Latest / Daily Relationship Tips: Practical Relationship Skills That Help Couples Reconnect / 11 - The 2-Step Method That Stops Arguments Escalating

Transcript

11 - The 2-Step Method That Stops Arguments Escalating · Daily Relationship Tips: Practical Relationship Skills That Help Couples Reconnect

• 0:00
  A
• 0:00
  couple
• 0:01
  I
• 0:01
  worked
• 0:01
  with,
• 0:02
  I'll
• 0:02
  call
• 0:02
  them
• 0:02
  James
• 0:03
  and
• 0:03
  Rachel,
• 0:04
  had
• 0:04
  the
• 0:05
  same
• 0:05
  argument
• 0:05
  every
• 0:06
  few
• 0:06
  weeks.
• 0:07
  It
• 0:07
  always
• 0:08
  started
• 0:08
  small.
• 0:10
  Once
• 0:10
  it
• 0:10
  was
• 0:10
  about
• 0:11
  how
• 0:11
  he'd
• 0:11
  loaded
• 0:11
  the
• 0:12
  dishwasher.
• 0:13
  Another
• 0:13
  time
• 0:14
  it
• 0:14
  was
• 0:14
  about
• 0:14
  being
• 0:15
  late
• 0:15
  to
• 0:15
  a
• 0:15
  family
• 0:16
  dinner.
• 0:17
  The
• 0:17
  subject
• 0:18
  changed.
• 0:19
  The
• 0:19
  ending
• 0:20
  never
• 0:20
  did.
• 0:21
  By
• 0:21
  the
• 0:22
  time
• 0:22
  it
• 0:22
  was
• 0:22
  over,
• 0:23
  they'd
• 0:23
  both
• 0:23
  said
• 0:24
  things
• 0:24
  they
• 0:24
  didn't
• 0:25
  mean.
• 0:25
  And
• 0:26
  neither
• 0:26
  of
• 0:26
  them
• 0:26
  could
• 0:27
  quite
• 0:27
  remember
• 0:27
  how
• 0:28
  it
• 0:28
  had
• 0:28
  got
• 0:28
  that
• 0:29
  far.
• 0:30
  I'm
• 0:30
  Alistair
• 0:31
  Dwes
• 0:32
  and
• 0:32
  this
• 0:32
  is
• 0:32
  the
• 0:32
  daily
• 0:33
  Relationship
• 0:33
  Tips
• 0:34
  podcast
• 0:35
  where
• 0:35
  I
• 0:35
  share
• 0:36
  simple,
• 0:37
  practical
• 0:37
  tools
• 0:38
  to
• 0:38
  help
• 0:38
  you
• 0:38
  and
• 0:39
  your
• 0:39
  partner
• 0:39
  feel
• 0:40
  close,
• 0:40
  connected,
• 0:41
  and
• 0:42
  in
• 0:42
  love
• 0:42
  again,
• 0:43
  one
• 0:44
  small
• 0:44
  habit
• 0:45
  at
• 0:45
  a
• 0:45
  time.
• 0:47
  Now,
• 0:47
  here's
• 0:48
  what
• 0:48
  most
• 0:48
  people
• 0:48
  don't
• 0:49
  realize
• 0:49
  about
• 0:50
  arguments.
• 0:51
  The
• 0:51
  problem
• 0:52
  isn't
• 0:52
  that
• 0:52
  you're
• 0:52
  arguing.
• 0:53
  Arguments
• 0:54
  are
• 0:54
  normal,
• 0:55
  even
• 0:55
  healthy,
• 0:56
  when
• 0:56
  handled
• 0:57
  well.
• 0:58
  The
• 0:58
  problem
• 0:58
  is
• 0:59
  what
• 0:59
  most
• 0:59
  of
• 0:59
  us
• 1:00
  do.
• 1:00
  Once
• 1:00
  an
• 1:00
  argument
• 1:01
  starts,
• 1:02
  we
• 1:02
  stop
• 1:03
  trying
• 1:03
  to
• 1:03
  understand
• 1:04
  our
• 1:04
  partner.
• 1:05
  We
• 1:05
  start
• 1:06
  trying
• 1:06
  to
• 1:06
  win.
• 1:07
  And
• 1:08
  you
• 1:08
  can't
• 1:08
  do
• 1:09
  both
• 1:09
  at
• 1:09
  the
• 1:09
  same
• 1:10
  time.
• 1:11
  So
• 1:12
  understanding
• 1:12
  is
• 1:13
  the
• 1:13
  thing
• 1:13
  that
• 1:14
  changes
• 1:14
  an
• 1:14
  argument
• 1:15
  from
• 1:15
  a
• 1:15
  fight
• 1:16
  into
• 1:16
  a
• 1:16
  conversation.
• 1:18
  And
• 1:18
  when
• 1:18
  you
• 1:19
  make
• 1:19
  understanding
• 1:19
  the
• 1:20
  goal,
• 1:20
  rather
• 1:21
  than
• 1:21
  being
• 1:21
  right,
• 1:22
  the
• 1:22
  whole
• 1:23
  dynamic
• 1:23
  shifts.
• 1:25
  Now,
• 1:25
  here's
• 1:26
  what
• 1:26
  most
• 1:26
  people
• 1:27
  get
• 1:28
  when
• 1:28
  tensions
• 1:29
  rise.
• 1:30
  The
• 1:30
  instinct
• 1:31
  is
• 1:31
  to
• 1:31
  get
• 1:31
  louder,
• 1:32
  more
• 1:33
  insistent,
• 1:34
  to
• 1:34
  repeat
• 1:35
  your
• 1:35
  point
• 1:35
  more
• 1:35
  clearly,
• 1:36
  as
• 1:37
  if
• 1:37
  the
• 1:37
  problem
• 1:37
  is
• 1:38
  just
• 1:38
  that
• 1:38
  your
• 1:38
  partner
• 1:39
  hasn't
• 1:39
  heard
• 1:40
  you
• 1:40
  yet.
• 1:41
  But
• 1:41
  when
• 1:42
  both
• 1:42
  people
• 1:42
  are
• 1:42
  in
• 1:43
  that
• 1:43
  mode,
• 1:44
  nobody's
• 1:44
  listening.
• 1:45
  You're
• 1:46
  both
• 1:46
  just
• 1:47
  waiting
• 1:47
  to
• 1:47
  speak.
• 1:49
  James
• 1:49
  and
• 1:49
  Rachel
• 1:50
  were
• 1:50
  doing
• 1:51
  exactly
• 1:51
  that.
• 1:52
  They
• 1:52
  weren't
• 1:53
  bad
• 1:53
  people.
• 1:54
  They'd
• 1:54
  just
• 1:55
  never
• 1:55
  been
• 1:55
  taught
• 1:56
  what
• 1:56
  to
• 1:56
  do
• 1:56
  when
• 1:57
  an
• 1:57
  argument
• 1:57
  started
• 1:58
  gaining
• 1:58
  momentum.
• 2:00
  Their
• 2:00
  pattern
• 2:01
  was
• 2:02
  small
• 2:02
  issue,
• 2:03
  growing
• 2:03
  frustration,
• 2:04
  raised
• 2:05
  voices,
• 2:05
  hurtful
• 2:06
  words,
• 2:07
  then
• 2:07
  silence,
• 2:08
  and
• 2:08
  moving
• 2:08
  on
• 2:09
  without
• 2:09
  any
• 2:10
  real
• 2:10
  resolution.
• 2:12
  Two
• 2:12
  weeks
• 2:12
  later,
• 2:13
  the
• 2:13
  same
• 2:13
  issue
• 2:14
  would
• 2:14
  resurface.
• 2:15
  And
• 2:15
  the
• 2:15
  emotional
• 2:16
  residue
• 2:16
  from
• 2:17
  the
• 2:17
  last
• 2:17
  argument
• 2:18
  made
• 2:18
  the
• 2:18
  new
• 2:18
  one
• 2:19
  worse.
• 2:21
  So
• 2:21
  when
• 2:21
  I
• 2:22
  started
• 2:22
  working
• 2:22
  with
• 2:22
  them,
• 2:23
  I
• 2:23
  gave
• 2:23
  them
• 2:24
  a
• 2:24
  two
• 2:24
  step
• 2:24
  process.
• 2:26
  Simple
• 2:26
  but
• 2:27
  effective.
• 2:28
  Step
• 2:29
  one,
• 2:29
  take
• 2:30
  a
• 2:30
  short
• 2:30
  break.
• 2:31
  Not
• 2:31
  a
• 2:31
  long
• 2:31
  one.
• 2:32
  Even
• 2:32
  five
• 2:32
  or
• 2:33
  ten
• 2:33
  minutes
• 2:33
  is
• 2:33
  enough.
• 2:34
  Just
• 2:35
  long
• 2:35
  enough
• 2:35
  to
• 2:36
  let
• 2:36
  the
• 2:36
  heat
• 2:36
  settle.
• 2:38
  You
• 2:38
  can
• 2:38
  say
• 2:38
  something
• 2:39
  like,
• 2:39
  I
• 2:39
  need
• 2:40
  a
• 2:40
  few
• 2:40
  minutes.
• 2:41
  Can
• 2:41
  we
• 2:41
  come
• 2:41
  back
• 2:42
  to
• 2:42
  this?
• 2:43
  That's
• 2:43
  it.
• 2:44
  Short,
• 2:45
  calm,
• 2:45
  no
• 2:45
  drama.
• 2:48
  Come
• 2:48
  back
• 2:48
  and
• 2:48
  shift
• 2:49
  your
• 2:49
  goal.
• 2:50
  Instead
• 2:50
  of
• 2:50
  returning
• 2:51
  to
• 2:51
  make
• 2:51
  your
• 2:51
  point
• 2:51
  again,
• 2:52
  come
• 2:53
  back
• 2:53
  to
• 2:53
  understand
• 2:54
  your
• 2:54
  partners.
• 2:57
  It
• 2:57
  seems
• 2:58
  like
• 2:58
  we
• 2:58
  don't
• 2:59
  see
• 2:59
  eye
• 2:59
  to
• 2:59
  eye
• 3:00
  on
• 3:00
  this.
• 3:01
  Can
• 3:02
  you
• 3:02
  help
• 3:02
  me
• 3:02
  understand
• 3:03
  what
• 3:03
  you're
• 3:04
  thinking
• 3:04
  and
• 3:04
  feeling?
• 3:06
  That
• 3:06
  one
• 3:06
  question
• 3:07
  does
• 3:07
  a
• 3:07
  lot
• 3:07
  of
• 3:07
  work.
• 3:08
  It
• 3:09
  shows
• 3:09
  your
• 3:09
  partner
• 3:10
  you're
• 3:10
  genuinely
• 3:11
  listening,
• 3:12
  not
• 3:12
  just
• 3:13
  waiting.
• 3:14
  It
• 3:14
  gives
• 3:15
  them
• 3:15
  room
• 3:15
  to
• 3:16
  share
• 3:16
  what's
• 3:16
  really
• 3:17
  going
• 3:17
  on,
• 3:18
  not
• 3:18
  just
• 3:18
  the
• 3:19
  surface
• 3:19
  issue.
• 3:20
  And
• 3:21
  it
• 3:21
  almost
• 3:21
  always
• 3:22
  reveals
• 3:22
  that
• 3:23
  the
• 3:23
  argument
• 3:23
  isn't
• 3:24
  really
• 3:24
  about
• 3:24
  the
• 3:25
  dishwasher.
• 3:26
  For
• 3:27
  James
• 3:27
  and
• 3:27
  Rachel,
• 3:28
  the
• 3:28
  dishwasher
• 3:29
  argument
• 3:29
  turned
• 3:30
  out
• 3:30
  to
• 3:30
  be
• 3:30
  about
• 3:30
  feeling
• 3:31
  unappreciated.
• 3:33
  Once
• 3:33
  they
• 3:33
  got
• 3:34
  to
• 3:34
  that,
• 3:34
  the
• 3:35
  conversation
• 3:35
  changed
• 3:36
  completely.
• 3:37
  They
• 3:38
  stopped
• 3:38
  debating
• 3:39
  the
• 3:39
  right
• 3:39
  way
• 3:39
  to
• 3:40
  stack
• 3:40
  plates
• 3:41
  and
• 3:41
  started
• 3:41
  talking
• 3:42
  about
• 3:43
  what
• 3:43
  they
• 3:43
  actually
• 3:43
  needed
• 3:44
  from
• 3:44
  each
• 3:45
  other.
• 3:46
  That's
• 3:46
  when
• 3:46
  things
• 3:47
  began
• 3:47
  to
• 3:48
  shift.
• 3:49
  The
• 3:49
  couples
• 3:49
  who
• 3:49
  learn
• 3:50
  to
• 3:50
  pause
• 3:51
  and
• 3:51
  then
• 3:51
  come
• 3:51
  back
• 3:52
  with
• 3:52
  that
• 3:52
  question
• 3:53
  stop
• 3:53
  having
• 3:54
  the
• 3:54
  same
• 3:54
  fight
• 3:55
  on
• 3:55
  repeat.
• 3:56
  Not
• 3:57
  because
• 3:57
  the
• 3:57
  issues
• 3:57
  disappear,
• 3:59
  but
• 3:59
  because
• 3:59
  they
• 3:59
  finally
• 4:00
  get
• 4:00
  addressed.
• 4:02
  So
• 4:02
  here's
• 4:03
  your
• 4:03
  challenge
• 4:03
  for
• 4:04
  today.
• 4:05
  Think
• 4:05
  about
• 4:05
  a
• 4:05
  recent
• 4:06
  argument
• 4:06
  with
• 4:06
  your
• 4:07
  partner.
• 4:08
  How
• 4:08
  did
• 4:08
  it
• 4:08
  end?
• 4:09
  And
• 4:10
  be
• 4:10
  honest.
• 4:11
  Did
• 4:11
  either
• 4:12
  of
• 4:12
  you
• 4:12
  actually
• 4:13
  feel
• 4:13
  heard?
• 4:14
  If
• 4:14
  not,
• 4:15
  the
• 4:15
  issue
• 4:15
  probably
• 4:16
  isn't
• 4:16
  resolved.
• 4:17
  It's
• 4:18
  just
• 4:18
  waiting.
• 4:20
  So
• 4:20
  this
• 4:20
  week,
• 4:21
  when
• 4:21
  you
• 4:21
  feel
• 4:21
  an
• 4:22
  argument
• 4:22
  starting
• 4:22
  to
• 4:23
  escalate,
• 4:23
  try
• 4:24
  the
• 4:24
  two
• 4:24
  steps.
• 4:25
  Take
• 4:25
  the
• 4:25
  break.
• 4:26
  Come
• 4:26
  back.
• 4:27
  Ask
• 4:27
  the
• 4:28
  question.
• 4:29
  Notice
• 4:29
  what
• 4:30
  happens
• 4:30
  when
• 4:30
  your
• 4:31
  partner
• 4:31
  feels
• 4:32
  like
• 4:32
  you
• 4:32
  genuinely
• 4:32
  want
• 4:33
  to
• 4:33
  understand
• 4:33
  them.
• 4:34
  Not
• 4:34
  just
• 4:35
  win.
• 4:36
  Because
• 4:36
  here's
• 4:37
  what
• 4:37
  this
• 4:37
  means.
• 4:38
  Long
• 4:38
  term
• 4:40
  couples
• 4:40
  who
• 4:40
  learn
• 4:40
  to
• 4:41
  argue
• 4:41
  with
• 4:41
  curiosity
• 4:42
  instead
• 4:42
  of
• 4:43
  combat
• 4:43
  don't
• 4:44
  stop
• 4:44
  disagreeing.
• 4:45
  But
• 4:46
  they
• 4:46
  stop
• 4:46
  carrying
• 4:47
  unresolved
• 4:47
  resentment
• 4:48
  from
• 4:49
  one
• 4:49
  argument
• 4:49
  into
• 4:50
  the
• 4:50
  next.
• 4:51
  They
• 4:52
  clear
• 4:52
  the
• 4:52
  air
• 4:53
  instead
• 4:53
  of
• 4:53
  building
• 4:53
  pressure.
• 4:55
  And
• 4:55
  over
• 4:56
  time,
• 4:56
  that
• 4:57
  changes
• 4:57
  everything.
• 4:58
  More
• 4:59
  trust.
• 4:59
  More
• 5:00
  safety.
• 5:00
  More
• 5:01
  closeness.
• 5:02
  Resolving
• 5:03
  arguments
• 5:04
  calmly
• 5:04
  isn't
• 5:05
  about
• 5:05
  keeping
• 5:05
  the
• 5:06
  peace,
• 5:06
  it's
• 5:07
  about
• 5:07
  building
• 5:07
  it.
• 5:08
  Take
• 5:09
  that
• 5:09
  challenge
• 5:09
  seriously
• 5:10
  today.
• 5:12
  Think
• 5:12
  about
• 5:12
  a
• 5:12
  recent
• 5:13
  argument
• 5:14
  and
• 5:14
  ask
• 5:15
  yourself
• 5:15
  whether
• 5:16
  your
• 5:16
  partner
• 5:16
  really
• 5:17
  felt
• 5:17
  heard
• 5:19
  if
• 5:19
  they
• 5:19
  didn't.
• 5:19
  Try
• 5:20
  that
• 5:20
  question
• 5:21
  the
• 5:21
  next
• 5:21
  time
• 5:22
  things
• 5:22
  heat
• 5:22
  up.
• 5:24
  One
• 5:24
  small
• 5:24
  shift
• 5:25
  in
• 5:25
  how
• 5:25
  you
• 5:25
  argue
• 5:26
  can
• 5:27
  change
• 5:27
  how
• 5:27
  close
• 5:28
  you
• 5:28
  feel.
• 5:30
  Now,
• 5:30
  if
• 5:30
  you
• 5:30
  want
• 5:31
  to
• 5:31
  keep
• 5:31
  your
• 5:31
  learning
• 5:31
  going,
• 5:32
  Everything
• 5:33
  starts
• 5:33
  at
• 5:33
  dailyrelationshiptips.com
• 5:36
  Take
• 5:37
  the
• 5:37
  free
• 5:37
  quiz
• 5:38
  to
• 5:38
  find
• 5:38
  your
• 5:39
  easy
• 5:39
  wins.
• 5:40
  Then
• 5:40
  dig
• 5:40
  into
• 5:41
  the
• 5:41
  relationship
• 5:41
  resources
• 5:42
  I've
• 5:42
  put
• 5:43
  together
• 5:44
  to
• 5:44
  help
• 5:44
  you
• 5:44
  put
• 5:44
  these
• 5:45
  habits
• 5:45
  into
• 5:46
  practice.
• 5:47
  Everything
• 5:47
  you
• 5:48
  need
• 5:48
  to
• 5:49
  create
• 5:49
  a
• 5:49
  happier,
• 5:50
  more
• 5:50
  loving
• 5:50
  and
• 5:51
  connected
• 5:51
  relationship
• 5:52
  is
• 5:52
  waiting
• 5:53
  for
• 5:53
  you.
• 5:54
  Thanks
• 5:54
  for
• 5:54
  listening
• 5:55
  and
• 5:55
  I'll
• 5:55
  see
• 5:56
  you
• 5:56
  in
• 5:56
  the
• 5:56
  next
• 5:56
  episode.