Latest / I Do, Part 2 / What Are Beige Flags?  And Why Anyone Dating Or In A Relationship Should Pay Attention To Them!

Transcript

What Are Beige Flags?  And Why Anyone Dating Or In A Relationship Should Pay Attention To Them! · I Do, Part 2

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey there, folks. It is Saturday, September the 12th, and sure,
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: we all know what red flags are in a relationship. Hell,
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: we even learned recently what a green flag is. I
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: don't know what a beige flag is. And with that,
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: welcome to this Relationship Saturday episode of Amy and TJ,
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: where we often all learn this together. Rose has brought
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: something to me now, once again. I'm not familiar with,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: but there's a red flag, there's a green flag and
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: a beige flag.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Yes. Now people are talking about beige flags and they're
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: wondering what they should do with them, but we should
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: probably begin with describing what they are, right?
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: I don't really have a hint. Red means stop, green
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: means go. Beige, beige flag in a relationship. It's just
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: Okay, so they are described as the quirky, unusual, maybe
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: even boring traits that you notice in someone, and you
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: don't know if they're good or they're bad. And unlike
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: red flags, which signal danger, like you pointed out, like abort, abort,
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: or green flags, which tell you this is a good mate,
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: go for it, these don't necessarily tell you they're a
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: great partner, but... They tell you that you should get
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: curious and ask yourself what they make you feel. Can
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: I give you some examples of what some beige flags
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: might be?
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I definitely want, but it's not good or bad. You're
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: supposed to determine if it's good or bad. I don't
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: know if I understand it yet.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: So first of all, they were described as, this is
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: just a moment where you need, everyone's hyper and overanalyzing
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: everyone else. And look, I even hear this from Ava.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: We had a conversation, she's going on dates and she said,
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: I think I'm just too picky. I do think this
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: is part of the conversation where people start to assign value, worth,
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: or some sort of action that needs to be taken
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: based on everything someone else does. So we're overanalyzing each other.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: We're holding each other up to a standard that becomes
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: almost impossible to actually settle in on a partner, feel
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: comfortable with them, and embrace all their quirks.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: You make it sound to me like this is all in,
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: not the person we're dating, but in our own mind.
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: Correct.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, okay. Correct. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: And so this is kind of a moment where we've
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: got all the yellow flags, red flags, green flags, beige flags.
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: And I think the point is we all need to
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: calm down. That's part of this conversation. And the term
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: is caught on because people are getting burned out from
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: all the flag culture. That is where it is important
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: to put this beige flag concept in the perspective of
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: everybody is burned out from labeling everyone. Does that make sense?
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: I was about to raise my hand about flag culture.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: Correct.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: This idea that we don't know how to date anymore.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: We don't just know how to have basic human interaction,
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: and we almost have a sheet here we're supposed to check.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: This person is this or that, or they showed up
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: this way or that way. Wow, a flag culture. That's sad.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: Yes, and so the point of this is basically, here's
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: the headline, Stop Turning. Stop Turning. Every small habit you
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: see in someone else into a referendum on your relationship
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: or a referendum on even the possibility of a relationship.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: Okay. You said you had examples though. I need to
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: hear this.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: Yes. Yes.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: So here are some beige flag examples that they give.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: And we could actually, I actually, it made me think
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: of what ours is. are that we started to learn
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: about each other when we got into a relationship. But
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: some of them are, you just laughed. You know, when
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: you said to me, by the way, when we first
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: started dating, you said, wow, I hope all these quirky
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: little things that you do remain cute to me. Because
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: when they stop being cute, we might be in trouble.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: So when we first started dating, I thought that's like
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: a weekly saying I have for you.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: I just remember you saying that early on in our
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: romantic relationship because it's one thing to see it in
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: a friend. It's another thing to see it in a
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: romantic partner.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: That is true.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: So, okay, here are some of the beige flag examples
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: that they give. Talking to yourself. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: If someone talks.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: Yep. Just constantly talks to themselves. People might be like,
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: what the hell is that person doing? That would be
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: one of my beige flags.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: That might be red for me.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: I mean.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: Because that suggests, well, all kinds of things.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: Well, you ask me all the time, are you speaking
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: to me or are you just talking to yourself?
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: See, talking to yourself is different from just talking like
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: your thoughts out loud.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, that's what we're talking about.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: Well, some people talk to themselves. It's different, baby.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: Well, and I would go so far as to say
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: talking about yourself in third person. Now, that's a full-on
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: red flag for me.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: Okay, I do that often. Like, TJ, you idiot. I
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: do that a lot. You hear me do that often.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: You do, but you don't use it in a narcissistic way. Like,
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: TJ thinks that he's hungry.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: TJ's strong.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: Yes, we're not talking about that. All right, here's another one. Red,
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: beige flag examples. Excuse me. Keeping 40 tabs open on
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: their computer.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: Is that a beige flag?
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: It, it's a quirk and it can bother people. Sometimes
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: when people look, I've had people complain about the number
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: of messages, unread messages that people will see in their
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: partner's phone and how irritating that is to them. They
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: have like 5,000 unread messages. Yes. So that's a beige flag.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: Okay. Well, you just named two, two out of the three.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: I got them.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: Eating the same breakfast every morning.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: I do that too. Actually, I do mix it up. Sorry.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: Sometimes you do. Um, Quoting movie lines during serious conversations.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: That's all day long.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: So in my notes, I wrote, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, TJ.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: Not during a serious conversation.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: Oh, no. Sometimes you will, and I kind of take offense.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: You're like, babe, that was actually from a movie. And
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: then you will tell me who said it and what
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: movie it was in so I don't get further upset.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: That's only, oh, my goodness. Okay. Well, obviously, these are all,
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: I do every single one of these.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: Okay. Keeping a detailed spreadsheet ranking every restaurant they've visited.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: No. No, but you have it in your mind.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: I have what?
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: A spreadsheet of the service, the food, whether or not
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: we can go back.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: We go to five, please.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: That's true. That's true. Okay, here's one of my beige flags,
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: because you'll laugh when I say this one. Telling the
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: same five stories at every social gathering.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: Everybody does that. You know who's the worst at that?
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: Chuck.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: You've heard them now. You haven't even known them that long.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: You've heard the same stories.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: Oh, my God. All right. Refusing to use GPS because
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: they know a better way. Neither one of us do that.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: Okay, that's just a warning for every woman dating a man. Exactly.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: Whistling while they walk.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Really?
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that can be like, what? It seems strange. You
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: whistle around the house with a vibrato, which I actually
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: think is cute.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: But I often do that to Sue. to calm myself down,
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: to get a tune going. But if I'm out walking
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: and whistling, I made it in America. Who the hell
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: has time to just take a walk and start whistling? Nobody.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: All right. Owning an unusual amount of clothing in the
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: same color. Hmm.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: Hmm.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: And basically, it's defined solely as behaviors you notice and
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: find weird. I will tell you some of the things
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: I noticed about you when we first started dating that
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: I would absolutely describe as beige flags. Because I had
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: to say, wow, okay, this isn't something I'm used to.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: It's going to be Thanksgiving in here somewhere?
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: Well... I was going to go with your Die Hard obsession.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: That's what I mean. Thanksgiving.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: Yes. I thought that was what you were referencing.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Yes. I don't know why it was a big deal.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: That was a little strange to me. Ten months out
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: of the year, I never watch Die Hard.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: It remains strange to me.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: I do it.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: You want to tell the exact quirky habit you have?
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: Oh, my goodness. Starting on Thanksgiving Day, Die Hard.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Bruce Willis. 1988. That movie, which is obviously one of
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: my favorites. plays in the house where I am, no
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: matter where I am, 24-7 through January 1.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: And we leave the house, and one of the TVs
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: has to remain on with Die Hard on it. In fact,
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: you have a DVD player, right? And it just is
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: on a loop, and it just plays Die Hard. So
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: even if we turn off other TVs, you'll know at
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: least there's one TV dedicated to the Die Hard loop. Yes,
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: that is a beige flag.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: It's a bit when you're looking for something, but why
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: is that a beige flag? We all have our things.
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: Um, and then the TV on while you're sleeping. That's it.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it feels like a red flag, but it's a
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: beige flag. It's just, you need that to soothe yourself.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: And so I have learned to adapt.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: But you know, the funny thing, die hard. I always
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: thought you might mention the other thing. Uh, I always
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: have the iPad in the bathroom, usually archers on, right?
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: That's your other page. I have another. There's a couple things.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: You have quirks.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: But you know what, Rob? I did the, oh, He-Man.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: I had He-Man playing the other day, the old commercial.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: And I also have the DVD set of every single
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: He-Man cartoon that's ever been made. I have it. You
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: know what, Robes? You know this about me. It's the
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: cleaning thing, too. I don't eat for comfort when I'm
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: struggling like some people might do. I'm looking for comforts.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: He-Man makes me comfortable. Die Hard makes me comfortable. These
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: are things, really, they do, baby. It's the same, maybe,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: as you would compare to somebody who is struggling or
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: depressed or whatever, and they turn to food because it's
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: their emotion. Those are the things. You see me sometimes
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: put on Aladdin. When you see these things around the.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: House- I know you're not doing well.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: DJ is struggling.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: When I saw He-Man, I was like, oh, wow. He
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: is going back to his childhood binky at this point.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: He's not doing well. He needs to be comforted.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: Those things soothe me. I calm. I don't laugh.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: Out.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: I'm not yelling and screaming and all this. I soothe.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: So yes, maybe they're red flags.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: No, they're beige flags. Yeah, and it's just one of
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: those things. Everybody's got them. Everybody's got them. All right,
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: what are my beige flags? I was going to say,
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: is it wearing my red light mask? No.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: Well, I wouldn't... I don't know. I never put them
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: in that kind of category. A beige flag, a weird thing,
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: a quirky thing. Some of it's just cultural. Some of
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: it's your background. I never... I mean, things you do.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: I don't know if there's some quirky thing. You play
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: Candy Crush.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: Okay. So? I like to play Super Mario Brothers. We
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: have a game machine at that. I don't know. It's different.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: It's quirky. I never... Say, ooh, I better watch out
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: because I don't like that.
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: It's just a quirky, unusual behavior.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: But you said it means it needs to be put
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: through some kind of, you have to give it some
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: kind of scrutiny.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: It stands out and then you have to decide, wait,
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: is this gonna bother me enough where I'm gonna judge
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: this person by that behavior or stop a relationship because
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: of that behavior? And so, yes, I do like the
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: idea that this whole concept is being talked about and
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: being described because it should be an opportunity for us
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: to actually take a step back and say, yeah, we're
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: all unique human beings who have quirks. And this is
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: the big thing. I thought this was so interesting. Relationship
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: experts say, Think about how you regard someone's quirkiness, someone's
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: unusual behaviors, or someone who does something that you don't
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: understand or that you've never seen before. It tells us
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: less about the person we're observing and it tells us
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: more about our reaction to them. And so this should
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: be a signal to actually reflect about why you're feeling
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: the way we're feeling. So when we come back, we're
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: gonna tell you how you should treat, according to the experts,
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: beige flags in your relationship and how you can turn
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: those beige flags into into green flags. Welcome back, everyone,
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: to another edition of our Relationship Saturday. These are fun.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: We like having these conversations because you learn something, and
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: I think it's actually just fun to have these conversations
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: with the person you're dating or even just thinking about it,
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: reflecting on some of these topics as you're looking for
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: your person.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: I have a question. Can a beige flag, are we
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: looking at these things because we actually have a problem
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: with that person? We're questioning the relationship, not necessarily some
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: quirky behavior. Is that a part of this at all?
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: So relationship experts are saying that because of the way
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: we are dating now and the way we are in relationships,
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: I think with social media and all sorts of these
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: chat rooms and forums, Reddit. You can kind of crowdsource,
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: what should I think about this? And no one's actually
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: just doing some self-reflection and actually asking themselves, why does
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: this stand out to me? Why is this bothering me?
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: Or why is this sparking something in me? And so
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: they said, just remember, dating is not supposed to be,
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: or it's not supposed to feel like a background check.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: And it's become so focused on categorizing people. We label everyone,
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: we vet people. And we start to treat every single
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: quirk or maybe you even could call it a human
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: imperfection as evidence that, oh, they're not compatible with me.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: And it's almost like we're looking for an excuse to
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: get out of a relationship or to not even get
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: into one because it's scary and we have to be
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: vulnerable and we have to compromise and we have to
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: expand our heads and our hearts. And that is uncomfortable sometimes.
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: And so instead of being willing to do that, we
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: just say, oh, see, that means we're not compatible. Because
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: I would never do that. And that's so weird that
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: he or she is doing that. So I'm out or
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: I won't even start. And that is the caution here.
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: It makes sense. So they say a better question instead
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: of asking, like, why does he do that? Or why
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: is she behaving like that? You should actually ask yourself.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: how does this person consistently make me feel? Do I
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: feel safe? Do I feel seen? Do I feel valued?
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: That tells you way more about that person than whether
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: or not they have some weird collection of spoons in
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: their house, whatever it is that people do. People collect
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: strange things. I've had a friend who was dating a
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: guy who she was really kind of into. He brought
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: her over to her apartment, I'll tell you who it
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: is afterwards. And she saw he had, if this person's listening,
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: they will know who they are. He had like a,
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: and he was well off and had a great job,
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: but a wild collection of like race, like hot, hot cars.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: What are they called? Hot wheels. And he had them
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: like all over his apartment and like had them encased.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: And she was like, yeah, this is just too weird
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: for me.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: I'm out.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: Wow. She thought it made, it made him seem juvenile.
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: It made him seem like a little boy, and she
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: just was immediately turned off. Okay.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: Take the cars out of it. Did he act like
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: a little boy?
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: No. She didn't like that he was a weird collector
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: of Hot Wheels. No, no, no.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: He was a normal guy who collected Hot Wheels. I
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: look at that as, wow, he has a passion that
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: even in his older years, he's still holding on to
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: those think robes. I say that about you all the time.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: It's one of the best things about you is you
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: still act like a little kid at times and get
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: excited about things. You will see joy. And adults like that,
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: acting like kids, that's too bad. The Hot Wheels guy.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: I don't know. But I mean, maybe there were other
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: things and that was just the final straw. But when
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: she tells the story, it's funny. But yes, people love
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: telling the story of why they couldn't date someone or
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: why they got out of a relationship. But this is
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: the headline. And this is how therapists say, you start
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: to turn beige, first acknowledge their beige flags. They're not
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: affecting you. They don't mean this person's bad or undateable
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: or incompatible with you. It's just different than you. And
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: so Real relationships, remember, are built not by finding someone
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: who doesn't have strange habits. Every single person on the
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: planet has a strange habit to someone else. It might
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: not feel strange to you, but it's strange to everyone else.
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: And beige flags are actually What makes someone uniquely them?
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: And so if you can start to look at this person,
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: so I see the fact that you've got He-Man on
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: or Die Hard on, and instead of going, that's so weird. Like,
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: what is that? You could say, wow, that's so sweet
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: that he's connected to this part of his youth that
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: brings him a feeling of safety and comfort. And that's
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: super sweet. Like, I love that about him. That's unique
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: to him. And it's part of the reason why I
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: love him because it's a completer, fuller version of him
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: and some of his vulnerabilities. I think that's actually, and
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: if you can actually look at it from that vantage point,
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: and I think you've said that about some of my quirks,
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: like to, to, I hope I still keep thinking all
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: the little things you do are cute because, but if
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: that's how you can look at through that, like that
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: is what makes that person unique.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah. It's, I mean, I guess robe, some people find
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: out about these flags later. And is that the, no,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: you're talking about some people finding these early on while
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: they're dating.
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: And maybe when, maybe when you move in with someone,
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: you see, wow, they do their squats while they're brushing
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: their teeth. That's weird. But instead of saying that, they
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: say some of those things that seem strange or maybe
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: even mildly annoying at first, if you can actually view
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: them through the lens of, yes, this is what makes
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: them special, they say eventually those are the very things
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: 20 years down the road that you actually might find
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: most endearing about them. I love that. And sometimes so
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: much of relationships and so much of the world is
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: how we choose to see them. And we can change
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: how we view things. We can decide. to see them
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: through a different lens instead of one of annoyance. Think
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: about it like, wow, that's so cute or that's so
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: sweet or that's so special and no one else in
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: the world does that but them.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: It's hard to do when you're first meeting somebody, right?
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: It just is. You could pull out any weird habit
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: now and I'm like, oh, that's my girl. But when
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: you get to know somebody over time and you care
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: about that person over time and you know that person
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: is going to be in your life, then when things
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: start to show up, They're not deal breakers because you
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: have a foundation that you've established that this is a
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: good person and I care about them and we hit
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: it off. But yeah, at the beginning, these are just excuses.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: You always say, babe, nobody wants to, you're always trying
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: to protect yourself. You don't want to get hurt. So
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: let me bail and use this as an excuse before
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: that person finds out about my weird shit and dump me.
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: Exactly. And look, I love this final line. One of
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: the relationship experts said this, it's important to remember that
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: You are never going to love every single thing about
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: your partner. Period. And just accept that. And then lean
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: into the quirks.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: What was the rule? It was the 80-20 rule or
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: something for a little while. Like you can, they got 80%
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: of what you love and 20% of what you hate. Congratulations.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: Marry that person. I love that.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: So let your beige flag fly, everyone. And with that,
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: we always appreciate you listening to us. I'm Amy Robach
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: alongside TJ Holmes. We'll talk soon.