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Single & Set Apart: When God Restores What Was Broken · For Such a Time as This

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to another episode of Conceptor Times This, a podcast about calling, timing, and trusting God in the season that you're actually in, not just the one you hope to be in.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: My name's Bethany and I'm your host.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: This season is our second season.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's called Single and Set Apart.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm talking to um Christian singles or people that were single kind of later in life but aren't single anymore.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I'm super excited for what you guys might learn in this season.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um so let's just sit back, relax, and see what God might have for you in this episode.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Hi guys, this is my friend Dawn, and I'm super excited to have her on today.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for being here.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: For having me.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Of course.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: So let's just jump right in.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: So um, can you tell kind of your story of marriage and what that season of life looked like for you?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I married kind of young, I guess by my generation standard.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: I was married at 22.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I was married for about 23 years.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: I like to joke that Proverbs 22, 24 says, don't be friends with an angry man.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I married him.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so it was a lot.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um he had mental health issues.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: He was uh diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality disorder, uh, which got worse the longer we were together.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And uh a lot of people say, well, why did you marry him to begin with?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I think in the church circles that I grew up in, that was kind of what we were raised to do.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't that women couldn't have careers and couldn't have jobs, but that was kind of the ultimate goal was to get married and have kids and raise kids.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that was, you know, what you did.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I was pretty shy when I was younger, which is always a surprise to people that know me now.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a lot different now, probably because a lot of that.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I didn't have a whole lot of boyfriends, and those that I did were abusive in varying ways.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I just didn't have confidence in myself.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I just kind of thought that's the way it was.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if there was a problem, it must be my fault because, you know, yeah, that was the pattern.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: How did it go navigating, raising kids?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Because you had two boys.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Raising kids and being in an abusive relationship.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: How was that?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I played peacekeeper a lot.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I would I tried to, I guess I don't want to say take the brunt of it because it wasn't, it wasn't all bad.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't like 24-7, you know, abusive.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: It was, it was not physical abuse, it was mental abuse and emotional abuse uh to me and to the boys.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um they had a hard time, I guess.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: He he would get set off very easily by silly things or what you know most people would consider silly things.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: So a lot of it was just kind of being the buffer, yeah, for most of the time.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And thankfully, they were until they got older, they didn't realize all that that was going on.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: So that I'm thankful slow.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: But when did you hit the point where you were like, something needs to change?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I can't do this anymore.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: So probably we were married probably a good 15 or so years that it was just back and forth.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And they were varying degrees.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: It got worse as the years went on.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, he had uh diabetes, so he was chronically ill.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: He ended up losing uh his leg and had his leg amputated.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that was, I think, kind of the beginning of the end, just in him dealing with that.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then he lost his mom, who was, I think, the only person that probably kept him somewhat stable.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so then after that, it was just really hard.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And uh the abuse got more towards the boys and was influencing them and their decisions, and finally just decided that you know, we needed to have a talk and maybe it was time to move on.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: So we we really didn't think that we were gonna be able to do that financially, that we would just have to figure out how to be roommates.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so we did try that for a couple months, but it went downhill quickly and became a dangerous situation.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: So we needed to move on.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Was there like a was it just building up over time?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Was there like a specific moment that you guys decided like, okay, we're actually gonna just separate?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think it was more for me.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: It was just his involvement in other things.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: He decided he wanted to join a motorcycle club, um things that were just destructive behavior in general.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then, like I said, we were gonna try to do that, but it did become a dangerous situation that we had to get the police involved, and that was that was the end.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: What kind of emotions did that bring up for you, like choosing to separate, like fear, rejection, grief marriage?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was hard because again, especially growing up in that Christian community, I I spent a lot of years that no one really knew the truth of the matter.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, now I find out after the fact that people are not, you know, people are smarter than we give them credit for.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: So we can try to keep those things secret, but they're they're really not.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: It just people don't know the degree.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: So it it was difficult to have to say, maybe I made a mistake, maybe this wasn't the right choice to begin with.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think that the biggest thing going back is that God redeems our mistakes.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, I I think I know that that was not the best choice for me to to marry him.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: But again, I that's what you did.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: You needed a husband to take care of you and to provide for you.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And there there came a point that I actually went back to school uh to get my degree because I knew that at some point, I think deep down I was gonna have to be able to take care of the boys on my own.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, I thought it would be because of his health and that he would no longer be capable or that he wouldn't be around anymore.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then come to find out it was just that was what happened anyway.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: But again, I I probably would not have said that me marrying him in the first place was God's will, but God redeems the the mistakes that we make.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I have two wonderful boys as a result of that.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you know, so yeah.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, how did your identity shift after that marriage was over?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: It um again, I didn't have a whole lot of confidence when I was younger and when I got married, and was still kind of trying to find my place.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know that I ever really even did that until things started going wrong because I had to start stepping out on my own.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I had to start addressing things on my own.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: And and so I definitely gained that confidence.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I learned to trust God in some ways that I never thought I would have to.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so it made my relationship with him a lot stronger.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think that it gave me a heart for women in general, but especially young women like you, to be more out there to say, you know, be smart the first time.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, don't, you know, your your plan is out there for you.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Wait on God and so I think those are it definitely strengthened my relationship with God.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: It strengthened my relationship with my kids, um, you know, because we kind of fortified together.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, family and and God became essential.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: So you were in your 40s when that happened?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: 46.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: What was it like to transition back to being single when you were 46?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Was it like it felt like freedom or overwhelming?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was a little bit of both.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it was scary because at the time, because of his mental instability, uh, it was again a dangerous situation.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: We had to kind of keep secret where we moved to and didn't let people know a whole lot of things.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so that that was scary from that aspect.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: But then there were these times that just sitting alone in, you know, a house that I rented on my own and was able to do that, that peace that passes all understanding that the Bible talks about.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: There were definitely moments that I could sit there and when you just know that you know that you know where you're supposed to be and that you're in his will, there really is a difference in that and and a peace that comes with that, even with all the craziness.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, I would agree.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Do you um so your story has a little bit of a complexity because he passed away before the divorce was finalized?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: So, how did you process the complexity of that?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: That I honestly have to say, that was when I did feel freedom.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: I I don't even know that freedom is the right word.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think I should say I felt delivered.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of have an interesting story that initially there was a lady that I worked with.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: She was old Southern Baptist, and you know, if she would get going, you knew she was ready to start preaching, and you just had to listen up.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And for some reason, she always called me Moses uh from the day I worked there.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why, I don't know what, you know, but she would always call me Moses.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And she knew that I was a Christian and we would have a lot of conversations.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And one day I just went to her at the beginning of all of this and said, I think, I think it's time to go.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I think, you know, God's telling me that it's time to move on now.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And she said to me, Do you know why you're in the middle of the Red Sea?
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason why God hasn't closed the sea yet is because you and the boys are still in it.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Okay.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't really give much thought to it.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then there were two people that I was very close to.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: One is um a youth pastor, and uh another one is is a reverend.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: She does uh prison ministry and women's ministry and a lot of different things.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I talked to both of them about the situation, completely unattached conversations.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't know that I was talking to the other one.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And when I talked to her, she said to me, What the Lord is telling me right now is that you just need to be still.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be still and see what the Lord will do.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: And when she told me that, I thought, that sounds really familiar.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I went and I looked it up, and it comes from Exodus at the time that the children of Israel had been released from Egypt and they were at the Red Sea and they were grumbling to Moses, saying we should go back and we're all gonna die.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: And Moses said, stand fast and see what the Lord is gonna do.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so, coming from what the lady at work just told me about the Red Sea, yeah, I was like, okay, that's coincidental.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then I talked to the other person, and he said, You've been in Egypt too long.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's time for you to be delivered.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, sometimes, you know, I need a brick to hit me in the head, and he knows that.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I always kind of tell God, write it on the sidewalk, because I am not confident enough to figure it out for myself.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And the Bible talks about double witnesses, so this was a triple witness that nobody knew from the other ones.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I did talk to my oldest son about it, and I had told him the situation.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: And we were we were at our home one night, and we got a phone call from our next door neighbor at our other house, and she said that we needed to get over there, that there was a lot of um medical teams there and an ambulance and police cars, and she thought we needed to come over.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I asked her, I said, Is he gone?
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, I don't know.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: You just need to come over.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: And right after that, I got a call from the police department, from police officers.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, so my son and I went over and we were met by five police officers that walked over to our car and said, I'm sorry to tell you this, but we found him in the house.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and uh we just needed you to come verify.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: And my son looked at me and said, Mom, that uh God closed a seat.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a moment that was sad for, you know, obviously him and the suffering that he went through mentally, because mental health is something that I don't think is addressed enough in the church and Christian community.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's treated as, oh, you just need to have more faith or you need to pray more, or and i in some cases that that may be true, but mental health issues are are real, they're medical, they're diagnosable, they're you can get help.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes God expects us to use doctors on medication too.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Right, yeah.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: So it was, you know, I I hoped that he professed to being a believer.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, again, only God knows his heart, but you know, we we rest in that that hopefully he has peace now from you know this life that he had such a hard time with.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but in that moment, it was also a feeling I didn't think I'd get emotional.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it was also a feeling of being delivered, of being rescued.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so yeah.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: And have you like navigated like the emotional closure and like forgiveness after that?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: I I think if I have to be honest, I'm more indifferent now about the situation.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: I still struggle with forgiveness.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um if I'm gonna be honest about it.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, I think that, you know, I think God gave me a story for a reason.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not gonna pretend to be something that I'm not.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: The forgiveness is is something I'm still working on.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: I am I'm grateful for, you know, the growth that I had during that circumstance.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm grateful for, you know, everything that that God did during that time.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I do still struggle with the forgiveness, I think.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: Which is fair.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: Did what did you discover yourself?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: What did you discover about yourself like after the marriage was over, outside of being married?
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because you were married so young.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: So like in your 40s was your first like time by yourself, really.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: So what did you learn about yourself?
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um that I'm strong, that I can I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, but I can do things on my own too, that he made me strong and capable and confident.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: And um I'm in my 50s now.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so I don't know that I can say that I know who I am.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of I kind of feel like Alice when the caterpillar says, Who are you?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, I don't know who I am anymore.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: I've been, you know, a bunch of different people just since this morning are you changed?
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so I kind of feel that's how my life is now that I'm constantly looking and growing and deciding who I want to be when I grow up.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, what did you have to unlearn about love?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: When I first, I guess, kind of started out as single, um, I knew that I knew that I was not closed off to another relationship or new relationships.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't really know what I wanted, but I knew what I didn't want.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I don't know that I knew what love was, but I knew what it wasn't.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: So that's kind of how it started.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: Hey you guys, it's me again.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry, I'll be right back with our guests.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you so much for spending time with us today.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you're enjoying the episode so far.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: Let's sit and think about what might have been said that can relate to your life today.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're enjoying it, make sure you like, subscribe, follow, comment, all the things you can find us on YouTube for such a time as this with Bethany Garner, or you can find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's get back to them.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: How did you meet your current partner that you're with now?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: On plenty of fish, um, which I think is losing a little bit of the stigma that it has, you know, when when we first so we've been together for almost nine years and we did, we met online.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we used to kind of hide that from people and be like, oh, we met at libs, and you know, because we didn't want that stigma.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I I think in this day and age it's it's normal because life is so busy, and it's unless you know you you have a large circle of people to to tap into, you know, if you go to a large church or you know, at work, it it's different.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: But um Yeah, I a lot of people meet online nowadays.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um what felt different about this relationship compared to your last one?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: I felt seen.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: I felt seen.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: I felt like I could be myself.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have to um I didn't have to try to be what I thought someone else wanted.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um I could just be, you know, who who I was discovering that I was.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_01: Do you feel like you had to go through like a a phase by yourself of healing before you got into a military?
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, absolutely.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um what did that look like?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was, I spent a lot of time with my friends.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm lucky enough to have um a couple really close, deep friends that are more like sisters, one of which is your mother.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um hi mom.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um so that was very helpful to me.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: They're also very strong Christian women, so it was that um feeding off of them as well to not for my identity so much, but to refill a cup that had been empty for a long time.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that makes sense.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: How did you learn to trust someone again?
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's an interesting question because I don't know I don't know that there was ever a moment.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was just a personal thing that when We met, I just knew.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I really, I really felt that God brought us together.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so from the moment that I met him, there was an immediate comfort and safe space that I didn't have before.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: And he he was not obviously, you know, I I I met a couple of other people before that.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, nothing, nothing serious.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't plan on being serious.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: We only planned on, you know, because he was divorced and he had had um a rocky relationship as well.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: And we really just kind of thought somebody to hang out with, somebody to talk to.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Neither one of us really planned on another relationship.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I guess that kind of takes the pressure off of it too.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because we really weren't looking for that.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I had um, I had met a c a couple other people just just briefly.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember the first time, it was my first date in I don't know, probably 25 years.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I cried the entire way home because I just thought this is this is my life, this is how it's gonna be, and this is, and it was terrible.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, and then I met Tony, who's my partner now, and it just clicked for both of us.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: When what would you tell, like, if if there's a younger girl that's trying to decide what a safe love feels like, what would you tell her to like be observant of?
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: Follow your gut.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: Follow your gut.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I would also say don't just pay attention to how he treats you, pay attention to how he treats other people.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, particularly pay attention to people that he doesn't have to impress, um servers at restaurants or you know, people that in in that sort of capacity that you don't have to make an impression with, or you don't have to pay pay attention to things that people do, not what people say.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: What's it been like being in a healthy, loving relationship after what you've walked through?
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: Beautiful is the first word that comes into my mind.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um it is it's a true partnership.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's a give and take.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I know people always say that uh what partnerships, it's you know, 50-50.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really not 50-50, it's 100-100.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's always gonna be days that you or your partner is not at that 100 level.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes you have to give 120, not 100.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then, but it's supposed to be both of you.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: It should be a focus on taking care of each other.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't, I mean, of course, I I still take care of myself.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: He still takes care of himself, but um, there's a lot of things that we worry about taking care of each other.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: So when that happens, it's this nice balance that you don't have to worry as much about yourself because somebody else is looking, looking out for you too.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's true.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: Has there been like a new level of joy that you've encountered?
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um we are so lucky that our families get along.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I have my two sons.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: He has two daughters, and from the time they have met, and we were a little worried about that because they were both grown people when when we met.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so it wasn't like little kids that were grow up together.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: So there had the potential to be a lot of friction there.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: And there wasn't.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: And if you would see our four kids together now on any given day, no one would know that they didn't grow up, you know.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: They're they're very close.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: They take care of one another, they look out for one another, which that in itself is, you know, a relief to us because of course, you know, our children were our most important things coming into this.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: And right, um, and now we have one grandchild and we have another one on the way.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, our our families are growing um together, and that's exciting.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: That is, and I'm sure it's fun because you had just boys and he had just girls for you each to experience with the other.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's a different dynamic for sure.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: And uh yeah, a little bit I can go to tea now if I want.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he has somebody to talk sports with, and of course, I am a huge football fan though.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now that now that, you know, is that I always loved my ravens, but now I love football.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: So so there's been that too.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_01: What about a piece?
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_01: How how has your peace been changed since your last relationship to now?
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: The the biggest thing I think that I've learned is that first and foremost, peace comes from God.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: There's there's no um alternative to that, regardless of relationships, regardless of you know, parent and child relationships, there is nothing that takes the place of the peace that you can get from a grounded relationship with God.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: That there's just nothing past that.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um but it also nice to not have to constantly think about am I doing enough?
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: Should I do more?
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, do I need to lose weight?
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: Should I change the color of my hair?
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's when a relationship is true, it's so much deeper than all of the things that when we're younger and when we're dating and that seems so important, that then, you know, once you're in that relationship, you realize that's not the stuff that that makes the difference.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's not where that comes from.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: And and that pouring from an empty cup really is true.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: So to have someone constantly filling that cup for you to be able to continue to pour out of, it really does make a difference.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_01: Looking back, what do you think are some of the most important things that God taught you through every part of the journey that you've been on?
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: Uh to wait, to wait on God, uh, to not think that I need to help.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: I have a bad habit of trying to be Holy Ghost Junior and thinking that, you know, well, God, here's what I need.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: So let me help you out and tell you how it needs to happen.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I will tell you that whenever you do that, he will absolutely do things in such a way that is nothing like what you thought.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but there was a definite point in um in my marriage when it was just overwhelming that I was in an empty house and I remember just yelling, God, if I'm your daughter, where are you?
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: And why are you letting this happen?
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I am done.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that done, I think, was really him going, Finally, finally, now move out of the way and let me take care of it.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so that is probably the biggest thing that I've learned is is God is always on time, and we need to make sure that sometimes we're not the reason that, you know, someone once told me that sometimes you have to know when to when to duck so that God can get the punch where it needs to go.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: So um, okay, a couple like final questions for you.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_01: What would you say to someone who feels like they're stuck in an unhealthy relationship and doesn't know when to leave or how to leave?
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: Get help.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: Get real help.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, obviously I would say start start with your friends, start with your family, start with your church.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: But ultimately you know you you don't have to prove yourself to anyone.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um you don't have to.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're not there to please a church.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your marriage isn't there to please a church.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um therapy is important.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there are resources out there for men and women.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I my case it was, you know, that way, but there are, you know, other relationships that you know are similar.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: They're just not, I think, as as talked about.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but there are resources out there.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if someone is trying to talk you into staying in something, there's there's a difference between trying to work on a relationship and trying to um work things out together.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: People have issues, people, you know, need to work out things.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: But if it's a dangerous situation and you know that, don't let anybody tell you otherwise and do whatever you need to do to get help.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's important to hear because even still today, like in the church world, it's often like, no, divorce isn't an option, figure it out.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: And and you know, if you're not in that situation, you can't, I I remember, I remember women at church coming up to me during all of this, and everybody knew I I don't want to say he's crazy because that sounds terrible, but I mean he he was certifiably crazy.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, what the boys and I were going through, and I remember women coming up to me at church and taking my hands and going, how's he doing?
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: Just be there for him, be be a comfort to him.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember talking to one of the elders at the church at the time, and I said, you know, if if one more person tries to tell me to be a soft pillow for my husband to land, I'm gonna choke him with it.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, it is ideally, yes.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's God's will that we should be married, that we should be families, that um that is our our focus.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: But again, you need to wait on God's timing for God to choose that person, for God to make that happen.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you're not supposed to be married.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: There are plenty of people in the Bible that were not married.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's true, too.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so culturally, that was a thing at the time.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I I think that as women, we are so blessed to be in the time that we're in now that God is using women.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, Joel says that your sons and daughters will prophesy.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so a lot of churches still look at biblical norms as doctrine instead of cultural, right?
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, and I'm not trying to say that, you know, absolutely I believe that God still believes in marriage, but that may not be entirely what he has for you.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to be, you need to be connected to God and be connected to his plan for you.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's marriage and maybe it's not.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_01: What about the person that's scared to start over again later in life?
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_01: What do we say to them?
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you what my son told me.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um your mom gave me a nickname a few years back.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: Your mom kind of started this Wonder Woman thing.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: So um, I was kind of really beat down and I was really having a hard time.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: And uh your mom said to me, I said, I'm only human.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, Really?
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because I kind of thought you were Wonder Woman.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it's stuck ever since.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: And now every year thing that your mom sees it's Wonder Woman, she gives to me.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: But um, so when I was struggling in the beginning of, you know, not wanting to do this, uh my son kind of threw the Wonder Woman thing back to me and said, you know, you have to remember though, Wonder Woman didn't do things by herself.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: True.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: She was part of the Hall of Justice.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to go out and find your super friends and find your Justice League.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: So we're not meant to do life alone.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, which asking for help for me was really hard.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: It it still is.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I look at it, I look at it as a um a weakness, you know, vulnerability.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_00: The that the word vulnerable just makes me feel sick to my stomach.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: But um you you need to reach out, not necessarily as a romantic relationship or but get involved in in your church if that's a a good and sound place that um you can trust the people there, find your friends, find your super friends.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um and it's okay to be transparent.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, now that's not to say it doesn't come with a caveat of making sure that the people you're being open with and transparent with are trustworthy.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: But find those people and and be vulnerable and and let them fill you back up.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's good.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you so much for coming on today.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_01: I appreciate you.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_01: I love you.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm thankful to be here too.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_01: Good.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yay.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, bye guys.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys so much for spending time with us today.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_01: I really loved having you here.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_01: If you liked this episode, make sure you share it with someone you know.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'd also love if you guys would comment any questions you might have that we can answer on future episodes.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_01: Remember that each one of you was born for such a time as this.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.