Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Episode 26: Signs You've Fallen Into the Mind-Reading Trap

Transcript

Episode 26: Signs You've Fallen Into the Mind-Reading Trap · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Lucky and Love Podcast.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Carrie.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a former college professor and a professionally certified life and relationship coach.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I help couples fix what's broken, rebuild connection, and frankly, figure out what it is they want for the future of their relationships.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to help you too by sharing with you insights and tools that you can use to improve your own relationship.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's jump in.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Hey everyone, so glad that you are with me today.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Before I jump in, um, I'm all delighted because I just had pancakes.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I have been craving pancakes, and you guys, I am totally into like health and nutrition and stuff like that.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't eat a lot of refined carbohydrates, I don't eat very much sugar.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: And oh my god, like the craving for pancakes was overwhelming.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I've I gave in, I made myself coconut flour pancakes.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: So if you um are interested in low carb, low sugar type of eating, then go check out.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: I found it this morning totally randomly when I was Googling it, um, wellplated.com.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: The pancake recipe only had six ingredients, and I had all of the ingredients in my pantry and in my refrigerator.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: The pancakes did not look super pretty, but they were very, very tasty.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: So go check it out if this is something that you're interested in.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so what I actually came here to talk to you about, or at least to bring to your attention, is something that I see happening in a lot of relationships.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And most people don't even realize that they're doing it.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it's very likely that you might be doing it too without realizing it.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: I call it the mind reading trap.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now we all know that your partner, your spouse cannot read your mind.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but yet we fall into this trap without even realizing it.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this is how the mind reading trap works.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: You want something, you want more closeness, more support, more help around the house, more thoughtfulness on vacation, more thoughtfulness in general, whatever it is.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: But you want it without having to ask for it.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then when your partner doesn't give it to you, you feel let down, disappointed, hurt, frustrated, maybe, maybe even you're angry.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then you start making it mean all kinds of things that it doesn't actually mean.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that is the trap.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: It feels crappy for you, and it can really cause a lot of problems down the road in your relationship.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, most people don't even realize um that they're doing this.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, I knew I was going to be talking about this, so I've been reflecting on this a lot.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I really think that a lot of us have been taught to believe that if our partner really knew us and really loved us, that they would just know, right?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: They would just know what we need.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: They would just know uh what to do to make us feel special, they would just know when we're overwhelmed and could use some help, and they would just automatically jump in without us having to say anything.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is that's expecting them to read your mind.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it's unrealistic and it's unfair to both them and yourself and your relationship.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we also do this thing where we tell ourselves that if we have to ask, it somehow doesn't count or it means less.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And you guys, frankly, that's just not true.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think it's incredibly meaningful when you tell your partner what matters to you.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's even more meaningful when you tell them what matters to you and they listen and they remember and they respond.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, uh back in the day when my husband and I were dating, I literally said, look, when we're like my birthday was coming up or something, and I said, When in doubt, get me flowers.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I love flowers.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you can see right here, those of you on YouTube, you can see my flowers, tattoos on my arm.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: All of my tattoos have flowers um in them somehow.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so he does, he remembered.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And every single time he brings me home flowers, I'm A, surprised and B, absolutely delighted.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it makes my day, and I keep those flowers alive as long as I possibly can.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I did not expect him just to know that about me.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I just told him and then left it to him what he wanted to do with that information.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: So in today's episode, I'm going to share with you um three signs that you might be falling into this trap and then what you can do about it.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'm gonna say that these signs might actually surprise you.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the first one.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: You say things like, never mind, forget it.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter anyway.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: It really, no, it doesn't matter.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or you should have known.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or, well, I shouldn't have had to tell you that.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: So, first of all, let's be real.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: When you say, never mind, it doesn't matter, it almost always matters.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: So that's just a lie right there.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: But what all of these phrases usually signal is that you wanted your partner to notice something, or for them to care about something, or to understand how you're feeling without you actually having to explain it or say it out loud.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you were hoping that they would pick up on your mood and ask you what's going on.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, maybe you wanted them to notice that you were overwhelmed and then just automatically jump in to help you.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you wanted them to respond a certain way to something that you share.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And when they didn't, until you said something or called them out, then it kind of felt like they missed the moment and now it doesn't count, right?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: All of these are signs that you have indeed fallen into the mind reading trap.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: You have an unspoken expectation that is left unmet, and then you feel let down, disappointed, or whatever it is that you feel.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Sign number two is you hold in how you're feeling, hoping that your partner will notice.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Raise your hand if you have ever done this.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I know I have.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: So you stay quiet, not because you're fine, but because you want to see if they're gonna notice that something's off.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you're testing them.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, ultimately, that is what you're doing.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: You are testing them.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you wait to see how long it's gonna take for them to pick up on your mood.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then when they don't say anything, you're like, wow, shit, they didn't even notice.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or you keep something important to yourself, hoping that they're gonna bring it up first.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then when they don't, you tell yourself, well, clearly they don't care.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Clearly they're not paying attention.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: This actually came up in a session that I had with a couple, one of my favorite couples actually last night.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: And we were doing this like communication building um activity exercise thing.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And she shared that when she's upset, she often just keeps it to herself, but she secretly um hopes that he notices and will ask her about it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing: like he definitely notices, he like straight up told us, yeah, I know something's wrong, but I just don't know what to say.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm afraid if I say anything, then I'm going to make it worse.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just don't say anything at all.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so what's happening here?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: She stays silent, waiting for him to say something.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: He stays silent, trying not to mess it up.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of that connection that she really wants, an acknowledgement that she really wants, there's just some unspoken tension.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: These kind of emotional tests come from a very human place.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So please, if you are recognizing that you're doing this, I don't want you to feel bad.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's a very normal thing to do.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: It comes from a deep desire to feel seen, understood, and prioritized.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but here's the thing: most of the time, one of two things is happening.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Either they notice it and they don't know what to do, they don't want to make it worse, just like, you know, my client, or they don't notice it.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like they just miss the cues because maybe they had a bad day, maybe they're stressed out, maybe they're thinking about something else, or maybe they're just kind of checked out right now.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so it doesn't mean that they don't love you or they don't care.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: It is not a reflection of how they feel about you.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: What I would actually say, it's a great reminder that you need to communicate to them what is going on.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, sign number three is that you want your partner to respond to something that you've done or said in a certain way.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then you feel disappointed or let down when they don't, or maybe even upset or mad.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually think this is probably the sneakiest one.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's the sneakiest one because the first two, you know what you're doing on some level.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: This one, I think it's harder for us to be aware about it.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: But hopefully now that we're talking about it, you will be more aware about it.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens is you finally open up about something that has been on your mind or something that's bothering you, or you share something very vulnerable, and you have this idea in your head, like this little script of how you want them to respond.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like there is definitely in your mind a right way and a wrong way to respond to whatever it is that you've just shared.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then when they don't respond the way you were hoping for, you get upset, right?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: So this feels kind of vague.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to give you a couple examples.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: So one example is you share something, you want, say, like reassurance, and they instead they problem solve for you.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the example.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: You come home from a rough day at work and you sit down and you're like, dang, you know, I'm really starting to wonder if I'm even good at my job.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just cannot seem to keep up lately.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm just really struggling.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And what you want your partner to do is reassure you, babe, you're so amazing at what you do.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's really a rough time, but I believe in you, you got this.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like that, that's what you want.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: But instead, they respond with something like, Well, maybe you need to start setting better boundaries with your boss.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever considered like time blocking your schedule?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it's well-meaning, but you were not asking for solutions.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: You were hoping for reassurance, but you didn't tell them that.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: You just told them that you were struggling.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Here's another example.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: You um need some kind of comfort, and instead they get defensive.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you might say something like, Feel kind of ignored, you know, tonight at dinner when you were on your phone the whole time.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, it just doesn't really feel very good to me.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And what you're hoping they will say is, I'm so sorry.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: I did not mean to make you feel like that.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me what I missed.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I I'll put my phone down, tell me again.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's what you're hoping they're going to do.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: But instead, they say, What are you talking about?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was just answering a few quick messages.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't do anything wrong.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so now you're hurt and then you shut down.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: You were looking for emotional connection or reassurance, but their defensiveness just made you feel worse.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: So that is the trap where you have a very clear emotional desire or need, but it wasn't clearly communicated or wasn't communicated at all.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you were hoping for a very specific kind of response, but you didn't tell your partner what kind of response you really wanted or were actually looking for, which can also, by the way, be a little bit of a test.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where so many couples um get stuck.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: One person is asking for connection uh with, or I'm sorry, is like wanting connection without um asking for it, and the other person is unaware, and so their response is the opposite of what was initially desired.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so now we have all these negative feelings and all this tension, and one of you is upset and the other one is walking on eggshells.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but here's the thing, you guys, this is so fixable.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like once you notice that you're doing this, and once you start naming or expressing what it is you want, need, or hope for, it's going to completely change the dynamic in your relationship.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of like staying quiet and holding things inside, you want to just be very direct and tell them what it is that you want or you need.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: The more direct you can be, the better.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm feeling really upset right now.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Can you just listen while I vent?
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to guess.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like you've literally told them what you need.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: My birthday is coming up.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'd really like it if we could do something.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make them guess.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm having a really shitty day.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: I could just use a hug.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Could you give me a hug?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm feeling like a failure at work right now.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: I could really use some encouragement.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is so much more meaningful and better for your relationship than keeping all of that stuff inside and then being being disappointed when they don't respond or react the way that you want them to.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Here's another suggestion: normalize asking instead of testing.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: It is not weak.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: It is not unromantic to ask for what it is that you need.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: I actually think it's mature.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: It is a sign of maturity when you can do that.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'd really love a hug right now.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Would you be willing to help me with the dishes tonight?
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: I feel stressed out.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Can we talk?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: I just need to be heard.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Ask them, be direct, and don't test them.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: So if you do recognize that you have fallen into the mind reading trap, what I also suggest is that you bring it up once you notice it.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: So you can say something like, hey, I realized that I earlier when we were talking, what I really wanted was comfort from you.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess I just I kept that in my head.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't say it out loud.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's totally my bad.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Can I have a hug?
• 14:48
  unknown: Right?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're owning it.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Here's another example.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: When I told you about work, I kind of felt brushed off.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Can we try that conversation again?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: So you bring it to the to their attention that you recognize that you were expecting them to be a mind reader.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like asking for a do-over.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Do-overs are fantastic in relationships because what they do is it help builds trust and growth instead of disappointment, frustration, and resentment.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I have a challenge for you, you guys.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: What is one thing that you've been hoping that your partner would just like magically pick up on without actually like having to tell them?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: What is that one thing?
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Figure it out.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then go and have a quick conversation and let them in on what it is, on what it is you want or you need or you're hoping for.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: And also, next time you catch yourself thinking something like, well, they should know I shouldn't have to tell them.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Take a breath and actually say it out loud.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Verbalize it to them.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: This will help your relationship more than you all can even imagine right now.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: So that is what I have for you today.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that you tune in next week because we are going to be talking about five phrases to start saying for a stronger relationship.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Have a great day, everyone.