Latest / Love Matters With Leeza Mangaldas / The Ex-Factor: How To Deal With Breakups ft. Merenla Imsong

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The Ex-Factor: How To Deal With Breakups ft. Merenla Imsong · Love Matters With Leeza Mangaldas

0:05
Speaker 1: Breakups.
0:06
Speaker 2: We've all been there, called up in bed, as if
0:08
Speaker 2: the world is crashing down on us, as we question
0:11
Speaker 2: everything we thought we knew about love. I'm Lisa Mangoldas
0:15
Speaker 2: and this is Love Matters, and today we're talking about
0:18
Speaker 2: the messy terrain of heartbreak and breakups. I'm so excited
0:22
Speaker 2: today to me in conversation with Miranda in Song, who
0:25
Speaker 2: is one of my favorite content creators and someone who
0:29
Speaker 2: has the uncanny ability to reveal the messier parts of
0:33
Speaker 2: what it means to be human, the sides of ourselves
0:35
Speaker 2: that we typically hide or ignore. Miranda's also an actor
0:39
Speaker 2: and a writer and a comic. She's from Nagaland now
0:42
Speaker 2: based in Mumbai and I'm.
0:44
Speaker 1: A big fan Mirandla. So so I'm so happy that
0:46
Speaker 1: we're going to be talking today, even though it's about
0:48
Speaker 1: a rather unhappy topic.
0:50
Speaker 2: Oh, it can be happy though, right, I mean, yeah,
0:52
Speaker 2: sometimes a breakup is exactly what you need.
0:54
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, And looking back, I think all the breakups
0:57
Speaker 3: I've had, they were exactly what I needed at that
1:00
Speaker 3: point of time, even though that's not how I felt.
1:02
Speaker 3: Yeah it doesn't. You don't see it when it happened,
1:04
Speaker 3: I know, And it's happening. Oh my goodness, it is like,
1:07
Speaker 3: you know, the whole world is falling apart. I remember
1:09
Speaker 3: once doing a breakup. My friend came with a bouquet
1:13
Speaker 3: of flowers and she said, you're going to be laughing
1:15
Speaker 3: about this in two months, and she's like, you're not
1:18
Speaker 3: laughing now, but in two months we are going to
1:21
Speaker 3: have this conversation again. I'm going to remind you how
1:23
Speaker 3: I told you that you'll be laughing and you will
1:25
Speaker 3: be laughing.
1:26
Speaker 1: And were you laughing?
1:27
Speaker 4: Yeah, we were.
1:27
Speaker 3: Laughing, laughing, you were joking about it.
1:30
Speaker 4: Yeah.
1:30
Speaker 2: I think sometimes breakup's unnecessary. I mean, mainly when they happen,
1:36
Speaker 2: they needed to happen, right. How do you know when
1:38
Speaker 2: a relationship is over?
1:40
Speaker 3: I think it's when things become extremely dull. You're not
1:45
Speaker 3: excited to talk to the other person, there's nothing. When
1:49
Speaker 3: it becomes just a habit and a very boring habit
1:52
Speaker 3: that you wake up and you're like, you know, like
1:54
Speaker 3: when you wake up, it is a habit to go
1:56
Speaker 3: to the buttroom and brush your teeth. It's also a
1:58
Speaker 3: necessity to go brush your teeth. But but you treated
2:02
Speaker 3: like that, like oh yeah, yeah, ten o'clock or let
2:04
Speaker 3: me call them and say yeah, good morning, Yes, yeah,
2:06
Speaker 3: you have a good day too, goodbye, you know, and
2:08
Speaker 3: it's nothing's coming from the heart, and it's just a
2:11
Speaker 3: monotonous thing that's going on, and I think you know it.
2:15
Speaker 3: And a lot of times we are just in denial
2:19
Speaker 3: the breakup. All the breakups that have happened should ideally
2:23
Speaker 3: have happened at least two months prior to the date
2:25
Speaker 3: of the breakup.
2:26
Speaker 2: Because only two months, that's okay, or maybe even more.
2:30
Speaker 4: Because it's just like, yeah, yours.
2:32
Speaker 3: Also because it's just like you're just dragging this stone,
2:35
Speaker 3: You're dragging this humongous boulder, and you don't want to
2:39
Speaker 3: let go because you're so used to dragging that boulder
2:41
Speaker 3: and now you're comfortable dragging that stupid boulder along with you.
2:45
Speaker 1: That's a great analogy.
2:46
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think sometimes breaking up can seem like exiting
2:50
Speaker 2: a comfort zone, and so we tolerate a lot of
2:52
Speaker 2: stuff that retrospectively is like how did I endure that?
2:56
Speaker 1: Yeah? Why didn't I leave sooner?
2:58
Speaker 3: Yeah?
2:58
Speaker 4: Exactly.
2:59
Speaker 3: And like, speaking of comfort zones, when you break up,
3:04
Speaker 3: you also tend to get into the comfort zone of
3:07
Speaker 3: feeling pity for yourself because there's a lot of ego
3:11
Speaker 3: involved in breakup that we don't want to talk about,
3:14
Speaker 3: you know, like how could he decide that he doesn't
3:17
Speaker 3: want to be with me? That's yeah, there's a lot
3:21
Speaker 3: of ego involved, and you just want the other person
3:24
Speaker 3: to feel sad when you when.
3:27
Speaker 4: You've been broken up with, so it's extreme measures.
3:30
Speaker 3: You either go out and you try to pretend that
3:33
Speaker 3: you're having so much fun, or you just want to
3:36
Speaker 3: wallow in self pity because you want the pity of
3:39
Speaker 3: everyone around you and you just start enjoying being a
3:43
Speaker 3: victim that now you're super comfortable being you poor, poor me,
3:47
Speaker 3: Oh please pity me what I've been through that?
3:50
Speaker 1: So, yeah, what are you like in a breakup?
3:54
Speaker 2: Are you like I wish you well? Or plates breaking, kicking,
4:00
Speaker 2: screaming what are you doing?
4:02
Speaker 4: Like how could you do this to me? And then
4:07
Speaker 4: you know like, oh, go down the wall crying.
4:10
Speaker 3: Though I have had I have two I've had two
4:13
Speaker 3: polar opposites, polar opposite reactions to two breakups, and one
4:19
Speaker 3: was a very mature breakup and one was just me
4:22
Speaker 3: throwing tantrums. You know, it's so embarrassing seeing it now,
4:26
Speaker 3: but the tentrum while a breakup. I grew up so
4:31
Speaker 3: much as a result of it because I just wanted
4:35
Speaker 3: to be sad. And my friend, I remember, she's She
4:38
Speaker 3: was like, you know, you just sulk for a month
4:40
Speaker 3: and you'll be fine. So I sulked for a month.
4:43
Speaker 3: And after that one month morning period was done, I
4:47
Speaker 3: was like, wait a minute, what am I gonna do?
4:49
Speaker 3: Oh no, I'm going to just continue sulking because now
4:52
Speaker 3: I had gotten so comfortable in sulking, my friends calling
4:55
Speaker 3: me saying, how are you, How are you feeling? Should
4:57
Speaker 3: I send you food?
4:58
Speaker 4: You know?
4:59
Speaker 3: So I started in enjoying like all of this. You know,
5:01
Speaker 3: I just wanted to just and I was like, I
5:03
Speaker 3: want him to know that he has made me suffer.
5:06
Speaker 3: He should feel guilty, should feel remorse, He should be
5:10
Speaker 3: crying at the fact that he's made me cry. You know.
5:13
Speaker 3: So I was very very immature until I think after
5:18
Speaker 3: a point of time I slowly started realizing that with
5:22
Speaker 3: he's not the villain.
5:24
Speaker 4: I also contributed a lot.
5:26
Speaker 3: There were things, There were things I shouldn't have done,
5:30
Speaker 3: there were things I shouldn't have said. I also have
5:34
Speaker 3: certain problems that I need to work on, like I
5:37
Speaker 3: have all these attachment issues that I need to work on.
5:39
Speaker 3: And after that realization dawned on me, then things started
5:44
Speaker 3: changing a lot for me. Yeah, the growth happened after
5:48
Speaker 3: I stopped insisting on being the victim, So that was nice.
5:54
Speaker 2: I also am often tempted to see myself as perfect
5:58
Speaker 2: and it's always the other person's.
6:00
Speaker 1: Fault something doesn't work out.
6:01
Speaker 2: But I recognize also that in many ways I am
6:03
Speaker 2: hard to love. I think like we all would do
6:06
Speaker 2: ourselves a big service the sooner we recognize that. Yes,
6:10
Speaker 2: like everyone is hard, every single especially you're living together.
6:14
Speaker 1: Yeah.
6:14
Speaker 3: Yeah, you refuse you just refuse to accept your faults.
6:18
Speaker 3: It's one of the most difficult things be.
6:21
Speaker 1: I mean, you and I am pretty flawless, but.
6:27
Speaker 4: You know you're so stubborn, like, hey, you did this.
6:30
Speaker 3: Yeah, but you know you did this, which is a
6:32
Speaker 3: bigger fault than mine. Therefore your fault shadows my fault.
6:35
Speaker 3: And in a relationship when fights are happening, you tend
6:39
Speaker 3: to do that like I may have done that, but
6:41
Speaker 3: you did this so exactly, I want you to apologize first,
6:43
Speaker 3: and it becomes a.
6:45
Speaker 2: Competition when it's really I mean, we do well to
6:48
Speaker 2: acknowledge that, Yeah, both in our own ways neurotic and difficult.
6:53
Speaker 4: Yeah, exactly, you know.
6:54
Speaker 2: I mean, I think the relationship really asks the impossible
6:56
Speaker 2: of two people in a way, especially if the expectation
7:01
Speaker 2: is forever, Like I wonder if I could ever do forever.
7:03
Speaker 2: What's the longest relationship you've been in? Because when you
7:05
Speaker 2: would talk abou breakups, you mentioned like it took me
7:07
Speaker 2: a month or two months, like you should have left
7:09
Speaker 2: two months earlier.
7:10
Speaker 1: Which makes me think maybe they were not super long.
7:12
Speaker 3: They would It was a three year relationship.
7:16
Speaker 1: That's pretty long.
7:17
Speaker 3: Yeah, but then towards the end it became a long
7:19
Speaker 3: distance relationship. So this one was my mature breakup, which
7:22
Speaker 3: I'm very proud of. So three years we were together,
7:25
Speaker 3: and then it became long distance. We didn't even meet
7:27
Speaker 3: each other for a year, so and and we became
7:31
Speaker 3: like buddies.
7:32
Speaker 4: We were just friends.
7:34
Speaker 3: The romantic aspect of it just died. But I was
7:38
Speaker 3: so used to having someone to just call and like
7:41
Speaker 3: talk to, you know, just random stuff like hey, this
7:44
Speaker 3: just random things, you know, And and and then and
7:48
Speaker 3: he he was the one who actually pointed out and said,
7:50
Speaker 3: you know, we're not even romantic anymore. We're like buddies.
7:53
Speaker 3: You're like my You're almost like my bro like. He's like,
7:57
Speaker 3: that's not the kind of relationship I want. But because
8:01
Speaker 3: I get so used to comfort.
8:02
Speaker 4: I was like, no, this is fine. This is how
8:04
Speaker 4: relationships are supposed to be. He said, no, this is
8:07
Speaker 4: there has to be romance in a relationship. We just
8:10
Speaker 4: can't be just two friends. And on top of that,
8:13
Speaker 4: long distance. So we had a lot.
8:17
Speaker 3: Of chats about it, should we yeh? We should not?
8:20
Speaker 3: Should we? We should not? I so I have attachment issues,
8:25
Speaker 3: is what I realized over the course of time. I
8:28
Speaker 3: was like, no, I don't want to let it go
8:29
Speaker 3: because we can just let discontinue, you know, long distance.
8:33
Speaker 3: We talked to each other twice a day. I'm happy
8:35
Speaker 3: with that. I'm content with that. And he said, no,
8:37
Speaker 3: you should not be content with that. We should there
8:40
Speaker 3: should be more. There should be a bond than that.
8:42
Speaker 3: Bond is just nothing much right now. So finally we
8:46
Speaker 3: had the chat. We had a conversation, and then we
8:50
Speaker 3: decided to break up. And it was almost like a contract.
8:53
Speaker 4: Ending, you know.
8:54
Speaker 3: It was like we were like, we had the chat
8:57
Speaker 3: and then we had the follow up chat on the phone,
9:00
Speaker 3: and then we wished each other well yeah, yeah, yeah,
9:02
Speaker 3: you know, like in between we cried and then we're like, yeah, yeah,
9:05
Speaker 3: this is the best okay, and we still laugh about it.
9:08
Speaker 3: We're like, if we had been if we had both
9:11
Speaker 3: of us had been in person with each other, we
9:13
Speaker 3: probably would have shook hands after the breakup, you know.
9:16
Speaker 3: And we continue to be such good friends after that that.
9:19
Speaker 3: My father my parents were confused. They're like, didn't you
9:22
Speaker 3: guys break up? Yeah, why does he come home to
9:25
Speaker 3: just say hello that our friends? But parents been like, no,
9:28
Speaker 3: I thought you were supposed to hate each other, you know.
9:32
Speaker 3: But I was nice to just break up and continue
9:36
Speaker 3: being friends because once that thing went from our heads,
9:40
Speaker 3: that all. Yeah, the romance actually never worked out. We
9:43
Speaker 3: actually just became friends over the course of the relationship,
9:46
Speaker 3: and once we accepted that, we became such good friends. Yeah,
9:51
Speaker 3: my father was really upset with the breakup. He liked
9:54
Speaker 3: she really liked the guy. Yeah, was like, and he
9:58
Speaker 3: never told me, but my mom told me that your
10:00
Speaker 3: dad is taking time getting over the breakup.
10:05
Speaker 2: I think it's interesting how families can also play a
10:08
Speaker 2: role in our relationship, especially in India, where in a way,
10:12
Speaker 2: the families tend to get a little bit more involved
10:15
Speaker 2: in the decisions of their children's partners, where I suppose
10:20
Speaker 2: some people may even stick.
10:23
Speaker 1: It out in a relationship in order to please their.
10:26
Speaker 2: You know, because I think people I think there's also
10:28
Speaker 2: a stigma around divorce, for example, so if you're married,
10:32
Speaker 2: or you know, if your partners known to the family somehow.
10:35
Speaker 1: Like there's all of that.
10:36
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it sounds like luckily you haven't had to
10:39
Speaker 2: encounter those sorts of pressures and you could leave if.
10:41
Speaker 1: You wanted to leave.
10:42
Speaker 3: Yeah, I've been very fortunate because my father's was a
10:47
Speaker 3: divorcee and then k and my mother married, but then
10:52
Speaker 3: I was born before they could get married, so they
10:56
Speaker 3: faced a lot of stigma already. So I guess they
10:59
Speaker 3: never wanted me to go through any of that because
11:01
Speaker 3: they were like, yeah, we majorly messed up doing our youth,
11:04
Speaker 3: but we're not.
11:05
Speaker 4: Going to control you from with anything. So I've been
11:08
Speaker 4: very fortunate that way too.
11:10
Speaker 2: My parents also divorced, well, yours are still together, yeah,
11:13
Speaker 2: divorced after.
11:16
Speaker 3: Yeah, but yeah, so so so you know, they are
11:19
Speaker 3: very understanding. They were like, they've never pressured me to anything.
11:23
Speaker 3: They've questioned my choices, my choices.
11:27
Speaker 5: Are you sure well we still love you, but uh, okay,
11:34
Speaker 5: you know, and then they just and they've never pressured
11:37
Speaker 5: me to get married, which is the best part.
11:40
Speaker 3: My mom she told me I don't really need to
11:42
Speaker 3: get married. Then she told me, oh, you can get
11:45
Speaker 3: married at the age of forty five. What if I
11:47
Speaker 3: is also not too late to get married. It's like
11:49
Speaker 3: she'll just throw random things around.
11:51
Speaker 1: You know.
11:52
Speaker 3: My father has never brought up a topic of marriage.
11:55
Speaker 3: He just wants a grandchild, and he's just you know,
11:58
Speaker 3: it's like, and he'll make jokes around me. You'll be like, oh,
12:02
Speaker 3: my back is itching, like oh, what happened. It's because
12:06
Speaker 3: there needs to be a grandchild. There some little ship
12:10
Speaker 3: he'll make up, you know, and he'll he'll look and like, oh,
12:13
Speaker 3: look at all these old men with their grandchildren.
12:16
Speaker 4: And he'll just look longingly and all of that stuff.
12:19
Speaker 2: So I suppose breakups don't bode well when child has
12:23
Speaker 2: it yet, have the child then break up?
12:26
Speaker 1: Well, I must not digress back to the cheery topic and.
12:30
Speaker 3: Break and breakups. Yes, of course, although it.
12:33
Speaker 2: Does sound relatively from what I've heard, sofar like you
12:36
Speaker 2: haven't had a catastrophic breakup and you said, you said
12:39
Speaker 2: you dealt with one with more melo drama. Yes, yes,
12:42
Speaker 2: you know, some people's.
12:43
Speaker 6: Breakups like involve a devastating situation where there's an end
12:50
Speaker 6: that is beyond ever recovering a friendship for example.
12:54
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, yeah.
12:55
Speaker 3: Have you had like one of those.
12:56
Speaker 2: Really messy, ugly breakups or have they generally been civilized
13:00
Speaker 2: to be friends with your exes?
13:01
Speaker 3: There's only one x.
13:02
Speaker 4: With with whom I've.
13:05
Speaker 3: I've had I've not been in proper relationships before this
13:09
Speaker 3: first relationship, you know, because sometimes you're in these situations
13:13
Speaker 3: where you think you're in a relationship with.
13:15
Speaker 4: This guy, but he doesn't see it the same way.
13:18
Speaker 3: So I had a few of those until I found
13:21
Speaker 3: this guy with whom had a proper relationship. So it
13:24
Speaker 3: made me feel very secure, very stick. I guess that's
13:26
Speaker 3: why I had a lot of respect for him, and
13:29
Speaker 3: you know, like it was my first proper relationship and
13:32
Speaker 3: all of that, and we just had a lot of
13:34
Speaker 3: mutual respect for each other, so the respect never went anywhere.
13:38
Speaker 1: That's wonderful.
13:39
Speaker 2: So so now we've established excess can be friends.
13:42
Speaker 1: Yes, have you ever gotten back with an X.
13:44
Speaker 4: Yes.
13:45
Speaker 1: Do you think that the breakap of.
13:47
Speaker 2: I don't know separation allowed for perspectives that then enriched
13:51
Speaker 2: the relationship?
13:52
Speaker 3: Tell me the story? Yes, yes, in fact, it's my
13:55
Speaker 3: current relationship. It's like, we like to call it the
13:58
Speaker 3: second season of our relationship.
14:00
Speaker 1: Can we joke about that? Better than season one?
14:02
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah? And season season two has been a lot
14:05
Speaker 3: better than season one. And I'm like, am I being
14:07
Speaker 3: delusional when I say this? I'm being delusion because it is,
14:12
Speaker 3: you know, you break.
14:13
Speaker 4: Up with someone and then you go back.
14:14
Speaker 5: You know.
14:15
Speaker 2: Two questions that came to mind. One what do you
14:17
Speaker 2: think closure looks like for you? And also what did
14:24
Speaker 2: the fact that you'd broken Apple ended season one add
14:29
Speaker 2: to the prospect of season two being successful?
14:33
Speaker 1: If that makes sense? Were there lessons or some sort
14:35
Speaker 1: of way?
14:36
Speaker 4: There were a lot of takeaways.
14:37
Speaker 3: There were a lot of lessons, and I think with me,
14:41
Speaker 3: my guard also went up, and I learned to establish boundaries.
14:45
Speaker 3: I think my head was not screwed on the right
14:47
Speaker 3: place in season one is what I can say, and
14:51
Speaker 3: I just let myself go, you know, and I learned
14:53
Speaker 3: I was like, no, this is I will do what
14:56
Speaker 3: I want, you know, instead of just being so enamored
14:59
Speaker 3: by someone and I'm just saying yes, yes, yes to
15:01
Speaker 3: everything that they're asking me to do. And he picked
15:04
Speaker 3: up on that and he's like, I know you're doing
15:07
Speaker 3: you're helping me out whatever because and it's not coming
15:10
Speaker 3: from your heart. Is because you're forcing yourself to do
15:15
Speaker 3: all of this you don't have to. And I didn't
15:18
Speaker 3: realize it, and then it was like, no, wait, I
15:19
Speaker 3: want to do my own stuff, you know. And I
15:22
Speaker 3: think the way we view closure closure is never one
15:27
Speaker 3: step process because we always like, oh, I need closure,
15:30
Speaker 3: I need to have this one conversation where I let
15:32
Speaker 3: out everything.
15:33
Speaker 4: We let out everything.
15:35
Speaker 3: After three days, you remember like some two points that
15:38
Speaker 3: now you want to add to that conversation and you're like, wait, wait, wait,
15:40
Speaker 3: I need to call it now say these two points.
15:43
Speaker 3: Then it keeps going on. So we always see closure
15:48
Speaker 3: as this thing where we go and tell that person
15:50
Speaker 3: everything that is bottled up and all our anger and
15:53
Speaker 3: throwing up anger. Like closure is this projectile vomit of
15:58
Speaker 3: all your anger and your friend stration that comes out.
16:01
Speaker 4: After a breakup.
16:02
Speaker 3: But closure is actually just accepting things and not having
16:07
Speaker 3: to not having the need to go and tell that
16:10
Speaker 3: person not having the need to say all your hurt,
16:13
Speaker 3: all your anger, when when you just learn to accept
16:16
Speaker 3: it's It's like how they say the opposite of love
16:19
Speaker 3: is not hatred, it's indifference.
16:21
Speaker 4: So closure is when you reach.
16:22
Speaker 3: That point of point of indifference or you just don't
16:25
Speaker 3: give a shit, you don't care, you're life. Yeah, it happened,
16:28
Speaker 3: it's over, it's over, it's in the past.
16:30
Speaker 1: You know.
16:31
Speaker 2: Do you think that in an era of dating apps
16:33
Speaker 2: and you know, constant sort of opportunities to meet a
16:38
Speaker 2: new person, et cetera, do you think that we always
16:42
Speaker 2: owe someone a breakup or have you ever ghosted anyone?
16:45
Speaker 2: Like when when does an interaction qualify as something that
16:49
Speaker 2: requires a formal acknowledgment that it is over?
16:53
Speaker 3: Oh wow, So I was on a dating app eight
16:59
Speaker 3: years ago, I think, yeah, for a few months and
17:05
Speaker 3: I met two people like one date were hello, Hi, yes, cheers, okay, goodbye,
17:13
Speaker 3: nice meeting you, and that was it, and the other
17:15
Speaker 3: one was twice once was high hello, yes, yes, nice coffee,
17:20
Speaker 3: yes yes, nice juice?
17:22
Speaker 4: And then should we meet again?
17:23
Speaker 3: Okay, we can go watch a movie, watch the movie,
17:26
Speaker 3: and then and the conversation just trailed off.
17:29
Speaker 2: I'm not a huge fan of long explanations when it's
17:33
Speaker 2: not yet work, like yeah, yeah, when do you give
17:36
Speaker 2: that long?
17:38
Speaker 3: And would you say that?
17:39
Speaker 2: In your previous sort of most significant relationships you mentioned,
17:46
Speaker 2: I don't know how many relationships were referring to, but
17:48
Speaker 2: I've kept track of like two significant.
17:50
Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, that's it. That's it.
17:52
Speaker 2: So have you not yet been the initiator of a breakup?
17:56
Speaker 3: Yeah?
17:57
Speaker 4: That's interesting, yes.
17:59
Speaker 2: Because I think I would imagine the dynamic changes a
18:01
Speaker 2: little based on who kind of takes the initiative. Usually
18:05
Speaker 2: when I feel like, usually if one party thinks they
18:08
Speaker 2: should break up, it's probably best even for the party
18:11
Speaker 2: who doesn't want like why would you want to be
18:13
Speaker 2: with somebody who's.
18:14
Speaker 4: Feeling feeling it exactly?
18:15
Speaker 2: But I think that the dynamic shifts based on who
18:20
Speaker 2: takes the initiative to end a relationship.
18:23
Speaker 3: Do you think that's the initiative also seems to have
18:25
Speaker 3: more power in the relationship because sometimes I think people
18:33
Speaker 3: threaten to break up as like a power trip because
18:36
Speaker 3: they know this person does not want to break up
18:38
Speaker 3: with them, so they bring up that, well, I'm going
18:39
Speaker 3: to break up with you because they just want to
18:42
Speaker 3: feel more powerful in a relationship. Also, the person who's
18:46
Speaker 3: breaking up seems to be coping with it better because
18:50
Speaker 3: they have thought about this, they have already. It's only
18:53
Speaker 3: after they've processed, awaigh the pros and consent everything that
18:56
Speaker 3: they have come to you with the proposition that we
18:59
Speaker 3: need to break up, you know, so that person might
19:04
Speaker 3: heal earlier than the one who's being broken up with.
19:08
Speaker 4: Am I getting my Yeah?
19:10
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's just the time.
19:12
Speaker 4: It's just time. Yeah.
19:13
Speaker 3: Who has reached their first Who has come to the
19:16
Speaker 3: conclusion first?
19:17
Speaker 1: Yeah?
19:18
Speaker 2: And would you say that some of the experience of
19:21
Speaker 2: heartbreak ends up dragging itself along.
19:25
Speaker 1: Into the next relationship.
19:27
Speaker 3: Of course, of course we don't realize the habits, bad
19:31
Speaker 3: habits from previous relationships that you drag on, not even
19:37
Speaker 3: previous relationships with It's what you see at home during
19:41
Speaker 3: your childhood, you know, like things that you've seen your
19:45
Speaker 3: parents do. Like I think all of us at one
19:48
Speaker 3: point of time, we've seen our parents go through a
19:50
Speaker 3: patchy part in their marriage. And I remember even with
19:56
Speaker 3: my parents when they would argue, my father would get
19:59
Speaker 3: annoyed and we just leave and go to a friend's
20:01
Speaker 3: house and stay, like just go to a friend's house
20:04
Speaker 3: and then come back at night or something like that.
20:07
Speaker 3: But so as a kid, I was so used to
20:09
Speaker 3: seeing that that whenever I would fighting a relationship, I
20:11
Speaker 3: would I would just want to pack up my bags
20:13
Speaker 3: and leave, you know.
20:14
Speaker 4: I would be like, I don't want to see you.
20:16
Speaker 4: I'm going home. I want to see you.
20:17
Speaker 3: I'm you know. And it took me so much to it,
20:20
Speaker 3: so much time to realize. I was like, shit, I'm
20:22
Speaker 3: just mirroring what I saw as a child. I'm trying
20:25
Speaker 3: to be my dad, you know. And so not just relationship,
20:30
Speaker 3: but stuff in your child childhood. I think it just
20:33
Speaker 3: drags things that we just keep, things that we see
20:37
Speaker 3: as kids. We don't realize how much it has affected us,
20:40
Speaker 3: how much it's just so deeply rooted in us.
20:43
Speaker 1: A first, right, Yeah.
20:45
Speaker 3: And we carry it for so long and then it
20:48
Speaker 3: comes out at the most unexpected moments.
20:51
Speaker 4: Then you don't even realize it.
20:52
Speaker 1: That's so true.
20:54
Speaker 2: Do you think that breakups make you a little bit more.
20:58
Speaker 1: Wary in love every time?
21:00
Speaker 3: Like did you have a first.
21:02
Speaker 2: Love where you, you know, like went all in with
21:05
Speaker 2: such a band and like the love of someone who's
21:07
Speaker 2: never been hurt.
21:08
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, do.
21:09
Speaker 1: You know what I mean?
21:10
Speaker 2: I sometimes think about myself and like, one, if I
21:12
Speaker 2: can ever love with that.
21:16
Speaker 1: Intensity because I'm just like a bit jaded.
21:18
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know what I mean. Yes, but I won't
21:22
Speaker 3: think jaded. It's just you've learned to be mature your
21:26
Speaker 3: first love. You're just like, oh, tra la la la love.
21:29
Speaker 3: We're gonna have three kids, we're gonna get married in
21:32
Speaker 3: two years, and you know we're gonna sail in heaven
21:35
Speaker 3: and the clouds are just going to fall on us
21:37
Speaker 3: in flower petals will fall on well, there'll be rose
21:41
Speaker 3: petals on our path everywhere we walk. You just start
21:44
Speaker 3: making up these fantasies. But with every relationship you become become,
21:48
Speaker 3: you become more and more pragmatic, which is the way
21:52
Speaker 3: to go.
21:53
Speaker 4: You have to be practical. You can't I suppose happier.
21:56
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.
21:57
Speaker 2: But I think I'm also wary of the fact that
22:00
Speaker 2: sometimes I might bring trauma from a previous relationship into
22:06
Speaker 2: a new one where this poor new guy like does
22:08
Speaker 2: not it might not, And that you know where you're
22:11
Speaker 2: like cautious about things because you had that experience one, yeah,
22:15
Speaker 2: but where in a way you also deny the other
22:18
Speaker 2: person the opportunity.
22:19
Speaker 1: To really be different. Yes, because you're kind of coming
22:23
Speaker 1: and wounded.
22:24
Speaker 3: Yeah.
22:24
Speaker 2: Yeah, have you had that sort of experience as well?
22:27
Speaker 4: Yeah, because you come in the thing.
22:31
Speaker 3: It's like, like you said, wounded, So a wounded animal
22:35
Speaker 3: will still try to attack you will not always just
22:38
Speaker 3: be wounded. So you're wounded, but you're still trying to bite.
22:42
Speaker 3: So they have no idea how to approach you know,
22:45
Speaker 3: how to maneuver around your behavior. And I think that
22:49
Speaker 3: happens a lot with me. The tendency to shut down,
22:55
Speaker 3: you know, is a lot until one day my boyfriend
23:00
Speaker 3: me is that this silence of yours is it's very violent.
23:04
Speaker 3: There's no words coming on, but it is very violent
23:07
Speaker 3: to the other person.
23:08
Speaker 4: And that's when I realized that, oh.
23:10
Speaker 1: I need to talk.
23:11
Speaker 4: I can't talk to everything. I actually need to talk.
23:15
Speaker 3: And then I thought and I was like, oh yeah,
23:17
Speaker 3: childhood trauba. When things would happen, I would just I
23:20
Speaker 3: wouldn't know how to react and I would just shut
23:22
Speaker 3: shut down, shut down. You know.
23:24
Speaker 2: That's such an interesting and powerful description of silence as violent.
23:31
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, And because you always think you are right,
23:35
Speaker 3: you always think you are right, and when your partner
23:38
Speaker 3: points out something about you which is so wrong and
23:43
Speaker 3: you really and when you realize at that point you
23:45
Speaker 3: come to that real it really shocks you. And you're
23:47
Speaker 3: also like, wow, okay, yeah, I'm messed up in that area.
23:51
Speaker 3: I have to work on that, you know, just just speechless.
23:55
Speaker 2: Where do you turn to for healing or what are
23:58
Speaker 2: your strategies for healing after a breakup?
24:02
Speaker 3: Food?
24:03
Speaker 4: Yeah?
24:03
Speaker 1: Great?
24:04
Speaker 4: And friends?
24:05
Speaker 1: Friends yeah yeah, yeah you have.
24:07
Speaker 3: Luckily I have the the sharp down friend, then I
24:12
Speaker 3: have the supportive friend, then I have the listener friends.
24:16
Speaker 3: So everyone just contributes a little of everything. So the
24:21
Speaker 3: sharp town friend is the one who just gave me
24:23
Speaker 3: flowers and said.
24:25
Speaker 4: Yeah like that.
24:27
Speaker 3: The then the other one gave food and like was
24:32
Speaker 3: like at work but video calling me and saying it's okay,
24:36
Speaker 3: Oh look at you. You look so ugly when you're crying,
24:39
Speaker 3: but it's okay.
24:42
Speaker 4: So it's like that.
24:43
Speaker 3: Wide support network that really gave.
24:46
Speaker 1: Do you think the drink?
24:47
Speaker 2: To that extent, women have an advantage in that we
24:50
Speaker 2: tend to have the you know, a sharp ability, a
24:56
Speaker 2: better skill at being vulnerable with each other, like stronger
25:00
Speaker 2: social connections. I often think like two men like do
25:02
Speaker 2: brosted and you know, to share their heartbreak. I don't
25:06
Speaker 2: think they do, you know, I don't think they do.
25:08
Speaker 2: I think that often a woman becomes a straight man's
25:11
Speaker 2: like complete emotional world, and then he does not know
25:14
Speaker 2: what to do when she leaves.
25:15
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I mean I don't know how men deal
25:17
Speaker 3: with their emotions because we women, we we gather, we talk,
25:21
Speaker 3: we cry together. You know, I've had so many incidents
25:25
Speaker 3: where a friend is crying and I don't know why
25:28
Speaker 3: they crying. Animals are crying with them, like I'm so sorry,
25:31
Speaker 3: whatever's happening to you either, So we just we just
25:34
Speaker 3: feel and we just.
25:35
Speaker 1: We let ourselves do.
25:36
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, that's so beautiful.
25:39
Speaker 1: Men. Men, You guys should try it sometimes, you.
25:42
Speaker 3: Guys should, yeah, get together and cry.
25:46
Speaker 1: I'm not even kidding. Do you find that in terms
25:52
Speaker 1: of what you're looking for in a partner.
25:55
Speaker 2: Breakups actually serve as a really important learning experience, Like
26:00
Speaker 2: I often think I learn a lot about myself as
26:03
Speaker 2: well as what I actually want from a relationship or
26:06
Speaker 2: partner when I have healed enough to look back objectively
26:10
Speaker 2: at why it didn't work out. Yeah, yeah, it kind
26:12
Speaker 2: of gives me more clarity what I actually like. I
26:16
Speaker 2: feel like all my breakups have been a process, an
26:18
Speaker 2: education in what I don't want in affretation, do.
26:23
Speaker 1: You know what I mean?
26:24
Speaker 3: Yes, like my heart, But you come out of life why, yeah,
26:28
Speaker 3: you're graduating with honors every time. That because I also think, like,
26:33
Speaker 3: what other project.
26:34
Speaker 2: In life that is so that can cause so much pain?
26:38
Speaker 2: Do we then set forth to do all over again?
26:41
Speaker 2: You know what I mean?
26:42
Speaker 1: Anything with a fifty percent chance of failure or where
26:44
Speaker 1: you've already had experience pain several times?
26:48
Speaker 7: Yes?
26:48
Speaker 2: Would you return to with such enthusiasm once? I Other
26:53
Speaker 2: than love, I don't know a single other thing I do. Yeah, yeah,
26:56
Speaker 2: you know, a new even though I've just had my
26:58
Speaker 2: heart not just but do you know what I mean
27:01
Speaker 2: that we're very optimistic about love as a species.
27:03
Speaker 1: We're probably hardwired into it. But I also think we
27:05
Speaker 1: learned from a breakup.
27:06
Speaker 3: Yeah.
27:06
Speaker 4: And it's hilarious how after a breakup you're like.
27:09
Speaker 7: Never being in a relationship ever again, never looking at
27:12
Speaker 7: a man ever again, and six months later like, oh
27:16
Speaker 7: I met this guy, you know, like we just become
27:19
Speaker 7: so dizzy and so happy all over again we are.
27:23
Speaker 2: Which is quite I mean our resilience is something to
27:26
Speaker 2: be tolerance.
27:27
Speaker 4: That we have.
27:29
Speaker 3: I suppose to pro as long as we're not repeating
27:31
Speaker 3: the same mistakes and.
27:34
Speaker 4: You know, moving forward.
27:36
Speaker 3: So but then you also kind of like miss parts
27:39
Speaker 3: of your previous relationship and your present relationship, you know,
27:43
Speaker 3: you know all of that, Like if you're like with
27:48
Speaker 3: my previous relationship. We were such good friends also because
27:53
Speaker 3: we were so from the same community, and that makes
27:56
Speaker 3: it so much easier, you know, because you have the
27:59
Speaker 3: same background, have you speak the same language, you understand
28:02
Speaker 3: the same local jokes from back home, you know, Versus
28:07
Speaker 3: now I'm with someone who's from a completely different culture,
28:09
Speaker 3: so he's not going to understand the same kind of
28:12
Speaker 3: jokes I would crack.
28:13
Speaker 4: With the other guy.
28:14
Speaker 3: So I would be like, oh, I wish he understood
28:16
Speaker 3: my jokes, the jokes from my village, you know, those
28:20
Speaker 3: kind of things. Yeah, but then we would bond in
28:23
Speaker 3: certain in a way that I would never bond with
28:26
Speaker 3: the X do. It's techon leaving something behind. I miss
28:30
Speaker 3: something from there, but I've gained something new from here.
28:35
Speaker 3: I don't think any guy Hollywood has really sold us
28:39
Speaker 3: this whole concept of romantic love. Romantic love but I
28:43
Speaker 3: don't think any other guy is supposed to complete you
28:46
Speaker 3: like a circle like that. You know, you there's a
28:50
Speaker 3: lot of adjustments that you need to learn to make,
28:53
Speaker 3: and women, we come into our full being, our full
28:58
Speaker 3: form after we cross thirty. I feel in your twenties
29:02
Speaker 3: you have no idea what.
29:03
Speaker 4: On earth is happening.
29:04
Speaker 3: You're just going and like you're getting your head hit here.
29:08
Speaker 4: Then you're going and bumping into something else here.
29:11
Speaker 3: You know, you're just figuring out leve You're not emotional
29:16
Speaker 3: in general, like yeah, yeah, baby's still yeah. In our
29:20
Speaker 3: twenties and in that thirties, then we start realizing, oh wait,
29:23
Speaker 3: this is what I want, this is this is this
29:25
Speaker 3: is what I want, you know, which is why I
29:28
Speaker 3: don't know.
29:28
Speaker 4: I feel women sometimes women.
29:31
Speaker 3: Who are married too early to get the chance to
29:33
Speaker 3: get to know themselves.
29:34
Speaker 1: Yeah.
29:35
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm intrigued by the fact that you mentioned the
29:39
Speaker 2: differences between dating somebody from a similar commial culture versus
29:46
Speaker 2: somebody who is from an entirely different one. People assume
29:51
Speaker 2: that the same community makes you more comp like that's
29:54
Speaker 2: the premise of relationships in there where enogamous culture where
29:58
Speaker 2: people's families kind of push them in remarrying within the same,
30:01
Speaker 2: rich and same and yet I mean, it really is
30:04
Speaker 2: no guarantee for compatibility at all, And actually.
30:06
Speaker 1: It's kind of insular.
30:08
Speaker 2: And I mean, I'm a big fan of across cultural romances.
30:12
Speaker 1: I love hearing about that.
30:14
Speaker 2: And so would you agree that maybe while this you
30:17
Speaker 2: may romanticize certain aspects of having a shared cultural reference point,
30:24
Speaker 2: would you agree that there's also something to be to
30:30
Speaker 2: be said for the fact that compatibility, the most important
30:34
Speaker 2: aspect of it, is actually beyond that. Like you can
30:36
Speaker 2: have to shed like either it's there or it's not there,
30:39
Speaker 2: and your shared community community reference point cannot bring that
30:44
Speaker 2: I think that needs to be there.
30:45
Speaker 3: Do you agree?
30:46
Speaker 1: Do you know what I'm saying?
30:47
Speaker 3: Yes, you can bring in the park through so many
30:49
Speaker 3: other things. You know, like your community upbringing does not
30:53
Speaker 3: guarantee that you will end up liking the exact same
30:56
Speaker 3: thing you You will understand the same jokes, you will
31:00
Speaker 3: like the same kind of food, But maybe your favorite
31:03
Speaker 3: country to visit is not the same. You know, their
31:05
Speaker 3: choices will be different, the tasted movies will not be
31:10
Speaker 3: the same. You know the way you view marriages will
31:13
Speaker 3: not be the same. So and that is, and all
31:18
Speaker 3: of that is achieved through people from another community, you know.
31:22
Speaker 3: Like I I remember with my ex, I was like,
31:26
Speaker 3: you know, just if you're going to get married, I've
31:28
Speaker 3: court marriage is fine. And he was very adam He
31:31
Speaker 3: was like, no, I think you know, any marriages you
31:34
Speaker 3: have to get it done in the church, you know,
31:36
Speaker 3: he was adamant on that. I was like, you understand,
31:38
Speaker 3: but if you get married in the church, you're going
31:40
Speaker 3: to have.
31:40
Speaker 4: To invite so many people. I'm not dealing with the
31:42
Speaker 4: stress of that.
31:43
Speaker 3: So like these little little things where the little disagreements
31:48
Speaker 3: start popping up. Yeah, I suppose it's.
31:52
Speaker 2: Also kind of difficult not to compare one's relationships with
31:56
Speaker 2: each other.
31:57
Speaker 1: So I suppose I didn't mean to encourage you do that.
32:01
Speaker 2: I'm sure that with good aspects of both, but also
32:05
Speaker 2: both relationship interesting.
32:07
Speaker 3: Is it's so funny like you can meet someone from
32:09
Speaker 3: a completely different culture and you will if you're going
32:12
Speaker 3: to find the point of connection, you will still find
32:15
Speaker 3: the point of connection.
32:16
Speaker 1: You know, you can.
32:17
Speaker 3: Exactly you can still find the connection with someone with
32:20
Speaker 3: whom you don't even speak the same language.
32:22
Speaker 1: That's what I think.
32:23
Speaker 3: It's there or it's not.
32:24
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's either there or not.
32:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you know quite quickly, I feel
32:27
Speaker 2: like it's not about looks, it's not about.
32:30
Speaker 3: It's it's just.
32:31
Speaker 1: It's like an intangible quality that's either present or not.
32:34
Speaker 2: And you can only really tell if you mean, I
32:35
Speaker 2: don't can tell from a photo.
32:37
Speaker 1: Yeah, do you know what I mean?
32:38
Speaker 4: Yes? Yes?
32:39
Speaker 3: So what advice would you have for your.
32:43
Speaker 2: Younger heartbroken self if you could go back with all
32:46
Speaker 2: the wisdom you have today.
32:48
Speaker 8: I think, first of all, just go on, slap give
32:51
Speaker 8: one time, slap you cry or this guy, this guy,
32:54
Speaker 8: Oh my goodness, what is wrong with you?
32:58
Speaker 4: And then just myself that.
33:02
Speaker 3: Wow, wow, see, I just have so much I just
33:05
Speaker 3: want to scold my younger self, like why could why
33:07
Speaker 3: would you waste.
33:08
Speaker 4: Your time on this guy?
33:09
Speaker 3: Now? Yeah, you have so much more in life that
33:13
Speaker 3: you're gonna achieve that you cannot be spending your time
33:16
Speaker 3: crying over this guy. You know, you the kind of
33:19
Speaker 3: men this is like the first first love guy okay
33:22
Speaker 3: with the useless guy, Like I was like, what a
33:26
Speaker 3: Now I look back, I'm like, what a waste? First love?
33:28
Speaker 3: All of that energy went towards some useless guy in college?
33:33
Speaker 4: You know, like and all of that, and.
33:36
Speaker 3: It's and just tell myself that you are going to
33:39
Speaker 3: go and meet such much better men who are gonna
33:42
Speaker 3: you're gonna.
33:44
Speaker 4: Learn and grow with much better men, and you're going
33:47
Speaker 4: to actually grow up. You're going to grow so much.
33:49
Speaker 3: You're gonna if you see where you're going to be
33:52
Speaker 3: ten years from now, you're going to be shocked. You're
33:54
Speaker 3: going to be very impressed with yourself. So stop crying
33:57
Speaker 3: over this guy. Yeah, I love silly, it's stupid.
34:01
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think we would all do well to go
34:04
Speaker 2: back and tell.
34:06
Speaker 3: You I think anyone who goes bed I don't think
34:10
Speaker 3: I don't think anyone would go I mean most of
34:13
Speaker 3: us who go back in the past will just hold
34:15
Speaker 3: our younger selves, you know, Like, but if this thing
34:18
Speaker 3: that you think is the end of the world today, yeah, yeah,
34:21
Speaker 3: the world is just it's not ending exactly exactly.
34:24
Speaker 1: I think that we all do well to go back
34:28
Speaker 1: and reassure our younger selves.
34:29
Speaker 4: That we are going to get through this.
34:31
Speaker 2: Yes, and Marian, it's been such a pleasure talking to you.
34:34
Speaker 2: Thanks putting far on this quite personal topic.
34:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, I opened up quite a lot. And look at
34:42
Speaker 3: all that opening up that I've been doing.
34:45
Speaker 2: But speaking of I'm sure our viewers and listeners would
34:48
Speaker 2: also really enjoy watching your content.
34:50
Speaker 1: So can you tell everyone where they can find you?
34:53
Speaker 4: I am available on Instagram?
34:55
Speaker 3: Wow with that, even our persons it on Instagram. And
35:00
Speaker 3: it's my name. It's a not a very easy name
35:03
Speaker 3: to pronounce. It's Mirren Bla underscore imsong. I think it's
35:08
Speaker 3: my name. You look on my bio, says aspiring cult leaders.
35:13
Speaker 3: So don't go follow the wrong cult leader. Is long,
35:16
Speaker 3: I will say, but I'll be happy to see you
35:20
Speaker 3: guys on instagrat.
35:21
Speaker 1: She's also been in some amazing shows. You should look
35:23
Speaker 1: out for Miranla. Everything she does is really special.
35:27
Speaker 3: I am going to be one on one amazing show
35:29
Speaker 3: next year, so excited for you guys to watch it.
35:32
Speaker 2: Thanks so much for tuning into Love Matters. I hope
35:34
Speaker 2: that you enjoyed today's episode. Love Matters is produced by
35:38
Speaker 2: Indian Express and DW, Germany's international broadcaster.
35:42
Speaker 1: If you have a.
35:42
Speaker 3: Question, topic, suggestion, or.
35:44
Speaker 2: Any feedback you'd like to send in, you can reach
35:46
Speaker 2: us at Lovematters at DW dot com.
35:50
Speaker 3: Please do share this, leave us a review
35:52
Speaker 2: A comment, and until next time, this is me, Lisa Mangelas,
35:56
Speaker 2: and I believe love matters