Latest / Have You Seen?! The Movie Podcast / Now That's What I Call Sponsors! VOL 1

Transcript

Now That's What I Call Sponsors! VOL 1 · Have You Seen?! The Movie Podcast

• 0:00
  Joe: Hey Dylan, what are we talking about today?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_14: Welcome to Now That's What I Call Sponsors, Volume 1.
• 0:22
  Joe: The episode where we stop pretending these sponsors are real.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_14: And start thanking the very real people who made them sound way too legit.
• 0:30
  Joe: The ads started as throwaway jokes.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_14: And somehow became a full-blown compilation album.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_14: So let's start strong.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_12: Thank you for calling Crystal Clear Car Rentals, where our name is Crystal Clear, but nothing else is.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_12: How can I?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_12: Yes, Susan, I'm bringing the sweet potato casserole.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_12: No, the one with the marshmallows.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_12: No, the good marshmallows, please.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_12: Sorry about that.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_12: Anyway, traveling for the holidays?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_12: Great! At Crystal Clear, we offer a wide selection of vehicles.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_12: Susan, who's bringing the stuffing?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_12: Because I swear if Larry brings that dry thing again.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_12: Oh, right, your reservation.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_12: Reserve a compact?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_12: We clearly gave it to someone else.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_12: Booked a full-size sedan?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_12: Crystal Clear doesn't actually guarantee sizes or availability or keys.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_12: No, I'm not driving to your sister's again.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_12: That driveway still smells like gravy from last year.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_12: If you have questions, don't worry.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_12: Our customer service team is here to help.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_12: We can't fix anything.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_12: We won't fix anything, but we'll absolutely smile while telling you it's not our department.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_12: I'm not making the green bean casserole.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_12: I made it last year.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_12: I'm done.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_12: I'm over it.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_12: So this holiday season, choose Crystal Clear Car Rentals, where you'll always get charged.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_12: You might get a car, and who forgot the greenberry sauce?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_12: And don't forget your rental agreement.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_12: Happy Thanksgiving! Gobble gobble.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_12: Welcome to Cretaceous Land Vacations, where the beaches are pristine, the views are prehistoric, and the wildlife experience is unlike anything on earth.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_12: At Cretaceous Land Vacations, you'll enjoy luxury resorts, state-of-the-art security, and guided tours through our exclusive wildlife preserves, home to creatures you've only seen in museums or nightmares.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_12: Relax! Knowing our attractions are completely safe, our systems are fully automated, and our scientists are absolutely certain nothing could possibly go wrong.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_12: From breathtaking jungle vistas to intimate encounters with nature's most ambitious experiments, this is the vacation everyone will be talking about.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_12: Cretaceous land vacations.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_12: We spare no expense.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_12: Book now.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_12: Ferries run every hour.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_12: Helicopter is subject to availability.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_12: Refunds not guaranteed.
• 3:34
  Joe: Crystal clear car rentals from planes, trains, and automobiles.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_14: And Cretaceous Land Vacations from Jurassic Park.
• 3:43
  Joe: Both voiced by Angela, who managed to make budget rental counters and dinosaur tourism feel equally safe.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_14: I trusted her completely.
• 3:53
  Joe: You would have signed the waiver.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_14: Without reading it.
• 4:00
  Joe: The five-family olive oils, imported, respected, like an offer you can't refuse.
• 4:07
  Joe: In this business, there are rules, tradition, loyalty, respect, and in the kitchen, there are no shortcuts.
• 4:16
  Joe: The five-family olive oil is cold-pressed in the old country, crafted for slow Sundays, quiet dinners, and meals that bring everyone back to the table.
• 4:27
  Joe: Smooth, bold, balanced, an oil that knows when to stand up, and when to let the dish speak for itself.
• 4:35
  Joe: You don't argue with tradition, you honor it.
• 4:39
  Joe: The five family olive oils, because some things are earned, and flavor is one of them.
• 4:55
  Joe: This holiday season, are you looking for something special?
• 4:59
  Joe: Something that really captures the feeling of 2025?
• 5:03
  Joe: At said Tree Emporium, we specialize in the kind of Christmas trees that make you whisper, Aw buddy, you tried.
• 5:10
  Joe: Bent branches, missing needles, a single questionable ornament.
• 5:15
  Joe: If it looks like it needs a hug, it's for sale.
• 5:18
  Joe: Whether you want a tree that leans dramatically to the left, a tree that sighs when you plug it in, or a tree that makes your friends say, Should we talk?
• 5:27
  Joe: We've got you covered.
• 5:29
  Joe: Because at Sad Tree Emporium, we believe every tree deserves a home.
• 5:34
  Joe: Even the ones that might break your heart a little.
• 5:37
  Joe: Sad Tree Emporium.
• 5:38
  Joe: If it's sad, it's for sale.
• 5:45
  Joe: Then there's me.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_14: Yes, our in-house dramatic narrator.
• 5:49
  Joe: Five Family Olive Oil from The Godfather.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_14: And Sad Tree Emporium from A Charlie Brown Christmas.
• 5:55
  Joe: One says Legacy and Respect.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_14: The other says, this tree has seen some things.
• 6:02
  Joe: Both emotionally powerful.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_13: Are you tired of dates ending with bite marks and emotional trauma?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_04: Jerry's Fang Club.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_04: Woo! Where the knife bites back.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_13: Then join Jerry's Fang Club, the only neighborhood association that meets after sunset.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_13: We'll show you how to host dinner parties without accidentally eating the guests.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_13: Pick up a cape that really pops and master the art of the subtle hiss.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_13: Jerry's Fang Club, where every member gets a real taste of the community.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_04: Join the Fang Club that's love at first.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_04: Jerry's Fang Club will have you by joy.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_13: Then jump on down to Chrono Tech Auto and Flux service, where we keep your time machine running across every decade.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_13: Whether your flux drive's flickering or your chrono coils are crossed, or your power source keeps going nuclear, our certified time techs will have you back on schedule.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_13: Guaranteed.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_13: Because here at Chronotech, we believe your past, present, and future all deserve to run as smooth as clockwork.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_13: And don't miss out, our all new future-proof upgrade package are coming soon to Chronotex.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_13: Keeping your timeline in line.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_13: From anti-aging flux cables to our patent pending clean energy reactor.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_13: We're powering your journeys with tomorrow's technology today.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_13: Need a hover conversion, a dimensional GPS calibration, or maybe a quantum body wax to keep your ride looking timeless.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_13: You know who to call today Call Today.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_13: Chronotech Auto and Flux Service, fixing the future since before it started.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_13: And yes, our warranty technically hasn't happened yet.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_13: Chronotech, keeping your timeline in line again.
• 10:45
  Joe: Now let's talk about Lance.
• 10:47
  Joe: Who absolutely dominated the chaos line.
• 10:50
  Joe: Jerry's Fan Club from Fright Knight.
• 10:52
  Joe: Time Machine Tune Up from Back to the Future 1.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_14: And the the Future of Chrono Tech from Back to the Future Part 2.
• 10:59
  Joe: If we ever need someone to sell futuristic tech or mildly concerning memberships.
• 11:05
  Joe: Lance is your guy.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_07: Feeling tired, wrinkled, perhaps a bit too mortal?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_07: Fear not, Dearies.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_07: The Sanderson Sisters Youth Serum is back for another enchanting season.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_07: Brewed fresh in Salem with our patented blend of moonlight, mystery, and uh one or two secret ingredients we can't legally mention.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_07: One sip, and you'll feel centuries younger.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_07: Side effects may include spontaneous keggling or turning your vacuum into a personal transport device.
• 11:45
  unknown: Shh.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: And remember, it's all just a bunch of focus.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_07: Available now wherever magical potions are questionably sold.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_07: And please, for your own safety, don't light the black flame candle.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_07: Foolish mortals.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_14: Jennifer brought unhinged brilliance to Sanderson Sisters Youth Serum from Hocus Pocus.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_14: That ad felt illegal, incredibly unsafe, and we loved every second of it.
• 12:33
  Ad: Is your holiday season looking a little too sunny?
• 12:37
  Ad: Has your living room been tragically deprived of Bing Crosby approved snowfall?
• 12:42
  Ad: Introducing snow on demand, the only aerosol product scientifically proven to turn any room into a winter wonderland or a mile safety hazard.
• 12:52
  Ad: Results may vary.
• 12:53
  Ad: Just point, spray, and watch as your home becomes the perfect backdrop for a dramatic musical number, emotional confession, or a spontaneous duet you absolutely did not rehearse.
• 13:06
  Ad: I used snow and demand in my kitchen.
• 13:09
  Ad: Now my floor is uh permanently festive.
• 13:15
  Ad: That's the snow and demand guarantee.
• 13:18
  Ad: It doesn't just bring the snow, it brings the experience.
• 13:22
  Ad: Warning.
• 13:23
  Ad: Snow and demand may cost slipping, sliding, unwanted taproutines, frosted pets, and that one cousin reenacting the whole sister's number.
• 13:28
  Ad: Snow and demand is not responsible for broken ornaments, cracked egos, or relationships strained by spontaneous choreography.
• 13:33
  Ad: Snow and demand.
• 13:34
  Ad: Because who has time to wait for real weather?
• 13:38
  Ad: Make your Christmas white.
• 13:39
  Ad: Even if Mother Nature said, nah.
• 13:42
  Ad: Snow and demand.
• 13:43
  Ad: Shake the can and start the magic.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_14: Hannah delivered pure holiday magic with Snow on Demand from White Christmas.
• 13:57
  Joe: A business idea so convincing, we briefly checked to see if it existed.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_09: Tired of being late, or worse, on time.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_09: Again, at Punk Sitaani Precision Clockworks, our fine timekeepers always keep you on time, no matter what your day holds and holds and holds.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_09: Whether it's 6 a.m.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_09: or 6 a.m.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_09: or 6 a.m., our handcrafted clocks are built to last and relive every single moment with you.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_09: Overslept?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_09: Our clocks already knew.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_09: Running late, not today.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_09: Living the same day over and over again while slowly confronting your own personal growth.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_09: We've got a model for that.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_09: From classic mantle clocks to alarm clocks that politely remind you it's still February 2nd.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_09: Punks Atani Precision Clockworks.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_09: Because when time is a flat circle, you might as well be punctual.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_09: Punks Atani Precision Clockworks.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_09: Always on time.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_09: Every time, every time, every time.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_14: Punks Atani Clockworks from Groundhog Day.
• 15:13
  Joe: Glad you said that.
• 15:14
  Joe: Voiced by Melissa, who somehow made horology in a time loop sound profitable.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_14: If you're reliving the same day forever, at least your clock should work.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_08: The house is quiet.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_08: And someone isn't from around here.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_08: He's traveled millions of miles, crossed galaxies, hidden in closets, and now he's hungry.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_08: Some say phone home.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_08: We say phone through pizza.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_08: Hot, fresh, and extraterrestrial.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_08: Delivered anywhere, suburb, forest, and bicep basket.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_08: No spaceship required.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_08: Phone home pizza.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_08: While you're light years away from home, but just one call away from extra cheese.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_08: We come in peace and with pepperoni.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_14: Then we have phone home pizza from ET.
• 16:12
  Joe: Voiced by Mike, who made extraterrestrial delivery feel completely normal.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_14: Honestly, I would absolutely order from a glowing finger rewards program.
• 16:22
  Joe: Two choppings and a light year guarantee.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_11: At Red Pill Pharmaceuticals, we believe in truth.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_11: Clarity.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_11: Awakening.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_11: Ask your doctor if red pill is right for you.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_10: Or don't.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_10: Because at Blue Pill Pharmaceuticals, we believe you deserve peace.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_10: Comfort.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_10: A full eight hours of blissful, uninterrupted ignorance.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_10: Excuse me, but this is our ad slot.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_10: No, this is clearly Blue Pill Pharmaceuticals' premium enlightenment suppression window.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_10: Red pill helps you see reality for what it truly is.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_10: Blue pill helps you not see that reality is horrifying.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_10: Red pill may cause sudden awareness, existential dread, and the collapse of perceived reality.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_10: Blue pill may cause mild contentment, selective memory, and an increased tolerance for late-stage capitalism.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_10: Side effects of red pill include unplugging from simulated environments, discovering robot overlords, and irreversible philosophical growth.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_10: Side effects of blue pill include sleeping peacefully, trusting the system, and never questioning why your steak tastes slightly digital.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_10: Would you rather know the truth?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_10: Or would you rather sleep well?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_10: Red pill pharmaceuticals.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_10: Because you deserve reality.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_10: Blue pill pharmaceuticals.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_10: Because reality is exhausting.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_10: Ask your doctor.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_10: Ask your conscience.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_10: Ask literally anyone still plugged in.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_10: Blue pill pharmaceuticals.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_10: We show you how soft the pillow.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_06: Red and blue pill pharmaceuticals are not responsible for awakening, sleeping, rebellion, enlightenment, and confusion.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_06: Kung Fu downloads, trenchable purchases, or politime incidents.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_06: Consult you ship captain before unplugging offer void his eye.
• 18:16
  Joe: And finally, voiced by Annie Antonia.
• 18:20
  Joe: Two voices, one life-altering decision.
• 18:23
  Joe: Side effects may include questioning reality or continuing to listen to this podcast.
• 18:28
  Joe: Both strong options.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_14: Seriously, though, thank you to Angela, Joe, Lance, Jennifer, Hannah, Melissa, Mike, Annie, and Tanya for jumping in, committing to the bit, and making these spoof ads one of our favorite parts of the show.
• 18:47
  Joe: Who started as fake sponsors.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_14: Became one of our favorite traditions.
• 18:51
  Joe: And somehow.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_14: This is only volume one.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_14: And let's be honest.
• 18:55
  Joe: This does not feel like a one-time thing.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_14: No, this feels like a franchise.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_14: A dangerous precedent.
• 19:02
  Joe: And the inevitable arrival of the city of the world.
• 19:05
  Joe: Now that's what I call sponsors volume two.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_14: Coming next season, where we make more bad ideas sound professional.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_14: Which, if you've listened to this show, is definitely a great idea.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_14: You've heard the finished product all season long, but next week, you're getting the chaos, the missed lines, the broken takes, the moments we absolutely lost it.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_14: The blooper episode drops next week.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_14: You've been warned.