Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S4 Ep28: 🎭 Jeff Dunham & Friends: Comedy Unleashed 🤣

Transcript

S4 Ep28: 🎭 Jeff Dunham & Friends: Comedy Unleashed 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Look, Walter, I know for a fact that you love your family, you still love your wife, and I think that even at this age, every once in a while you should still try and be romantic with your wife.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_02: Good lord.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_02: Like how?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: Do you ever speak to your wife in a foreign language, like in French?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_02: Some women love that.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: I call her a French name now and then.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_02: Monsherry.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_02: Cosinoto.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_02: So is there romance between you two?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_02: Well, not long ago, my wife left a trail of rose petals on the floor for me.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, into the bedroom?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: Right out the front door.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_02: You know, there are plenty of romantic places in this country you could go for a special time together.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_02: Like where?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_02: Top of the Empire State Building.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_02: Oh no, we tried that.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_02: A security guard took one look at her and went, uh-oh, King Kong is back.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: See, just like that.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_02: You've been married for over 45 years.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_02: Have you ever said anything to your wife that you truly regretted?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, will you marry me?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_02: I love you.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_02: Shit like that.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, when your wife is in a romantic mood, you ever think about taking one of those little pills?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_02: Cyanide?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, I do actually.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, what does your wife put on when she's feeling frisky at bedtime?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_02: Night vision goggles.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_02: Then she sneaks around the house and hunts my ass down.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: It is scary stuff, my friends.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_02: When was the last time you even put your arms around your wife?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_02: A couple weeks ago when she was choking on a piece of steak?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_02: You see there you gave her the heimlick.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I know I was drunk.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what I was thinking.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_02: I was so close.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you could do something simple like watching a movie together.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: Oh no, every time we watch a movie she falls asleep.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_02: Then the next morning I have to drag back to the theater to pick her up and bring her home.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_02: Have you done anything fun in town here this week?
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_02: You know I don't like getting out.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, you're a little bit of a hypochondriac.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, why don't you wear one of those paper masks?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_02: Why it's taper, it can't stop anything.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, hell, the Constitution is taper and it's never stopped our current administration.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_02: Just trying to get a read on the crowd tonight.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_02: So I take it you're not exactly happy with our government right now?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_02: Are you kidding me?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: Congress's approval rating is at 12%.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: Jockitch has a higher rating than that.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: So you're paying attention to the presidential candidates?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: How would you feel about a female president?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, file with me.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_02: Just whoever it is make sure it's after she hits Nina Clause.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: Walter.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_02: I was there when my wife went through it.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_02: She had been president then.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_02: Holy crap.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm screaming, I'm clearly suck you, Russia.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_02: How you doing, Baba J?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: I'm doing part again.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_02: So what's been going on lately?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: Well, uh, last week I went to another NASCAR race and got the hammered.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_02: Drunk again?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: Oh no, it's the same drunk.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: I just keep extending it.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, if you're not drinking at a NASCAR race, you're not at a NASCAR race.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: Where are you?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_02: You're at golf.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: And Bubba J, do you drink excessively?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what that word means.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: What's the longest you've ever gone without a beer?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: How long have I done out here?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: Less than a minute.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_02: There you go.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know your drinking limits?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_02: Uh daily or lifetime?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: How can you tell someone's lifetime limit on drinking beer?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_02: Well, if they die when they're drinking, that was it.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: What I meant was, do you know how much beer you could have before you've had too much?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_02: I could have too much beer?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: Sure, that would be fantastic.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_02: Have you ever drank as much as you wanted?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_02: What happened?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: You looked pretty.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: Can't you have fun without beer?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but why risk it?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_02: Would you rather drink beer out of a can, a bottle, or on tap?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yes, yes, and yes.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: Just remember, Bubba J, you should never drink alone.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_02: You're not fooling anybody.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: That's why you have us.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: So your favorite time to drink is at sporting events.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_02: Uh yeah, sporting events, yeah, it's good, yeah.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_02: Do you drink beer every day?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_02: Uh only on like days off.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, you don't have a job.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: My favorite holiday to get drunk on is St.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_02: Patrick's Day.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, there's all the Germans! Right.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know you were Irish.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: I also get drunk on Cinco Deleo and Martin Luther King Day, and I'm not Mexican or black.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, okay.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want anybody thinking I'm racist.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: Why would anyone think you're racist?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Because I said Mexican.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I also said black.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry about that.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: Bubba J, it's okay to say Mexican in black.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: It is?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_02: Sure.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Because everybody here is white.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_02: No, it's just okay to use those words.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, well, thanks for Keith and the Real Cracker.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_02: So I understand you flew in today?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: On a commercial airline?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: No problems?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: Like what?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: You knew the TSA, the X-ray machine.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_02: You idiot.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: For you it's an X-ray.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_02: For me it's a selfie.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_02: So are you enjoying your time here?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, very much.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: I get recognized a lot in Hollywood.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_02: I was out in front of the theater today signing autographs.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_02: They thought I was an Olsen twin.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, screw you! That's a funny joke.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_02: That reminds me.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_02: Did you know I had been adding to my career skills lately?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: Doing what?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: I am now not just a dead terrorist, I am a dead cyber terrorist.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: A cyber terrorist.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_02: Don't forget to like me on Facebook.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: You know, Aquin, maybe for a different line of work you could do something that would help people.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: Like what?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: I could answer a suicide hotline.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_02: I'd be like, no, no, you're fine.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_02: Go ahead.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_02: You're good.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: That's horrible.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_02: They're laughing, not my fault.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_02: So if you're gonna be a cyber terrorist, you have a new catchphrase besides I kill you?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yes, this is a good one.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: It's going to scare the crap out of you.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: I click you! Why are they laughing?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_02: Because cyber terrorists makes you sound like a nerd.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: Ding is cyber terrorists is not easy.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: It takes balls.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: Not real ones.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_02: What are you looking at, you further?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, they're gone.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_02: I lost them in the explosion.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_02: Bye-bye balls.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_02: Thought I found them again.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: Balls don't bounce.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_02: There they are.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_02: And you kept them.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: Dude, you don't just throw away your own nuts.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: How the hell would that work?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: Hello, South Asian Army?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_02: Have I got something for you?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_02: And what'd you do with them?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I didn't make a keychain or something like that.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_02: Or hide it under my pillow and wait to the ball ferry.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_02: Wait, is this that's a thing?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_02: How much could I get from the ball ferry?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_02: It's a matching set.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_02: In the original rapper.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, okay.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_02: Don't ask me how I carry him.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: I have a ball boy.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_02: Alright.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_02: You don't have him with you.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, they're at home in my junk drawer.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_02: Well.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_02: So Ahmed, what does a cyber terrorist actually do?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: As I said before, no more killing.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: You never have killed anyone.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: Silence! I delete you! Whew! Is that a new phrase?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_02: Wait a minute, how do you delete someone?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: It's not as easy as you think.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_02: You first have to highlight the next day.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: But explain what a cyber terrorist actually does.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_02: I terrorized thy computer.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, but what do you think the best weapon you have is to make computers not work?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_02: Windows Vista.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_02: Do you send spam?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_02: You idiot, no torque! Oh.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_02: That one's for all my Jewish friends out there.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yay!
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: Have you spread any viruses?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_02: Well, before the explosion I had a little itch, then it went away.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_02: If you're a cyber terrorist, who's your biggest enemy now?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_02: The CIA, the FBI?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: Siri?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_02: I asked her to search the web for movie traps, and she said, I found a number of hooters near you.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_02: Don't go to any more coffee places.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I heard the other day?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: I heard that some folks get something called a coffee inina.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what that is.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to know what that is, and please don't let it ever show up on the menu at Starbucks.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_02: On the other hand, if you really want to pull an awesome joke when you're standing in line, secretly write it on the chalkboard menu.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: Then you get to register it, point to it and say, last time I had that one frozen.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_02: It gave my butt the shivers.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna open my own coffee place.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_02: This could be a whole new line of designer just for me.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: The Cafe Lute.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_02: The Astraso! The Crattacino! The best part of laking up is coffee in your butt.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_02: Stop it! How long you've been like this?
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yes! So you're addicted to caffeine.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_02: Is there any way you can get off it?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_02: I tried a patch, that didn't work.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_02: Why?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_02: I stuck it on my arm, took it off my arm, rolled it up, snoked it.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yay! And then I tried some kind of gum, but that didn't work.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_02: Gum.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_02: Because I got it mixed up with a condom, and that was a big ass bubble that blew right there.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_02: I found one.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck happened?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's not funny.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hate you.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_02: I guess I know what we're not gonna see on TV.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm a professional.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry, just kind of got away from me there.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry, Peanut.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_02: Stand up.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, stand up.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_02: Close your mouth.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_02: Close your mouth.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_02: Apparently they can understand you, and I can't.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_02: Can you close your mouth?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: What a hand.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, you want me to close your mouth?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: What your hair?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: What your hair?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: What hair?
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: See?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: What you