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The Clouds Ye So Much Dread Are Big with Mercy: William Cowper | John Piper · Reformed Thinking

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Welcome to the Deep Dive. We're here again digging into
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sources, research, and our own notes to pull out what matters
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for you. Yeah, getting right into it.
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Today we're looking at a life that's, well, a real paradox.
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It shows how someone can go through immense internal pain,
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real anguish, and yet create some of the most loved, most
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sung spiritual songs in Christianity.
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We're talking about William Cowper, 18th century English
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poet, hymnist, a man whose life just doesn't fit neatly into any
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box. Absolutely.
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And our goal here, really in this deep dive, is to try and
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unpack that. How can someone experience such
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severe, lifelong psychological distress, I mean, really deep
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struggles, and yet have genuine faith, and not just faith, but
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this incredible poetic gift alongside it?
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Yeah. What can we learn from His, His
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path, especially for us today, dealing with our own stuff or
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trying to understand how faith and mental well-being connect or
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sometimes maybe don't seem to connect easily?
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Right. So we're drawing on his personal
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memoirs, which are quite revealing, and also John Piper's
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thoughts on him, plus other historical accounts to, you
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know, piece together the story. It's a story that honestly, I
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find really gripping. You think about the sheer beauty
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of his hymns, songs millions have leaned on for centuries,
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finding truth and comfort. And then you put that next to
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the intense, just overwhelming despair he often felt.
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It's kind of staggering. It really is.
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Our sources mentioned how poetry became this really crucial thing
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for him. He actually said he lived with
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an almost constant awareness of the breach between the low
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intensity of my own passion and the staggering realities of the
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universe around me. That's quite a statement.
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It is. And that makes you wonder, what
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was it about poetry specifically?
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Why was that the tool? It clearly wasn't just a pastime
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for him. No, it seems like it was his way
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to try and bridge that gap inside him.
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You know, to grab a hold of something huge and maybe
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terrifying and give it some kind of shape.
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Yeah, that's a good way to put it.
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It wasn't just art for art's sake.
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It feels more like a desperate attempt sometimes to find
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language for things that are almost impossible to express.
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Like deep grief were those moments of spiritual insight.
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Exactly how do you talk about those things when ordinary words
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just, well, they fail you? Poetry, though, with its rhythm,
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its images, its way of using metaphor, it let him get closer
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to those big realities. So it was a way to take the
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chaos both inside and out, and give it a voice, maybe even a
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temporary sense of order. I think so.
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A structure, a voice, a way to process it perhaps?
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OK, so to really get this paradox, the hopeful hymns from
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the man wrestling with darkness, we need to go back.
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Back to the beginning, to the roots as his anguish.
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Yeah, his childhood, it was steeped in loss and trauma,
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really setting the stage for what came later.
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He was born 1731 in Great Berkhamsted, England.
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His family was well off, but as you said, not evangelical like
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he'd become. Right.
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And even before William arrived, that home was marked by grief.
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His parents had already lost three children just before he
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was born between 1728 and 1731. And then after he was born,
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between 1731 and 1736, two more siblings died.
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So you have this picture of a household just filled with
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sustained heartache, as one source calls it, a constant
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presence of death from the very start.
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That's a heavy atmosphere for anyone, let alone a child.
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Absolutely. And that was just the backdrop
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for what became a really central trauma in 1736.
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William was only 6. His mother, Anne, died just days
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after giving birth to his brother John.
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Six years old, that's devastating.
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It wasn't just sad, it was catastrophic for him.
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It created this huge deep wound of pain and trauma and we know
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it never really healed because he wrote about it 53 years
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later. That's the poem about his
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mother's picture. Exactly on the receipt of my
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mother's picture out of Norfolk. And in it he remembers that
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childhood grief so clearly he calls himself dupe of tomorrow.
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Even from a child, always expecting her to come back,
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always having that hope crushed. Imagine carrying that feeling
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your whole life, always waiting for something that's never going
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to happen. It shapes you definitely.
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So a childhood already deeply scarred by loss, and then what
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happens immediately after his mother dies just makes it worse,
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really. It does.
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His father sent him away straight away to Pittman's
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boarding school, a decision Carper himself later called a
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tragic mistake. In school wasn't a refuge, was
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it? It was more trauma.
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Oh yes, emotional pain piled on with physical and psychological
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cruelty. He was terribly persecuted by an
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older boy there. His own words about it are
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chilling. They are saying he was so
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scared, he was afraid to lift up my eyes upon him higher than his
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knees, and that I knew him by a shoe.
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Shoe buckles. Just awful, and looking back,
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people reading that often see hints of potential sexual abuse,
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right, given how trauma like that gets remembered and
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described. Yes, that interpretation is
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certainly there in the sources. This horrible experience at
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school, coming right after losing his mother, and then what
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the sources call the virtual loss of his father.
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Not physical absence necessarily, but emotional
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distance. That detachment, exactly.
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These things are seen as foundational pieces of his
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lifelong gloom. Some analysis even suggest these
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early wounds affected his relationships with women later
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on, like Lady Austin. And his poetry speaks to that
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paternal void too, doesn't it? That poem teres name.
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It does. It's described as a loud cry for
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his father to have been there for him, a really powerful pre
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for fathers to be involved, to be attentive, especially in
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their children's education. He's basically saying I didn't
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have that and look what happened.
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And it's telling, isn't it, that he never wrote a single line
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praising his father, just of silence?
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Total silence, as the sources put it, Like that whole
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relationship was just too painful or too empty to even
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touch poetically. And the father's influence, or
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lack of it, gets even more disturbing.
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There's that incident when Calper was 11.
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Oh yeah, that's deeply unsettling.
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His father asks him to read A Vindication of Self Murder,
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basically an essay arguing for suicide, and then asks young
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William for his opinion. An 11 year old.
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Right. And Calper, even as a kid,
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argues against it. But his father just stays
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silent. No guidance, no correction,
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nothing. Which led Calper to think his
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own father agreed with the author.
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That's what Calper believed, yes.
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That his father sided with the author against me.
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Think about that. Exposing a child to that idea
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and then offering no clear moral compass, it almost certainly fed
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into his later struggles with suicidal thoughts.
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It's like it normalized the very idea that should have been
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strongly refuted. So you see this pattern forming,
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loss, trauma, lack of stable support.
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It's laying a really shaky foundation.
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Definitely. And it leads, predictably
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perhaps, to his first major collapse in 1752, when he was
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21. He hits what's called his first
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paralyzing depression. His description is raw day and
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night. I was upon the rack, lying down
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in horror and rising up in despair.
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This role isn't it. He completely lost interest in
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his studies. The classics which he pursued
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offered nothing. This was the start of the
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pattern that would basically define his life.
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The struggle with despair really became his life's theme.
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As Piper puts it, yeah, this wasn't just sadness.
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It was the beginning of something chronic, something
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deep seated. But even then, right in that
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first dark episode, something flickered.
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He found George Herbert's poems. Yes, described as uncouth and
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gothic. Maybe meaning old fashioned or
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spiritually intense compared to the Enlightenment rationality of
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the day. Could be.
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But they spoke to his soul. Herbert was a 17th century
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Anglican priest and his poetry has this raw spiritual honesty.
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And one poem in particular, the Pulley, gave Calper a new way to
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think about his suffering. Explain that one.
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Well, Herbert suggests, God gives humanity all gifts except
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rest. And the reason?
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Not cruelty, but so that our very restlessness, our
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weariness, might toss us to his breast.
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So even the lack of peace could have a divine purpose to draw us
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closer to God. That's the idea for Calper.
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This wasn't just nice poetry. It was a theological insight, a
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way to frame his struggle, maybe find a sliver of hope or meaning
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in it, suggesting God was still working even in the pain.
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And during these early adult years, there was also
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heartbreak, wasn't there? The lost love.
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Yes, another layer of pain. Between about 1749 and 1756, he
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fell in love with his cousin Theodora.
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They even got engaged. But her father stopped it.
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He did. The official reason was
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consanguinity. They were related by blood, a
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bigger deal back then. But sources strongly suggest the
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father was also worried about CalPERS mental state, which was
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already becoming apparent. So they were forbidden to marry.
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Yes, and heartbreakingly, they never saw each other again after
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that. It left this abiding pain for
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Cowper. But Theodora, she never forgot.
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Him. No, she outlived him, never
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married herself, and anonymously sent him money throughout his
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life to help support him. A hidden lifelong devotion.
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Wow. And he wrote poems to her. 19 of
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them addressed to Delia a kind of monument to that lost love,
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still feeling the pain years later.
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So all these early wounds, the losses, the trauma, the thwarted
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love, they're all accumulating, It feels like something has to
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break eventually. And it does, big time in 1763.
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That year becomes a major turning point.
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Deep breakdown, but also, incredibly, the place of his
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conversion. What triggered the breakdown?
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It was the prospect of a public examination for a job.
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Clerk of Journals and Parliament.
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The thought of that public scrutiny just sent him into a
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total mental breakdown. He described it like facing
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execution. Exactly those of a man when he
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arrives at the place of execution.
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The sheer terror pushed him over the edge into utter desperation.
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And that led to the suicide attempts.
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Yes, 3 distinct attempts. Laudanum first, then trying to
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drown himself, then trying to hang himself.
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Wait one, fail. Providentially thwarted, is how
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the sources put it. But afterwards he was crushed by
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this horrible conviction of sin. He felt as guilty as if he had
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succeeded, terrified of God's judgement.
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Everything seemed to condemn. Him, everything, reading,
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thinking. Even sleep brought nightmares.
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He said he'd wake up reeling like a drunken man, just
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overwhelmed by guilt and fear. It sounds absolutely terrifying,
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which led to him being committed.
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Yes. In December 1763 he was taken to
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Saint Albans Insane Asylum and there he met Doctor Nathaniel
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Cotton. And Cotton wasn't just any
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doctor. No, the sources make a point of
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saying he was an evangelical believer and a lover of God in
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the gospel. This is key.
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He didn't just treat Cowper clinically.
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He genuinely cared for him, loved him.
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And he kept offering hope, even when Cowper insisted he was
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damned. Repeatedly held out hope to him.
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Repeatedly, that compassionate faith informed care created the
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space for what happened next. Which was?
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Six months into his stay, he's in the garden, finds a Bible
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left on a bench, just happens upon it.
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He opens it almost randomly, it seems, to John 11, the story of
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Lazarus being raised from the dead.
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Story of resurrection. Exactly.
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And as he reads it, he sees something powerful in Jesus's
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actions. So much benevolence, mercy,
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goodness and sympathy with miserable men, he said.
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He almost shed tears A. Crack in the despair.
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A softening, yes. He even wished he hadn't
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rejected so good a Redeemer. It wasn't conversion yet, but
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his heart was being prepared. The ice was starting to thaw,
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you could say. Then came the actual moment he
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felt led to the Bible again. Yes, and the first verse he saw
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was Romans 3.25, the King James Version, whom God have set forth
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to be a propitiation through faith in His blood to declare
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His righteousness for the remission of sins that are
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passed through the forbearance of God.
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Propitiation. That's a big theological word.
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Huge. For Cowper, it means an atoning
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sacrifice that satisfies God's wrath against sin for something
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drowning in guilt and fear of judgment.
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That word was everything. It meant Christ took the
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punishment. Precisely.
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Christ's blood satisfied God's justice.
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His sins were forgiven. He was declared righteous
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instantly, Cowper said. He received the strength to
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believe it. He described it as light
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breaking through. The full beings of the Sun of
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Righteousness shining upon me. He saw the sufficiency of the
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atonement, His pardon sealed in His blood, the fullness and
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completeness of His justification.
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He wasn't just an idea, it was real rescue for him.
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Absolutely, he said. He believed and received the
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gospel right then and there, overwhelmed with gratitude, joy.
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So he would have physically died without God holding him up.
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And those earlier conversations with his cousin Martin Mcdan,
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the pastor. They came flooding back.
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The things Medan had told him about original sin and Christ's
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all atoning blood suddenly made perfect sense, revived in all
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its clearness. It was a sudden, bright, saving
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encounter with God's grace through the cross.
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It's such a dramatic turn around and it shows how real it was
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because he actually stayed at Saint Albans for another year
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after this. Yeah, 12 more months.
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He'd grown to love the place, and Doctor Cotton found
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stability, spiritual growth there.
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It shows the healing that started in that asylum.
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So after St. Albans, where did he find
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support? He needed ongoing care,
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presumably. He did, and he found it with the
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Unwin family. He left the asylum in June 1765
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and moved in with them in Huntington.
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And Mary Unwin became very important to him.
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Immensely. She was eight years older,
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became like a mother figure, cared for him through all his
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later mental health struggles. For nearly 30 years, he lived in
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her home until she died. She was this constant, loving
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presence. Provided a stable home he hadn't
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really had. Yes, a place of acceptance and
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relative peace. Then in 1767, Mary's husband
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died and that led them to seek out ministry from someone who
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became maybe the most crucial relationship in CalPERS life.
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John Newton. John Newton, pastor at Olney
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from 1764 to 1780. Our sources call him the most
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important relationship in Calipers life.
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And Caliper himself said a sincere or more affectionate
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friend no man ever had. That's high praise from him.
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Newton, the writer of Amazing Grace, right?
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He had quite a back story himself.
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Oh, absolutely. Former slave ship captain, known
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as the Old African Blasphemer, had a dramatic conversion.
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He embraced Whitefield's Calvinistic theology, God's
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sovereignty, predestination, grace.
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And that theology shaped CalPERS faith, too.
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Very much so. Gave Calper, that warm
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evangelical brand of Calvinism, a framework of God's ultimate
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control, which could be comforting, but maybe also, for
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someone like Calper, sometimes frightening when he doubted his
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own standing. It's interesting Newton also
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lost his mother at age 6. Like calper it.
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Is but the key difference. The source is point out is
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Newton didn't lose his father in the same way he traveled with
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his father on ships, had that paternal presence, that solid
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rock which Cupper lacked a potentially huge difference in
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their development. Newton seems like he was a
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really grounded pastor. Described as one of the
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healthiest, happiest pastors of the time, Loved by his people,
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had this great attitude. Every knock on his door was a
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message from God wanted to just tip the balance even slightly
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from misery towards happiness. And he saw Calper's tendencies,
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the melancholy, the reclusiveness.
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He did, and he didn't just let Calper withdraw, he actively
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drew him into ministry, visiting the sick, the poor, trying to
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get him focused outward, you know, gently breaking that cycle
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of inward looking despair. A very wise approach.
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And that led to their big collaboration, The only hymns.
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Right Newton's idea, believing it would be good for Calper.
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Exactly good for his poetic bent to be engaged.
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Give him something productive, purposeful to do.
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It resulted in the Hymn Book published in 1779.
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Which is just full of classics. Absolutely.
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About 200 hymns by Newton, 68 by Calper.
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Calper gave us God moves in a mysterious way.
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There's a fountain filled with blood.
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Newton gave us how sweet the name of Jesus sounds.
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Glorious things of the year spoken.
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Just an incredible legacy from that partnership.
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It really was more than just writing, it was pastoral care
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through shared work, bringing beauty out of suffering.
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And Newton's support didn't waver, did it?
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Even when Cowper had severe relapses.
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No, he was steadfast. Like in 1773, when Cowper had
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that fatal dream and plunged back into despair.
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Newton canceled his own vacation to stay with him.
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He really lived out that principle.
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Do not despair of the despairing.
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That's real friendship, real pastoral care.
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It is. And even when Newton moved to
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London in 1780, he didn't disappear.
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They kept up this intense correspondence for 20 years.
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Cowper poured out his soul to Newton like no one else.
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And Newton's visit still helps. Yes, brought comforts, helped
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Cowper feel affection, A vital link to the outside, to someone
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who understood both his faith and his pain.
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Let's shift focus a bit now, back to the poetry itself.
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We touched on it, but what exactly was its role for Cowper?
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More than just hims. Right.
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Oh much more. It was solace, purpose, even a
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way he felt he connected with God, or at least processed those
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staggering realities we talked about.
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That feeling of the gap between his own small feelings and the
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huge universe. Yeah, that breach poetry was his
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attempt to close this breach. Like when he wrote about his
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mother's picture. It wasn't just remembering.
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It brought deep relief. A pleasant, painful
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satisfaction. It helped him capture and
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release the feeling. Makes sense of it.
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Exactly to better grasp what his mind knew and his heart felt.
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And it's interesting the sources remind us how much of the Bible
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itself is poetry. Over 300 pages, suggesting God
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himself uses poetry to bridge that gap between our often dull
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hearts and his vibrant reality. So poetry had this power for him
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from early on, like finding Herbert's poems during that
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first depression. Yes, back in 1752, they gave him
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help and light Herbert's the pulley again, offering that
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theological angle. Maybe God withholds rest
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sometimes, not to punish, but to draw us closer, to toss us to
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his breast. That gave him a threat of hope,
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a way to understand his restlessness.
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And Newton specifically encouraged this poetic gift,
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didn't he? With the only hymns.
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Strategically, yes, to combat the melancholy, the withdrawal.
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It gave Cowper productive activity, a sense of purpose,
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channeling that creative energy outwards instead of letting it
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turn inwards destructively. Just crafting those hymns must
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have been grounding for him. What's amazing is he held on to
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the core truths, the evangelical beliefs, even in his darkest
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times. He did.
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He poured himself into big projects like the task, that
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long meditative poem, and he said he wrote it to teach truths
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divine and clear, which couched in prose they would not hear.
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So he saw poetry as a way to get spiritual truth past people's
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defenses. That seems to be the idea, and
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it worked. His poetry helped spread the
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ideas of the evangelical awakening among the educated
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classes. He effectively became the
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Movements Poet Laureate, using his gift, even through
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suffering, for the Gospel. Even his very last poem, The
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Castaway, written when he was apparently untold to spare.
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There's something there, isn't there?
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There is the sheer act of writing a beautiful, structured
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poem suggests his spirit wasn't totally deadened.
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There was still an alertness to spiritual reality and poetic
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form, a delight in beauty, even if faint.
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And that line Misery still delights to trace its semblance
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in another's case, like he's actively processing, finding
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connection even in isolation. Well, yes, and interestingly,
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he'd use the title to castaway before in an only him.
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Oh, what did it mean there? In the Him being a castaway or
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facing trials was seen as evidence of being a true child
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of God undergoing refinement, not necessarily ultimate
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rejection. So maybe the final poem isn't
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just utter hopelessness. Could there be a deeper layer
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connecting his suffering to the trials of God's people?
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It's possible it leaves room for a more nuanced reading,
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suggesting that even in the depth, the theological truths he
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knew might still be subtly present in his art.
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OK so pulling this all together, what are the takeaways for us,
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for you listening, thinking about faith, mental well-being?
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How does Coppers story speak to us?
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His life was just this long accumulation of pain wasn't it?
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Breakdown after breakdown. Yes, like that fatal dream in
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1773 where he became convinced he was lost, damned.
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And he lived almost 30 more years after that, dying in 1800,
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apparently in despair. Those last words, what can it
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signify? Just heartbreaking.
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Yet, and this is the paradox again, even while believing he
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was lost, an exception to God's preserving grace, he never
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denied his conversion experience itself, did he?
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No, never. That's crucial.
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He questioned his current standing, his feelings, his
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fate, but not the reality of that moment when he met Christ
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in the asylum. And his poetry sometimes
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contradicted his despair, like this stricken deer path it in
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the task. Exactly.
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Written in the same later period.
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Yet it talks about Christ healing him.
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It suggests moments where he did feel and affirm that healing,
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even if those feelings didn't last or went out over all.
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And the castaway shows that active mind, that sense of form.
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It wasn't complete emptiness. His feeling was damnation.
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That feeling didn't erase the past reality or his capacity for
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beauty. So how do we navigate this such
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contradiction, such suffering? Alongside faith in art, John
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Piper draws out some key lessons from CalPERS life for us.
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What's the first one? 1st Distrust the certainties of
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despair. Piper points to CalPERS
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inconsistencies, believing he's lost yet writing about being
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healed. It shows that our feelings,
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especially in deep despair, aren't always accurate
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reflections of reality or God's truth.
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We need to cultivate a healthy skepticism towards those
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overwhelming negative certainties.
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That's helpful. How often do we assume our worst
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feelings are the truest thing about us or our situation?
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Exactly. Second lesson hits close to home
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for parents or mentors. Love your children dearly and be
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present. Cowpers.
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Early life, mother's death, Awful, boring school.
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Detached Father underscores how vital loving parental presence
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is for healthy development. Contrasted with Newton, who lost
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his mother but had his father. Yes, Newton had that solid rock
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his father provided. Even with the hardships of sea
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life, Cowper lacked that anchor. It's a stark reminder of the
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impact we have on young lives. 3rd lesson is about how we treat
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others who are struggling. Despair not of the despairing.
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This is about the power of steadfast friendship, like
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Newton's. For Cowper, Newton stayed
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present, offered comfort, brought a ray of hope even when
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Cowper seemed unreachable. It teaches us the immense value
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of just sticking with people, refusing to give up on them even
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when they've given up on themselves.
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That consistent, compassionate presence is a form of grace.
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It's easy to get worn out by someone elses despair, but
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Newtons example is powerful. What's next?
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4th is what Piper calls the healthy gift of self
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forgetfulness. He suggests that too much
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introspection, which Cowper certainly experienced, can be
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destructive. It cuts us off from experiencing
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good things outside ourselves. So mental well-being involves
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focusing outwards. Yes, using the mind to focus on
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worthy reality outside ourselves.
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Even simple things, Looking at a tree, a flower, a person, and
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just being glad they exist. Consciously shifting focus away
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from the internal turmoil, Newton tried to help Cowper with
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this through ministry and poetry.
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OK #5 is a bit more speculate. A cautious observation, yes,
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Piper wonders if Cowper somewhat sheltered life, his rural ease
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and leisure, his distance from the world of need, might have
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actually hindered his mental health.
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Not saying it would have cured him, but.
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But posing the question could engaging more directly with the
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needs and difficulties of others.
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The path of love, no matter how dirty or dangerous, have offered
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a path towards greater wholeness.
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It's a thought provoking idea about how serving others can
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sometimes pull us out of ourselves.
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Interesting, what's the 6th lesson?
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This one sounds paradoxical, the hope giving fruit of feeling
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hopelessness, meaning sharing stories of deep suffering.
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Even ones like Cowpers, without a neat happy ending in this life
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can actually bring hope to others feeling similarly lost.
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I hope so. Because people read CalPERS
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honest struggles and feel understood.
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His bleak life was felt by many as hope giving because it
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validated their own pain. It's like like David's raw cries
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in the Psalms, they comfort others in the pit.
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It shows God's patience, His presence, even an unresolved
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suffering. And the final lesson, perhaps
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the most important for ministry or for anyone supporting someone
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in despair. Yes, never cease to sing the
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Gospel to the deaf. Keep rehearsing the mercies of
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Jesus. Keep pointing people back to the
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cross, to the blood of Christ. Remember, CalPERS conversion
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came from seeing Christ's mercy and understanding the
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sufficiency of the atonement. Even if they say they can't hear
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it or believe it applies to them.
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Especially then, keep proclaiming Christ's sacrifice,
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His love. Help them, as Piper says, to
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doubt your despairing thoughts. Remind them their final state
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isn't theirs to know for sure. Their job is simply to listen to
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Jesus. Our job is to keep speaking His
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truth persistently and patiently.
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It brings us back to that central paradox, doesn't it?
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Calper. A man so often overwhelmed by
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despair, yet his words, those hymns, like there's a fountain
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filled with blood, they just keep pouring out truth and
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strength for people, century after century.
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They do. His life really shows that faith
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isn't about feeling good all the time or being free from
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suffering here and now. It's about having an anchor even
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when the storm is raging inside. His story teaches us so much
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about trauma's long shadow, about the lifeline of community
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and friendship, and about the sheer stubborn power of the
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gospel message to shine even in the darkest places.
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So as you've listened today, think about it.
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What part of CalPERS struggle, or maybe his sources of comfort
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connects with you? Does it change how you see
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mental health struggles in yourself or others, especially
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within a faith context? Maybe consider how the ongoing
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witness of someone like William Calper, flaws and all, can still
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offer guidance, still offer hope even when things feel incredibly
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dark.