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299. Why The Word "Help" Is So Triggering For So Many Couples · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you have been married, you can find passion, happiness and romance at any stage of your life.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat-out fun.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and today's episode is why the word help is so triggering to married couples.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Probably more just to wives.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it's not triggering to husbands, is it?
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: I don't think so, Like if I was to say can I help you clean the garage?
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: You're not going to like freak out.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to be triggered.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: No.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: I'm going to be like, gonna be like, sure, yeah, that's awesome.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Actually, I'm usually the one that cleans the garage, but yeah, I.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I would say maybe more so.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: It's more so.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: Women have a issue with this word.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah that get triggered by this I think it's kind of well.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: I don't want to say it's funny because it's not funny to some people.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: It's absolutely not funny to some people.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: It's actually like very, very not funny to some people.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: So why do you think this word is so triggering?
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: I think for those that are in marriages where the husband makes her feel like it's her job, like something is her job like let me help you with dinner, let me help you with dinner, let me help you clean that, or let me it's I think it also comes down to like what you've been through in your marriage and if you're feeling overwhelmed and if your husband isn't like doesn't really do his part, I feel like that's where it can become triggering.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: So, so I've never really thought of this, but Amy and I were having this discussion the other night because we were, of course, going to be doing the podcast on this subject, and I, of course, go in the kitchen.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: I'm like, hey babe, what can I help you with?
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh man, totally just believe that I'm gonna not use the word help.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: I mean what, what?
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: can I do?
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: What can I?
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: what can I see?
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: That's the problem.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: A lot of people are free.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: A lot of these women that are on this like rampage right now about mental load, like like what do you even say to?
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: that so is.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: This, is this word triggering to you?
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: Like if I came in and said hey, babe, what can I help with while you're cooking, or something let me be honest with you usually.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: No, there were times in our marriage where I'm like, yeah, I can see why.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: I can see why because I literally felt like I was doing it all.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: So I think it depends on what your marriage is going through.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: And, yes, I do.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: I do feel like I've kind of been on both sides, so I think I can.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: I can say, yes, it can be a triggering word.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: And should it be?
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: No, it shouldn't be, because it just shows a sign of a deeper issue in your marriage.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: If the word help is triggering because marriage is really about helping each other in a lot of different ways right, it's about serving each other.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: Helping is serving like.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: When did helping become a negative word?
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: it shouldn't be a negative word and I can.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: I can honestly say I've never been triggered by this word help.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: If you came to me and said, hey, can I help you with this?
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: but yeah, sure you wouldn't be like oh my gosh, it's not my job, you're not helping me, it's half your job.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, no, most I'm thinking most men would not be triggered by this word.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: I think it's.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: I think it's a woman, a woman thing, it's a wife thing, it's okay, it's okay.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: And and those that are really are triggered, like I can understand that you're probably in a place where this is triggering and there's probably a deeper issue that maybe hopefully we'll touch on right, yeah, I agreed.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: Agreed, there's probably a deeper issue there's a deeper issue going on, so yes, okay, let's dive in nick, prepare this one, which is funny because I thought I'd be preparing this one and you've got a whole lot to say on it I don't actually, because I've never.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: I mean, this hasn't really happened to me.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: I haven't been triggered by the word help, so it I don't actually because I've never.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: I mean, this hasn't really happened to me.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: I haven't been triggered by the word help, so I I don't know good, that's so good, it's just funny.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Let's give it.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Let's give an example.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: So say a husband and wife are like, say, he works outside the home, and we know that everyone's situation is different disclaimer, right now, I'm not trying to offend anyone.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: Like we know, there's all situations.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: We have been in all the situations in our marriage, right, like I've been the supporter, I, we have worked together, I have been the stay-at-home mom, like we've done all that.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: Like equal amounts of time too, pretty much so we just tested out all aspects, uh, earlier on what?
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: What is going to work?
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: in our marriage that one definitely did not work.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: That one definitely kind of works like so what was I going with that?
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: uh, you were saying earlier, oh, just well, just like everyone's at.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: Everyone's situation is different.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: So say, a husband works outside the home and the wife stays home, this is gonna look different, completely different than a wife that works and the husband works.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Right, because that's where, like, the fair share needs to come in and be.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: Like you have, I, I'm being half of the provider.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: Like you, you have to take half of the mom.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't even say mom, I'm gonna get in trouble for saying that oh, you just totally botched that.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: You totally botched that I'm the mom, but there are mom duties.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna say it all day long, like, don't get, when you decide to be a mother, you are the nurturer, like the husbands are not the nurturers, like that.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: Well, some are, some are.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: The majority of husbands are the husbands and they have a different part.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: How do I say this?
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: about you.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: The majority of the husbands are husbands they have husband roles, sorry, husband rules sounded like kamala harris there.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: The majority of the husbands, oh my gosh please don't call me that um I'm just joking um, you know, you know where I'm going with that yeah, I know where you're going do you?
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: totally, you're throwing me off.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: I tried no, I'm, I'm being silent, I'm wait.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: I I am here to learn the wisdom because because you're a man and I'm a woman and you have no idea what we're thinking yeah, this podcast episode.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: I'm like I have no idea what we're talking about, but I do I do know what we're talking about.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: Nick's gonna bring in a serious side now no, I do know what we're talking about, but I I don't think most men have ever been maybe triggered by the word I don't think most men carry the mental load.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: I think you're right, and if they do?
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: if they do, if they're the kind of husbands that's, that's thinking about cleaning out the fridge and running the birthday parties, like, like running getting all the emails from the teachers and deep cleaning the house.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: If they're taking all that on on top of work, shout out to you, right.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: Shout out to you for taking a lot of that mental load, because that's I mean, there's things that pile up in a woman's mind that a man would never think of.
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: Most men would never think of well we've talked about in in a previous podcast episode.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: Like if you're, if you're reading a book title or whatever, like a woman's gonna think of all the little things in that, like every little detail, and a man's more of just like read the book title and tell me what the whole thing is right, like maybe that didn't make sense, but um, I think women really get into the details a lot of times and men just want to know the bottom line.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: Right, give me the bottom line, you're simple, simple.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: What you're trying to say there is that you're more simple minded and I'm not I'm not saying that's always a good thing or a bad thing I I think we just, we really do, just think.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: Let's give an example okay.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: So I see a lot of like memes or like social media posts where this is what a wife sees and she walks into the house and there's clutter and toys and the kitchen's a mess, and then this is what a husband sees and he's, and he sees a perfectly clean house, like he literally just sees things differently.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying that you're right or wrong yeah I'm just saying we, we see the dust, we see the dirty baseboards, we see the dust on the light bulbs and the ceiling fans.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: You're like, wait, the house is spotless just because the toys are put away, right like we see things differently.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: So a mental load for a mom is like I gotta deep clean this.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: I gotta deep clean this, the kitchen's a disaster like I, and then like, like I said below, like then we have all the emails we're getting from the kids, schools and teachers and that kind of stuff and birthday parties and the play dates and the there, and then who's gonna go grocery shopping, who's gonna plan all the dinners this week and so and so has this, but I have to make dinner by this time because so-and-so has this.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: You're right, we have so much on our mind all the time that you guys most likely never have thought about, or think about.
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: No, you're exactly right and I agree 100%, and I think most husbands and wives out there are feeling the same way.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: Right, you're exactly right.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: You have x-ray vision and you can see what's inside the walls.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: I mean, you can see everything and we as men are just noticing, like the, the common, like this needs to be done.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Now we can go make love, right?
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: there's a pair of socks hanging off the fan like, okay, that probably shouldn't be there, right?
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: yeah, which was never gonna happen yeah, exactly.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: So, um, yeah, and and we're like, yeah, let's go, let's go make love that the wife's like wait, I've got a checklist of 30 things to get done before we go make love.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: Or before I can even get there.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: And I think that's okay, that that's different, I agree.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: I think the fact that it is different.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: There's probably a lot of stuff that gets done that wouldn't get done if it was just a man handling it Agreed.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: But it handling it agreed.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: But it also maybe helps women like relax a little bit and say you know what?
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: maybe, maybe this isn't so important, right?
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: I 100 agree with you.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: I think we balance each other out so, but that's the whole.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Key is, we need to balance each other out and we don't always do that.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: That's where marriage comes in, like we have to learn and embrace each other's differences, right?
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: yeah, so you have.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: You have the husbands that are like hey, babe, just relax, take a chill pill, and you have the wife that's like we got to do this, this, this and this, and so, yeah, I think that's why the word help is a husband, a wife's more like I need to do this, this, this and this, and so the word help is oftentimes very triggering.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Yes, I think it becomes triggering.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: The word triggering kind of bothers some people, but it is what it is.
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: And that's a word that does describe it.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: It kind of does describe it, because if a word bothers you, then there's a deeper reason that it bothers you, right?
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: So if a husband walks in and can I help you clean up the kitchen, all of a sudden mentally they're thinking why?
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: Because it's my job oh, for sure right why?
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: because it's my job, like we were having this discussion the other night um oh sure yeah I we have a sunday okay, we have a sunday dinner with all of our extended, like extended family members, like there's like six to eight of us, sometimes 12, and the wives jump.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: They do most of the prep right, they make most of the dinner.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: The husband, I don't know.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: The husbands are pretty good to step in and help help.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: Whoops, I just used the word help we can't even get away from this either but I asked Nick that night.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: I'm like it's so annoying to me that like we get done with dinner and then the women jump up to clean up and the men just sit there and talk for an hour.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: And and I brought that up because something was bothering me, right, something was bothering me and I asked him.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: I said why do you guys just sit around and talk and allow the women to jump up and do everything, when we've been the one that mostly that prepares the meal?
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: And he's like that's a good question.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: I need to.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: I could do better in that area.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Like it's just it was just brought up very nicely and casually, like this kind of bothers me.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Why do you think this happens?
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: But but this is, this is where people can get bugged and it could cause problems with this is if the men were to jump up and say hey, can I help you clean up?
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Right there A man is implying it's the woman's job to clean up the meal.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: That's where it becomes triggering.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: Instead of saying, instead of helping you guys sit down.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: we're taking care of this Exactly.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: Instead of helping it should be doing.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: Just get up and doing.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: You guys sit down, it's our job tonight.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: But I think too, and so Amy and I had this discussion, and one of the things I said is well, you know, the women jumped up and were like hey, relax, sit down, talk.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: Like that can wait till later.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: We're having Like just chill out.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: Some of the women can't.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and some of the women can't.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: They're just like we got to get up and do this and I'm like, well then, that's on them Right.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: Like if they can't sit down and have a good conversation and chill and relax.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: When some of the women jump up to clean up, it makes all the women feel like they need to jump up and clean.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: And that's where men can the women are.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: The husbands are like we can do it in a minute, we can do it in a minute, we'll do it later.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: And the women automatically like the food's got to get put in the fridge now, so it doesn't go bad.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: You guys can't sit around for an hour and then let everything do you know what I mean.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: I didn't think of that you didn't even think of that.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: That's that's our differences and that's why you can see right there, that's like we think completely different.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: Well, we're having a nice talk on politics.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: We don't want to get up and clean right now, we'll do it in an hour, and the women are like the food's going to go bad.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: Different mindset doesn't need to be triggering, but becomes triggering to a lot of people, and so so, although I want to make light of this situation, like, oh my gosh, the word help shouldn't be triggering.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: It is for a lot of people and we really want to like okay, how do we, how do we help you fix this in your marriage?
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: Because help, like in our marriage, we have to be like okay, you do this, I'll do this, you're in charge of this.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: Like in our marriage we've gotten to a place where, on Saturdays, nick's Nick loves to go put his airpods in, go mow the lawn, go do the yard work, escape for an hour and I've just been like you know what he's enjoys.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: That that's what marriage is is if, if your spouse enjoys something, kind of let him do it.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: But there are moments where I get kind of bothered and I've told Nick this in a nice way like I get stuck dealing with the kids, making them do the housework, dealing with handing out chores to them.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: I gotta scrub and mop the floors while you gotta go, listen to your airpods and mow the lawn, which you love to do.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: I hate mopping floors for sure so this conversation comes in like, hey, how can we make this, instead of getting all mad and frustrated about it, like you just get to go outside and ignore all of us while we're doing all the crappy Cinderella work, right?
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: And he's never thought anything of it because he's like, oh, I'm doing my part, this is the man's job, the yard work.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: I'm like I grew up doing the yard work Like how is that the man's job, right?
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: So you can see where this can be kind of triggering after a while.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: But it can be the woman's fault because she didn't say anything.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: Like you said, it takes communication and serving each other.
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, for sure, and I think having a different mindset is so important too, like, instead of helping or saying, hey, how can I help you, it really should be just like what needs to get done and let's tackle this together.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: Together.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: Right, we're a team.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: Right, I'm not helping you, you're not helping me.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: Here's what we have that we need to get done, and what are you going to do?
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: And what am I going to do?
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: How do we tackle this together?
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: And I think, working together as a team, rather than like, oh, this is my responsibility, how can I help you with your responsibility?
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: Or vice versa.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: It's like, no, these things need to get done.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: How do we tackle these things together?
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: All right.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: So the big question becomes like how do we tackle these things together, right?
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: Rather than than it being I'm helping you, you know what?
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: What is the easiest way to tackle these things together?
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: And we've done some things that I think have really helped, don't you agree?
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: I mean, it doesn't mean it's perfect, but we still have our what have we done?
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: well, I, I think one of the things we've done is just created, like on Saturday, like here's the chore chart, here's what needs to get done, and we just kind of say I'll do this, this, this, this who does the chore chart?
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: Uh, you do the chore chart, but I help you with the chore chart, did you?
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: nice try.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: Um, I think we have to.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: Okay, as a wife, that's a husband.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: Okay, where do I start with this?
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to not side just with like the.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to be very like, not biased.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: Okay, like, I understand where men are coming from.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: I understand where women are whenever comes.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: So I don't want to be like you men can do better, like the women could do better too.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: But a lot of this is caused by the husband's like well, what do you want me to get the grocery store?
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: Give me a list.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Nick does that all the time.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: He's totally guilty of that.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: And I'm like well, why do I have to do all the meal planning?
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: Like that's literally what takes the stress.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: I can easily make a list, but someone's got to do the meal planning so I guess the biggest question is how do you come in and tackle these things together as a team?
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's the biggest thing, right like to where it doesn't feel like help.
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: It's like how do we, how do we do this together?
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: And one of the things we've done I I won't say it's perfect, but it's helped a lot is, on saturday we'll put together a chore chart and you're laughing.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: What well we'll?
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: we'll put together a chore chart.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: And you're laughing, what well?
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: Well, we'll put together a chore chart amy will put together a chore.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: Who?
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: Usually puts the chores on a list amy, let me, let me clarify that and edit this.
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: Amy will put together a short chart.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: We'll say, hey, here's what needs to get done, instead of I'm going to help you with this.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: It's like here's what we need to do and we pick what we're doing okay, um, I, I see how both sides can be like responsible for this becoming a problem.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: So I don't want to be like on the wife's side or like on the husband's side, like, but I see both sides.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: Okay, I just want everyone to know, but I see both sides.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: Okay, I just want everyone to know that, like, I see both sides.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: But this is exactly when we talk about like a mental load and helping, like affecting intimacy, and I know all the men are just like, just get to the point, how's this going to be better in my intimacy?
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: Like that's why the husbands are listening.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: Right, we're going to get there.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Okay, we will get there.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: But like the mental load that you don't see, that she does see.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: See, this is where it can become triggering is because a husband's like well, why don't you make a chore list and we'll divide it up?
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: That puts work on the wife that she doesn't really want or need to have.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: Like, will you please go make this list of everything that gets done?
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: Like no, why don't you make?
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: a list of everything that gets done.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: I'm going to defend the husbands because if we put together a chore chart, it's going to look a lot different.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: It's going to say let's make love, let's make love, let's clean the counters, let's make love on the counters.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: I mean, am I right?
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: Well, probably not three times.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: No, but it might have.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: Let's make love in there, but no, a chore chart for a man is going to look totally different than a woman.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: So it's going to well as a man.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: What is a chore chart for a man?
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: Let's just make this funny for a minute.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: As a man, I'm just going to say just tell me what needs to be done, and let's tackle it.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: Why don't you see what we like?
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Why, is that?
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: Why is that?
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: Because if I make a chore chart, you're going to say, well, you missed this, this, this and this and this.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: Okay, so it'd be real easy to say, hey, let's do it the right way, the first way, and you make the short chart, and then we're good.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: We're good to go, because a woman sees what's dirty and a husband can't see what's dirty.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: Well, like what needs to be done.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: Like a husband's like.
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: Oh, I see, like a few piles of laundry, but I would never have thought to put that on the list.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: Well, I think too, like a woman's urgency is this has to be dusted and it has to be done right now.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: And no, I'm not a very good duster, I would.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: I would disagree, well, I'm just saying like from a man's standpoint, like, yeah, that can wait, we don't have to do that right now it's not caked in dirt it's totally fine, I can't write in it yet I can still.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: I can still barely see in the bathroom mirror.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: It's good, oh my gosh I I know we're exaggerating but it could go both ways, because some men are cleaner than the women.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: So I we're not saying it has to be husband wife we're basically.
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: Basically, I'm saying is sometimes we see differently and it's a lot easier for a guy to just say just tell me what needs to be done okay, okay, let's tackle.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: Okay, let's move on from just the the house list.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: Nick is like I am happy to go to the grocery store for you.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: Why don't you give me a list of what we need to buy?
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: that's exactly what I do every single time and I'm like I I don't usually say this, but I can do better at this.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: I really appreciate you wanting to go.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: Here's a list, which is usually what I do, but I can do better at this.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: I really appreciate you wanting to go.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: Here's a list, which is usually what I do, but I've started lately to roll my eyes and I'm just like really, am I the only one that can plan any meals around here?
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: Why don't you make the list?
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: Why don't you tell me what you want to buy at the grocery?
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: store for this family, because we know what would happen.
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: If I made the list list, you'd be like really you bought this, really you bought this.
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: Well, never done, that's never happened.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: You know, that's never happened.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: Never happened, never happened.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: I know better.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: I just keep my mouth shut I'm like if he went to the store and he was nice enough to go to the store and he bought the wrong crap, that's on me right, right, we're having I'm pretty good at that.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: We're having cinnamon toast crunch for dinner no, we're not, no, not, no, we're not, it's only a dessert food.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: All right, we need to circle back to the podcast.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: We're getting totally off.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: No, this is totally on, totally on.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: What I'm trying to say is that sometimes the wife's like I really appreciate you wanting to take it on, but maybe you could actually take it on Instead of just being like what do you need me to do, or what do you need me to buy?
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe you can make the list and take charge and actually plan the meals for the week.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: Whoa, that is a turn on Talking about intimacy.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: Turn on so, when it comes to making love, instead of saying what can I do to help you get in the mood, You're just saying just take charge.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Some women really like that yeah.
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: Don't even ask.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: I just want you to just take charge, don't even ask if we can make love tonight.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: Just take charge, just take charge, don't even ask if we can make love tonight.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: Just take charge, just take charge.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: I think that women would a lot of women would disagree with that one.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: So, okay, okay, I'm siding with the husbands now.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: Okay, because I told you I see both sides.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: If you are going to give your husband a list and tell him what needs to be done because you were nice enough to make that list, yes, I get that.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: I'm just totally like redoing what I just said.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: But if you do make a list and he doesn't do it the way you want it done, I'm siding with the husband.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: That's not okay, that's okay.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: There's, there's multiple ways to do things.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: If you send him to, if he goes to the store to buy stuff and he buys the wrong stuff for the kids and you didn't.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: I got to lighten this one up a little bit.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: Have you ever seen the social media videos where the wife sends the husband to the store but instead of a list he has like a big printed out poster of what they look like, so he doesn't buy the wrong brand?
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, that takes way too much work, but the of it was is like I need you to buy this brand at this price.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: Don't buy the cheap brand.
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: I would be like buy the cheap brand.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: But if we're gonna be picky in what we need our spouses to quote help with, we can't be all like bossy and naggy about the way they do something, and that's where we have to get to this.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to help you.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: Let's switch our mindset to like I'm trying to be loving and serve you.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: Let's figure out, like you said, how to make this a teamwork.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: How can I do better at this?
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: How can I do better at this?
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: How can we have better conversations around this so that we're not arguing about?
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: this and you just hit the key you need.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: You need to talk about it, right, instead of just assuming and getting mad and getting triggered that hey sweetie, how can I help you?
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: I can't believe you said that, like right.
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: You need to have these conversations that talk about, talk about what needs to be done, talk about how to how you can work together as a team.
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: Um, you know, just know, just like we talked about on Saturday here's what needs to be done, how do we tackle this together?
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: And I really do think it's good to create like a chore system instead and and and just say here's what needs to be done.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: How do we tackle this together, rather than just assuming that this is the wife's responsibility or this is the husband's responsibility?
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: And and a lot of people are out there saying that's lame.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: We don't need to create a chore chart.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: You might, you don't have to.
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: Then if it's not causing a problem, then you don't need to worry about it.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but right, but I think it really can help.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: So so if the chore chart, grocery list, you doing the yard work, I'm doing the inside, if any of that kind of stuff is frustrating in your marriage, sit down and and be like, okay, we're going to start doing things different, like I'm trying to give a solution right here.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: Sit down and be like I'm not making the list.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: Let's make the list together.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: Let's look around what needs to be done.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: Well, this is usually what needs to be done.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: I mean, once you make a list, you can almost use it every single week, right, like once we come with the, the things that need to get done every single saturday, which ones I would really like to take these ones this saturday.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: Would you mind taking these ones this saturday and switching off so it feels a little more fair?
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: Right, yeah or oh, go ahead.
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: Well, the benefits of making a to-do list is you can put each other on the to-do list, and and then I did not see that coming I did not see that coming clean the house first and then you'll be less tired at night.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: So when the kids are in bed, then it doesn't feel like help.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: It doesn't feel like help.
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: You're tackling it together, right.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: Take some of the mental load off her.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of benefits.
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: Everything gets better.
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: Everything gets better.
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you kind of threw me off there with the to do part.
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: Sorry to do part sorry, but um teamwork, anyways teamwork you get the point, you get the point, you get the point why is the word help triggering?
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: let's figure it out.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: Let's dive deeper.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about it in our marriage which, without getting triggered once again, you're triggered by that.
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: Don't get triggered when you talk about it like you've got to dive deeper and be like why is this bothering me?
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: Is it because I'm not?
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: It's feeling very.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: It's usually because it's feeling very unfair in the marriage but I, as a wife, like some, there was one day where I was just like gosh, I have done everything today and then I step back and be like, okay, wait, maybe I'm just not noticing the things he'm doing, because a lot of women, like um, admit that they're not feeling noticed to or like appreciated.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: But like, is the husband feeling appreciated because maybe he's the one paying the bills, maybe he's the one running and making some payments, maybe he's running to the bank, maybe he's dealing with fixing something on the house that you don't see and he's running to lows, and I mean, there's a lot of things that husbands are probably doing that is a mental load on them.
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: They're just not as vocal about it.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think a lot of times you know what I mean yeah, and I'm not saying always, but I think a lot of times husbands just kind of put their heads down and just get things done, just do things, just get things done.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: And I think women do too.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: I just think that a lot of them inside are kind of fuming a little bit Like I'm like I think they're more guilty of scorekeeping, but like I noticed the days where I start feeling like that I start paying attention, Like he does a lot and I don't really seem appreciated, appreciative for those things, and I bet our mental load is more equal than we actually think if we actually sat down and talked about it.
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think you also brought up a great point.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: I think showing gratitude and appreciation, right, like looking for the good instead of maybe the bad.
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: And, um, you know, if your husband comes to you and says, hey, what can I help you with?
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: And he puts his arms around you Like he's very sincere, right, you know he's not trying to say that that's your responsibility or things like that.
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: So he's literally just wanting to help you.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: Like we got to get over that word right for sure if you want a great marriage.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: I think we got to like do better at.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: How can I help you?
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: Well, how can I help you?
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: say it back well, I think, getting out of the little things, like the all the little things that we read too much into, and focusing on the big things right at the end of the day does that really matter?
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: does?
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: it really matter that they said help or what have you so?
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: and maybe, maybe, like you just said, the little things, maybe there's something deeper that's even causing this.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: Maybe you're feeling lack of respect or lack of connection in other ways that are just making this area more triggering.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: For sure, because I think a lot of the ways that are just making this area more triggering For sure, because I think a lot of the women that are like super upset about the mental load and scorekeeping and stuff, there's usually something deeper.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: going on, yeah, agreed.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: Because it's usually in your mindset, like, if you can just flip your mind which is really hard to do if there's something deeper going on, if there's like resentment and stuff that you haven't gotten over, it's going to be hard to flip your mindset and just be like, okay, I'm going to be more positive in this area, it's going to be really hard to flip your mindset, right yeah, if you're thinking about that, right?
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: So Right.
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: Well, this podcast episode was brought to you by Ultimate Intimacy Products.
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: We really do have products that could transform your intimacy in and out of the bedroom.
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: You just have a big grin.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: I do Like really transform Really yeah.
• 28:44
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• 29:03
  Speaker 1: Actually, two big announcements hold it back okay hold it, I'm not gonna say yet, but stay tuned, because you're gonna love it yeah, well, now it's an upcoming podcast episode, so