Latest / Women at Work: Career, Leadership & Modern Work / How the Likeability Trap Silences Women in Leadership Roles
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this number that's been sitting with me since I read the 2024 McKinsey 'Women in the Workplace' report. Forty-six percent of women in leadership say their suggestions are regularly overlooked in meetings, only to have the same suggestion praised when a man repeats it. Luna: Forty-six percent. That's nearly half. And I bet most of us listening have either experienced that or seen it happen in a room. Lucas: Exactly. The data confirms what's been called the 'likeability trap' or the 'double bind' — first named by Heidi Roizen back in the nineties. Women leaders are expected to be warm and communal, but when they assert expertise, they're seen as aggressive or bossy. And if they lean into warmth, they risk being seen as less competent. Luna: So you're stuck. You can't win either way. And the result is that women actually speak less in high-stakes meetings, or they hedge their language to soften the message, which ironically makes their ideas sound less confident. Lucas: Right. And a 2020 experiment in Harvard Business Review found exactly that. They had participants evaluate identical advice given by a male versus a female expert. The female expert was rated as significantly less persuasive, even though the content was word for word the same. Luna: That's the trap. The message gets judged differently depending on who delivers it. So how do women navigate that in real time? Lucas: Let me give you a specific case I came across. A VP of product at a midsize tech company — she's been in her role for about two years. In quarterly planning meetings, she'd lay out a detailed roadmap with clear rationale, and the team would nod, then proceed to ignore it. Two weeks later, a male director on the same team would essentially restate her idea — and suddenly it's a genius strategy. Luna: I've seen that play out. It's demoralizing. And the typical advice is 'speak up more' or 'be more assertive', but that just triggers the backlash. So what did she do? Lucas: She didn't just speak louder. She shifted her approach. She started using what some communication researchers call 'third-party validation'. Before the meeting, she'd brief a peer — often another male leader — on her key points. Then in the meeting, he'd say something like, 'I was talking with Sarah about this, and she had a great framework for the roadmap.' Suddenly her idea had a male sponsor. Luna: That's strategic. But it's also a workaround. It puts the burden on individual women to navigate a biased system rather than changing the system itself. Lucas: No question. And the research backs that up. A 2023 study from the University of California found that when women's ideas were attributed to a male colleague, they received 20 percent higher ratings. So the tactic works, but it highlights a structural problem. The real change has to happen at the organizational level — training teams to recognize this bias. Luna: What does that training look like? I've seen a lot of 'unconscious bias' sessions that feel like check the box. Lucas: The best ones use specific, data-driven examples. For instance, one company started tracking 'idea attribution' in meetings — literally noting who originally proposed an idea and whether its ownership shifted during the discussion. Then they shared that data with teams. It forced people to see the pattern. Luna: So making the invisible visible. That's powerful. Because most people don't realize they're doing it. Lucas: Exactly. And there's another angle. A 2022 paper in the Academy of Management Journal found that female leaders who combined warmth with authority — like using inclusive language while stating clear outcomes — were rated higher on both likeability and competence. It's a subtle but teachable skill. Luna: So you're saying there is a way to thread the needle? But it requires a lot of self-awareness and practice. Lucas: It does. And it's not fair that women have to carry that extra cognitive load. But until the system shifts, individual tactics provide a lifeline. Let me give you another example. A senior director at a financial services firm I spoke with told me she starts every presentation with, 'I'm going to share three data points that challenge our current assumptions.' She says the word 'challenge' signals confidence, but the phrase 'I'm going to share' keeps it collaborative. Luna: That's interesting. It frames her as bringing a gift, not attacking. But I wonder — does this work across cultures? I'm thinking of women in more hierarchical workplaces where directness is seen as disrespectful. Luna: Or in industries like law or consulting, where assertiveness is the norm. Lucas: Great point. The likeability trap is not universal. A 2019 study comparing the US and Germany found that German women leaders actually faced less backlash for assertiveness because directness is culturally normalized there. In Japan, though, the expectation for female modesty is stronger, so the double bind may be even tighter. Luna: So context matters. Which means the solution can't be a one-size-fits-all script. Lucas: Right. But here's what's consistent across cultures: the likeability trap costs organizations real money. McKinsey estimates that companies in the top quartile for gender diversity on executive teams are 25 percent more likely to have above-average profitability. When you silence half your leaders, you're leaving ideas on the table. Luna: And yet many companies still treat this as a women's issue instead of a business issue. It's not about fixing women — it's about fixing the listening environment. Lucas: Exactly. And that's where we as listeners can have impact. If you're in a meeting and you see a woman's idea get ignored and then restated by a man, you can say, 'That sounds similar to what Alex was saying earlier. Can we go back to her point?' It costs you nothing, but it redirects attention. Luna: That's an active allyship move. And it works. I've seen it shift the dynamic in a room in seconds. Lucas: It does. So the likeability trap is real, but it's not insurmountable — if we're willing to be intentional about who gets heard and how. Luna: And speaking of being intentional, I want to mention something that keeps this show going. We're able to have these conversations without ads or sponsors because of listeners like you who support us. Lucas: Yeah, it's a small group, but it makes a huge difference. If you've found value in episodes like this one — maybe you've even used a tactic we discussed — consider throwing a few dollars our way. Luna: It's easy. Just go to buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That's all lowercase, fexingo. And it genuinely helps us keep the podcast ad-free and focused on the topics that matter. Lucas: Appreciate that. So back to the likeability trap — one last thought. The ultimate goal isn't to teach women to tiptoe around bias. It's to build workplaces where the best ideas win, regardless of who says them. And that starts with each of us noticing when the trap snaps shut. Luna: Well said. And maybe the next time you're in a meeting and you hear a woman's suggestion get glossed over, you'll pause and ask: 'Did we just miss something?' Lucas: That's the kind of small shift that can change a culture. Thanks for listening.