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21: When Your Dream Dies (with Katie Walter Easley) · Finding God at Work

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(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Hi, I'm Chris.
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This is Finding God at Work.
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Just a reminder that Finding God at Work
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isn't just a podcast.
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It's also an online course.
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Check it out at findinggodatwork.org.
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Our current series is Divine Disappointments, Facing Pain
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and Sorrow at Work.
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And today I'm really excited about the guest
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that we have with us who can introduce
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herself.
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I'm Katie Walter Eesley, your wife.
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You are my wife.
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I'm so glad about that.
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In case you didn't know.
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In case I didn't know.
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Yes.
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Welcome to the podcast.
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Thank you.
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And for our listeners who may not know
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you, how would you describe yourself in say
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four words, four adjectives?
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Quiet and contemplative.
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Is that one?
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That's two.
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Can that count as one?
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Sure.
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Bonus.
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Nurse practitioner.
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That's a noun.
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Crazy cat lady.
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Crazy is an adjective.
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And married to you.
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Okay.
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So I think we got quiet slash contemplative,
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crazy, married, and does nurse count as an
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adjective in the phrase nurse practitioner?
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Yes.
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Something like that.
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Okay.
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That's it.
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I think that's a pretty, pretty on the
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spot self-description.
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Also not very good at following rules or
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counting.
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You're really good at counting though.
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You have to count medications all the time.
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You're good at doing that.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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So for listeners, in case you didn't hear
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our last episode and the final few episodes
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of the series here, we're kind of doing
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a series within the series about the life
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of Joseph and sharing a little bit more
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about our story, Katie and my story as
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well, which is why Katie's joining us.
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So thanks for being here today.
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Thanks for having me.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So first we're going to talk about the
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life of Joseph from Genesis.
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Then we'll kind of pivot back and talk
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a little bit about me and Katie.
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So in our last episode, we talked about
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how Joseph in the book of Genesis had
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this dream, a couple of different dreams that
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were given to him by God since that
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he would eventually be exalted to a place
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of high honor, but he seemed to be
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pretty immature in the way he spoke about
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those dreams and his brothers were not such
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a fan of him.
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That leads straight into today's passage where Joseph's
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brothers decide to do something about their dislike
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of him.
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So this is starting in Genesis chapter 37,
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verse 17.
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So Joseph went after his brothers and found
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them at Dothan.
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They saw him from afar, and before he
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came near to them, they conspired against him
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to kill him.
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They said to one another, here comes this
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dreamer.
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Come now, let us kill him and throw
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him into one of the pits.
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Then we will say that a fierce animal
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has devoured him and we will see what
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will become of his dreams.
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But when Reuben heard it, he rescued him
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out of their hands saying, let us not
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take his life.
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And Reuben said to them, shed no blood,
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throw him into the pit here in the
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wilderness, but do not lay a hand on
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him, that he might rescue him out of
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their hand to restore him to his father.
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So when Joseph came to his brothers, they
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stripped him of his robe, the robe of
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many colors that he wore, and they took
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him and threw him into a pit.
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The pit was empty.
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There was no water in it.
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Then they sat down to eat and looking,
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they saw a caravan of Ishmaelites coming from
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Gilead with their camels bearing gum, balm, myrrh,
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and on their way to carry it down
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to Egypt.
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Then Judah said to his brothers, what profit
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is it if we kill our brother and
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conceal his blood?
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Come, let us sell him to the Ishmaelites
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and let not our hand be upon him,
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for he is our brother, our own flesh.
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And his brothers listened to him.
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Okay, so hopefully you haven't had to face
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this kind of violence in your own family.
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We got some brother to brother tension, kind
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of getting to a boiling point here where
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Joseph's brothers decide to kill him.
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Reuben really doesn't want him to get killed,
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kind of intervenes and says, let's not kill
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him.
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We can be thankful for that.
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But then their second best option led by
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the brother Judah is to sell him into
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slavery.
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So still not a great option.
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And this is what happens to Joseph.
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He's sold into slavery.
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He goes down to Egypt.
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His brothers tell his father Jacob that he
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had been mauled by a wild animal and
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Jacob believes that story.
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And what happens when he gets to Egypt?
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Skipping ahead to chapter 39, starting in verse
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1.
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Now Joseph had been brought down to Egypt
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and Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh, the captain
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of the guard, an Egyptian, had bought him
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from the Ishmaelites who had brought him down
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there.
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The Lord was with Joseph and he became
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a successful man and he was in the
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house of his Egyptian master.
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His master saw that the Lord was with
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him and that the Lord caused all that
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he did to succeed in his hands.
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So Joseph found favor in his sight and
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attended him and he made him overseer of
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his house and put him in charge of
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all that he had.
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Okay, so Joseph is in a really tough
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spot.
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He sold into slavery.
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It doesn't look like this dream that he
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has is going to come true at all.
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But then even in the middle of that,
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the Lord is with him and he ends
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up coming to a place of influence, at
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least in his local context, in the house
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of this official named Potiphar.
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So we'll get a little bit further into
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the Joseph story in our next couple episodes.
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But for now, I just want to focus
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on how this is a really dramatic interruption
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to his dream.
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And he thought that he was going to
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come to this role of prominence, probably within
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the patriarchal context of living with his family,
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but instead his family turns against him and
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he's isolated, he's alienated, he's literally enslaved.
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It doesn't look like the dream is going
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to go anywhere.
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And that's an experience that connects a little
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bit to my and Katie's story as well.
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So we got married in 2013.
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We were very young.
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Katie was not quite a teenager.
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She did turn 20 before the wedding.
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She was what?
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You turned 25 weeks before the wedding?
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Something like that.
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Something like that.
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Six weeks?
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So mature.
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No.
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Yeah.
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20.
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Yeah.
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So I did not marry a teenager, let
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the record show.
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But I was 21 and we were, you
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know, well supported by our community as we
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jumped into marriage together but also had a
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lot of growing up to do.
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And some of that growing up really hit
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in about year three of our marriage, so
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2016.
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And some of that had to do with
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Katie's health.
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So Katie, could you just share a little
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bit about what you were going through at
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that time?
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Yeah.
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Well, I guess I would want to start
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with the fact that when we got married
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at the ripe old age of 20 and
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21, we both thought that your dream was
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the way our life was going to go.
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Yeah.
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Like we both assumed we would have kids
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and you would be a pastor and a
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church planner and it would just work out
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great.
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Yes.
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That's what we both thought.
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I thought it would be a smooth road
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to ultimate fulfillment, easy peasy.
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Got the wife part down, next kids and
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pastor and well, it'll be peachy.
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And neither of us had any idea what
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we were in for.
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Yes.
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So I guess where the difficulty started for
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me was finally finding out that I had
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endometriosis, which explained the dreadful monthly churning cycle
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of distress that was starting to take hold
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over my life and over yours as well.
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It affected both of us.
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So really, a week of terrible hormonal depression
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and mental instability followed by a week of
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horrific pain followed by a week of just
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recovering and questioning all of my life choices
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and maybe like one week a month if
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we were lucky of feeling sort of normal.
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And it just got worse and worse and
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worse.
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Yeah.
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And during that one week, just being anxious
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for the cycle to start over again.
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Yeah.
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And going through it all over again.
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So that was a really debilitating time for
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you.
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It was also kind of a distressing time
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for me as I kind of had to
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step into this caregiver role, which I wasn't
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used to and hadn't anticipated.
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Yeah.
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You really off-roaded your life to be
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present for me.
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And that was hard for me.
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And some of that was that immaturity of
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assuming that I was going to have this
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easy peasy path to ministry.
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I was very involved in ministry activities.
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I think at one point, as your symptoms
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were getting worse, but before we really had
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our kind of come to Jesus conversation, I
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was involved in like something every night of
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the week, I think.
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Like I was in seminary, so I was
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doing seminary class on one night, and then
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I was in a small group on another
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night, and then I was at a Bible
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study at a different church on the third.
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And it was just like, I just like
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was not home very much.
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You were very active.
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Yes.
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And I was very not.
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Well, you were, I mean, you were still
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in school yourself at the time.
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Well, yeah.
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You managed to work really hard even through
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that health crisis.
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But we did have this kind of come
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to Jesus moment where you basically said like,
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Chris, you got to show up for me
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here.
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Like you can't just be out doing ministry
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stuff all the time.
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Was that our guacamole conversation?
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That was the guacamole conversation.
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Yeah.
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We were supposed to go to the Cinco
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de Mayo party hosted by my boss, Steve.
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And we argued on the way there.
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We were walking, and it was such a
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bad argument.
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We just walked home and never went to
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the party.
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But we were bringing guacamole.
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But yes, Katie had made delicious guacamole, and
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she was carrying it, and I was carrying
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the El Milagro, fame is in the name
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and quality is in the product, tortilla chips
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while we had this messy fight.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So, so that was a really important conversation,
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even though it was messy, it did kind
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of lead to a reevaluation of all the
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ministry stuff that I was engaged in.
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And I had to grow up a lot
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in terms of learning how to set boundaries,
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and how to be present to you, and
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how to realize that being present to you
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was just as important, actually more important than
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any of the other ministry stuff that I
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was doing.
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But at the same time, you were having
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a really hard time with church community in
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the middle of that crisis, too.
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Yeah, well, it's all kind of wrapped up
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in several things.
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So, I mean, we thought it was bad
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enough with the health crisis.
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But it got worse, because amidst all that
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distress, I reached for what was familiar, which
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was an eating disorder that I had developed
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when I was a teenager, never really got
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it treated, never really sought help for it.
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And so when you're in distress, you reach
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for the things you know.
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And that was really what I knew to
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do at that moment.
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And it became clear pretty soon that if
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we didn't get intervention, this was a pattern
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that would kill me with time.
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So got treatment for eating disorder recovery, which
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was its own brand of intense.
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And then in the midst of all that,
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it just really, I don't know, having trouble
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with all of the relationships in my life,
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with people, with God.
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Yeah, yeah.
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And it was a really intense season in
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terms of the number of times you went
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through different treatment programs.
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You had several rounds of like outpatient intensive
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therapy, which was really helpful.
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Yeah, it was one of the hardest things
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I have ever done.
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And it was 500% worth it.
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Because really what you're doing, if you're recovering
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from something like an eating disorder or any
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other addictive pattern, is you are dismantling one
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destructive coping mechanism, and then gradually relearning healthy
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ways to cope with your life and everything.
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And that's something that can only come through
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lots of tedious practice in the face of
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suffering.
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And there really was a lot of pain
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in that process.
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It was a healing process.
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But also it was really hard to go
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through for you and for me, when I'm
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coming alongside you.
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I think about like, it's almost like a
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bone that had healed the wrong way and
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then had to be broken so that it
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could heal again.
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Yeah.
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What was that like for you?
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Well, it was, I think it was hard
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for me because I, not just to see
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you in pain and to care about you
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and what you were going through, but also
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to feel like my grand plan for life
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was falling apart, right?
12:56
Because the physical condition was gynecological, we weren't
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getting pregnant.
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It didn't seem like we were going to
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have kids as soon as I had thought.
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Yeah, that became not on the top of
13:09
our goal list.
13:10
Right.
13:10
Yeah, because we were just focused on like,
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okay, how do we stabilize Katie?
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How do we help her get to a
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place of health?
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But then as you kind of went through
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that, like breaking the bone to reset it,
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process with all of your coping mechanisms, part
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of what broke there was your way of
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being present in the church.
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Like before you had a way of kind
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of showing up at church, but how would
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you describe that earlier version of your relationship
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with the church?
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You know, I think it was very much
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like the conditions under which we got married.
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We thought it was peachy and it worked
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and this is the way it was going
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to be and it made sense.
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And I guess radically deconstructing the way I
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related to life included really hitting a hard
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reset on the way I related to the
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church and to important people in my life
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and realizing that I had never really had
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a stable and solid connection with the church
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ever to begin with.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And so I had nothing to support me,
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nothing to grab onto as I was flailing
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in this confusion.
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And in future episodes, we'll get to kind
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of the long-term journey of what came
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out of that.
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But at the time, the way I perceived
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that was just like Katie didn't know how
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to be at church anymore.
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Well, that was true.
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Yeah.
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And I had no sense of there being
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a different version or option or opportunity in
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the future.
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I just felt like it was like sand
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running through my fingers like, oh my gosh,
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I'm not having kids and now my wife
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doesn't even like the church and what does
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that mean for me?
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It was a really, really hard season.
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So for me, especially in terms of my
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vocation, I think for you in some ways
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with your whole life, it was like the
15:06
death of a dream.
15:07
It was a sense of like, things are
15:09
just falling apart around us and we have
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no idea where they're going to go.
15:13
Yeah.
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I think I was so unstable that I
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didn't really necessarily have a dream at that
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point.
15:19
So it just felt like everything was falling
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apart.
15:22
Yeah.
15:23
In some ways, maybe easier for me to
15:27
just live in the now, whereas you on
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the other hand, had these dearly held dreams
15:34
and aspirations that were getting pushed farther and
15:37
farther away.
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Yeah.
15:39
Yeah.
15:40
So in a way, that was our journey
15:43
through the desert into Egypt and Potiphar's household.
15:46
But the one thing I do want to
15:47
add is just like the Lord being with
15:50
Joseph in Potiphar's household, I remember those years
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and I see so many good things that
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happened in those years, even though they were
15:56
so hard.
15:57
Like good things in your life, you learning
16:00
to name what was going on for you
16:02
emotionally.
16:03
Like figuring out emotions.
16:05
Yes.
16:05
And the mind-blowing fact that you can
16:08
actually experience two emotions at the same time,
16:11
like that was revolutionary.
16:13
Yeah.
16:14
And for me also, even though it was
16:16
a season of vocational crisis, I was really
16:18
well cared for in that season by our
16:21
church.
16:22
And I still was able to be present
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at church, even while you were still figuring
16:26
out what that looked like.
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Well, and I'm so thankful for that because
16:29
they were able to be there for you
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when I was not.
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Yeah.
16:33
I mean, I really wasn't the person you
16:35
had married.
16:38
And you stuck it out with me.
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Yeah.
16:40
And I stuck it out because I had
16:41
a community around me helping me figure out
16:43
how to love you and how to care
16:45
for myself and my sense of priorities better
16:47
in terms of caring for my soul before
16:49
the Lord, caring for our marriage, and then
16:51
thinking about, okay, what's the expression of ministry
16:54
that God's giving us in this season?
16:56
I would just put it as you loved
16:58
me.
16:59
Like, that's a pretty like, talky way of
17:02
explaining it all.
17:04
You loved me.
17:05
It is.
17:06
Yeah.
17:06
Well, yeah.
17:07
And still do.
17:09
And I still do.
17:10
Yeah.
17:10
I love you a lot.
17:11
So that's okay.
17:12
We got to wrap up our podcast.
17:14
We're hitting our time here.
17:15
But we are going to continue this conversation
17:18
in the next couple episodes.
17:19
So I'm just going to close out in
17:21
prayer like I normally do.
17:24
Lord Jesus, thank you for this chance to
17:25
talk about what you've done through all the
17:29
twists and turns of Katie and my journey.
17:32
I pray that for any listeners where this
17:34
resonates with some point of what you're doing
17:35
in their lives, that you would be with
17:37
them, just like you were with Joseph, even
17:40
in Egypt, that you would prosper them in
17:43
their efforts, that you would be faithful to
17:45
them.
17:46
Jesus, do your work in us as we
17:47
do our work with you.
17:53
Thanks for listening.
17:54
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