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On the kismet of receiving what you need · Conversations with My Walls

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Morgan and this is Conversations with My Walls, episode 4.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Coming up in this episode, the connections we have with people are like snowflakes.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Not only because they're unique,
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: but because some just melt away,
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: while others can be preserved for a lifetime under the right conditions.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: When someone hurts you, you don't always get all the answers.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: This has been my struggle with this breakup.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: While it's not what led me to the bookstore,
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: it is what made me so receptive to what I found there.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was offended by how confused they were at the register.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: For a new age bookshop, they felt challenged by the gender reversal.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: There I was in my poofy white shirt that could have made
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: a modern day Seinfeld episode and my pride fully intact.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I knew what I was buying.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I came back for it.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: I gave it that much consideration.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Earlier, during my first visit that day, the book found me.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: This bookstore is magic.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: The place where a book will fall off the shelf and it'll be just what you needed to read.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: That didn't happen this time though, but it was practically the same sign.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship section had already caught my eye as I cautiously skimmed
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: over titles that made my heart a little sadder.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Calling in the One,
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Love Between Equals.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I moved past it, making my way to the LGBTQ+ section,
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: curious if they stocked anything for the A's.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: As you'd presume, they did not.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: The absence of in-stock books on asexuality as a whole is something I'm going
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: to touch on more in an upcoming episode, so stay tuned for that.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Then there was a sudden change in the books.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: The bright rainbow spines muted.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: The book designs turned black with bronze lettering.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: The section I had landed in definitely had its own vibe.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: The men's section.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Knowledge is the best kind of closure when you can't get answers from the other person.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: While you can't intellectualize healing,
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: you can take the rumination,
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: which breeds fear,
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: longing, all the things you want to stop, and replaces it with curiosity.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's why following your intuition and an open mind can have
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: the right information find you instead of frantically searching for a needle in
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: a haystack.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: It starts with paying attention to the glimmers and the shimmers.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: What I didn't know had already set me up to be standing in front
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: of those brooding-looking books was a series of small wins.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I manifested a free Bisley cabinet that I'd been eyeing for years at The Container Store.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Someone in my building left theirs in the giveaway corner adjacent to
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: the garbage room of all places, and I rescued it.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Then I had the nudge to get a copy of Marc by Sofia, but it wasn't available on Amazon.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Lo and behold,
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: when I went to Garmentory to see if a regional store would ship,
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: the listing I pulled up was for a local shop.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Not just that, one on my side of town.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Things were collectively happening in my favor,
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: even as I still wanted to cry, and did, from missing him so much.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: The quest for Marc by Sofia was actually how I ended up at this new age bookstore,
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: located a few doors up from the shop with it in stock.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: But back to this magical bookshelf.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: The book was the only one leaning at a casual 45 degrees.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: I picked it up, recognizing the author's name from Instagram: Connor Beaton.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: He wasn't the worst,
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: I recalled,
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: but still, I was skeptical with it being a book for men written by a man.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: That said, for every book you read written by a man, you must read something by bell hooks.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't make the rules.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, The Will to Change: Men,
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Masculinity,
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: and Love.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: The title that sucker punches the hope that lives in the center of my chest.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: That is what I have craved from each of my relationships and never experienced.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: The will to change.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: bell got it right from the title alone.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't so sure about this guy, but he had titled his book: Men's Work.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Then as I cracked the spine open, the pages fell to chapter six, Your Relationship with Women.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: "Okay, I get it, I'll give it a scan", I told myself.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: That quickly turned into a page and another page.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was immersed until the next paragraph gave me a jump scare.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: The case study example was my ex's name, the exact spelling even.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: I devoured the chapter with so many ahas.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: His behaviors made so much more sense to me.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: While I still had to decode some of it to apply the specifics of my situation,
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: the core themes were crystal clear.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Men self-sabotage relationships by rejecting a part of themselves,
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: most commonly their feminine side,
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: the side that explores emotion and allows them to receive.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm highlighting the best passage from the book so I won't get disillusioned and return it.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: The author's origin story almost lost me,
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: to be honest,
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: but there are good nuggets inside despite that part sounding like
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: a 90s Vince Vaughn fever dream.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's my favorite line because I think it's the most true thing I've read in a while.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: "Sometimes our biggest sabotage happens when we are getting exactly what we've desired."
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: The self-sabotage of receiving is something I don't think we spotlight enough.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: To be receptive, emotional, and soft.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's in us all just as masculinity is as well,
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: but it's drastically minimized and sometimes downright bullied out of men.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: The "don't be a pussy", "come on ladies" of the locker room variety alone.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: In the HBO show Rooster,
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: which is set at a liberal arts college,
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: there's a series of scenes where Steve Carell's character gets called in
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: for disciplinary action after making offensive comments.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: One of them is while he's stepping into coach hockey,
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: where he advises the team not to play like a bunch of little girls,
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: a sentiment of which he parroted from the town's problematic cop.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: The wound of that insult is salted when Steve brings the team's former coach back
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: to give them a pep talk,
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: only to have him word vomit the atrocious things he did while under the influence.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: The anger this incites in the team allows them to win, violently.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Not the best messaging when The Mighty Ducks taught us the nuance of "soft hands"
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: and Heated Rivalry showed us love.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Where progress is giveth, it also taketh.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Another passage in this book doubled down on making my foggy experience all the clearer.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: It went on to state that a man's frustrations with his partner can be
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: that they possess the qualities the man struggles with most and leads them
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: to push their partner away.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I believe my ability to love and hold space for all parts of my ex made me scary to him.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because I embodied and mirrored to him what he rejected in himself all the more.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm newer to this rat race of seeking deeper understanding of the opposite sex.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: For the purpose of this, I'm focusing on the types of men I've dated.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: What I've seen men get wrong about their feminine side is
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: that they think they're embracing it when they simply experience a feeling.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Whether wanted or unwanted,
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: including not so desired ones like fear,
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: anticipation,
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: overwhelm, Or they just end up intellectualizing it and calling it a day.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: But it's also about what you do with the feeling,
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: how you talk yourself through it, express it, integrate it.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise,
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: the masculine side is going to smash it down,
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: bury it, ignore the pattern that it's trying to show them.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: While nothing about this is a monolith, there's all kinds of fluidity.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not all of it is a quote-unquote problem, but there sure is a lot of stuckness.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: There are many cis het men who aren't in touch with their masculine sides.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's because the world, ahem,
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: the patriarchy,
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: has shamed them for their emotions,
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: and masculinity is so forced upon them that they reject it completely.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen it result in a kind of passiveness that avoids the same actions
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: as rejecting the feminine does.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: The solution is to find a healthy balance between both,
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: but easier said than done for those not there yet.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Men's fashion feels like the perfect fusion of this.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's why I love a portrait I drew of a model from a Dior men's ad so much.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: This model's face is soft and gentle, yet strong and bold.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: In one expression, he holds the feminine and the masculine together.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Fashion is the world where both energies visually commingle consistently.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: I've actually found more fashion inspiration for menswear lately,
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: and not being limited by that binary is the whole point.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's what we as women have craved for so long,
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: from wearing pants to having our own credit cards.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: In the most unfair contrast though,
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: men don't have anyone telling them that they can't have it all, except themselves.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: But us women,
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: oof, it's a lot of external pressure making us choose or guilting us when we don't.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard as a woman to look at a successful man in his career who won't allow
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: for success in love.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I want to scream at them, no one is getting in your way but yourself.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: But it's a lie that's easy to perpetuate.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: My ex's relationship non-negotiable was unbridled honesty,
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: yet he didn't give it to himself or me.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: I still believe he meant all the sentiments,
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: promises, and future planning, but wants and capabilities aren't the same thing.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's another way of saying feminine and masculine.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: The masculine is what we want and go for.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: The feminine is how capable we are of holding space for and receiving it.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's the power of knowledge.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now I feel better equipped to decode what he was telling me all along.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I can do it with the gift of hindsight instead of the unbridled trust I once had.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe if men embrace the culture of manifesting, we'd
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: decondition a lot of that difficulty receiving right out of them.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: And take at least a small step towards integration that smashes
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: the patriarchy like it so deserves.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe if this caught on like their new Roman Empire,
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: the good unique relationships that find men won't melt away in their hands,
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: and will be preserved by the respect and effort
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: that these relationships truly deserve.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Be sure to subscribe on your favorite podcast platform or over on Substack
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: where you'll find subscriber-only perks.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're ready to bring more conversation and art into your life,
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: you can explore my latest art prints at morganlindsaynelson.com,
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: including special releases that are tied specifically to these episodes.
• 12:16
  And in between now and then, take care of your space and conversations, both inside and out.