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Christmas Family PTSD and How to Escape It | Christmas Special · The Mark Driscoll Show

• 0:01
  Well, howdy and welcome to the Mark Driscoll Show.
• 0:03
  This is a Christmas special. My name is Landon Chase and I'm
• 0:07
  joined with Pastor Mark Driscoll and his wife, my mother-in-law,
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  Grace. It's going to be a fun one.
• 0:12
  We did this on Thanksgiving and it went really, really well.
• 0:15
  I guess everyone else takes the week off and we're not going to.
• 0:18
  So grab your pop popcorn, get ready to set some godly
• 0:21
  boundaries. You're on the Mark Driscoll
• 0:23
  Show. All right, we thought it'd be
• 0:45
  fun today. The team thought it'd be fun to
• 0:46
  show you guys some dysfunctional clips out of old Christmas
• 0:51
  movies because our entertainment movies kind of shape culture and
• 0:55
  shape kind of family dynamics. And so one of those is Home
• 0:59
  Alone, which I recently watched for the first time, actually
• 1:01
  last week. It's just, yeah, I don't know.
• 1:05
  I really want to see the one that has Trump in it, which I
• 1:07
  think is the second one. So all right, let's roll that
• 1:10
  clip. There are 15 people in this
• 1:12
  house. You're the only one that has to
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  make trouble. I'm the only one doing dump
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  dump. You're the only one acting up.
• 1:17
  Now get upstairs. I am upstairs dummy the third
• 1:23
  floor. Go.
• 1:25
  I'm sorry. It's too late.
• 1:28
  Get upstairs. Everyone in this family hates
• 1:30
  me. Then maybe you should ask Santa
• 1:32
  for a new family. I don't want a new family.
• 1:34
  I don't want any family. Families suck.
• 1:37
  Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again
• 1:39
  for the rest of the night. I don't want to see you again
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  for the rest of my whole life, and I don't want to see anybody
• 1:44
  else either. I hope you don't.
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  Mean that. I hope I never see any jerks
• 1:48
  again. Out of all the ranges, you know
• 1:51
  you're the master man. Run, run, Rudolph.
• 1:57
  Run off. Making far behind.
• 2:14
  Run, run, Rudolph. He and Michael Merry go round.
• 2:19
  We missed the flight. No, you just made it.
• 2:21
  They will see something. Coach.
• 2:24
  Take whatever spring. We made it believe it.
• 2:29
  Hope we didn't forget anything. So home alone, you get it in the
• 2:49
  name, they left their son home alone.
• 2:51
  And Ashley and I watched this and I was like, man, that
• 2:54
  family. And my biggest question was how
• 2:55
  much money did the parents make to be taking their entire family
• 2:58
  to Paris and they're playing Christmas, Christmas.
• 3:02
  Yeah, that's the inflated fare. That's not cheap at all.
• 3:05
  No. And their house is gigantic and
• 3:07
  they have all these great cars. And I was like, what are these
• 3:09
  people doing for a living in the 90s in Chicago?
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  And Ashley kept thinking that Kevin looked a lot like Indy.
• 3:16
  So, yeah, he's a Yeah. Anyways, so all right, thoughts.
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  Have you you guys have traveled a lot as a big family.
• 3:23
  Christmas is hectic. Lots of kids, lots of dynamics.
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  That that was a pretty dysfunctional scene between the
• 3:30
  mom and the son. Not great.
• 3:32
  Have we ever? Lost a kid?
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  I mean a couple of hidden in clothing racks.
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  Yes, Oh yes, and. Then Ashley, our oldest, did go
• 3:45
  at the church. She we couldn't find her.
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  She was up in the balcony. I freaked out.
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  Gideon is on the other side here.
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  We did get in. I don't know if you know this.
• 3:55
  We did lose you once. I apologize.
• 3:58
  We went in to eat, I think it was at a Chinese restaurant and,
• 4:02
  and we, we all got done eating and it and if you have more than
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  two kids, at some point you're going to lose 1.
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  And the, the goal is to find them.
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  And so, well, we, we were eating and then, yeah, but hopefully
• 4:16
  through the mills, like, oh, my gosh, where's Gideon?
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  We lost Gideon. So we're all running around the
• 4:20
  restaurant into the restrooms. We're looking for Gideon.
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  Go out to the car. He was asleep in the car.
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  Everybody got out of the car, but he was asleep in the car.
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  So we left him in the car. Thankfully, we weren't living in
• 4:29
  Arizona. Yeah, so we left Gideon in the
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  car at the at the Chinese restaurant.
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  It wasn't that long, but yes, we did.
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  And then Alexi in the elevator in.
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  Oh my gosh, that was the worst. I freaked out.
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  We were in Israel and we were, we were on like a high floor in
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  a hotel and we were all going to get on the elevator and did
• 4:57
  somebody forget their shoes? Something like that.
• 5:00
  Somebody forgot something, so we had to.
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  Win 1 of the boys was like going to go tour Israel with no shoes,
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  you know, so they had to get off the elevator, but they left
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  their little sister on the elevator.
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  So I'm down the hallway, we're in Israel, and boom, the doors
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  shut and they're my little how old was she?
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  5-4 or five? Little blonde girl, doors shut
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  gone, Elevator gone, Daughter gone in Israel.
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  And blonde hair is a. Thing blonde hair, blue eyes.
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  I so I'm in flip flops. I'm like running like 20 floors
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  of stairs, my God. I'm taking the elevator to every
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  single floor to see if she got out because there was 2
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  elevators. Yeah, oh God, we are freaking
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  out. Horrifying, horrifying, freaking
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  out and somehow the elevator went down, came back up and just
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  opened on our floor and she got out and we didn't know it
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  because she's checking every floor in the hotel and I am
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  literally running the stairs trying to guard the Oh my God
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  exit. Make sure nobody exits the
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  building. My parents are staying on the
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  floor to see if she comes back. I mean, it was, yeah.
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  Yeah, we had a, we we got our few of these.
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  Oh, wow. We haven't left them when we
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  went to another country, but we have lost them in another
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  country, which is much better. That's funny.
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  So they they seem to have some hard family dynamics with some
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  older kids, younger kids in the holidays.
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  Maybe one of them, Kevin, might be a little more annoying and
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  get on the nerves of his older siblings.
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  How did you guys navigate the age range with your kids and
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  also like trying to get some special time with each of them
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  in the holidays? We had some different
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  traditions. I took the girls to annual
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  Christmas tea, went to high tea together at different places
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  where we lived and they enjoyed that.
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  You just did that. Yes, I just did.
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  At my house. I had all the girls over and
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  that was really enjoyable. You did daddy dates for
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  Christmas. I took the boys and did
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  something all together with them.
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  It it is you have to be super intentional with all the
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  different age groups because you if you just treat them as a
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  group, they don't feel as uniquely cared about.
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  And so we tried really hard. It's it's hard with five every
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  two years they were born. And so it is a challenge, but it
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  is something that is worth working at and getting that
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  individual time with them. Well, the ages are different and
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  the genders different, So what they want to do is very very
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  different. So like our oldest daughter and
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  then our second daughter, they had pretty good age gap.
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  So the daddy day to be like, all right, whole day with dad, tell
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  me what you want to do. And usually it was, you know, I
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  want to go see The Nutcracker. My youngest daughter always
• 7:47
  wanted to go ice skating and I was like, I'm going to die.
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  The only way I know how to stop is to hit the wall.
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  Like I am not built for ice skating.
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  We would go ice skating, we'd go out to dinner.
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  They had restaurants they wanted to go to go buy.
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  Sometimes it was jewelry, art galleries, whatever they wanted
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  to do. And then with the boys, art.
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  So Calvin, our our middle son, his birthday was right around
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  Christmas, so he always wanted to go up to the mountains and go
• 8:17
  inner tubing in the snow with his friends.
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  So it was always snow time with the guys and with the kids.
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  Yeah. And when the kids were little,
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  it was just tradition. So kids usually don't remember
• 8:29
  their gifts, and kids usually don't remember something you do
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  once, but they'll remember things that you do year after
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  year as tradition. So like I would record, this is
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  back in the day, I'd record all the kind of classic Christmas
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  shows. Saturday night was always family
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  movie night for us. We get our pajamas on and the
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  rule was every week somebody else would get to pick the
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  family movie because if you try to get 5 kids to agree you will
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  never agree on anything. So.
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  The boys have seen Barbie Nutcracker.
• 9:00
  They've seen Barbie Nutcracker. Yeah.
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  And it's learning to serve and it's preparation for marriage.
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  Yes, is what it. Is I had two older sisters.
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  Yeah, it's preparation for marriage.
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  And then we would get in their pyjamas and do hot chocolate and
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  put in the Bing Crosby Christmas and drive around to look at
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  Christmas slice with, with all these traditions that we would
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  do every year with the kids and make it fun and, and yeah.
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  And I, I love the Christmas season and I know you love
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  Christmas. I love Christmas because it's
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  just, it's fun things to go out and do with your kids as a
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  family and make the memories. And we tried not to travel a lot
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  during the Christmas season. I think some families try to
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  travel and I would just say this like if grandma and grandpa can
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  travel to see you and you don't have to travel to see them,
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  that's way better. If a young family like watching
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  them, like if you got to get everybody on a plane and go
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  somewhere that's rough, That's rough, It's expensive, it's
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  time, it's hard, little kids, stressful, new environment,
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  sleep quarters, schedule is off. It's not a break for mom and
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  dad. And so, yeah, if if somebody's
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  got to travel, I think ultimately Grandma and grandpa
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  coming and then ultimately Grandma and Grandpa probably not
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  staying at your home. Oh yeah, yeah, I know it's the
• 10:22
  best money you'll ever spend. Getting a VRBO or getting a
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  hotel and saying hey and getting a car and saying we're going to
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  be in town. We're going to put a few extra
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  days on our trip. We're going to be flexible.
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  We're going to be available. You and your family have your
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  holiday in your traditions. Let us know when you want us and
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  we'll be available and and we'll you know, we'll enter fact when
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  it works for you. That's a way better plan, yeah.
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  Yeah, totally, totally agree. Well, all of us watching can't
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  necessarily relate to having a gigantic family and being left
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  home for Christmas. A lot of people can relate with
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  an annoying family and a complicated dynamic on
• 11:00
  Christmas. National Lampoon's Christmas
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  gives us a hilarious example of Dad kind of exploding at the
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  very end of Christmas and the guys have assured me they will
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  bleep the F bombs that are in this in.
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  Post appreciate that daddy don't.
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  Do. This Since this is Aunt
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  Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the
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  saying of grace. What dear Grace Grace.
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  She passed away 30 years ago. They want you to.
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  Say Grace. I pledge allegiance to the flag
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  of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it
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  stands, one nation. Irreversible.
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  With liberty. And justice for all.
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  Amen, Amen, Amen. Look at that.
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  Clark, what's wrong, honey? It's bigger than you expected,
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  smaller. It's up to one year membership
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  in the Jelly of the Month club. Clark.
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  That's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.
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  This isn't the biggest bag over the head punch in the face I
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  ever got got damn it. Son.
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  If any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for
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  me. I have one.
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  I like Frank Shirley, my boss right here tonight.
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  I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there
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  on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him
• 13:10
  brought right here with a big ribbon on his head and I want to
• 13:15
  look him straight in the eye. I don't want to tell him what a
• 13:17
  cheap, lying, no good rotten for flushing, lowlife, snake
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  licking, dirt eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood
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  sucking, dog kissing, brainless, hopeless, heartless, fat, bug
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  eyed, stiff legged, spotty lip worm headed sack of monkey he
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  is. Hallelujah.
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  Where's the Tylenol? So as Dad, can you ever feel a
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  lot of pressure around Christmas and holiday season and.
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  Every year. Every year.
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  That is a hypothetical possibility.
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  At the end of the year, you got all this work you got to do so
• 14:00
  you could take time off. You got all this financial
• 14:02
  pressure because there's gifts. Then you've got extended family
• 14:07
  and navigating all the relationships.
• 14:09
  And usually you're trying to do your best to do right by your
• 14:13
  family. So yeah, there's a lot of
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  pressure. There's a lot of pressure on
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  dad. There's a lot of pressure on
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  Mom. And then if your extended
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  family's giving you grief and shows up to your house, yeah,
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  you're kind of just done. And plus, it's the end of the
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  year. You're a little burned out.
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  Is there anything you guys have done in your marriage to support
• 14:30
  each other in the holidays specifically?
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  We're still working on some stuff, Landon.
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  I'm not working on some. Stuff.
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  Is there any hypothetical advice for a friend you would give?
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  Talk, Great talk. What miss Ship subject here?
• 14:49
  Ship some Landon. So Grace, talk about hearing
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  aids. I have one of the hearing aids
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  on the table for the next generation.
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  How important? We saw that she couldn't
• 15:01
  understand the conversation. How important is it for the next
• 15:04
  generation to have a hearing aid if they can't understand?
• 15:06
  Very important, but she's still heard.
• 15:10
  And then the Pledge of Allegiance, so I'm not sure what
• 15:14
  happened there. Yeah, we, I went through that
• 15:16
  recently with some of my relatives, yes and took them to
• 15:23
  get hearing test and just so happened there was a lot of
• 15:27
  hearing loss. So it is important for the older
• 15:29
  people in the family if they are hard of hearing to consider that
• 15:33
  that is frustrating for the rest of the family members and go get
• 15:37
  hearing aids. It's great.
• 15:38
  Thank you. That's our public service
• 15:39
  announcement. Yep.
• 15:40
  Now all we got to do guys for this here is we got to find a
• 15:43
  show sponsor. That's a hearing aid company.
• 15:46
  That's where I'm going with this.
• 15:48
  But we're so here's part of the problem.
• 15:51
  We're totally different. You and grace.
• 15:56
  Yeah, but everything, that's with everything, not just the
• 15:58
  holidays. I know, but it particularly hits
• 16:01
  at the holiday season. Well, we need to be helpful to
• 16:04
  people, so. OK, so how would you?
• 16:06
  The hypothetical wisdom that you would share.
• 16:09
  I mean, I think we definitely have different ways of doing
• 16:13
  things and Mark loves creating memories and I like
• 16:16
  participating in that. I'm not always as creative as I
• 16:21
  I wish I could. Be and I'm not very helpful.
• 16:23
  Well, true, but I think if we if we stay in our lanes and work
• 16:28
  together at all of it, like you come up with the great ideas and
• 16:33
  you schedule stuff and you know we need to.
• 16:37
  I'm the fun, I am fun player. You love to do have fun on the
• 16:41
  calendar and so like you're great at it.
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  So as long as you're good doing that, I'm fine with buying all
• 16:46
  the Christmas presents, wrapping everything, setting up the
• 16:48
  house. It has a lot of work.
• 16:50
  You do. All the work, yes, I do all the
• 16:53
  but honestly, I I enjoy doing that stuff because I it's part
• 16:56
  of my gift of serving. And my gift is letting you serve
• 17:01
  me. This is how really I think.
• 17:03
  I think it's fine as long as I'm not internally just holding in
• 17:07
  frustration or if I'm asking for help.
• 17:10
  I think you're willing. I just sometimes like to do
• 17:14
  everything myself and then I get frustrated with myself because I
• 17:16
  have too much to do. And I think that's really common
• 17:18
  for women. So if I was to ask, maybe in our
• 17:20
  earlier years, you might not have been so willing.
• 17:24
  Or if you had done it and didn't do it my way, then I would have
• 17:27
  been frustrated, which is my issue, not yours.
• 17:31
  And so I think really during this time, we have to remember
• 17:35
  what's the purpose of what we're trying to do here?
• 17:38
  The purpose is to create a joyful environment for our
• 17:41
  family. If we're only stressed out and,
• 17:45
  you know, accusing each other of things or mouthing off like he
• 17:49
  did that that creates a whole stressful environment for
• 17:54
  everyone. And some people will leave, some
• 17:57
  people, some people retreat, some people respond, some people
• 18:00
  just don't know what to do, so they freeze.
• 18:03
  And I think if we can not do that, it really is important.
• 18:08
  I've learned. And this is just a really basic
• 18:11
  thing, but it really is important during the stressful
• 18:14
  times, especially to pray for our attitude each day.
• 18:17
  And Lord, help me have self-control today.
• 18:20
  Help me have patience today. I want to create joy for my kids
• 18:23
  and not be stressed if they're wrecking the Christmas tree or
• 18:26
  opening the presents that I just wrapped or whatever it is.
• 18:29
  I mean, go with it. Because honestly, I don't want
• 18:33
  my kids to have bad Christmas memories when they were little.
• 18:36
  I didn't want to do that. And I know that I did create
• 18:38
  some stress around it and we were stressed out at times too.
• 18:41
  So anything you can do to just stop and be like, we don't want
• 18:45
  to do this, This is going to create a bad memory for our
• 18:47
  family. How do we turn this around and
• 18:50
  create a fun memory or just laugh it off?
• 18:54
  Just, you know, not be so serious about it.
• 18:57
  There were some fun memories, like like when the kids were
• 19:01
  little, each of them would get a little Christmas tree in their
• 19:04
  bedroom on their night stand next to their bed, and they
• 19:06
  could decorate that however they wanted.
• 19:10
  In addition, every year you were really good about picking a few
• 19:13
  single moms that we knew personally and we'd go buy
• 19:17
  Christmas presents for them and their kids and then deliver
• 19:20
  them. Teaching our kids generosity and
• 19:22
  giving. Yeah, not just in general to
• 19:24
  some, you know, organization, which is fine, but just somebody
• 19:27
  that we actually, yeah, we, we, we sponsor children did all
• 19:31
  that. But like for people that we
• 19:32
  actually knew. I really liked getting fun on
• 19:36
  the calendar and I liked meeting with the kids and asking what
• 19:40
  would be something fun for you during the Christmas season.
• 19:44
  And then each of the kids would come up with different things.
• 19:47
  And then I like getting them on the calendar.
• 19:49
  I like getting them sequenced. And I like the kids to have
• 19:52
  things to be looking forward to kind of building that
• 19:55
  anticipation and be like, OK, four more days and then we're
• 19:58
  going to go do XYZ, whatever it was for them.
• 20:01
  I, I, I really like being kind of the, I don't know, the
• 20:04
  program director for the Driscoll Nation.
• 20:07
  And I had to learn to plan better because we were on a
• 20:09
  tight budget. And so I couldn't just in
• 20:11
  December buy all the Christmas presents because we didn't have
• 20:13
  money to do that. So I needed to learn to kind of
• 20:16
  plan it out and buy some in September, October, November,
• 20:19
  December, so that we weren't just stressed financially.
• 20:23
  Because that's how I can be a helper to you is not 'cause more
• 20:27
  financial stress when you're working hard.
• 20:29
  And I know that you want to provide and you want to have fun
• 20:31
  things for the kids to receive. But it's not all about the gifts
• 20:34
  either. Like you said, it's about the
• 20:36
  activities in the memories that we do together.
• 20:38
  And so even if you have a couple gifts and you do a lot of
• 20:41
  memories that are fun, they can be free, but just time together.
• 20:44
  I love that. And I think that what you teach,
• 20:47
  what you train kids in is what their expectations will be.
• 20:51
  And so, you know, if you're always taking a trip to Paris or
• 20:54
  to Disneyland or whatever every Christmas, that's going to be
• 20:57
  the expectation of your kids. But if you just enjoy the simple
• 21:00
  things of Christmas and, you know, go to a play that has, you
• 21:05
  know, a lot of churches have like live nativities and
• 21:08
  different things, those are fun and they're not expensive.
• 21:11
  There's lots of ways to, you know, just Google in your local
• 21:16
  area what there is to do and just go do it.
• 21:18
  And how you enjoy it is what they're going to remember.
• 21:22
  Yeah, and you did like Advent calendar.
• 21:23
  Every year, each day a kid would get a different day and part of
• 21:27
  the story and a piece of candy and just I'm trying to think
• 21:30
  through fun ways to do it all. But you know, dad blown up here.
• 21:33
  I mean, the truth is end of year for most guys, especially if
• 21:36
  you're in management or leadership, you got a ton of
• 21:39
  work. You've got your end receipts,
• 21:42
  you're trying to clear your calendar so you can get some
• 21:45
  time off with your family. You're trying to meet all your
• 21:48
  numbers. And usually your end is a really
• 21:52
  intense work window. It's a very intense work window.
• 21:58
  And he was trying to put a pool in and he preemptively bought
• 22:00
  the pool. So he got.
• 22:03
  I can't believe you guys haven't seen it.
• 22:04
  You need to go home and watch. Yeah, it's.
• 22:05
  I mean, in this scenario, if I was in the scenario, the wife
• 22:08
  and I saw that there was a face that didn't look like good news
• 22:13
  in what he was reading, I would have said, you know, we'll be
• 22:17
  right back. We're just going to go chat.
• 22:19
  And I would have saved you from that stereo because that is a
• 22:23
  lot of stress that you're reading, whatever that is in
• 22:26
  front of everybody. And that's embarrassing.
• 22:30
  It feels shameful. It feel for a man that's like
• 22:33
  it's the disrespect of what he was reading and then he's
• 22:35
  feeling it from everybody. So anything that we can do to
• 22:39
  deescalate and kind of help not have that be a public experience
• 22:43
  as a wife is is really being a helper for your husband.
• 22:47
  Kind of the whole time, all the way throughout the movie, it was
• 22:49
  like he had expectations for the day and they were unmet.
• 22:53
  His lights didn't work, the Turkey didn't work, the prayer
• 22:56
  didn't work, the all these things.
• 22:58
  Didn't work. The bonus didn't work.
• 23:00
  He was just unmet expectations all day and it can feel like
• 23:02
  parents have such high expectations they miss the
• 23:05
  joyful environment for. Sure.
• 23:08
  I think that's that's really what you guys are getting at.
• 23:10
  It's great the joyful environment at home.
• 23:13
  That's where your kids will hold on to the motion of it.
• 23:17
  So in closing, we wanted to do some family systems Q&A.
• 23:20
  You have a new book you guys wrote.
• 23:23
  A book and a workbook you. Want to tell them a little bit
• 23:26
  about it? Yeah, so the book is introducing
• 23:31
  the categories of healthy and unhealthy family systems and
• 23:35
  then looking at 4 generations, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph,
• 23:41
  Genesis 12 through 54 generations of a family.
• 23:44
  And then the workbook is you and or your spouse doing the
• 23:48
  homework, discussing it, applying it to your family.
• 23:53
  And how do we deal with our extended family generations of
• 23:57
  our family. And the goal is just to have a
• 24:00
  healthy family system through multiple generations.
• 24:03
  Most families, their conflict, their issues, their anxiety,
• 24:07
  their tension. It's not just interpersonal,
• 24:10
  it's the system. And until you fix the system,
• 24:14
  you can't heal the relationships.
• 24:16
  Yep. Yep, 100%.
• 24:18
  Well if you guys want that book and the workbook, if you just
• 24:22
  text family to 99383, we will send you a link to get the real
• 24:25
  faith app. It's all on there.
• 24:27
  Check it out it's a really great resource.
• 24:29
  And if you want a print copy, go over to realfaith.com/store and
• 24:34
  it'll be right there and you guys can get one and you can
• 24:37
  send it to your mother or father-in-law if it's a bit of a
• 24:40
  struggle, and just do a little Bible study together.
• 24:41
  There you go. Thankfully I don't have to do
• 24:44
  that Bible study because you wrote the book on.
• 24:46
  I know the nice thing you can. Just you can just.
• 24:50
  Go past your mark I I was reading this but we had a couple
• 24:56
  Q&A's that got sent in and wanted to get your guys thoughts
• 24:59
  on it. These are a little bit longer so
• 25:01
  there's some context. All right, so my husband's
• 25:04
  writing this in after nearly 15 years together, my wife and I
• 25:08
  have spent almost every Christmas at her family's house,
• 25:11
  traveling there from Christmas Eve to New Year's.
• 25:14
  Today. We've only missed twice due to
• 25:16
  pregnancy and flight cancellations.
• 25:18
  We live near my family and get to see them regularly, and we
• 25:21
  usually do small early Christmas with them before leaving, but
• 25:25
  we're never there on Christmas Day.
• 25:27
  Her Christmas is a big yearly reunion with multiple parties,
• 25:31
  and it's the main time she sees the extended relatives.
• 25:34
  My family's Christmas is smaller and quieter.
• 25:36
  I've long felt frustrated that Christmas Day is always with her
• 25:40
  family. This year we're going as usual,
• 25:43
  but I told her next year I'd like to spend Christmas Day with
• 25:45
  my parents and my siblings, then fly to her family the next day.
• 25:48
  I wouldn't take the kids because they're miserable and the kids
• 25:51
  prefer her families Christmas anyways.
• 25:54
  She strongly reacted saying I'm choosing my parents over her and
• 25:58
  the kids, accused me of preparing for divorce and thinks
• 26:01
  I'm trying to hurt her family. I just want one Christmas Day
• 26:04
  with my family especially since my youngest sibling is
• 26:07
  recovering from addiction and reconnecting and my parents are
• 26:09
  hurt that we're never there on the day.
• 26:12
  A lot in there. This sounds like a good.
• 26:15
  Time the system is broke. The system is broken.
• 26:20
  So a lot of expectations in. That when he says my so the the
• 26:23
  flag for me is when he says my family.
• 26:26
  So we we talk about a cornerstone concept is leave and
• 26:30
  cleave. Genesis 22425.
• 26:33
  That's kind of the foundation of the fix your family system is
• 26:36
  leave your mother and father cleave to your spouse.
• 26:39
  The 2 become one. And so, you know, this is sort
• 26:43
  of the cornerstone concept is like when you and Ashley got
• 26:46
  married, always say this all the time.
• 26:48
  You didn't join our family. She didn't join your family.
• 26:51
  Both of you left your mother and father to go start a new family.
• 26:55
  And so, you know, Ashley gets a new last name, your last name.
• 27:00
  You're a new family. You're the head of that
• 27:03
  household and the two of you are one.
• 27:06
  And so now you and Ashley are your family.
• 27:10
  We are extended family. And so if she was saying that we
• 27:15
  were her family, I'd be like, sweetie pie, I love you.
• 27:19
  Like this is not biblical. This is not helpful.
• 27:22
  You need to you need to reorient your mind.
• 27:25
  We were your family till you got married and then we became your
• 27:29
  extended family, Landon and now your son, you know, Mr. Cowboy,
• 27:34
  that's your family. And so if 15 years into it, he's
• 27:38
  still thinking that his parents and siblings are his family,
• 27:42
  he's not shifted his priorities and he's 15 years too late.
• 27:48
  I mean, this should have happened, you know, at the altar
• 27:51
  15 years prior. Sounds like they both have that
• 27:54
  terminology. But this is very, very, this is
• 27:57
  a, this is a common mistake and it's, it is very common.
• 28:01
  And then the family, the extended family will reinforce
• 28:04
  it. And so you know, and when the 2
• 28:08
  become one, you, you have to do the holidays together, you know,
• 28:13
  and so. She makes the line that he's
• 28:15
  preparing for a divorce. Well, they kind of need to nuke
• 28:18
  this system and start. Over yeah, there's some trust
• 28:20
  issues there, if that's what she's jumping to, that's.
• 28:22
  Yeah, that's a zero to it's like, hey, I don't, you know,
• 28:26
  I'll, I'll fly out a day later and see your parents house.
• 28:29
  So we're getting a divorce like, well, that's that's zero to 6.
• 28:33
  It's an emotional response. Yeah, yeah, that's, that's
• 28:35
  another. There's a fear under there
• 28:36
  somewhere, but. It's also not AI don't think
• 28:40
  it's if they've always done Christmas with her site, her
• 28:44
  extended family and his brothers coming out of addiction.
• 28:48
  I don't think it's a bad request for him to make.
• 28:51
  I actually think it's a fair request, but not for the reasons
• 28:55
  that he's giving. I think just for the sake of,
• 28:58
  you know, are you willing to do Christmas with my extended
• 29:02
  family this year and then we can fly out the next day?
• 29:05
  I think it's an honest question. I think she should at least
• 29:09
  consider it. If they both can't become
• 29:11
  unified in that, then that's a a big issue.
• 29:15
  But I don't think it's a bad request if it's a special year
• 29:18
  for him, with his brother I mean.
• 29:22
  Well, that but see, part of what I'm hearing too, is if they live
• 29:26
  near his family and they see his extended family and they see
• 29:29
  them a lot, right? That is a little bit different
• 29:34
  because they get a lot of like, you know, we're blessed that all
• 29:37
  of our, all of our kids and their spouses and grandkids all
• 29:41
  live nearby. Like we, we see, we see our,
• 29:44
  like we see everybody all the time.
• 29:46
  It's, it's not like there's a couple of windows a year where
• 29:49
  we get together and we get to see each other.
• 29:52
  But I would say too, you know, if there's grandparents, let's
• 29:57
  say that live out of town, are there other times that the
• 30:00
  grandparents can come see you and your family?
• 30:04
  You know what I'm saying? Like, like, if it's like, well,
• 30:07
  I want to see, you know, if let's say her family has this
• 30:11
  big family and everybody gets together, that's fine.
• 30:14
  But like, if she really wants time with her folks, like why
• 30:16
  can't they get on a plane and just say, hey, you know, we're
• 30:19
  going to come every summer and we're going to rent a place for
• 30:21
  a couple weeks and we're going to be around and we'd love to
• 30:24
  see you and we'll get time with the kids.
• 30:26
  And what I mean when you, when you're the older generation
• 30:30
  needs to be more flexible and more generous and have a
• 30:33
  servant's mindset, how do we come and serve and how do we
• 30:37
  make it easier to get time with you?
• 30:41
  And so, you know, I would always encourage the older generation,
• 30:44
  it's, it's a lot easier for the younger generation of
• 30:47
  relationship if you give, if you serve and if you're available
• 30:52
  and flexible, you're just making it a lot easier.
• 30:55
  But on this one too, when it comes to just the holidays, be
• 31:01
  flexible and try some things like.
• 31:04
  Don't get hung up on the day. Yeah, it.
• 31:06
  Doesn't matter. Maybe explain what we did this
• 31:08
  year for Thanksgiving. Yeah.
• 31:09
  I mean, this year for Thanksgiving, the different
• 31:13
  adult kids and families wanted to be in different places during
• 31:16
  the week. They get the week off.
• 31:18
  And so we did our Thanksgiving on Monday and then they all did
• 31:22
  what they wanted to do for the rest of the week and we got some
• 31:25
  time away as well. And so it was fine.
• 31:27
  It didn't feel weird on Thursday that we weren't doing
• 31:30
  Thanksgiving yet. So the point is, once again, are
• 31:33
  you creating a joyful environment during the holiday
• 31:35
  for your family? And if you aren't, that's what
• 31:38
  needs to change. So it doesn't matter what day
• 31:40
  you celebrate. The point is getting time
• 31:42
  together, whether it's Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, the day
• 31:46
  after Christmas, it really shouldn't matter if we're
• 31:49
  honoring. The reason that we're getting
• 31:52
  together is to get together and and enjoy one another.
• 31:56
  It shouldn't matter which exact day that that is.
• 31:59
  Yeah, I don't, I mean, I truly don't care about the day.
• 32:01
  It's just it's being together in a joyful environment, making
• 32:05
  memories, especially when you know, little people get added to
• 32:09
  the extended family. It's just time with them is
• 32:11
  really the joy bonds. But then too like for us
• 32:15
  practically, you know, I'm in ministry.
• 32:18
  So I, I've worked 3 decades every Christmas Eve, you know, I
• 32:23
  mean, so it's like I, I work on Christmas Eve and now that and
• 32:27
  now that we're in ministry, you know, most of us.
• 32:29
  Yeah, we make the sacrifices for that.
• 32:31
  On Christmas Eve, so it's like, you know, it's for us.
• 32:33
  It's just, it is what it is, you know, Mother's Day, Father's
• 32:36
  Day, Easter, Christmas, Those are work days and have been my
• 32:40
  entire adult life. We don't always celebrate
• 32:42
  birthdays on the day either. It's it's really a mindset.
• 32:46
  Time together is what matters. Period.
• 32:48
  Yeah, and memories so but this one.
• 32:50
  But if you're at a point where as a husband and wife, you're
• 32:54
  starting to we're a part for Christmas or other holidays,
• 32:59
  there's a that is the issue that is the.
• 33:02
  Problem. Because the priority needs to be
• 33:04
  the marriage and you're 1 and you need to be together.
• 33:08
  And if for some reason you're not there's there's a brokenness
• 33:12
  in the system. Yep.
• 33:14
  I would say, honestly, cancel both extended family gatherings
• 33:18
  and you need to figure out how to do Christmas joyfully with
• 33:21
  your wife and your kids. Yeah, that's.
• 33:24
  A. Great and get a reset.
• 33:26
  And if one of our sons or our daughter who's married to you
• 33:29
  came to us and said we're not going to be together this
• 33:32
  Christmas, Like if Ashley came to us and said, hey, Dad, you
• 33:35
  know, Lynn and I aren't going to be together this Christmas.
• 33:38
  I'm just going to hang out with you and mom.
• 33:39
  I'd be like, honey, no. No, we wouldn't allow it.
• 33:42
  Honey, that's a that's a terrible idea.
• 33:45
  That's your husband, that's your family like.
• 33:48
  The thought is division. Yeah.
• 33:50
  So you're literally wanting I. Would be pushing back going
• 33:53
  honey. No, no, no, no, no, no.
• 33:55
  We love you. We'd love to see.
• 33:56
  Yeah. But whatever you and your
• 33:57
  husband are doing, you're doing it together.
• 33:59
  Yep. 100% Well, thank you guys. I think there's a lot of wisdom
• 34:03
  in there. And if you guys need more
• 34:05
  wisdom, if any of these stories feel relatable or you're
• 34:07
  struggling with your family system, text family to 99383.
• 34:11
  We will send you a link to get the book and the the free copy
• 34:14
  of it so you can just digitally read it.
• 34:16
  But if you want to print 1 and is on the store.
• 34:18
  Thank you guys for joining us for this Christmas special and
• 34:22
  we'll see you next week.