Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1143 - Getting Clear on What You Want

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#1143 - Getting Clear on What You Want · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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  Speaker 2: wants answers.
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  Speaker 1: Now. The days are hot, the kids are out of school,
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  Speaker 1: the wind up for the year is in full swing,
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  Speaker 1: and this is our last Older Better Tomorrow for the year.
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  Speaker 1: For those of you who haven't caught on with Older
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  Speaker 1: Better Tomorrow, it's our weekly reflection when we look at
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  Speaker 1: what we did right or what we did wrong, and
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  Speaker 1: how we are trying to be better parents tomorrow because
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  Speaker 1: we're not always getting it right today, Kylie, for our
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  Speaker 1: end of year Older Better Tomorrow. You wanted to kick
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  Speaker 1: things off? Where are you going to take us?
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  Speaker 2: Not any way? Good?
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  Speaker 1: Actually, all right, here's the gooss. There's something to listen
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  Speaker 1: out for and look forward to.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm not gonna lie. With just over two weeks
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  Speaker 2: to go till the end of the year, I feel
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  Speaker 2: completely and utterly physically, mentally, emotionally burned. Yeah, you haven't
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  Speaker 2: been yourself in a real funk. And the challenge I
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  Speaker 2: have when I get into these spaces is living into
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  Speaker 2: that notion that I should There's all these shoulds in
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  Speaker 2: my life. I should be doing this, I should be
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  Speaker 2: doing that. I need to be doing this, I need
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  Speaker 2: to be doing that. And what inevitably happens when we
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  Speaker 2: live into that mentality is that we feel like all
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  Speaker 2: of our choices are taken away from us. Yeah, we
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  Speaker 2: actually have no control over what we can and can't do,
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  Speaker 2: because there are so many things we should be doing.
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  Speaker 1: In fact, we had a conversation the other day about that, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: and I said, when we're feeling really stressed and burned out,
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  Speaker 1: it comes from a lack of agency, a lack of
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  Speaker 1: control or lack of autonomy, like we feel like we
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  Speaker 1: should and we must and we have to, and that
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  Speaker 1: lack of feeling like you don't have any choices. It's
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  Speaker 1: the thing that causes the burnout, that causes the stress.
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  Speaker 1: Because there are plenty of people who are super busy,
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  Speaker 1: but when they're choosing to be busy in those ways,
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  Speaker 1: it doesn't give them the same sort of burnout, doesn't
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  Speaker 1: give them the same stress.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. I think you're right, And I've found myself falling
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  Speaker 2: into the trap of thinking about things as shoulds and musks,
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  Speaker 2: and it's not done any of us favors, but especially me.
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  Speaker 1: Can I get out on this for just a sec
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  Speaker 1: I know that I'll do better tomorrow. We're not supposed
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  Speaker 1: to be sciency. But there's a form of motivation or
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  Speaker 1: regulation called interjected regulation. So if you're externally motivated, you're
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  Speaker 1: doing something because you're going to get a reward, or
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  Speaker 1: somebody's threatening you. There's punishment. That's the lowest form of motivation.
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  Speaker 1: But the next lowest is this thing called introjected motivation.
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  Speaker 1: And that's what you're describing, is where you're doing things
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  Speaker 1: because you believe you're supposed to, because you have to,
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  Speaker 1: because you should, because you must. And that's why it
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  Speaker 1: leads to burnout because instead of somebody dangling a carrot
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  Speaker 1: or a stick, you're doing it to yourself. That's fundamentally
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  Speaker 1: it and that's why it's so exhausting, and that's why
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  Speaker 1: so many people are so stressed, because when you're living
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  Speaker 1: an interjected motivation or regulation style, it is simply exhausting.
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  Speaker 1: You don't feel like you have any agency or control.
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  Speaker 2: I think the challenge for a lot of mums, though,
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  Speaker 2: is that so much of what needs to happen in
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  Speaker 2: the home. Is it has to happen?
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  Speaker 1: Yes, should it must. There's a word for dinner tonight, kids.
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  Speaker 1: I'm feeling interjected. I'm feeling interjected and it's not good
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  Speaker 1: for me. It's burning me out, it's stressing me. Let's
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  Speaker 1: talk about interjected regulation. That's going to be such a
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  Speaker 1: stimulating conversation. That's having a cluck to night around the
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  Speaker 1: dinner table.
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  Speaker 2: You know, I can choose, I can choose to not
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  Speaker 2: to do the washing. But after a few days this
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  Speaker 2: becomes a really big problem.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you lose access to choice. It simply has to
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  Speaker 1: be done, or you blow up at the kids because
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  Speaker 1: they're not pulling their weight. And honestly, how many ten
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  Speaker 1: year olds really are going to get in there and
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  Speaker 1: do that right?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, Or I can choose to not cook dinner for
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  Speaker 2: a week, but unfortunately what.
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  Speaker 1: My bank balance can't handle that.
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  Speaker 2: Well, it's not even that we've got kids who are
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  Speaker 2: eating to tell for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
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  Speaker 1: Or without a bread or.
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  Speaker 2: Whatever it is. And the flow on impact so so
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  Speaker 2: much of a mum's life. And I am going to
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  Speaker 2: say a mum's life. There are lots of things that
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  Speaker 2: we just we don't have a choice about, we actually
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  Speaker 2: have to do them, or as life falls apart and
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  Speaker 2: we're in a much worse place. And when we get
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  Speaker 2: to that point where we just feel so absolutely burnt out,
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  Speaker 2: as I do right now, then that feeling just is
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  Speaker 2: complicated because of those things. So over the last few
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  Speaker 2: days you and I have been having conversations about what
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  Speaker 2: next year will look like and how we can change,
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  Speaker 2: specifically the things in my life, because there's so many
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  Speaker 2: big rocks that just have that they're there, they have
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  Speaker 2: to be there, and I'm just choosing to have them there,
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  Speaker 2: but they also have a huge impact in the way
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  Speaker 2: my life functions.
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  Speaker 1: So you've just used this term big rocks. What you're
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  Speaker 1: talking about there is if you've got to put everything
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  Speaker 1: into a jar, you've got big rocks, you've got little rocks,
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  Speaker 1: you've got sand, you've got water, You've got to put
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  Speaker 1: the big rocks in first. Otherwise, if you put all
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  Speaker 1: the small stuff in, the big stuff just won't fit,
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  Speaker 1: whereas the small stuff fits in around the big stuff.
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  Speaker 1: So that's the idea of the analogy there. Our problem is,
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  Speaker 1: in some ways we've actually got too many big rocks.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think six rocks fits in there. And that's
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  Speaker 2: just the kids.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right, and then there's me, Hello, Hello.
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  Speaker 1: So it's really really it's a heavy load.
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  Speaker 2: I think the second trap to that often mums fall
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  Speaker 2: into is the Martin mentality. I've got so many things
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  Speaker 2: I have to do, and I have to forego the
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  Speaker 2: things that are good for me in my life personally
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  Speaker 2: and individually for the betterment of the family. And I've
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  Speaker 2: done a bit of that over the last few months,
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  Speaker 2: and it's had a really detrimental impact on the way
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  Speaker 2: I'm feeling and thinking about life in general. I've just
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  Speaker 2: spent a little bit of time over the last couple
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  Speaker 2: of days thinking about the things that have worked in
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  Speaker 2: the past that have helped me to feel just mentally,
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  Speaker 2: physically and emotionally stronger. And as I think about those things,
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  Speaker 2: I have none of them in my life right now.
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  Speaker 2: Right I've literally let go of all of them because
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  Speaker 2: I haven't seen a way to be able to add
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  Speaker 2: them to all of the other stuff that's going on.
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  Speaker 1: There's so much value in just saying when has it
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  Speaker 1: been good and what was I doing then? Because when
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  Speaker 1: you can sometimes circumstances don't allow you to recreate everything.
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  Speaker 1: You've got more kids, or you're living in a different
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  Speaker 1: place or whatever. But when you can see that things
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  Speaker 1: have been good previously, and you can lean on the
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  Speaker 1: fact that A you do know how to do this,
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  Speaker 1: and B if you can just find a way to
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  Speaker 1: start doing some of those things again, you feel more igentic,
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  Speaker 1: you feel like you're taking back control. There's less introjection.
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  Speaker 1: If I can use that word again, you start to
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  Speaker 1: hit in a positive direction and it well, it ideally
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  Speaker 1: will move you to you want to be.
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  Speaker 2: So my take home from today is just if you
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  Speaker 2: find yourself in that rut, take a few moments to
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  Speaker 2: just check in and to reflect on the things that
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  Speaker 2: have worked in the past, the things that have helped
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  Speaker 2: you to feel mentally, physically and emotionally stronger, and work
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  Speaker 2: out how you can just add even just one of
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  Speaker 2: those things back into your life.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm going to jump in here as well. There's
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  Speaker 1: a question that I've been asking you regularly, consistently, annoyingly,
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  Speaker 1: but it's a really important one, and that is what
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  Speaker 1: do you want? The reason I keep asking that question
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  Speaker 1: is I just don't think that people know what they want,
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  Speaker 1: And as you and I've been talking things through consistently,
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  Speaker 1: there's been an indication from you that you don't know
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  Speaker 1: what you want. And when I ask you what you want,
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  Speaker 1: and then I ask you why you don't have reasons
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  Speaker 1: for what you want, and quite often your backtracking on
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  Speaker 1: what you want because it's not actually what you want.
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  Speaker 1: Getting really clear on what you want is so necessary,
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  Speaker 1: Like what direction am I trying to travel? Why? Once
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  Speaker 1: you get that taken care of, then you can start
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  Speaker 1: to make plans and start to head in that direction
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  Speaker 1: and ideally start to lift that funk. But it's a
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  Speaker 1: really big take home message. I hope that that resonates,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm sure that you're not the only one, especially
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  Speaker 1: at this time of year, who's feeling that way.
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  Speaker 2: So what's your learning from this week?
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  Speaker 1: My learning from this week is really simple. This week,
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  Speaker 1: I haven't had to travel anywhere. I haven't had to
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  Speaker 1: do anything other than work on writing my book. There's
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  Speaker 1: been a bit of admin in the office because running
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  Speaker 1: a business requires that, but essentially this week has been
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  Speaker 1: just doing one thing, and as a result of that,
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  Speaker 1: I've been available during the afternoon to help prepare dinners.
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  Speaker 1: I've been available to help run kids around. I've been
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  Speaker 1: able to spend time with the kids, jumping in and
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  Speaker 1: out of the pool, or going for a bike ride,
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  Speaker 1: or going out of the beach and it has been heaven.
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  Speaker 1: Some years ago, a guy called Alfie Kohne, who is
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  Speaker 1: one of the major inspirations behind me doing what I do.
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  Speaker 1: I was a struggling radio announcer read one of his books,
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  Speaker 1: Punished by Rewards, became the catalyst for me going back
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  Speaker 1: to university and studying. While I studied, I remember reaching
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  Speaker 1: out to Alfi in the early days before I even
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  Speaker 1: knew that I was going to start speaking myself for
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  Speaker 1: a living, and I asked him whether or not he
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  Speaker 1: would come to Australia, whether I could organize with other
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  Speaker 1: people to bring him out to Australia for a series
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  Speaker 1: of talks, and he said, my children are young and
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  Speaker 1: I don't travel to speak like he'd drawn that line.
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  Speaker 1: He'd drawn that boundary. I would have the privilege to
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  Speaker 1: say that because obviously his books had done well enough
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  Speaker 1: that he had sufficient income to provide for his family's
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  Speaker 1: financial needs. But he'd drawn that line in the sand
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  Speaker 1: and said, I'm available for my children during these precious years.
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  Speaker 1: I haven't done that. Like I'm a parenting expert, but
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  Speaker 1: I haven't done that. But over the last week, because
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  Speaker 1: I've just concentrated on writing this new book about boys
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  Speaker 1: and been present and home and not traveled my older
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  Speaker 1: better tomorrow is just do one thing, to do it
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  Speaker 1: really well and make sure that there's margin in your
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  Speaker 1: life so that you can spend time with the people
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  Speaker 1: that you love, supporting the people that you love, and
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  Speaker 1: doing things with the people that you love. It's just
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  Speaker 1: been a dream. I'm looking forward to the next three
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  Speaker 1: or four weeks where we can do a whole lot
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  Speaker 1: more of that.
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  Speaker 2: Well. I know that the kids have really loved having
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  Speaker 2: more time with you in the pool.
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  Speaker 1: What about you?
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  Speaker 2: Have you loved it?
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  Speaker 1: I know it's been a rough week, but have you
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  Speaker 1: have you loved it? Have you? Have you seen how
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  Speaker 1: hard I've tried?
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  Speaker 2: Well, I haven't got out of my swimmers all day.
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  Speaker 1: The Happy Family podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
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  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. If you'd like more information about making your
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  Speaker 1: family happier, we've got all the resources in our shop
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  Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot au. Make sure you
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  Speaker 1: check it out. If you haven't left to say five
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: star rating and review, we'd love for you to do
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: that as well. Go hard with those five stars and
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: have a great weekend. We'll be back on Monday with
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: more from the Happy Families podcast