Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 44- Revisiting JR's Story - Part 2

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Ep. 44- Revisiting JR's Story - Part 2 · Shared Light

• 352D19C3 A7C1 4A87 ABAF F622DA05F05C: Morning all. Welcome to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR. I am obviously JR. And I'm Dustie. bit a bit disclaimer again. You may hear my dogs in the background. It's been crazy here. we volunteered to help a friend of mine take care of his beagle and it's been chaos. So we just want to continue on with my story. I like to call it the epic conclusion. It's not really a conclusion. but again this is for November being men's mental health awareness month. Yes. so you know, if you guys out there are struggling, you know, you it might be time to share your story and and get some of that stuff off of your chest. do you wanna call it Attention to our website, www.sharedlightpodcast.com. It's a way to get a contact with us there. Shop tab, all the fun stuff. but yeah, so enjoy the story and we will catch you on the next one. JR And Dustie Rodriguez: So welcome back to another episode of Shared Light with JR and Dustie I'm obviously JR. I'm Dustie. And this is going to be part two of a little bit of my journey. I just got in a general population in county. into some friends, into some acquaintances, running into some people. And this was... this is 2003. spent my... 23rd birthday in jail. But so sitting in jail and at that time, just been offered a 25 year deal with only having to technically serve seven, which is not something a 22 year old wants to hear by any means. It was scary. was, but you're in an environment that. just cannot show that at all. and You are in an envoirnment where you are very much alone. at this stage in my life. I am so far into the dark that I really just don't care about anything or anyone. The only person that I have in my life that I know for a fact and even I don't necessarily trust that I think at this point is my dad. You know, my mom has, for all intents and purposes, refusing to even acknowledge that I'm her kid. she was extremely hurt by the situation and the situation that I put them in. I can't say that I blame her, looking back. know what I mean? She had the boys. Yeah, and that's the bigger takeaway that I have from that experience is that did, through my actions, I did put them at risk. Yeah. And based on their history. That is a terrible situation for my parents to be in. But I think it's just two totally different perspectives. The way that you viewed it at the time. Right. As you disowned me, you abandoned me. And her view at the time, how could you not think of us and the kids? and what we're trying to go through and like what we're going through, what we're trying to do. And that perspective very much highlights something that. is very evident in the dark. So it is a very self-based perspective of. what everything that happens around me is not choices that I've made. This is happening to me. For me anyway, that is. But the other side of that is this further adds. It adds more ammunition and it adds more. It validates my feeling of. I am alone. So. It was hard. spend that time in county. And I, you know, I wrote letters to people and tried to keep myself busy and you acclimate to the environment that you're you very much. various perspectives on what it means to be respectful, it means to be disrespectful. what you can and cannot say. It is a very... hyper-focused and hyper-sensitive environment. and the scary thing about it was that I very much excelled in it. very well. quickly lost that scary feeling and kind of just accepted that this was where I was meant to be. did not enjoy by any means. And then. you know, sometime and... It was early. had to have been after my birthday. So it was early 03 or late 03, early 04. We're finally going to trial. My lawyer said that they had not offered any deals. At this point, I am really scared because that. by this point in time, you realize that when you do take a case to jury trial, they generally give you the maximum that they can if you lose. The flip side to that is it only takes one juror to not convict, right? But. Besides the point, nobody wants to go to jury, but that's where we're headed. And then about two weeks before my jury trial, my lawyer shows up and tells me that he's got a Highly encouraged me to take this deal. It's not what I'm wanting, but it's the best he's going to be able to get. Which was the, you know, the two years for indeterminate. but we still got to see what he's fairly confident the judge in Boise for the probation violation will follow suit with the judge here, but I do need to please take this deal here. So I said, you know, fine. If they're going to retain, he's like, they're going to change jurisdiction, which means that you'll go, you'll do this program. If you do good, you get out on probation, but understand that if you get in trouble from here on out, like you're going to go do those two years. All of it. Yeah, with everything on top of it. know, fine. Accept the deal, go to County and Boise, I think I'm there like a week or two, go to court, they accept the deal, and they sent me to prison. What I did not know at the time when I took the deal was that it is still prison. You do go through the prison program. You do go through general intake the way all people that go to prison go. So I spent, you you get to the yard here in Boise and they put you into a pod that is an intake pod. It's like a house and they call it a house. But it's like you see in most documentaries and things where it's essentially just a bunch of cells, upstairs, downstairs, a common area. That was terrifying because at this point, you know that you're, you are in an environment with the gambit and the scope of everything that is terrifying in the world. It's not counting anymore. And you don't know because it's a different, it's a it's a different set of rules. different. set of values and you've got people that are extremely dangerous. And I have never considered myself to be one of those. So it was scary and it was again, very lonely. It was. time that I look back on and think that I didn't know if I was going to make it out of there. I didn't know if I was going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. then, you know, So you do intake. You sit in the initial house for, I think I was there about a month. And then at that point you get your paperwork, you get everything that you're getting and they distribute you out to, if you're staying on the main yard, you start getting sent to your house, whatever that you're on the main yard. If you're getting sent to, so we've got two prisons here. We've got the state prison and then we've got the other one. So they distribute you out. And then for people that are going up north to do this program, they essentially have to be called by the prison when they have room. So those individuals. get distributed out into various houses on the main yard. Sometimes they keep them together. Other times they end up going into the main yard and getting put in prison blues and the whole gambit. Like you're in prison. So I ended up getting sent to, it's called house seven. It's essentially the old death row in. And that same deal, but this is old school bars. It's not doors. I mean, old school bars. hear the prison cells open, hear them close. And I'm in there with, you know, various types of people, people that are going up north, people that are not going up north, that are sitting there until they get their housing units. you know, for, For all intents and purposes, again, you're in with a mix of everybody. And there is a lot less oversight there in this house than there is in the intake and some of those other houses. So the potential for danger is even higher. which luckily nothing ever happened. mean, I did see, you know, a few things here and there, but nothing. And I said. here. to. I think I finally ended up going up north. It had to have been... So I spent some time in Boise at that. And you know, go to chow, you do all the things that, mean, you're in prison. And you see a lot and you just, you know, that time I was trying to keep my head down. Really wanna form associations or any of that. Just trying to do my time and keep my head straight so that I can get out. That's the mentality at this point is I just need to do what I need to do to get the hell out of here. So I get sent, I finally get called up. I get sent up north, you know, I do their program, which again, it was. It's a little scary because I, by the time I got called, I was already starting to acclimate to being in prison here. So you start getting into this norm of, yeah, like a flow of the way things go and, you form acquaintances and friendships. And so by the time I got called up north, like I no longer care about getting it. Right. I'm still going to do what I need to do to get out. But at this point, at this point, it's not. Like looking back, and I think I even remember something new. Every intention was going back and doing my time. I was going to get out and do what I wanted to do for a little bit. And then I got arrested and did whatever it was. Because again, when you're in that dark and that space of I'm alone anyway. What does it matter? And now I've gotten comfortable being there. It's not so scary. not so... It's like, okay, I can do what I want. It's not scary anymore. And it's very much that. It's not... It's not scary and I'm alone anyway and what do I have to lose? I'm gonna do what I want to do because nobody gives a shit anyway. again, sorry for cussing but and it's it's it's that feeling of when you're so in the dark you are I mean it's like being in dark room. You don't see or hear or feel and and you get and you get so numb to to all of it that it just doesn't, none of it matters at this point. I didn't care that my parents hated me, didn't hate me, I didn't care that, whatever. At this point in time, it's screw the world, screw everybody, I'm gonna do what I And that, I think, is when you start having those realizations that... when you reach that mindset, it's... that's when people become dangerous. Because now I really don't care about anybody else. And I did. I truly did. I think at that point when I went up north, my mom was finally starting to get to a point where she was, she was willing to talk to me. They went up north to see me a couple of times. But you know, even looking back now, I think at that point I was just more concerned about them putting money on my commissary than anything. Right. So that I could have soups and didn't have to eat the prison food. It wasn't. It was very much just. I was okay with using people around me at that point. I was very okay with... taking and taking and taking and I had no intentions of giving anything back. You just don't care. You just don't care about anything anything. And I didn't. Consequences or... And I didn't. like I said, I fully left there with the understanding that, I'll be back here in a year. Yeah. It's not even gonna And it's fine. Yeah. At this point, I know... I'll just get out and have some fun and... Yeah. Come back. You do. in moments. when you are not. trying to be socially accepted and when you are not trying to be, you know, trying to save face and trying to be that, that alpha that you have to be in this environment. There are moments when you... when you can stop and think of, and I had a few of those moments where I remember sitting at a table. And you know, the compound that we're in, the beautiful scenery. mean, it's up north, it's in the mountains. You see mountains across from you, behind you. You see bears jumping in. it's the mountains. And... I remember having moments where I would sit and write. and just feel. to the point where you start questioning why you're here. Like, why am I even here? and some people may call that rock bottom, don't know. I mean, whatever it may be, you get to this point where you're very much just. you start questioning a lot of... of like what was the intent? why would anybody, and again, I'm an atheist. So I don't believe in God at this point. So it's not even that I'm blaming him for any of this. It's very much just like what is the purpose? and You get lost in those thoughts to an extent. And so into that just feeling of alone and despair and at this point it's not even anger anymore. It's just. what do they call that nihilism, And that's the mentality that I gained in prison. So I finally get called back. I sit in county for like a month or two, long story short, up getting out of prison in September. It was about a year. Once it was all said and think it about a year. So I get out. Instantly within a few weeks get a job working on a glass company Started smoking dope started running and gun Every intention at this point I know that I'm I am going to make the most of it until I get caught and go back I'm gonna try not to get caught, at this point I don't care about getting caught. It's just, I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do until I need to go and serve my seven years or whatever the hell it is. It's... around. It's not even around this, it's at this point in time when I started to try and develop a relationship with my family. And I do, you know. start spending some time with my cousins and we get pretty tight and close, at least a few of us. But hanging out with them, they're kind of high profile. July 4th of 2005, we're partying. Do some dope, do some other. get called into my probation officers a couple of days later. tells me I'm gonna need to take a UA because I got a report that you guys were out doing this and that at the fireworks and you're with a bunch of people and blah blah blah. Again, my cousins are a little bit high profile. They were... At least visible enough that people knew who they were. And I told him, I'm not passing the UA, so do what you gotta do. And I still don't know why. I'm gonna, I mean on this one I'm gonna say that this was God looking out for me. He decides, I'm gonna give you a shot and I'm gonna put you on house arrest. and Whatever dude, like, you know, I don't care. I'm not concerned with you sending me back, let alone if you want to put me in the house, that's fine. It is what it is. So I go home. get put on house arrest. My parents at the time are gone. They come home and they come home to him outside. I have, at that point when I went and seen him, I had been up a few days. So I think I slept for two or three days after he sent me home. Anyways, he comes in and searches the house or whatever and everything's fine. And he he, doesn't find anything like that. At that point I was just like tired. I'm not trying to do anything today, but. but it provides. the opportunity. for me to have some free time. In that free time at home, I started. You know, I'm lonely and I want people to talk to and I don't have a lot of friends. don't have anybody that I really talk to. So I'm scouring my space at the time. I came across your picture. And we looked for that picture the other day. I tried to look for it and I couldn't find it. I don't know how to do it. But I just, the thing that stood out to me was that she had really curly hair. And she just looked fun. She was smiling in her picture. was like a picture of her look like she had a camera in her hand. She was looking down on herself. So I just reached out and tried to spark up a conversation. Like at this point, what am I, what do I have to lose? Right? Well, I think too, like, cause it was like my space days and like online chatting and all that was like. like nobody trusted it, nobody wanted to do it, like... I'm on house arrest, don't have anything to lose, like, probably gonna ignore me anyway. But I think I messaged her, I would say at least three or four times. I'm just kidding I don't know And even... Even in the beginning, I think when we started talking, I still was very much just of the opinion that I'm going back to prison anyways. I might as well be completely transparent. Yeah. Like I don't think I ever once lied about being on house arrest. never lied. No, you were very upfront about this is my life. you having And it was. at that point. I think for me. that I started seeing something positive. Which is... where our story of light and dark comes from. Because for me that that one glimpse of positive was the beacon of light. someone for the very first time I was completely transparent with. I held nothing back. I had no reason to even form a friendship, let alone a relationship with you because I'm of the opinion that I'm gonna go back. So I might as well just tell my story and at least I have somebody to talk to while I'm on house arrest. And. Not once. In the entire time that judgment. Which is given my background, given the environment I grew up with, given the cultural background. just, you know, my family. was not something I had ever experienced because... I tend to be and can be very judgmental. could be my dad, you know, my family. We are very opinionated and judge sometimes to a detriment, right? And you were the complete other end of the spectrum. which was... that beacon of of light, that beacon of positivity that I had. scene eight years, whatever. because I was so into. all of these things that happened to me. Not analyzing the choices that I had made to get to the point that I was at at this point. But it was very much just. I was very self-centered. I had a very... ego which that ego will talk about in later episodes. for the most part been able to work through, it still has presented some problems down the line of our relationship. But it was very, I was very self-centered. I mean, there's no better way to put it. I was a very me-oriented person. which I think happens to a lot of addicts. Things don't happen because of the choices they make. Things happen to them. Yeah. well, and I think too, some of it is also, being an only child, you get some of that because it is just you growing up. You know what I mean? Like everything is about me. Right. I get all the holidays by myself. I get You don't share, I guess, any of that with anybody else. And again, I didn't have the part to brothers until I was like 17, 18. So didn't know any different. And their experience was completely different than my experience growing up. Right. I mean, that also caused a lot of anger and hurt because I saw I visibly saw the difference. Which I mean now I understand, you get older, learn, you adapt, you... But when you're self-centered and when you are... looking at everything in a very negative light, which that I think again, highlights what the dark is for me is all the negativity that you see and that you feel and that you feed on is fueling your innermost thoughts and desires and you get to a point where you're so self-centered about it that that's all you can envision is that. that negative side of every aspect. since we had kids. Yeah, I mean I feel like even up until we had kids, I mean it was still there but I feel like it slowly started to shift. You know, I don't think that you were stuck in one place. I think it was a very gradual up until then. But again, a lot of that is your positivity and your, and like I've said it. time and time again, like you are for me, you are that guiding light, you are that. that one person that one. you know, event that happened in my life that... Completely like I there's there's JR before I met you and there's JR after I met you. Yeah, and that Is a very big deal for me because I visibly see that and understand that. know that that sometimes gets lost on you just based on some of the dark that you've started to end. you know, by me sharing. how I came from dark to light. and then have this one singular moment in time that I can look back on and say, yeah, it's huge. It's one of those things that... allows me to keep moving forward because I do know that while I caused a lot of hurt, while I did a lot of things that I am never going to be proud of and I am never probably going to be able to repay to some people. there, that is a part of who I am and who I was, but that is also a huge part of why I've been able to transform and do and want to do some of the things that I'm doing now. So it's, It's that. for the people that are watching, it's that when we talk dark and light, a lot of the times it's what we're talking about is that negative energy that presents itself in. in your thoughts, your feelings, your, you know, the way you respond to situations and in, you know, how you take in information. which, you know, once you understand my story... And once you understand Dustie's story, which is to come, you know, next episode, next few episodes or whatever, you can really start to grasp our story, you know, before kids and our story. so that people can understand that we're. We have a great marriage and we have had a great marriage. I know that I would not be the person that I am today if it was not for her. and vice versa. We are also very flawed. And even though our marriage is great, we still have situations that arise that are not so great. that do. attract that dark. Yeah. yeah. It can come. I mean it does come in random. But we don't live in it. that's what I've learned from you. That I don't have to live in that. Yeah. That doesn't have to be our marriage. It doesn't have to be our story. You know, it's moments sometimes. but it's not our marriage as a whole. It's not our journey. It's not our lives every day. Well, it's not who we are as people. Yeah. And that's, think. what was lost. for me, for everybody else. which I have been sober now for since. July 4th, 2005. I from you know what I call a heavy drug what I still have drank ice and Can drink I choose not to really anymore Because of that same thing, For me, it's very easy to invite the dark. So it's something that I choose to, if I'm amongst friends and they're having a drink or two, like I may have a drink or two, but it's not. It's not something I aspire to do. And a lot of that is a shift in who I am, just as a person. You hopefully you guys found this a little bit entertaining and have a deeper understanding of what from my perspective. the dark is and where the dark resides. And again, I have seen some very dark. places and seen some very dark times. filled with despair and what I can only attest to being, you know, hell. And I've been to hell and back and I do feel that I am a better person for it. Would I do it all over again? I mean, not that way. Maybe. I think it's good to have the understanding of how dark things can be and what the real world can be like, but it's not anything that I think I would wish on anybody or even think that anybody should go through or needs to go through to understand the light. with that said, wish you guys the best.