Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / Happy Hour #46: Do You Want to be a Throuple?

Transcript

Happy Hour #46: Do You Want to be a Throuple? · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this standing and Samantha, and welcome to stuff. I
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: never told you production if I heart radio, and today
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: it is time for another happy hour. As always, drink
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: responsibly if you choose to do so. Um, what are
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: you saving on, Samantha? You know I'm gonna throw it
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: back old school. I used to love Negro medellos and
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: I saw them in the beer section. I was like, yeah,
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: it's been a long time. I want that. So I
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: got a Nigro medello with a lime and it's delicious, nice, nice.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Um as of this moment, not a sponsor. So I
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: have some gin and lime and lemon and raspberries and
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: and um, topped it all with sparkling water because I
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: just had. I forgot to talk about this. In our traditions,
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: she's giving. Of course, I just had. She's giving. And interestingly,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: this might tell you my state of mind. I gave
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: up all control over it. We're normally I'm the one
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: that's like, we gotta get this many, we gotta get
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: these things. And you say I didn't buy anything for it.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: I contributed money, but I was like, do as you will.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: I want a cucumber. I love cucumber and cheese. But
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: I have a friend, my good friend Katie, who's been
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: on here before. She likes to pick at me because
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: I don't like to have snacks and she loves snacks.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: I don't really eat a love sweets. She loves seats,
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: so she always brings like all of these things and
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: then lose it here and she knows I won't eat them.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: But anyway, the raspberries for hers um. So I'm trying
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: to find ways to use up all these browsers. There's
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: just so many raspberries. I do like fruit, and I
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: used to. I actually stopped buying berries because I realized
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: they were taking up like a significant percentage of my budget.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: Back when I used to go to the grocery store
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: every week, my berry budget was huge because they can
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: get quite expensive. But I don't normally eat them by
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: themselves anymore. So I'm just getting creative with some uses.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: But this has a lot of raspberries, and it's nice
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: to change the color. It's nice pink ish color. Yeah,
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: so today I did want to talk about threples. This
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: deserves a whole episode, and we've been meaning to do
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: one for a while, especially like Polly relationships and how
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: they can look and we want to bring someone on
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: to talk to talk to us about those things. So
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: this is a much more personal take. Just caveat this
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: is just my kind of loose research and thoughts because,
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: as I've mentioned lately, I have been thinking about what
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: a relationship could look like for me as an a
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: sexual person if I ever wanted to pursue one, which
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: I might not, and honestly, just knowing how I identify
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: and asking these questions, it's felt huge and kind of
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: fun and exciting. I will not lie and say it's
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: always easy, because it is not. But that's been nice
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: to be kind of like expanding what I think could
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: be what it could be for me and that that's
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: okay and it doesn't mean I'm a failure and all
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: those kinds of things. Yeah, it feels like discovering something new.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: And actually, speaking of Katie, we were talking about Thriftles
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: and she was also like, you know, I've been thinking
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: about that. I didn't know there's a whole dating app
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: for Thriftles specifically, which I would love to learn more about.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: I would love to learn more about, but not not today.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: That surprised me. But yeah, I think one of the
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: most empowering parts of this is something we've discussed before,
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: which is really embracing negotiation and like not taking anything
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: for granted in what a relationship is or should look like,
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: or how you should act in one, because once you
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: step outside of heteronormative relationshipscripts and everything is sort of
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: new because we don't see it represented often, or at
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: least that's been for me, it just feels all of
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: it feels kind of like, oh, I'm not sure we
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: need to talk about this or we need to ask
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: about this. And this is not to say hetero couples
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: don't negotiate, and I'm a big proponent for negotiating in
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: general or just discussing wants and knees, but for me,
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: I was so steeped and sex and relationships that they
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: only looked this one way that this has been really
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: huge actually, and I've been seeing this come up a
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: lot in fan fiction a lot in fan fiction, and
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: it's really interesting to see how they handle the negotiations
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: of how things of how things can look. So as
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: a part of all this, I think I could be
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: in a relationship with another person and even potentially have
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: sex with them as long as we're on the same page. Um,
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: now that I know that all the stuff that was
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: frankly terrifying me about it before, again, I'm still like,
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of untangling and all this conversation with myself,
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: which yes, I do talk to myself of a lot
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: during the bang. It's a sometimes I talk to myself
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: in front of other people. Still, I love masks because
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: that's grocery stores. I'm talking to myself the entire time.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: And I figured that out when I was like, why what,
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: Because I like the sensation of filling that mask closer
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: up when you're talking to yourself. And I was like, oh,
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: I'm really glad I'm wearing a mask. And this may
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: be another reason why I will always wear masks from
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: now on, because I have gotten into the habit of
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: talking to myself in public. Yeah. Yeah, And I was
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: holing fair Thanksgiving. I was talking to myself in front
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: of my mom and brother and they'd be like, what
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: are you talking to us? I'm like, oh, no, just me.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: This is a miscommunication between my partner and I often
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: where I'm whispering to myself and he's getting mad think
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to have a conversation with him. And I'm like,
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: I'm talking to myself. Let me be me and myself
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: need a conversation. So yes, I am talking to myself
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: out loud about some of these things. And yeah, we
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: have been talking about some of this conversation recently with
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: with our book club, on deb com and on ace
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: where you know, if if I didn't ever want to
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: have sex again ever, then that's fine too. So it
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: would have to be something that I wanted was okay with,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: and that is that's hard for me as someone who
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: has always convinced people are one annoyance away from realizing
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: that I'm not worth keeping around and tossing me out
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: of their life. So that these are just very preliminary
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: thoughts that I'm having because I do have a lot
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: of work to do, a lot of work to do.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: And also, yeah, the feelings that I should have sex
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: and I should want to have sex, so I'm going
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: to have that work on that. And then yeah, the
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: panth that I were talking like to you and why probably,
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: but I think that I might have some kind of
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: sexual dysfunction because I actually have a lot of pain,
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: like every time I've tried to have sex or even
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: like inserting tampons. I have a lot of pain and
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: it could be trauma. I don't know, but there's something
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: there too. But I do think that maybe I could
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: work in a threattle which is also called a triad
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: are closed triad or a relationship which is a combination
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: of the word couple and three with truple. I always
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: felt it differently, but there are a couple of spellings
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: that are accepted. But yeah. Essentially, it refers to a
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: three way relationship, and it differs from a threesome, which
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: is exclusively sexual. There are romantic and or emotional connections.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: It is also not the same as an open relationship.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: It involves three consenting adults who agree to be in
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: a relationship with each other. A thrupple can be closed
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: or open. If it's open, members of the relationship can
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: pursue sex with people outside the thrupple if they desire.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: And this is all all very bare bones. UM, I
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: would like to return and talk about it or in
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: debt later. Um. There are a few main ways a
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: trouble can come together. A pre existing couple decides to
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: actively seek out a third member. A pre existing couple
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: find someone organically. Are three people come together simultaneously. Experts
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: stressed the key to making a threatle work, especially for couples,
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: considering it is a healthy relationship with excellent communication. Um,
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: if you're seeking out a third person because your relationship
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: is struggling, that is not so great. That's not gonna
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: that's not gonna be good for anybody. Both members must
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: be equally enthusiastic about it and share a similar vision
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: about how it will look, while also allowing for the
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: needs and wants of the third person. Also to be
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: aware of couple privilege and advantage and hierarchies that can happen. Technically,
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: you're trying to manage four relationships, the people and then
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: the group relationship at large. So it's a lot of communication,
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: very very important. While the term trouble for just appeared
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: as early as nine and other related terms like manage
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: as far before then, it was popularized. It was featured
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: in a story on the Cold Beart Poor. Other notable
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: instances are a twenty seventeen episode of RuPaul's Drag Race,
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: Netflix show Insatiable, and Netflix show Tiger King. But these
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: are just a few examples. Outside of pop culture. UM
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: A gaze Repple in California made history by listing three
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: dads on a birth certificate in seventeen. So while like,
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: I think I could do this, I will admit there
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: are several aspects that make me nervous about it. The
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: stereotypical knee jerk reaction that it's just men wanting more
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: women in sex. I know it's not true. I know
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: it's not always realised, and it's a stereotype, but I
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: have that. I don't. I'm not somebody who typically gets jealous, um,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: but I am insecure and I know that, and so
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: I like those insecurities. Again, of like, I think it
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: would be hard for me not to get my head
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: about being not the preferred partner, not the better partner,
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: all those things that are not healthy, and we will
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: not work in this situation. And while a throuble does
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: require a lot of communication, it's not um necessarily easy.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: They are definitely benefits to it. And I read a
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: lot of couples and throubles writing about it and all
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: of the benefits they got from it, and it was
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: really nice. So it's just something I've been I've been
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: curious about and thinking on and imagining how that could,
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: how that could look, but I like thinking about these
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: new ways relationships can appear again. I might not ever
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: want one. I'm just kind of like interesting, Yeah, I
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: think your fan fiction may bring new ideas for you.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it does. It does, and you know, like it's
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: so funny because I'm so obviously so ridiccent about things
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: because I don't normally read romance and and I don't
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: normally read especially like sexual, but so many of the
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: stories have that have romance and sexual relationships have the
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: thing that I actually do like, which is emotional caring
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: for each other. So a lot of times I get
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: like in that story even though it's not what I want,
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: and then I'm fine with it. But it's just it's
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: funny to me how often I'll be like, I never
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: read romance, And then if you look at all the
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: stories I've read, they're probably romance, but it's like not,
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: it's I like that emotional caring out what can be
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: very romantic. But because of that, through that, because of
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: the pandemic, and you know, I've just had to, I
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: well had to. I've read stories I normally wouldn't have
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: read and things I would have been like never, I'll
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: never read this Thriple and then I'm like, oh, I
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: like the Thriple. They're negotiating and they're talking it out.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: I like, this is how they're having these deep conversations. Um,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: So I think you're right, Samantha. I think you're absolutely
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: and it is okay. Yes, um World. Cheers to you, Cheers,
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: Cheers to you listeners. As always, if you have any
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: topics that you think we should tackle, we would love
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: to hear from you. You can emails that stuff media
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: mom Stuff at I heart meat dot com. You can
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast or Instagram
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: at stuff I Never Told You. Thanks as always to
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: our super producer Christina, thank you and thanks to you
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: for listening. Stuff I Never Told These production of I
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: Heart Radio. For more podcast on my heart Radio is
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: the heart radio app, Apple podcast or where you listen
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: to your favorite shows