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#341 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
0:05
Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
0:09
Speaker 2: wants answers now.
0:10
Speaker 1: And I think that we've become better parents because we've
0:12
Speaker 1: stopped sweating the small stuff and recognized that so much
0:15
Speaker 1: of what we used to sweat was small stuff.
0:17
Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
0:20
Speaker 2: and dad.
0:21
Speaker 1: Good Day. This is doctor Justin Colson. I'm the author
0:23
Speaker 1: of a bunch of books about how to make families happier.
0:27
Speaker 1: I just saw somebody walking past the door. It distracted me.
0:30
Speaker 1: I thought, there's someone in our yard that shouldn't be there.
0:33
Speaker 1: It was just the neighbor's kid, right, Yeah, he's just
0:35
Speaker 1: decided to let himself into our house. He's obviously looking
0:39
Speaker 1: for one of our kids to play with. Where were we?
0:42
Speaker 1: So I'm Justin. I've written six books about making families happier,
0:44
Speaker 1: and you're Kielie, mom to our six children. I was
0:47
Speaker 1: going to mention, we've got the kind of like this
0:50
Speaker 1: little tagline for a Happy Families memberships, because a happy
0:53
Speaker 1: family doesn't just happen. We're all about being really intentional
0:57
Speaker 1: in our families. And I've written these six books about
0:59
Speaker 1: raising happy family. One of our mutual friends a few
1:02
Speaker 1: years ago told me a great story. His name was
1:04
Speaker 1: Tim tim Baker. He lives in Sydney and you grew
1:07
Speaker 1: up with him, and he was with some friends they'd
1:12
Speaker 1: come over to visit one afternoon. They walked over the
1:15
Speaker 1: bookshelf and started looking at all of the books on
1:16
Speaker 1: his in his bookcase, as you do, like I find
1:20
Speaker 1: people's bookcases fascinating. You can tell so much about a
1:22
Speaker 1: person by what's in their bookshelf. And the person that
1:26
Speaker 1: was visiting his house turned around and said, you've got
1:29
Speaker 1: a lot of books about parenting. And he said, uh huh,
1:32
Speaker 1: and she said, I'm not quite sure why though, like
1:36
Speaker 1: you guys are great parents. That was the story. By
1:39
Speaker 1: parenting books that don't have to be mine, although I
1:41
Speaker 1: recommend them, but by parenting books, and it will help
1:44
Speaker 1: you to be a better parent. And then people can
1:45
Speaker 1: come over to your house and say, look at those
1:46
Speaker 1: parenting books. You're great parents. You don't need those books.
1:49
Speaker 1: And you can say if I'm a good parentist because
1:52
Speaker 1: of the stuff that.
1:53
Speaker 2: I wonder if they'd say that to doctors with all
1:55
Speaker 2: of their medical journals.
1:57
Speaker 1: On this show, you're so healthy, you don't need all
1:59
Speaker 1: these books about health.
2:01
Speaker 2: How did you become a doctor?
2:03
Speaker 1: Yeah? Funny that we actually had somebody jump onto Facebook
2:07
Speaker 1: and we're doing a webinar about how to make your
2:10
Speaker 1: family happy or something like that, and somebody jumped onto
2:12
Speaker 1: Facebook and said, if you need to go at a
2:13
Speaker 1: webinar to work out how to make a happy family,
2:15
Speaker 1: then you probably shouldn't have had kids. I was like, Uh, yeah, No,
2:20
Speaker 1: it takes intention. It's about being really seriously focused on
2:24
Speaker 1: what you're trying to do in your family. Because if
2:26
Speaker 1: you're not intellectually curious, if you're just passively living life,
2:32
Speaker 1: it's really hard to make things work out well. We
2:35
Speaker 1: need to be intentional and moving forward and trying to
2:38
Speaker 1: grow and develop. And that's what our Friday podcast is
2:40
Speaker 1: all about. On a Friday, we sit down together and
2:43
Speaker 1: we called this episode I'll do Better Tomorrow. The idea
2:47
Speaker 1: being we've made enough mistakes this week. Let's work out
2:50
Speaker 1: what we did wrong and try to be better tomorrow.
2:52
Speaker 1: Because the great thing about kids, they give you second chances.
2:55
Speaker 2: And third and fourth and twenty fifth.
2:58
Speaker 1: And one millionth chances. But here's the thing. I remember
3:01
Speaker 1: hearing a conference talk once and the speaker said, if
3:04
Speaker 1: you want to be good at the piano, you need
3:07
Speaker 1: to make a lot of mistakes. You will make a
3:10
Speaker 1: lot of mistakes, maybe even a million mistakes. But by
3:13
Speaker 1: making those mistakes, it means that you're sitting at the
3:15
Speaker 1: piano and you're practicing intentionally, and that deliberate practice is
3:18
Speaker 1: going to help you to get better. If you want
3:20
Speaker 1: to learn a language, you're going to make so many
3:24
Speaker 1: you'll probably make a million mistakes. But the fact that
3:26
Speaker 1: you're making a million mistakes learning that language means that
3:29
Speaker 1: you are deliberately intentionally learning the language.
3:33
Speaker 2: Well, you're immersed in it.
3:34
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, and that's how you get better. So we
3:37
Speaker 1: are immersing ourselves in our mistakes this week in our parenting,
3:41
Speaker 1: because I'll do better tomorrow is about how we can
3:43
Speaker 1: be immersed, how we can be more intentional, How we
3:45
Speaker 1: can be more reflective was the word that you used
3:48
Speaker 1: last Friday. How can be more reflective in our parenting
3:50
Speaker 1: so that we can be better at mums and Dad's.
3:53
Speaker 1: That was possibly the world's longest intro to any I'll
3:56
Speaker 1: do better tomorrow we've ever done. I'm blaming you often
3:58
Speaker 1: for both, I'm blaming you you me. Yeah, yep, unbelievable.
4:03
Speaker 2: Well, I want to hear what your story is for today.
4:05
Speaker 1: Okay, Well this is I'm not quite sure if i
4:08
Speaker 1: need to do better tomorrow or if I'm getting better
4:10
Speaker 1: as a parent. So I'm really interested in your feedback
4:14
Speaker 1: on this one. On the weekend just gone, one of
4:17
Speaker 1: the kids took the car without asking.
4:21
Speaker 2: Well, you know that you can. You can say whatever
4:24
Speaker 2: you like, but it's very obvious which kid it is.
4:27
Speaker 2: There's only one that has a license.
4:28
Speaker 1: No, no, no, We've got three kids with their licenses. Granted
4:31
Speaker 1: one of them has moved out, so it could have
4:33
Speaker 1: been one of the other two kids. It could have
4:35
Speaker 1: been the fourteen year old took the car without asking.
4:37
Speaker 1: You haven't told her to come on and tell us
4:41
Speaker 1: a story on the car and went. So one of
4:43
Speaker 1: the kids, who is allowed to legally drive.
4:46
Speaker 2: And will remain anonymous.
4:48
Speaker 1: Yeah, one of our two children, who well, she spoke
4:51
Speaker 1: about it in the morning, said hey, I want to
4:54
Speaker 1: go and do this this afternoon. And I pretty much said, yeah,
4:57
Speaker 1: it's not going to work because we've got stuff happening,
5:00
Speaker 1: and YadA, YadA, yadda, and she seemed okay with it.
5:04
Speaker 1: And then I don't know. About two o'clock in the afternoon,
5:06
Speaker 1: I was like, where's she gone? And she had literally.
5:09
Speaker 2: Just interestingly, I've gone down for a nap and I've
5:12
Speaker 2: left you in charge.
5:14
Speaker 1: Let's just put it out there really bad.
5:17
Speaker 2: I left you in charge. And when I woke up,
5:19
Speaker 2: I couldn't find this child, and I asked you where
5:22
Speaker 2: she was, and you said, oh, I don't know.
5:24
Speaker 1: And then somebody pointed out that the car was missing,
5:26
Speaker 1: and she had gone and done that thing that I
5:30
Speaker 1: said wouldn't work because we had stuff to do, and YadA, YadA, YadA.
5:33
Speaker 1: So she went. And then when she got home, just
5:36
Speaker 1: as we were putting dinner on the table, and our
5:38
Speaker 1: eldest had come over with her husband to share the meal.
5:42
Speaker 1: We had the roast dinner on the weekend.
5:44
Speaker 2: It didn't go down so well, did it.
5:46
Speaker 1: So this daughter walks into the house and everybody now
5:49
Speaker 1: knows that she's gone, and Chanelle is like, so, what
5:54
Speaker 1: are you going to do about it that? And I said, well,
5:57
Speaker 1: I'm just going to enjoy my dinner right now. I'll
5:59
Speaker 1: worry about it later. And she's like, if that was
6:01
Speaker 1: me four or five years ago, six years ago, whatever
6:05
Speaker 1: it was, if that was me, you would have And
6:07
Speaker 1: she started to say what I would have done, and
6:09
Speaker 1: I just said, well, I'm not the same dad anymore.
6:11
Speaker 2: And she's not you.
6:13
Speaker 1: And then you jumped into it, and this particular daughter
6:16
Speaker 1: is not who you were.
6:19
Speaker 2: And she didn't steal the car to do the things
6:21
Speaker 2: you were doing.
6:21
Speaker 1: And we never followed up with that daughter about the
6:24
Speaker 1: fact that she took the car. We just let it be,
6:26
Speaker 1: and she knew that she disappointed us. She knew that
6:28
Speaker 1: it was the wrong thing to do. And that was
6:30
Speaker 1: that I didn't even do the three e's.
6:32
Speaker 2: You know, it was really cute.
6:33
Speaker 1: I didn't explore, explain or empower I just I just
6:37
Speaker 1: let it go.
6:38
Speaker 2: When we sat around the dinner table that night, we
6:40
Speaker 2: were doing our grateful things, and this particular child said
6:43
Speaker 2: that she was really, really grateful that she could ask
6:47
Speaker 2: for forgiveness, and she was even more grateful that she
6:49
Speaker 2: could do the dishes all by herself.
6:52
Speaker 1: She did, by the way, I ended up doing the
6:54
Speaker 1: dishes anyway. I cooked the the dishes. But she said
6:58
Speaker 1: all the right things, so for but tomorrow, I guess
7:02
Speaker 1: I'm kind of like, as we've gotten older as parents
7:06
Speaker 1: and we've raised three kids to adulthood like this. I'm
7:10
Speaker 1: not going to say which one it is. Gosh, I
7:13
Speaker 1: just dibolplew it like. Our third daughter is only a
7:17
Speaker 1: few months off being an adult now as well, so
7:18
Speaker 1: we've got three kids who are pretty much adults. I've
7:22
Speaker 1: just found that stuff doesn't bother me like it used
7:24
Speaker 1: to with the first one, or two, or even the
7:26
Speaker 1: third one. So much more relaxed about it, and I
7:30
Speaker 1: think that it feels better in our family because of it.
7:32
Speaker 2: Well, I think that our relationships are more solid as
7:34
Speaker 2: a result.
7:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, And what is also interesting is that the kids.
7:39
Speaker 1: I know that that was a liberty that was big,
7:41
Speaker 1: and she shouldn't have done it, But she knows that
7:44
Speaker 1: We've had enough conversations now, and she saw in my
7:48
Speaker 1: eyes when she walked in the door that it wasn't okay,
7:51
Speaker 1: and I'd shared a couple of brief things with her
7:54
Speaker 1: on the phone as she was coming home, And because
7:57
Speaker 1: our relationships have changed because of the way we parenting now,
8:01
Speaker 1: that actually seems to have been enough. We've had a
8:03
Speaker 1: really good week with her, really great conversations with her,
8:06
Speaker 1: and I actually think that there's something in that. If
8:09
Speaker 1: she was younger probably would have needed a whole lot
8:11
Speaker 1: more conversation. But this kid that I'm not naming is
8:14
Speaker 1: just about an adult now, she's seventeen and a half.
8:18
Speaker 1: Just I don't think there's any point yelling the house
8:22
Speaker 1: down or telling her she can't drive the car for
8:24
Speaker 1: a month. She's grounded. Instead, she's just going to do better.
8:27
Speaker 1: And I think that we've become better parents because we've
8:30
Speaker 1: stopped sweating the small stuff and recognized that so much
8:32
Speaker 1: of what we used to sweat was small stuff. What
8:35
Speaker 1: do you think?
8:36
Speaker 2: What I love about this situation is her acknowledgment. She
8:41
Speaker 2: left not really understanding why.
8:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, she thought that we'd communicated well enough that she
8:46
Speaker 1: was cool to go, because I hadn't actually said don't go. No,
8:49
Speaker 1: I'd said I don't think it's gonna work, it's not
8:51
Speaker 1: really going to work because of blah blah blah blah.
8:53
Speaker 1: But I never gave her a clean no.
8:54
Speaker 2: And she didn't understand all of the things that were
8:57
Speaker 2: required of her in the afternoon, So when I spoke
9:00
Speaker 2: to her, because she was very upset that you were
9:03
Speaker 2: asking her to come home, when I spoke to her,
9:05
Speaker 2: and I was able to kind of just fill her
9:07
Speaker 2: in and go. You know, we need to do X,
9:08
Speaker 2: Y and Z before the night's over.
9:10
Speaker 1: So what you're really saying is I didn't give her
9:13
Speaker 1: clear instructions at the outset. She took at liberty that
9:15
Speaker 1: she probably shouldn't have, but it wasn't sufficiently clear that
9:18
Speaker 1: she shouldn't have. So my old be better tomorrow. Also
9:20
Speaker 1: needs to be be clear with the kids. If you
9:22
Speaker 1: don't want to do something, make it clear, but also
9:26
Speaker 1: don't sweat the small stuff. And it worked out.
9:28
Speaker 2: Okay, Yeah, because at the end of it, once she
9:31
Speaker 2: understood why we needed her home, she actually dropped everything
9:34
Speaker 2: and she came home.
9:36
Speaker 1: Up next, we're going to find out Kylie's older better tomorrow.
9:38
Speaker 1: What could she do to be more awesome or how
9:41
Speaker 1: can we be more intentional based on Kylie's insights from parenting.
9:44
Speaker 1: This week, it's their Happy Family's podcast.
9:48
Speaker 2: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because
9:51
Speaker 2: a happy family doesn't just happen.
9:54
Speaker 1: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
9:57
Speaker 2: It's the Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for the time
10:00
Speaker 2: time poor parent who just wants answers now, and today
10:02
Speaker 2: we are sharing our reflections.
10:05
Speaker 1: What are you laughing I'm just laughing because I really,
10:08
Speaker 1: I really can't believe that she took the car, and
10:09
Speaker 1: I really can't believe that we didn't even rouse on her,
10:12
Speaker 1: like we really didn't make a big deal about it
10:14
Speaker 1: at all, and yet everything's so good. It's I'm just
10:18
Speaker 1: I'm just chuckling because we've I think I think we're
10:21
Speaker 1: getting better at this, or maybe stuff just doesn't FaZe
10:23
Speaker 1: us anymore. What's your old doit tomorrow?
10:24
Speaker 2: You're inside You're really really scared to find out what
10:27
Speaker 2: happens when number six. Look, mine isn't so much an
10:34
Speaker 2: experience is as it is a thought process that I've
10:37
Speaker 2: had over the last few weeks. I actually wrote a
10:39
Speaker 2: blog for Kylie's Corner and our Happy Families membership a
10:43
Speaker 2: few weeks ago, and it's just been sitting in the
10:46
Speaker 2: back of my mind as I've melded over things. It's
10:48
Speaker 2: interesting as I look back on my own childhood and
10:52
Speaker 2: I remember experiences. It wasn't until I was an adult
10:58
Speaker 2: and my parents actually talked to me about those different
11:02
Speaker 2: experiences that I was able to see that my recollection
11:08
Speaker 2: of them and my experience living through them were very
11:12
Speaker 2: different to the reality that existed we moved to Australia
11:16
Speaker 2: when I was ten, so all of my memories of
11:19
Speaker 2: my childhood home in New Zealand are very romanticized. I
11:26
Speaker 2: believed that my parents were very well off because we
11:29
Speaker 2: always had meat and three vege on our table, and
11:32
Speaker 2: I loved lamb chops, and I loved the smoked fish
11:36
Speaker 2: that my mum used to make, and all of these
11:38
Speaker 2: different things that were just part of my childhood. And
11:40
Speaker 2: when we moved over to Australia, we didn't get to
11:42
Speaker 2: have meat every night because we couldn't afford it. My
11:44
Speaker 2: dad didn't have a stable job like he had had
11:47
Speaker 2: in New Zealand, and all of these things made me
11:49
Speaker 2: think that my experience growing up as a child in
11:52
Speaker 2: New Zealand were very different. In fact, they weren't. My
11:58
Speaker 2: parents struggled just as much financially in New Zealand as
12:01
Speaker 2: they did in Australia, but I saw things so differently.
12:04
Speaker 2: And as I was thinking about that experience, and then
12:06
Speaker 2: thinking about the experiences that I've had with my own children,
12:09
Speaker 2: and just this realization that so often as parents were
12:12
Speaker 2: so hard on ourselves. We think that because we didn't
12:16
Speaker 2: do something perfectly, maybe it's we were trying to make
12:18
Speaker 2: our child a birthday cake and it flopped, or maybe
12:22
Speaker 2: it was we wanted to have this amazing family afternoon
12:25
Speaker 2: and it poured with rain, or just it could be
12:29
Speaker 2: any number of things. But because it didn't work out
12:32
Speaker 2: the way we thought it should or we envisaged that
12:35
Speaker 2: it would, we often feel like we've failed. And yet
12:39
Speaker 2: the reality is that our children see it so differently,
12:42
Speaker 2: and what they'll remember is the time and the effort
12:45
Speaker 2: and the energy, and if it rained instead of being
12:47
Speaker 2: a sunny day, they'll be a laughter for years to
12:50
Speaker 2: come when we have this conversation about remember when we
12:54
Speaker 2: went for that bike ride and we got drenched or
12:56
Speaker 2: whatever it was. It didn't happen the way we wanted
12:58
Speaker 2: it to. But I think that if we just can
13:01
Speaker 2: take a step back sometimes and try and see the
13:03
Speaker 2: world through our children's eyes, we will recognize that they
13:08
Speaker 2: see the world so differently, and that will help us
13:13
Speaker 2: to see the world better.
13:14
Speaker 1: Especially. I mean this kind of goes back to our
13:17
Speaker 1: conversation yesterday about those irreducible needs of children. But they
13:20
Speaker 1: just want us to be in their lives. They want
13:22
Speaker 1: that ongoing, nurturing relationship. They want the connection.
13:24
Speaker 2: Next week, we're actually talking to my dad and your
13:28
Speaker 2: dad in the lead up to Father's Day. Yeah, and
13:32
Speaker 2: the conversation that we had with my dad in particular
13:35
Speaker 2: really just reiterated that sentiment. There were things that my
13:39
Speaker 2: dad wished he had have done, but the one thing
13:42
Speaker 2: that he wanted so desperately was that we, as his children,
13:48
Speaker 2: felt loved. And in spite of all of the other
13:51
Speaker 2: things that he did, that's one thing I can absolutely
13:55
Speaker 2: attest to. I know that I was loved.
13:58
Speaker 1: And if you listen to this podcast particularly and I'll
14:01
Speaker 1: do Better Tomorrow episode, you'll know that pairing with the
14:03
Speaker 1: intention is really about saying, how can I love my
14:05
Speaker 1: kids better? How can I help them to feel that.
14:07
Speaker 1: We hope that you've received that today as you've listened
14:09
Speaker 1: to our stories, laughed along with our foux pas, our mistakes,
14:13
Speaker 1: and hopefully over the weekend your family will be happier
14:17
Speaker 1: and do better tomorrow. The Happy Families podcast is produced
14:21
Speaker 1: by Justin Ruhlan from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our
14:24
Speaker 1: executive producer. We just love that you listen to the podcast.
14:27
Speaker 1: We hope that you're doing well, that your family is flourishing,
14:30
Speaker 1: and if you're looking for ongoing support, because a happy
14:33
Speaker 1: family doesn't just happen. Please check out our Happy Families memberships.
14:37
Speaker 1: We have seen so much growth, so many families joining
14:39
Speaker 1: the membership, joining the Happy Families community, and finding new
14:43
Speaker 1: ways to support their family to reach ever increasing heights
14:46
Speaker 1: of happiness. Do you like that, Colton?
14:48
Speaker 2: Are you going to wrap it up?
14:51
Speaker 1: Yeah? Come on. If you like more information, visit happy
14:55
Speaker 1: families dot com. DODA eight