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How To Recognize Your Attachment Needs · Trauma Free Relationship

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  A lot of people have trouble recognizing their attachment
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  needs. Not because on some level they
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  don't know what they are, but because often times, in order
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  for us to recognize our attachment names, it forces us
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  to have to linger in those raw and vulnerable places long
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  enough to recognize it in the moment.
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  So recognizing our attachment needs and long needs, it's not a
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  mystery. We don't have to peel back
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  layers of trauma or dive deep into the psyche to understand
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  what our attachment longings are.
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  But there is a requirement for us to be able to step into those
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  uncomfortable emotions, those past traumas, those fears, and
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  linger in those long enough to be able to recognize that.
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  So that's what we're going to talk about today, how to
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  recognize your attachment needs. Let's get started.
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  Welcome to Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast that
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  provides support and guidance to help heal the wounds of
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  attachment trauma. Whether you find yourself
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  struggling with unresolved issues in the past or have
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  experienced trauma in your current relationship, our goal
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  is to provide accurate, scientifically informed
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  information as well as the tools to help you create a secure
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  connection between you and your partner.
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  And here's your host, Tom Phillip.
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  People will often tell me I want a partner who will respect me.
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  I want a partner who will spend time with me.
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  I want a partner I can trust and depend on.
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  I want a partner who is kind, funny, strong, independent, a
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  good financial provider, so on and so forth.
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  And all these are wonderful qualities.
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  All of us want to have these types of qualities in our best
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  friend and our partner, but these aren't exactly attachment
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  needs. These are wonderful qualities
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  that that are important, but they're not really fundamental
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  at a relational level. And when I'm talking about
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  recognizing our attachment needs, I'm talking about
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  something much deeper. In pivotal moments when things
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  are good, absolutely we want a partner we can depend on a
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  partner who's strong, who's independent, who can be there
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  for us, but that's not really the attachment needs that we
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  need in vulnerable moments. And so these this list of
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  characteristics are great, and I love it when people tell me
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  this, but that's not really the same thing I'm talking about
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  today. In order to recognize our
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  attachment needs and longings means we have to be able to be
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  in touch with our vulnerability. Now I mentioned this in the
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  opening of the show. We have to be able to linger in
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  the wound or the pain associated with that need.
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  And since we are designed to avoid or move away from our pain
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  when it when it arises, this makes being able to tap into
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  that need and understand it all that more challenging.
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  When I help couples get to the vulnerable part of themselves
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  that they often keep hidden, the places where they don't let
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  anyone else see. That wounded part of themselves
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  that says I'm not worthy of love, I don't deserve to be
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  loved. In these places I'm broken or
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  I'll never find somebody who will understand me.
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  These are the real attachment needs and longings that I'm
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  talking about here today. These places deep down that we
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  don't often even let ourselves go, let alone let other people
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  see or let other people go there.
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  With this. There's something that happens
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  when I'm working with couples and we can get down to these
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  these attachment needs. That is absolutely profound and
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  and can be life changing and often times I hear things like I
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  didn't know that about myself or I've never really thought about
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  it that way and I'm learning something completely new or I
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  hear something from their partner that says you know, I
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  never I I kind of knew that about my partner.
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  But I've never heard it like that before or my partners never
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  let me into these places before. My partner's never been really
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  that vulnerable with me. I can't believe I'm seeing this.
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  This is amazing. This is wonderful.
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  It feels like I've I'm really connected to him or her in this
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  moment. So when I'm helping couples be
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  able to drill down and recognize their attachment needs, it means
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  first and foremost, I have to be able to help them be an
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  emotional regulator and somebody that they can trust that will
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  not abandon them in those moments.
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  And this, I think is part of the hard part of of getting down to
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  our attachment needs is being able to 1:00 not only linger in
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  that moment long enough for us to be able to recognize it, but
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  to also allow other people to see us in that place and not to
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  quickly get defensive or move into our protective strategies.
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  Because when we linger there and when we let other people see us
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  linger in those raw emotional places, that is when true
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  healing can take place and it can be absolutely life changing.
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  Now notice the difference between the first set of needs
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  that I mentioned. I want a partner who's funny,
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  kind, helpful, independent, whatever, right?
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  Notice how the focus is a lot on the person and a list of
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  characteristics. And notice that the second list
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  that I talked about is much more about the view of self.
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  It's much more rooted in the eye.
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  I'm never loved in these places. I want somebody who will be able
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  to sit with me and see me in these emotional, vulnerable
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  moments. And so often times our
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  attachment needs and longings, They're completely wrapped up in
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  the view of self. And by that I don't mean
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  selfish. I just mean they are wrapped up
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  in our view of self. And most often it's about the
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  core self, the things that we're often missing in our
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  relationship with our parents and the developmental strivings
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  that have often gone wrong. And so this is what we're really
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  needing and longing for in those moments.
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  Things that we didn't have, things that when they occurred,
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  we shut those places down. We compartmentalize them.
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  We move them to the darker recesses of who we are.
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  And and chained and Bolt locked the door because we don't want
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  to go there. One, because it's painful
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  ourselves, but two is because nobody's really going there with
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  us. Nobody's going to see us in
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  those places. And so understanding our
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  attachment needs mean we get in touch with the view of self, and
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  most likely a view of self that we don't often let others see.
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  In certain times, it's buried beneath layers of protection and
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  defenses and ways of being in the world that we've learned to
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  help keep us safe. But when we do get in touch with
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  it, this part of ourselves, it's raw and painful, and there's
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  something we desperately need that can only come from somebody
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  else seeing us in these places. I'll often ask a person that I'm
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  working with, either a couple or individual, when they start to
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  let me into those places, when they start to expose them, and I
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  know this is so difficult for them.
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  I'll ask them who sees you in this place?
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  Who, whoever gets to see you in this raw emotional place.
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  And more often than not, the answer is no one, no one gets to
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  see me. One, because they don't let
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  themselves go there that often, but two, because nobody was
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  there for them in the past, and so they don't often trust
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  anybody else being able to sit there in those places with them.
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  It's just too hard. Something that we can provide
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  ourselves and that when we begin to really understand what our
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  attachment needs are, can only come from somebody else.
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  So these longings that I'm talking about, we cannot provide
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  for ourself. We can't be a mirror to our own
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  emotions. We can't be two people at once,
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  one experiencing this and the second person being able to show
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  up and sit with them and empathize and have compassion
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  for that place as well. So these needs can really only
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  come from an attachment figure, from someone that we would
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  profoundly trust to be able to help us in those moments.
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  So as I've said, the first step is being able to hold on to our
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  vulnerability long enough to understand this view of self.
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  This is this is where meditation, fasting, yoga, alone
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  time, quiet time. This is where a lot of the
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  exercises that I talk about for how to stay rooted in our body
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  and and is so pivotal to being able to overcome trauma.
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  This is where these types of exercises come in.
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  This is where meditation and and a a short fast 12 or 24 hours or
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  yoga or Tai chi, any of these types of things.
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  And the reason is because they get us rooted in our body and
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  they allow us to be able to have more peace in our body and more
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  calm in our body. And as a result, we are more
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  capable of being able to hold on to our vulnerable places for a
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  little bit longer. And so it's really important to
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  to start working and trying these types of exercises because
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  they can be so helpful. For this reason alone, it helps
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  us get in touch with our attachment needs in ways that we
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  often block out or push to the recesses of our mind in order to
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  compartmentalize and in order to move on with life, to deal with
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  the day-to-day stuff, to have to go to work, to have to attend to
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  family, to have to raise our children, to have to function in
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  the world. All of that going on has a price
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  that we pay, and the price we pay as we often push and
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  compartmentalize our raw, emotional, traumatic places to a
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  dark corner. So, holding on to our
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  vulnerability, I I'd like to think about it a little bit.
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  Like a candle in a burning room, it doesn't take much to
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  extinguish the flame of a candle, a a small wind,
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  somebody's breath, a door opening or closing.
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  It doesn't take much to blow out the flame.
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  And yet when the flame is lit, we can see everything in the
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  room. It illuminates the entire room.
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  Even a small flame can illuminate the entire room.
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  So it doesn't take much for us to move away from our vulnerable
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  places. A harsh word, a disapproving
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  look from our partner. Criticism, Blame, abandonment,
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  rejection. But when we learn to hold on to
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  our vulnerability a little bit longer, then just like when the
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  flame is illuminated, it helps us to be able to understand our
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  attachment needs. It illuminates the needs beneath
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  the pane, just like the candle illuminates the room, and it
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  doesn't take much to blow it out.
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  It doesn't take much for us to move away from our attachment
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  longings and needs, But to do that, we have to be able to sit
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  long enough within our vulnerability in order for us to
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  be able to recognize them. So as I began this podcast and I
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  was listing these characteristics of people, those
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  were wonderful characteristics to have.
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  But that's not really the attachment longings and needs
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  that I'm talking about here today.
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  And it's often not about grand gestures.
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  Sometimes the attachment needs and longings, they show up in
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  really small ways. They can be often very intimate
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  acts of empathy, compassion and sacrifice on the part of our
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  partner that gets us to our attachment needs, that meets our
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  attachment needs and longings. They can be a gentle touch that
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  says things will be OK. It can be a word of reassurance.
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  I know this is really hard for us right now.
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  We will get through this. It can be a reassuring hug that
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  says we're going to be all right, you're going to be all
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  right. They're feeling, really seen and
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  understood in those moments. And they also know what matters
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  most, that this person's not going to give up on them, that
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  they that their emotions, and especially the the hurt and
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  painful emotions that we don't let anybody see.
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  It sends a message to the person that hey, you are not too much
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  for me. Whatever it is you're feeling is
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  not going to send me running out the door.
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  I'm not going to leave. You're not too much for me.
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  And and when we often get met in these painful places where our
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  partner can show up, it can take away our pain.
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  It doesn't change the past, it doesn't fix everything.
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  But what it does is it allows us to share the painful burden
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  between two people. And that's always easier to
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  share it than it is to bear the load on our shoulders all by
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  ourself. So it doesn't fix the past.
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  It doesn't correct or make what what went wrong right.
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  But what it does is it it spreads that pain out a little
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  bit and it helps us bear that burden and and it helps us be
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  seen in these places where we are not alone.
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  Attachment trauma, they often say, comes in two ways.
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  It comes not only through the event itself, which can be
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  overwhelming and traumatic, but then the trauma is double down
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  on because it means that nobody actually sees us when we get
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  traumatized and nobody helps us process and understand and sits
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  with us in those raw, vulnerable places.
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  And so it trauma often can be a double whammy, especially
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  attachment trauma, relational trauma, because somebody can
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  hurt us, they can traumatize us repeatedly and and then there's
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  also no repair that happens that tells us it's OK, it can be
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  better. And so it's just a perpetual
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  rupture or A1 rupture after another after another that can
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  be so difficult for us to be able to, to understand what's
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  happening, to make sense of that, to be able to have the
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  benefit of an attachment partner.
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  And that's probably a great way of saying that when you have
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  relational trauma, you do not have the benefit of a secure
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  attachment relationship that somebody will be able to show up
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  for you in these moments and in these places.
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  And so you are left sort of with parts of yourself that become
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  unknown, with parts of yourself you don't often access or maybe
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  rarely ever access. And so it really becomes all
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  that much more difficult to recognize our attachment needs.
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  I hope you've enjoyed this podcast today.
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  I love making these things for you guys.
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  So, so, thank you so much for listening.
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  This was a really great one I've been thinking a lot about, and
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  especially when I'm working with my couples.
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  How do I, how do I get this information out?
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  How do I help people be able to understand how to recognize
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  their attachment needs and longings more?
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  Because this is so crucial to us being able to heal our traumas
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  and for us to be able to create a secure connection when we need
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  to. So being able to hold our
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  vulnerabilities longer, being able to sit with this so that we
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  can invite other people into those moments that will show up
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  for us and help us bear that burden, is oftentimes how we
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  really recognize our attachment longings.
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  And they don't often come in big grand gestures.
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  They often come in small gestures like touch, kind words,
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  compassionate eyes, things that help us understand in those
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  moments that we don't have to bear that burden and that trauma
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  alone. Thank you all very much.
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  We'll talk to you next time. Thank you for listening to
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  Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast for the healing of
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  attachment trauma. You can find us on Facebook,
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  Instagram, or our website at traumafreerelationship.com.
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  Be sure to look for our next episode on your favorite
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  streaming service.