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From Trauma to Triumph: Taylor's Journey of Healing and Advocacy · Surviving-ISH Podcast

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: In every dark tunnel there's a glimmer of hope.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: In every painful moment there's a strength to heal anyway what I thought I could never get back.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Surviving Podcast Taylor man.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being here.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, of course.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: Thanks for having me dude.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: We had gosh 30-minute conversation off the record and we could have been recording that conversation.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: We just immediately clicked.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: I'm so excited about what we're going to be discussing today and wherever it takes us, but before we get started, tell us about you.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: So I'm Taylor.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: I guess I can do kind of a quick laundry list.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: I'm a veteran.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: I'm a Wounded Warrior, cb veteran and I was a victim advocate as well during that time and a trainer of victim advocates.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: So last year in January I retired from being a victim advocate and a trainer in that world after about 21 years.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: So it was a large part of my life.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: But the victim advocate is always there.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: That's never going away.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: Thankfully, I've been a teacher for a real long time I'll be 43 this month but I started actually teaching when I was 14, helping out and doing stuff like that.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: So that's been a large part of myself and just who I am.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: At my core I'm an artist and a spiritual practitioner and a healer.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: So that's a big chunk of who I am.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: And then I've got my five and a half year old golden retriever Scrabble.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Thank you for sharing that with us, and if anyone hasn't checked you out on TikTok, of course I'll share all the links, but it is such as a victim slash survivor you can always just look in someone's eyes or hear someone's voice and know it's a safe place immediately, and you provide that on your platform.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it means the world that you do that, so thank you for that.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: Would you mind to tell us how?
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: What got you so adamant about being a voice for victim advocacy?
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: I don't even know where one would begin.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: It's just been over two decades now since jumping into that life.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: Really, what the passion about it, the depth and the energetic kind of soul, pull of purpose there happened because of the influence that my therapist had on me.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: The second therapist I had in my life was DV, specifically DV survivors that's the world that she was in as a therapist.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: I just was blown away at how truly helpful it was to have somebody specific in a specific area of expertise and also support for survivors and anyone currently like being a victim, currently ongoing situations, and so I've always been outspoken, um, very like, observant and quiet.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: But if I have, if I feel strong pull and it's from an area of somebody else can't speak up, I most certainly will for them, if there's an okay to do that.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: I recognized that within myself really early on and I found that voice pretty defined not long before I was in that therapy, because that was at 21 years old and there was an organization, a LGBTQIA plus college organization, and someone asked me.
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: An advisor from the college asked me like hey, we really need you to step in if you can take on the role of becoming a president.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: So I found myself finding my voice and being a resource in ways that I hadn't seen coming, because I wasn't prepared for that world of those days of art school and stuff like that.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: I thought I was going into the Navy at 19.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: But through these chapters that were actually pretty recent to the timeframe of when I did become a victim advocate shortly after that therapy timeframe at 21, I just really found a way to where I could be a support system for others and be an advocate and create a space that cultivated warmth and safety.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: But the other flip side of me had to find a way to do that without basically being a hard ass, if you will.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: And the reason why I say that is because I'm a no BS person and I'm extremely intuitive.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: So when I can see right through someone who's really struggling because of what they've been through at the hands of another person and part of that struggle is because of what they're not willing to face within themselves there's that no BS meter.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: It starts flying.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: And so I had to find a way, because at the time I was a swim team coach, I was used to like a different realm of support.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: And so, through the bridge of finding a way to be in both energies.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: I eventually navigated that and just naturally fell into it, which I was grateful for.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: But at first I was genuinely concerned because sometimes people don't want to hear an Aquarian really be like, hey, let's go through.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: We don't.
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: Let's go through something and go through it authentically.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: We owe that to ourselves.
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: That's part of our self-worth and our self-care is that authenticity.
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: So I'm grateful.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: I spent probably like my first six months in that world taking deep breaths once in a while and even telling my partner at the time that, okay, this is going to be an interesting journey, but I got this, let's do this.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: I don't need to like step back out of fear, we'll find the groove.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: So that's like the very beginning kind of journey.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: You were active in therapy at a young age, and that doesn't always happen with people A lot of people you know, especially when you're an eighties baby, cause I'm 42, we're just a few months apart.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Okay Cool, my birthday's in July and I'll be 43.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: So we're just a few months apart.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: Okay, cool, my birthday is in July and I'll be 43.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: So we're just a few months apart.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: So, being that 80s, 90s baby it was, and we're told your boys, just spot out in the yard, Boys will be boys.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: You've got to.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: You've got to be this, you've got to be that.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: Women has to be this way and that just gets implanted in us.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: And one of the blessings I had was my family was very much into mental health and I went to therapy and learned so much from that that I've still carried on 20 years, 30 years later.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: So you said your therapy was you were placed there because of it was a domestic violence specialist um yeah, so I basically had like other than the military.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: When I was in other than the military I had two therapists.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: One was my starting therapist at 17 shortly, and so that wasn't specific at all.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: But the one in the middle of that journey was the other therapist that was specific for Mia's just having survived and escaped DB, and so that was actually a resource that the city and the county provided, as they got free food stamps, free bus tokens and then free therapy and then free therapy I think that was the majority of it and then check-ins here and there.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: But because I took the different steps, like that specific journey that led me there, those resources came after connecting with the authorities, like initially running to the station itself and then at one point law enforcement coming to the house, and so after the eventual unfolding of everything, that's when I got those resources and then that's where therapy started with that person at 21 years old.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: You had mentioned being a healer.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: Can you tell us what that means for you?
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, gosh, I don't think that there's ever been a time that I've really plugged it into an overarching single definition, but I will do my best.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: So, essentially, everything is energy right, and when we we are, it's like what we were talking about earlier, where, when we're responsible for our own energy, um, we're able to reach a level of healing that we go through, and so, because of our energetic what's going on with our soul's energy and our frequency body, we're better able to have healing exchanges with another energetic situation, which is a soul or an environment.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: People places things in this instance obviously people, and as an overarching, I include the environment on this for sure and so we're better able to have a healing exchange with another person just by our frequency, the vibration and the frequency that we're personally of, we feel pulled to like really deep things in a large manner in terms of humanity and also in terms of the environment, and obviously animals are part of that.
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: So it's the bridge of all that.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: And then, because so where the healer side of things comes, in terms of my own perspective and what I also help support others navigating like questions about like I've had folks after saying to them like 10 times over, you're a healer, 10 times over you're a healer.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: But because we're used to talking about healing and more traditional kind of boxes, there's a whole untapped world of potential of understanding about ourselves as healers.
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: When we are them, we just need to understand.
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: What does it entail?
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: So the healer part is the active helping of another, healing another, going through their own healing, and sometimes it's literally just by being in the presence of their energy and our energy.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: And something is in this dual, this symbiosis of dance of energies and transmutation, transmuting.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: So a really simple example of this would be we're walking down the street and we pass by a stranger and they feel like pulled into our energy and they just start telling us their whole life story or some big, deep, dark secret that, like they usually feel shame about.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: This is my life story, so that's why I'm sharing it.
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: But so somebody, I'm in a conversation with them for a little bit and I'm noticing their body is like unclenching.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: They're slowing.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: They're not intentionally, but their rate of conversation is.
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: The pace is flowing down.
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: There's less tremble in their voice, there's less worry in their eyes, like those things are actively happening before our eyes.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: That's literally sometimes that's what a healer is doing and that's like their only major calling.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: And so that's, to me, a part of that's a side of healer.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: You're a healer and I'm a healer, and yet we have unique imprints to what our souls are called to.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: For me it's the blend of the soul pool to purpose, just feeling deeply called to something, and part of that at this point I understand that part of that is from our own soul contract and the actual time that a soul has actually just moved through lifetimes after lifetimes.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: So we're just imprinting these memories and these pulls to things.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: Then the opening moments of holy cow that just came to, a light bulb just turned on, or we get this spark Some people physically feel like an energetic shift of.
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: I've had moments when I'm channeling.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: It's everybody, all of us are experiencing these things that pull us to realize we're healers or to eventually be told by somebody who's a healer that, hey, you're a healer.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: Really, in my eyes, about the actual action of somebody else is healing because of our intentional movement through energetic exchanges with them.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: And then I also think of it in the sense of just being a shaman and like.
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: For me, a part of my gifts is that I can see.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: I can actually like physically see and feel different layers of the soul.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: Besides, when I'm doing shamanic journeys and going in or doing channel messaging, whatever might be going on, and however spirit, my guides and theirs are helping us to find answers for them that they can answer for themselves.
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: I also believe that being a healer is about not doing someone's healing for them.
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: If we are ever enabling someone or doing anything, that is going to be running a gamut of codependent facets, codependent tendencies, anything of the sort.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: That's not what I think a lot of us, at some point in life, have told ourselves.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: We think that we're helping somebody, when actually, if we're doing someone else's work, how are they going to have?
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: It's just like being in classes If we're doing somebody's work, but they need that deep understanding of something before they take that last like seminar class for their I don't know college degree.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: They're not going to have the tools that they need to equip them with the very thing that matters to them.
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: So it's also about what are we not doing?
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: What are we pulling back from and I think that this aspect is something that all healers also go through quite a bit is that evolution of recognizing boundaries, healthy boundaries?
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: I believe boundaries can actually be a bridge, not a wall that shuts people out.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: It can be a bridge, but that's a whole nother story.
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: So that's what I, that's the nuts and bolts, what I think, what being a healer entails.
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: In some ways, obviously it's like in a nutshell about a very complex thing, but and then also what healing is as well.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: In many ways, you know, I think a lot of people just don't know it about themselves.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: So that's a part of my calling is just one piece of the pie, is what I try to do is just affirm that for people and also, if something needs to be mentioned of you are a healer, but right now, just focus on your own healing.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: That's the most predominant thing.
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: That would probably be for your highest good and the highest good of all.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be in an active healer role if that's what you're feeling called to.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: So let's find the middle ground to help you find your steps and for you to answer those questions for yourself as you go along, and then you can have a healthier, dynamic type of situation.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: And shortly after my attack, I would say getting closer to the year point, because everything was very chaotic that first year, like trying to recover and go to court, these things.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: But people were immediately like when you start speaking about this, you're going to help people.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: And I had the whole thought of I don't even know how to help myself right now.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: I have to figure out how to help myself first before I can help anybody else, Because it could play to detriment if I'm broken and trying to heal someone else.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: I really had to take that time to get to a better place.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: That's amazing.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: You're obviously pretty darn self-aware and now currently in your life, you're at this place to where you're able to have these conversations with people about different layers of self-awareness and that's wrapped up into the gift of what horrendous situations provide eventually for us.
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: But you just hit the nail on the head about something.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: It's like the stuff I was mentioning about the whole becoming a victim advocate.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: It's like there's one massive rule of it's an ethical piece, of that's really informed.
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: It's been the main piece.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: I guess I should say that's always the barometer for what I can see in others.
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: And like when somebody's wanting to be a victim advocate, or even these days, like if I get reached out to by somebody asking for advice of do you think I'm ready for this?
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: I really want to do this.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: I'm also scared, but I'm excited.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: Do you think I'm ready for this?
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: I really wanna do this.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: I'm also scared but I'm excited.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: But do you actually think I'm ready?
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: And after literally like 15 minutes it's pretty easy to see.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: It's a night and day thing for me because if somebody's not ready, then they're gonna be number one talking about their own trauma experiences.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: As victim advocates, we have to help others through, like in terms of the cases that I've worked over the years and helped with.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: That's one of the most vital components is yes, our stories matter.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: Of course they do, you know what I mean but they can't be the main piece of conversation, if any conversation at all.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: It's one of the biggest ethical, healthy boundaries we're supposed to have in that world, especially as credentialed victim advocates.
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: Holy cow, the survivors are really not supposed to catch wind of the details of our stories because the focus needs to be on them, and so there can be if somebody's not ready or if they're just, yeah, we'll just leave it there If somebody's just not ready.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna see it like that because of how somebody is just talking about their experiences.
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: Or there's been times where I'll actually there's been a few rare but a few occasions actually over the last couple of decades where I've actually there's been a few rare but a few occasions actually over the last couple of decades where I've actually been in conversation with, like potential victim advocate and like a close loved one or a colleague or something, and we're all dialoguing.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: It's been for a range of reasons either pre-panel talk or getting to know each other, or just conversations from people I've met over the years in passing, and you can usually see it right away whether or not somebody, when talking about supporting others, all of a sudden the story is about what they've been through and I want to use we, because we're all survivors in that world together want to use we, because we're all survivors in that world together.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: So if we are talking about talking about these very things that we've been through and it's come at a time where we're hijacking somebody else's stories or what they're sharing, that's also usually pretty telling.
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: One of the biggest passions that I've had just in that world alone is helping people find the answers that they need to, aside, like in addition not aside from it, but in addition to their own therapy, where their own therapists can actually help them in perspective, help them find the answers and answer those questions for themselves, but me being in that process with them.
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: If somebody's coming to me for advice or getting trained by me, I just love helping people get to that place that they feel so called to.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: But what's amazing is half the folks that have helped over the years become victim advocates or help them through their initial stages of it don't actually stick through it um very long.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: They end up coming back to it later.
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: Um, because of some tough conversations and some real hard-hitting things that we have to recognize about ourself before we're in the line of fire, and duty and responsibility to care for somebody else's very intense journey when it comes to victim advocacy, because of that's always, if somebody is taking on a case, that means it's that recent if not active.
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: So that's another thing that I really just it's been important to me in terms of being in the world.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, absolutely.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: My podcast is part of me sharing my story and relating with people and vice versa, and most of the guests that I have on have written their books and been through therapy and or their life coaches themselves, and we were in good places to have those conversations, to be soundboards, bouncing and sharing stories off of each other.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: But absolutely when it's time for me to be with a client or just a friend that needs a soundboard, I will listen and I try to not insert my story into yours.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: There's that time and place and I think part of healing is finding that time and place.
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's something that, like, we've all been guilty of.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: I've been guilty of it like a thousand times Back in the day.
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: One of the things it took me a long time to recognize was like about myself was I was sharing my story or opening up If it was, if I felt called to, I would open up and continue in the dialogue with, in passing, I don't know in my 20s like sitting outside in a outside bar spot and just having a drink and chatting with someone and we get into these conversations because I was like heavily in that world of victim advocacy back then and one of the things that I had to learn about myself was one of my connectors that I would utilize subconsciously was utilizing trauma to connect with someone by opening, and I was doing it because I just wanted them to feel comfortable.
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: But it was all meant to be is what I would always say.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: I believe everything is happening for a reason and so I don't want to like shame myself, but just in taking responsibility for my journey, I really had to learn some tough lessons over the first five years of that world and I'm glad that it was like being.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: Those lessons would come in quickly and now I know in life for sure.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: That was like being spiritually guided from spirit guides and then also just my own manifestation energies and what was co-creating with the universe and a higher power was just being led through these tests and these lessons of connectivity with others.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: But it was like being in the ring of fire of needing to understand this stuff just so that my personal journey would be a little bit smoother, because that would help me help others, not in the sense of rushing through more healing, but in the sense of picking up my own pace and being in the sense of where that brings us to intentionality.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: Being in the sense of where that brings us to intentionality.
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: I think when we're just lackadaisical about stuff before we know it, it's something that we want to place intention on.
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: We're not getting to that intention and actual action for a year and I'm so go with the flow.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: As a person, I have to intentionally, even at this point in my life, I have to intentionally, even at this point in my life, I have to intentionally go here.
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: This is the path right here.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: Don't get lost over here, taylor.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: Maybe it's definitely been.
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: It's just been a learning.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: It's been a learning process and so humbling as well, and I think the driving motivation was always like I just wanted to help people because, as you and I both know, it is not only painful to go through our own journeys of surviving different types of trauma, whatever they might be, sometimes just existing at our, as ourselves were traumatized by, by our experience in that at some point.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: That's to each his own, with everybody's unique journeys, but I just want to we understand what it's like to want to help other people experience less, less pain.
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: I just want to do that while also not doing their work for them.
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: So that's been a big chunk of my journey.
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: You know what I mean, which I'm sure you can understand yourself just with your own experiences as well.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: I do have a question for you and I hope that I ask it properly.
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: I'm an open book, so just I was going to say know my heart and know my intent.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: So when you talked about being a healer, I noticed there was spiritual conversation aspects that obviously play into that that you have already been open with.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: Is being a healer?
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: Is that?
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: also a form of mediumship.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: So I have mediumship, I have strong mediumship capabilities for myself personally.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: Mediumship is something that I have strong capabilities with and gifts with, but I intentionally created a very high boundary with that in terms of me not feeling called to that work, that area of work, as an intuitive.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: But mediums can actually be detrimental to people in a very non-healing way if things are handled without understanding what you're doing with what you're doing, what I specifically mean by that, because that could probably be a little confusing for people.
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: So take, for instance, peers in the spiritual world.
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: Take, for instance, peers in the spiritual world.
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: I've met a number of incredibly gifted mediums who are evidentiary mediums that do a lot of work on TikTok and helping folks.
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: One of the things that you're going to find that evidentiary mediums talk about to a profound amount when they are doing healer work in the collective and that's every single one of these people that I'm talking about is they want to make sure that they're leaving the sitter for their reading and their time of connection.
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: They want to make sure that they're leaving the sitter and the seeker better off than they started.
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: But if somebody and so even with evidentiary mediums that just have.
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: They're going from like actual evidence, um, and pulling those things up that help somebody in their journey, and so they're playing an active role in somebody else's healing as not only as a resource but a conduit, because it's really what we are is conduits for folks.
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: If we're working healers, but someone who's a very strong medium, they could actually be very detrimental to somebody's journey in a very non-healing way, to where that can actually become traumatic for somebody to experience.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: If they're fear mongering or if they're doing something that's placing that kind of energy into something.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: Or you have scammers out there.
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of them and they drive through a bunch of fear, and there's just there's so many different, like either side of the coin type of examples.
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: But but so in those moments, in those situations, folks are not healers, it's the.
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: It's yeah, when it comes to mediumship, that's the.
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: That's the best way I can break it down.
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: I have learned to and someone that I say that organically just become a thing that stuck with me that people like that'll probably be on a T-shirt one day is.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: I always say that I learned to enjoy the ride when I remember that first time I laughed because I used to get so frustrated that I couldn't hold on to things or that I would stumble around or had to walk on a walker for a while and if I fell down, even if no one seen it, I would be humiliated and I would stay in bed for days.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: And then I remember one day and I laughed, and it was a laugh that I had not felt or heard in so long.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: It was a brand new kind of laugh and it was the first time that the new David laughed and I was like I want to feel this every day and it really was that pivotal moment in my life that changed everything.
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: And so from there I was like I want to enjoy the ride.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: I can either laugh or cry and damn it, I'm tired of crying.
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: And so I just learned to enjoy it and during that time I reintroduced myself to my inner child and I wanted to play with my inner child.
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: I wanted to be the part, the influential part to my inner child that maybe I didn't have previously.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: Have you thought about, or think about the inner child part or anything, gosh?
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm a giant kid, so like it's, that's just the way it's always been.
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: Like I'm an Aquarius through and through, but I am a Leo moon.
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: We are the folks that like love kids.
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: We can be giant kids.
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: We're all about creativity and passion and fire.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: And so I actually had to find, like I learned that I've basically been doing like inner child healing stuff like my whole life, just the same way as I've basically been doing like inner child healing stuff like my whole life, just the same way as I've been doing shadow work in the spot.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: After a certain point of trauma healing, I had to learn that some of the things that it was existing as or doing in my days were these things that can help.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: It was such a some of the recognition to things has been interesting because I'm all about getting in there and taking care of business like organically, and so I'm trying to think, as far as like inner child stuff, I've just I think number one, inner child stuff, I've just I think number one it's going to look different for everybody.
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: Everybody's inner child are different people.
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: When people have asked so what is this exactly?
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: If I'm doing this, is that going to help heal my inner child.
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: The main thing that I like to say about it is that's helped.
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: My own journey is we just basically have to acknowledge the little kid inside of us.
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: What does that mean?
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: That means that we basically need to reparent ourselves, but we don't have to get rid of some of the ways that we've been parented or conditioned.
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: For some people it's going to be like let me see if I can just transmute everything that I went through as a child and then other times.
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: Some of us are only needing to do that partly.
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: Inner child healing is literally like such a massive part of our healing journey and the more that we give energy to that inner child, the healing, the more we're actually manifesting abundance because the of the way that manifestation works and how energy comes back around and what we're pulling into ourselves and what's dictating like fear running the show and us manifesting stuff that we don't want to experience.
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: Versus we're in a, we're in a.
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: To me it's just layers, like an onion that are coming off, layers of weight, weighted blankets that we're just, we just need to get.
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: We're just trying to find the lighter, the just like how a child weighs a whole lot less than an adult.
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: We're just trying to get into that metaphorically, get down to the lightweight layers and where we're just refinding ourselves, refinding the lightest layers of ourselves.
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: So I don't know, there's just boy, inner child healing is that's extensive 100% my inner child, and what my inner child needs and what even the term inner child means to me is going to be different for you, and that's okay.
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: I think that we like to put things in these boxes.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: Two last questions.
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: I would love to know what the word forgiveness or forgive means for you.
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: It is a word that a lot of people that I speak with battle with, and I know that I had a brutal war with the word forgiveness for a long time, so I would like to know what that means for you.
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I can see it.
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: This is definitely.
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: Just take a look at the fact that so many of us don't even learn that forgive like what it actually is.
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: We don't even learn it until we're like into our middle adult years where we, I think that, like on the younger side of life, we think that forgiveness is this concept where it's about what we're doing for somebody else.
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: It's also partly in the word and the sound of it Give.
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: So of course, it's like psychologically we think it's something else Forgiveness, forgiveness.
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: So the way that I like to feel through this, especially because forgiveness is so, so, so layered, really, it's at the root, what are we giving to ourselves and the more that we give ourselves of dismantling anything that can be related to shame and the blend of where are we taking accountability rather than making excuses for something where there's reasons.
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: This is going into these different maze parts, but at the end of the day, it's what are we giving to ourselves?
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: The amount of people that I've met this is the way I describe it too the amount of people to this day that I know who think that they are the most loving, like sweet, fluffy butterflies, of humans not wanting to hurt a single soul they don't actually realize that they're not functioning in very much compassion is astounding to me how, especially in the empath collective of humanity, which is a whole lot of people and it's because of how much people don't, I think, don't realize how much resentment we do have the potential to hold until we get down to the nitty-gritty roots of something.
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: And that always ends up coming back to us being responsible for why we feel the way that we do.
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: Where is that coming from?
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: What's the root of that, the etymology of that?
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: And we can't be fully compassionate with people unless we're actually there for ourselves.
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: It's like a science teacher that says he's a science teacher and teaching a high school science class when he has no education in that whatsoever or immersement in that field.
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: There's no difference between that kind of thing and like what we're doing with our own lives and how we're approaching it really in terms of what we're saying about things or saying about ourselves.
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: So I think it's always number one.
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: The give inside of that work is always begins with us.
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: So it's all.
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: Forgiveness is always for ourselves.
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: But just as people also say, forgiveness is about what we're giving ourselves, it's also what eventually ends up happening when we're giving to other people, it's what's a part of the give to other people from that point.
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: So I think forgiveness is that and it's also acknowledgement.
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: It's acknowledgement of the layers inside of that and what even brought us to the place of having, of feeling the need to go through forgiveness for others and ourselves at the start of at all of that.
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: So it's like a release.
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: When I say this is, it's like when we have a new home or a new vehicle and we have two sets of keys.
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: Forgiveness is one key is for me, one key is for someone and we can't.
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: But the second key doesn't appear until we've done our own stuff.
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: So it's about taking that key and unlocking and allowing ourselves freedom from being shackled.
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: So that's why I call part of my stuff Unbound Unbinding ourselves.
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: Not just because I'm trans.
• 39:48
  Speaker 2: It's a two-part thing as to why I have that word.
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: It's we're unbinding ourselves from what we're actively keeping ourselves shackled to.
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: In my personal perspective, the only things that we aren't because of what we've been through at the hands of other people sometimes, the chemistry upstairs and the neural pathways that are navigating different storylines that are happening there.
• 40:16
  Speaker 2: Sometimes we literally can't do something or can't navigate it some way or we've become some sort of way or the picture because of what a trauma has done to our brains.
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: I know the worst of the worst for me on that is what happened to my mind, to my physiology, from the very last trauma that I went through.
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: In terms of one area of trauma I was trying and trying everything possible to get back to the brain that I was used to before that last trauma, but I couldn't.
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: The chemical imbalance it just wasn't making it possible so I needed somebody else's help.
• 41:09
  Speaker 2: So sometimes I think forgiveness.
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: The reason why I brought all that up is because we can tell, we can talk about the responsibility of our own healing around the clock, but sometimes to get to that place we need help, because we literally something is going on to where we need help getting there, I'm starting to believe and it's starting to be more clear that forgiveness isn't forgetting, it's learning the lessons, it's embracing the lessons.
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: Again, I love the path that I'm on, but I had to forgive the potholes that got me to this path.
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: I had to embrace those.
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: Forgive is a word that I think about daily that I don't know how to say.
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: This is my definition of and I'm good with that.
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: I'm happy with that because I'm enjoying the ride.
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: I want to learn something new about the word forgiveness every day.
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: But when I was able to say, with what I know about forgiveness and believe about forgiveness now, and that I give that to myself and that I'm allowed to do that once I started giving myself permission to feel and giving myself permission to heal.
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I say I forget, but then sometimes I don't know.
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I ever knew that I'm responsible for my healing, that I can take control of this and I can control the narrative now and I get to pick the direction now.
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: I might not have been put on this path, but damn it, I'm driving the car now and so it is something that I'm still learning and growing with, but I'm starting to appreciate it.
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: I think that's amazing that you're just allowing yourself, I think it's amazing that you're just allowing yourself to move through it and to find and you're being intentional about that part of your journey and your actions are matching those intentions.
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: And just by the way that you've approached it, if you want to learn something about forgiveness every day, you're approaching it in a way to where you already are trying to learn.
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: You're going into it inquisitively rather than I know or this or that, and of course, you do know you can say so much about yourself in general, I am and I know in really healthy ego ways, and then you've allowed yourself to move through forgiveness.
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: At this point, I don't know exactly how I would say this, but this is what I feel connected to on it right now, and it's interesting because I think there's this really cool thing that, in terms of like how you approach it and genuinely to me, what forgiveness is, again going back to the key that unlocks a cage or the shackles what we've bound ourselves to, you're on this journey with this topic of forgiveness as like an open-ended thing, and I think it's brilliant.
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: I think you're you're approaching that in a way to where it leads you somewhere new every day the last question I have for you, because I always like to end on a positive note, which, granted, I feel like this whole conversation has just been positive.
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: I get such a people ask me all the time they're like how can you talk about trauma and talk about these things all the time?
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: But it's not the trauma, it's the healing, and I logged off of these meetings with such a high when I want to do something like this is part of my healing journey too.
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: It's part of my learning too.
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: Do you have a certain particular part of your journey that you wear with a badge of honor?
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: That is your expertise, or is it all just an umbrella of trauma and you wear it all proudly?
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: I've never been asked anything remotely close to this, but I absolutely love this question, probably one of my favorites at this point.
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: So trauma because obviously, with the journey, so trauma because obviously that's a journey right and both you and I are in the I call it the rainbow soup alphabet.
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: We've both been through layers on this one just simply by being two queer people specifically.
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: Like, without going into a long thing, I use that word specifically because to me it's taking the power back from where it's been thrown around derogatorily.
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: Some people can't stand it, like a lot of people in the queer community can't stand that word.
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: I'm like, no, like this is a part of a badge of honor to me.
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: But I think that trauma itself is so unique.
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: It's not just like something.
• 46:12
  Speaker 2: Maybe something you've been through and I've been through has been similar.
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: There's similar threads in there, especially with some of the extreme sides to things, unfortunately.
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: But then the effects on it are so the effects on us are so unique so there's no way to umbrella all of it.
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: As far as trauma, it also brings me to what you just shared about somebody saying, like, how do so many people ask you, like, how are you able to just talk about trauma all the time, it's because you are not your trauma and that's the way that you move through life.
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: That's very clear to me.
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: You've not said that, but it's very obvious, and I am not my trauma either.
• 46:49
  Speaker 2: We are souls who are going through experiences and no singular thing is identifying us as one big umbrella.
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: My thing that I wear proudly is my journey as a trans dude, trans and non-binary, and even so, the whole side, that side to me.
• 47:11
  Speaker 2: I wear that with honor, and part of the reason is because I will never forget that youth who are struggling to survive are out there, whether or not they are a fellow trans person or somebody that's trans and 60 and hasn't come out yet in terms of that side of their journey, or they're a 10-year-old kid who's been quite confused and uncomfortable with their human meat suit all of life with zero trauma whatsoever.
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: I think there's the other side of the journey that is really important to me, that I always hold dear.
• 47:51
  Speaker 2: It's that I think at this point in life I've seen an extensive amount of myself be a presence in people's lives that helps them feel less shame about themselves and has been able to, like, validate themselves more and more, find their voice more and their authenticity.
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: So these sides to me are what I wear, with a badge of honor.
• 48:21
  Speaker 2: I think in terms of like trauma and any victim advocacy or what I've been through as a person, especially with the extensive amounts of trauma that I've been through the victim advocacy or what I've been through as a person, especially with the extensive amounts of trauma that I've been through the victim advocacy is a sense of duty and responsibility that I do have the choice, with my free will, to participate at times and say I have to put this on pause for a little bit but I'll come back to it and that's so that I can come back to it for the highest good of all in the best capacity possible for others.
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: So that side of things is more of like I don't really wear any hats or have any perspective about myself and my journey related to trauma.
• 49:09
  Speaker 2: That's like a badge of honor.
• 49:11
  Speaker 2: That veteran, the victim advocacy stuff, that's a duty, that's a purpose.
• 49:16
  Speaker 2: The, what I did in the military and some of the things that I accomplished yeah, badge of honor Absolutely.
• 49:22
  Speaker 2: Um, just even being able to contribute in those ways, um, that even in the state of this country and the horrifics that are going on.
• 49:33
  Speaker 2: I still wear that with pride and the trans stuff and everything else that I shared.
• 49:41
  Speaker 2: That's where I separate the two, but it's all part of the same journey, really.
• 49:45
  Speaker 2: What about for yourself?
• 49:46
  Speaker 2: I would love to know that about yourself.
• 49:48
  Speaker 2: The same journey, really, what?
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: about for yourself?
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: I would love to know that about yourself.
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: I found comfort in an unhealthy way with the word victim.
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: I felt safe with people feeling sorry for me.
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: I felt safe with people seeing me wink because I felt like I wasn't a challenge for them.
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: So therefore, hurting me again would be nothing.
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: I had a victim mentality for quite a while and I will not put myself down for that.
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: I will not hate myself for that, but I will wear the growth of that with a badge of honor.
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: The going from a victim to a survivor and shouting loudly and proudly that damn it.
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: I survived and I'm still surviving and thriving.
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: It took me a while I used to.
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: It almost was a trigger for me If someone would say no, david, you're not a victim, you're a survivor.
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: I wasn't ready to be called that yet.
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: I didn't feel as if I had survived yet.
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: I felt that so much of me was dead and I used to say that things were stolen from me.
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: My joy was stolen and my pride was stolen.
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: And then, through my healing process, through becoming a embracing the word survivor and surviving, it isn't a something was stolen from me, it's something was put on hold and I've got it back.
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: So I do wear that with a badge of honor.
• 51:24
  Speaker 2: I think that there is something that struck a chord with me that definitely resonate with.
• 51:28
  Speaker 2: It's the thriving piece that's a part of it for me.
• 51:32
  Speaker 2: I think that what you've shared, there's a lot that I can definitely resonate with.
• 51:38
  Speaker 2: I think that in that sense it's I'm still freaking standing, and not only standing like a badass, but somehow I'm a kind person, warm and comfortable and calm to be around.
• 51:55
  Speaker 2: So I wear that with pride as well, because I've always been like this.
• 52:01
  Speaker 2: But it's a much heightened version now, like tenfold, than it used to be when I hadn't really fully healed from some things.
• 52:12
  Speaker 2: I believe healing.
• 52:13
  Speaker 2: We're on that journey our entire lives.
• 52:14
  Speaker 2: But in terms of triggers, if we're not triggered by something anymore, it has transmuted that work that we've done, that journey that we've done on it.
• 52:26
  Speaker 2: So think in that sense, that's something that I deeply identify with as well.
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: It's just I'm so damn proud of myself too for the thriving and what it's taken to not be taken out completely so, listeners, a lot of you probably already know who Taylor is, but if you wondered in the beginning why I immediately said I'm obsessed, I'm sure now you know.
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: As we're closing out, will you tell everybody where we can find you?
• 52:58
  Speaker 2: So onbound soul fire healing is mainly me.
• 53:02
  Speaker 2: I just repost a bunch of stuff to IG.
• 53:04
  Speaker 2: So that's my main handle over and my spiritual practitioner business IG.
• 53:10
  Speaker 2: So that's my main handle over and my spiritual practitioner business.
• 53:12
  Speaker 2: That's my main handle on TikTok and Linktree.
• 53:17
  Speaker 1: And then there's a Linktree bio with different stuff in there, and that wraps up another powerful episode of Surviving Abuse.
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: I want to extend my deepest gratitude to our incredible guests for sharing their transformative journey with us today.
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: Join us next week as we dive into the healing process and share more incredible stories of triumph and resilience.
• 53:43
  Speaker 2: I'm back Now.
• 53:45
  Speaker 2: I'm back and I'll pray for you.
• 53:58
  Speaker 2: I'm done hurting.