Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Time, Margin, and Real Mom Life | Ep. 27

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Time, Margin, and Real Mom Life | Ep. 27 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:00
  Cheryl: listeners welcome back to the parenting podcast.
• 1:03
  Cheryl: We're so glad you're here today.
• 1:05
  Cheryl: And we are rejoicing because we are in our recording studio and you've been so patient with us with our technical issues that we've had repeatedly.
• 1:19
  Cheryl: And we are thrilled to tell you we have all brand new equipment and everything works.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: Doesn't it.
• 1:25
  Cheryl: We hope.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: And we're really thankful just to let you know, we, meet here at vault 4 0 5 in Edmond, Oklahoma, and they are so gracious and good to us and a delight to be able to use their facilities.
• 1:42
  Cheryl: And we'd certainly appreciate what they've done.
• 1:44
  Cheryl: So how are y'all today?
• 1:46
  Ellen: Well, I was late, but a big American, so it was really late today.
• 1:54
  Ellen: I had to help my husband on the way out.
• 1:56
  Ellen: He needed something.
• 1:57
  Ellen: And I was thinking about tardiness when I was a young mom.
• 2:02
  Ellen: And I remember I had a friend that said, 15 minutes for every kid.
• 2:06
  Ellen: You have minutes grace.
• 2:10
  Ellen: So I wish
• 2:11
  Danae: I would have known that multiply that times five because
• 2:19
  Ellen: there was no matter how hard I tried I'm I'm better now that I have no children in the home, but I still kind of tend to run late.
• 2:26
  Ellen: And then today, like you said, I just.
• 2:29
  Ellen: Lose track of time.
• 2:30
  Ellen: I don't know what happens.
• 2:32
  Ellen: I mean, we have clocks in every room and my husband's, you know, former military.
• 2:37
  Ellen: So he's super precise.
• 2:39
  Ellen: My parents and friends have given me watches over the years.
• 2:43
  Ellen: I have some really beautiful watch jewelry, but I never wear them.
• 2:47
  Ellen: And I've given up I've re gifted them, but I just, I just have a.
• 2:51
  Ellen: I just get out of the time-space continuum and I look up and I'm like, oh my gosh, it's 1150.
• 2:58
  Ellen: And I was supposed to be there.
• 2:59
  Ellen: What happened the last time I looked at was ten third.
• 3:02
  Cheryl: So my problem is I forget to allow margin.
• 3:06
  Cheryl: Oh, okay.
• 3:07
  Cheryl: With parenting, I didn't even know the term margins, but I try to think, okay, I can get this and this and this done, and then I'll go put on some makeup and then I have to do this.
• 3:17
  Cheryl: And the problem is if you don't allow for margin, one little thing.
• 3:22
  Cheryl: And then suddenly, oh, I needed to leave at five after it.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: And now it's 15 or 20 half called being a time
• 3:28
  Danae: optimist somehow that little seed of times going to grow.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: I'm a margin optimist and think nothing's going to go wrong.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: And then I kept in the car and realize, oh no, I forgot whatever I got out the other day and I didn't even have my phone.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: I went to church.
• 3:50
  Cheryl: I didn't even have my phone with me.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: And it feels really weird and modern society because the majority of my life without a phone, but it's like forgetting your purse.
• 4:01
  Cheryl: And one of the things I realized is.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: I don't know all my kids' phone numbers.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: Ellen, I don't even know your phone number I used to, but I forgotten them.
• 4:11
  Cheryl: And so I will tell you what I thought about that.
• 4:14
  Cheryl: So I went home and on a piece of paper actually wrote out numbers and put them in my wallet.
• 4:21
  Cheryl: So at least you can put them in your phone.
• 4:24
  Cheryl: That's the problem, because I thought if something happened.
• 4:28
  Cheryl: I would be able to get ahold of people our
• 4:31
  Danae: biggest tip for the day.
• 4:33
  Danae: Yeah.
• 4:34
  Ellen: For, I need to do that too.
• 4:36
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 4:36
  Ellen: I don't know any of my children's phone numbers.
• 4:38
  Ellen: I know my husband's.
• 4:39
  Cheryl: What happens if you lose your phone or your phone gets damaged anyway.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: So there we are.
• 4:43
  Ellen: We'll have an address book that I still use at
• 4:46
  Cheryl: home.
• 4:47
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 4:48
  Ellen: I thought when you started to say that you were motioning writing on your hand, I was going, no, you didn't write it on your hand,
• 4:55
  Cheryl: but now at least I have important numbers, you know?
• 4:59
  Cheryl: that's a good tip.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: Well, it's just really different feeling.
• 5:03
  Cheryl: I remember my kids would say.
• 5:05
  Cheryl: How did you get along without a phone?
• 5:07
  Cheryl: How did you know?
• 5:08
  Cheryl: Well, we just didn't have the pressure.
• 5:09
  Cheryl: We didn't have that luxury.
• 5:11
  Cheryl: And it was very interesting thinking about it being out here.
• 5:16
  Cheryl: I went to a store and I thought, good thing.
• 5:18
  Cheryl: I didn't have to look things up and I'm watching other people book things up on their phone when they're there.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: And it was just a step out of the.
• 5:30
  Cheryl: World that we have to step out and be without a phone.
• 5:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:34
  Cheryl: And you've just memorized
• 5:35
  Ellen: your friend's numbers.
• 5:37
  Ellen: I mean, I had all my friends numbers memorized that I was close enough to, you know,
• 5:42
  Cheryl: I couldn't remember my number when we lived in Dallas.
• 5:45
  Cheryl: It was Fleetwood 2 6 0 3 2, because they had still had the word in five minutes.
• 5:50
  Cheryl: I don't think you go back to that.
• 5:53
  Cheryl: But they used to have words.
• 5:54
  Cheryl: And then the rest of the numbers.
• 5:56
  Ellen: My, my help is you just set your clock fast.
• 6:05
  Cheryl: Alan, I've been in your car because it doesn't matter.
• 6:09
  Cheryl: She goes, oh, doesn't matter.
• 6:10
  Cheryl: It's 15 minutes fast.
• 6:11
  Cheryl: It doesn't work with that.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: There's a
• 6:13
  Ellen: psychological thing.
• 6:14
  Ellen: If you look at the clock and it's noon, but you know, it's only 1145, but you know, okay, I've got 15 minutes to play.
• 6:23
  Ellen: And so there that helps me, but of course it drives my poor husband crazy.
• 6:27
  Ellen: Cause you know, he's on Zulu time or whatever at the time.
• 6:30
  Ellen: So,
• 6:31
  Cheryl: Well, This is a good conversation because I actually had on our list, a question, a mom said, how do I help my kids with time management?
• 6:38
  Cheryl: Because I'm terrible.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: So let's continue this and just jump right in that because that's what we're going to do today.
• 6:44
  Cheryl: Listeners, we're going to go through some more questions you've sent us.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: So I like what you're beginning to talk about.
• 6:50
  Cheryl: And preparing for margin with kids.
• 6:52
  Cheryl: You know, I remember your margin has to be so broad I like to prep them instead of dumping it on them and go quick, get in the car.
• 7:02
  Cheryl: We got to go right now, giving them space, particularly younger.
• 7:06
  Cheryl: But my teens also to give them space because that shows respect and values your child, saying Okay.
• 7:13
  Cheryl: Everybody, we have to leave in 15 minutes to give them some of that space.
• 7:18
  Cheryl: And then with the little ones, they don't understand that.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: So I've mentioned it before, but I think it's fantastic.
• 7:25
  Cheryl: Not a clock because well, digital clocks don't do kids any good, an analog clock, which means the hand moving and then sometimes everything older ones came to analogs anymore.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: They're all loose to digital.
• 7:37
  Cheryl: My youngest, who is an engineer, he, isn't not fast with analog bug because he never had, he never paid attention to.
• 7:45
  Cheryl: They have a time timer and there are different brands, but you can set the minutes you want, it looks like a clock face, but to set the minutes and the time to go is red.
• 7:56
  Cheryl: So it's not like just a clock when it beeps, we have to leave, they can actually watch the movement of it.
• 8:03
  Cheryl: So to say, oh, we can play this long or realize, oh, it's a tiny little bit of red.
• 8:10
  Cheryl: We don't have much time.
• 8:11
  Cheryl: And I would have loved to have had that because I love.
• 8:15
  Cheryl: Preparing my children.
• 8:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: Instead of lowering the boom and there's all the tension and they're frustrated.
• 8:22
  Cheryl: Yeah, this is
• 8:22
  Ellen: what comes chaos.
• 8:24
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 8:24
  Ellen: I mean, I was more organized when I have children in the home now that I don't, I kind of drift through time a little bit more, but.
• 8:30
  Ellen: You know, we did the same thing.
• 8:32
  Ellen: We did the prep, Hey, we're leaving in 15 minutes.
• 8:35
  Ellen: So you have some time to pick up, And we just did the old school timers and the kids were used to that.
• 8:41
  Danae: Yeah.
• 8:41
  Danae: I use my phone timer a lot for myself.
• 8:46
  Danae: If I'm talking with someone.
• 8:49
  Danae: I'm doing a task and I know I need to be leaving soon.
• 8:52
  Danae: It really helps me a lot to how to set that timer.
• 8:55
  Danae: Do the count down just to alert myself, you know, especially, you know, talking with a friend.
• 9:02
  Danae: I mean, I think that's, that's a great, you know, margin to be able to have with your friend and say, oh man, you know, I have until 10 today and then reminding yourself and reminding them, you know, If you really need to leave.
• 9:13
  Danae: And so I think that'd be something with, with the children too, since we all have our phones with us now,
• 9:18
  Ellen: But it still is really hard.
• 9:20
  Ellen: I mean, I was watching my daughter the other day, trying to leave my house.
• 9:23
  Ellen: With, uh, all of her children and, you know, one's ready to go and three are still picking up, the other one has a dirty diaper, you know, it's, it's just, it's a lot, it's a lot.
• 9:34
  Ellen: And I think that's where as moms, we do have to give ourselves a large margin because you don't know.
• 9:40
  Ellen: All the contingency plans you're going to have to have, as you're trying to get out the door and especially the bigger your family is, the more time you need
• 9:48
  Cheryl: and the younger they are.
• 9:49
  Danae: Yes.
• 9:49
  Danae: Age
• 9:50
  Cheryl: Also
• 9:50
  Ellen: that clock you were talking about.
• 9:52
  Ellen: Can you get that on
• 9:53
  Cheryl: Amazon?
• 9:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:54
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 9:54
  Cheryl: That's what look up Tom time for
• 9:57
  Ellen: me to give to, you know, to my daughters, you know, that's probably a good gift for me too.
• 10:03
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:04
  Cheryl: Mike could be setting in for you all the time.
• 10:08
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:08
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 10:08
  Danae: Yeah.
• 10:09
  Danae: I was thinking about time and that my youngest daughter really helped me manage time because she would have a dance class and the dance teacher.
• 10:22
  Danae: I told her if you're supposed to be here.
• 10:25
  Danae: If class starts at two o'clock two o'clock means you have your ballet shoes on, you are in class, in your spot.
• 10:33
  Danae: Ready to go.
• 10:35
  Danae: So, you know, my, how I was optimist with time would be, well, you're dropping your.
• 10:40
  Danae: Off where they're supposed to be at two o'clock, you know?
• 10:44
  Danae: And so she would S she started me in the habit of saying, okay, mom, you know, how long does it take from our house to the studio?
• 10:51
  Danae: Okay.
• 10:51
  Danae: It takes 10 minutes.
• 10:53
  Danae: I need to be walking in the door.
• 10:55
  Danae: At 1 45, anything past 1 45 I'm late.
• 10:59
  Danae: So she got me into this habit of thinking that way, if I'm supposed to be somewhere, how long is it going to take me to get there?
• 11:07
  Danae: When would I like to be walking in the door?
• 11:10
  Danae: If I'm supposed to be meeting someone and
• 11:12
  Ellen: that's.
• 11:13
  Danae: When my kids were little, we'd did the five minute rule.
• 11:15
  Danae: And I think we've talked about here that a lot of times that role needed to be for me because I'd be talking and said it, it did
• 11:25
  Cheryl: help at least.
• 11:26
  Danae: So you know, my kids are playing, they're having a good time and it would be five minute rule, you know, Hey, we're going to leave in five minutes or maybe it was in five minutes going to start putting away the toys.
• 11:37
  Danae: You know, if they're younger in five minutes, we're going to start, you know, Cleaning up the kitchen or whatever.
• 11:44
  Danae: And I think even though there were so many times that then moms, you know, mom's going to start talking to her friends.
• 11:53
  Danae: She's going to forget that.
• 11:54
  Danae: Even just the prep though.
• 11:56
  Danae: I think it's the consideration that we're having for our children.
• 12:00
  Danae: Um, the heart behind that, instead of it's our decision, we're all powerful.
• 12:05
  Danae: We're going to come in and say, let's go right now.
• 12:08
  Danae: Thinking that just like us, they want to have time to finish up that conversation with a friend, finish up the game.
• 12:14
  Danae: And I think that's what that, that quote unquote, five minute rule kind of did like, Hey, it's time to start thinking about that.
• 12:22
  Danae: We're going to leave and start finishing up what you're doing.
• 12:24
  Danae: It's a
• 12:25
  Cheryl: thoughtful thing.
• 12:26
  Ellen: I was going to say one of the things, um, that helped me when my kids were young, was to prep before we leave and put the stuff in the car.
• 12:35
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:35
  Ellen: And I still do that.
• 12:36
  Ellen: Now.
• 12:37
  Ellen: I will get a gather, all the stuff we need and I'll put it in the car ahead of time before we need to go, whether it was a diaper bag or my purse or the thing I was bringing to the event or whatever it was.
• 12:48
  Ellen: And then it was already in the car.
• 12:50
  Ellen: So all they had to do is get children in the car and having them have all their stuff ready to go.
• 12:55
  Ellen: And that would go in the car at least by the back door.
• 12:58
  Ellen: So it wasn't, we were all scattered trying to find things
• 13:01
  Cheryl: yeah, it was a big surprise to me, like.
• 13:03
  Cheryl: Just when Rebecca was a baby.
• 13:05
  Cheryl: And so we went back to school and so I stayed home with her.
• 13:11
  Cheryl: And, um, so like the big thing for me was to go to church on Sunday because I was home alone, brand new baby.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: And I was shocked because I realized to make Sunday mornings run real smoothly.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: I had to start about Thursday, particularly with once I had to, that I started on Thursday.
• 13:29
  Cheryl: Being sure everything was ready so that it was Smith.
• 13:33
  Cheryl: I'm going to write down here to have, some working moms come in.
• 13:38
  Cheryl: And what are they doing?
• 13:39
  Cheryl: Because I have compassion for that mom that has to be out.
• 13:44
  Cheryl: They have a deadline that's imposed on them and then they have.
• 13:48
  Cheryl: All of this, we're talking about happens in real life.
• 13:51
  Cheryl: And one of the things I'm really excited about with this new equipment with the technology, we are going to be able to do interviews.
• 13:58
  Cheryl: And I would love for us to have some working moms, give us their perspective It's a different situation, different world than working moms a long time ago So that's thinking whether you're sending your kids out to school in the morning, or definitely, um, the bigger perspective of moms.
• 14:17
  Cheryl: I'd love to hear their techniques and ideas for how to keep their stress down and to have it run smoothly with margin in there for.
• 14:27
  Cheryl: Error I think that would be great because I have such compassion for the restrictions of what they have on time like this.
• 14:35
  Cheryl: And, so we're going to do that.
• 14:38
  Cheryl: If you're a working mom, hang in there, we want to addressed that as well.
• 14:42
  Danae: I really like what you're talking about, because both of you have talked about planning, you know, and.
• 14:48
  Danae: We talk a lot about the reason why we do things with, and for our children.
• 14:55
  Danae: We want to keep our relationships with them as the top priority.
• 14:59
  Danae: And if we're always rushing around, you know, that's what I'm going to be.
• 15:03
  Danae: My crankiest gripey is bossiest self
• 15:07
  Ellen: that's.
• 15:07
  Ellen: When I usually yelled at somebody
• 15:10
  Cheryl: when I ended up lots of apologies.
• 15:12
  Cheryl: I'm sorry.
• 15:13
  Cheryl: I know.
• 15:13
  Cheryl: I didn't speak to you the way I should., right.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: Which we all
• 15:17
  Danae: have to do because we all get into those stressful situations.
• 15:22
  Danae: But I like the emphasis on the planning and, and we're all going to have different strategies with that, but it's the time that we're taking to.
• 15:32
  Danae: On a Thursday night to think of Sunday or on the weekend, or planning for getting up on Monday morning and getting the kids out and getting to work.
• 15:41
  Danae: It's that it's really important to make a plan.
• 15:45
  Danae: Yeah.
• 15:46
  Ellen: And probably the plan will fail.
• 15:49
  Ellen: And that's part of being a mom and a parent, you know, that we get, we do all these things, right.
• 15:56
  Ellen: And then, like you said, someone needs a diaper change at the last minute, or, you know, somebody's having some kind of meltdown in the corner.
• 16:03
  Danae: And I guess something, as the kids get older, we can start discussing with them.
• 16:09
  Danae: Also, you can ask them, how, how is this working for you?
• 16:13
  Danae: How are you feeling about our schedule and the mornings are getting you to your appointments or your practices.
• 16:19
  Danae: Is this working for you and collaborate with your children?
• 16:23
  Danae: You want the same thing?
• 16:24
  Danae: We sometimes we set up our relationships with our children where we're combative a lot because you know, it's mom against.
• 16:36
  Danae: Children get out the door and get out the door.
• 16:39
  Danae: So I think the more we can collaborate
• 16:41
  Cheryl: you're right, I think I was doing much better parenting to sit down and say, how can I help this work for you?
• 16:48
  Cheryl: What can we do?
• 16:49
  Cheryl: And sometimes it's surprising.
• 16:52
  Cheryl: Their viewpoint is something I wouldn't have thought of.
• 16:55
  Cheryl: Well, mom, actually, I'm trying to do this other that you told me, and then you come in real quickly and oh no.
• 17:01
  Cheryl: Now you have to change.
• 17:02
  Cheryl: And maybe it's someone who's a.
• 17:04
  Cheryl: More diligent, plotting in the way they do something or it's someone, you know, a different one.
• 17:10
  Cheryl: No, let's just wing it and do it the other way.
• 17:12
  Cheryl: So I love that to sit down, even when they're little and take the time to explain why, well, everybody
• 17:19
  Ellen: has expectations from the time they were about one on have expectations and we all have to work on those.
• 17:27
  Ellen: And that really kind of nips it in the bud.
• 17:29
  Ellen: If you can Communicate clearly.
• 17:32
  Ellen: Hey, the expectation is we're leaving at three o'clock and that's informed
• 17:37
  Cheryl: minutes.
• 17:37
  Cheryl: At least if it doesn't.
• 17:39
  Cheryl: Take care of the problem, but we've laid groundwork for the conversation of where they're understanding.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: and
• 17:45
  Danae: you're giving them back some of the responsibility.
• 17:50
  Danae: Yeah.
• 17:50
  Danae: Okay.
• 17:50
  Danae: It's their appointment.
• 17:51
  Danae: It's their practice.
• 17:52
  Danae: It's their school.
• 17:53
  Danae: That's also up to them and, and where you're not fighting.
• 17:57
  Danae: Without a doubt it,
• 17:59
  Cheryl: then if they left their books at home, you have to decide, am I enabling by going back and getting it?
• 18:07
  Cheryl: Is this a time to do that grace board to say, I'm really sorry
• 18:11
  Ellen: that that's part of the conflict
• 18:12
  Danae: that
• 18:13
  Cheryl: can be talked about too.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: I know that's what made a good conversation, because I think if I were in that position doing my best parenting.
• 18:21
  Cheryl: I might go get it the first time and then say, okay, now we need to talk about this.
• 18:25
  Cheryl: And then we sit down.
• 18:26
  Cheryl: I like the phrase that you, deal with it when it's an issue and you discuss it when it's not so that in the situation, okay, we'll get it all, go back and get your sandwich or whatever.
• 18:38
  Cheryl: And then now let's sit down and talk about it.
• 18:41
  Cheryl: And if it's appropriate saying next time, I'm not going to go get it for anything.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: I'm trying to help you learn.
• 18:48
  Cheryl: And, and so there's not the stress of the conversation when they're emotional.
• 18:52
  Cheryl: Are you.
• 18:53
  Cheryl: Um, well, they know the
• 18:55
  Ellen: expectation.
• 18:56
  Ellen: I have grace for the moment this time, but next time you're expected to not forget your shoes or to have your stuff ready to go.
• 19:05
  Cheryl (2): And can I help you with that?
• 19:08
  Cheryl (2): How can I help them?
• 19:09
  Cheryl (2): So good.
• 19:10
  Cheryl (2): Good which is a great thing.
• 19:11
  Cheryl: But
• 19:12
  Cheryl (2): The bad thing is a time is out on this week.
• 19:17
  Cheryl (2): So Please send us your questions we want more.
• 19:22
  Cheryl (2): And some of these, I think, may become episodes.
• 19:25
  Cheryl (2): Like I said, so you can DM us on social media.
• 19:29
  Cheryl (2): Text or email to contact@theparentingpodcast.com or go to our website.
• 19:35
  Cheryl (2): All these ways we need to hear from you because we want to stay relevant.
• 19:40
  Cheryl (2): And we want to speak into what your yes.
• 19:44
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:45
  Danae: If you have your questions, we'd love to, to help you out with those.
• 19:49
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:50
  Danae: The
• 19:50
  Cheryl: point.
• 19:50
  Cheryl: So remember moms hang in there.
• 19:52
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.