Latest / The Redeemed Backslider / Slow Drift But Still Chosen- Amelia Borja #TRB Episode 60

Transcript

Slow Drift But Still Chosen- Amelia Borja #TRB Episode 60 · The Redeemed Backslider

• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, welcome to the Redeem accelerator.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Kathy Hasting.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: I am a Christian-based psychotherapist and a redeemed accelerator.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: With me today from Stockton is Amelia Borha.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: And she currently lives in Stockton and goes to the Tabernacle of Praise in Mantica.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, she was born and raised in church in um Backslid when she was 20 years old.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: So she is now 39, and um I am really looking forward to hearing her testimony.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: So uh welcome to the podcast, Amelia.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for being here.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, thank you.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you for um reaching out and and um you know extending the invitation on sharing my testimony.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um this is something that I've always known that God was wanting me to share.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: Um, it's something that I've only ever done on a one-on-one basis, like a personal setting.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: And it hasn't been with many people since I've been back in church.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: So um I felt like God confirmed for me that this was something that I needed to do.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Are you feeling okay about it now that you have his confirmation, or is it still difficult?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_02: I am I'm feeling okay about it.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: Um I can't say I'm not a little nervous to 100%.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: Um, there's things regarding my testimony that I haven't shared with many people, if that makes sense.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: Um it does cause you to be vulnerable and transparent when you're sharing, you know.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: And so um that is probably what makes me the most nervous.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_02: And there are things people who do know me personally, even family, will be hearing for the first time.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Well, there's a lot of things that contribute to our fall, I think.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: So um, where would you like to begin?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: You wanna start with your early life in church?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: I can, yes.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Or or wherever you would like to begin is is good for me.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, sounds good.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so as uh as you stated, I was born and raised in church.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: Uh both my parents, they my mom got in church when she was 13 years old, uh, so 1979.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_02: And actually my cousin Robert Rodella, he uh did his testimony uh a few months ago.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, my dad was actually just watching his this morning, and I was reminded, you know, I was listening to it as my dad was watching it, and uh I didn't know he was your cousin.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, so he's my cousin.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: So his dad and my mom are a brother and sister.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: And so his dad is actually the first one that got in church, and then my mom started going to church um when she was 13.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_02: She received the Holy Ghost and got baptized, so they started going to the Modesto church.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_02: Um and my dad started going to church in Escalon first.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: Um I can't remember whose church it was.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: And I I know he grew up with with people that went to church, so that's how he got introduced to it.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know exactly who won him to the Lord.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but I he was he was also saved around that time, around the same time that my mom was in the 70s.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um and then they ended up meeting and they got married in 1983, and then I was born in 1986.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_02: So when they married, they they both began going to the Modesto Church, and it was under uh Pastor Keyes, so Randy Keyes.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_02: And um, so that's uh that's where I came along and they raised me in church.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: Now my dad was often on in church, so he would he would stop going, then he would go again, and then he would stop going.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_02: So growing up, I didn't live in a household where it was very strict or very like we had a TV in the home, you know, for a long for a lot of my childhood, we had a TV in the home and everything, whereas a lot of my friends from church didn't, you know what I mean?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_02: So through this time though, my mom always went to church.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: Like my mom stayed faithful, my mom stayed in church.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and it's her prayers.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: I know that it's her prayers that I'm here where I am today.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but my mom always stayed faithful, and she did her best to be the best example that she could be, you know, and um they never like growing up, they never forced me to go to church though.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_02: Like they they my mom wanted me to go with her, and when my both my parents were going, of course, that we we all went, but during the times and years that my dad was not in church, it I didn't have to go if I didn't want to.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: Um but that was something that I think in a way like I found God on my in my own time.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_02: Does that make sense?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: Like I found God not because it was forced on me, but because like I seen, you know, it was something I desired.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: I got the Holy Ghost and got baptized at 10 years old.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um and after that, like I didn't start like being involved in everything right away.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_02: Um I went to public school still, and I had a lot of friends that were out um that were not in church um because I went to public school, but then um I started going to Christian school when I hit high school.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_02: And at that point I started like going to church camps and stuff.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: Um and I didn't feel like I mean I had church little church friends, you know, um like a small group of church friends, but I was more shy when I was younger.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: So it was about middle school, um junior high age or so is when I started opening up.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: So before I never got involved in like junior camps or anything like that because I was very shy.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I used to stay to myself, I didn't go over people's houses all the time, like staying home, and I like just family, you know.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_02: But it was at the point when I got to maybe like 13, 14 years old when I started going to camps and I started coming out of my shell.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_02: And that is when I really like found my way with I knew that I wanted to live for God at that point.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_02: I fell in love and I knew this was something I wanted.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_02: Like, and again at that point, my parents didn't force me to go to church because this was at a time my dad was backslidden in my teacher.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: So it wasn't like I had to go because I didn't have to if I didn't want to.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_02: And um, but I had I had that desire as I, you know, began to experience God in a real way.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: Um, because like I said, it was even a few years after I had already gotten the Holy Ghost and gotten baptized, um, is when I really knew and fell in love with like the presence of God and like you know, and and all of that.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: And so um that's when I felt like I started like, okay, this is what I want to live for God.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_03: You chose it.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_02: Now it's something that I knew I wanted to do.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: So at that point, that's where I started becoming involved.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_02: I got involved in the youth group, I got involved in music um because I love to sing.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_02: So I got involved in like the youth choir and um the regular choir um and everything.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_02: I started going to youth conventions and youth camps and all of that.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_02: So I began doing all of that, and that and I that's where I started my relationship with God.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_02: I began to learn to pray and what it was to pray and to feel God on my, you know, with without being in an altar, without being at church.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_02: And you know what I mean?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: And I just that's again, that's where I that's where I started to learn this when I would say about 13, 14 years old.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and I'm not gonna lie, I got put into Christian school in ninth grade.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_02: So it was actually very easy, if you say, because I was always around Christian people, I was always around the young people now because they were all the ones that went to school with me, you know.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I was always around um uh all the youth group and stuff.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_02: So at this point, I really didn't have any more friends outside of church because I never kept in touch with my friends from from public school.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_02: So it was, I was very much surrounded by you know, all of the young people, all the people that were at church and everything, and I was heavily involved in church.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_02: So with that being said, it didn't like I never really like struggled with anything, at least I didn't feel like I did in those years.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know what I mean?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and not all of my friends were on fire for God.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_02: I will say that not all my friends were on fire for God or like wanting to live for God the way I wanted to, um, but it still wasn't an issue for me.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_02: Like I didn't feel like I was being pressured to do things that I wasn't supposed to do.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't feel like I was being pressured to, you know, to go places I wasn't going.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_02: I just I had no desire to be completely honest.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: I had no desire to do things that weren't of God at that time, you know, and um that's amazing because that is such the the age where a lot of us did backslide, you know, and and I wonder if it was because you were able to choose, you know, it wasn't forced, it wasn't, you know, you you had your ability to think for yourself and to um examine, if you will, what what you wanted.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: And it sounds like as a kiddo, you were very cautious and and uh careful in your choices.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_02: I was and I an advantage right, and I do 100% like that.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_02: Was my like my parents, like I was raised in a great home, even though my dad didn't go to church all the time, even though he did backslide.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_02: I was raised in a very stable and blessed home, you know.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't experience a lot of the a lot of like traumas as a child, you know.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_02: I had a very blessed childhood.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: I really, really did, and I'm thankful every day for that.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I had a very blessed childhood.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_02: Not saying that that everything was perfect because nobody's life's perfect, right?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_02: Um, my parents had their moments and everything.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but I had a very blessed childhood.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_02: I was well taken care of, it was me and my brothers, just as two.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_02: He's seven years younger than I am.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and we were very blessed, you know, and I got a lot of opportunities because not only did I go was able to go to all the youth camps that I wanted to go to, I was able to go to youth conventions.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_02: We also had missionary or missions trips at that time, missions trips that our church put together.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_02: And so we would go as a youth group every year, and I went to about five missions trips.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_02: So I went to um I went to Mexico two or three times.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and then I went to Costa Rica and I also went to Hawaii.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_02: So I got to go on these missions trips too.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_02: And I mean, it was just phenomenal.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_02: And again, these are things that just solidified what I wanted, you know, like God gave me a lot of confirmation.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and like I knew, I knew that God had his hand on my life, you know, I really, really did.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_02: And in that time, you know, I had I never had a thought in my mind about leaving church or about backsliding.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_02: That was not even like a thought, you know, never crossed my mind because I was like, this is it, this is what I want, you know what I mean?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_02: Um and then in 2006, it's 2000, yeah, 2000 and or 2005, 2006, it was one of those years.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_02: Um I had uh we had been in a service, and I don't know if you know who Sister Vonnie Marshall is.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so Dr.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_02: Vonnie Marshall, her and my husband happened to be guest speakers at our service this particular night.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: And um, as most young people do, we all like to go out after service and you know, go have go eat out and just enjoy fellowship and everything.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_02: And at that time, I had a little Dodge neon.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_02: That was my very first car.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_02: And there was a group, a pretty good-sized group of us that wanted to go, about seven of us that wanted to go out.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: I was the only one who drove.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_02: And so I asked my mom, I said, Mom, can I take your car?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_02: And you take my car because my mom's car was bigger.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_02: And they had like a mini, she had a mini SUV to where I know we shouldn't have done this, but where two people can fit in like the trunk space because it looks um, so I was like, Can we take your car?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_02: Because and we're not only gonna fan my little neon.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, Yeah, Mija, that's fine.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_02: So she took my car, I took her car, and um we went about our way.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_02: My cousin and one of my friends were in the back, and then uh me and another one of my cousins and a few of my girlfriends were in the front part and the actually seated in and ever belted in and everything.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: So we leave the church, we hit the freeway, and we were like the only ones on the freeway, and I see like this box in the road, right?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_02: Like, like, like it looked like it fought maybe fallen off of a truck or something.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_02: And I was probably going 75-80 miles an hour.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_02: So I was speeding to, I'm just exposing myself right now.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm speeding 7580, and I see the box, and instead of going to just run it over, I swerved to miss it, right?
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_02: When I swerved to miss it, my car went out of control, and we ended up flip, like I ended up fish tailing, and I try to overcorrect it because I'm like maybe 19 years old at this time.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_02: So um I overcorrected and um yeah, 18 or 19, and it started fish tailing, and then we hit this the the side divide and it flipped us, and we just like skidded across the freeway.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_02: And again, we were the only ones that I could see, like I couldn't see anybody ahead of us.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_02: I wasn't paying attention to who was behind us.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_02: We're the only ones, but we when we stopped, literally, the my cousin and my friend that were in the trunk space, they were out of the car and just jumped up and were able to get onto the side of the road when it stopped.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_02: All of my other friends were able to crawl out of the car, like none of us were like seriously hurt or injured.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_02: I was stuck in the car because I was the way my seatbelt was, it strapped me in.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_02: So the fire when the fireman came, they had to like cut me out and everything.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_02: At that moment, I had no idea what the car looked like.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_02: No clue.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_02: We got taken to separate hospitals, so a group of us got taken to doctor's hospital in Modesto, because this was all in Modesto, because at the time that's where I lived, and then um a group had gone to Memorial Hospital.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_02: Well, my pastor, Pastor Keys at the time had seen the accident, not knowing it was some of his young people.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_02: And he got word that it was a group of us from you know, young people that were in that accident.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_02: So he him and the marshals, or pastor and sister Keys and the Marshalls went on their way to go have dinner, and instead they came to the hospital.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_02: And my pastor talked to me and he told me, he goes, Amy, he goes, I seen that car, and there was no way anybody should have survived that accident.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_02: And because I hadn't, I didn't pay attention, I hadn't seen it, I didn't know what it looked like or anything.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_02: And so he was talking to me, and Sister Marshall and her husband were there as well.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_02: And I remember Sister Marshall has no idea who I was, you know, other because she her and her husband were just the guest evangelist.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_02: She didn't have any idea who I was.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_02: She walked up to me and she kept my face and she goes, God has a destiny for your life.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_02: God has his hand on your life, and he has a destiny for your life.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_02: And I was just like, I didn't know what to think, or I was just like, man, like I was just emotional, obviously, like super emotional.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_02: And I was just like, man, God, like again, I didn't know what the car looked like, but after my pastor telling me, like, nobody should have survived that accident.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_02: And then her telling me that, and I was just like, man, and God's like, thank you.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_02: Like, and I believed that, like, I did, right?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_02: I believed what she said.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_02: I knew that God kept me alive for a reason.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but at that time, like I had already graduated from high school.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so now I had to find, you know, I didn't, I had started taking some college classes, but to be honest, I didn't have a real direction on what I wanted to do professionally.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_02: Um I didn't have like, oh, I want to be a nurse or a doctor, or you know what I mean?
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't really know, to be honest, what I really wanted to do because like I said, at that time, a lot of my focus and stuff was on living for God.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know what I wanted to do in the world in the real world, right?
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_02: So I kind of was like, man, okay, I've graduated from high school now.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_02: Like, oh, I gotta think about what I want to do now, you know.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_02: So I had started going to school a little bit, um, just taking like general classes in college and stuff.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_02: And then I started working because my parents had gotten me my car, but they were like, we're gonna give you this amount of time, like you have to find a job in this amount of time.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: We're only gonna pay your car payment for you know X amount of months, not it was like, I think six months.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_02: And um, they're like, So you have this time to find a job so you can start paying your car payment.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_02: And again, another reason why I was so grateful for my parents because they didn't just give me what I wanted, they did to an extent, they provided for me, right?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_02: But they also taught me responsibility and taught me that I have to be responsible, right?
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_02: So I just was like, okay, I gotta find a job.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_02: Like I gotta do this so I can pay my car payment because I love driving that car, right?
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and so I did, I started working and I ended up getting a job at uh Target.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's my first job.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_02: I had like little jobs um with like a temp agency prior to them, but it wasn't like stable.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_02: So Target was my first job.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_02: And um now I'm still living for God.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_02: And during this time, like I still was going to a lot of the youth functions.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_02: I loved outreach, like I was very faithful with with going on outreach, and you know, because that was a big thing for me too, is wanting to see, you know, God save souls, and I wanted to just win souls, and I wanted to just I wanted everybody to feel what I felt, right?
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I wanted everybody to feel what I felt, even though I hadn't experienced anything crazy in life at the time.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_02: Like I wanted, I knew.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: That I felt was real and I wanted to like I was always going on outreach and everything, and man, I that dodged me on 2004 dodges neon that I had, I drove that thing to death, driving the young people everywhere, and like because we just did everything, you know.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_02: But once I started working, um, as time went by, uh it because I worked at Target was retail, right?
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_02: So it was retail, and I had to they couldn't honor me not working on Sundays at the time, or if they could, I didn't realize they could.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_02: So I would schedule week, I would get scheduled Sundays, I would get scheduled Wednesday nights, and I knew I had to work, I knew I had to make money, right?
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_02: So that's where I think it it's well, not I think that's where it did start, where it just kind of got easier to miss church because it had to work, right?
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and so thank you so much for watching our podcast through all the last episodes.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: We just finished recording episode 58, and um we've had such wonderful feedback from you and have been able to share many great testimonies of what God has done in the lives of prodigals and um and those who are just coming to the Lord for the first time.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_01: I just wanted to ask if you would prayerfully consider being a monthly sponsor of this ministry.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, or if you're a business and you would like to promote your business on this podcast, if you would like to um partner with us in that way, that would be great too.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we would just really like to do more episodes and we'd also like to do some uh provide some teaching resources to those that haven't yet come back to the Lord or maybe still just watching these testimonies week after week.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: But um we can really use the support, and if you wouldn't mind prayfully considering any donation amount would help$5,$10,$100, one-time gifts, whatever God lays on your heart.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: I know that there's a lot of places asking for money, and I totally understand that.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: I've never really asked for it up until this point.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: So um I thought that maybe I could just make an appeal um and ask if if you would just pray about it.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but more than anything, more than any money that you contribute, more than anything, I would covet your prayers and also that you would share this podcast with those that you might know.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because the more people that we reach, the more seeds are getting planted, and the more someone is connected to a prodigal who hasn't come home yet.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you so much for your time and thank you for tuning in with us.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: We really appreciate it.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: God bless you.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_02: Just I would miss a Sunday here, then I'd miss a Sunday there, and then I'd miss a Wednesday here.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_02: So then it got to the point, and it that's why I say, like, I really had no desire to backslide, like it's not something I ever thought that I would do, to be completely honest.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_02: Never had a desire for it, but because I started missing church, and and then I started developing friendships with my coworkers, right?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_02: And so now these were people that were that were outside before I had only church friends, now I'm developing friendships outside of church, right?
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_02: And so it was like just like kind of it just like happened before I knew it.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_02: I just probably now fast forward.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_02: So the accident must have happened around 2005 because that's about a year later, towards the ending of 2006, is when I felt I was just like not going at all anymore.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's such an important point because um I I think especially with with your statement that it was never your intention.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: You love God, you were in it when it you were, you know, you you chose it.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_01: So the fact that you could be, you know, drawn away and and drift away without being aware that you had drifted is scary.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it happens to a lot of people, and it can happen to anyone just missing church.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: I know, just I travel one weekend a month, and I always, of course, watch on my drive, you know, up north in my drive home.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm always watching church and I watch the replay, but I I'll tell you, when I go back into church on Wednesday after not being there on Sunday, it takes a minute to reacclimate, even though, even though I have a prayer life, even though that that's what I constantly surround myself with.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_01: But being in the building, being in the church, you know, just being with with uh my my the fellow body, it takes a minute to just make that transition after being at work for two days and being away.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I think it's so interesting that you you could say that because I think we all take for granted our determination to live for God and not even realizing we're like that frog in the pot of water that just starts to get hot slowly, slowly.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_02: And so, like I said, before I knew it, I just I wasn't going anymore.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_02: And I still had my I still was very connected to the my friends at church and everything.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but like I said, at the I just had stopped eventually going.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_02: And I didn't get into a lifestyle of like I was, I still really when I first backslid, I wasn't like gung-ho on like cutting my hair or partying or anything like that.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_02: Like I it's not something I like jumped into because I still like I said, with how it happened and everything, it again, it wasn't that I those things weren't the things that drew me away.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right, right.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_02: Those things weren't the things that distracted me and that I was like, oh, this is fun, like so now I don't want to live for God.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_02: No, it wasn't any of anything like that, so I didn't, you know, jump into anything like that right away.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_02: Um I still kept in touch with a lot of my church friends and everything.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but because I wasn't going to church anymore, um at that time I started getting phone calls from people or people telling me like, oh, like I can't hang out with you anymore, or like my parents don't want me to talk to you anymore, or somebody told me I shouldn't talk to you anymore because you don't go to church, and it went from it went from people telling them like hey, you know, you should hang out with Amy.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and so everyone called me Amy growing up.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_02: So my name is Amelia, but everyone called me Amy growing up.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_02: It went from you should hang out with Amy because she's a good example to oh you should you shouldn't hang out with Amy anymore, and you shouldn't no, she's not going to church anymore, it's not good.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_02: You should hang out with her.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_02: And for me, like I was like, but I'm not even doing anything bad.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I just I just haven't been going to church, you know.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_02: And but that's the way you know I was thinking of yeah, I haven't done anything bad, like I still wear skirts all the time.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_02: At that point, I hadn't hadn't cut my hair, you know what I mean?
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_02: And so I was like, yeah, it didn't make sense to you, right?
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_02: And I was just like, oh, like it hurt.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna lie, yeah, it really, really hurt, and that is the point where I was like, I don't know if I ever want to go back now.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_02: That was the turning point for me, yeah, because I felt like I was being turned against and I wasn't at that time.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_02: I blamed, I I just blamed the church in general.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, man, you're like you're gonna just basically turn on me like like that quick, you know what I mean?
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it and it hurt, it really, really hurt.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_02: And at that was the point where my desire completely like went was just like okay, no, like it it was insane how quick the turnaround was once that happened.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_02: And I know that was just the enemy using that, right?
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_02: Because and it worked at that time, but it did work because I was like, no, like if that's how it's gonna be, why do I want to associate myself with that?
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_02: Why do I want to be a part of something and of a church that's gonna turn on you the second that you fall away?
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, right, and so that is where I was just like, all right, like it was crazy, just like kind of like how quick it turned for me.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I was just like, I'm done.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I really don't want anything to do with with the church now, because it just you know, it bored me.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_01: Especially because in your in your heart you you hadn't really left, you hadn't really done any like sin, you know.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_01: So you were not judging yourself.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_01: Probably if you were out doing something, that judgment that you received would have made a little more sense.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_01: So it didn't feel it didn't feel legitimate, you know, like misjudging you.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_01: And we get accused of that a lot.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I think um the generation of backsliders, I mean it's it's been in every generation, but judgment is something obviously many people struggle with, right?
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_01: And and struggle in their coming back.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly, and it is true, and like I said, like it's because at that time I hadn't really done anything other than I wasn't going to church, right?
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_02: But people were telling me, like, oh, well, apparently, like this is what I was being told what I was doing, even though I wasn't doing it.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know what I mean?
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I was people were telling me, like, well, you just go run around now, like you just go do this and you just go do that.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, what?
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_02: Like, and again, this is so this was all stuff, it just it hurt me, it cut me deep.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_02: And again, that's why I was just like, Wow, I don't want anything to do with that now.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I don't want anything to do with the church.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_02: And at this time, my mom's still living for God, you know what I mean?
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_02: And I didn't know how to tell her, like, that I wanted nothing to do with the church, you know what I mean?
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_02: And so I didn't really tell her, I never told her that.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_02: I just was like, like, I'm just gonna do what I'm gonna do now, though.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_02: So that's around the time that I like I started.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_02: I think I was like 20 years old when I pop my first pair of pants.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_02: I cut my dropped my hair off.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and I was just like, yeah, like I'm I'm I'm not going back, you know.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_02: So by 2007, I was I was completely just gone.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_02: And it's crazy because in 2007 I actually found a job with um with American Medical Response, and it was doing medical billing, and they were a Monday through Friday job.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_02: So I mean, I had Wednesday nights free, I had weekends free, but I and and it's crazy because now that I think about it, I'm like, I feel like that's probably why the enemy got in there so quick, because he knew I was gonna find something where it would make allow you to go more available, you know what I mean?
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and I never really thought about that until like talking about it, like because I literally found that where I had all the availability, but by this time I was like, no, like I'm good.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_02: Like I don't, I don't, I don't want anything to do with the church right now, you know.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_01: So I would guess you like like me for sure, I didn't know how to separate my relationship with God from the church.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_01: They were they were not they were interchangeable, you know.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_01: My what I felt at church, what I going to church, that was the Lord, and I I didn't know how to find him outside of church.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_01: So when you walked away, you walked away from him too, not being able to make that distinction.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_02: And it's it's it is very true.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_02: And but in my mind though, you know what's crazy is in my mind, I wasn't like mad at God.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know what I mean?
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I wasn't like mad at God, but like you said, like I just associated like all of that together, but and so I didn't my I didn't keep my relationship with God at all.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_02: Like I just I stopped praying, I stopped reading the Bible, I stopped doing anything that had to do with church because I that was all associated with church for me.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it was so you're right, yeah.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_02: But I still I still had a lot of those morals and those values instilled in me, and I kept a lot of those, even because that's what I was raised in, right?
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so there's still a lot of things that I held dear to me, and I still believed in God, I still believed in God, but I knew that God loved me, but I was just like, no, but I again I just I I didn't want anything to do with the church.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_02: I remember when I was 21, I got my first tattoo, and I remember calling my mom because I was still living at home, and I remember calling my mom and telling her, mom, I want to tell you right now, when I come home, you're gonna see um that I got a tattoo.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_02: Because I didn't want to like blindside her, you know.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that was nice of you.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_02: I still had a lot of respect for my parents.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_02: A lot of respect for my parents, you know.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and I told her like I called her ahead of time and I was like, I'm gonna get one.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_02: So when I come home, you're gonna you're gonna see it.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_02: I just wanted to give you the heads up, you know.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_02: And I remember feeling like feeling like she failed.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_02: Because she didn't she blamed herself for me like losing out with God at the time.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and that hurt me because it wasn't, it's it's not her.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_02: And I told her how to tell her because she's like, Mima, I don't know what I did wrong, you know, because she sees obviously this change, you know, it's pretty quick that she's seeing this change.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, Mia, I don't know what I I don't know what I did wrong, you know.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, mom, you did nothing wrong.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_02: You actually probably did everything right.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you did nothing wrong.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_02: Like what's going on in me and going on with me has nothing to do with how you raised me or how dad raised me.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_02: Like you guys are not to blame.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_02: I had to tell her because she really did take it hard.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, she took it hard when when I stopped going to church and when she started seeing all the changes.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_02: Um because like I said, once I cut my hair and once I started, you know, wearing pants, that's when she knew it was real.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_02: Like before she was just like hoping I would find my way back, and it wasn't like something that was like real.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_02: Because again, I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was completely just done.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_02: So I never voiced that to her.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_02: But as she's seen the changes in me, then she knew.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, like she knew, you know, obviously.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_01: But something was different.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_02: And so I told her, I was like, mom, this this doesn't, this is not a reflection of how you raised me or what you did wrong.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_02: Like you didn't do anything wrong.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, that just I can't explain why I'm going through these things or why this is happening, but this is just what it is right now, basically, you know.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_02: And um probably like between the ages of like 20, 21, 22, I had gotten a lot of my partying and stuff kind of out of my system at that point.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_02: I had partied a lot, still, still stayed safe, made sure like um, I still like made sure I was when I was drinking, I made sure I was I had a driver or that I was somewhere safe or I knew I had people there that I could, you know, uh trust right.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_02: So I still stayed really, really safe, you know, and stuff when I would go out and have fun and and whatnot.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_02: Then around like 22, I kind of had it out of my system already because I I I went through a a year, year and a half where I was partying all the time.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_02: I'm talking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, like, you know, and I was just going hard.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_02: And I mean, I still worked and I still was responsible, but I was just going out and having fun because now I'm like, I'm just gonna have fun.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_02: Like, you know, I'm 22, 23 years old.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_02: I finally mellowed out.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um, at that point, um, I had gone to a place in my life where I was I didn't, I just wasn't into all I would still drink on the weekends like at home or not like with my because I had moved out of uh I had moved out of my parents' house and I had a couple of roommates who are now my best friends, and they've been my best friends for about 20 years now.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_02: And so I moved in with them, and so we had to be like we rented a house and they were my roommates, and so we would like you know drink on weekend and stuff like that.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_02: So I still did drink, but it wasn't anything crazy, wasn't something that that like you were addicted to, yeah, yeah, right.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and now alcohol, alcoholism and stuff does run in my family on my dad's side.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_02: So like my grandpa was an alcoholic, my dad was actually a functioning alcoholic where he did what he had to do, he would go to work every day, he provided for us, but he would come home and he would drink, you know?
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but he would stay in his room and drink like he he wouldn't like um he never like was belligerent with us or anything like that.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_02: There were things that him and my mom dealt with behind closed doors that we didn't always see.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_02: Um but like I said, he was he was he was a functioning alcoholic.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_02: So alcohol alcoholism did run in my family.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_02: But at that time, it wasn't a thing for me.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_02: Like I did drink, but it wasn't where I do too much or anything like that.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and so during this time, like I would visit church, but uh you know, I'd visit with my mom here and there, or like special occasions, Easter, Christmas, holidays, I would go.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_02: But it was like it wasn't, I still wasn't to the point where I'm like, this is what I want to do, you know.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I I don't know at what point though I finally realized that it wasn't the church who hurt me, it was people who hurt me.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_02: I did realize it was Brad Slyton.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_02: I can't remember exactly at what point that was, but I do know that I I did realize that it wasn't the church, it was people, and that's where my mind kind of my thought process changed as well, where I didn't look at the church as such in a bad place, or yeah, I didn't feel anger or bitterness against when I thought about church anymore.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know what I mean?
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think that's where I
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_02: I I started like really remembering like the things that God did in my life before.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_02: And when Sister Bonnie Marshall told me, you know, like God has his hand on your life, things like that.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_02: Um, at that point, I think I that's when it really like hit me again.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_02: Like when I decided to separate the two, that it that people hurt me, not the church.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_02: It made me realize like it wasn't the church, it wasn't God, it wasn't, you know, any of it was just people.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_02: Because people people, right?
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_02: And um again, so uh I like I said, I wasn't doing anything like super crazy.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_02: I just was living my life, to be honest.
• 44:43
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I was still working at American Medical Response.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_02: I worked there for about 10 years, so from about 2007 to or nine years, 2007 to 2016.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and during this time, I would say I had some physical issues going on where I uh maybe around like 2013 or so, I started um my body would just hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, and I got to this place where I didn't want like want to go anywhere because it would hurt when I would walk.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_02: I had um, I've always been a chunky girl, but at this point I was probably at um one of like the highest weights I had been at at that time.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and I had started getting really severe um psoriasis.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_02: So I have eyes, I deal with uh plaque psoriasis.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_02: And at the time I didn't know what it was, and I was like, I just knew that I was hurting everywhere, and like my forehead and stuff would get these red patches, and they were kind of embarrassing because people could see it.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_02: And I would always get asked, like, what is that?
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_02: and like people would look at me like I didn't take care of myself because it was right.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_02: And so um at that point, I ended up finally going to a doctor, and in 2014, I went to a doctor, I got it cleared up, and I ended up losing um quite a bit of weight.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_02: I lost about 100 pounds um between 2013 and 2015-ish or so.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_02: And so I started feeling better.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_02: I started getting like like because at that point my self-confidence was gone, and something I've always had was confidence, even though it's a chunky girl.
• 46:33
  SPEAKER_02: I never really let anybody like I was never bullied, I was never like torn down because I was chubby or you know, a chunky person.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_01: So I never I could hear it.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_01: I I could hear it in in how you relay the stories.
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_01: You were confident, you had you did have a good sense of yourself.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_02: I did, and I I never let anything like really get to me, to be honest.
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_02: We all have insecurities now.
• 46:59
  SPEAKER_02: Don't get me wrong, we all do, and sometimes you know, we don't let those show.
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and but for me, like I never really it didn't get to me until like I had gotten to where I was at my like highest weight and all this stuff physically was going on.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, I'm too young for this.
• 47:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like 20, 25, 26 years old or so.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_02: Like I'm too young to feel this way.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_02: So, like I said, then I I finally I got on medication that helped, I understood what I was going through.
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_02: I finally went to a doctor and understood what my condition was.
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_02: I had medicine to clear that.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_02: So I started I lost weight, I started losing weight, I started getting my confidence back, you know.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_02: And at this point, um in 2014, we found out that AMR was going to be closing their Modesto office.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_02: So they were like, look, we're going to be um closing this office, we're gonna be laying everybody off by March of 2015.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_02: They told us this in October, so they give us time to find new employment.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_02: And when I tell you that God has had his hand upon me, even this through this whole time that I wasn't living for God, I'm telling you, it's God had his hand on my life.
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_02: Even I believe it.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_02: You know, even when I was just doing my own thing.
• 48:19
  SPEAKER_02: So December of 2014, I had a coworker who had left AMR and went to go work for San Joaquin County.
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_02: So she worked at the welfare office in in Stockton.
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_02: And she told me, she goes, Amy, I heard that AMR is gonna be laying people off.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, We're having we have a position open for eligibility worker.
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, I don't even know what that is.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, just apply.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_02: You should apply for it.
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_02: The county's hiring.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, all right.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_02: So I apply in December of 2014.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_02: It's the only place I applied for.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_02: In January of 2015, I had a test to see, you know, because how the county works is they test you, and if you rank well enough, they'll interview you, right?
• 49:04
  SPEAKER_02: So I tested January, I ranked 14.
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_02: I had no idea what that meant at the time.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_02: So in January 2015, I ranked 14 with the county.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_02: Again, I really didn't know what eligibility work was.
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know if it was something I wanted to do.
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_02: March of 2015 comes around.
• 49:21
  SPEAKER_02: This is when I'm supposed to be laid off.
• 49:23
  SPEAKER_02: Comes around, they tell me, hey, we're gonna extend you.
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna extend you through August of 2015.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_02: I said, okay.
• 49:31
  SPEAKER_02: So I said, yeah, like of course, I'm happy about that.
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_02: And then May of 2015 comes around and they reach out to me and they tell me, Amy, we want you to go to India for two uh anywhere from six weeks to eight weeks.
• 49:47
  SPEAKER_02: We will pay you a$500 extra each week to go there.
• 49:51
  SPEAKER_02: But basically, you're gonna go there to train them out there because that's where they were outsourcing was to India.
• 49:58
  SPEAKER_02: So they're like, if you're comfortable, we want to send you to train.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_02: So I was like, okay, a free trip.
• 50:04
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, in my mind, I didn't have kids at the time.
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I don't have any kids, so I don't have kids.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not in a committed, I'm not married, I'm not in a committed relationship, my job is paying for it.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, how can I turn that down?
• 50:18
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_02: So I said, yes, like I want to go.
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_02: I'll go for the whole eight weeks.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_02: And at that point, I would have left in June and came back in August, but the return date was after the date they gave me that they were gonna leave me off.
• 50:33
  SPEAKER_02: So at this point, I knew that I would most likely be extended again.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_02: And I hadn't heard anything from the county.
• 50:40
  SPEAKER_02: So I went out and I left for India and I lived out there for a couple of months, and that was an experience on its own.
• 50:48
  SPEAKER_02: But out there, um, I had started like when I was out there, it I had started drinking, like I was drinking with everybody, you know, and having fun, but then I would drink on my own too.
• 51:05
  SPEAKER_02: And so I don't know what the shift was or like, but I would drink on my own, but it it wasn't out of control at that point, right?
• 51:13
  SPEAKER_02: So I come back, I get back, they do extend me again.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_02: They extend me from August to December of 2015 AMR does.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm like, cool.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_02: So I come back and um I am working from home.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_02: And at that time, my brother, he also wasn't going to church at the time.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_02: But in 2015, when I came back from India, um, we had just moved into uh my parents had just moved in, moved out of our childhood home that we were in for 17 years and moved and had to move and moved into this other place.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_02: And during that time when I came back, um, because I moved back in with my parents when I came back from India, my brother, he went through something where I don't know, he took something.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and I don't know if it was laced, I don't know what happened, but whatever drug he took, it messed with him really, really bad.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_02: And it put him in this place where he was dealing with demons.
• 52:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like my cousin had to come to the house and anoint the house.
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_02: That's actually that happening is what put my dad back on the straight path and put him back in church because of this.
• 52:31
  SPEAKER_02: My brother dealt with like I mean, he fought demonic spirits and he went through, you know, where he was like something spoke out of him.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_02: Like that's what I mean, he was possessed in everything.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and I like I was working from home at the time, and my brother was in a place where once every because he couldn't be by himself during that time, like he was scared of everything, every little noise, like evacuation scared him, everything scared him because he was he he was dealing with this, right?
• 53:09
  SPEAKER_02: He was scared of it, he hadn't he hadn't gotten back in church yet, and he was just in fear.
• 53:20
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, I've never seen anything like this.
• 53:22
  SPEAKER_02: Now I didn't see I didn't see or experience the times where like my dad did when actually when the demon actually spoke through him, and so my uncle and my dad and my cousin, I believe, were the ones who seen that.
• 53:36
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't see any of that, but I seen how scared he was and all the fear and dealing, you know.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_02: I had I still seen that up close and personal, and it was like, oh my gosh, like but it still wasn't enough to make me like turn me straight.
• 53:51
  SPEAKER_02: You would think it would, but it wasn't enough.
• 53:54
  SPEAKER_02: It turned my dad straight.
• 53:55
  SPEAKER_02: My dad really got like my dad was like, yeah, no, I can't, I can't be doing what I'm doing anymore.
• 54:01
  SPEAKER_02: Because again, my dad was an alcoholic too.
• 54:05
  SPEAKER_02: Doing this, like I need to set an example for my son.
• 54:09
  SPEAKER_02: I need to get back in church and live right too.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_02: If I want if I want to see my son live for God, I need to do it as well.
• 54:15
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 54:17
  SPEAKER_02: And so that's actually when in 2015 is when my brother got back in church.
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_02: Like, and he started going to Tabernacle of Praise, which is where my cousin Robert went, and that's why he went there because he had family there.
• 54:28
  SPEAKER_02: So my auntie Kim at the time, my cousin Robert, and my brother started going there, and they prayed for, and that's where he, I mean, he he started throwing up black stuff.
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_02: Like they that's where he got re-delivered.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_02: He got restored and delivered, and so he started going, you know, to church.
• 54:47
  SPEAKER_02: And through all that though, I still was like, mm-hmm like it, it did, I know God, I know God dealt with me, right?
• 54:57
  SPEAKER_02: Like I did feel it, like I did have that fear, like, man, like this is crazy.
• 55:01
  SPEAKER_02: But it wasn't enough, it wasn't enough for me to like stop doing what I was doing.
• 55:08
  SPEAKER_02: So again, at this point, I had started drinking a little more, but it wasn't heavy, heavy at the time.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_02: But I was drinking more often now.
• 55:14
  SPEAKER_02: So now I would like go home and I would drink and stuff like that, whereas before it was just socially.
• 55:20
  SPEAKER_02: Then um in November of 2015, I happened to be out with um some of my family and their friends and stuff, and um I ended up having a one-night stand.
• 55:36
  SPEAKER_02: And um, I knew the person, uh and so I ended up having a one-night stand and um didn't think nothing of it.
• 55:51
  SPEAKER_02: Um that's not something that's not something that I did to be honest, like even when I was wild and stuff.
• 55:58
  SPEAKER_02: I never did things like that because again, I just had I still carried a lot of these morals and these values that I grew up with, right?
• 56:07
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so I I had this when I stand in, but again, I didn't think nothing of it.
• 56:16
  SPEAKER_02: We were drinking, you know, whatever it happened.
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_02: And so a couple weeks go by and I realized, oh, like I haven't my body's not functioning like it normally does that's weird, you know what I mean?
• 56:41
  SPEAKER_02: Because I'm like, okay.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_02: In the past, I had been when I had seen my OBGYN and stuff like that, and all that she had told me it would get be hard for me to get pregnant, things like that.
• 56:54
  SPEAKER_02: So I never worried about anything like that.
• 56:58
  SPEAKER_02: So I realized like, oh, my body hasn't isn't functioning the way it normally would, you know.
• 57:05
  SPEAKER_02: And I hadn't told nobody about what happened, nobody knew about when I stand because I still carried some shame with that.
• 57:14
  SPEAKER_02: Because again, it's you know what I mean, even though it had now been years since I had been out of church, I still carried shame in them.
• 57:22
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't want to do anything with my business, nobody needed to know about that, right?
• 57:28
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm telling my best friend, could I even tell my best friend?
• 57:31
  SPEAKER_02: Telling my best friend, yeah, and like, you know, I'm kind of like um I don't know what's going on.
• 57:39
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, okay, she's like, have you been stressed?
• 57:43
  SPEAKER_02: Like, you know, whatever.
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, no, like I don't feel like I have been, but I don't know.
• 57:49
  SPEAKER_02: And then um it had been like two, three weeks, and I'm like, I just I had this like gut feeling, and I was like, I need to get a pregnancy test, and I did, and I was pregnant, and I had to tell my best friend at that point.
• 58:12
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, well, well, I had a one-night stand and I am pregnant.
• 58:20
  SPEAKER_02: Something I was like, I didn't really have the want to have kids at that time.
• 58:25
  SPEAKER_02: I had no desire to have kids, I wasn't in a relationship, I really had no desire to be in a relationship either.
• 58:33
  SPEAKER_02: Um and I was like, so this is November of 2015 or so.
• 58:43
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and when this actually December 2015 is when I found out, and like I said, I had I told my best friend finally, because I am a very open person, as in, like I'm bubbly.
• 58:57
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, sorry, I'm bubbly, I can talk to anybody and everybody.
• 59:02
  SPEAKER_02: I can find out somebody's life story in five minutes, right?
• 59:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but I'm only gonna tell you what I want you to know.
• 59:08
  SPEAKER_02: I'm still a very private person.
• 59:11
  SPEAKER_02: I keep a lot in, and I don't know where that stems from.
• 59:15
  SPEAKER_02: I just keep a lot in.
• 59:16
  SPEAKER_02: Um, because I I don't I've never really been put in situations where I can't trust people.
• 59:21
  SPEAKER_02: I've really been around people I can trust, you know what I mean?
• 59:24
  SPEAKER_02: There's still a lot that I would just I was very private, and I think I could like I was saying earlier, I carried shame in certain things because and I think that was yeah, and why I kept things to myself.
• 59:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's also um a notable personality trait in some personality types, and it and it could be both, you know, it could be the shame and and it also could be personality.
• 59:51
  SPEAKER_02: It seems like you came by that very naturally to be private, yeah, yeah, because and it's just how I was, and so um, so I finally I told my best friend, and I was just like, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
• 1:00:11
  SPEAKER_02: I'm about to be laid off in in less than a month at the end of December, right?
• 1:00:18
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what I'm gonna do.
• 1:00:21
  SPEAKER_02: And my best friend's like, whatever you decide, like I'm gonna be behind you, you know.
• 1:00:29
  SPEAKER_02: I told a couple of people about being pregnant.
• 1:00:32
  SPEAKER_02: I told I ended up telling my best friends, both of my best friends.
• 1:00:35
  SPEAKER_02: Um I told my cousin Kayla, and I told my I told my auntie.
• 1:00:41
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't tell my parents though.
• 1:00:43
  SPEAKER_02: Never told my parents.
• 1:00:45
  SPEAKER_02: Um and so I I can count on one hand how many people knew that I was pregnant, and I was like, I don't know, I don't know what I'm gonna do, I have no idea.
• 1:00:59
  SPEAKER_02: And during this time, I was like, I'm not ready to be a mom, I'm just not and I chose to not have the baby, and that's something that I never told anybody, the people who knew I told him that I miscarried her because I did, but what other people didn't know was that I did something for myself to miscarry.
• 1:01:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, and that's something that other people like I said, this is something that people are gonna find out about right now that I didn't know because I didn't want other people to know what I did.
• 1:01:54
  SPEAKER_02: That was that of course was very you don't do that, right?
• 1:02:01
  SPEAKER_02: And even growing up, I was like, that's something I'll never do.
• 1:02:04
  SPEAKER_02: But when I say you never know what you'll do or what decision you'll make when you're in a situation, everything is 100% be truth.
• 1:02:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and you don't ever say never don't ever say you'll never do something because you don't know what kind of decision you're going to make when you're in this right, and um yeah, like probably about a week after I found out I went to the doctor and I said I can't do this.
• 1:02:39
  SPEAKER_02: I was so early on.
• 1:02:40
  SPEAKER_02: They um they estimated at that point that I was about um probably about five or six weeks or so, which matched the time frame, and I was like and I was like I I can't.
• 1:02:58
  SPEAKER_02: And so they gave me they gave me something and uh and I ended up miscarrying, and at that point, at that point, um I thought I was okay.
• 1:03:15
  SPEAKER_02: I thought I was okay.
• 1:03:17
  SPEAKER_02: I let myself believe I was.
• 1:03:19
  SPEAKER_02: So I was like, I'm fine, you know, it is what it is.
• 1:03:24
  SPEAKER_02: In the moment I felt that way, like I felt like sure, sure, like okay, it's it's done.
• 1:03:30
  SPEAKER_02: Like I don't have to worry about having a baby now.
• 1:03:34
  SPEAKER_02: Now I don't have to worry about how I'm gonna provide for this child.
• 1:03:37
  SPEAKER_02: Now I don't have to worry about you know what's gonna happen and and and everything.
• 1:03:44
  SPEAKER_02: And it I told myself I was okay, but I knew I wasn't.
• 1:03:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and just after that happened, um in December, I did get an email from the county now.
• 1:04:00
  SPEAKER_02: This again, I kept getting extended AMR.
• 1:04:02
  SPEAKER_02: I was extended to the end of December now.
• 1:04:04
  SPEAKER_02: Got an email from the county, and they said, Are you still interested in the you know in working for the county?
• 1:04:11
  SPEAKER_02: I responded, Yes, I am.
• 1:04:12
  SPEAKER_02: So in December, AMR tells me we're gonna extend you one more time, we're gonna extend you through February of 2016.
• 1:04:19
  SPEAKER_02: So I said, Okay.
• 1:04:21
  SPEAKER_02: And then the county was like, we're gonna set up an or no, I hadn't heard, I just responded because they asked if I was interested, so so I responded in December, then I found I was being extended.
• 1:04:33
  SPEAKER_02: So then the Christmas comes around, and this is now about two weeks after um what happened.
• 1:04:43
  SPEAKER_02: Christmas comes around, and the day after Christmas, I go and I spend it with my dad's side of the family.
• 1:04:50
  SPEAKER_02: And we're all roll over there and we're drinking.
• 1:04:55
  SPEAKER_02: Um and at that point I was drinking, drinking.
• 1:04:59
  SPEAKER_02: I was like drinking to forget to drink to just not fail because again, I kept telling myself I was okay, but that's but I there was no other reason for me to drink that heavily that night.
• 1:05:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and um they lived in Turlock, and so me and my best friend had gone over there, we're all drinking whatever, and then we're gonna go.
• 1:05:26
  SPEAKER_02: And uh my best friend was like, they're like, You can't drive.
• 1:05:29
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, Yeah, I'm fine, I could drive, I could drive.
• 1:05:32
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't and I was arguing with them because I'm stubborn and super stubborn.
• 1:05:37
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, No, I could drive, I could drive.
• 1:05:40
  SPEAKER_02: So we leave and we leave Trellock, and I'm going the back roads to get home to Empire because that's where my best friends lived at the time, and so and I'm staying the night over there, so we go to Empire, and it was raining, and we were on a dark road, and we're driving.
• 1:05:59
  SPEAKER_02: I Don't know how quick I'm going, but we're we're on this dark road, and again the roads are slick, it's wet, and there the road curves, and I'm going quick, and I don't realize the road's gonna curve like that until I see the sun last minute, and I'm like, and I didn't have time to like slow down, so I ended up I couldn't I couldn't make the curve, and we ended up flipping.
• 1:06:20
  SPEAKER_02: They're just me and my best friend, and again we're on a road alone, and but now we're on a back road where there's nobody's gonna find you.
• 1:06:28
  SPEAKER_02: It's dark, there's not even street lights, you know.
• 1:06:32
  SPEAKER_02: And we flip and we flip onto the side of like a on the side of railroad tracks.
• 1:06:38
  SPEAKER_02: So we're kind of like in this like bank embankment or ditch, and because of raining, we're flipped, we're and underwater and we hit it, we hit a power pool, or like oh my word.
• 1:06:49
  SPEAKER_02: So my my my um car, the because a power pool hit and it was like now it's like leaning on the car.
• 1:06:56
  SPEAKER_02: Um my my alarm, I mean, uh my doors it kept unlocking and locking.
• 1:07:02
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know what to do.
• 1:07:04
  SPEAKER_02: Uh we were upside down, so we got ourselves to where we were like on our stomachs.
• 1:07:09
  SPEAKER_02: All I could do was put my knee against the against the horn of my car so I can honk it in hopes that somebody will hear us.
• 1:07:18
  SPEAKER_02: I remember this friend, she was like that night, she told me she hated me, and I was like, I don't blame you.
• 1:07:32
  SPEAKER_02: It's not fun right now, you know what I mean?
• 1:07:35
  SPEAKER_02: Because I mean it this was one of her first accidents she's ever been in, and it was we were flipped and everything.
• 1:07:42
  SPEAKER_02: I again at that point I didn't see what the car looked like because we were in the car.
• 1:07:49
  SPEAKER_02: It just so happened that an off-duty cop lives out there, and he would go and put he would go because the streets were so dark, and at night he would go and he would drive the streets to just see a pajamas and he he seen us and he heard the the the horn and he found us and he called 911 and so that's like God had his hands.
• 1:08:21
  SPEAKER_02: He had his hand on me and my best friend 100.
• 1:08:26
  SPEAKER_02: So every the the firemen come and everybody comes, and um they find it took them about 30-45 minutes to get us out because they had to get the power, the power pool like off of the car and everything.
• 1:08:40
  SPEAKER_02: And we finally get out, and of course they ask if drinking was involved.
• 1:08:43
  SPEAKER_02: And I I mean I'm not gonna lie to them, like, yes, I was drinking, I shouldn't have been driving at this point.
• 1:08:50
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like I'm sobered up because I mean, I'm just like in shock, you know.
• 1:08:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and so I'm like, yeah, like I was drinking, I had no reason to lie to them.
• 1:08:59
  SPEAKER_02: They took a breathalyzer and I was like double the legal limit.
• 1:09:04
  SPEAKER_02: So um I think I was a 0.15 that I blew.
• 1:09:09
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but they were when I tell you, like they were so nice to me, and I was like, why are you guys being so nice to me?
• 1:09:20
  SPEAKER_02: Like I just wrecked my car, I was driving under the you know, under the influence.
• 1:09:27
  SPEAKER_02: I put my best friend in danger, I put my own life in danger.
• 1:09:31
  SPEAKER_02: Like, why are you so nice to me?
• 1:09:34
  SPEAKER_02: Because like um, like uh it was at the sheriff's office I was talking to.
• 1:09:40
  SPEAKER_02: CHP or sheriffs or the sheriffs, and they just told me they're like, honey, we're gonna make mistakes.
• 1:09:48
  SPEAKER_02: So I was like, why are you why are you guys being so nice to me?
• 1:09:53
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, well, you're not being belligerent, you're not being rude, you're not giving us a reason to be mean.
• 1:09:58
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, we're gonna we make mistakes.
• 1:10:00
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, look, we're gonna take you to the hospital.
• 1:10:03
  SPEAKER_02: When we get to the hospital, do you have somebody that can pick you up?
• 1:10:08
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, yes.
• 1:10:09
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, we're gonna let you go home when you get there.
• 1:10:14
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, technically, you're under arrest.
• 1:10:16
  SPEAKER_02: We're not gonna cuff you, we're not gonna do any of that.
• 1:10:20
  SPEAKER_02: We'll contact you because I told him I was like, Can you call my mom?
• 1:10:24
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, We'll contact your mom and we'll have you, you know.
• 1:10:29
  SPEAKER_02: She could pick you up from the hospital.
• 1:10:31
  SPEAKER_02: So they did.
• 1:10:32
  SPEAKER_02: They they contacted my mom.
• 1:10:35
  SPEAKER_02: They had me, I got checked out.
• 1:10:37
  SPEAKER_02: I was, and again, my best friend and I were both fine.
• 1:10:40
  SPEAKER_02: We had bruises from where our belts were at, but we were fine, no broken bones, no nothing.
• 1:10:47
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 1:10:47
  SPEAKER_02: And and they just, you know, they let me go.
• 1:10:50
  SPEAKER_02: They let me go with my mom.
• 1:10:51
  SPEAKER_01: They said, That's a miracle.
• 1:10:53
  SPEAKER_01: It is, and that's why it's two accidents that that could have killed you, yeah.
• 1:10:59
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 1:10:59
  SPEAKER_02: And God had his hand on my life.
• 1:11:02
  SPEAKER_02: So, and like I said, they treated me with kindness, with compassion.
• 1:11:07
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I didn't deserve that.
• 1:11:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but God allowed them to treat me that way, and to you know, had like they had very they had a lot of compassion for me.
• 1:11:19
  SPEAKER_02: And again, they told me they're like, we make mistakes.
• 1:11:21
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, but we're hoping that you learn from this mistake, right?
• 1:11:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so I I had to do all the things I had to um I had to go to court um for for my DUI because again, because I blew half the legal limit or double.
• 1:11:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's a felony too, right?
• 1:11:38
  SPEAKER_02: So this one was a misdemeanor.
• 1:11:40
  SPEAKER_01: It actually wasn't a felony, even though there was oh, was it not considered bodily injury?
• 1:11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you hit the pole, that would have been property damage.
• 1:11:50
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 1:11:50
  SPEAKER_02: Was it the um to be honest that's yeah, I can't tell you how it was not a felony, but it wasn't, it was considered a misdemeanor.
• 1:12:00
  SPEAKER_02: And during this time, so that's at the end of December, it's crazy, right?
• 1:12:05
  SPEAKER_02: So it happened at the end of December.
• 1:12:06
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't have court until March of 2016.
• 1:12:10
  SPEAKER_02: During this time, uh, the county reached out to me and I interviewed with the county in the beginning of February of 2016.
• 1:12:19
  SPEAKER_02: And um, I remember, I remember going to this interview, and I remember on my way out there, I listened to um uh Oceans by Hillsong.
• 1:12:33
  SPEAKER_02: So spiritly me when match dancing right now, my voice is up, but that song right there, that was my prayer.
• 1:12:40
  SPEAKER_02: Like, God, if this is what you have for me, you're gonna make a way for me to get this position right.
• 1:12:45
  SPEAKER_02: I hadn't applied anywhere else, mind you.
• 1:12:48
  SPEAKER_02: I knew I was getting laid off, I hadn't applied anywhere.
• 1:12:51
  SPEAKER_02: So I go, I go to this interview.
• 1:12:54
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know what they thought of me, and I left.
• 1:12:57
  SPEAKER_02: I finally got laid off at the end of February.
• 1:13:00
  SPEAKER_02: They told me I'd find out in March if if I got the position.
• 1:13:04
  SPEAKER_02: So March 1st, I go, um, I think it was like March 1st, the beginning of March, I go to court.
• 1:13:11
  SPEAKER_02: They told me that it's a misdemeanor, and they told me that I can either do like um the work program or I can go to jail for seven days.
• 1:13:20
  SPEAKER_02: I said, no, I'm gonna do the work program.
• 1:13:22
  SPEAKER_02: Please give me the work program.
• 1:13:25
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think I can go to jail.
• 1:13:27
  SPEAKER_02: So they did, they gave me the work program, and I had to, so I had to go to DUI classes for three months.
• 1:13:33
  SPEAKER_02: My license was suspended, and I had to do the work program, but it was only like five days that I had to do it.
• 1:13:40
  SPEAKER_02: So two, three weekends, I had to do five eight-hour like shifts at uh the animal shelter.
• 1:13:47
  SPEAKER_02: So um I did that and it worked out to where I could do it on the weekend because in March I found out that the count after I got laid off from AMR, I finally got laid off.
• 1:13:57
  SPEAKER_02: And in March, the county called me and they offered me the position developability worker, and I started in April.
• 1:14:05
  SPEAKER_02: And so everything, like God literally had his hand on everything that my suspended license.
• 1:14:13
  SPEAKER_02: I got a um, I got a special thing for it to where even though suspended, I was still able to go to and from work and to and from my DUI classes.
• 1:14:23
  SPEAKER_02: So I paid to have like the the special kind of suspended license.
• 1:14:28
  SPEAKER_02: I forget what it's called now.
• 1:14:29
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I was good.
• 1:14:31
  SPEAKER_02: I was good during that time.
• 1:14:32
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, all right, like I wasn't ready to go back to church, but I was good.
• 1:14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:14:37
  SPEAKER_02: So I was like, all right, like I'm I'm I'm gonna do this.
• 1:14:42
  SPEAKER_02: And then um I ended up going, I started working with the county, and I was like, I really liked it.
• 1:14:51
  SPEAKER_02: It was another Monday through Friday job.
• 1:14:53
  SPEAKER_02: Um, eligibility work, what I was doing was I was interviewing people, seeing if they're eligible to benefits to government assistance, such as CalFresh, CowWorks, Medical, things like that.
• 1:15:02
  SPEAKER_02: So that's what I was gonna do.
• 1:15:03
  SPEAKER_02: I went through a seven-month training with them, got through that training, and then you know, started as a as an eligibility worker.
• 1:15:11
  SPEAKER_02: I loved it.
• 1:15:11
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, man, like God's been so good to me, even though I've done these things right, even though like I was just like, man, God, I don't understand why you're you've been so good to me.
• 1:15:24
  SPEAKER_02: But again, I still wasn't ready.
• 1:15:26
  SPEAKER_02: I still wasn't ready to turn my life around.
• 1:15:29
  SPEAKER_02: And in 2017 is when I because I had stopped drinking for a while because I was like to you why it scared me, it just scared me.
• 1:15:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, stopped drinking, but then at I don't know at what point I just it started in like 2017 or so.
• 1:15:47
  SPEAKER_02: I be again I became depressed because I realized like I could have had a child right now, right?
• 1:15:59
  SPEAKER_02: And my dad, my dad, one of the things that he wanted more than anything was to be a grandpa.
• 1:16:09
  SPEAKER_02: And he had no idea that I took that from him, and so it finally started really, really hitting me.
• 1:16:21
  SPEAKER_02: I think there was a lot that I kept myself busy with to where I didn't really think about it.
• 1:16:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and every time I went on getting a new job, there was a lot of things that could keep my mind occupied.
• 1:16:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I didn't really think about that and it finally started hitting me, and that's when I started really like drinking because I I didn't want to feel that, I didn't want to feel any of that pain.
• 1:16:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I didn't want to feel depressed like that, I just wanted it to go away and so I started drinking, and that's when it and when I kind of spiraled was about 2017, and I was vodka was my drink of choice, and I was just drinking often, and nobody knew it at first.
• 1:17:10
  SPEAKER_02: I kept it hidden for a long time, but I would go home and I would drink, and it at first it wasn't every day, but I was drinking to where I pass out when I would drink, so it was like, and I started drinking by myself, that's I knew it was a problem, but it wasn't every day at this point, like it started that's how it started out, and then I was still trying to like do my workout thing and stuff, and you know, because at that point I started gaining weight because I'm drinking now.
• 1:17:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, do you want to eat?
• 1:17:44
  SPEAKER_02: And I started gaining weight and all this stuff, so it probably took him till about 2018, 2019 till people really started noticing that I have a problem where my close friends or like my best friends in my family could see it because at that point I would just lock myself like I was still living with my parents, I would lock myself in my room and I would just drink.
• 1:18:06
  SPEAKER_02: And when I come out, they could tell that I was not myself.
• 1:18:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I wouldn't let them see me drinking, but I thought it was I thought I was hiding it, but they could tell my eyes are glossed over.
• 1:18:16
  SPEAKER_02: I would say things that didn't make sense, you know what I mean?
• 1:18:22
  SPEAKER_02: And there was a lot of things that would happen that I don't even remember because I were you blackout drunk.
• 1:18:27
  SPEAKER_01: Were you a blackout drinker?
• 1:18:29
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so was I, and so yeah, and so things I didn't even know like were happening, like I would fall in the shower.
• 1:18:39
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't even know I fell in the shower, I would, you know, break things because I didn't even realize like I ran into them or dropped them or you know, things like like and yeah, it got it just it got bad, and I didn't realize how bad it was getting, but all I knew was I couldn't stop.
• 1:18:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, craved it at this point now.
• 1:19:00
  SPEAKER_02: Every day after we would go, I would there were two or three liquor stores that I would frequent, and they knew what I wanted every time.
• 1:19:10
  SPEAKER_02: I all I had to do was they knew I wanted, you know, my pint of vodka, whatever they knew.
• 1:19:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I went Amy, when you look at that point in your life, do you think that you were running away from the emotions that you were feeling because of regret, because of of giving up the baby?
• 1:19:36
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's all a part of shame too.
• 1:19:39
  SPEAKER_01: Or do you feel like um that you were just totally shut down and you were just checked out?
• 1:19:49
  SPEAKER_01: Or do you think it was a little bit of a I mean, do you know what you were going through?
• 1:19:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like when you look back, can you itemize that?
• 1:19:58
  SPEAKER_02: I think it was I think the biggest part of it was I was I regretted what I did.
• 1:20:07
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't think it would affect me the way that it did.
• 1:20:11
  SPEAKER_02: I thought that I thought that I was making the best choice at that moment, right?
• 1:20:18
  SPEAKER_02: And that's how I kind of like justified what I did was because I was like, this is the best choice I can make right now because I don't, I don't know how I'm gonna support a child.
• 1:20:27
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know I'm not in a relationship, I don't know how I'm gonna support a baby, I don't know how I'm gonna take care of this kid, you know what I mean?
• 1:20:35
  SPEAKER_02: I don't even know if I'm gonna have a job in a month.
• 1:20:38
  SPEAKER_02: I've never been in that situation of not knowing, like, because I've always worked, I've always at that point, I've always held a steady job, you know.
• 1:20:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and looking back, I mean, God provided to where I didn't, I never did go without, but in the moment I didn't know.
• 1:20:55
  SPEAKER_02: And I think too, that is another thing that added to that was I didn't trust God to go through this situation.
• 1:21:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I just made a decision like a decision that I didn't know would affect me the way it did.
• 1:21:13
  SPEAKER_02: Because in the moment I was like, this is the best decision for me.
• 1:21:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, do you know what I mean?
• 1:21:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:21:22
  SPEAKER_02: Alone.
• 1:21:23
  unknown: Right.
• 1:21:24
  SPEAKER_02: And that was another thing, like I I just did it.
• 1:21:27
  SPEAKER_02: And now I'm I'm realizing, you know, a year and a half down the road, I'm like, it's hit, it's like it's hitting me.
• 1:21:35
  SPEAKER_02: It's like I'm finally like life has kind of slowed down a little bit, you know.
• 1:21:39
  SPEAKER_02: I'm now I'm now a permanent employee with the county because I passed my year probation.
• 1:21:45
  SPEAKER_02: I'm now like I'm golden with them.
• 1:21:48
  SPEAKER_02: It's hard to be fired now.
• 1:21:50
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, I think they're slowing down.
• 1:21:53
  SPEAKER_02: I've yeah, it's like I've really had time to like think, I guess, and reflect and realize.
• 1:21:59
  SPEAKER_02: And again, hearing my dad talking about wanting to be a grandparent, and you know, and all of that, it it tore me apart, yeah, tore me completely apart.
• 1:22:14
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, I don't want to feel this, yeah, I don't want to feel this.
• 1:22:22
  SPEAKER_02: So instead of turning to God, because at that point too, I was like, God doesn't want me.
• 1:22:28
  SPEAKER_02: There's no way, there's no way I can go back to church.
• 1:22:32
  SPEAKER_02: There's no way that God's gonna want me after that.
• 1:22:36
  SPEAKER_02: I did that knowing I was doing wrong.
• 1:22:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I made that decision, even though I felt like it was the best decision that for me to make at the moment, I knew what I was doing, I knew what decision I was making, right?
• 1:22:54
  SPEAKER_02: And I knew that it wasn't pleasing to God, right?
• 1:22:58
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 1:22:59
  SPEAKER_02: Right there's no way that God would even want me back, there's no way.
• 1:23:08
  SPEAKER_01: So, and then because of that, and everything felt like he couldn't, yeah, and that's a very hopeless position to be in when you don't even feel like you can turn to God now.
• 1:23:22
  SPEAKER_01: That that's that's a very detrimental position, right?
• 1:23:26
  SPEAKER_02: So I was like, I might as well drink, right?
• 1:23:30
  SPEAKER_02: And I was I would still go to work every day too, but I would drink to pass out because at night was when my mind would run, I couldn't sleep, things like that.
• 1:23:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I drink to pass out, but I mean I would get up and go to work every day 2019 rolls around or so again.
• 1:23:46
  SPEAKER_02: Now everybody's starting to see and realize things are, you know, that I'm drinking a lot.
• 1:23:52
  SPEAKER_02: And I mean, my my mom would be like me huh, like, what are you doing?
• 1:23:58
  SPEAKER_02: You know, my best friend would be like, dude, what are you doing?
• 1:24:02
  SPEAKER_02: Like they would sit and I'm like, I don't know.
• 1:24:06
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I know I need to stop.
• 1:24:08
  SPEAKER_02: I know you stop, but I can't basically, or I was like, I'll do better.
• 1:24:13
  SPEAKER_02: I would tell them, like, I'll do better, I'll do better, I'll do better.
• 1:24:16
  SPEAKER_02: But I knew I couldn't.
• 1:24:17
  SPEAKER_02: I knew I was already, I was already addicted, I was already like were to the point where I had to have it, you know.
• 1:24:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I want to I want to just interject here and give a plug to those that are watching.
• 1:24:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, when someone's behavior changes dramatically, like like um Amelia's did, and you notice that it is a totally different character, the odds that they're keeping a secret are pretty high.
• 1:24:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you do notice this at home with your kids um or someone that you care about, someone that you love, you know, press, pray about it, ask, you know, because there usually is a secret that someone is keeping that is destroying them.
• 1:25:08
  SPEAKER_01: And um, the minute that it gets exposed and it comes out of the darkness into the light, because now they're gonna talk about it, is the minute that you know the light can shine and they can get some help.
• 1:25:21
  SPEAKER_01: So if you if you do notice this, like she said, you know, you just it seemed like it just rapidly began to change.
• 1:25:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's um there's a secret that needs to come out.
• 1:25:32
  SPEAKER_01: And you you will help that person or your child uh by making them talk.
• 1:25:39
  SPEAKER_01: Don't don't give them their space, don't let them isolate, don't let them get deeper.
• 1:25:44
  SPEAKER_01: Press, press, press, press until they open up.
• 1:25:49
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 1:25:50
  SPEAKER_02: And very true.
• 1:25:51
  SPEAKER_02: And I didn't want to talk about anything.
• 1:25:54
  SPEAKER_02: I would brush everybody off, you know.
• 1:25:56
  SPEAKER_02: And um, and me and me and my best friend, we would uh, because I have a male best friend, so my best friend Tosh, he's the one that got in the car accident with me, and then I have a best friend Jay.
• 1:26:06
  SPEAKER_02: Me and him, we would, I mean, we would go at it and fight and lot of because he was like, you what are you doing?
• 1:26:17
  SPEAKER_02: You're like Yeah, destroying yourself.
• 1:26:20
  SPEAKER_02: You know, and it hurt, it hurt the people that cared about me.
• 1:26:24
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't realize how what what I didn't realize how much what I was or how much it was hurting and affecting my loved ones and my family, you know what I mean?
• 1:26:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was just right, exactly.
• 1:26:42
  SPEAKER_02: And so it just um, like I said, I I would still go to work and everything.
• 1:26:47
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, I'm fine, I still go to work, I still get paid, I'm not gonna lose my job, you know, whatever.
• 1:26:53
  SPEAKER_02: So I was just in a very numb state of mind.
• 1:26:56
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't feel anything.
• 1:26:58
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I would I would have to sometimes like when I wake up in the morning, like go through my phone.
• 1:27:04
  SPEAKER_02: Like, what did I do?
• 1:27:07
  SPEAKER_02: Post anything, did I say anything to anybody?
• 1:27:09
  SPEAKER_02: You know, been there, yeah.
• 1:27:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like I don't know, I didn't know what I would find.
• 1:27:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, I do.
• 1:27:16
  SPEAKER_02: So then 2020 rolls around, COVID hits, and everybody's having to, you know, watch services online at this point.
• 1:27:26
  SPEAKER_02: And that's when I feel like I really felt like God started dealing with me in 2020.
• 1:27:34
  SPEAKER_02: And I knew it, but I was trying to like push it off.
• 1:27:37
  SPEAKER_02: But I started watching because again, by this time it was it was just I was alive.
• 1:27:42
  SPEAKER_02: I was fighting all the time.
• 1:27:44
  SPEAKER_02: I knew at this point, I knew that I was worrying my mom.
• 1:27:47
  SPEAKER_02: I knew, and my dad even sat me down, and he goes, and my dad, the way he he knew how to communicate with me.
• 1:27:55
  SPEAKER_02: He just goes, Look, I'm not gonna tell you what to do.
• 1:28:00
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna tell you that you have to stop drinking.
• 1:28:03
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna tell you any of that.
• 1:28:04
  SPEAKER_02: What I am gonna tell you is I love you and your mom loves you.
• 1:28:08
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna tell you that you're hurting your mom.
• 1:28:10
  SPEAKER_02: She's worried about you, you know, and all of this.
• 1:28:13
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, that's what I am gonna tell you, and that you are killing yourself with as much as you're drinking.
• 1:28:21
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, that's what I'm gonna tell you.
• 1:28:23
  SPEAKER_02: Is I'm gonna I'm not gonna tell you to stop, but I am gonna tell you this, you know.
• 1:28:29
  SPEAKER_02: And um, and like like I said, him and Jay were probably the ones that could really communicate and get me to where I would listen and I knew what they were saying, and I knew I knew what they were saying was right, but I still just couldn't get away.
• 1:28:43
  SPEAKER_02: I was just too caught up in it.
• 1:28:45
  SPEAKER_02: But in 2020, I I could feel God dealing with me.
• 1:28:49
  SPEAKER_02: So I started watching like services online.
• 1:28:53
  SPEAKER_02: Um I started watching services from like Revival Center because again, that's a church I grew up in.
• 1:28:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, um, and I remember one service in particular, uh Brother Victor Jackson, he preached for them and um they streamed it.
• 1:29:07
  SPEAKER_02: It was one of their services, they streamed it, but he was like preaching from home, it was just online, you know, from his office, and he preached on brokenness and how God can work and does his best work with the broken, yeah, and I was completely broken, and I'm like I remember that was the first time I really asked about like can you can you fix my not too broken, you know what I mean?
• 1:29:39
  SPEAKER_02: It made me really think like because like this whole time I was like God doesn't want me, right?
• 1:29:45
  SPEAKER_02: That service is what spoke to me when he was talking about how God works best when you're broken, and I knew I was I knew I was broken, so it's like all right, um I started listening a little bit, you know what I mean?
• 1:30:01
  SPEAKER_02: Started listening a little bit, but I still wasn't fully like on board and ready to like go back to church, and plus, like I said, everything was online, so it made it a little easier, I guess, for me too, because I could watch them both.
• 1:30:13
  SPEAKER_02: So I started more, I started watching services more and everything.
• 1:30:17
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, all right, God, I'm gonna I'm gonna try to get sober.
• 1:30:20
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm gonna try to get sober.
• 1:30:23
  SPEAKER_02: So around summer of um 2020, I had actually uh been in contact with somebody who had COVID.
• 1:30:31
  SPEAKER_02: So they they took me out of work for two weeks.
• 1:30:34
  SPEAKER_02: And during that time that they took me off of work, I was drinking a lot because I'm home, right?
• 1:30:40
  SPEAKER_02: So right after that is that was in July of 2020.
• 1:30:43
  SPEAKER_02: Right after that was when I was like, all right, God, like I need I need to get sober.
• 1:30:49
  SPEAKER_02: I can't do this, I can't live like this.
• 1:30:52
  SPEAKER_02: And at this point, I wasn't living at home anymore.
• 1:30:54
  SPEAKER_02: I was um roommates with my best friends again, so I wasn't living with my parents.
• 1:31:00
  SPEAKER_02: So I was like, all right, God, like I I I can't I can't keep doing this.
• 1:31:05
  SPEAKER_02: So I was like, I'm I'm gonna get sober.
• 1:31:07
  SPEAKER_02: So I saw I just stopped drinking and I actually stopped cold turkey.
• 1:31:11
  SPEAKER_01: And but again, I still wasn't going to church, but I was just you feel like the Lord delivered you in that moment from it.
• 1:31:19
  SPEAKER_02: That moment I felt like I felt like I was okay, like it in a way, because I still wanted it, like I still thought about it, I still did it, I still was like, I was doing my best to not do it, you know.
• 1:31:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and um, and again, I knew I had people praying for me, my cousin Robert, my mom, my mom, my dad, like they were the ones really praying for me, my brother.
• 1:31:44
  SPEAKER_02: I knew I had people praying for me.
• 1:31:46
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so I decided I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna get sober.
• 1:31:49
  SPEAKER_02: So now we're about we're like in August, and I remember taking my dad to the store because my dad um he needed a ride.
• 1:31:57
  SPEAKER_02: He I don't know if like my mom was gone or whatever, and they only had one car, so I took him to the store.
• 1:32:02
  SPEAKER_02: And he tells me, he goes, Do you want me to get you anything?
• 1:32:05
  SPEAKER_02: Because he knew that I would drink, and he was gonna buy me alcohol, even though he wasn't drinking.
• 1:32:10
  SPEAKER_02: He was gonna buy me alcohol.
• 1:32:11
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, Do you want anything?
• 1:32:13
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, No, dad, I'm good.
• 1:32:16
  SPEAKER_02: Because I didn't tell anybody I was gonna be sober or I was trying to get sober.
• 1:32:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I kept that to myself too, because I was like, I have to, I don't want to tell anybody because I don't want to tell them and disappoint them if it doesn't work, right?
• 1:32:27
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 1:32:28
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to disappoint my family and them think I'm gonna be all, you know, you know, yeah, I disappoint them if something happens.
• 1:32:35
  SPEAKER_02: So I kept that to myself, I was like, this is something I have to do on my own, right?
• 1:32:40
  SPEAKER_02: So I told him, No, Dad, I'm good.
• 1:32:42
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, Are you sure?
• 1:32:44
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, Yeah, I'm good, Dad.
• 1:32:45
  SPEAKER_02: And I told him, I was like, I'm trying not to drink right now, like, man, okay.
• 1:32:49
  SPEAKER_02: And you could see the change in his face and the happiness that like it was just like this change.
• 1:32:58
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't tell me he was proud of me, he didn't tell me any of that, like, but he was just like, you could see the change, and he was pleased that I didn't want anything, you know.
• 1:33:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so um, so I I was he was able to see that, and so I felt a difference in me.
• 1:33:16
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I felt like I was a I was a lot more clear-headed, you know, whatever.
• 1:33:20
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but again, I I still wasn't ready to fully just like turn my life around.
• 1:33:25
  SPEAKER_02: So then September comes around.
• 1:33:27
  SPEAKER_02: I'm a huge football fan, so we're in football season now, and I love football.
• 1:33:32
  SPEAKER_02: And um, I remember it was a Sunday, uh September 27th.
• 1:33:38
  SPEAKER_02: I'm watching the game.
• 1:33:39
  SPEAKER_02: My best friends were at home watching the game, and and the Niners just won.
• 1:33:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm a 49er fan.
• 1:33:44
  SPEAKER_02: The Niners just won.
• 1:33:46
  SPEAKER_02: I was super excited, you know.
• 1:33:48
  SPEAKER_02: And I get a call from my aunt from Aunt Becky.
• 1:33:51
  SPEAKER_02: She calls me and she doesn't usually call me, usually she'll text me if you know something's going on or whatever.
• 1:33:57
  SPEAKER_02: But she calls me and she's crying.
• 1:33:59
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, Mihha, you need to come to the house right now, you need to come to your mom's house right now.
• 1:34:03
  SPEAKER_02: And she was living with my parents at the time.
• 1:34:06
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, okay, and I could tell she was crying.
• 1:34:08
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, what's going on?
• 1:34:09
  SPEAKER_02: She was like, just you need to come over here.
• 1:34:11
  SPEAKER_02: It's an emergency.
• 1:34:13
  SPEAKER_02: There's something going on with your dad.
• 1:34:14
  SPEAKER_02: There's an emergency with your dad.
• 1:34:16
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, okay.
• 1:34:19
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and now my dad has different medical issues, nothing that's ever been like life-threatening or anything.
• 1:34:26
  SPEAKER_02: It's medical issues that have landed him in the hospital.
• 1:34:30
  SPEAKER_02: So um, I was like, okay, normally they'll just be like, hey, dad had to go to the hospital, you know, whatever.
• 1:34:36
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm like, okay, I'm like, this is serious.
• 1:34:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm thinking, like, maybe my dad's like just being stubborn or not wanting to cooperate because he could be stubborn too.
• 1:34:45
  SPEAKER_01: So you weren't too worried, you weren't alarmed at the emergency.
• 1:34:50
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 1:34:50
  SPEAKER_02: And I would I was trying to not think the worst.
• 1:34:54
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 1:34:55
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, okay, it's gonna be fine.
• 1:34:58
  SPEAKER_02: But I was I was a little panicked.
• 1:35:00
  SPEAKER_02: And I know I know my best friend seen that because I was like, hey, I gotta go.
• 1:35:04
  SPEAKER_02: Like, there's an emergency, I gotta go.
• 1:35:07
  SPEAKER_02: And Jay was like, I don't want you driving, like, you don't need to drive.
• 1:35:10
  SPEAKER_02: And again, at this time I was sober, I wasn't drinking, so I kind of used to be driven.
• 1:35:14
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, No, he's seen, I think he could see the panic, even though he wasn't trying to show it.
• 1:35:18
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, No, let me drive you.
• 1:35:20
  SPEAKER_02: I'll drive you.
• 1:35:20
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want you driving.
• 1:35:21
  SPEAKER_02: So I was like, Okay.
• 1:35:23
  SPEAKER_02: In my mind, I'm still trying to tell myself everything's fine.
• 1:35:26
  SPEAKER_02: Everything's fine.
• 1:35:27
  SPEAKER_02: So we get to the house, we get to my mom's house, and there's an ambulance outside.
• 1:35:31
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so something did happen.
• 1:35:34
  SPEAKER_02: I walk in, and mind you, I just talked to my dad the night before.
• 1:35:39
  SPEAKER_02: He's a huge Bigfoot fan.
• 1:35:41
  SPEAKER_02: I had ordered him a Bigfoot shirt off Amazon.
• 1:35:43
  SPEAKER_02: He called me the night before on Saturday asking where his shirt was at, because he was ready to have his Bigfoot shirt.
• 1:35:49
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, it'll be here soon, Dad.
• 1:35:51
  SPEAKER_02: It should be here by Monday.
• 1:35:54
  SPEAKER_02: So I just talked to him.
• 1:35:56
  SPEAKER_02: I go in the house, and when you walk in the door, it's a long hallway.
• 1:36:01
  SPEAKER_02: The kitchen's off to the side, the living room's off to the right side, and there's long hallway, and his and uh my parents' room's at the end of the at the end of the hallway.
• 1:36:10
  SPEAKER_02: So the EMTs are coming out of my parents' room.
• 1:36:13
  SPEAKER_02: My mom's in the kitchen, I look over, and she just like shakes her head.
• 1:36:25
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, what?
• 1:36:27
  SPEAKER_02: And she was like, I didn't even say it.
• 1:36:32
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, mom, what happened?
• 1:36:34
  SPEAKER_02: And then she told me your dad's gone.
• 1:36:36
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, what happened?
• 1:36:40
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 1:36:42
  SPEAKER_02: He fell asleep and he didn't wake up.
• 1:36:45
  SPEAKER_02: He was going to sleep, and it was crazy because he called me, but then I found out that he also called my brother, and he also called my mom because my mom happened to be out with her with my auntie and her cousins the night before on Saturday.
• 1:37:00
  SPEAKER_02: My mom normally didn't go out or anything.
• 1:37:03
  SPEAKER_02: Um, she liked to be home and having a barbecue and she actually went.
• 1:37:08
  SPEAKER_02: And my dad, he usually doesn't trip when my mom goes because he knows like she's safe, he knows she doesn't drink, he knows she doesn't drink anything, you know, she's um very level-headed, very he knows she's gonna be home safe.
• 1:37:22
  SPEAKER_02: But he called her and just said he wanted to check on her.
• 1:37:25
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, I just want to make sure you're good, make sure everything's going, you know.
• 1:37:30
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, okay, like even tripped her out, like, okay.
• 1:37:35
  SPEAKER_02: And that was it.
• 1:37:36
  SPEAKER_02: And he called me, called my brother.
• 1:37:38
  SPEAKER_02: He called my brother to ask him some random question.
• 1:37:41
  SPEAKER_02: My brother was at music practice, so he told my dad, hey dad, like I can't really talk, but you know, but they talked for a few moments, and then yeah, he fell asleep and he didn't wake up.
• 1:37:52
  SPEAKER_02: And my mom, he normally my dad was a night owl, so he usually slept in.
• 1:37:58
  SPEAKER_02: So my mom didn't really trip on him not coming out of the room because uh he was asleep early, and so she didn't really trip on him not coming out of the room or into the afternoon, like around 12.
• 1:38:11
  SPEAKER_02: But then when he still didn't come out around like one, two o'clock, then she started to worry.
• 1:38:16
  SPEAKER_02: Like, usually he's already up and out here, and like, so that's when she went and tripped on him, and my mom found that he wasn't breathing.
• 1:38:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and he just he fell asleep and he passed away in his sleep, and that was like a kick in the gut because none of us, I mean, we were all blind, none of us expected.
• 1:38:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, none of us, and um I remember my mom telling me, like, you know, I like please, her and Mancy both like, please do not drink because they at this point they knew I wasn't I wasn't drinking because like I told them like I'm trying to be better, and I was they were worried that you that you had relapsed because your dad passed.
• 1:38:59
  SPEAKER_02: They had it right to be yeah, in the beginning, because that first week was super busy, that first week we were planning his celebration of life and everything.
• 1:39:10
  SPEAKER_02: So I didn't, I did, I didn't, and at that point I had I was probably about 40 days sober at that point by the time he passed, um maybe a little more.
• 1:39:21
  SPEAKER_02: Um and um so we had a celebration of life and everything, and a week later, and the pastor, Pastor Johnson, he was a pastor of revival center because my parents, again, they they continued going to revival center until like my dad passed and stuff.
• 1:39:40
  SPEAKER_02: And I remember uh Pastor Johnson had told me at my dad's celebration of life.
• 1:39:44
  SPEAKER_02: He was like, Man, Amy, he's like, You're gonna be you're gonna come home soon.
• 1:39:51
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, Yeah, yeah, like I kind of just was like, okay, yeah, whatever you say, just kind of shut it off.
• 1:39:58
  SPEAKER_02: Well, after that, after that service and celebration of life, I did I spy I I started up again.
• 1:40:06
  SPEAKER_02: I did start drinking, so everybody had every right to worry.
• 1:40:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:40:10
  SPEAKER_02: Like, please don't, please don't start back up.
• 1:40:12
  SPEAKER_02: And I did.
• 1:40:13
  SPEAKER_02: And I s and I did how long before you were how long before um you were able to rededicate your life?
• 1:40:25
  SPEAKER_02: So at that point, that was October 2020, is when I started back and I spiraled.
• 1:40:30
  SPEAKER_02: It was about three months because January 21 was when I was when I came back.
• 1:40:36
  SPEAKER_02: And I did, I spiraled, and I mean I just I went hard.
• 1:40:41
  SPEAKER_02: When I say went hard, I went hard in that time to where in January of 2021, I was on um, I was on a bender, like a three-day bender, and I went to work drunk and everything.
• 1:40:56
  SPEAKER_02: I've I've never really been to that point where I've gone like that.
• 1:41:01
  SPEAKER_02: Like I went to work drunk.
• 1:41:02
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't care how I looked.
• 1:41:03
  SPEAKER_02: Like it was embarrassing, embarrassing when I think about it.
• 1:41:07
  SPEAKER_02: But my boss, she seen me and she goes, Amy, she goes, You don't look good.
• 1:41:12
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna send you home.
• 1:41:13
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, okay, which rightfully so she should have.
• 1:41:17
  SPEAKER_02: But she didn't judge me, she didn't judge me, even if she knew.
• 1:41:21
  SPEAKER_02: She didn't judge me and she goes, you need to go home.
• 1:41:24
  SPEAKER_02: So I was on this bender from like Tuesday to Thursday, well, Monday to Thursday or so.
• 1:41:31
  SPEAKER_02: Wednesdays when I had gone to work.
• 1:41:33
  SPEAKER_02: I decided I was gonna try to go to work because I wasn't I didn't work on Monday.
• 1:41:36
  SPEAKER_02: So Monday I was not at work, and then Tuesday I called in to work.
• 1:41:41
  SPEAKER_02: Wednesday I tried to go to work last time early.
• 1:41:44
  SPEAKER_02: So at this point, um uh my boss had texted me on Wednesday and she told me, and this is what this is where God used somebody who wasn't even in church to finally get through to me.
• 1:41:58
  SPEAKER_02: Because she texted me, she goes, Amy, if you need help, there's help for you.
• 1:42:05
  SPEAKER_02: All you gotta do is ask.
• 1:42:07
  SPEAKER_02: And that's one thing I did not ever want to do.
• 1:42:09
  SPEAKER_02: I never wanted to ask people who pray for me.
• 1:42:11
  SPEAKER_02: I never wanted to ask for help.
• 1:42:12
  SPEAKER_02: I just went to her phone, and when she told me that, I completely it broke me.
• 1:42:17
  SPEAKER_02: It finally like got through my head.
• 1:42:21
  SPEAKER_02: I texted my brother and I texted my cousin, Robert.
• 1:42:24
  SPEAKER_02: I said, please pray for me.
• 1:42:27
  SPEAKER_02: Please pray for me.
• 1:42:29
  SPEAKER_02: That Thursday.
• 1:42:31
  SPEAKER_02: I had texted him on the I believe I texted him Wednesday or Thursday, and I said, please pray for me.
• 1:42:36
  SPEAKER_02: I was at my mom's house, it was like 6 30, and I'm leaving to go home.
• 1:42:40
  SPEAKER_02: My mom's like, please don't go, Amy, because again, I'm still drunk.
• 1:42:43
  SPEAKER_02: Amy, please go.
• 1:42:44
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, No, I'm leaving.
• 1:42:46
  SPEAKER_02: So I left.
• 1:42:47
  SPEAKER_02: All I remember is getting another bottle of alcohol.
• 1:42:49
  SPEAKER_02: That was like at 6 30.
• 1:42:51
  SPEAKER_02: I woke up at 9 something in my driveway.
• 1:42:55
  SPEAKER_02: I have no idea.
• 1:42:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how you got there.
• 1:42:57
  SPEAKER_02: From don't know that was all gone.
• 1:42:59
  SPEAKER_02: And my best friend had to come out and he had to help me out of the car.
• 1:43:02
  SPEAKER_02: He had to turn my car off.
• 1:43:04
  SPEAKER_02: Help me out of the car and help me in.
• 1:43:06
  SPEAKER_02: I fell asleep.
• 1:43:07
  SPEAKER_02: I had no, I lost my wallet.
• 1:43:09
  SPEAKER_02: I lost all I lost everything.
• 1:43:10
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know where my wallet or anything was.
• 1:43:13
  SPEAKER_02: Um, he put me inside the next day.
• 1:43:16
  SPEAKER_02: I text my brother because I was like, I can't do this.
• 1:43:19
  SPEAKER_02: I can't.
• 1:43:19
  SPEAKER_02: It was January 15th of 2020 when it was on a Friday.
• 1:43:22
  SPEAKER_02: I text my brother, said, Do you have church tonight?
• 1:43:25
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you service something because I just need to, I just need to go.
• 1:43:30
  SPEAKER_02: He goes, No.
• 1:43:31
  SPEAKER_02: He goes, We don't have church, but we have praise team practice.
• 1:43:33
  SPEAKER_02: I said, Uh can you pick me up?
• 1:43:35
  SPEAKER_02: I want to go.
• 1:43:37
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, yeah, I'll pick you up at five.
• 1:43:39
  SPEAKER_02: He picked me up at five o'clock.
• 1:43:41
  SPEAKER_02: I went with him to praise team practice.
• 1:43:43
  SPEAKER_02: They're singing that song, Overcomer.
• 1:43:49
  SPEAKER_02: And they're practicing it.
• 1:43:52
  SPEAKER_02: And I was sitting on the second row just watching him, and I remember tears just started flowing down my eyes.
• 1:43:59
  SPEAKER_02: My cousin Robert was there and he locked eyes with me.
• 1:44:02
  SPEAKER_02: He seen and he knew he came down, he started praying with me, and in an instant, God delivered me and just restored me in a praise team practice right now.
• 1:44:12
  SPEAKER_02: Praise God.
• 1:44:13
  SPEAKER_02: He delivered me.
• 1:44:14
  SPEAKER_02: I never, like after that night, had never had a desire to drink alcohol.
• 1:44:21
  SPEAKER_02: Nothing.
• 1:44:22
  SPEAKER_02: And since then, I've never looked back.
• 1:44:26
  SPEAKER_02: I started going to church that Sunday.
• 1:44:29
  SPEAKER_02: I started, I went to I decided I want to go to Bantica because that's where my family was.
• 1:44:33
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 1:44:34
  SPEAKER_02: My mom, my mom got to see me sober, my mom got to see me live for God.
• 1:44:39
  SPEAKER_02: In 2021, we ended up at the end of 2021, we ended up finding out she had stage four cancer.
• 1:44:44
  SPEAKER_01: Oh gosh.
• 1:44:46
  SPEAKER_02: And so through that, I was able to take care of her.
• 1:44:50
  SPEAKER_02: I was able to like these are things God knew when it was time.
• 1:44:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:44:58
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm telling you, when I say healing, nobody talks about how painful healing can be.
• 1:45:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes.
• 1:45:06
  SPEAKER_02: First year, I'm telling you, I probably cried for a year straight.
• 1:45:09
  SPEAKER_02: It's a little inspiration, but because I finally started feeling all of these emotions, yeah, it's grief.
• 1:45:15
  SPEAKER_02: And I numbed, I I allowed myself to go through all of it, and God began to heal me, and I began to finally heal.
• 1:45:24
  SPEAKER_02: There's still parts of me that are still healing.
• 1:45:27
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:45:28
  SPEAKER_02: But I was able to be who my mom needed me to be.
• 1:45:33
  SPEAKER_02: I was with her through her time.
• 1:45:35
  SPEAKER_02: She got to see me live for God.
• 1:45:37
  SPEAKER_02: She got to see me, you know, thrive and and change my life around.
• 1:45:43
  SPEAKER_02: I for her until she passed away.
• 1:45:46
  SPEAKER_02: And she passed away in May of 22.
• 1:45:49
  SPEAKER_02: And had I not ran back to God, I wouldn't have been able to get through that.
• 1:45:56
  SPEAKER_02: There's no way until both losing my dad and then my mom just a year and a half later.
• 1:46:03
  SPEAKER_02: There's no way.
• 1:46:03
  SPEAKER_02: So God knew what he was doing.
• 1:46:06
  SPEAKER_02: And I did struggle still for a good couple of years with God.
• 1:46:13
  SPEAKER_02: How did you forgive me for what I did?
• 1:46:15
  SPEAKER_02: Because anytime Mother's Day rolls around, or anytime December rolls around, those feelings are still very real for me.
• 1:46:23
  SPEAKER_02: It's been 11 years and it's still very real for me.
• 1:46:27
  SPEAKER_01: And do you feel like you've forgiven yourself?
• 1:46:32
  SPEAKER_02: I now I feel like I have am in a place where I can really understand that God has forgiven me because I couldn't, even though I knew it was under the blood and I was living for God, I didn't know how to really understand how God can do that.
• 1:46:48
  SPEAKER_02: But it was in a moment where and it wasn't until like 2023, maybe, our um Pastor Richardson was our pastor, and now he's our bishop.
• 1:46:58
  SPEAKER_02: And in 2023, uh Pastor Rodriguez took over our church.
• 1:47:04
  SPEAKER_02: And I didn't know how or have a relationship with them until then, and God has allowed me to develop a relationship with them, and I absolutely love them.
• 1:47:13
  SPEAKER_02: They are the first pastors that I've had that I felt like I could submit myself to, if that makes any sense.
• 1:47:20
  SPEAKER_00: It does.
• 1:47:31
  SPEAKER_02: But with them, it was different.
• 1:47:33
  SPEAKER_02: And they were the ones I was able to finally open up to about what and when I did, I was able to be transparent.
• 1:47:42
  SPEAKER_02: And I felt like in that moment was when I was really able to release and like understand that God forgave me.
• 1:47:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:47:52
  SPEAKER_02: Even though I completed before, you know what I mean?
• 1:47:56
  SPEAKER_02: And now, like just to see like what God's done in my life since I got back, it's insane.
• 1:48:03
  SPEAKER_02: Like I know I'm part of the music ministry.
• 1:48:06
  SPEAKER_02: I'm on the praise team and I absolutely love it.
• 1:48:09
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, children's ministry, something that I always wanted to do, but never saw myself really doing if I could do it.
• 1:48:17
  SPEAKER_02: And it's allowed me to be used there.
• 1:48:19
  SPEAKER_02: And these are things where I'm like, man, God, can you still use me?
• 1:48:23
  SPEAKER_02: But it always brings me back to once God has a call on your life, He doesn't take it away.
• 1:48:28
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 1:48:29
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 1:48:29
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:48:30
  SPEAKER_01: He does He's relentless in his pursuit.
• 1:48:33
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 1:48:33
  SPEAKER_02: And so things that I used to do when I used to be bold and everything in the spirit, before when I lived for God when I was younger, I'm finding my way back there now because it's taking some time.
• 1:48:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:48:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:48:45
  SPEAKER_02: I still think about it like, all right, that was before I ever did all of this stuff, and before I turn my back on God, right?
• 1:48:52
  SPEAKER_02: But God's showing me slowly, and I'm allowing him to finally really.
• 1:48:57
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, he's probably wanted me to see this already, but I'm finally starting to see and understand that God's not, He's not, He doesn't punish us.
• 1:49:07
  SPEAKER_02: Because you know He doesn't punish us, He just pull things against us just as we turned our back.
• 1:49:15
  SPEAKER_02: And so now He's really, really showing me in my relationship and walk with Him that I'm you know He still has his hand on my life the way He did before, and it's just been amazing.
• 1:49:29
  SPEAKER_02: Um, even with doing this podcast, I'm gonna tell you real quick, I know we are on a time French, I'm gonna tell you really quick though, God orchestrated me to so camp meeting on this this year.
• 1:49:42
  SPEAKER_02: I've never been to camp meeting before.
• 1:49:45
  SPEAKER_02: My cousin happened to tell me me, Are you gonna go to camp meeting?
• 1:49:47
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, No, I'm not gonna go.
• 1:49:49
  SPEAKER_02: It's like all right, well, we're gonna be there if you decide to go on like Friday night or whatnot.
• 1:49:54
  SPEAKER_02: All right, we'll think about it.
• 1:49:56
  SPEAKER_02: I'll think about it.
• 1:49:57
  SPEAKER_02: Well, everybody that normally goes for the one night happened to Not be going this year.
• 1:50:01
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to go by myself.
• 1:50:02
  SPEAKER_02: I told my best friend Tosh.
• 1:50:04
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, man, yeah, like talking about camp meetings.
• 1:50:07
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, When is camp meeting?
• 1:50:09
  SPEAKER_02: I go next Friday.
• 1:50:10
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, I want to go.
• 1:50:11
  SPEAKER_02: And mind you, Tosh, my my best friend, she's very like, she has social anxiety.
• 1:50:16
  SPEAKER_02: Like, she doesn't like to be in big crowds, right?
• 1:50:18
  SPEAKER_02: She just very comfortable, but she doesn't like to be in big crowds.
• 1:50:23
  SPEAKER_02: And she knows it's a big crowd because we talked about it before.
• 1:50:26
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, I want to go.
• 1:50:28
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, what?
• 1:50:30
  SPEAKER_02: I want to go.
• 1:50:31
  SPEAKER_02: I said, all right.
• 1:50:32
  SPEAKER_02: I said, we're gonna go then.
• 1:50:33
  SPEAKER_02: Let's let's do this.
• 1:50:36
  SPEAKER_02: So we planned, we we decide to go.
• 1:50:38
  SPEAKER_02: We get out there, and I see Mike Torres.
• 1:50:41
  SPEAKER_02: I haven't seen him in 20 years because he's lived with and I knew him from before.
• 1:50:47
  SPEAKER_02: And I was I was very close to him because he was uh he was married into my best friend's family, at my childhood best friend's family, and we were just all very close.
• 1:50:58
  SPEAKER_02: I haven't seen him in years.
• 1:50:59
  SPEAKER_02: I have him on social media, though.
• 1:51:01
  SPEAKER_02: I see him on social media, but I hadn't seen him in person, and I was like, I need to talk to him, I need to talk to him.
• 1:51:08
  SPEAKER_02: I just felt like I need to talk to him, and I did.
• 1:51:10
  SPEAKER_02: I went up to him and I said, Hey, like, all right, and he seen me and he was like, Oh my god.
• 1:51:17
  SPEAKER_02: So like he's like, and we got to see each other, we got to connect.
• 1:51:22
  SPEAKER_02: And he told me, Amy, I've prayed for you through all these years.
• 1:51:26
  SPEAKER_02: I've prayed for you because you're somebody that I've always thought about.
• 1:51:29
  SPEAKER_02: And he's like, You've always had you and my daughter, Hayley, have always had this pure spirit about you.
• 1:51:38
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, like I was so worried that life would take that from you.
• 1:51:44
  SPEAKER_02: I've always prayed for you because it's you just had this pure, like you have pure intentions and you're kidding and everything.
• 1:51:52
  SPEAKER_02: And he's like, and I prayed for you, and I'm just so happy to see that you're living for God.
• 1:51:56
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, and God, you know, let me know that you are not, you didn't lose that, you know, and I do and see you living for God.
• 1:52:05
  SPEAKER_02: I could see that he's like, But he's like, I think you would be perfect for this podcast.
• 1:52:11
  SPEAKER_02: And I even told him, I was like, nah, like, I don't know if I could do that.
• 1:52:14
  SPEAKER_02: But I when God kind of checked me because I knew that he was gonna, I knew that I was going to be sharing my testimony.
• 1:52:22
  SPEAKER_02: God's already confirmed that.
• 1:52:32
  SPEAKER_02: Like, he orchestrated it 100%.
• 1:52:36
  SPEAKER_02: And when you asked God's day, I was like, All right, God, like, yeah, because because I told Mike, I was like, I'll think about it.
• 1:52:44
  SPEAKER_02: I go, go ahead and share my information, but I'm gonna think about it because I may not be ready.
• 1:52:48
  SPEAKER_02: But God, like, God orchestrated it all, and He confirmed for me that night that yes, this is what you need to.
• 1:52:57
  SPEAKER_01: And it's just Well, I I'm so glad that you did.
• 1:53:01
  SPEAKER_01: There's so much power in confession.
• 1:53:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, something I don't I never really understood, but when God really begins to heal us, He's trying to uproot and and excavate everything that we buried in our heart.
• 1:53:19
  SPEAKER_01: So the more, you know, when it says we overcome by the blood lamb and the word of our testimony, you know, there's power in talking about that and and releasing it so that it doesn't continue to beat us up and cause us to hold shame.
• 1:53:34
  SPEAKER_01: And we invite, I, you know, I tell people this when you can start addressing it, if you can just invite God into that place, let Him take it.
• 1:53:47
  SPEAKER_01: He wants to take it, He wants to unpluck it all.
• 1:53:50
  SPEAKER_01: If we can just release it.
• 1:53:52
  SPEAKER_01: And the hardest thing, like you said, is um to forgive ourselves.
• 1:53:59
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I I have a situation that I feel like the enemy just constantly brings to mind.
• 1:54:06
  SPEAKER_01: And and uh, you know, that one has been the hardest.
• 1:54:13
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I've forgiven myself, I've confessed it, I I know that the Lord has forgiven me, but because I loved it was about my son, because I loved my son so much, it was a much harder thing for me to let go of, you know.
• 1:54:29
  SPEAKER_01: And um, but I continue, I continue to give it to God.
• 1:54:35
  SPEAKER_01: Every time it comes up, I just turn it over to him and I ask him to remove that memory so that I can just be free from it.
• 1:54:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I've seen God remove memories, you know, it so the enemy doesn't continue to remind us.
• 1:54:51
  SPEAKER_01: But um man, I I'm I'm so you know, I was thinking as you were talking, you didn't even resemble the person that you were when you first, as you grew up and as you walked with God and as you lived life, you know, very innocent, very, you know, like the world is my playground.
• 1:55:17
  SPEAKER_01: Everything is good.
• 1:55:17
  SPEAKER_01: You just had such trust and such faith.
• 1:55:21
  SPEAKER_01: And um I hope that I mean I don't know that I've heard a testimony like yours that so well describes the slow drift to ultimately the enemy was trying to destroy you, but how slow the drift was, no real, no real things, no real shift, you know.
• 1:55:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you got hurt for sure.
• 1:55:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but as you said, even then you were keeping up some of your boundaries, some of your morals.
• 1:55:58
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 1:55:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I think your your testimony illustrates so well um how blinded we can be to our own condition, thinking we're okay.
• 1:56:10
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the deception um that the enemy, you know, uses.
• 1:56:16
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's just the mercy and the goodness of God.
• 1:56:19
  SPEAKER_01: And Amy, I I'm so grateful.
• 1:56:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm so grateful you're back.
• 1:56:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm grateful for the for the timeline, like in the last five years, my life was turning around in similar fashion at that time.
• 1:56:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I feel like it the Lord is really drawing the prodigals home.
• 1:56:41
  SPEAKER_01: You know, he has been.
• 1:56:43
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think he's always been working on us, but I think there's an escalation or a um a different a different time we're living in with prodigals coming back.
• 1:56:55
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you for sharing your story.
• 1:56:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm so jealous that you can sing.
• 1:57:01
  SPEAKER_01: I would love to hear you sing one day.
• 1:57:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tune into a service.
• 1:57:05
  SPEAKER_01: What a what a gift, what a gift to be able to do that.
• 1:57:10
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 1:57:11
  SPEAKER_01: God is good.
• 1:57:13
  SPEAKER_01: God is well, and and your story is just beginning.
• 1:57:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's just starting.
• 1:57:21
  SPEAKER_02: Amen.
• 1:57:21
  SPEAKER_02: And I believe that 100%.
• 1:57:23
  SPEAKER_02: And I go, I know God has so much planned for life.
• 1:57:27
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just excited.
• 1:57:28
  SPEAKER_02: I'm excited to see where it takes me and where everything goes, you know.
• 1:57:32
  SPEAKER_02: But I appreciate you allowing me to to be on here and to share.
• 1:57:37
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you for thank you for thank you for um opening up and and exposing the things you haven't really talked about before.
• 1:57:50
  SPEAKER_01: I really appreciate it.
• 1:57:52
  SPEAKER_01: I know the people listening will appreciate it, but I I know how difficult that is.
• 1:57:58
  SPEAKER_01: And um, and I appreciate I'm grateful.
• 1:58:01
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you very much.
• 1:58:02
  SPEAKER_01: And um, God bless you.
• 1:58:05
  SPEAKER_01: I I will see you again for sure.
• 1:58:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um I I will definitely reach out and see you again, but but I'm so glad you're good.
• 1:58:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so glad you're back.
• 1:58:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, real quick, I always end with two questions.
• 1:58:19
  SPEAKER_01: What would you say to the prodigal who's still out there?
• 1:58:25
  SPEAKER_02: Just that nothing, there literally is nothing that can pull you too far away from God.
• 1:58:33
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, when you think that you're too broken or when you think that you've too far gone, which is what I thought.
• 1:58:42
  SPEAKER_02: That's what he's ready and willing to just soak you up and bring you back and just make you whole and put you back together.
• 1:58:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's the miracle.
• 1:58:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's a miracle in the making.
• 1:58:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, what would you say to the parent um who's praying for their prodigal?
• 1:59:04
  SPEAKER_02: Do not stop praying.
• 1:59:07
  SPEAKER_02: My mom continued to pray for 14 years and never stopped praying for me.
• 1:59:12
  SPEAKER_02: And those prayers are why I'm where I'm at today.
• 1:59:14
  SPEAKER_02: Do not stop praying.
• 1:59:16
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes it happens quick, sometimes it doesn't.
• 1:59:18
  SPEAKER_02: But if God gave you that promise and God gave, you know, and if God gave it to you and He told you that He's gonna He's gonna take care of it or whatnot, and you're believing have that faith, do not do not give up on that.
• 1:59:35
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, don't stop please don't suffering and don't stop loving your children.
• 1:59:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, that's a good one.
• 1:59:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's a hard one, but it's so needful.
• 1:59:47
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 1:59:48
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you so much, Amelia, and to everyone watching from home.
• 1:59:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, thank you for watching.
• 1:59:55
  SPEAKER_01: If you know anyone that is a prodigal, would you please share um the channel with them?
• 2:00:01
  SPEAKER_01: Share the testimony of Amelia, and we have just so many, everyone has a different story to tell, but but we all share similar.
• 2:00:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um I always say that the circumstances change, but the emotions and the brokenness is pretty consistent across the board, right?
• 2:00:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, pain is pain, sorrow is sorrow, grief is grief, anger and rejection is still anger and rejection, no matter how we get there.
• 2:00:31
  SPEAKER_01: So um, so thank you for watching, and um, hopefully we'll see you again next week.
• 2:00:37
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 2:00:38
  SPEAKER_00: We are so glad you joined us.
• 2:00:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a story of redemption or have worn the label of a backslider, we would love to hear from you.
• 2:00:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you'd like to support our ministry, your donation will be tax deductible.
• 2:00:52
  SPEAKER_00: Visit our website at theredeemedbackslider.org.
• 2:00:56
  SPEAKER_00: We hope you will tune in for our next episode.