Latest / Iridescent: The Grief Podcast / The heart-wrenching truth about pet euthanasia that everyone ignores
Transcript
- Courtney: If you're someone who's constantly asking yourself, what if I had done something differently? What if I had gotten one more opinion, one more test? What if we had only looked into this? Then today's episode is for you. Because if you're anything like me, I know that the weeks, the months after putting my soul cat down, I did that constantly. I even asked the veterinarian that came here when he was euthanized for an opinion, for like a a third opinion while she was already here. And it was very clear that he was in distress and it was very clear that I made the right decision. And it was still something I struggled with so much. And this is something that is echoed throughout my career. And the answer has evolved significantly. Since I first started working in animal hospitals. And then it was especially tough because I didn't have the knowledge to really understand the grief they were feeling. And that's not something that is taught to you as a technician, as a receptionist, as someone working in the animal field, they don't really teach you about that. You pretty much Just follow the examples that the veterinarians are showing you, and just kind of roll with it. There were times where we were performing euthanasias at like 7:30 in the morning, y'all. Like it was rough. And folks would look at you and be like, What did I do the right thing? Did I did I do this too soon? And it's tough because Sometimes you just don't know. Sometimes you are doing the best you can with the information you have at that very moment. And even when you have like a fatal diagnosis or something that's deeply troubling, like a behavior, people always ask it. People always ask, was it too soon? And it's just, it's a tough thing because it could have been a day or two too soon. Sure, but at what cost? What if, you know, it was a day or two earlier than their worst day ever? But now it's something emergent. It's something gruesome. It's something that nightmares are made out of. And you have to live with doing it too late. So there's a happy medium between too late, too soon, and only you know the answer to that. And I really want to start with that is you know the answer deep, deep down in your soul. And sometimes we just need to talk to the right people to really see to see it through. And I also want to name something that I've talked with clients about. And it's when I had a client that talked to their veterinarian, And kind of didn't give them a yes, it's time. And I want to talk about that real quick because it can be unethical for a veterinarian to say, yes, you should do this. There's times where it's not unethical, and there's times where it is. And it's because they have to keep a certain bias about things. They have to understand that in your grief, And they deal with this day in and day out. The repercussions of saying, Yes, this is the right call, and then someone changing their mind afterward and saying, Well, they they pushed me to do it. They said it was the right thing to do. That can just, gosh, that can tear you apart as a veterinarian, as someone who said, Yeah, it's time, or even a technician. So you have to be really careful about the wording. And I I wanna say that because Just because your veterinarian isn't saying, Yes, you should do this, a lot of times we're not able to read between the lines when they're telling you things. For example, when I brought my cat to the emergency room, I wanted to run every single test. I wanted to do everything and the veterinarian, it was it was an expensive blood test because I'm at an overnight ER I said I want to do the blood work, and she said, I really don't recommend doing blood work. After seeing his x-rays, I don't think that there's gonna be anything in there that is going to change the outcome. And she was right. Nothing changed the outcome. And it actually made it feel a lot worse because his blood work wasn't terrible. It wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen. It didn't indicate that the rest of his or organs were failing. It was just his lungs. That was tough because that was a decision I made and a decision I had to live with financially and that I had to pay for years after it. I recently just paid it off. So I This isn't a black and white decision, most of the time. And I do want to also say too that we have this image in our head of what a quote unquote good death. looks like. If I could count, I can count all the times that an animal would die peacefully at home, like someone wanted, and then the guardians would bring in their bodies to be cremated. I can count on two hands the times I've seen that in my career of being able to choose that, having it be the ethical thing where they do just pass it home and it's something Painless, but a lot of times it's not. A lot of times we're waiting for that moment to happen, that good death. And then we have things that just start deteriorating, things that bring our quality of life way down, or even something emergent. There's things just change so quickly, especially with debilitating injuries and illnesses, but also with elder animals too. So it's just something to think about that it's Don't necessarily wait for that. I want them to pass it home. I want it to be painless. Most of the time, passing at home isn't painless. Most of the time. It's it's just not. A lot of times there's a lot of suffering that leads up to that. But it's so individual. It's so individual. And that's gonna be echoed throughout this entire episode. And it's echoed throughout my work. There's no such thing as the perfect, the perfect way for them to pass. And no matter what happens, even if it is the good way, the quote unquote good way, you're going to have regret. Regret is 100% normal. And it's it's natural to barter our way out of that feeling of saying, up, I'd only done this blood test, if I'd only gone for another opinion. And sometimes that answer is just. Compassion for a being when they cannot tell you that they have tapped out. It's listening to their body. It's when they stop eating and appetite stimulants aren't working, and you're trying all these things and you're doing all the tests and you've done ultrasounds and you've you've done the things, you're doing your due diligence as their guardian. And sometimes it's just time. They're just not able to tell you with their words, hey, it's time. So it's something to consider. Especially when you're scrolling on Reddit at 2 a.m. Hi, hello. I've been there. And not for nothing, these things happened also way after it's happened. I think it was even so Armin died in the summer of 2025. I think it was even like this, like earlier this summer, I was like Googling about different like lung issues and cancers and fungal infections, and I was like, What what am I doing? What as if something I read is going to be like to bring light on something. And it's like I there's no other decision I can make. There's no other choice. And if love were enough to prevent the end from happening, it never would happen. It's just this really ugly reality that a lot of us can't bear to face. Think about it. You adopt a cat or a dog, and you know. Deep deep down that you're going to outlive them. Think like think about that. And yet we're still so uncomfortable with even talking about it, with thinking about it, or even like announcing that it's happened, or announcing that we're struggling with it, and being able to like tell people, Hey, I'm really struggling with this. I never thought this would happen. Think about it. That's that's wild that we don't prepare ourselves for this transition. We think that if we love them enough that it'll never happen, or if we just don't think about it happening, that it's not something that we're gonna have to deal with. Wild. So if the love were enough to prevent it, it would. And I see that in clients' charts, especially with the question of what if I had done something differently. There's times where you're able to see, and in a client's chart recently, they felt like they did it too soon. It was right after getting a major diagnosis, they started to decline. And they chose euthanasia, which after going into their diagnosis and their symptoms. As a previous technician, I agreed. I said that's the decision I would have made. And not that, not that the one I choose is the right one, but sometimes when you have someone that's familiar with these sort of things, it helps to hear a different perspective. Someone that's not in the hospital, you don't feel like they're pushing you a certain way or trying to kind of bring light to a situation. And we looked at her chart and we looked at her animals chart. And it was very clear that if she did not do it that day, that in about like four days time, there was a really gnarly transit that was hitting her astrological chart and her animal companion's astrological chart, It was a Mars transit, a Saturn tran and it was like a natal Mars return with Saturn, Jupiter, and it was like it was just wild. And I remember just looking at it and I was like, this would have been different in four days' time. You would have been looking at a way different scenario of where you would have come home. And it would have been like that of what fuels nightmares. It would have been not being able to have that moment of saying goodbye. You likely might have come home to them already, already moved on in a really gruesome. Way. And sometimes the best decision is not one that we love. It's not something that we're looking forward to. It took me, it took me spending a lot of money and waiting with my cat and oxygen chamber and that didn't work. And we tried other therapies and it didn't work and it was it was his breathing. It just it wasn't a decision I wanted to make, but what other choice did I have? So it's being able to have compassion for yourself too and them. But knowing that you are doing the best you can with the information that you have. And that it's not something to really be ashamed of. Talk about it with people. Talk to your friends about it. think about that. To think that you are responsible for all of that is such a sacred act. Being able to notice that they're not eating, being able to notice and being able to help them. If you are so concerned with if you had done something differently, you probably care about them a lot. So I wanna check in with that feeling. Let me know what you're struggling with with the if I would have done something differently. Is there a certain phrase that's coming up? Do you feel yourself Ruminating on Reddit and going down rabbit holes even after it's already happened and there's nothing you can do. Because we've all been there. And it's nothing to be ashamed of. And it's something that I want more of us to talk about. Because there just there is no such thing as the perfect death. Every once in a while folks get it. But it's it's so few and far between. And I love that folks get to experience that where it's it's the right time or it happens the way that they would hoped without pain, with ease, with compassion, with grace. But a lot of the times it's not. So the folks that have experienced it, I love it. I think that that's beautiful to get to witness that. But don't hold that expectation. And that's something that I even say in my grief guide, because I have an anticipatory grief guide. It's 15 pages. It's free. And in there, I mean I even mention, hey, this is a plan. This is how you want their euthanasia to go. But you also need to know that sometimes emergencies happen. Sometimes things happen while you're out of town. Sometimes things happen at three in the morning. I always feel like it's in the middle of the night and we're rushing to the animal hospital. But also to have a different plan. That is like setting the mood and having dim lighting and having certain herbs and crystals are important to you. Have them around so you can throw them in a bag and run to the hospital. Have have there be some some leniency of okay, this is happening a different way. Have a plan A, B, C, and D. There's nothing wrong with that. So check in with yourself. If you're struggling with the what if I had done something differently, bartering is a stage of grief. And here we're not necessarily right now going to go through the five stages of grief. But it's something to keep in mind. The bartering, the the if I would have done A, then B wouldn't have happened. And there's some times where I still even struggle with that. We're not perfect. There's times where I still think, I still look at his x-rays and try to figure them out and compare them from years and years. And then all of a sudden I'm looking at four years of x-rays and I go, What? What are you doing? know that it's not just you. And if you feel like it is just you, take a look at my Instagram. There's a lot of folks on there that feel the same way you do. So I hope this helped. Just to bring a little light into that icky little creepy feeling that just sneaks its way in and makes you feel guilt and shame about something that doesn't deserve it. Because remember, you are doing the best you can with the information that you have at that given moment. And there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe you would do things differently with your next animal. That's okay. It's okay. To want to do things differently in the future. But don't let it, don't let it eat you apart. Feel it, acknowledge it, and move forward with it. You don't necessarily have to leave it behind. But if you want to do something differently moving forward, that's okay. You're able to do that. Trust that you know the best decision for you. For your animal companion, always act out of love and compassion and true guardianship over them, and always acting in their best interest. And I promise you, you will make the right choice if you are centering them as a whole being, as someone who has autonomy over themselves. They're showing you different subtle signs, pain in their eyes, their ears, their body language, being able to. To s see them, to really see them, you will not make the wrong choice if you are seeing them. They'll tell you. Sometimes we just have to really slow down and listen. So if you have any questions, my DMs are always open. Always send me an email. And know that if this question is looming over you and heavy on your heart, there's a lot of folks that feel this. It's just something that isn't talked about in society yet, but one day we'll get there. You have questions, you know where to find me. We'll talk soon. Bye.