Latest / The Keri Croft Show / Counterfeit Relationships and Becoming Your Own Best Friend with Achea Redd

Transcript

Counterfeit Relationships and Becoming Your Own Best Friend with Achea Redd · The Keri Croft Show

0:00
SPEAKER_01: Avena Women's Care is a collective of 40 plus providers that have been serving Central Ohio communities with comprehensive women's health care for decades.
0:08
SPEAKER_01: They meet women where they are in every phase of life.
0:11
SPEAKER_01: From fertility services to menopause care, annual checkups to 3D mammography, Avena provides robust services for all.
0:20
SPEAKER_01: So for the highest level of individualized women's health care, there's one name to remember: Avena Women's Care.
0:27
SPEAKER_01: Go to www.avenawomen's care.com to request an appointment.
0:32
SPEAKER_01: Be sure to tell them Carrie sent you.
0:34
SPEAKER_01: Hey Ohio, thinking about smoother, brighter skin?
0:38
SPEAKER_01: Well, fall is the perfect time for laser treatments.
0:41
SPEAKER_01: With less sun and cooler weather, your skin heals beautifully, and you'll be glowing just in time for the holidays, honey.
0:49
SPEAKER_01: And here's the best part.
0:50
SPEAKER_01: If you're a first-time client, mention the Carrie Croft Show for$100 off your first purchase.
0:56
SPEAKER_01: Call today and book your fall laser treatment with the experts at Donaldson.
1:01
SPEAKER_01: Hey there, you beautiful badass.
1:03
SPEAKER_01: Badass.
1:06
SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Carrie Croft Show.
1:11
SPEAKER_01: Akia Red, welcome to the Carrie Croft Show.
1:13
SPEAKER_01: You are a vibe, man.
1:14
SPEAKER_01: You are too.
1:15
SPEAKER_01: And you know what I do?
1:16
SPEAKER_01: So we all do our research if you are a like, you know, host 101.
1:20
SPEAKER_01: So I'm not acting like I do something special.
1:22
SPEAKER_01: But what I do like to do, one of my pre-show rituals, is I I like to prepare, but I don't like to over-prepare.
1:28
SPEAKER_01: Because I think when you over-prepare, it also like I don't I want things to be organic and authentic.
1:34
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
1:34
SPEAKER_01: Right.
1:35
SPEAKER_01: And I don't want to do too much where you like get in your, it's like, listen, I'm gonna do so much.
1:39
SPEAKER_01: Then right before the person comes in, I'm gonna listen to them on another show.
1:43
SPEAKER_01: So I was listening to you in your hubs.
1:46
SPEAKER_01: And that's when I really like I took it to the next level.
1:49
SPEAKER_01: We're gonna be friends.
1:50
SPEAKER_01: Like that's it.
1:50
SPEAKER_02: Oh no, we're friends.
1:51
SPEAKER_01: And I don't say that about a lot of people.
1:53
SPEAKER_01: Girl, me.
1:54
SPEAKER_01: Here's what I love.
1:55
SPEAKER_01: I love so many things that you said.
1:56
SPEAKER_01: But I want to start out of the gate with something we have so in common around being your own best friend.
2:03
SPEAKER_01: And you didn't say it that way.
2:04
SPEAKER_01: You said like having a proper relationship with yourself is the most important thing you could ever do.
2:12
SPEAKER_01: And so I have like the way that I usually say it is like, be your own best friend, right?
2:18
SPEAKER_01: I can get away from everybody else in the world.
2:21
SPEAKER_01: Facts.
2:22
SPEAKER_01: I'm not feeling you bye.
2:24
SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
2:24
SPEAKER_01: You can't get away from this.
2:26
SPEAKER_02: 100%.
2:27
SPEAKER_02: So you gotta get right with it.
2:28
SPEAKER_02: I think for me, like, I don't think I even realized that until I was probably in the house when everybody else was in the house during COVID.
2:39
SPEAKER_02: And right before all that shit hit the fan, I was like on this really high, fast trajectory of like speaking, you know, I'm talking about mental health everywhere, and people are really wanting to hear my story and what I had to say.
2:53
SPEAKER_02: But then COVID happened, so everything got canceled.
2:56
SPEAKER_02: And I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I'm like addicted to like validation from everybody.
3:02
SPEAKER_02: Like I'm an addict, I was, you know, of that.
3:04
SPEAKER_02: I'm a recovering addict of validation from people, right?
3:08
SPEAKER_02: And so when I was in the mirror looking at myself and I didn't like the reflection, didn't mean I was a bad person.
3:15
SPEAKER_02: It didn't mean that what other people said wasn't true.
3:18
SPEAKER_02: It was just I didn't believe it.
3:19
SPEAKER_02: And I needed to constantly hear from other people in order to like live, which was not great.
3:26
SPEAKER_02: So it sent me into this spiral.
3:29
SPEAKER_02: And yeah, so that's where I came to that.
3:32
SPEAKER_02: Is like I actually like really have to have a relationship with myself first before I can have a relationship that's successful with anybody.
3:41
SPEAKER_01: 100%.
3:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
3:43
SPEAKER_01: And speaking of relationships, another thing you said where I was like, boing, love this woman, and the way you said it is counterfeit relationships.
3:51
SPEAKER_01: Girl.
3:51
SPEAKER_01: Freaking me out, you wore a mask or counterfeit.
3:54
SPEAKER_01: Freaking me out, you wore a mask.
3:56
SPEAKER_00: I love you.
3:56
SPEAKER_01: It's but it's the older you get, the more you realize.
4:00
SPEAKER_01: And when you know, people would say in your younger, like, if you have one good friend at the end of your life, you're like, what the fuck's wrong with you, one good friend?
4:07
SPEAKER_01: Now I'm like, if you have a handful of people in your corner who truly, truly, I don't mean when you're down and they're gonna, you know, rescue you, or when they're low-key shading, or when they're not, you know, I mean truly are with you during the hard, but really cheer you on through the high.
4:23
SPEAKER_01: When you're winning.
4:24
SPEAKER_02: It is like Yeah, it's a whole lot easier to find people that are gonna be there with you, like when you're down.
4:29
SPEAKER_02: Misery loves company, right?
4:31
SPEAKER_02: But then you start showing a little strength, then you start showing a little crickets and you don't need them in the same capacity.
4:37
SPEAKER_02: What I have found is it's very difficult for those people that are in your life to adjust to you not needing them in the same capacity.
4:45
SPEAKER_02: And so they start like backing away, they start acting real shady and funny.
4:51
SPEAKER_02: And so that's when you just learn, like, yo, like, I this is not it.
4:56
SPEAKER_02: This is not a vibe.
4:57
SPEAKER_02: Right.
4:57
SPEAKER_02: But how do you?
4:58
SPEAKER_01: So I'm so fascinated with the idea of being married to this elite athlete, right?
5:05
SPEAKER_01: So, like optically, yeah, you know, every it's like the the glamour, the allure, it's like, you know, being the the the spouse of a of Michael Red.
5:14
SPEAKER_01: Holy shit, like lights camera action.
5:17
SPEAKER_01: But you and I both know Michael Red at home after 20 years of being with him is not the same as the guy on the court.
5:24
SPEAKER_01: Like it's it's not it, it's every damn day, right?
5:27
SPEAKER_01: Right.
5:27
SPEAKER_01: But how do you and how have you navigated?
5:30
SPEAKER_01: Because there's a lot of fake ones out there, and there's a lot of people trying to get on your ankles because you're married to Michael.
5:36
SPEAKER_01: Like, how do you stay grounded in that?
5:39
SPEAKER_01: Because a normal everyday person walking the street has a hard time with like counterfeit relationships.
5:45
SPEAKER_01: Someone in your situation, you got it everywhere.
5:48
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I mean, it kind of like it does force you to be a little bit like more on guard.
5:53
SPEAKER_02: And I think, you know, initially that, you know, was really hard and contributed to like the mental health stuff that I struggled with, you know.
6:01
SPEAKER_02: But again, going back to what we just said earlier, is really honing into not perfecting, but really getting to that relationship with myself and like who does Akia Red say she is?
6:18
SPEAKER_02: So, like that helps me kind of weed out the counterfeits because bottom line, like, if your vibe is off, if you come out, come at me with some weird ass energy and I pick it up, and and it's also just I'm very intuitive by nature.
6:33
SPEAKER_02: So it's more felt than it is, like said.
6:37
SPEAKER_02: So seriously, like if I feel it, I may not ever let you know that I feel it, but you won't hear from me again.
6:45
SPEAKER_02: Uh-huh.
6:45
SPEAKER_02: And that's just how it is.
6:46
SPEAKER_02: And I just don't, I don't, I don't tolerate it.
6:49
SPEAKER_02: Like, I just literally, if I don't feel it, I'm not doing it.
6:54
SPEAKER_01: God, I'm I mean, I feel that so deeply.
6:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
6:56
SPEAKER_01: Like it really is a an unwritten, like it's a very much an energetic thing that goes on.
7:02
SPEAKER_01: That's like 100%.
7:04
SPEAKER_02: Just like that same energy that helps me navigate through discerning like which relationships are counterfeit.
7:15
SPEAKER_02: It also helps me discern, like when I'm connecting with other people, like how to connect with them.
7:24
SPEAKER_02: And so it makes the relationships that I have with other people and that I'm building with them actually have more depth because I'm able to feel what maybe isn't said.
7:38
SPEAKER_02: And so in that way, it kind of is like one of those situations where it's like, yes, and you know, it's, you know, when I was younger, it came across a lot as I am not a people person, I don't like people, you know, I'm standoffish or whatever.
7:56
SPEAKER_02: But what people didn't realize is that it was actually the opposite.
7:58
SPEAKER_02: Like I am very protective of my peace and of my energy.
8:03
SPEAKER_02: And it was more so like, hmm, I don't really know about that person yet.
8:07
SPEAKER_02: So I'm about to like just put a pen in it.
8:09
SPEAKER_02: I have more verbiage to articulate it now because I've evolved in what I'm doing in my life.
8:16
SPEAKER_02: But yeah, I mean, at the end of the day, I'm still the same IKEA that goes off of my intuition.
8:22
SPEAKER_01: So you've been very public about your relationship with your dad.
8:26
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
8:27
SPEAKER_01: Do you do you think that you always needing external validation?
8:30
SPEAKER_01: Did that start super young?
8:32
SPEAKER_01: 100%.
8:32
SPEAKER_01: And was it as a result, was it a result of your relationship with him, or how did that look?
8:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so I think um, you know, I just had a really fucked up family dynamic.
8:44
SPEAKER_02: It was awful.
8:45
SPEAKER_02: Like I hated, I hated what I went through as a kid, what I saw.
8:53
SPEAKER_02: And I am, you know, not to be like psycho babble queen here, right?
8:59
SPEAKER_02: But we've all seen it on the internet.
9:01
SPEAKER_02: Like I was the oldest child, so in many ways, the golden child, but also the parentified daughter.
9:08
SPEAKER_02: And basically, in layman's terms, like I was expected to be the parent to grown-ass adults.
9:15
SPEAKER_02: And so me not being centered, my knees not being centered, it was always like very much my mom and dad's needs being the center.
9:25
SPEAKER_02: So even if something was happening with me, it would always go back to how it impacts them, how it makes them feel, how hurt they are.
9:35
SPEAKER_02: And so I think what happens with people in general that experience that, but with me specifically, is I went through my whole life, like just trying to look for ways in which I could show up and be seen.
9:50
SPEAKER_02: So that looked like in real time over-explaining, trying to tell everybody, over-sharing my story with people who really don't give a care, like what I went through.
10:02
SPEAKER_02: Um, trauma dumping, like just all the things.
10:06
SPEAKER_02: And then also like when I finally got a platform, being super loud about it.
10:12
SPEAKER_02: And don't get me wrong, that served me well.
10:14
SPEAKER_02: It got me to where I am.
10:15
SPEAKER_02: I'm sitting here with you, right?
10:17
SPEAKER_02: But at the same time, I realized that the root of that came from the trauma that I grew up in and never being seen, never being emotionally tended to as a child.
10:29
SPEAKER_01: What was it like?
10:30
SPEAKER_01: Your dad was a pastor, and so that you like the eye roll right there.
10:34
SPEAKER_01: You know what they would when they say when you roll your eyes, that is contempt.
10:37
SPEAKER_01: That is like, don't be rolling your eyes.
10:39
SPEAKER_01: Like that's yeah, that's real.
10:40
SPEAKER_01: Like that real-time reaction from you is everything.
10:44
SPEAKER_01: Because when you're a pastor, it's like you're up there preaching the word and you're squeaky clean.
10:48
SPEAKER_01: And that, I mean, again, we're all human.
10:50
SPEAKER_01: That's also got to be like, but you gotta walk the walk, but then you're seeing maybe something where you're like, how did that all shape up in your brain?
10:59
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I mean, it didn't.
11:01
SPEAKER_02: It was very crazy making for me.
11:04
SPEAKER_02: And like, I think even now as an adult, but even then as a child, like what I thought of was, how is it that like you're saying all of these things and you have all of these like really high, ridiculous standards for me, but you are living something completely different than A, what you're preaching, and then B, what you're wanting me to be.
11:30
SPEAKER_02: It really caused a disruption, like in my relationship with like the church, with religion as a whole.
11:39
SPEAKER_02: Um, but I I mean, I think too, I rolled my eyes because as an adult and even as a kid, I never really cared if my parents like messed up.
11:52
SPEAKER_02: Where I have the problem is the lack of accountability and the lack of transparency in being able to own your mistakes.
12:03
SPEAKER_02: And that's one thing that, like, in my own parenting relationship, when I do something that is like beneath how I want to show up with my kids, I apologize.
12:14
SPEAKER_02: I name it and I make it right.
12:16
SPEAKER_02: Amen.
12:16
unknown: Period.
12:17
SPEAKER_01: Amen.
12:18
SPEAKER_01: We do that too.
12:18
SPEAKER_01: That's one thing that my husband's really big on.
12:20
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
12:21
SPEAKER_01: Is if he blows up or if he has a moment, because he and my son are both very much the same.
12:26
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
12:27
SPEAKER_01: We we go like we apologize.
12:29
SPEAKER_01: I think sometimes grown-ups feel like that isn't like a natural thing to go to like a seven-year-old and be like, hey man, like I really acted a fool there.
12:39
SPEAKER_01: Right.
12:40
SPEAKER_01: But I'm really sorry.
12:41
SPEAKER_01: But how do you expect someone to boom?
12:44
SPEAKER_01: It's like you have to, you have to actually be that.
12:47
SPEAKER_02: You have to model it because, you know, then you end up with children who don't know how to take accountability.
12:53
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
12:54
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I have I have a sibling like that who just doesn't know how to take accountability because they've never seen it modeled.
13:01
SPEAKER_02: Now, I have another sibling, so it's three of us in total, and he and I are very close, and we are more we have more of an ability, I should say, to like, you know, take accountability and recognize because that comes from like what we didn't receive and what we didn't get.
13:18
SPEAKER_02: So, you know, you have that one of those things where it's like you either turn out just like the union you came out of.
13:24
SPEAKER_02: You you become the chain or you break the chain.
13:26
SPEAKER_02: Oh, you break the chain, and I'm the chain breaker.
13:28
SPEAKER_02: Oh, you sure are.
13:29
SPEAKER_02: Hands down.
13:29
SPEAKER_02: You are the disruptor.
13:31
SPEAKER_02: But you're really close with your mom, right?
13:32
SPEAKER_01: Are you close with your mom?
13:35
SPEAKER_02: Ish.
13:36
SPEAKER_02: Not really.
13:37
SPEAKER_02: So, you know, here's the thing about that.
13:40
SPEAKER_02: I used to be more so, I think, out of a relationship to feel like I needed to be her protector because the relationship between her and my father were very was very abusive and volatile.
13:52
SPEAKER_02: And so because I I grew up seeing that abuse, like I always felt like my mother just never stood up for herself.
14:00
SPEAKER_02: She never stood up for me.
14:02
SPEAKER_02: So it was just always like that kind of role I took on is like being the protector again, which is like the parentified daughter.
14:10
SPEAKER_02: Now, the more work that I've done and the more therapy, you know, it's like what I've found out through my therapy is that your brain can only really deal with one parent at a time.
14:21
SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
14:22
SPEAKER_02: So like I've been in therapy now for like 10, 12 years.
14:26
SPEAKER_02: So it's like I spent a lot of time dealing with dad and then went in and like didn't realize like how like mom was very much a part of that dance that they did together.
14:38
SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
14:39
SPEAKER_02: And um, how badly that impacted me.
14:42
SPEAKER_02: So it really has, the more I've healed, it really has like opened my eyes.
14:46
SPEAKER_02: And so, no, I mean, at this particular point in time, like I'm not really talking to anybody in my family, with the exception of the brother that lives in LA.
14:55
SPEAKER_02: Um, it's a personal choice that I've made for myself because it's an act of me learning how to love myself better.
15:03
SPEAKER_01: And you know, it's funny, it's um it doesn't even seem wild to me.
15:07
SPEAKER_01: Like I've had my own family dynamics through the years and I've had my own bouts of therapy and having to create boundaries.
15:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
15:13
SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm a fierce protector of that.
15:15
SPEAKER_01: And I've actually helped a lot of my friends through it because when you have a title like mom, dad, brother, sister, they are just these, you know, it's like it's the way it's supposed to be.
15:29
SPEAKER_01: You're all supposed to be like this, super close and intertwined.
15:32
SPEAKER_01: And that's great.
15:33
SPEAKER_01: I love the ideal idea of that.
15:36
SPEAKER_01: Of course, but it don't always work that way.
15:38
SPEAKER_01: Nope.
15:39
SPEAKER_01: And so I have a little exercise that I do.
15:41
SPEAKER_01: It's an external audit for my people in the B Lab.
15:43
SPEAKER_01: It's a the business I'm building.
15:45
SPEAKER_01: And it's a very powerful exercise.
15:48
SPEAKER_00: Love that.
15:48
SPEAKER_01: And when you do it though, and you take the name off, take dad off, take mom off, and you put the three things they make you feel underneath their name.
15:56
SPEAKER_01: Ooh, girl.
15:57
SPEAKER_01: And then you look at those three things and you have to say it's either positive, neutral, or negative.
16:02
SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
16:02
SPEAKER_01: And you go all the way around your circle, right?
16:05
SPEAKER_01: And you you cross it, cross off the title, add in the feelings, add up the positive to negative.
16:10
SPEAKER_01: When you see that, you can't unsee it.
16:13
SPEAKER_01: Facts.
16:14
SPEAKER_01: And I will tell you, my boundaries and my peace have become and have been.
16:19
SPEAKER_01: I've made some tough choices because I will choose that every time.
16:23
SPEAKER_01: Every time.
16:24
SPEAKER_01: Especially when you have kids.
16:26
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
16:27
SPEAKER_02: And so what I love about the dynamic now is that our son is 18, our oldest, he's 18, just graduated.
16:36
SPEAKER_02: And then we have our daughter who's 14, way back when they were young.
16:40
SPEAKER_02: And Michael was playing.
16:41
SPEAKER_02: Um, and I would, you know, have to travel a lot.
16:43
SPEAKER_02: And I was kind of living in between in between two places.
16:46
SPEAKER_02: Um, my mother was um kind of hired on as a nanny once we left Milwaukee and we were like living here full time.
16:56
SPEAKER_02: And that was great.
16:57
SPEAKER_02: Um, I did that to help her out.
16:59
SPEAKER_02: She was going through a divorce from my dad.
17:01
SPEAKER_02: And I also did that because like I wanted my kids to be.
17:03
SPEAKER_02: That was the part of the reason why we chose Columbus as a home, is because we wanted to have, you know, family like support.
17:11
SPEAKER_02: Again, at that time, I was not awakened to that, you know, unhealthy kind of dynamic, or maybe I saw it, but I just didn't want to see it.
17:20
SPEAKER_02: So I ignored it and pushed it to the side.
17:22
SPEAKER_02: Because when I think back now, there were even moments back in that moment that time where it was just like, ooh, you know, I don't like this.
17:29
SPEAKER_02: This is, you know what I mean?
17:30
SPEAKER_02: But I felt obligated still.
17:32
SPEAKER_02: I wasn't, that part of me wasn't healed yet because that little girl still wanted a mommy and didn't realize that I was the mommy and I had to reparent myself.
17:40
SPEAKER_02: So now sitting here talking to you about it, it's like I can sit here with no tears because it's the the decision that I made to distance myself and kind of just go full-fledged no contact for a while is one that I needed to make for love for myself.
18:01
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
18:01
SPEAKER_02: You know, my kids, they can maintain whatever level of relationship they would like to maintain with my mother.
18:09
SPEAKER_02: My father and my kids do not talk because I did keep the kids from him, um, because I deemed him to be unfit and unsafe to be around my children because of his like just emotional kind of stuff.
18:23
SPEAKER_02: Moms know.
18:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I yeah.
18:25
SPEAKER_02: I mean, it just he wasn't safe for me, so I'm definitely not for damn sure gonna let you around my kids.
18:30
SPEAKER_02: So when it comes to my kids and my mom, they they are entitled to do whatever they want to do with that.
18:36
SPEAKER_02: Um now, the caveat is my 14-year-old, she's my little girl.
18:42
SPEAKER_02: My mom tends to dump on girls a little bit more.
18:46
SPEAKER_02: Hello.
18:47
SPEAKER_02: I'm the culprit of that and receiver of that.
18:51
SPEAKER_02: So if at any point, you know, it it gets to that, I mean, I'm gonna have to step in.
18:56
SPEAKER_02: You know, I will not have a smear campaign ran about me to my children.
19:01
SPEAKER_01: No.
19:02
SPEAKER_01: Right now, with with your mom, was it like a one, did you like have to just say to her at a you're like, hey, listen, I need to like not talk.
19:09
SPEAKER_01: How did you set the boundary?
19:10
SPEAKER_01: Because I know a lot of people listening, that might be so far beyond their wildest dreams, but like maybe some people are like, damn, like I wish I knew how to kind of do that.
19:21
SPEAKER_02: Well, I and you know, it's interesting because like what I wanna what I want to say before I even talk about that is that I didn't arrive here overnight.
19:32
SPEAKER_02: This was like therapy sessions, this was breathwork, this was Reiki, this was all the things that I do for myself, yoga and all that stuff.
19:43
SPEAKER_02: But then also just over time, people just continue to show you who they are, and they continue to show you that like your intuition's right.
19:55
SPEAKER_02: And so you just have to adjust and you listen to it.
19:58
SPEAKER_02: So this is I just want to say for The listeners, like this is not an overnight arrival.
20:02
SPEAKER_02: This was something that I got to over what I'm 45.
20:06
SPEAKER_02: So I got here probably over the last 15 years of me just trying to untangle all of this shit.
20:15
SPEAKER_02: Basically, it was just a lot of things that, like, you know, decisions and choices, right?
20:24
SPEAKER_02: Like that people make that my mom made, like that.
20:30
SPEAKER_02: There's always a surprise when there is like a consequence for these choices that you make.
20:36
SPEAKER_02: It's just like nature taking its course.
20:39
SPEAKER_02: And so essentially, like these choices of continuing to like disregard how much I had been there for her.
20:48
SPEAKER_02: Disregard how much I have rode for her, if you will, and just go back into the things that I had worked really hard to kind of get her out of.
20:58
SPEAKER_02: And then those things that she got back into never changed.
21:03
SPEAKER_02: And it just was like constant.
21:08
SPEAKER_02: And I just was like over time, like, man, this is really, really like taking my energy away.
21:12
SPEAKER_02: This is, I'm not, I'm not happy.
21:14
SPEAKER_02: Like, this is hard for me.
21:16
SPEAKER_02: And so um actually it's a it's a fairly recent decision.
21:22
SPEAKER_02: Um, you know, some stuff, some stuff went down in our my family of origin, and you know, just recently, and I just said, you know, and I then I finally did have to say to her and my dad, like, you know what, I need a breather from all of this.
21:38
SPEAKER_02: And um actually the only person that I'll be speaking to is um my brother, the the one that you know lives in LA, my close brother.
21:46
SPEAKER_02: And I said, and that's it, you know, you guys take care.
21:49
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I know that.
21:50
SPEAKER_01: And I I mean, I know, listen, it's the right thing, but I know it's still that's a brave, that's very, very brave.
21:57
SPEAKER_02: It was brave, it was hard because in my head, you know, as a kid, I've always had like you're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
22:09
SPEAKER_02: See, you're not in your head because you probably resonate.
22:11
SPEAKER_02: Like, I've always had like the guilt trip of like them going to die one day.
22:16
SPEAKER_01: It's the immaturity too.
22:18
SPEAKER_01: When you really realize your they're just your parents are just humans trying, like that realization too, as an adult, where you're like, wait a minute, no one's got it, you know.
22:27
SPEAKER_01: At least you have this illusion when you're a kid that maybe somebody has it figured out.
22:31
SPEAKER_01: But yeah, like just like the immaturity or the the real vulnerability of sometimes with your parents, you're like, wow.
22:38
SPEAKER_01: Now, how does Michael does he just like ride with you and he or like is he ever like, hey, uh kid, I think that's a little aggressive, or is he just like, you know, like what's this?
22:48
SPEAKER_02: I've like, I feel like, and this is so funny, I've actually never said this to him, but like I feel like Michael is like Gandhi.
22:57
SPEAKER_02: So chill.
22:58
SPEAKER_02: So chill, like he's not bothered, he's not moved at all.
23:02
SPEAKER_02: And I love that about him because I'm like so justice driven.
23:07
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, like, I will listen, I will throw gasoline on it, I will turn tables over.
23:14
SPEAKER_02: Like, that's just my personality.
23:15
SPEAKER_02: When I feel like somebody is being done wrong, I'm about to light the shit on fire.
23:19
SPEAKER_02: What's your sign?
23:20
SPEAKER_02: I'm a Gemini.
23:21
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
23:22
SPEAKER_01: He's he's the water, you're the waves.
23:24
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
23:24
SPEAKER_01: And that's why that shit works.
23:26
SPEAKER_01: And that's why, because we balance each other out.
23:28
SPEAKER_01: Because I guarantee, if he listens to this, he's like, listen, if I had an opinion, I'm not saying shit.
23:34
SPEAKER_02: Well, and he probably like he's so much more like graceful about it.
23:40
SPEAKER_02: And like he will not put himself out there in this way, like, not because he's afraid to, but just because that's just not his he has a much different like call, if you will, and demeanor.
23:53
SPEAKER_01: But like me, I'm like raw, unfiltered, like it's so important for people though.
23:59
SPEAKER_01: Like you're people that in your community, they need that.
24:02
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
24:02
SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about your general anxiety disorder that you were diagnosed with.
24:07
SPEAKER_01: And you said you had a mental breakdown.
24:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, 2016.
24:10
SPEAKER_01: So in 2016, all hell broke loose.
24:12
SPEAKER_01: Can you give some imagery around what that looked like?
24:15
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, for sure.
24:16
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I was like, you know, again, due to trauma, like lots of fights at three or four in the morning between my parents.
24:23
SPEAKER_02: So that's when the panic attacks would come.
24:26
SPEAKER_02: Like, I would wake up straight up out of my bed at three or four in the morning, scared that like something bad was going to happen.
24:33
SPEAKER_02: And at the time, I did not have any language for it, and I did not connect it to how I was woken up when I was a kid.
24:43
SPEAKER_02: So panic started happening around three or four in the morning.
24:47
SPEAKER_02: Um, I mean, there were periods of time when it would be like 12 to 24 hours, like no sleep, because like I would just keep having panic attacks.
24:55
SPEAKER_02: And so I began to like really be afraid of the nighttime because I knew that I wasn't gonna sleep.
25:02
SPEAKER_02: And so it was like, you know, all the things of like the heart racing, the thoughts racing, you know, this feeling of like impending doom.
25:11
SPEAKER_02: You know, as well as I know, Carrie, when you don't sleep, that makes that stuff so much worse.
25:17
SPEAKER_02: And so, like, I had developed a tremor.
25:20
SPEAKER_02: So like I was feeling like in my body, like this uh constant vibration.
25:26
SPEAKER_02: Like, and I was just shaking inside.
25:29
SPEAKER_02: Nobody else could see it, but I could feel it.
25:32
SPEAKER_02: When the shit hit the fan, like I just, my hands were shaking so bad that like I had a breakdown and I couldn't do my daughter's ponytails.
25:38
SPEAKER_02: And I just I had at the time, you know, called my mom over.
25:41
SPEAKER_02: She was around the corner from me.
25:42
SPEAKER_02: And I said, Mom, I need you to take the kids to school.
25:44
SPEAKER_02: Like, I've got to go to the doctor, like something is wrong.
25:47
SPEAKER_02: And not knowing that I was diagnosed with anxiety, I like thought I was like having like MS symptoms, like early onset of like Parkinson's, because like my hands were just shaky.
25:59
SPEAKER_02: And I wasn't connecting that that was the same as like not being able to sleep and all that stuff.
26:04
SPEAKER_02: And, you know, so I go to the doctor.
26:06
SPEAKER_02: I mean, my blood pressure is like stroke level high.
26:09
SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm doing everything I can to convince the doctor not to admit me to the hospital.
26:14
SPEAKER_02: But he knew that it wasn't a heart thing.
26:19
SPEAKER_02: He knew, he knew that it was anxiety just because of like some other things that I was like telling him.
26:25
SPEAKER_02: He diagnosed me at that point, and it was my regular physician at that time, and you know, told me, like, hey, listen, like, these are the types of things that like we use medicine for.
26:37
SPEAKER_02: And I being like grown up in a religious home and I'm a black woman, like, I'm not taking medicine.
26:43
SPEAKER_02: That's like, that's for crazy people.
26:45
SPEAKER_02: That's literally what I thought.
26:48
SPEAKER_02: And um, I went home and it kept happening like for a couple more days, and I was like, all right, like I'm surrendered.
26:55
SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm I'm going like to the doctor and I'm gonna get this medicine.
26:59
SPEAKER_02: And so that's in real time, like what led me to get treatment is because I just couldn't function in my life.
27:05
SPEAKER_01: So you finally made the connection.
27:07
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm sure the anxiety is a complete byproduct or partial byproduct of how you were raised.
27:14
SPEAKER_01: Maybe some of it isn't, but I'm sure it's like a lot.
27:17
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but like so they're fighting at three or four in the morning, throwing things.
27:20
SPEAKER_02: Was it was there alcohol involved?
27:22
SPEAKER_02: No, that's what's so crazy.
27:24
SPEAKER_02: It was no alcohol involved.
27:26
SPEAKER_02: That was that makes it even weirder.
27:27
SPEAKER_02: It was that's what I'm saying.
27:29
SPEAKER_02: I can see if there's some bourbon mixed in there.
27:31
SPEAKER_02: No alcohol.
27:32
SPEAKER_02: My parents never, well, I mean, my I've heard things about my dad drinking, but like during that time, he was sober.
27:40
SPEAKER_02: So I think that truthfully, I I think that there's some undiagnosed like mental illness.
27:46
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
27:46
SPEAKER_02: Um, I don't know what that is.
27:48
SPEAKER_02: I'm not a doctor, right?
27:49
SPEAKER_02: Um, and so he was never officially diagnosed, but um, like throwing things across the room.
27:56
SPEAKER_02: Um, like, I mean, just loud.
27:58
SPEAKER_02: And I'm a light sleeper anyway.
28:00
SPEAKER_02: So, you know, that's what, and I mean, I had this had been going on actually since I was a baby.
28:08
SPEAKER_02: So my earliest memory of it happened when I was four years old.
28:12
SPEAKER_02: You know, I talk about it in my latest book, like that I'm working on right now about how my life changed forever, like when I was four years old.
28:19
SPEAKER_02: And I remember the memory very, very vividly of a fight between them.
28:26
SPEAKER_02: And those kinds of fights, maybe not to the wrestling on the ground and all that kind of stuff, but those persisted throughout my life.
28:33
SPEAKER_02: I didn't leave my parents' home until uh I was 24, 25.
28:40
SPEAKER_02: So as I got older, it died down because I was down living in their basement.
28:45
SPEAKER_02: It was like an apartment.
28:46
SPEAKER_02: So like I didn't hear a lot of it.
28:48
SPEAKER_02: Um, but yeah, all through adolescence, teenage years, that's what happened.
28:53
SPEAKER_02: What are they fighting over all the time?
28:55
SPEAKER_02: Well, I mean, adultery.
28:57
SPEAKER_02: Right.
28:57
SPEAKER_02: I was gonna say it's probably, I mean, it's probably adultery.
28:59
SPEAKER_02: My mom, if but if my mom said anything, like, you know, if if if my mom didn't um do what my dad wanted her to do or respond or, you know, anything like that.
29:10
SPEAKER_02: I mean, it was just, you know, his world.
29:13
SPEAKER_02: And we were all squirrels trying to get nuts.
29:16
SPEAKER_01: It's your world.
29:16
SPEAKER_01: I'm just a squirrel.
29:17
SPEAKER_01: See, this is another reason right here.
29:19
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
29:19
SPEAKER_02: I mean, that's you know what I mean.
29:21
SPEAKER_02: And then from that, I mean, you, you know, you think about it, like you have this overt narcissism, right?
29:26
SPEAKER_02: Which creates a whole vibe in a family, but then you also have the covert.
29:32
SPEAKER_02: And like, you know, in a narcissistic family system, where, you know, typically in a normal family system, you've got like the parents who are to meet the needs of the kids.
29:43
SPEAKER_02: Well, in a narcissistic family system, it's very much an inverted system where like you've got the covert, you've got the overt, and then instead of the needs from the parents flowing down to the kids, it's the needs uh to the parents from the kids.
29:59
SPEAKER_02: And so if we didn't make everything like centered, it was all like about him.
30:08
SPEAKER_02: How exhausting.
30:10
SPEAKER_02: No wonder it's been exhausting for 45 fucking years of my life.
30:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and no wonder the anxiety is.
30:18
SPEAKER_01: Oh, did did you ever have anxiety like socially as well?
30:24
SPEAKER_01: Stress and inflammation take a toll on your body and your wellness.
30:28
SPEAKER_01: Relax, restore, and rejuvenate at Panacea Luxury Spa Boutique.
30:33
SPEAKER_01: Book any service of$100 or more and enjoy two hours in our luxury amenities.
30:39
SPEAKER_01: Unwind in our Himalayan salt saunas, recharge in our wet retreat space with a eucalyptus steam room, hot hydrotherapy pool, and cold plunge.
30:49
SPEAKER_01: Then drift into deep relaxation with our hanging loungers.
30:53
SPEAKER_01: What's your panacea?
30:55
SPEAKER_01: We'll help you find it.
30:57
SPEAKER_01: Who says you need a special occasion to feel like a celeb?
31:00
SPEAKER_01: I mean, stress is real, life is busy, and your scalp?
31:04
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it deserves some love too.
31:06
SPEAKER_01: That's where Headspace by Mia Santiago comes in.
31:09
SPEAKER_01: Treat yourself or someone who deserves it to a luxurious scalp treatment and a killer blowout or cut, because nothing says main character energy, honey, like a fresh style from celebrity stylist Mia and her team.
31:21
SPEAKER_01: And because we love a good deal, mention the Carrie Croft show and get 20% off your service or any gift card for somebody in your life that you love.
31:30
SPEAKER_01: Headspace by Mia Santiago, because great hair days shouldn't be rare.
31:36
SPEAKER_02: I do, I do get it.
31:38
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, still.
31:39
SPEAKER_02: And that's why I have my rescue meds for that.
31:41
SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
31:42
SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm a firm believer in natural treatments as well as like, you know, the traditional treatments.
31:47
SPEAKER_02: I do both.
31:48
SPEAKER_02: Meaning like weed?
31:50
SPEAKER_02: No, like so meaning cannabis?
31:53
SPEAKER_02: Uh well, you know.
31:54
SPEAKER_02: I mean a little something here, a little cannabis here.
31:58
SPEAKER_02: Listen, I've dabbled with it a little bit, and um, I actually love the way it feels.
32:02
SPEAKER_02: The issue is the dry mouth.
32:05
SPEAKER_02: See the issue.
32:05
SPEAKER_01: The for me is the paranoia and the munchies.
32:07
SPEAKER_01: I can't.
32:08
SPEAKER_02: Okay, so yeah, so like the indica kind of string, like I get the munchies.
32:11
SPEAKER_01: For me, it doesn't matter what I like, literally, like I could think you were the coolest person ever.
32:16
SPEAKER_01: If you and I took a puff of weed, I'd be like, what's happening with her?
32:20
SPEAKER_01: Like, you like more I cannot like I have tried to like fit myself in that weed box, me too.
32:28
SPEAKER_02: And I couldn't stay there because I'm actually on like real meds, like that you get from a pharmacy.
32:34
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
32:35
SPEAKER_02: So like they ultimately just don't mix well.
32:37
SPEAKER_02: And I've heard too many case studies of people who are like on pharmaceuticals and cannabis, and like there's like a switch that can get flipped, and you know, you can have a psychotic break.
32:49
SPEAKER_02: So like I'm not with that.
32:51
SPEAKER_02: So I just stick with my Lexapro and I'm cool.
32:54
SPEAKER_02: I'm A okay.
32:55
SPEAKER_02: I'm cool.
32:55
SPEAKER_02: You seem like an extrovert, but are you an ambivert?
32:58
SPEAKER_02: Are you an introvert?
32:59
SPEAKER_02: So I feel like I am an extrovert when it comes to people who I vibe with and feel genuine connection with.
33:05
SPEAKER_02: And so, like my friends, they know I'm not shy.
33:09
SPEAKER_02: I'm not shy with them.
33:10
SPEAKER_02: I have no anxiety with them because I'm feel free and safe to be who I am.
33:15
SPEAKER_02: If I walk into a room and I pick up any weird energy at all, I'm in a corner somewhere.
33:21
SPEAKER_02: Not because I don't like people, but because it's something about this group right here that I'm not vibing with.
33:30
SPEAKER_02: So I think it's a little bit of yes and or this and.
33:34
SPEAKER_02: Um, so maybe an ambivert.
33:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, because I am introverted when I don't know you.
33:41
SPEAKER_02: Um alcohol makes it better.
33:44
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
33:44
SPEAKER_02: I love a good cocktail.
33:45
SPEAKER_01: Blame it on the eh alcohol.
33:48
SPEAKER_02: Alcohol a little tequila.
33:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, little tequila girl.
33:52
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I I will.
33:53
SPEAKER_02: Like if I want to turn up.
33:54
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
33:54
SPEAKER_01: Tequila's gonna be like, what's your like usual cocktail choice?
33:57
SPEAKER_01: You're going out, you and Michael, he's gonna wine you and dine you.
34:00
SPEAKER_01: Oh, interesting.
34:00
SPEAKER_01: It depends on what I'm eating.
34:02
SPEAKER_02: See, I'm see, I see Will you hit the red wine a little bit?
34:04
SPEAKER_02: No, I don't like red wine.
34:06
SPEAKER_02: See, this is red wine season right now.
34:08
SPEAKER_02: I know, and I don't like it.
34:09
SPEAKER_02: It's a little gives me a stomachache, and it like makes me like have a headache, and like it is, I just and I don't like the taste.
34:16
SPEAKER_02: White wine, I'm your girl if I'm gonna do a wine.
34:18
SPEAKER_02: Are you like if it's not oaked?
34:21
SPEAKER_01: I don't like oat either.
34:23
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I can't I can't be drinking butter or oak treatment.
34:27
SPEAKER_02: Like, so I will ask always, like, yeah, like I like uh Pinot Grigio.
34:32
SPEAKER_01: So do I, yeah.
34:33
SPEAKER_02: Oh see, I love Pinot Grigio.
34:35
SPEAKER_01: Yes, my faith.
34:36
SPEAKER_01: I am so intrigued about the the reality show.
34:38
SPEAKER_01: What reality?
34:39
SPEAKER_01: Like that that you were talking about.
34:40
SPEAKER_01: Oh, the basketball wives.
34:41
SPEAKER_02: We were talking about that basketball wives thing.
34:43
SPEAKER_02: It's so funny.
34:44
SPEAKER_02: So, like, the first thing, like, because you know, people they don't really know like what to say when they first meet me.
34:51
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
34:52
SPEAKER_02: So the first thing that they open up with a lot of times is like, oh my gosh.
34:59
SPEAKER_02: Like, I've never been in the presence of a real basketball wife before.
35:03
SPEAKER_02: They're like, so are are the girls really like that on the show?
35:08
SPEAKER_02: Are you like that?
35:10
SPEAKER_02: And I'm just like, first pause.
35:13
SPEAKER_02: First of all, like that is just not ever the way to like, you know what I mean?
35:17
SPEAKER_02: Like, I respect your creativity or your lack of creativity or your, you know, curiosity, if you will.
35:24
SPEAKER_02: That's probably a better word, but like, uh, that's not the best way to open up a conversation with me.
35:31
SPEAKER_01: I've never seen a real life basketball wife, that's hilarious.
35:35
SPEAKER_02: I mean, he did just get put into the hall of fame.
35:37
SPEAKER_02: I mean, yeah, like I am a real life basketball wife.
35:40
SPEAKER_02: Let's be clear no shade on those ladies, because I've never met any of them, and I respect the hell out of their hustle.
35:48
SPEAKER_02: But like, a lot of them aren't even basketball wives anymore.
35:52
SPEAKER_02: And some of them weren't even wives to begin with.
35:54
SPEAKER_02: They were just fiancés and girlfriends.
35:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
35:56
SPEAKER_02: Cool.
35:58
SPEAKER_02: But I'm just saying, like, yes, I am Savannah James, she is.
36:04
SPEAKER_02: Right.
36:05
SPEAKER_02: Right?
36:05
SPEAKER_02: Like, we are real basketball wives.
36:08
SPEAKER_02: Like, so it's shocking, you know, sometimes, like, but I'm not surprised by it anymore.
36:13
SPEAKER_02: Um, but I don't know any of those women like on those shows, but I do know enough that like basketball wives are their own entity.
36:22
SPEAKER_01: Well, that it have to be.
36:23
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
36:23
SPEAKER_01: Because I can only like you.
36:25
SPEAKER_01: It's a sorority.
36:26
SPEAKER_01: It but like being a basketball wife, or even like plug in, like, not even basketball, like any sort of spouse who has to support a like someone who is in the limelight and also has such a demanding other part of their life where you can't just take breaks from that shit.
36:43
SPEAKER_01: Like, it is what it is.
36:44
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like you have got to be signed the fuck up.
36:47
SPEAKER_01: And you're just holding everything else down, right?
36:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like that's I mean, that's really what a real I'm doing air quotes here.
36:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, right.
36:57
SPEAKER_02: Basketball wife is, is like you, there's a certain level of like sacrifice that you have to be willing and okay to make so that your husband can go and make a better future for your your children, your children's children, and so on and so forth.
37:15
SPEAKER_02: Um, and so there is some level of like sacrifice where you know, for a minute, like I I wasn't writing, I wasn't, you know, doing any of the things that I'm doing now for myself because Michael was busy.
37:32
SPEAKER_01: Do you ever fight back, or did you ever fight back though, like feelings of being a little resentful over that?
37:37
SPEAKER_01: Like it's because you're a human being, right?
37:39
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean everybody wants Michael, or it's like Michael read this, and like I just feel like there would be a very human, natural like response to that sometimes where you felt like you're in the shadow a little bit.
37:53
SPEAKER_01: You want me to keep it a buck with you?
37:55
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:57
SPEAKER_02: Never towards him, right?
38:01
SPEAKER_02: But just internally.
38:03
SPEAKER_02: And I also think that that goes back to something that we talked about in the earlier part of the interview, that lack of internal worth and validation.
38:13
SPEAKER_02: Um I found myself like earlier in our marriage always feeling like I needed to prove to other people why he chose me and not somebody else who maybe was like more established or was a famous person too.
38:30
SPEAKER_02: But then I realized now, like when I hold up the mirror to myself and re-examine that situation with like a fresher perspective, it was really me trying to prove it to myself.
38:40
SPEAKER_02: Because deep down inside, I did not feel worthy to be chosen by somebody of his caliber.
38:47
SPEAKER_02: And I feel like that was the motivation behind the resentment.
38:56
SPEAKER_02: I actually was resentful towards myself.
38:59
SPEAKER_02: Akia, you've got a college degree, you know, you're just you're just a kept woman, right?
39:06
SPEAKER_02: When really I was at home wiping snotty noses, changing dirty diapers, staying up all night with babies while my husband was on the road grinding.
39:17
SPEAKER_02: And by the way, yes, he was passionate about what he was doing, but that shit is hard work.
39:23
SPEAKER_02: The amount of rehab that it takes to like people see the glitz and the glam behind it, but what they don't see is the dedication of like the two-a-days and showing up to the gym like two, three hours early just so that you can like practice a little bit so you can ice your body so that, you know, because you're playing like a four to five game stretch.
39:45
SPEAKER_02: And then when he comes home, like I'm still a wife at the end of the day.
39:51
SPEAKER_02: I still have been home talking baby talk all day.
39:54
SPEAKER_02: I really just want to connect with like my husband and another grown adult.
40:00
SPEAKER_02: But even that part had to be put on a back burner until like off season or until he had like a couple days off where he could like recalibrate.
40:09
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
40:10
SPEAKER_02: And so that's the part I think I'm not complaining, but that's the part that people don't see.
40:16
SPEAKER_02: So in real time, that's what it looks like to hold the fort down, like as a basketball wife.
40:21
SPEAKER_02: Any wife of an athlete for that matter.
40:24
SPEAKER_01: Or any wife or any or any spouse who's, you know, at home.
40:28
SPEAKER_01: And when you said that just now about, you know, I have a college degree and I'm a kept woman.
40:32
SPEAKER_01: I know so many women in my circle who feel that way.
40:37
SPEAKER_01: You know what I think?
40:38
SPEAKER_01: I really would love to be a part of this like revolution of like reframing what it's like to be the wife or the spouse at home.
40:46
SPEAKER_01: Because you also are, you're the CEO of the house.
40:49
SPEAKER_01: Facts.
40:50
SPEAKER_01: And like that empire you're building, like you're building the most important empire out of the whole thing.
40:57
SPEAKER_01: You know, like, yeah, it's hard.
40:58
SPEAKER_01: Michael goes and he does all his shit.
41:00
SPEAKER_01: He's grinding.
41:01
SPEAKER_01: Like, there is no doubt to be as elite as him, he is working hard.
41:04
SPEAKER_01: But I think on the other side of it too, not being able to take a pee without, you know, or literally eat food or have one minute of sand.
41:15
SPEAKER_01: I mean, you are truly on raising your children and your legacy like 24-7.
41:22
SPEAKER_01: Can we like, I don't know.
41:23
SPEAKER_01: Like, there needs to be.
41:25
SPEAKER_01: You know how many cold meals I ate?
41:27
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
41:28
SPEAKER_02: Yes, or like leftovers or whatever.
41:30
SPEAKER_02: But it's like standing at the kitchen counter, by the way, not even sitting down.
41:33
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
41:34
SPEAKER_01: There needs to be more like accolades around that and like showing that.
41:37
SPEAKER_01: It's like you're not like you're doing it.
41:40
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
41:40
SPEAKER_02: I mean, and and he will, and he said it like when he, you know, was interviewed for, you know, all of the Hall of Fame stuff.
41:47
SPEAKER_02: You know, he says this repeatedly.
41:48
SPEAKER_02: He just reiterated it again to me the other day, which was so sweet of him.
41:53
SPEAKER_02: You know, that like I would not be able to have reached where I've reached in my career had it not be for you and just how solid you've been.
42:04
SPEAKER_02: Like, and I think, you know, to all the women out there who have held it down for their families, whether their husband is like a professional athlete or not, they're out there grinding, working hard, trying to build a better life for you and your family.
42:17
SPEAKER_02: Well, you're also, as the matriarch of your family, doing that same thing.
42:24
SPEAKER_02: And I mean, honestly, like, I'm pretty damn proud of myself because like I got a lot to show for it.
42:30
SPEAKER_02: If I did no books, no coaching, no anything that I'm into now, my kids are the bomb.
42:43
SPEAKER_02: And I can say honestly, because I spent a lot of time with those kids, he did too.
42:49
SPEAKER_02: But like I was with those kids.
42:51
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
42:51
SPEAKER_01: I mean, that was your first, like, that was your main priority.
42:56
SPEAKER_02: I started coaching way before I started coaching, right?
42:59
SPEAKER_02: Like I started writing a book and working on all of that way before because I was putting that stuff in them and being the matriarch that I never saw growing up.
43:13
SPEAKER_02: So yeah.
43:14
SPEAKER_02: I love that shit.
43:15
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm like, I'm ready to get up and be like, hey, hey man, I love it.
43:19
SPEAKER_01: Love your I love your like passion.
43:21
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
43:22
SPEAKER_01: I just feel like he's the lucky one in this group.
43:24
SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna, hey, I'm just gonna come out and say it.
43:27
SPEAKER_01: I feel like you'd be running circles around people.
43:29
SPEAKER_01: Like, who is this woman?
43:30
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
43:31
SPEAKER_01: You are fucking fantastic.
43:33
SPEAKER_01: I appreciate so are you.
43:34
SPEAKER_01: I am this is not gonna be our last go around.
43:36
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm happy to hear that.
43:37
SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna ask you a couple quick ones.
43:40
SPEAKER_01: This will be fun for social media.
43:43
SPEAKER_01: Oh, and stay-at-home dads too.
43:45
SPEAKER_01: We said matriarch because yeah, we didn't.
43:46
SPEAKER_01: We want to include the stay at the and that that that shit is like the the stay-at-home dad population is growing.
43:52
SPEAKER_02: It is, and I just incredible want to like shout out.
43:54
SPEAKER_02: Like, I um I actually had an opportunity to talk to and meet one, and I was so like just impressed by him.
44:04
SPEAKER_02: So, yeah, shout out to all y'all stay at home done.
44:06
SPEAKER_01: You saw one out in the wild at the at the, you know, they stick out like a sore thumb.
44:09
SPEAKER_01: It's like they're, you know, they're out there at 11 a.m.
44:12
SPEAKER_01: with the coffee, and you're like, oh, are you a stay-at-home dad?
44:14
SPEAKER_02: You must have- No, it was like it was crazy because I was like doing a talk, and like I met one, and I was just like, oh man, like you're dope.
44:22
SPEAKER_02: I love that you decided to do this for your kids.
44:24
SPEAKER_02: It's so great.
44:25
SPEAKER_01: Because you have even more baller women out there starting to take over.
44:29
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I know what I was gonna ask you too.
44:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
44:32
SPEAKER_01: What's your common fight?
44:34
SPEAKER_01: Like, every couple has like a common, like the like the the fight that you feel like it's like if I have to have the same argument with you again.
44:42
SPEAKER_01: One more time, like one more time, but it's like it doesn't change.
44:46
SPEAKER_01: Speaking of, there's my man.
44:48
SPEAKER_01: Speak, speaking of the same side over and over again.
44:55
SPEAKER_02: Honestly, like hot take, it would definitely be, bro, know the kid's schedule.
45:05
SPEAKER_01: You you you you like, yeah, I could feel that.
45:08
SPEAKER_01: But see, you know what's funny?
45:09
SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm the one, my husband's the one that does that to me.
45:12
SPEAKER_01: Oh.
45:13
SPEAKER_01: Do you know?
45:14
SPEAKER_01: I thought yesterday was Tuesday.
45:16
SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean I thought yesterday, no, to the point where, and this is a this is kind of an aggressive one where I had to like really take a step back and go, you need to like truly slow down a minute.
45:24
SPEAKER_01: Like I did have a moment with myself.
45:26
SPEAKER_01: So, and I had even looked at my iPhone calendar.
45:29
SPEAKER_01: I was talking to my nanny, and I have one for four days and one that does one day.
45:34
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
45:35
SPEAKER_01: She comes on Thursdays, but she used to come on Wednesdays, right?
45:38
SPEAKER_01: So I'm like, okay, she's like on text, yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
45:41
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, the hell you will.
45:43
SPEAKER_01: I mean, she must have something wrong.
45:44
SPEAKER_01: I look at the calendar and I'm like, hey, you you come on Thursdays.
45:48
SPEAKER_01: She's like, Yeah, tomorrow's Thursday.
45:50
SPEAKER_01: I was like, Oh my God.
45:52
SPEAKER_01: Right?
45:52
SPEAKER_01: Like, but after even looking at the calendar, because I had Kate, Kate's the only one that probably sees me like real time.
45:59
SPEAKER_01: I need to slow that shit down.
46:01
SPEAKER_02: No, but you know what else though, like was not lost on me is like the age that I'm at right now, and like this is not even nothing we have to talk about, but like perimenopause, hello.
46:09
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm already I'm in now, I think I'm in or will be in full-blown menopause.
46:13
SPEAKER_02: So this perimenopause brain fog stuff.
46:16
SPEAKER_02: So yeah, I forget my own name half the time.
46:19
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I've literally been driving somewhere and I'm like, where?
46:22
SPEAKER_02: What's my boy?
46:23
SPEAKER_01: It's a whole thing.
46:23
SPEAKER_01: But you know what's great about that now is now it's trending.
46:26
SPEAKER_01: Now we can actually talk about it.
46:28
SPEAKER_01: Right, you can actually get the help that you need.
46:29
SPEAKER_01: It's like, fuck.
46:30
SPEAKER_01: You know that the women's center they're building over the the new women's center at Riverside.
46:34
SPEAKER_01: It's unbelievable.
46:35
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's amazing.
46:36
SPEAKER_01: I don't know how much you know about it, but it's like the best in the country.
46:39
SPEAKER_01: So it's um it's an actual women's center that is designed to support a woman throughout her entire life.
46:47
SPEAKER_01: So it's like amazing, it is the most women female centric thing.
46:52
SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
46:53
SPEAKER_01: It's so amazing.
46:54
SPEAKER_01: Is it open now?
46:55
SPEAKER_01: Not yet.
46:55
SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be open in 2027, but they have a big, you know, there's like the menopause stuff, the functional medicine, like all of it.
47:02
SPEAKER_01: Amazing.
47:03
SPEAKER_01: It's not just like an and, oh, by the way, there's women.
47:06
SPEAKER_01: It's like this is for the women, the matriarchs.
47:10
SPEAKER_01: Finally, the feminine energy.
47:12
SPEAKER_01: Yes, finally.
47:14
SPEAKER_01: Love that shit.
47:14
SPEAKER_01: Me, so I'm so proud of Columbus for for doing it.
47:17
SPEAKER_01: Yes, me too.
47:18
SPEAKER_01: Next time you go by there, you gotta look.
47:20
SPEAKER_01: It's pretty good.
47:20
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, thank you for letting me know.
47:22
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
47:23
SPEAKER_01: Okay, lightning round.
47:24
SPEAKER_01: All right, one boundary.
47:26
SPEAKER_01: Well, this is this is probably pretty self-explanatory.
47:30
SPEAKER_01: One boundary you enforce without explanation.
47:33
SPEAKER_01: If it doesn't feel good, I don't do it.
47:35
SPEAKER_01: A belief you changed your mind about this past year.
47:39
unknown: Damn it.
47:42
SPEAKER_01: Oh, lightning round.
47:44
SPEAKER_02: Ah, one belief that brain fog isn't gonna be helping you right now.
47:48
SPEAKER_02: No, it's not.
47:49
SPEAKER_02: One belief that I changed my mind about.
47:53
SPEAKER_02: Oh.
47:54
SPEAKER_01: That I don't have to be loud and bold all the time.
47:58
SPEAKER_01: Most underrated therapy homework or work that you've done.
48:03
SPEAKER_01: Ooh.
48:04
SPEAKER_02: Um taking myself out on a date.
48:08
SPEAKER_02: That's so fucking good.
48:09
SPEAKER_01: I just saw something.
48:10
SPEAKER_01: I just saw something online, and it was like, I used to see men sitting at the bar eating by themselves, and I felt sorry for them.
48:17
SPEAKER_01: Now I realize they were in heaven.
48:19
SPEAKER_01: Like it's true.
48:21
SPEAKER_01: Facts.
48:22
SPEAKER_01: Okay, one thing Michael was right about.
48:25
SPEAKER_02: Oh man.
48:26
SPEAKER_02: That my circle of friends is gonna change a whole lot.
48:30
SPEAKER_01: A luxury you thought would fix it, but didn't travel.
48:36
SPEAKER_01: The sentence you tell yourself before you walk into any room now.
48:39
SPEAKER_01: I'm enough and I don't have to overdo it.
48:42
SPEAKER_03: I love that.
48:43
SPEAKER_01: You know what?
48:43
SPEAKER_01: I can give you an upgrade to that one.
48:45
SPEAKER_01: What?
48:45
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I'm motherfucking Gary Croft.
48:49
SPEAKER_01: Girl, you better come on through.
48:51
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
48:51
SPEAKER_01: Come on through.
48:52
SPEAKER_01: Who else is gonna do that for you?
48:54
SPEAKER_01: Who else is gonna be your hype team?
48:55
SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
48:56
SPEAKER_01: It's like people find that to be what is it, arrogant?
48:59
SPEAKER_01: Is it, is it, oh, you're so, you know, whatever.
49:02
SPEAKER_01: But it's like, who's gonna pump you up if you don't?
49:06
SPEAKER_01: And especially in the beginning, it's like you're clapping for yourself way before anybody else.
49:11
SPEAKER_01: It's like, why not?
49:12
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
49:12
SPEAKER_02: And I also wait a minute, hold up, pause.
49:14
SPEAKER_02: I want to amend that one that you asked me.
49:17
SPEAKER_02: Okay, okay, about redact.
49:20
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I want to redact a statement here that I made about like what's the one luxury that you thought would change it?
49:27
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, a face mask.
49:30
SPEAKER_02: That, that right, let's that right there, that face mask self-care routine, that faux self-care routine.
49:37
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
49:38
SPEAKER_01: You know what?
49:38
SPEAKER_01: Speaking of I have been literally internalizing as you're talking, looking at your skin and your brows, and I'm like, this bitch, like what is happening?
49:46
SPEAKER_01: Microblading.
49:47
SPEAKER_02: So wait, the micro who does your microblading?
49:49
SPEAKER_02: I go to this lady named Marcella Brooks um Anderson at uh CAPS.
49:54
SPEAKER_02: Okay, but your skin is like progesterone progesterone, estrogen or hormone therapy.
50:02
SPEAKER_02: Are you already?
50:03
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
50:03
SPEAKER_02: So how are how are you taking it?
50:05
SPEAKER_02: Is it a patch?
50:06
SPEAKER_02: Patch, progesterone pill.
50:09
SPEAKER_02: So as far as the skin thing, um products too.
50:13
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I just really that I don't change on those.
50:17
SPEAKER_01: But I think it's a lot genetic.
50:19
SPEAKER_01: Your skin is like a baby's ass.
50:21
SPEAKER_01: Like that shit is not like that is no Korean face mask, okay?
50:25
SPEAKER_01: It's not.
50:26
SPEAKER_01: Honey, like you're gonna sell me on these TikTok, you could sell anything with your skin.
50:30
SPEAKER_01: Oh, thank you.
50:31
SPEAKER_01: What do you do for just for the folks at home though?
50:33
SPEAKER_01: What do you do for your skin?
50:34
SPEAKER_01: Like my routine?
50:35
SPEAKER_01: I want the actual products and the routine, yeah.
50:38
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
50:38
SPEAKER_02: So the type of facial that I like to get is um, they call it like, depending on where you go, the workout facial.
50:45
SPEAKER_02: So it's like a microcurrent.
50:47
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
50:47
SPEAKER_02: Because it tightens the skin.
50:49
SPEAKER_02: Um, I love um osmosis MD products.
50:54
SPEAKER_02: Um, they're very moisturizing for my skin.
50:58
SPEAKER_02: Um, they have a couple different variations of their retin A product.
51:03
SPEAKER_02: Um, there's one that's super strong that like I had to back down off of once the estrogen started to tank and I was getting drier skin.
51:10
SPEAKER_02: Um but I use one called Calm.
51:13
SPEAKER_02: And um, so I think that that really like helps me.
51:18
SPEAKER_02: But man, the microcurrent facials, I noticed a big difference when I started getting that.
51:24
SPEAKER_02: And then every now and then I'll throw in on top of like that wand that tightens your face, I'll throw in like a um hydro facial.
51:32
SPEAKER_02: But yeah, I'm not the I'm not the girl like at home that does like all the face masks.
51:37
SPEAKER_02: I use like a basic, like um, what cleanser am I using right now?
51:41
SPEAKER_02: Uh is it youth for the people or something?
51:44
SPEAKER_02: It's like their green tea something.
51:46
SPEAKER_02: Like I use that.
51:48
SPEAKER_02: And then like as far as like I exfoliate my face every night with um this dermatologica um thing, it has um rice powder in it.
51:57
SPEAKER_02: And I need it.
51:59
SPEAKER_02: It's yeah, it's really good and it's gentle enough to use every day.
52:02
SPEAKER_02: However, if you're pregnant or if you have some type of sensitivity, they do make one with oat in it, so you can use it even then.
52:09
SPEAKER_02: But there's actives in that.
52:11
SPEAKER_02: And so it's yeah, every day.
52:13
SPEAKER_02: I'm just very consistent with it.
52:16
SPEAKER_02: It's working.
52:16
SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
52:17
SPEAKER_02: I appreciate it.
52:18
SPEAKER_02: And Botox, you know, that is a hurt.
52:19
SPEAKER_01: I mean, caps?
52:21
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
52:21
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
52:22
SPEAKER_01: So is there anything specific that you want to promote?
52:26
SPEAKER_01: Like, you want to talk about a book?
52:27
SPEAKER_01: Do you want to talk about it?
52:28
SPEAKER_01: Is there anything that you want to like make sure people hear and understand?
52:31
SPEAKER_02: I mean, really at the end of the day, like, um, you know, I've written three books.
52:36
SPEAKER_02: Um, I'm working on my fourth one.
52:38
SPEAKER_02: That one's all about religious trauma.
52:41
SPEAKER_02: I'm very excited about that.
52:43
SPEAKER_02: Um, not, you know, it's it's really honestly, it's like it was a sacred and holy experience for me writing it.
52:49
SPEAKER_02: Um, so I'm now moved on to editing, but it's been two and a half years of my life.
52:53
SPEAKER_02: It's the longest that it's ever taken me to write a book.
52:56
SPEAKER_02: Um, because I included testimonies or stories from people, and I also, you know, included lots of case studies.
53:02
SPEAKER_02: And so I did a lot of research, right?
53:04
SPEAKER_02: Um, but I don't even want to promote that yet.
53:06
SPEAKER_02: I have a feeling that we can do that another time.
53:09
SPEAKER_02: I think so.
53:10
SPEAKER_02: I think so.
53:10
SPEAKER_02: Let's talk about the book writing process a little bit.
53:13
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
53:14
SPEAKER_01: So um you didn't self-publish, did you?
53:17
SPEAKER_02: Uh, the first two times I did.
53:21
SPEAKER_02: Uh, the second time I did, or the third time I did a hybrid.
53:26
SPEAKER_02: Um, and this time I'm kind of doing like the hybrid.
53:31
SPEAKER_01: So lessons learned if somebody was on the beginning of their journey to write a book, what would be your best advice?
53:38
SPEAKER_02: Um I think it just really depends on what you want to accomplish out of it.
53:43
SPEAKER_02: Um, I think that the hybrid publishing is probably the sweet spot in the middle because you have access to your publishing company's um distribution, which you know is amazing and it can get your book, you know, out there.
53:58
SPEAKER_02: But I and I also think with hybrid, you can also keep the rights to what you write.
54:02
SPEAKER_02: Whereas if you go the traditional route, they tend to have full say in how, how, when, what, where, how, how.
54:09
SPEAKER_02: And I I didn't love that.
54:11
SPEAKER_02: That's why I never chose that.
54:12
SPEAKER_02: But I think uh, yeah, hybrid for me is like, you know, I I love that.
54:17
SPEAKER_02: Um, it kind of takes away from your profits a little bit because you have to pay them first.
54:24
SPEAKER_02: However, that being said, the visibility, and I also think if a if somebody wants to write a book or they're writing a book, nobody will know to buy your book if they don't know that it's out there.
54:37
SPEAKER_02: So marketing, marketing, marketing, marketing, really establishing your strong audience before you even release the book is important and getting clear on what your demographic is so that the content that you're releasing doesn't come way out of left field from what your book is about.
54:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
54:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
54:57
SPEAKER_01: That's that's really good advice.
54:59
SPEAKER_01: What were you listening to in the car on the way over here?
55:02
SPEAKER_01: 90s music all day.
55:05
SPEAKER_02: I mean, like I'm trying to remember trying to remember actually what song it was because I was like feeling it in the car too.
55:10
SPEAKER_02: And I can't remember, but I'm a 90s RB girl all day.
55:17
SPEAKER_02: My favorite rapper.
55:19
SPEAKER_02: I go between Biggie and Tupac.
55:21
SPEAKER_02: I I I I know I saw.
55:23
SPEAKER_02: If you had to throw one out of bed, which one would it be?
55:26
SPEAKER_02: Meaning that I didn't want to listen to him.
55:28
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
55:29
SPEAKER_02: Biggie.
55:30
SPEAKER_01: Really?
55:30
SPEAKER_01: I just because Tupac is I have such a I have such a crush with on him still.
55:34
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, he's fair.
55:36
SPEAKER_01: It's fair.
55:37
SPEAKER_01: He is my man.
55:37
SPEAKER_01: It's fair.
55:38
SPEAKER_01: Do you like SWV?
55:39
SPEAKER_02: Love will be right.
55:42
SPEAKER_02: You know what my favorite is.
55:45
SPEAKER_00: I guess so weak in the knees.
55:49
SPEAKER_00: I can hardly speak.
55:51
SPEAKER_00: I lose all control inside that takes over me in a days, and it's so amazing.
55:59
SPEAKER_00: It's not a face.
56:01
SPEAKER_00: I want you to stay with me by my side.
56:04
SPEAKER_00: I swallow my pride.
56:07
SPEAKER_00: Your love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet.
56:13
SPEAKER_00: Then the peak, boy, it's something I can't explain.
56:18
SPEAKER_01: I mean, we did we just put a bow on that friendship right there.
56:22
SPEAKER_01: We just put a bow on it.
56:24
SPEAKER_01: Don't be calling us for any like gigs or anything.
56:26
SPEAKER_01: Okay, we're busy.
56:27
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
56:28
SPEAKER_01: We're busy.
56:29
SPEAKER_01: This has been, I mean, what do you even say about it?
56:33
SPEAKER_01: Like, it's not often you feel like you're sad to leave someone because you're like, but wait, there's more.
56:38
SPEAKER_01: We're supposed to be friends now.
56:39
SPEAKER_02: I know, I know, I know, I know.
56:40
SPEAKER_01: It's been really, really fun.
56:42
SPEAKER_02: No, thank you.
56:42
SPEAKER_02: I really appreciate you for like even having me.
56:46
SPEAKER_02: And um, hey, if your followers, you know, listeners want to find me, I'm on Substack, I'm on Instagram.
56:55
SPEAKER_02: Um, I'm also coaching.
56:56
SPEAKER_02: I do life coaching now.
56:58
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
56:58
SPEAKER_02: Well, we put all we'll put all that in the in the notes.
57:01
SPEAKER_02: You know, come come holler at your girl.
57:03
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
57:04
SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm taking clients, so you know, let's do this.
57:06
SPEAKER_02: Don't walk, run.
57:09
SPEAKER_01: Right?
57:09
SPEAKER_01: But in all seriousness, I think that, you know, it's very special how transpar, like how naturally transparent that you are.
57:18
SPEAKER_01: And I know that it probably took you a long time and a lot of therapy, but like you may need to hear this.
57:23
SPEAKER_01: That like you're being so real and open about really hard stuff that most people hide behind is so, so important.
57:31
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
57:32
SPEAKER_01: So important.
57:33
SPEAKER_01: So you're just a mix of fucking awesomeness, badassy, and amazing skin.
57:37
SPEAKER_01: And I love you.
57:38
SPEAKER_02: And I love you too.
57:39
SPEAKER_02: Truly.
57:40
SPEAKER_02: And like badassery and all that recognizes badassery.
57:44
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
57:44
SPEAKER_02: So, like, we're kind of spirit.
57:46
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
57:46
SPEAKER_02: Sister from another movie.
57:48
SPEAKER_02: Oh, okay, man.
57:49
SPEAKER_01: If you're still out there following your girl, follow me on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcast.
57:54
SPEAKER_01: And until next time, I have a best friend now.
57:56
SPEAKER_01: And keep moving, baby.