do it in the house because there's too
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: much chat going. We're nowhere near a studio. We'll be
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: back in the studio when the tour ends in Australia.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: I know I've said for two years the tour is ending.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: I'm like Cher doing the farewell tour. Next week, I'm
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: going to upload on Instagram. I'm going to be like,
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: tickets on sale. Tokyo, Seoul, Kuala Lumpur, Okinawa. No, we're done.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: We're done. There's nothing left to do or say. And
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: we got to do an Airbnb here. I mean, there's nothing.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: And I think, you know, what really attracts these people
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: to a property? They like nature, or they think they do.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: And they like the idea of, like, creating memories and
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: taking photos, right? Isn't this what they want to do?
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: When they go somewhere, they want to do, like, they
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: want Instagrammable moments. Right?
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah, when they walk in, they want to see... a
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: couple of disposable cameras that are included with their Airbnb package, right?
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: Is that true?
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: Oh, yeah. Really? They love stuff like that because that's
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: old school. That's like 90s, 2000s, like, you know, the click, click, click,
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: the wind-up stuff. They love that.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: What if I gave them a can of creamed corn?
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: Because they're disgusting. That's why that's funny. They're literally disgusting.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: They're creamed. I'm telling you right now, they should run
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: the other way from the camera. They should see a
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: camera and look at it like a Jew in the
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: 40s saw a train. These women need to be nowhere
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: near a camera. Okay? So what do they want? They
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: want cameras when they walk in? God forbid they're not recorded.
• 19:55
  Speaker 3: And they probably want a mural that you have set
• 19:58
  Speaker 3: up on the property somewhere because you have so much
• 20:00
  Speaker 3: acreage that they could take photos under. Especially if they're
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: going to do any bachelorette photos types of deals.
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: What if we marketed this to real pigs? Like if
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: we were like, This ain't your mammy's Airbnb. Like, we
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: want you guys to have real fun here. Get dirty.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: Fill a kiddie pool with SpaghettiOs and finger fuck each other.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: You only get married once or four or five times.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: And you know we're going to get second weddings, too. Oh,
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: we're not just going to get the first wedding. We're
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: going to get the girl. She's 34 and she's trying
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: it again. She's trying it again. She's got a high
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: school-aged kid who's been to juvie multiple times. But this
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: time it's going to work because she's married a man
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: 40 years her senior who's 70 years old, but he's spry.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: And he's got a lot of money. And by that,
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: I mean $ 300, 000, including assets. And she just wants a
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: place to smoke weed and get so high she dreams
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: she's dead. Let's have her come to my home. Come
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: to my home! Come to my home and pretend your
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: life isn't real. Come to my home, see friends you
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: haven't seen for a while, and bond the only way
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: you know how, drinking bottles of alcohol and recalling the
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: times you molested each other. Do it at my house.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: Come to my house. It's open. The doors are open
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: for you to come to my home. I want you
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: there in the backyard, barefoot. And we'll get some pregnant brides, too.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: Don't think we're not going to get some preggo brides.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: And don't think if that baby's formed, they're going to
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: knock back a few. I used to do coke with
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: a woman named Michelle And she did coke nine months
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: pregnant She said, don't worry, it's already formed It's true
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: I used to do coke with a pregnant woman When
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: I was 13 years old With my friend Shay She
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: lived in Oceanside, Long Island And she was pregnant And
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: she would do lines of coke Because she said, I'm
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: nine months pregnant The baby is already formed And she
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: might have been right Because I agreed I said, hey, whatever.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: So that's the type of people I want renting my Airbnb.
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: People that are nine months pregnant who will do a
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: line of cocaine because the baby inside of them is
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: already formed. How do we market it to them? The
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: man who gave her the baby was serving a three
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: to five. He got out. He was great. They were fun.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: They were fun people. And we used to sit in
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: their apartment and do cocaine. And it was not a
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: nice apartment. But cocaine can make things livable. And then
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: I would go home in my bed and jerk off
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: and lay there and wish I was dead. Because coming
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: down from coke is horrible. But you just jerk off
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: and stare at the ceiling. How do we market my
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: Airbnb to this caliber of human being? Because you know
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: they're going to masturbate. Let's imagine these women are not
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: going to get ass, probably. Maybe they will. I'm hoping
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: they do. But not everybody's going to score. It's only
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: human nature. So I want these women just, as Jessica
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: Kirsten says, going at themselves, like blasting. She has a
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: great joke. She goes, blasting ACDC and going at themselves
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: with a jackhammer. That's the type of women I want
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: in my Airbnb. This isn't an Airbnb for the hot
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: chick and her friends. This is an Airbnb for a
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: woman who the bride is 200. And she's lost 30
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: just to get married. And her friends are like, you
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: look great, Donna. You look great. And she's like, thank you.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: I've just been working so hard. But this weekend, I'm
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: going to let loose. Because it's a cheat weekend. And dude,
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: we got it all. What do we got in the area?
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: We got Sonic, Taco Bell, McDonald's, Dairy Queen. We got TCBY.
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: We got Schlotzky's.
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: Chicken Eats.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Chicken King, right?
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: Or Chicken Express. People call it Chicken Express.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: Oh, we got Whataburger. Oh, you know they're getting Whataburger. Oh,
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: you know these. They're gonna get so fucked up. And
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: they're just gonna go, let's get a Whataburger. And you know,
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: one of them is gonna be like white-knuckling sobriety, because
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: they'll have a DD. They'll have one woman who got
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: fired from her job as a secretary for stealing. And
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: And she'll be in her third month of sobriety, and
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: they'll be like, are you sure you can handle it, Denise?
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: And she'll be like, absolutely. Anything for you, girls. I'm
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: totally good. I'm totally good. Now, she'll be crushing Adderall
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: in the bathrooms, but who cares? She's going to drive
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: them to Whataburger, and man, they're going to go to town.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: They're going to go to fucking towns. They're going to be,
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: as soon as they get to Whataburger, it's like Ukrainians
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: across the Polish border. It's, you're in the clear. They
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: are going to eat like they've never eaten before. And then, Ben,
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: you brought up a good point. We've got to give
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: them games to play. Tic-tac-toe, shuffleboard, maybe twisters fun. But
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: then they would hurt themselves.
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: Horseshoes. They like horseshoes.
• 25:46
  Speaker 3: Because a lot of those types of women you're talking about,
• 25:49
  Speaker 3: they do the little skirt, the little dress, and then
• 25:51
  Speaker 3: they do cowboy boots.
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: That's the move. And the boots goes up most of
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: the legs.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: A flowery dress and boots and scarred up legs. Guard
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: up legs from just the things that bite you in
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: the night. And, you know, the husband is like just
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: some easy. There's two types of husband for these women, right? Lanky,
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: methed out, smells like gasoline, decent cock, decent cock, a
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: guy who's perpetually in a state of getting it together
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: and or figuring it out. She will repeat those lines
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: ad nauseum to her friends while not making eye contact.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: He is getting it together or he is figuring it out.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: The second type of guy will be me. Fat and gay.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: Very gay. Who loves the feeling of a cock hitting
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: the back of his throat. But feels, for whatever reason, perhaps,
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: you know, he's inheriting a townhouse somewhere worth $ 8, 000. He's
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: going to have to marry this big pork chop because
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: he can think of men while he plunges his penis
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: into the vast chasm that is her vagina. And he
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: will give her a child. And this child will be
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: raised and it will be stuffed like a turkey every day,
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: full of chemicals and GMOs and food. He will be
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: her eating partner. Ooh, mommy's being naughty again. and she
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: will say that the child wants chicken nuggets, but damn well,
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: we know who really wants nuggets, and it's mommy. So
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: he's just giving her a dog on two legs that
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: she can walk and drive to food places. And he will,
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: so there's two types of men that she's marrying. A
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: guy who's gay, or a lanky guy who's probably cheating
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: on her. fucking strippers, smells of gasoline, definitely lost a
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: few months of his life to Q, but can put
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: on a collared shirt and seem like he could potentially
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: work his way up to management at Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Like,
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: he feels like he could one day possess the responsibility
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: to say, it's in spot number eight, Thanks a lot.
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: We'll see you on Thursday before 12 p.m. Now, he's
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: not ready for that yet. In fact, he's months, if
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: not years away from that. But he possesses the ability
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: to perhaps eventually someday work in management, in a managerial
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: position at a car rental place somewhere in a suburb
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: outside of Jacksonville, Florida. So that's one of the guys.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: Put the wipers on here. See, this gets brutal here.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: People just kill each other here. Because they want to die.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: I mean, Ben, that's the only way this is ever
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: going to work.
• 29:03
  Speaker 3: So back to your question about the marketing angle behind it.
• 29:07
  Speaker 3: There's one big thing you're going to have to, I think,
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: buy to really sell this. Because on the Airbnb app,
• 29:12
  Speaker 3: there's going to be that one photo that hooks them in, right?
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: And I think you need to get a windmill that
• 29:17
  Speaker 3: you put in the backyard or the front yard that
• 29:20
  Speaker 3: we have a picture of with the house in the background.
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: They go crazy over windmills for whatever reason.
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: Because they like wind because it cools them down. To
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: be fat in this country is to be in a
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: consistent state of having your sweat frozen in a Chili's
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: by a very powerful air conditioner. To be one of
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: these women is to be consistently getting your sweat frozen
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: on your body while in a very cold theme restaurant
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: while you suck back a margarita. That is the experience
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: of being one of these women. and then you shuffle
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: back to your desk at your job where you do
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: some type of medical billing, data entry, fill in the blank.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: You dream of Pete Davidson or whoever the heartthrob of
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: the moment is or Harry Styles. You dream of one
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: day Harry Styles with his perfectly pink British cock climbing
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: in your window like Peter Pan and fucking your fat
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: corpse senseless. While you enter information and then call up
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: someone who owes money for an angiogram. But it's okay
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: because come the weekend, you're going to go to Tim
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: Dillon's Pig Fest. You're going to get five of your friends.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: And you're going to go to the Texas Hill Country.
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: And you're going to drink wine. And let's just say
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: you won't be counting calories this weekend. I'm going to
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: be naughty this weekend, they'll say. Let's get a few appetizers,
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: they'll say. Let's get a few desserts so we can
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: try everything, they'll say. But you know what they'll mean.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: And as those plates hit the table with that fucking
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: stewed red onion that these people consider culture, when those
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: tacos hit the table and maybe some of them are shrimp, oh,
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: we're being healthy. and then they have a Chipotle or
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: a lime crema, they're gonna go, oh my God, it's
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: so good. Jackie, thank you so much. This is so
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: much fun. We needed this. I needed this. I needed it.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: How about this? I'm not even kidding. Whole fridge full
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: of Choco Tacos. Hey ladies, we have brought the ice
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: cream truck to you. Can't sleep? Don't worry about it.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: Have a caramel apple empanada. Need something to do while
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: you're taking a shit? We got a good humor bar.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: What about an entire fridge stuffed, and I'm not even
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: kidding here, stuffed with your favorite good humor treats from
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: when you first became fat and developed unhealthy eating habits
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: and then never changed them? I just, I'm thinking this
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: is the only way to do it. I can't live here.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: It's a swamp. It's a hell. I can't do it.
• 32:24
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• 32:27
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• 32:30
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• 33:03
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• 33:07
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• 33:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, I've had family members, you've had friends
• 33:10
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• 33:13
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• 33:38
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• 33:41
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• 33:44
  Speaker 1: doom scrolling, sleeping too little, sleeping too much, under eating, overeating.
• 33:48
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• 33:51
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• 33:52
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• 33:56
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• 34:44
  Speaker 3: My only question, Tim, is do you also try to include,
• 34:46
  Speaker 3: do you advertise this to fat men as well, or
• 34:50
  Speaker 3: is it just fat women?
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: Yes, fat men, but here's the thing with fat men, okay?
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: Fat men, a bachelorette party with fat men, what do
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: they do? They go to a strip club, and I've
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: told this story before, but like, We went, my friend
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: Mike Morris, his uncle or something, was getting married, went
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: to some strip club, and there was a really fat
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: guy in the limo. And he's like, when I get
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: in there, I'm going to be full. These girls are
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: going to be all over me. He's a big fat guy.
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: He fell asleep in the limo. We just went to
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: the strip club, and we came out two hours later,
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: he was still sleeping. And then we just dropped him off,
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: and he didn't even know what happened. So, fat men,
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: I just don't think fat men are the market. Like,
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: They're just not the market. They're just not the market.
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: I think you got to go with, because fat men
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: aren't trying to make a thing of it. They're not
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: trying to make a thing of it, right? Bachelor parties,
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: I don't know. Is it an Airbnb thing for men?
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: I'm sure it is, but I don't know what they do, right?
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: I went to one of my comic friends' bachelor parties,
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: you know, the, you know, uh, A friend of mine,
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: we went to this casino in Atlantic City, and this
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: guy was into comic books, and we all just lost
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: some money at gambling and went to the buffet. I mean,
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: it was sad, right? Women really want to make a
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: night of it.
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: Guys do booze cruises and stuff.
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: Your bachelor party, we talked about it on the show,
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: you just got together with some guys that smoke cigars.
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 36:16
  Speaker 3: Some guys are smoking gas station vape pens, and we
• 36:18
  Speaker 3: were just smoking cigarettes.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. Sorry I missed that, but I apologize. I
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: don't know where I was. Probably working to keep the
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: operation running. Anyway, but I think it really should be
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: marketed to women. It should be marketed to women who
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: want to have a fun weekend in the Texas Hill
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: Country because it's affordable and it provides them all of
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: the things that they need, which is donuts. shit wine
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: that tastes like balsamic vinegar, and they can just slug
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: it down and hope to God that their lives are different.
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: Because everybody's looking for, like, the weekend of a lifetime.
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: And we got an urgent care a few blocks away,
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: just in case somebody saws a foot. Because there's going
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: to be injuries. They're going to bleed. You know what
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: I mean? There's going to be injuries. They're going to
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: get a little too excited on the pool deck. Mm-hmm.
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: Somebody's going to fall and injure themselves. Now, thankfully, they're padded.
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: Most of these women are insulated. That being said, I mean,
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: I think, Ben, that's the only thing they do. Now, who? Now,
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: I can't. Now, here's a dumb question. I can't go
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: on Airbnb as a host, right?
• 37:36
  Speaker 3: I don't think so. I don't think that's how that works.
• 37:40
  Speaker 3: But we can absolutely do it under a company name,
• 37:43
  Speaker 3: I think.
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: No problem. No questions asked. Really easy.
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: I mean, why don't we just literally call it like
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: Fat Bitch Weekend and like Blast Lizzo. I mean, let's
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: market it to the fat bitches.
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: That should be the headline.
• 37:57
  Speaker 3: And they slide through photos of like candy in jars,
• 38:00
  Speaker 3: the fridge full of treats, pictures of deer, a windmill,
• 38:04
  Speaker 3: a cold pool, maybe an umbrella, tiki.
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: Bar. There's something about this that excites me because I
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: think I can really market to these people. And I've
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: seen them. I've seen them arrive here. I've seen them
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: walk down the street in downtown Austin. In Nashville, at least,
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: they have that bicycle thing that they pedal. What is
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: that called?
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: I'm not sure. But they have them in Austin, too,
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: but they're more popular in Nashville.
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: I haven't seen them in Austin because no one can pedal.
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: It's a pedal bar, but no one can really pedal.
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: So I've just seen these people, these slumbering herds of cattle.
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: That's one of our titles of one of our episodes
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: from years ago. But I've seen them, you know, these
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: genetically altered farm animals just ambling down the street from one...
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: And you know that you can always tell a really
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: fat one's like, what about this bar? And she doesn't
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: even want to go there. It's just the closest one. Yeah.
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: They're like, the one we want to go to is
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: down there. She goes, but this one looks fine. And
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: it's like, Katie, you're just 150 pounds overweight and you
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: have a rash and you can't move. We don't want
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: to go into this one because it has a fish tank.
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: But this is why Austin is such a uniquely hardworking place.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: It's like Disney World. There's no worse place than a
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: place that's dedicated solely to making these memories and except
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: the place is never worth it. Like the place is never,
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: like people go to New York to do that or
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: Paris or London, but those places can actually provide some
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: of the materials that you would need to make a memory.
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: Because none of those cities are distinctly set up for
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: you to make a memory. They just exist in a
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: memorable fashion. But places like Nashville and Austin are marketed
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: and catered to bachelorette parties, people that are just trying,
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: and it's such a basic bitch mentality to go to
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: the place that everybody else is going.
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: To do the thing that everybody else does. There's nothing
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: unique or exciting about following in the footsteps of every
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: other friend you have who you've seen them on Instagram
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: with a fucking photo of themselves at a winery or
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: a photo of themselves... fucking country line dancing or riding
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: a mechanical bull or, you know, oh my God, Susan
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: was fucking wild this week. There's nothing unique. Or I
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: would be impressed if these women went to Auschwitz or
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: had a moment, like have a moment and understand that
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: life's just not about wedging your ribeye-sized steak foot into
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: a flip-flop and going down the fucking... to the fucking, uh,
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: Honky Tonks in Nashville. Why don't you go see some ruins,
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: go to the scene of a war, a genocide, a crime,
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: understand that life is serious and that it will eventually end.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: Stop with this immortality fantasy that these friends aren't even
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: your friends. These people that you're at this thing with,
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: they barely like you. You just grew up together. You're
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: clinging to each other because there's nothing else to cling to.
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: so you're just clinging to each other and there's a
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: lot to cling to but that's all you're doing you
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: people aren't bonding over anything but I mean again I'm
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: not going to write this all in the Airbnb thing
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: I'm going to leave a lot of it out I'm
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: going to focus primarily on the fact that there's a
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: pool you know I mean but that's how I think
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: we get out that's how I damn Austin by giving
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: it one more piece of hell That's how I get
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: back at this city. I give it back what it's
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: given me. I give it a spot for fat women
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: to come and pump up their economy and make the
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: city a little more disgusting. I think that's the best
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: way to do it. I'll feel good about that. I'll
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: sleep tight. When I was a tour guide in New York,
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: I ruined the holidays of so many people that just
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: had enough money to go to New York one time.
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: And they hated me because instead of fucking talking about
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: the Empire State Building or whatever horse shit they wanted
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: to talk about, I talked about, you know, I don't know,
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: human trafficking and penthouse apartments, you know, fun shit. And
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: they didn't like that, but it made me feel good
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: because I was being true to myself. And if I,
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: as my last thing before I leave Austin, turn my
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: house into an Airbnb for fat, disgusting women to terrorize
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: this city just a little more, I think me and you, Ben,
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: we've done the right thing. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, we've made
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: it almost too nice.
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's too nice now. We've got to take some
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: stuff out almost, I think.
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: It's so nice. Let me ask you a question. Mm-hmm.
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: I could... It's going to cost a lot of money.
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: To ship furniture, right? Where are you shipping it?
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: To the house I just bought on Long Island.
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: Oh, okay.
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: All of this works in Long Island, dude. Yeah. All
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: of it works in Long Island.
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you could actually ship it.
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: Let me tell you right now. All of it works
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: in Long Island. This is an amazing idea. Oh, my God. Oh,
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: my God. I understand now. All of it works in
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: Long Island. We fill this house with beanbag chairs. Inflatable furniture. Yeah.
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: We put outdoor paint on the wall so they can
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: vomit on it. You know what I mean? We ship
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: all of this furniture to the house I own on
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: the East Coast of the United States, and then we
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: just make this an adult Chuck E. Cheese, a Dave
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: & Buster's for fat women. We fill the house with
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: vibrators and Cadbury cream eggs and watch these pieces of
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: goo go nuts. I'm telling you. Yeah. Why not?
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: Cotton candy machines, the whole thing.
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. Popcorn. Movie night. How about this? They all
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: sit in the backyard while they're eating popcorn and they're
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: just blasting themselves with dildos in the backyard. Blasting themselves
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: with dildos. Queefing. Letting out a little shit. Just blasting themselves.
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: Watching porn. Watching fucking... interracial stepdad porn. And you know,
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: that's because by the way, Ben, everything we bought works
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: even better in the Hamptons. Yeah. Because which is, I
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: don't live there, but I live somewhere else.
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: Cause it's a little oceanic. The vibe we got going.
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: It's a little nautical.
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Whatever Ben. But the point is we get out,
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: we gotta get out. We gotta get out of here.
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: We got to get out of this. I keep calling
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: this local realtor and going, I'm listing it. And then
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: the next day I go, I'm going to keep it.
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: And then the next day I go, I'm listing it.
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: And then the next day I go, I'm going to
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: keep it. This poor guy. So I just go, I'm
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: going to keep it again. But give me tickets to
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: your show. I said, here's some free tickets to my show.
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: I'm going to keep it. But Ben, I'm thinking we
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: ship all this furniture. Can we do it?
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, why just?
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: We can do it.
• 45:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah. We can do it, man.
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: We can do it. We can bring these pigs home.
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: Come home. You're home in the pig hut for you.
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: We've made a pig hut for you. Is your friend
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: getting married? Is your life a bit harried? I know
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: life is scary. Eat. Just eat, you pig. Have a
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: little bit of wine. Put on that dress, you swine.
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: Just eat, you pig. It's time for chocolates from Belgium
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: that I bought at CVS. You won't know the difference. Hug.
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I think that's the move. I really
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: think that's the move. Sam, do you disagree?
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: Great idea.
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: Thank you, Sam. These fucking billionaires, they've got a line
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: on everything. Even inflation can't touch them. But I'm about
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: to walk into their Eyes Wide Shut party and start
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: pulling off masks because now I know their secret. Picasso, Basquiat, Banksy.
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: A lot of these mofos are investing in mad amounts
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: of contemporary art. Why? How about 36% average historical price
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: appreciation when inflation is at 3%? Or outpacing the average
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: total return on the fucking S & P 500? for
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: the last 25 years. Now, there's someone who could beat
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: them at their own game, who's making this art available
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: to people like us. I'm talking about Masterworks. I've mentioned
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: before how I think this idea is genius, and a
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: lot of you seem to agree, so I use my
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: massive swinging influence to get all of my listeners' priority
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: access to skip their wait list. Just go to masterworks.art.com.
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: That's masterworks.art.com. What's great about this, Ben, is you can
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: invest in one of these priceless pieces of art, except,
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: of course, everything has a price, and they all go
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: up in value. So your returns not only outpace the
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: S & P 500, but they protect you from inflation
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: by putting your money to a place where it can
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: really work for you. As we've seen, important regulation, a
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: disclosures at masterworks.io.com. But in order to check this out,
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: go to masterworks.art slash Tim. That's masterworks.art slash Tim. I
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: love bird dogs. They are pants where you don't have
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: to wear underwear. And if men need one thing right now,
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: it's less of a barrier between themselves and a story
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: in the LA Times. So you have these bird dogs underwear.
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: They are so comfortable. They're shorts, they're underwear, they're everything.
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: They're the one thing you have to remember when you
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: leave the house. You don't have to put on layers
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: and all that stuff. So you just go to birddogs.com,
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: enter promo code Tim Dillon, and they'll throw in a
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: free Bird Dogs whistle football. Bird Dogs are amazing. Everyone
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: I know that wears Bird Dogs has a good life.
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: There's not one person I know that wears Bird Dogs
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: that has any type of problems. not in their relationships,
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: personal life, health, finances, every single, and I'm not saying
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: they guarantee this, and I wouldn't lie to you. Every
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: person I know, just to give you an example, my
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: friend's father doesn't wear bird dogs, and he was just
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: taken out of his house. The FBI showed up, and
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: they took his laptop because it was loaded with CP.
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: That means child porn. He was a dark web pedophile,
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: and my friend's didn't even know and you know why
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: it's because he scoffed at the idea of wearing bird
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: dogs now my friend his son thank God didn't inherit
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: a predilection for dark web child porn He wears bird dogs.
• 49:36
  Speaker 1: He's got a lovely wife. They're getting married and they're
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: going to have beautiful babies and they're all going to
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: frolic around the land. But his father, who doesn't wear
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: bird dogs, is a dark web pedo who was taken
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: out of his house. This is true. Go to birddogs.com,
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: enter promo code Tim Dillon, and they'll throw in a
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: free bird dogs whistle football. It's nice. That's birddogs.com, promo
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: code Tim Dillon. And boom, a free bird dogs football.
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: With your pair of bird dogs. You will not take
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: these things off. I promise you. And that's really the
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: test of something. If you don't take it off, it's good.
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: I wear bird dogs. Ben wears bird dogs. Everybody wears them.
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: Everybody wears them. You know? And I mean, listen. When
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: Joe Rogan opens his comedy club, I'll just set up
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: a tent. And I'll live in that. How about that?
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: And Joe will be like, tent mom. He lives in
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: a tent, mom. He's smart. He's smart, mom. Because... Well,
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: here's the thing, Mom. Here's the thing, Mom. It's like,
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: you realize, Mom, that life is really about, like, time.
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: It's about time, Mom. And a lot of people, Mom, they're, like,
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: afraid to put in the work to be who they
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: can be. But that's why Tim lives in a tent, Mom.
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: Because he's freeing himself up from all of those worries.
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: And he's just becoming what he can be, which is
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: a disgusting pig. who lives in a tent outside of
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: my comedy club. And when I knock on the tent
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: and I go, do you want to perform? And then
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: he goes on stage, man, and it's Killer Man. I
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: think we've kind of, I think we're right here. I mean, Sam,
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: don't you think this stuff works almost better on the
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: East Coast? Give him the mic, Ben. You've added nothing.
• 51:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, having helped you pick some stuff out.
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: You have. You have a great eye.
• 51:31
  Speaker 2: Thank you. Yeah, that painting was a big win. Yeah,
• 51:34
  Speaker 2: I think it's going to look great on the East Coast.
• 51:36
  Speaker 2: As Ben did say, it is nautical.
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: It is. I mean, it is. No, it is, but
• 51:44
  Speaker 1: Ben doesn't understand. When he says nautical, people think it means, like,
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: lamps with, like, fishing rope around it. Ben doesn't understand.
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: It's not a tiki bar.
• 51:55
  Speaker 2: I mean, you just have a blue theme.
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: This is a guy who pretended to be Jesus at
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: his family's fucking... fucking shed resurrection that they do every
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: year no i'm joking of course that that was not
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: true that's i have to say that you know i
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: don't want people to be angry that's that is untrue
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: they do not do that that's true right ben you
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: don't do that What did you do for Easter? What
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: was your Easter treat? I liked Easter as a holiday
• 52:25
  Speaker 1: because my aunt, who was on pills, would get very
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: particular about the baskets and where they were being hidden.
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: And it was like her insanity was really on full
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: display on Easter because everyone was like, hey, let's not
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: take it too seriously. The kids are young. You're hiding eggs.
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: And she'd just lose her mind. She'd be like, don't look!
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: Because she was a drug addict. What did you do
• 52:51
  Speaker 1: for Easter?
• 52:51
  Speaker 3: So you wake up, you go to church, of course,
• 52:53
  Speaker 3: as a good Christian family, and usually wear like a tie.
• 52:57
  Speaker 3: So you dress up nice, so you have like a
• 52:58
  Speaker 3: pink tie, like a pink Easter tie.
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 53:00
  Speaker 3: And then after church, everybody goes out on a field
• 53:03
  Speaker 3: next to the church.
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: Here's where, by the way, folks, I just want you
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: to listen. I just want you to listen very quickly
• 53:11
  Speaker 1: because in your mind, I want you to go, how
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: far away is this from Tim's joke?
• 53:16
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: From an hour ago because it's not going to be
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: that far away. So now keep going, Ben. You left
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: off in the field.
• 53:23
  Speaker 3: Okay, so there's usually a field next to a church
• 53:26
  Speaker 3: in West Texas, right? So in the field is already
• 53:29
  Speaker 3: placed a bunch of plastic eggs in like mesquite trees
• 53:33
  Speaker 3: and in bushes and in grass and in holes. And
• 53:36
  Speaker 3: then everybody like at once sort of runs and just
• 53:38
  Speaker 3: goes like crazy looking for eggs. And if you're like
• 53:40
  Speaker 3: a younger kid, usually a parent is with you. And
• 53:43
  Speaker 3: you're putting eggs in a little basket. And they're usually
• 53:45
  Speaker 3: filled with candies, little chocolate coins, things like this.
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: And what happens if you get the most eggs? You
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: get to go see the pastor in the back room.
• 53:54
  Speaker 1: And you trade the eggs in for a little salvation.
• 53:56
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah. But I think that's what we're going to do.
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: We're going to ship all of this. I mean, sometimes
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: I don't even realize my plan until it's underway.
• 54:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 54:07
  Speaker 1: And that's kind of the brilliance of it. That's the
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: brilliance of it. This is going everywhere. Out east.
• 54:15
  Speaker 2: Those chairs you have coming tomorrow, too? Those go, too?
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: Everything.
• 54:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: Everything.
• 54:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: It all goes. It's over here. The game is over.
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: As George Carlin would say, the die has been cast. Oh, yeah, no.
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: If we have to furnish it, we're going inflatable pool furniture.
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: Outdoor furniture, Scotchgard, everything. Because, oh, yeah, dude, it's going
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: to smell like it curves. You know, the gym for
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: fat women. Just big, fat vulvas. But that's all I
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: can do. That's all I can really do. This is
• 54:59
  Speaker 1: the way to kind of get out of here. And
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: then my next move will be Florida. Have you heard
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: of Florida? And then I'll hate Florida. Four months, five
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: months into Florida, I'll hate Florida. And then I'll turn
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: my house into a sober house and move in a
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: bunch of guys that I suck off so that I'll
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: let them outside to meet up with their friends to
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: do the steps. But we know they're just blasting lines.
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: But that's OK, because they'll put their big cocks in
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: my mouth every night, and I will run a sober
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: house in Florida. This is what I should do. I
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: should move around the country and find that I'm miserable
• 55:45
  Speaker 1: literally everywhere. And then after that, decide what kind of
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: haunted house to turn my home into. What kind of horror?
• 55:56
  Speaker 1: Should it be a halfway house? For like wayward men,
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: white knuckling sobriety, questioning their sexuality in need of a
• 56:05
  Speaker 1: few bucks? Or should it be an Airbnb for fat
• 56:10
  Speaker 1: bachelorettes who just want to eat edible cookie dough and
• 56:13
  Speaker 1: get bombed on shit wine in Texas? Who knows? I
• 56:18
  Speaker 1: could just move from place to place, ruining the country
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: a little bit more, making it a little grosser, a
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: little more grotesque. destroying the landscape of this already destroyed
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: country a little bit at a time. One city by
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: one city. Put an Airbnb for fat women in Texas.
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: Put a fucking methadone clinic in Tampa. Just look at
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: the top ten markets. Go into Nashville. Rent it to
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: a bunch of fucking, you know, who knows, capital rioters. Hey, boys,
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: we got a lot of space. You do what you
• 56:54
  Speaker 1: think is necessary. just find the top 10 real estate
• 56:59
  Speaker 1: markets in America and then go into each one of
• 57:02
  Speaker 1: them and decide what exactly they need. Like the up
• 57:06
  Speaker 1: and coming markets, you know, not LA or New York
• 57:08
  Speaker 1: or these things I can't really afford, but go to
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: a Nashville, go to places like this, buy something, hate
• 57:14
  Speaker 1: it almost immediately and then decide what to turn it into.
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: A religious fundamentalist cult, an Airbnb for chubby chubs or
• 57:23
  Speaker 1: a methadone clinic. where I suck off the guys so
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: that they can get privileges to go out and use drugs.
• 57:33
  Speaker 1: I don't know. But I do know that that furniture
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: is getting on a truck and going east. How far
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: is it from Austin to New York? Not that far.
• 57:40
  Speaker 2: About 18 hours, I think. Let me see. Let me
• 57:43
  Speaker 2: Google map it real quick.
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: Here's the deal, man. We actually, I mean, it's going
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: to cost money. But here's the deal. That furniture is
• 57:51
  Speaker 1: a lot more expensive in New York if I were
• 57:53
  Speaker 1: to get it, you know?
• 57:55
  Speaker 2: Probably, yeah, probably. There's probably bigger shortages up there. Probably.
• 58:00
  Speaker 1: This is a good idea, Ben. Am I wrong?
• 58:02
  Speaker 2: Let me see how far it is to there from here.
• 58:07
  Speaker 2: So to New York City from right here.
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: And add two hours.
• 58:11
  Speaker 2: And why add two hours?
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: It's out east. Oh, right.
• 58:15
  Speaker 2: It's loading. It says 27 hours. That's a drive. So
• 58:21
  Speaker 2: it's farther than L.A. Because I've done LA here like
• 58:24
  Speaker 2: seven or eight times.
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: What do you think we're talking? Five grand?
• 58:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, probably. We're going to have to get one of
• 58:31
  Speaker 2: those pods again. The pod storage things. Yeah.
• 58:34
  Speaker 1: It's got to be done well. It's great. You know what?
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: Here's what we're going to do. Give me the phone.
• 58:40
  Speaker 1: We're going to call a retarded business manager. OK. Because
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: what's great about him, and this is what I really
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: like about him, is that he has been able to
• 58:49
  Speaker 1: hold down a job being mentally retarded. Hey, Tim. Hey, listen.
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: Can you price me out what it would cost to
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: ship furniture from Austin to Long Island? Okay. Yeah. Because
• 59:07
  Speaker 1: we got a lot of... What? stuff?
• 59:10
  Speaker 2: Ten pieces.
• 59:12
  Speaker 1: Ten pieces? Like a bedroom worth? Two bedrooms worth? Like
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: a home.
• 59:18
  Speaker 2: A home?
• 59:20
  Speaker 4: Oh, okay.
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: Like a couch, two chairs, coffee table, two lamps, two
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: other chairs. We got it all. And we're putting it on...
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: The Austin house is disgusting, but here's the deal. We
• 59:36
  Speaker 1: got a lot of great furniture, but here's the deal.
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: I'm not, we gotta get it out of this Austin house.
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: The Austin house is gonna be turned into an Airbnb
• 59:44
  Speaker 1: for fat women. Okay. We're turning it, eventually, we're turning
• 59:50
  Speaker 1: it into an Airbnb for very fat bachelorettes. We're catering
• 59:53
  Speaker 1: to the large woman who's unafraid to be herself. All right,
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: so just price some of that out for me tomorrow.
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 1: Thank you, sir. For sure. Thank you. Imagine getting the
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: joy to represent me. I have such a great business mind.
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 1: I have such a great business mind. That's why he's
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 1: so happy to take my calls. I kid when I
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: say he's mentally retarded.
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 2: He's great.
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 1: I don't think he's mentally retarded. I think he lands
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 1: somewhere on the spectrum, but not full, you know. You know,
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 1: he's not like wandering around with a piece of felt.
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't, by the way, I wouldn't, let's just say
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't give him a piece of felt and chance it.
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean? And if he had a
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: piece of felt, it would be an NFT. He's cooked
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 1: in that, you know? TimDeLaComedy.com. There are no more tickets
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 1: to get, so fuck off. Who cares? If you didn't come,
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: I don't care. I don't want to do stand-up anymore.
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 2: I hate it.
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 1: I hate everyone. I'm kidding. Life is a journey and
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 1: a joy. I enjoyed all the shows. Every show was great.
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 1: But the planes, trains, and automobiles, these hotels that Marriott
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 1: is ruining, fuck you, Marriott. It's been tough. It's been tough.
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: The travel wears on you. That's why the podcast, having
• 1:01:06
  Speaker 1: been in the studio in LA, we've been traveling. It's
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 1: been hard. And I know you people don't understand. You go, no,
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 1: it's not hard. We're not going to do these things
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 1: in a hotel room or anything. Just get over it.
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: Get over it. Enough. But we will be back in
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 1: the studio soon. And the tour is over, really. So
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 1: unless you live in Australia... It's over. If you live
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 1: in Australia, it's great. Oh, we have Vegas and Reno
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 1: coming up. Who cares? We'll probably put the special out
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 1: before then and I'll bomb. Whatever. Half of you will
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: hate the special, probably. That's fine, too. I don't care.
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 1: The first show in Denver was ruined by a bunch
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 1: of drunks. So the second show was good. It's very,
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 1: very solid. But you should have seen it live. The
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 1: point of comedy is to see it live. No special
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 1: ever truly captures how funny things are live. Comedy is
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 1: meant to be seen live or in my Airbnb because
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 1: we're gonna have a projector that you can watch while
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 1: you're in the pool. We allow eating in the pool.
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 1: We encourage eating in the pool. And we're gonna have
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 1: a projector. And you know what we're gonna put on?
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 1: The Food Network! So you can watch people make food
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 1: as you eat it while you float in the pool.
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 1: And you know why fat people love a pool? Because
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 1: it feels, they feel weightless. They can't feel their decisions.
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 1: That's why they love it. That's why a fatty loves
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 1: a pool. And we have a pool, and we've got
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 1: a lot of acreage, and you can graze just like
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 1: the cattle you are. Come to my Airbnb. Come to
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 1: my home. Open the door. It's your own Willy Wonka
• 1:02:44
  Speaker 1: chocolate factory. And the golden ticket's all yours. Just press
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 1: book on Airbnb and there'll be jars of peanut butter
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 1: and ashtrays. Everything you heifers want. Come to my home.
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 1: Come to my home. Just don't die there.