Latest / Dear Chelsea / Now Hang On a Second with Brooke Shields

Transcript

Now Hang On a Second with Brooke Shields · Dear Chelsea

0:00
Speaker 1: Hi there everybody. What's going on? Hi Chelsea, what's happening?
0:07
Speaker 1: Guy's going really good. Actually, our little puppy is growing up.
0:11
Speaker 1: He's a month older and you know, getting potty trained,
0:14
Speaker 1: getting there, getting there. Wendell Benyer is a month older
0:18
Speaker 1: for Wendel ben. What's going to happen to Wendell's life?
0:21
Speaker 1: He's going to get chebby like a pug shit. He's
0:23
Speaker 1: going to come out of the closet very soon. Yes, Yes,
0:25
Speaker 1: he's definitely he's definitely gay, for sure. For sure is
0:29
Speaker 1: with a name like that? Well, Chelsea, I have a
0:33
Speaker 1: quick follow up for you. This is from Rachel. She
0:36
Speaker 1: called in on our microper Big La episode and she
0:39
Speaker 1: was the one who was getting married and her brother
0:41
Speaker 1: in law was not letting her sister's kids come to
0:43
Speaker 1: the wedding. Hi, Catherine and Chelsea. I'm so sorry about
0:47
Speaker 1: just now replying. I was waiting and hoping that something
0:50
Speaker 1: would possibly change, but unfortunately that did not happen. My
0:54
Speaker 1: niece and nephew will sadly not be a part of
0:56
Speaker 1: my wedding. We're about forty days from the big day,
0:58
Speaker 1: and after trying to reach out to my ex brother
1:00
Speaker 1: in law, again, We've just accepted the situation as it is.
1:04
Speaker 1: It's been about eight months since he and I have spoken,
1:06
Speaker 1: and things are so messy that he and my sister
1:09
Speaker 1: still have to communicate through a co parenting app for
1:12
Speaker 1: documentation and legal purposes. It's a parent that he's hurting
1:16
Speaker 1: deep down, and I just hope he can get some
1:17
Speaker 1: help and heal one day. On the bright side, my
1:20
Speaker 1: sister seems happier than ever nowadays. She's thriving in her
1:24
Speaker 1: career as an elementary school principle, and she's been able
1:26
Speaker 1: to really focus on herself for the first time in
1:28
Speaker 1: a while. So we've taken your advice and decided to
1:31
Speaker 1: have a private quote pretend wedding in my parents backyard
1:35
Speaker 1: the week before our wedding. That way, my niece and
1:38
Speaker 1: nephew can be our flower girl and ring bearer and
1:40
Speaker 1: have all the attention and happiness directed toward them. Truthfully,
1:44
Speaker 1: I just want them to be okay and not have
1:46
Speaker 1: their childhood stripped of their innocence. Chelsea and Catherine, you
1:49
Speaker 1: two are awesome. Thank you for keeping us all laughing
1:52
Speaker 1: during some shitty situations. Love Rachel PS. I'll be sure
1:56
Speaker 1: to send a picture of the three of us on
1:58
Speaker 1: our backyard wedding stay tuned. Oh that's cute, that's all
2:03
Speaker 1: good vibes. Too bad about the brother, but whatever it is.
2:07
Speaker 1: And sometimes we just have to let other people do
2:09
Speaker 1: what they're gonna do and make the best of a situation.
2:12
Speaker 1: And I'm really happy that she's choosing to do that.
2:14
Speaker 1: We've got an amazing guest today, Chelsea. Yeah, we do. Actually,
2:19
Speaker 1: we just worked together sort of but not really. We
2:23
Speaker 1: both did Kim Kardashians skims campaign bra campaign uh and
2:28
Speaker 1: and we both I noticed, used the same hair dresser.
2:32
Speaker 1: Dresser that's like an an outdated term, but anyway, hair
2:36
Speaker 1: stylist Ronado, the Sky Ronado, and her hair looked so
2:40
Speaker 1: badass during the campaign or for the photos. When we
2:43
Speaker 1: got all the photos, I was like, I thought my
2:44
Speaker 1: hair looked good. And then I saw brook Shields his
2:46
Speaker 1: hair and I was like, whoa wait, But then I
2:48
Speaker 1: realized she's Brooks Shields. Yes, that's where I guess is
2:51
Speaker 1: today Brookshields. Yeah, she's known for her luscious hair. No,
2:55
Speaker 1: she's known for her lusciousness. Yes. Absolutely. She is an actress, model,
3:00
Speaker 1: CEO and host of the Now What podcast. Please welcome Brookshields. Hi, Brook, Hi, Hi,
3:08
Speaker 1: how are you? I'm good? How are you? How are
3:11
Speaker 1: you feeling? Oh? My god better? But I sell my
3:13
Speaker 1: throat still has a pickle, a tickle pickle every I
3:16
Speaker 1: guess it must be Postdaisal trip. But I'm lying in
3:18
Speaker 1: bed and I go like this fifty thousand times. I'm
3:21
Speaker 1: glad I'm single at this time in my life because
3:23
Speaker 1: I don't know who would want to have sex with me.
3:25
Speaker 1: All I always like this, My my Chris does that.
3:31
Speaker 1: My husband Chris doesn't drive me insane insane because it's
3:35
Speaker 1: neither nor it's not a great cough and it's not
3:39
Speaker 1: really it's something else. Commit to one word or the other.
3:44
Speaker 1: On the subject of your husband. Chris actually a good
3:46
Speaker 1: place to start for us because I knew Chris years ago,
3:50
Speaker 1: which I think I told you about. I used to
3:52
Speaker 1: wait tables at a place called Roasty on Montana and
3:55
Speaker 1: Chris was a young writer who would come in and
3:57
Speaker 1: he was a really nice guy, and I think he
3:59
Speaker 1: had some friends and he would come in with other
4:01
Speaker 1: writer guys. Yeah, and he would come in and that's
4:04
Speaker 1: how I knew him. And then he went off and
4:05
Speaker 1: married you, and then I never saw him again. Well,
4:09
Speaker 1: see it was a natural progression. Yeah, exactly, the man
4:13
Speaker 1: who stopped speaking to me completely. Oh he said to
4:17
Speaker 1: say hi, by the way, Oh tell him I say
4:20
Speaker 1: hi back, please. I will, I will, I will, I will. Um.
4:23
Speaker 1: But you guys have had such a long successful relationship, marriage, partnership.
4:28
Speaker 1: I was wondering if you could speak to that and
4:30
Speaker 1: tell us a little bit about how you feel about
4:34
Speaker 1: your side of the street in your relationship, how you
4:37
Speaker 1: feel like you've grown as a woman within your relationship
4:39
Speaker 1: with having a family and everything, because these are things
4:42
Speaker 1: I can't really relate to, so I'm so curious. I uh,
4:47
Speaker 1: I'm his first marriage, or he likes to say I'm
4:50
Speaker 1: her current marriage. But I had a marriage before, and
4:55
Speaker 1: I think that that was probably one really great thing
4:59
Speaker 1: because I learned really what I didn't want in a relationship.
5:04
Speaker 1: Maybe I should have learned it without having to actually
5:06
Speaker 1: go through the marriage. But I think that it's first
5:09
Speaker 1: of all, it's a lot is attributable to him because
5:13
Speaker 1: he's a very solid person. He doesn't get threatened easily
5:19
Speaker 1: by any of any of that. I come with a lot,
5:23
Speaker 1: you know, I come with a lot. It's hard it's hard,
5:26
Speaker 1: not only my history, but because I'm recognized and because
5:30
Speaker 1: the world feels like they own me. I think that,
5:33
Speaker 1: you know, I come with a lot. So he's very,
5:36
Speaker 1: very patient. And one of the things that I think
5:39
Speaker 1: what he was willing to do is adapt to certain
5:43
Speaker 1: things that I have asked him. For instance, when we
5:47
Speaker 1: first met, it was always funny how he would make
5:50
Speaker 1: fun of me. And he made fun of me, like
5:52
Speaker 1: he was just I'm I do really geeky, stupid things,
5:55
Speaker 1: and like I'm that kid that always said that different
5:58
Speaker 1: color highlighters and I'm organizing and I like underlining, and
6:02
Speaker 1: you know, I just I do things that are kind
6:04
Speaker 1: of geeky, and and he used to make fun of me,
6:08
Speaker 1: or the fact that I couldn't cook, and it was
6:10
Speaker 1: cute in the beginning because it was it felt really personal,
6:14
Speaker 1: but it was never mean. But they were little things.
6:16
Speaker 1: And as you know, like ten years into the relationship,
6:20
Speaker 1: I said to him, you know what, I'm growing as
6:23
Speaker 1: a person, and I'm I don't want to self deprecate
6:27
Speaker 1: as much as I used to in the same way
6:29
Speaker 1: and for the same reasons. And you kind of knocking
6:32
Speaker 1: me down a couple of pegs doesn't feel cute anymore
6:35
Speaker 1: to me. And I know it sounds like a bait
6:38
Speaker 1: and switch, and I know I'm changing the terms here,
6:41
Speaker 1: but we all have to adapt. And you've mentioned accountability
6:46
Speaker 1: when we were talking one time, and I think that
6:48
Speaker 1: there is accountability to You're not trying to change the
6:52
Speaker 1: other person, but there are certain things that have to
6:55
Speaker 1: become a compromise, and you have to be able to
6:58
Speaker 1: express what you need and also be able to change
7:02
Speaker 1: in little ways that do make a huge difference to
7:04
Speaker 1: your partner. And that type of back and forth in
7:08
Speaker 1: exchange has been just really healthy for us. Wow. Yeah,
7:12
Speaker 1: Like he'll if I start a sentence with to him,
7:16
Speaker 1: I don't think you realize how much I have on
7:19
Speaker 1: my plate, or something like that, he cannot stand it
7:23
Speaker 1: because it underestimates how much he really does understand about
7:29
Speaker 1: me and my life. And so he'll he'll get prickly
7:32
Speaker 1: with something like that. So I have to keep in
7:34
Speaker 1: mind that that's not a kind, that's not a rhetoric
7:37
Speaker 1: that he It just makes him bristle and he in
7:40
Speaker 1: a in a second. He's got his ire up, you know.
7:42
Speaker 1: So I think that the willingness to be you know,
7:46
Speaker 1: people say, oh, friendship. And so, first of all, laughter
7:49
Speaker 1: is just key. I mean, he just makes me laugh
7:53
Speaker 1: and that's been a big part of our relationship. He
7:57
Speaker 1: is such a good father and he put it's in
8:00
Speaker 1: the time, and that makes being a mother so much
8:05
Speaker 1: more palatable in many ways for me, even though I've
8:09
Speaker 1: always wanted to have kids. It's really not easy, and
8:12
Speaker 1: it's a full time. It's just forever, and then some
8:17
Speaker 1: that's forever, and then some it's neiver over no, and
8:20
Speaker 1: and sometimes loving that much, it's just paying the ass.
8:23
Speaker 1: It's just you're just like, why am I doing this
8:24
Speaker 1: to myself? Yeah, I can imagine it's the kind of
8:27
Speaker 1: worry that you're just like, God, did I did I
8:30
Speaker 1: want to feel this horrible? It's weird. I mean, I
8:34
Speaker 1: I have that conversation with a really good friend of
8:36
Speaker 1: mine and she's sort of belaboring the fact that she's
8:40
Speaker 1: not having children and she never wanted them. And then
8:45
Speaker 1: the clock got a certain to a certain place, and
8:48
Speaker 1: then it became difficult, and then it became, oh, no,
8:50
Speaker 1: what am I missing out on? And I said, you know,
8:53
Speaker 1: don't lose sight of how you can get love from
8:57
Speaker 1: her husband's grandchild or how you know. And also to
9:02
Speaker 1: keep in mind that she never was motivated to have
9:05
Speaker 1: it wasn't a part of her the way it was
9:08
Speaker 1: a part of me. I I say that in my
9:10
Speaker 1: stand up special. On my new stand up special, I
9:12
Speaker 1: talk about like, if you're on the fence at all
9:14
Speaker 1: about becoming a mother, then don't become a mother. Like
9:17
Speaker 1: if you're questioning it, if you're not a hundred and
9:20
Speaker 1: in in it and saying like this is what I want,
9:22
Speaker 1: I can't live without it, then you shouldn't have a
9:24
Speaker 1: baby because it is that kind of commitment. You can't
9:27
Speaker 1: be like, well, I guess I'm getting older and I
9:29
Speaker 1: may as well have one, you know, tell your friends
9:31
Speaker 1: to call me. I'll just shake her out. Well, it's
9:34
Speaker 1: also true that, you know, hey, I don't I respect
9:38
Speaker 1: the way you talk about it, because not everybody should
9:41
Speaker 1: want to have children. If they don't want to, they
9:43
Speaker 1: shouldn't be shamed into it. And it's a you know,
9:47
Speaker 1: it is also it's the kind of thing that there's
9:50
Speaker 1: a lot to it, and you know, it's not going
9:53
Speaker 1: to fix a relationship. I hear couples talk about, you know,
9:55
Speaker 1: their marriages having trouble and they think a baby is
9:58
Speaker 1: going to fix it. Trust me, No, it's not. Whatever
10:03
Speaker 1: your problems are become magnified right where you have baby, absolutely,
10:07
Speaker 1: and then that then the blame starts and you're just like,
10:09
Speaker 1: this is just becoming degraded. Now what Okay? Because I
10:14
Speaker 1: know you have you spoken a lot and written a
10:16
Speaker 1: lot about your relationship and the difficulties with your relationship
10:19
Speaker 1: with your own mother, and I so I think for
10:22
Speaker 1: your I'm so curious about when you became a mother.
10:25
Speaker 1: I mean, you must have had such an inner dialogue
10:27
Speaker 1: going on for fear of replicating any of the stuff
10:30
Speaker 1: that was so painful or hurtful to you. The weirdest
10:35
Speaker 1: thing is I've done so much work on myself in
10:39
Speaker 1: therapy for decades that I focused on the things that
10:43
Speaker 1: I want to replicate rather than just the things I
10:47
Speaker 1: didn't want to replicate because I had done so much work.
10:50
Speaker 1: And so to compare myself in in any way in
10:53
Speaker 1: a negative way to a woman who really was so
10:57
Speaker 1: broken and couldn't do the work on herself or for herself,
11:01
Speaker 1: and you know it's not only just alcoholic. I don't
11:03
Speaker 1: think she could ever get through step seven or whatever
11:06
Speaker 1: the amends one is, but I think that her humor
11:10
Speaker 1: was so important, her willingness to have fun with me,
11:17
Speaker 1: her belief that I should always have someone my own
11:20
Speaker 1: age around me, even within this industry, her very frank
11:26
Speaker 1: way of of discussing anything. You know, she was ballsy,
11:31
Speaker 1: and that really protected me. And so I try to
11:34
Speaker 1: remember those things, and I try to be careful about
11:38
Speaker 1: my drinking because I know that that is in my blood.
11:42
Speaker 1: I'm surprised at how how much freedom emotionally I give
11:47
Speaker 1: my kids, you know how. I I never thought that
11:51
Speaker 1: talking to them about sex and talking to I thought
11:55
Speaker 1: because my mother never talked to me about anything. You
11:57
Speaker 1: just were told, don't do it, you'll burn in hell.
12:00
Speaker 1: And then I became sort of known for being a virgin.
12:05
Speaker 1: We talk about everything together and I have no judgment,
12:11
Speaker 1: and I'm shocked at myself, you know. I mean, we
12:15
Speaker 1: talked about it all, and I didn't think that i'd
12:18
Speaker 1: be comfortable with it on that level. Yeah, I can
12:21
Speaker 1: see what you mean by that. I mean, I'm just
12:23
Speaker 1: thinking about my nieces and nephews and I'm like, yeah,
12:25
Speaker 1: I guess I would be the closest to non judgmental,
12:28
Speaker 1: but I'm still they're like my little babies, and I'm like,
12:30
Speaker 1: I can't even think about the things that they might
12:33
Speaker 1: be up to getting up to you right now. It's crazy.
12:36
Speaker 1: It's just so crazy. And but I you know, I
12:39
Speaker 1: always say, it's just it's important that you have an
12:43
Speaker 1: ally within these these times in your life because you're
12:49
Speaker 1: gonna need it. And who better than your mom in
12:53
Speaker 1: my case with her, because I'm always going to be
12:58
Speaker 1: here for whatever it is. I'm like, but don't be
13:01
Speaker 1: an idiots. Do either of your girls remind you of
13:03
Speaker 1: your mom? Oh, that's a great question. There's sometimes when
13:09
Speaker 1: my older daughter will do something that is just so defiant,
13:15
Speaker 1: like she's got balls, my daughter, And you think that
13:20
Speaker 1: I would see my mom do that, or she would
13:22
Speaker 1: do things just to be the first one dancing on
13:27
Speaker 1: the table or something like that. So there are some
13:30
Speaker 1: kind of ballsy and her sense of humor, My mom's
13:33
Speaker 1: sense of humor does really sort of breathe through rowan
13:37
Speaker 1: in particular. Yeah, that's cool. That must be really like
13:41
Speaker 1: meaningful to see it is because I'll say things that
13:44
Speaker 1: my mother would have said that just can sound borderline,
13:49
Speaker 1: like you know, when a dog is outside the deli
13:52
Speaker 1: or something, and they're looking inside to see where their
13:55
Speaker 1: master is, like their masters like they just can't they
13:58
Speaker 1: can only look at their math, her or whatever. My
14:01
Speaker 1: mother used to walk by the dogs and go, she's
14:04
Speaker 1: never coming back, which is a sick joke. It's a
14:10
Speaker 1: sick joke. And my mom was full of sick jokes
14:13
Speaker 1: like that, and so and I would like try them
14:16
Speaker 1: out on rowan and she was like, Mom, that's so sick,
14:19
Speaker 1: but it's so fucking funny. That's cute. Well, I think
14:26
Speaker 1: that's a really beautiful sentiment, you know. Taking the best
14:29
Speaker 1: out of a relationship was what we should all be doing,
14:32
Speaker 1: out of our difficult relationships, out of our beautiful relationships,
14:35
Speaker 1: out of our best relationships, but taking the best things
14:37
Speaker 1: about that and trying to replicate those instead of focusing
14:42
Speaker 1: on the things that you don't want to replicate, focusing
14:44
Speaker 1: on the things that you do. The minute you start
14:47
Speaker 1: going down the road of the things you don't want
14:49
Speaker 1: or the things that are bad, you're now demonizing this
14:53
Speaker 1: person even more, especially if they're not alive, right, and
14:56
Speaker 1: then you're not even giving yourself a chance to sort
14:59
Speaker 1: of not live with rose colored glasses about who they were,
15:03
Speaker 1: but to also sort of say people are complex, and
15:06
Speaker 1: I'm going to try to shift this and start with
15:09
Speaker 1: a positive rather than, you know, making myself terrified that
15:13
Speaker 1: i'm you know things. I'm my own person too, you know,
15:16
Speaker 1: And I think that that's important for people to remember,
15:18
Speaker 1: is that they are they can be their own people,
15:21
Speaker 1: right exactly. Okay, So we are going to take a
15:24
Speaker 1: quick break, and then we're going to come back and
15:26
Speaker 1: get to some callers who need some life advice. Brooke,
15:29
Speaker 1: We're going to dish it out and give real people
15:31
Speaker 1: advice on what to do in situations. Catherine, are we
15:35
Speaker 1: ready to take a quick break. I think we're ready
15:36
Speaker 1: to take a quick Oh my god, we're taking a
15:38
Speaker 1: break and we'll be right back, and we're back and
15:45
Speaker 1: we're back. Well, you know what, I'm gonna switch up
15:48
Speaker 1: the order that I intended these in because we've already
15:51
Speaker 1: been talking about dogs, and I see you have it's Pepper,
15:53
Speaker 1: right of Pepper, they're bored. She just got up and left. Now,
15:57
Speaker 1: aren't dogs all bored all the time? It's not where
15:59
Speaker 1: they're sleeping all of the time. And my dogs are
16:02
Speaker 1: sleeping all of the time. Like cats are more bored
16:05
Speaker 1: than than dogs. I think, I don't know. Mine is
16:08
Speaker 1: so neurotic and insecure. My dogs are like cats. I
16:11
Speaker 1: have two cat dogs, wow, and I have a neurotic
16:15
Speaker 1: separation anxiety dog. She's a Portuguese water dog. I mean,
16:22
Speaker 1: those are nice dogs. What happens when you have a
16:24
Speaker 1: dog in the city, Isn't that just a fucking huge
16:26
Speaker 1: pain in the ass brook to have to go outside
16:29
Speaker 1: into the city every time they need to go out. Yeah,
16:32
Speaker 1: it's it can be a bit can be, but you know,
16:35
Speaker 1: you get your dog people in town and we are
16:39
Speaker 1: able to leave the city in the summer, and I
16:43
Speaker 1: have the best of both worlds. I mean, what's hard
16:45
Speaker 1: is making sure your dog can tell you when they
16:48
Speaker 1: have to go to the bathroom, which, like I now
16:50
Speaker 1: know her look obviously when she's gotta go, but she's
16:53
Speaker 1: not clear, Like she doesn't go to the door and
16:55
Speaker 1: like paw the door. So there's been many a package
16:58
Speaker 1: left room. We trained our little pug, Mimsy, using bells,
17:03
Speaker 1: so she if she has to go out, she just
17:05
Speaker 1: goes and rings the bell. I mean we take her
17:07
Speaker 1: out at regular interviews anyway. But it's it's a life saver,
17:10
Speaker 1: it's a carpet saver. Yeah, well it's too freaking late
17:12
Speaker 1: for us, Catherine, thanks for the hot tip. Now, I mean,
17:15
Speaker 1: you can't train these dogs to ring doorbells? Can't learn Okay, Well,
17:21
Speaker 1: and I actually just got a new puppy. But I
17:23
Speaker 1: actually picked this question for you weeks ago. So this
17:27
Speaker 1: question comes from Lindsay. Lindsay says, Dear Chelsea, should we
17:33
Speaker 1: get a new dog. It's been over four years since
17:35
Speaker 1: our dog passed away. She felt like a soulmate to me,
17:38
Speaker 1: and we went through so many life events together. I
17:41
Speaker 1: loved her in a way that makes my heart burst
17:43
Speaker 1: even today. Her passing was tragic and took years to
17:47
Speaker 1: get through. I feel her presence all the time, and
17:49
Speaker 1: I miss her every day. In the last year, I've
17:52
Speaker 1: been finding myself wanting the physical presence of a dog again. However,
17:56
Speaker 1: I'm terrified of not feeling that same love for a
17:58
Speaker 1: new dog. Well also being terrified that I'll feel that
18:01
Speaker 1: strong feeling again, which ultimately means I'll feel terrible loss again.
18:05
Speaker 1: We travel often, have two senior cats and a six
18:08
Speaker 1: year old. Our lives are busy, so I also wonder
18:10
Speaker 1: if maybe the timing isn't right to add a dog
18:12
Speaker 1: to our family. How will I know when the time
18:15
Speaker 1: is right? How do I get past the fear? Lindsay,
18:18
Speaker 1: Just get a fucking dog, Lindsay, I mean, this is
18:20
Speaker 1: not a hard problem at all. Get a dog, and
18:24
Speaker 1: don't compare that dog all the time to your deceased
18:28
Speaker 1: little love bug. Because it took me a while too,
18:32
Speaker 1: and I was like, I'm not gonna love this dog
18:33
Speaker 1: as much, and then I was resistant, and poor dog
18:36
Speaker 1: didn't know the difference. She didn't know my other dog.
18:39
Speaker 1: You know, Um, I just think, get a dog, and
18:41
Speaker 1: and it's good for a little girl to grow up
18:44
Speaker 1: with with a dog. I mean, you know you're gonna
18:47
Speaker 1: end up doing all the work, obviously, but but also
18:50
Speaker 1: once you get a new dog, your love transfers. You
18:53
Speaker 1: don't have any choice but to love and focus on
18:55
Speaker 1: that dog that you're not going to have be comparing
18:57
Speaker 1: it to your other dog, even like I've had so
18:59
Speaker 1: many dogs, and every time you just have a different
19:02
Speaker 1: kind of love for them. You're like, oh my god,
19:04
Speaker 1: this is my number one now. It actually helps you
19:07
Speaker 1: get over the loss of the other one too, actually too.
19:10
Speaker 1: And if you have just one kid, I mean, think
19:12
Speaker 1: about if you had another daughter, would you only love
19:15
Speaker 1: the six year old more than the baby. I doubt it. Yeah, exactly,
19:20
Speaker 1: So you just it's like growing another heart. So buck
19:23
Speaker 1: up and just go get that dog. Okay, I think so,
19:25
Speaker 1: lindsay get the dog. Well that was easy. That was
19:30
Speaker 1: probably the easiest question we've ever gotten. So oh boy, Okay. Well,
19:35
Speaker 1: our next question comes from Jesse. She's a caller, she says,
19:41
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, my boyfriend and I recently went on a
19:44
Speaker 1: camping trip with his whole family, mom, dad's sister, and
19:48
Speaker 1: his nephew. My nine year old son and our dog
19:50
Speaker 1: also joined us. Three days in, we had reservations to
19:54
Speaker 1: go whitewater rafting with my boyfriend's sister, her son, my son,
19:58
Speaker 1: and my boyfriend. The big ending of the river was amazing.
20:02
Speaker 1: We were all laughing, screaming, and having the best time.
20:05
Speaker 1: Shortly into it, I decided to move back a seat
20:08
Speaker 1: to sit next to my boyfriend. His sister is an
20:10
Speaker 1: aggressive type A and promptly turns around to tell me
20:13
Speaker 1: to move back to my original seat. I told her
20:16
Speaker 1: it should be fine because I'm still peddling in the
20:18
Speaker 1: same area I was before. She continued to tell me, no,
20:21
Speaker 1: I need to move back while raising her voice. I
20:23
Speaker 1: told her not to talk to me like that, and
20:25
Speaker 1: all hell broke loose. She used this moment to stand up,
20:31
Speaker 1: point her finger in my face while telling me all
20:34
Speaker 1: the things she's always hated about me since day one.
20:37
Speaker 1: She concluded it by saying, and I'm not the only
20:40
Speaker 1: one who feels this way. I immediately broke down and
20:43
Speaker 1: cried the rest of the two hour trip down the river,
20:46
Speaker 1: we packed up our camp and drove back home. As
20:48
Speaker 1: soon as we got back to the campsite, his mom
20:51
Speaker 1: and dad sided with his sister and also doubled down
20:54
Speaker 1: on all the resentments they have had towards me for
20:56
Speaker 1: the four years we've been together. Nothing they've said makes
21:01
Speaker 1: any sense to me, and I honestly feel broken, sad,
21:03
Speaker 1: and confused. I lost my dad to COVID. Have considered
21:07
Speaker 1: his family my family. I can feel the energy shift
21:10
Speaker 1: in my relationship with my boyfriend, and I truly don't
21:13
Speaker 1: know where to go from here. Please help. Jesse Oh, no, Jesse, Hi, Jesse, Hi, Jesse. Hey,
21:22
Speaker 1: this is our special guest, Brookshields is here today. Hi Brook,
21:27
Speaker 1: So nice to see you all. I mean, first of all,
21:30
Speaker 1: rapt trips are not easy they're they're challenging, and there
21:34
Speaker 1: they bring out a lot in people. I think that
21:37
Speaker 1: was that was one of the issues for sure. What
21:41
Speaker 1: did you how did your Have you spoken at length
21:44
Speaker 1: to your boyfriend about all of this? We actually both
21:48
Speaker 1: started seeing a therapist. We both see the same therapist now,
21:51
Speaker 1: which is convenient. So on Sundays basically that he does
21:56
Speaker 1: him at ten am and at eleven am, and we're
21:58
Speaker 1: both kind of talking it out with Arthur a pist, so,
22:01
Speaker 1: I mean, we're just we're trying to get through it.
22:03
Speaker 1: It's just it was a lot and he's not really
22:07
Speaker 1: sure where to go from here either, Like what what
22:09
Speaker 1: is he saying? Like how does he feel? I mean,
22:11
Speaker 1: what does he agree with his family? Did he know
22:14
Speaker 1: that they felt this way? He he's a different person
22:18
Speaker 1: with them than he is with me. He's very quiet
22:20
Speaker 1: around them, he's very doesn't really speak his mind, but
22:23
Speaker 1: when he's with me, he's like, that was obviously crazy,
22:26
Speaker 1: you know, And basically I don't want to surround myself
22:29
Speaker 1: with somebody that's really negative and that just brings that
22:34
Speaker 1: energy around. So he doesn't really agree with it at all.
22:38
Speaker 1: Well usually though, But there's also a part in a
22:41
Speaker 1: relationship where to a certain extent, your partner has to
22:45
Speaker 1: be able to stick up for you in some way,
22:47
Speaker 1: and it can be done in a loving way. But
22:50
Speaker 1: you are his choice. His family, he was didn't have
22:54
Speaker 1: a choice about, you know, is he older or younger
22:56
Speaker 1: than the he's younger. She's actually my age and he's
23:01
Speaker 1: three years younger than me. And what's her life situation.
23:05
Speaker 1: She's a single mom. She's always had that aggressive side,
23:08
Speaker 1: a little just abrasive. I think it's kind of like
23:11
Speaker 1: a guard she has up to protect herself, if that
23:14
Speaker 1: makes sense, because she's kind of always been on her own,
23:16
Speaker 1: and she does take care of her son by herself,
23:19
Speaker 1: so it's just her and him. What's interesting about that
23:23
Speaker 1: is there I feel like there's some jealousy and projection.
23:26
Speaker 1: But also when anybody says, and I'm not the only
23:29
Speaker 1: one that feels that way, that's a sort of a
23:31
Speaker 1: cop out because they're not owning their vitriol. You know,
23:35
Speaker 1: they're sort of pawning it off on someone. I hate that.
23:38
Speaker 1: I hate that when people use that in fights. Oh
23:40
Speaker 1: my god, it was so hurtful. Yeah, I immediately started
23:45
Speaker 1: crying and so unfair by the way to the rest
23:48
Speaker 1: of his family also, because you know, sometimes that can
23:52
Speaker 1: be an opening for the rest of his family talking
23:55
Speaker 1: to them and sort of saying, is this true. Do
23:58
Speaker 1: you have a problem with me that I don't know about?
24:00
Speaker 1: Because I love your brother, I love your son. Can
24:02
Speaker 1: we talk about this? Just because to hear it like
24:05
Speaker 1: that and being such an outburst, there has to be
24:08
Speaker 1: something else either going on. I mean, I would save
24:11
Speaker 1: her to last, but I don't know. Also, funny you
24:14
Speaker 1: say that because we have this conversation yesterday and I'm like,
24:16
Speaker 1: you know, I feel like this was obviously a projection
24:19
Speaker 1: of something, but this might have something to do with
24:22
Speaker 1: her and his relationship. Oh you know, maybe that's what
24:27
Speaker 1: made her because there wasn't anything that led up to
24:30
Speaker 1: that other than the changing seats on the raft that
24:33
Speaker 1: made her so angry. Yeah, is there another sister? Is
24:36
Speaker 1: it just the two of them? It's just the two
24:38
Speaker 1: of them? Well, you're invading her space, and you know, yeah,
24:42
Speaker 1: something that popped up for me reading that, imagining myself
24:46
Speaker 1: like if I were the sister blowing up, but you
24:48
Speaker 1: is potentially she had some anxiety about the white water
24:51
Speaker 1: rafting and you're moving it like brought out this other stuff,
24:54
Speaker 1: but she's also clearly been harboring resentments. And I'm so
24:58
Speaker 1: bombed out that this happened to you, But I'm also
25:00
Speaker 1: sorry this happened in front of your son, like any
25:02
Speaker 1: adult was one of the main issues for me was
25:04
Speaker 1: it happened in front of my son. I couldn't, you know,
25:08
Speaker 1: I couldn't. I couldn't scream at her. I I just
25:10
Speaker 1: went in the other direction. But that's okay, because you
25:13
Speaker 1: don't want to scream in Yale, because that's a loss
25:15
Speaker 1: of control. Her screaming at you in the middle of
25:18
Speaker 1: a white water rafting trip is like a complete loss
25:20
Speaker 1: of control. So if any like that's on her, Yeah,
25:23
Speaker 1: there's a million ways to have a rational conversation when
25:26
Speaker 1: you have issues with somebody. Flipping out in the middle
25:29
Speaker 1: of a trip is a loss of control that you
25:31
Speaker 1: need to apologize for. That's where accountability comes in. You
25:34
Speaker 1: have to go God, that was really inappropriate, especially in
25:38
Speaker 1: front of your kid. And also, if you don't have
25:40
Speaker 1: the guts to tell me personally, you need an audience.
25:44
Speaker 1: I don't know what that says about her, you know,
25:46
Speaker 1: I think I think she's she's obviously triggered and maybe
25:51
Speaker 1: it sounds like she's jealous of whatever she thinks you have,
25:55
Speaker 1: including her brother, or angry just at her own circumstances.
25:59
Speaker 1: So what were the complaints that she had about you?
26:01
Speaker 1: What did she say? Oh my god, they were so
26:03
Speaker 1: ridiculous one of the main ones, because I didn't hear
26:06
Speaker 1: them from her. The only thing on the trip that
26:08
Speaker 1: I heard was that I keep bringing up their childhood
26:11
Speaker 1: and she doesn't like that. I I don't know. I
26:14
Speaker 1: like to get really deep when I talk to people.
26:17
Speaker 1: It's almost to a fault, Like I immediately start talking
26:19
Speaker 1: about therapy, and you know, everybody needs therapy. Therapy is great.
26:23
Speaker 1: And I live in South Alabama. I live in in
26:25
Speaker 1: a small southern town, but the people around here just
26:29
Speaker 1: aren't that way, you know, And whenever I talk to
26:32
Speaker 1: them about it, I can see they get uncomfortable. But
26:34
Speaker 1: I almost take that as an opening to keep going
26:36
Speaker 1: and like helping them just be happier and live happier lives. Almost,
26:43
Speaker 1: you know, we don't have to worry about this other ship.
26:45
Speaker 1: We can be on a happy path if we want to.
26:48
Speaker 1: But I think maybe they did see me as a threat.
26:51
Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe they saw me that's what our
26:54
Speaker 1: therapist is saying that, like, I caused a disruption in
26:57
Speaker 1: their family unit, which is no fault of yours. It's
27:01
Speaker 1: not a fault just dating the sky. It's not a
27:06
Speaker 1: fault of yours at all. I mean, I also think
27:08
Speaker 1: holding a mirror up two people, you know, they get
27:10
Speaker 1: really threatened if they don't have the guts to do
27:13
Speaker 1: that kind of self exploration, you know, and admit things
27:16
Speaker 1: that you know way aren't the best about them. But
27:19
Speaker 1: this is not your fault. I mean, God, I just
27:23
Speaker 1: I want him to come to your aid, but I
27:26
Speaker 1: don't want it to be my decision. You know. We
27:29
Speaker 1: had this conversation yesterday. I'm like, well, I was. What
27:31
Speaker 1: I would love for you to do is to do this,
27:34
Speaker 1: you know, to go over there and stand up for
27:36
Speaker 1: yourself and say this is who I am, and and
27:39
Speaker 1: we're not mad about any of the complaints. His mom
27:42
Speaker 1: is the one who came over and kind of started
27:44
Speaker 1: using this opportunity to tell me about things that have
27:47
Speaker 1: made her angry over the years about me, and one
27:49
Speaker 1: of them was that I didn't help do dishes on
27:51
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving two years ago. And on my side, I'm like,
27:55
Speaker 1: all you have to do is ask and I'll do
27:57
Speaker 1: the dishes, you know. But also I don't really you
28:00
Speaker 1: pick up after myself when I'm invited to Thanksgiving dinner.
28:03
Speaker 1: You know, it's like this was your house, you know,
28:05
Speaker 1: this is your stuff, and but all you have to
28:07
Speaker 1: do is ask. But it was really petty stuff like that,
28:10
Speaker 1: Like I didn't help pick up dishes at Thanksgiving. I
28:13
Speaker 1: didn't help bring bags over to the campsite. I didn't
28:17
Speaker 1: help them unload the stuff from their from their car
28:20
Speaker 1: to their tent. Just things like that, and how they
28:23
Speaker 1: don't think I treat their son right. But well, listen,
28:27
Speaker 1: all of these examples you are giving are reasonable things
28:30
Speaker 1: for someone. Listen, when I go to somebody's house, I
28:32
Speaker 1: don't know how to do dishes, but I always clean
28:34
Speaker 1: up after myself, whether it's someone else's house or not.
28:36
Speaker 1: That's just kind of like a nice thing to do.
28:39
Speaker 1: So the things that they're saying, whatever, it doesn't matter
28:42
Speaker 1: whether they're right or you're wrong. It's just a matter
28:45
Speaker 1: of how you're having the conversation, right, if they have resentments,
28:48
Speaker 1: and like they shouldn't have to ask you to come
28:50
Speaker 1: and help with the dishes as a guest. You should
28:52
Speaker 1: try and help, and then they either say no or
28:54
Speaker 1: thank you. You know what I mean, you no, you
28:56
Speaker 1: sit down, or thank you. You know, there's there's a
28:58
Speaker 1: certain like measure of manners that you should impart and when,
29:01
Speaker 1: especially when you're at your boyfriend's parents house, just out
29:04
Speaker 1: of decency, right, So all of these things, it's it's like, Okay,
29:08
Speaker 1: that's a good point, that's a bad point. It doesn't matter.
29:10
Speaker 1: It's just a matter of the tenor of the conversation
29:13
Speaker 1: because they've they've clearly painted you as this person that
29:16
Speaker 1: doesn't help out wherever you go camping over to Thanksgiving.
29:19
Speaker 1: They think you're selfish and that I would imagine that
29:22
Speaker 1: you don't treat your boyfriend with respect. In their eyes,
29:25
Speaker 1: that's what they're thinking. It's funny. The dishes thing is
29:28
Speaker 1: a funny thing because my daughter just recently said to me,
29:31
Speaker 1: she said, Mom, I'm amazed at how badly behaved a
29:34
Speaker 1: lot of young people are. She said, Whenever we're at
29:37
Speaker 1: dinner at someone else's house, she was like, mom, my
29:40
Speaker 1: sister and I are always the first up to go
29:43
Speaker 1: help with the dishes, and it's either oh my god,
29:46
Speaker 1: thank you so much, or no, no, no, Donnie, sit down,
29:48
Speaker 1: like you know, but it's that little gesture. There are
29:51
Speaker 1: little things that go a long way, but these things
29:55
Speaker 1: feel that there's something deeper that they're using these petty
29:59
Speaker 1: things to say, Oh, she's a princess, she doesn't want
30:02
Speaker 1: to help with anything. You're obviously not that, but it
30:05
Speaker 1: feels like there's something deeper. You know, you're taking her
30:08
Speaker 1: son away? Are you his first real relationship? You know,
30:12
Speaker 1: you're the other woman with regards to the sister. Whenever
30:16
Speaker 1: these things happen, it's always about that person. The person
30:21
Speaker 1: dolling out, the person doing that is the person with
30:24
Speaker 1: the issue for sure, And that's hard for you to say,
30:27
Speaker 1: But it's also important to say to take accountability when
30:30
Speaker 1: it's when you don't even feel like you've done anything wrong.
30:33
Speaker 1: You know what, I mean. To be a bigger person
30:34
Speaker 1: in this larger conversation that you're having about your relationship,
30:38
Speaker 1: I think it's really important for you to consider everything
30:41
Speaker 1: that they're saying, and whether or not you think you're
30:43
Speaker 1: wrong or right doesn't matter. Right, it's just about the
30:46
Speaker 1: actual tenor of the conversation. Because if you come back
30:48
Speaker 1: at them calmly in a month or so or whatever
30:51
Speaker 1: and say, hey, listen, I've thought a lot about everything
30:53
Speaker 1: you guys said, and I want to take some accountability
30:56
Speaker 1: and responsibility from my end of the thing, and I
30:58
Speaker 1: will definitely contribute more and this and that, But I
31:01
Speaker 1: also you also need something in return for that too.
31:04
Speaker 1: So when you're going to therapy with you and your boyfriend,
31:07
Speaker 1: like when you say your boyfriend doesn't know how to
31:08
Speaker 1: move on from this, you've been together for four years,
31:11
Speaker 1: are you contemplating splitting up over this? It was actually
31:15
Speaker 1: it was a thought just because I felt like I
31:17
Speaker 1: was coming between him and his family. But isn't that
31:20
Speaker 1: a defensive thought though? Is that a real thought or
31:22
Speaker 1: a defensive Yeah, it was totally an insecurity. It was
31:25
Speaker 1: fully based off of he's going to choose them, so
31:29
Speaker 1: I better hurry up and in this right. So I
31:32
Speaker 1: was just this whole thing just made me really uncomfortable.
31:35
Speaker 1: Like the face to face confrontation kind of scared me.
31:38
Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, my son is traumatized, and I've
31:41
Speaker 1: tried to have open conversations with him, and just just
31:44
Speaker 1: so he's not traumatized, do you think sitting down and
31:50
Speaker 1: having a face to face conversation with his parents would
31:52
Speaker 1: be beneficial. I think that you need to I think, yes,
31:55
Speaker 1: I think you're on the defense and you have every
31:57
Speaker 1: I understand why, But I think you need to like
32:00
Speaker 1: or your defenses and come from a place of understanding
32:03
Speaker 1: and love because they're looking at you as a threat
32:06
Speaker 1: and a loss. So like you have to be bigger
32:09
Speaker 1: than that, and you have to go, Okay, these people
32:12
Speaker 1: are scared that they're going to lose their son. They
32:14
Speaker 1: found a bunch of things they don't like about me.
32:16
Speaker 1: Let me make this easier for everybody, you know what
32:19
Speaker 1: I mean, And you be the bigger person who cares
32:21
Speaker 1: how they behaved, who cares how they acted. You can
32:23
Speaker 1: actually make like a blueprint for them moving forward on
32:26
Speaker 1: how you're all going to communicate together. So it is
32:28
Speaker 1: a big opportunity for you to be a bigger person
32:32
Speaker 1: and to actually come from your heart, not being defensive,
32:35
Speaker 1: not trying to get rid of him before he gets
32:37
Speaker 1: rid of you, or get rid of him before his
32:39
Speaker 1: family gets rid of you, because that's not really anything.
32:43
Speaker 1: You know, then you might just be losing somebody that's
32:45
Speaker 1: supposed to be in your life. If you put the
32:47
Speaker 1: effort forth, coming from a place of love, and then
32:50
Speaker 1: it doesn't work out, then you have no regrets and
32:53
Speaker 1: you have nothing to be ashamed about, nothing at all
32:55
Speaker 1: to be ashamed about. And the most disarming thing is
32:58
Speaker 1: coming at people with love, because I always say to
33:01
Speaker 1: my daughter's tug of war only works if both people
33:04
Speaker 1: are pulling. And it's so disarming to sort of say,
33:07
Speaker 1: all right, I'm going to own my part in this.
33:10
Speaker 1: But when you these conversations, I've learned not to say
33:15
Speaker 1: you made me feel like this, you did this. I say,
33:18
Speaker 1: when you said that, all of this insecurity came up
33:22
Speaker 1: in me, and I'm so sorry if if I haven't,
33:26
Speaker 1: I didn't know that was the proper I didn't know
33:29
Speaker 1: that's what you wanted. And I'll always you know. And
33:31
Speaker 1: it's once you give them the littlest thing, like you know,
33:35
Speaker 1: i'd love to help you in the kitchen. I didn't.
33:37
Speaker 1: I didn't think whatever did. The reason is then you're
33:40
Speaker 1: you've lowered the frenetic, like you said, the tenor of
33:44
Speaker 1: the whole communication, and then you can say, you know,
33:48
Speaker 1: I'm not trying to steal your son. I love this,
33:51
Speaker 1: you know, family, or whatever you have to say. But
33:53
Speaker 1: I do think that once you come at it from
33:55
Speaker 1: a place like Telsea said, of love. Nobody can fight
33:59
Speaker 1: against that. There's no nothing to fight against. Now, they
34:03
Speaker 1: may not be the kind of arrived people emotionally that
34:07
Speaker 1: will be able to handle it. You kind of have
34:09
Speaker 1: to be ready for that too, you know. And then
34:11
Speaker 1: you're like, look, I'm not I'm not trying to fight
34:13
Speaker 1: with you. I'm trying to understand because I felt hurt
34:19
Speaker 1: and I felt embarrassed in front of my son. And
34:22
Speaker 1: this is an important moment. You know, we were on
34:25
Speaker 1: a vacation. That's a very intimate thing, and I don't
34:28
Speaker 1: want that to be the memory from this. Can we
34:30
Speaker 1: move through this and can we have an open conversation
34:34
Speaker 1: so that we can all own this and own our
34:37
Speaker 1: truth without hurting each other. Yeah, it's such a good perspective. Yeah. Yeah,
34:44
Speaker 1: it's the harder thing to do. It's the high road,
34:46
Speaker 1: you know, but it's so admirable and it's so freeing because,
34:52
Speaker 1: like Chelsea said, then there's zero regret and also there's
34:55
Speaker 1: no defense in like, you know, if she's defensive, if
34:57
Speaker 1: the sisters defensive, if the mother's defensive, you don't match
35:00
Speaker 1: that defensiveness. The only way to diffuse that is to
35:03
Speaker 1: have no reaction to that. Right, So if someone's screaming
35:06
Speaker 1: at you and you're not screaming back at them and
35:08
Speaker 1: you're just looking at them, then where do they go?
35:10
Speaker 1: But they that situation just diffuses. It has to because
35:14
Speaker 1: you can't yell alone. So like that's where I would
35:17
Speaker 1: say to you know, to go to mentally when you
35:20
Speaker 1: have this conversation, and should be in person, and it
35:22
Speaker 1: should be with the whole family because they owe you
35:24
Speaker 1: that for putting you in that situation in the first place,
35:26
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And also I think that
35:29
Speaker 1: he obviously these are two very strong women in his life.
35:34
Speaker 1: Was that his dad there and dad weren't on the
35:37
Speaker 1: raft with us, they were back at the camp site.
35:39
Speaker 1: Oh okay, but yeah he was there. So see I
35:42
Speaker 1: wonder if that's the dynamic that has been set since
35:45
Speaker 1: he was a little boy. You know, you've got these
35:47
Speaker 1: two demonstrative women, then he always is silenced or his
35:52
Speaker 1: masculinity is is not you know, important, or he watches
35:55
Speaker 1: how his mother treats is dead or whatever that is.
35:58
Speaker 1: Like that's the stuff that that's coming up and hopefully
36:01
Speaker 1: will be dealt with in therapy. But what's really hard
36:04
Speaker 1: to do is to put him and also in a
36:06
Speaker 1: position like saying why didn't you stick up for me?
36:09
Speaker 1: That's also a defensive you know, that's also very difficult
36:12
Speaker 1: because if he doesn't know how to stick up for
36:15
Speaker 1: himself and probably never did as a child or with
36:18
Speaker 1: these women, it doesn't matter how much he loves you,
36:20
Speaker 1: it's gonna he doesn't have the tools yet. He hasn't
36:24
Speaker 1: learned how to stick up for yourself. Vote with love,
36:27
Speaker 1: and remember if that's his blueprint for women, like you're
36:30
Speaker 1: also that woman in his life, another strong willed, powerful woman.
36:35
Speaker 1: So remember that when you're dealing with him, because you
36:38
Speaker 1: want to have your own dynamic with him, so that
36:41
Speaker 1: there's also value in dissecting that in therapy with alone
36:44
Speaker 1: and with each other. Oh my gosh, he's never really
36:48
Speaker 1: uncovered any truths about his past until recently. So while
36:51
Speaker 1: I'm like repairing from what happened on the camping trip,
36:54
Speaker 1: he's repairing from all all these years of trauma and
36:58
Speaker 1: from his childhood unlearning things that he learned as a kid. Yeah. Wow,
37:03
Speaker 1: that kind of patience is huge. And and you know,
37:07
Speaker 1: I've found in relate my relationships that I'm always better
37:11
Speaker 1: off if I somehow give them the space to have
37:17
Speaker 1: whatever and without being the one that says you have
37:20
Speaker 1: to do this and I want this, and because you
37:23
Speaker 1: can do all that. By the way, the fact that
37:24
Speaker 1: he's going to therapy with you is huge, huge, Yeah,
37:29
Speaker 1: it is huge. And I think that that's where you
37:34
Speaker 1: guys can heal, you know, I think in that together
37:37
Speaker 1: and that's just yours. That's nothing that's not his family. Yeah. Yeah,
37:42
Speaker 1: we did make the decision this year. I was going
37:45
Speaker 1: to ask you, So, my birthday is the day after Christmas.
37:49
Speaker 1: His birthday is on the thirtieth, and every year on
37:52
Speaker 1: Christmas Eve, we go to his uncle's house for this
37:54
Speaker 1: big Christmas Eve thing. His sister and his nephew go
37:57
Speaker 1: and his mom and dad and just kind of an
37:59
Speaker 1: intimate MS Eve thing. We made the decision not to
38:02
Speaker 1: go just because his sister is going to be there.
38:05
Speaker 1: It was hard, but we made the decision. So I
38:08
Speaker 1: was listening to him one day, we were on our
38:10
Speaker 1: lunch break and he got emotional talking about not going
38:13
Speaker 1: to Christmas Eve. So I'm like, what, I'm going to
38:15
Speaker 1: throw a surprise party for him. I've got to do
38:17
Speaker 1: something for him, Like I gotta. I've got to repair this.
38:20
Speaker 1: He's upset. So I texted his mom and I said,
38:23
Speaker 1: I'd love to throw a surprise party on the thirty,
38:27
Speaker 1: on his birthday. I'd love for you guys to be there,
38:29
Speaker 1: if you could bring his nephew, and if you could
38:32
Speaker 1: reach out to his uncle's as well to come, I
38:35
Speaker 1: would love that. And they said what his mom's response was,
38:39
Speaker 1: this puts us in an uncomfortable position because they wouldn't
38:43
Speaker 1: want to bring the sun without his mom. They're basically
38:46
Speaker 1: his sister, and I understand that for sure, but but
38:50
Speaker 1: now I'm like, well, since I was shot down, that
38:54
Speaker 1: was kind of embarrassing because I've put myself out there
38:57
Speaker 1: that you're being defensive. Again, you're being defensive, but also
39:00
Speaker 1: you put yourself out there in a way that's very hard,
39:04
Speaker 1: because what that is, that's almost like you're doubling down
39:08
Speaker 1: by going, oh, yeah, well I'm going to throw this
39:10
Speaker 1: party for him. That's not and then but putting them
39:13
Speaker 1: in a position where they're not going to invite their
39:14
Speaker 1: own daughter. So that's not correct what you did. Okay,
39:18
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be very honest with you, obviously, because I
39:20
Speaker 1: can't be anything else but I think you were really
39:22
Speaker 1: coming from a place where you have to adjust a
39:25
Speaker 1: little bit now to these people definitely have adjustments to make,
39:28
Speaker 1: but you need to adjust because you're putting them in
39:30
Speaker 1: a position where they have to leave out their daughter
39:32
Speaker 1: for their son's birthday. Paraty. Think about that. That's not
39:35
Speaker 1: cool for you to do to a family, and that
39:38
Speaker 1: is a disruption to a family. And if the most
39:40
Speaker 1: generous thing you can do is send his mother at
39:43
Speaker 1: text back and say, you know what, okay, I understand
39:46
Speaker 1: that this puts you in a difficult position. He's very
39:48
Speaker 1: upset about missing Christmas Eve. Either agree to go with
39:52
Speaker 1: him and go together and bury the hatchet and send
39:56
Speaker 1: everyone an email beforehand saying this is such an important
39:59
Speaker 1: holiday for your boyfriend and I want to be there
40:02
Speaker 1: for him, and I just want to be there in
40:03
Speaker 1: support and love and I don't want to have any
40:06
Speaker 1: issues or any problems. However you want to say it
40:09
Speaker 1: in the most gracious way you can find unearthed all
40:13
Speaker 1: of the therapy that you have gleaned and use it
40:16
Speaker 1: and give it out right now, and and then go
40:18
Speaker 1: to this Christmas Eve dinner if you can, if not
40:20
Speaker 1: let him go without you you know, let him be
40:23
Speaker 1: with his family. Don't take people's families from them. You know,
40:26
Speaker 1: I definitely don't want I don't want it to be
40:29
Speaker 1: my decision at all, right, but just offered up. I'd
40:32
Speaker 1: stay offered up. And I was gonna say that early.
40:34
Speaker 1: I was just trying to ease do it. But I
40:38
Speaker 1: think the best thing you can do for him and
40:41
Speaker 1: for yourself is to go to now. I don't I
40:44
Speaker 1: don't believe they've uninvited you. I'm assuming not, but to
40:48
Speaker 1: go and kill him with kindness and whatever it is.
40:53
Speaker 1: I'm sorry I didn't help you in the kitchen. I
40:55
Speaker 1: know holidays are really stressful. I wasn't thinking properly jump
40:59
Speaker 1: in the kitchen and be like I'm cleaning all the
41:02
Speaker 1: dishes or without making it a thing, but saying like
41:04
Speaker 1: I apologize, What can I do to help? Yeah, you
41:06
Speaker 1: don't even have to bring up the dishes. Just go
41:09
Speaker 1: there this time and help and do all the things
41:11
Speaker 1: that they accused you of. Just go in there. You
41:14
Speaker 1: don't have to make it a thing and have a conversation,
41:16
Speaker 1: just a show by example that you heard what they said,
41:19
Speaker 1: regardless of how they came to you, and regardless of
41:22
Speaker 1: the altercation that happened on the boat. You be the
41:24
Speaker 1: bigger person. This is a huge opportunity for you to
41:26
Speaker 1: go in. You were going to leave that Christmas Eve
41:28
Speaker 1: dinner feeling fucking victorious. Yeah, God, I hope so you are.
41:33
Speaker 1: I promise you you are. You're going to report back
41:35
Speaker 1: to us right after. Also, and that's the most loving
41:38
Speaker 1: thing that you can do for yourself and for your boyfriend.
41:41
Speaker 1: And you need to apologize to his mother for putting
41:43
Speaker 1: them in that situation. Also, just say, you know what,
41:46
Speaker 1: I wasn't thinking. You're right. I wasn't thinking that wasn't right.
41:49
Speaker 1: I'm very sorry for doing that, and I apologize, you
41:52
Speaker 1: know what I mean, and then leave it at that.
41:55
Speaker 1: Just then, that's a you put that in a text
41:57
Speaker 1: back to her, you know when she said you're putting
42:00
Speaker 1: us in an uncomfortable situation. Was that a text from her? Yeah,
42:04
Speaker 1: that was a text from his mom. Yeah. I think
42:06
Speaker 1: you should apologize to her, say you're right, I didn't
42:09
Speaker 1: see it that way. I get it now. And then
42:11
Speaker 1: whether you want to text them about showing up for
42:13
Speaker 1: Christmas or talk to your boyfriend and how he wants
42:16
Speaker 1: to handle it. But let him know that you're ready
42:18
Speaker 1: to go and play ball and have a great time
42:21
Speaker 1: and there are no hard feelings and you can deal
42:23
Speaker 1: with the other stuff later. Do you think that I
42:26
Speaker 1: should have a conversation with his sister and I just
42:28
Speaker 1: don't see no confrontation kind of Well, you can send
42:32
Speaker 1: her a text or an email and just say, hey, listen,
42:34
Speaker 1: Christmas Eve is coming up. This is what's your boyfriend's name, Taylor, Taylor.
42:38
Speaker 1: I know we have some stuff, unfinished business or whatever
42:41
Speaker 1: however you want to frame it, but be like, this
42:43
Speaker 1: is the holiday season. I just want Taylor to be
42:46
Speaker 1: with his family and be happy. I know this is
42:49
Speaker 1: meaningful to him. I'm going to do my best to
42:52
Speaker 1: show up for you, guys in the ways that you
42:54
Speaker 1: don't think I have or whatever. Just you know what
42:57
Speaker 1: I mean, vastly in the whole situation, and then go
42:59
Speaker 1: in there and demonstrate the fact that you heard what
43:02
Speaker 1: they said and you're you're still in therapy. You guys
43:05
Speaker 1: have all the time in the world to figure out
43:07
Speaker 1: the nuances and the intricacies of how you want to
43:09
Speaker 1: handle this situation. But in the meantime, go and show
43:12
Speaker 1: yourself and make the situation lovely it's a good challenge
43:16
Speaker 1: for yourself. You don't have to get into it with anybody.
43:19
Speaker 1: If anyone says anything untoward towards you, just let it
43:22
Speaker 1: roll over, you know, let it roll off your back.
43:25
Speaker 1: Use it as an exercise. And also you've said more
43:28
Speaker 1: than one time, I don't want it to be my decision. Well,
43:32
Speaker 1: it has to be your decision, but it has to
43:34
Speaker 1: be your decision under the right auspices, you know, with
43:37
Speaker 1: the right heart, because he's in trauma with the all
43:40
Speaker 1: with the whole process and dealing with issues that he's
43:45
Speaker 1: had with his parents or with his mom and his sister.
43:47
Speaker 1: You know, this is not the first time. I'm sure
43:49
Speaker 1: something they have put him in some this position before.
43:53
Speaker 1: He's looking to you also without saying it, to make
43:56
Speaker 1: a decision, but do it because of love, and they
44:00
Speaker 1: won't have anything to fight against. But you know, Chelsea's right,
44:04
Speaker 1: like the actions are going to speak louder than any
44:07
Speaker 1: text any words. Yeah, and I want you to think
44:09
Speaker 1: about it in this way when you go in there.
44:11
Speaker 1: This relationship may work and there are this relationship may
44:14
Speaker 1: not work. But either way they were always going to
44:16
Speaker 1: look back at the Christmas Eve that their son missed
44:18
Speaker 1: and blame the girl that was be the cause of that.
44:21
Speaker 1: So don't be that girl. Go be the girl that
44:23
Speaker 1: actually looked over all of it and said, fuck it,
44:25
Speaker 1: we're coming anyway. I'm a bigger person than this. I'm
44:28
Speaker 1: not gonna let you bring me down. I'm gonna be
44:30
Speaker 1: here to support my boyfriend, and I'm gonna be here
44:32
Speaker 1: and show you what a loving family member I can be,
44:35
Speaker 1: just for now, just so that that's not the memory
44:38
Speaker 1: that any of you have that he missed a Christmas
44:40
Speaker 1: Eve with his family because of some woman, do you
44:42
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Yeah, and your son too. It's
44:46
Speaker 1: really good for your son to see how you've processed
44:49
Speaker 1: this information and see how you show up, see how
44:52
Speaker 1: you show up for yourself, and the graciousness of that
44:57
Speaker 1: is is such a good trait, my god. That Yeah,
45:01
Speaker 1: I really need to stop being stop being defensive and
45:05
Speaker 1: think of these two words grace and dignity. Grace and dignity.
45:09
Speaker 1: Whenever I am dealing with somebody that I want to
45:11
Speaker 1: fucking kill, I think about grace and dignity, and then
45:15
Speaker 1: I just exude that. Oh my god, and yeah, and
45:17
Speaker 1: putting myself in an uncomfortable position is only going to
45:20
Speaker 1: be beneficial for me. You know, nothing bad can come
45:24
Speaker 1: from that. They also, you know that they've put you
45:26
Speaker 1: in a position to It's like they're trying to win, right,
45:29
Speaker 1: and so if you cower away or then pull him away,
45:33
Speaker 1: they've they've won. You know, they've won, and they're right
45:35
Speaker 1: in everything they've said. But if you show them that
45:39
Speaker 1: they're actually not right and this is how and this
45:42
Speaker 1: is why, then there's nothing else. Either there's something much
45:46
Speaker 1: much deeper, and it'll come out or it won't come out.
45:49
Speaker 1: But the important thing is is that you are taking
45:53
Speaker 1: this and saying, wow, I had no idea. Whether you
45:56
Speaker 1: agree with it or not, it's not the point. Yeah,
45:59
Speaker 1: these little gestures like I hurt them in some way
46:03
Speaker 1: and just that, did they ever say that word you
46:06
Speaker 1: hurt me? No? But you know, there were a lot
46:09
Speaker 1: of different things that happened that were said. I don't
46:13
Speaker 1: really remember all of them. I just immediately put up
46:15
Speaker 1: a guard, immediately got defensive, like whoa, whoa, whoa who whoa,
46:18
Speaker 1: Like y'all have never said this to me. And that's
46:21
Speaker 1: kind of what I was focusing on, was the fact
46:23
Speaker 1: that they've never said that to me. But they're saying
46:26
Speaker 1: it now, so now I address it, you know. And also,
46:29
Speaker 1: you know, is this is the way you've really always
46:31
Speaker 1: felt about me. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to do
46:35
Speaker 1: anything to you, and that it was never my intention,
46:38
Speaker 1: and and try not to play like a victim role
46:40
Speaker 1: at all. Just try not to be emotional about it.
46:44
Speaker 1: I understand you have your emotions and you have your
46:46
Speaker 1: right to them, but like, just try to be even
46:48
Speaker 1: and just think about grace and dignity throughout the whole thing.
46:51
Speaker 1: Even if someone says something untoward or unkind or a
46:55
Speaker 1: little you know, slight, you can just look the other
46:57
Speaker 1: way and just not engage, not react. It's not your place.
47:02
Speaker 1: You're just here to support your boyfriend. That's it. Yeah,
47:04
Speaker 1: don't make it about me, right, Yeah, and don't make
47:07
Speaker 1: it a self fulfilling prophecy that you're the gal coming
47:10
Speaker 1: in to keep him from his family. I'm I'm being
47:12
Speaker 1: the bigger person. Yeah, this is this is yeah, And yeah,
47:16
Speaker 1: don't expect like a metal or anything either, Like that's
47:19
Speaker 1: the like, but I've done the altruistic thing, you know,
47:23
Speaker 1: and it's like it's not the way it works, and
47:26
Speaker 1: it's like it's almost like you have to do a
47:28
Speaker 1: random act of kindness. You know, it's a very targeted
47:31
Speaker 1: random act of kindness to snap out of it. My
47:34
Speaker 1: mom used to pay the toll of the car behind
47:36
Speaker 1: us and then just keep driving, and she and I'd say, oh, well,
47:40
Speaker 1: you know, they don't know it's you. And because that's
47:41
Speaker 1: why it's a random act of kindness, you don't pull
47:43
Speaker 1: over on the side of the road and point to yourself.
47:46
Speaker 1: I paid me. You know you're welcome. Yeah, you do
47:49
Speaker 1: it without getting anything back, right, yeah? Yeah, Well Jesse,
47:56
Speaker 1: let us know how it goes, okay, and I will
48:00
Speaker 1: very good luck. Thank you. I think you's your son.
48:02
Speaker 1: It's the best thing to do for your son too. Ye.
48:05
Speaker 1: Conflict resolution, We've been talking a lot about about that,
48:08
Speaker 1: like how kids will see arguments and they don't see
48:11
Speaker 1: them resolved. So but I can't thank you all enough.
48:14
Speaker 1: This was like huge for me, and I'm just I'm really,
48:19
Speaker 1: really really happy that I got to talk to you.
48:21
Speaker 1: All right, Well, good luck with everything, okay, thank you,
48:24
Speaker 1: and keep us posted, okay, thank you, will all right,
48:28
Speaker 1: bye bye bye, Brooke. You're so good at this. Oh god,
48:32
Speaker 1: I've never done anything like this before in my life.
48:35
Speaker 1: I'm sweating. Guys. She took up our whole fucking episode.
48:38
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, this is a serious
48:40
Speaker 1: situation because, you know what, when that call started, I
48:43
Speaker 1: was like same, And once they I realized what they
48:45
Speaker 1: said to her, I'm like, well, wait a second, maybe
48:48
Speaker 1: they have a fucking point, because you know, there are
48:51
Speaker 1: obviously two sides to every story. And then with her defensiveness,
48:54
Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, we're gonna have to spend a little
48:55
Speaker 1: extra time with her because she does need to take
48:57
Speaker 1: it down a notch. Right, Right, if someone showed up
49:00
Speaker 1: at my house, I don't care who they are, and
49:02
Speaker 1: they didn't at least attempt to help with the dishes,
49:05
Speaker 1: it's like one oh one, Yeah, so that's a little
49:08
Speaker 1: bit askew. Right, you don't say, nobody's gonna say, can
49:11
Speaker 1: you come help with the dishes? As a guest, you
49:13
Speaker 1: don't have. That's not their job to ask you. It's
49:15
Speaker 1: your job to get my mom this I was. I
49:17
Speaker 1: was like a kid, kid, like five or something, and
49:21
Speaker 1: I went over to this little rich boy's house and
49:24
Speaker 1: after we were finished eating, I brought my dishes to
49:27
Speaker 1: the sink and the mom called my mom later and said, yes, well,
49:33
Speaker 1: we just wanted you to know that we have people
49:35
Speaker 1: to do that. And so you tell your daughter that
49:39
Speaker 1: she she shouldn't bring her dishes to the sink, and
49:42
Speaker 1: my mother said, well, we don't have people, and don't
49:46
Speaker 1: worry about it because she's never coming over to your
49:49
Speaker 1: house again. Click. She was always like, come on, you
49:55
Speaker 1: gotta do it. It's they're little things go a long way. Yeah. Yeah, seriously.
50:00
Speaker 1: So let's take a quick break and we'll be right
50:02
Speaker 1: back to wrap up with Brooke and Chelsea. And we're
50:09
Speaker 1: back to wrap up with Bookshield, who has been a
50:12
Speaker 1: delight as Oh my god, good advice. Brook. I mean,
50:16
Speaker 1: that was our longest call ever, I think, Catherine, but
50:19
Speaker 1: it was complicated. Well, I'm kind of both. No, I'm
50:24
Speaker 1: I was down for it. Listen, I could have been
50:25
Speaker 1: on the phone with her all day. I'm I'm down
50:27
Speaker 1: with that totally. Well, you know what, Brooke, do you
50:31
Speaker 1: have any advice you'd like from Chelsea? Yes? Brooke, do
50:33
Speaker 1: you have any advice you would like to ask me? Well,
50:36
Speaker 1: there was one bit of advice that I was like,
50:38
Speaker 1: because I don't this is really from your special because
50:43
Speaker 1: I'm really bad with any kind of drug, like I
50:46
Speaker 1: can't take anything. And I was like, I'm going to
50:49
Speaker 1: ask her what she thinks would work for me, to
50:52
Speaker 1: sort of dial me down a little bit every once
50:54
Speaker 1: in a while so that I could relax a little more. Yeah, honestly,
50:58
Speaker 1: I don't think you're I don't think you're cut out
51:00
Speaker 1: for drugs either. I think I know what you mean.
51:02
Speaker 1: I know. I mean, like I hate of a joint
51:04
Speaker 1: would be fine for you, not inedible because those are
51:07
Speaker 1: like long, but like just a hit, not a joint,
51:10
Speaker 1: but just a hit would just take the edge off
51:11
Speaker 1: and make you a little bit loosey, goosey and giggly
51:14
Speaker 1: and not probably as tightly wound as you may feel,
51:17
Speaker 1: because I can. I know you and I you've talked
51:19
Speaker 1: about it, and you know I feel tightly wound a
51:21
Speaker 1: lot of the times too, even though people would not
51:23
Speaker 1: find that hard to believe. I am, you know, I
51:26
Speaker 1: can be really stressed out about stuff, and I find
51:28
Speaker 1: a hit of a joint, not a smoking a joint,
51:31
Speaker 1: a cannabis drink would be good too. I'll send you
51:33
Speaker 1: some leisure town here. So you know what I do, though,
51:35
Speaker 1: is I try to beat it, like I try to
51:38
Speaker 1: win at it. So the moment where you go, wait
51:42
Speaker 1: a minute, did I did I just go somewhere Now
51:44
Speaker 1: I'm back? That makes me like panic. I know, you
51:48
Speaker 1: can need to have like less than two and a
51:49
Speaker 1: half milligrams. You need leisure Town. This is a cannabis
51:52
Speaker 1: drink that has two and a half milligrams. You have
51:54
Speaker 1: to start with that and it just micro dose and
51:57
Speaker 1: that's it and that's all you need and you will
52:00
Speaker 1: feel it and you won't get crazy and you won't
52:02
Speaker 1: go overboard. Okay, I mean I like tequila. You do,
52:06
Speaker 1: like there's nothing wrong with drinking. You don't have a
52:09
Speaker 1: drinking problem. Books, you don't have to worry about becoming
52:11
Speaker 1: your mother. That's already a rap, Like You're not that person, right.
52:16
Speaker 1: I do have one question, though, this is a different
52:18
Speaker 1: type of question as a you said you're not an actress,
52:23
Speaker 1: but you really your talent and your performance, the level
52:28
Speaker 1: of rejection that is in this industry, Yes, how do
52:33
Speaker 1: you find the way to say no, I'm I'm really
52:38
Speaker 1: good and I'm going to keep putting myself out there
52:41
Speaker 1: and I'm not going to take it personally, you know,
52:43
Speaker 1: when you get doors slammed in your face, or you
52:46
Speaker 1: don't get so many of these things. What's the thing
52:49
Speaker 1: inside you that makes you say no, no, no, no no, no,
52:52
Speaker 1: no, no no, nope, nope, nope. I will not be rejected
52:55
Speaker 1: like this. I'm a hustler. God, that's me too, And
52:59
Speaker 1: you're always gonna your been here this whole time. So
53:01
Speaker 1: you've been here for thirty something years forty well for you,
53:04
Speaker 1: I don't even know how many years because I started
53:07
Speaker 1: when I was eleven months old, right, Okay, there you go,
53:10
Speaker 1: and so you've been here this whole time, so you're
53:12
Speaker 1: not going anywhere, so funk. Anybody who says no, listen,
53:15
Speaker 1: rejection fucking sucks. I've rejected all the time too. It hurts,
53:19
Speaker 1: it hurts, It hurts, it hurts, But it's not all
53:20
Speaker 1: there is. There's always there's acceptance, and there's the one
53:23
Speaker 1: person that says yes, or the one person that gives
53:25
Speaker 1: you the deal or the opportunity or the podcast or
53:28
Speaker 1: this or that. And when you're a hustler, you will
53:30
Speaker 1: always find a way. So that's what you are. That's
53:33
Speaker 1: why I've lived my life. And you know, people will
53:37
Speaker 1: say to me, oh, you have such a varied career.
53:39
Speaker 1: I'm like, why do you think that is. That's when
53:42
Speaker 1: I'm shut out over here. I'm like, oh, God, write
53:45
Speaker 1: a book or you know. And it's because I will
53:49
Speaker 1: not not be creative in some way or another. I
53:52
Speaker 1: just I hadn't heard you say it that way. I've
53:56
Speaker 1: always when people say how are you, I say, it's
53:59
Speaker 1: all soul, no matter what, it's all hustle. And there's
54:04
Speaker 1: something liberating about that too. So you know what. Also,
54:07
Speaker 1: I'm proud of being a hustler. That's a great way
54:11
Speaker 1: to be. Yeah, my mom would be proud of both
54:14
Speaker 1: of us. Well, thank you Brooks so much. It was
54:16
Speaker 1: such a fun time talking to you. Thanks for taking
54:19
Speaker 1: the time to do this. Thank you. You look like
54:21
Speaker 1: you're in a beautiful, snowy place. I hope you're in
54:24
Speaker 1: apecial place whatever that is, and enjoying the weather. Thank you,
54:28
Speaker 1: Thank you. I am good, feel better. Thank you so much.
54:32
Speaker 1: Have a great day. Thank you. Don't forget to watch
54:35
Speaker 1: my special on Netflix. You guys revolution. It's a revolution.
54:39
Speaker 1: So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us
54:42
Speaker 1: an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.
54:46
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea is a production of I Heart Radio executive
54:50
Speaker 1: produced by Nick Stump, produced by Catherine Law and edited
54:53
Speaker 1: and engineered by Brad Dickert.