Latest / The Steve & Jeff Show / S2 E46 - Faux Jerry Resurfaces

Transcript

S2 E46 - Faux Jerry Resurfaces · The Steve & Jeff Show

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Steven Jeff Show, the funniest podcast ever.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Hey people, I don't write the words, I just read them.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steve and Jeff Show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you listen to podcasts, write us a review while you're there too.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_03: And now, here's Steve and Jeff.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks, Johnny, and hey Jeff.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_03: It is great to be back in the studio, isn't it?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_03: It seems like we're just here.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_03: So much fun being here, you know?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_03: How's it going, Steve?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_03: Of course, last week that great litany of show ideas.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my goodness, so many great show ideas.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_03: I just gotta think we've got years and years of great podcasts ahead of us.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_02: It won't be too long before it's Halloween.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know if you remember, Steve, you used to live in Chicago at one time.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_02: They used to have at the Joliet, the old Joliet prison, the one that's closed.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they do Halloween tours, they do scary Halloween stuff.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, every day is a little bit like Halloween over there.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_03: So when it comes to real Halloween, oh, they do it up.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_02: We have a a number of people in the penitentiary that we know.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_02: And I was wondering if they take volunteers and have them scare little kids.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: You know, they they like stand behind the the corners of the penitentiary because I think my dad, who is it?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: Dr.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: Reinerstein is there now, and then my faux dad are there.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: I actually thought they would be gone by now.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_03: We have an inordinate number of people who are connected somehow to this show that are in Stateville and Joliet.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_03: Most people don't personally know three prisoners in Stateville, right?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and I think and we've talked before, Steve, about doing an on a live show at Statesville.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think we should definitely do that, especially now since it looks like the people that we know are gonna be there a while longer since they all failed their parole hearings.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: Oh gosh.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, again.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my gosh.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but good news is I think the judge was feeling, or it's not a judge, I guess.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know, is it a panel of people?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's like a parole board and panel decides.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_02: According to what I heard from my dad, is that they actually granted them the opportunity to bring in things to entertain them since they're gonna be there a while longer.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: And for the three of them, I thought it was interesting.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_02: So I was asking my dad, like what did everybody ask for, you know, to help pass the time.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: Beginning with my dad, he said that he wanted paint materials because I guess my dad is starting to uh do painting, and he actually, yeah, he actually wanted to be sort of the grandma Moses of jail or of artistic prison.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: Wow, Jerry the artist.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm a little concerned that he's like wants to paint grandmas because that and he doesn't want to paint our grandma because she's always naked, so that would be yeah.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_03: Well, that's probably the one that wants to paint her.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, he probably literally wants to paint her, not the painting of her, he wants to paint her.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_02: He does, I think so.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: And then Dr.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_02: Reinerstein, who, as you recall, performed surgery on my nose, put my new nose on me, yeah, and was arrested for malpractice and some other CD things.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_02: So he is relatively new to the prison, but he did not get paroled either.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_02: And he asked for a couple decks of cards.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_02: And I think what he was thinking was that you know, he's he's a poker guy, so you know, he gets a deck of cards and he can play some poker or solitaire or gin.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: He just likes games, and you could kind of tell that from the enthusiasm when he was doing my nose.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_03: Well, and he always he always says surgery is a gamble, right?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_03: And so that's right was your clue that hey, he knows about gambling.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: And then my faux dad, foat Jerry, was asked what he wants, and he asked for a couple boxes of tampons.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's totally a little confusing to me.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know, he got his his his tampons, and I know that my dad asked him, you know, why do you want tampons?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: And faux dad said, Well, according to the box on the of tampons, I can do horseback riding or swimming or roller skating with these tampons, those are activities that are that are great.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_03: So I think that's why he well that chose that, and that's probably not something he can do on the usual Stateville schedule, you know.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_02: No, but now he's got the box of tampons.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_03: But now he's got the box, and the box says, Look, I can roller skate, I can swim.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_03: It's like a get out of jail free card, no pun intended.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_03: That's like a permission slip, if you will.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: You know, a get out of jail free card that doesn't work.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_03: It says get out of jail free, but you will not get out of jail and it won't be free, and you still won't get out.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: But other than that, yeah, so yeah, right.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_02: I just wanted to bring that up, but then I realize not a lot of people know who these characters, I mean, unless you listen to every one of our shows, you may not know.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: For example, you may not know Dr.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_02: Reinerstein, and that's why we did a couple updated shows where we, you know, kind of highlighted him.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think we've done much with my dad, but Fo Jerry is an interesting character.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_03: Um, he really is, you know, and he was so convincing as your dad.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: And of course, now now he's dad of my little sister.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: So the dad I always wanted.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_03: He's the dad you always wanted.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_03: You know, Jeff, you make a good point.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_03: I think that show was so long ago, and we've highlighted Dr.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_03: Reinerstein recently, we haven't gone back to the real faux Jerry.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_03: We've talked about him, but we haven't shown the real faux jerry or veto or whatever you want to be called, right?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_03: But maybe we should just play that show, and then people can understand what he's really all about.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_02: Well, and not only that, Steve, but he's gonna be in prison for a while.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, and listening to the show kind of brings back good memories.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_02: And exactly.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_02: I want to hear his voice again.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_02: I think this would make total sense.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: Do you think we should play some?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_03: I think he should add to the box of tampons.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_03: You can bicycle, roller skate, swim, and listen to podcasts.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_03: I do should be on the box, just so people know.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_03: And it'd be promotion for it'd be promotion for us.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_03: I really hope they do put it on the box because it'd be a nice promotion.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_03: But I think people need to hear from Faux Jerry.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_03: Johnny, play that faux jerry show.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_03: Had a little trouble coming into the studio, you know, the exterminator put all that stuff out, the email that he was talking about.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_03: And I, you know, I stepped into one of the glue traps.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_03: Luckily, it wasn't it wasn't one that snapped, you know, one of those.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_03: That would have been really bad.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: But I can't the glue trap is like those things really cling.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_03: And I've I've kind of still got it on my shoe.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_03: I'm I've tried to get it off here during the show, but I digress.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: But other than that, it's been great.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_03: You know how sometimes people remember something different than the way it is.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I think they call that the um the mandolin effect, I think they call it.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_03: And and but anyway, they the Mandolin Bay effect.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_03: Mandolin Mandolin Bay effect, yes.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think I've heard of it.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_03: The reason I bring that up is there was an article talking about podcasts, the development of podcasts and which podcasts were the best, and it remembered wrong.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_03: It didn't mention us.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_03: And I said, Well, well, that's a perfect example of the mandolin effect, the Mandolin Bay effect.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_03: They're remembering something that didn't happen.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: And I, you know, it's another example of trusting the media.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_02: Should never trust the media because they tell you what, you know, they tell you what's popular, whatever hidden agenda they have.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_02: They, you know, they rarely tell the truth.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm not surprised, Steve.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_02: But it is uh interesting though, because we are the number one podcast ever in the history of all podcasts.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, we are better than the original pod that started the whole podcasting.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: We are.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: I haven't looked at our traffic lately, but it was somewhere in the area of five trillion viewers.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I would I was like I don't know how you get left out of any article when you're at that level.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_03: Funny you should mention that because I was on Google Diuretics a little bit earlier and I I looked and our numbers are way up.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'm still running the bathroom.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: That's just crazy.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: But but I hate that uh our numbers were way up.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_03: I was looking at this just a little bit ago, just right before the show here.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, and speaking of the show, Jeff, you are gonna love tonight's guest.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: Now he couldn't be here live, he's calling in, so I can't tap the glass.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_03: They don't want me to tap the glass anyway.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: It's like, what?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_03: Come on, come on, that's so much fun.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_03: I like doing that, but anyway, he wasn't able to come in, but he is calling in and he's on a pretty good line.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_03: So we we we tested it out, Jeff.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: You're not gonna believe it.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_03: You know who we've got in the studio tonight?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_03: Well, not in on the phone.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_03: Is it your dad?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_03: You are so close, Jeff.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: Because you know, last of course, last time we had my mom on, right?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_03: You know who we've got on this show?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_03: You're half right, it's a dad, but it's not mine, it's mine, your dad is on the show with us tonight.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: Jerry, Jerry's on the show, Jerry.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome, people.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: How are you, Jerry?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Steve, Jeff.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness, Jeff, Jeffrey, Jeffrey, my young boy.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: How are you?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: He's sounds like he's doing great.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, why would anybody think he was dead?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Listen to that voice, my gosh.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you what, I thought I was dead for a while there too.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: I got in a fight with an alligator down here in Florida.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, you gotta watch those, yeah.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_03: At Disney World, I bet, right?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I bet it was.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm I'm in a state of shock right now.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_02: Um, Dad, first of all, I'm surprised that you're able to call in.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I mean, I don't think you're you're really up to speed on all the technology.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: What was it uh the last time I saw you?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_02: You're like, what is this thing called?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_02: This garage door opener, and how does it work?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_02: And so are we uh does it open it up side?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_02: You know, and you were really confused.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: So, so my first question, Dad, is is anybody over there helping you set this thing up?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: Because they did a good job.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_02: You're here.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_03: It is a pretty good technical setup, Jeff.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I had a rotary phone long before a garage door opener, and I have been using it for years.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: I remember those rotary phones that we used to have a Kiwanis phone, actually, where I was because we had different clubs and all, but yeah, I remember those.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_03: So, yeah, so you did this all yourself.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I've been listening in to you guys.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: I uh I miss hearing my boy's voice there.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: And uh my gosh, after after that run in with the gator, I knew I just had to reach out.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: Kind of humbles you, kind of puts you on pace with what's important, right?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'm I'm speechless, you know.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_02: I am so happy, you know.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: Uh it's just another gift, you know, the gift of where I thought you were dead for 20 years, and then turns out you weren't dead, and now I didn't think that you were capable of doing much except be in Florida or whatever.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_02: But now you're here with us on this podcast.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: I am just so blessed.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_02: I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear your voice again and to be on our show.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_02: Hey Jerry, you know how are things in Florida?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, is it pretty hot down there?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Hot.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, it is so hot and damp in Florida.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: We are hoping to be hit by a hurricane just to cool off.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my gosh, hot and damp.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, speaking of hot and damp, is mom still alive?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_02: Because I I haven't spoken to her for a while either.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, your mother, she she did leave me after I got in that fight with that young college student, the gator.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_02: You know, he plays for the gators.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, oh, it was a it wasn't a gator, it was a gator.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, oh, I okay, as opposed to like a seminal, right?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, okay.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_03: I know I think I follow this.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, very cool.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_02: Dad, just for the audience to a little background, my father, Jerry.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_02: This is a again, so many questions I want to ask you that I probably should have asked you growing up.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_02: So you're Jerry, J E R R Y, but I saw when I thought you were dead, I saw your birth certificate, and it's Gerald with a G.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know if I've ever known anyone spell their names differently on their formal name and their regular name.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_02: Is there a reason for that?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, oh, damn.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_03: So if he's dead again, if he's dead again, Steve.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_03: Oh wow.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: He died.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_03: Oh no, no, wait, wait, I hear rumbling.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_03: I hear rumbling.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: I've got rats, and one of them chewed through the telephone cord.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: I got the electrical tape real quick.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, see, if you were in the studio here, I could give you this glue board and you'd take care of that rat.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: Boy, that rat is stay put.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_03: Let me tell you, my shoe is like I'm gonna have to wear this, I'm gonna have to learn to walk with this glue board.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_03: So you're you're good now.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: The rats are rats are gone.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_02: Rats are I kicked it with my shoe, and my foot was in the shoe.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, well, that should that should do it.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if you have listened to the shows, but we had my mom on last time.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_03: And see, my mom is thinking about leaving my dad.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_03: And so we're thinking if you're available, Jerry, it might it might be fun.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_03: Just we'll introduce you to and we'll we'll just kind of see what happens.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_03: Would you be able to say come up north for a visit?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_03: I would love to join you in the colder climate.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_03: If we do it early enough, it won't be too cold.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, maybe we'll do it with get together in the Chicago area somewhere, and we'll, you know, we'll we'll just kind of see what happens, you know.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_03: I think that'd be fun.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_03: Jeff might be like stepbrothers, right?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_02: I wow, I know.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: And plus, dad, I know how much you you like young women.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_02: What do you call them?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_02: I there's tail, is that the term that you use?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_03: It's a weird I think that's a Florida term.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_03: It's like is that a Florida term?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_03: Is that like gator tail?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_02: Gator tail, yeah, gator tail, yeah.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_02: But uh, there's a lot of really hot women both in Omaha and in Chicago.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, either place, we could probably set up uh an interview session there.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_02: And when I say interview, dad, I think you know what I'm talking about.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, Jeffy Jeff, you're always looking out for me.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, no, and and and just to clarify, when Jeff's talking about young women, it would be a little misleading to tell you that my mom is a young woman.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, she's still quite good looking, but she's you know, I wouldn't call her young, you know, you know, but she's probably a little younger than you, Jerry, maybe about or about the same age, maybe I don't know, not older, probably.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_02: Steve, I've seen your pictures online, and if you got any looks from her, I'm in.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, in general, my rule of thumb is that any woman, no matter what they look like, if she's naked, is is good looking.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_02: So I think your mom is looking.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_03: Well, oh oh well, I you know, I do too.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_03: Wait, what did I just admit to?
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_03: Wait, no, oh, you know, you know, you know, I I I I may have to go back and edit some of this.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm looking forward to it.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_02: Really am.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_02: Really am.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_02: Hey dad.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_02: So how's the house?
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_02: I haven't been to Florida for a while.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_02: Um, uh so mom's gone.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_02: And so are you in the house by yourself now?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_02: I am.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: The uh the uh the the the ranch that I live in down there, uh with the uh the the the the gray siding, it's uh and and the bathroom is is just off the it's great.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_02: I'm loving it.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_03: Well yeah, he's got he's got a siding and a bathroom.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_03: I mean that sounds like a beautiful place.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_03: Sounds beautiful, but uh dad, that's that's not our house.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_02: That's uh uh you have a two-story.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, we I I've been there a million times and it was a two-story.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_02: Is did you did you move?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_02: How long have you been in this other house?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_02: I uh I you know I got rid of the second story.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: Is uh just thought the roof is so far away.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_03: Well, and and that's probably better sense in hurricanes because then the roof can't blow off, it's it's already gone, right?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_02: Is is our dog how's how's uh what is her name again?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_02: I I I you know I'm having a a brain cramp.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry, her her name is Trixie.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_02: Trixie.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_02: I have brought Trixie up to you, Steven.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you for remembering.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I thought you thought I heard about uh some dog named Trixie.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_03: Wait, was that you?
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_03: That wasn't you, Jeff, was it?
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_02: No, I think Trixie.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_02: I may have referred to a Trixie, but no, I don't think that's it.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_03: Wasn't your actual dog though, yeah.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, that dad, uh it wasn't Trixie, I think it was um uh Laurel.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_02: I think she's a golden.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_02: So yeah, and Laurel's right here.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, that's that that doesn't sound like Laurel.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_03: It sounds like you sounding like well, you know what, you know, they say when people live with animals for a long time, they start to look alike.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe they maybe they start to sound alike too, you know?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_03: They got the same voice.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_03: Very pretty.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_03: That that maybe we should maybe should introduce her to my mom.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_02: And so, dad, you're are you are you working now?
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_02: I know you're geez, you must be close to a hundred years old.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_02: What do you what are you doing to keep busy?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_02: I have been sweeping uh hair at the the barber shop down on the corner.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_02: Wait, really?
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_02: Do people still do that?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_02: I don't even know if they even have like hair on for barber shops.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_02: That that doesn't sound like you, dad.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_02: Sweeping hair.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: Well, that's that's that's a change of pace for Jerry, I think, isn't it?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, for a guy who didn't have any hair himself, that is kind of weird, unless you're gonna sweep it up and glue it onto your head, which is a potential business venture that Steve we should talk about someday, and maybe we could have an advertiser.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we could get a supply of hair from the barber shop and we could glue it onto heads.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_03: And I think Jerry could supply it for us.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, we could call it Jerry curl.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: Wait, let's take it.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_03: Wait, we could call it Jerry's hair, we could call it here's Jerry.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_03: Oh no, wait, wait.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_03: I well, we'll we'll come over the name.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_03: I digress, but anyway, anyway.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to interrupt this father-son reunion here.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_03: This is this is beautiful.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: This is what this show is all about.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_03: This is the family, this is the core, this is the values, this is the basics that we're all about.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_03: All right, all right.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_02: After all of those words, and as a person that hates to admit he had has a great set of hair, I uh I'm not actually Jerry.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_02: What not?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_02: Well, yeah, you're Gerald, right?
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_02: You're Gerald, right?
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I get it.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I want to have yeah, it's this whole societal pressure thing, you know.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_03: I understand dad.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_03: Who cares really, right?
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_02: I mean I don't care what you call yourself dad, you know, I still love you.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm I'm beginning to love you too, Jeff, but I am not your father.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_03: Well, you you suspected that for a long time, Jeff.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_03: You said I don't think it's really my dad.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_02: Well, and I I thought for a second for a while there, I thought that that 23andMe were was just wrong, you know.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_02: But so, dad, in my mind, you're still my dad because I mean you raised me, whether you know, biologically you're my father or not.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_02: I really don't think that matters.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_02: You're still my father, and that's what I love about you.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_02: So don't worry about that.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_02: Your secret is safe with me about you not being my biological father, but uh it's okay, dad.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_02: Don't worry about it.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, god dang.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm I am beginning to love you, Jeff.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: I need you to refer to me as veto uh, and uh, and I also need some help getting out of this joint.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_03: Well, well, Jeff, I don't think this is your dad.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_03: I think you know, I think this is veto sangrini.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_02: The veto sangrini that wrote us, the wrote us email you and Joliat, you're you're statesville now, right?
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_02: I would say here in the flesh, but I'm still on the phone.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, oh man, wow.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_03: Now now, vito.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_03: I just want to make sure that you're the one I remember.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_03: You you lived in Rogers Park, right?
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: That's me, Sen High School.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yep, okay.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I know this guy.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, yeah.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, hey Jeff, you better be careful.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_03: I remember this guy.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_02: You know, though, Steve, it's kind of uh I I'm conflicted.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_02: On one hand, I was I really wanted to talk to my father, and I I felt that vito was my father.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_02: On the other hand, vito, you sound pretty damn good.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_02: If you wanted to be my father, I'd be honored.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my goodness, I am such a huge fan of you guys.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_02: They actually let us listen to the podcasts in the pen.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_02: And yeah, that's nice.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, we got a lot of fans there, yeah.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, great.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_03: So, so I think in some ways, Steve, I've gained a father.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_03: Well, and Jeff, you know, uh Jerry, just one question because I you know, I could I could easily join Jeff's fandom and declare that you are for all practical purposes, his new father.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_03: But but just one question, Jerry.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_03: When we were kids, we were like 16.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_03: I'd sometimes go over to Jeff's house.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_03: Jeff wasn't home.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_03: His dad, if his dad was home, Jerry say, Yeah, come on in anyway.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_03: And he he let me drink scotch.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_03: We'd sit around drinking scotch.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_03: Would if if we were together, would you would you give me a scotch?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_02: If you're bringing it, I'd let you have some.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_03: That's good enough for me.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_03: You're in, veto.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_02: And it sounds like vito, you know, he's attracted to the the feminine side of of the world, you know, the tail looking for tail, like my dad was.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_02: And in some ways, I think it's a little weird to be out looking for women with your father, but vito doesn't have to be my father when we go out looking for women, right?
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_02: So we're just friends.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_02: He's a 90-year-old, 80-year-old, whatever you are.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_02: How old are you, Vito?
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_02: I am 75.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_02: 75.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_02: Young, yeah.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_03: He'd be a young dad for us, he'd be a little young, but hey, you know, Jeff.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_02: I just have to ask, please don't tell people you have two dads.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, oh, you can't say that in Florida.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_03: No, no, no, no, no.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_03: You cannot say that.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry, I'm surprised.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: Well, he's not in Florida.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_03: I was just saying, I'm surprised they let you get away with that.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_03: But you're in Statesville.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_03: You say anything in Statesville.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_02: And and and there may be times, Dad.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_02: Can I call you Dad?
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_02: Please.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_02: It's comforting now.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_02: So there may be times when we're gonna have to kind of, you know, there are I have relatives, I have friends who uh they they met my father, but probably don't remember him exactly.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_02: And I'd like to just kind of introduce you as my father.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_02: You know, there's a couple things about my father that I I think he probably would work out well.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_02: He had a very large penis.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_02: Uh so if we are ever in a situation where, you know, like we're in a swimming pool or you know, in a sauna or whatever, are you pretty well equipped, Dad?
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_02: Because that, you know, that would be a dead giveaway if you know if you didn't have a big penis, too.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I've got very few shortcomings, but I do know a guy at a butcher shop, so I can find filler.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_02: Ah, okay.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_02: Good.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_02: Well, this has become just a wonderful day.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, Vito, I I don't think, or maybe I'll just call you Jerry.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_03: Why not?
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_03: You know, Jerry, don't worry about that.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_03: My mom will be upset you're in Statesville because you know, my mom, one of the reasons she's leaving my dad is she never knows where he is, and she'll always know where you are.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_03: It's perfect.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_03: I think this really could work out.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_02: Something about that, boys.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_02: I uh I'm getting out soon and uh kind of tough out there finding a job for convicts.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, you could probably work for us.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, the the letter that you sent us, the email, it was that was you, right?
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_02: Vito asked uh telling us that you wanted to work with us.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_02: Um well, you have proven yourself, Steve.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, oh yeah, he's at a home run.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yes.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_03: He said he could provide guests, and he did.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_03: He provided your dad as a guest.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, that's one of the best job interviews I've ever seen.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_03: I think vito or Jerry, I think you're hired.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_03: I think you can start working immediately.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_03: Stupendus, yeah.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, let us know who we can get for next week.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_03: But yeah, I think you're I think you're good.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_03: I think come right aboard.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_03: Now we we we don't have any money.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I wanna I want to sleep in the studio, that'd be very wonderful.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_02: I don't need pay.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_03: Eccentric Ladyland Studios here, they might object, but I've hey not like I haven't done it.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, you know, yeah, I think you could get away with it.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_03: I just really nobody's around here, nobody much cares, really.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_02: So, yeah, and I think you'd be very comfortable here.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_02: I know that Joliet probably has a very large rodent infestation, and we have that in our studio, Steve.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_02: We have all kinds of vermin running around, Jerry, veto, dad.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_02: I think that you would feel very comfortable sleeping on the floor next to the the glue traps and the cages.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_03: You got to be careful when you roll over, don't hit that glue trap because it'll it will stay with you.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_03: I wonder if I stepped on a glue trap that there was a little rodent in, because it's like the traps kind of moving on my shoe now.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_03: It's like I I'm not sure what this is.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_02: And if you roll over on your back, may have some back hair.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_02: Those glue traps can be really painful.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_03: Sure, you're wearing a nylon suit, you know, full-body nylon suit.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, completely.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_02: Always so this has turned out to be just the best, maybe the best day of my life, and I owe it all to you.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_02: And we're here, Jerry.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_03: We're here to share that with you.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't that beautiful, Jerry?
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_03: Vito, dad.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_03: So glad I could be your father.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_03: Wonderful.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_03: Well, and you know, we're we're just about to get kicked out of eccentric Ladyland Studios here, but I am just so excited about this reunion and a possible union with my mom.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_03: So we'll all be related.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't that I don't know, hillbilly or something, but we'll all be related.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_03: But it's a family show.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, Steve, you and I have always said it's all about family and prisoners.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_03: Well, Jeff, that was great to hear from good old Faux Jerry slash veto slash the dad you really wanted, never had.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_03: Really wanted.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_02: It was great, Steve.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I I I I think I gotta go for Halloween.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_02: I think I have to head over there and you know, maybe he'll pop out and scare me for good old times.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_02: Uh I I I just really miss him.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_03: You know, Jeff, as we have talked in earlier shows, it was really tough to get any communication with the warden over Stateville.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_03: And yeah, we couldn't bring anything in, certainly, but it sounds like sounds like you've solved that problem if you were able to bring these gifts in.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_03: So if we can bring things into Stateville, I I'd just like to see, especially Faux Jerry, really all of them, but we've given some gifts to the others, and I'd like to see Faux Jerry get something.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_03: Wouldn't wouldn't it wouldn't that make sense?
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_03: Isn't that fair, Jeff?
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_03: I agree.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_03: So, Johnny, what do we have for Faux Jerry?
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: Right, Steve?
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: Jeff's faux dad will captivate his fellow inmates with the new clinically tested Stateville playset.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: This beautiful yet technically accurate miniature rendering of the Stateville Correctional Facility made of pharmaceutically treated plastic will amaze you for hours as you and your cellmates hallucinate escape after escape.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: The Stateville Playset from ProfitCon, a private prison subsidiary of Appropriation Station.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: And you and one lucky guest will receive free tickets to the Gator Bowl.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: No, not that college football playoff, but the Family Fun Center, the Gator Bowl, where you can throw strike after strike with live gators who chow down the chicken-sented bins like they were minced.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: Choose from a wide variety of live lizards.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, finger hole drilling is extra.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: The Gator Bowl, a place where the sunshine state hides in the shadows.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, a year's supply of the revolutionary scalp restorative Here's Jerry's Hair.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: Just rub it on, and you'll see hair growth in places you've never had hair before.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, it also works in reverse and can remove hair effortlessly.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: A product that once you start, you'll be stuck using forever.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: Here's Jerry's hair, new from Pharmafree.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: This has been a Pito Production in association with Alias Media.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Stephen Jeff Show wherever you listen to the podcast.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: This is Johnny speaking.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think Steve's mom is interested in meeting Vito anymore.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm all the inmates she needs.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, we'll probably commit some new felonies tonight.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: I've got my riot gear ready.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: Good night.