Latest / WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas / 56. How to Give Feedback

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56. How to Give Feedback · WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so good at feedback now because I used to be so bad at it.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I am making a public apology to the men I used to date and old friends in this podcast.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I am sorry.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I used to be so emotional, so reactive because I did not have the right skills, tools, and scripts on how to give feedback and receive them.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: But once I learned the right communication skills, tools and scripts, my relationships with family members and loved ones deepened.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to move up so quickly in my career and now have my own business because I know how to communicate better.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: And more importantly, I learned how to advocate for myself while ensuring I understood the other party.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because what I've learned, it's not about who's right or wrong.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: And in this episode, I will go over four tools and scripts on how to give feedback because communication is a skill.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Also, how to receive feedback.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: So you can unlearn bad habits, which I had to do, and learn new habits to deepen relationships and advocate for yourself.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: So let's drop the beat.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: So are you going through an identity crisis in your career or life?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe both.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the space and place where you can take the time to reflect and redefine your own definition of success and happiness.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: So get ready to have some conscious conversations about all the things.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now grab your coffee, tea, or boba and let's color your dreams too.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Lead your legacy.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And what a privilege and choice to be there for my parents.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: I remember being a teenager, being bullied, where my parents were there for me, to now having this privilege and choice to take care of them.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it's funny that I'm doing this podcast after seeing my parents because as a first-gen immigrant, let me tell you, growing up, I was horrible at communicating and giving feedback to my parents.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was like the worst teenager who knew how to make my dad cry.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And don't worry, I'm grown.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: I know my wrongdoings, and went through a lot of therapy.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I also grew up in a very reactive and emotional household.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: It might just be because I grew up in the Filipino culture, but it's what I grew up to.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you relate to it, depending on how you grew up, that that was probably what you were taught to communicate.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: And when I went into the workforce, I realized that I could not communicate the same way.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I also found myself quiet and not standing up for most myself like I do now.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: There are even points even in my personal relationships where I would just blow up because I wasn't willing to share how I felt or didn't even know how to share how I felt the right way, unless it was like yelling before.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: So why is providing feedback hard to do?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're like me.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're a woman, a woman of color, part of a marginalized population, who was taught not to try to cause miscommunication, conflict, or fights, just to keep to themselves, not sure how they felt.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it did to make everyone happy in the family or collective group.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And why is providing feedback important to do?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Well, first, it allows you to express and understand what is important to you and what is not important to you.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: For example, it might seem so obvious, but expressing yourself allows you to decide if you're in a safe work environment or relationship, whether it's romantic or bosonic.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you notice you're able to be yourself more with people you feel safe around as opposed to people you're not comfortable with, you can't be yourself.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And when you provide feedback to your colleague or friend or partner, you're able to see if they're willing to hear and listen.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: So both of you could take actions to deepen the relationship.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you make the hard decision to end it for what's best for both you and the other person.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Second, feedback helps improve work relationships and the culture.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: A great work culture is one where people feel comfortable sharing and receiving feedback and being less anxious.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, show more about this in episode 40 why difficult conversations improve our life and work relationships with Erica Corday and India Jackson.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Third, feedback deepens relationships.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, why do you think make up sex happens after a conflict with a partner?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And when feedback is done right and safely, both individuals get to better understand one another.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: You might better understand why you probably react to something that you didn't think was a big deal, and you probably understand why the other person reacts a certain way as well.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get to the juicy stuff.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: So how do we give feedback?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm gonna share with you some four tools and scripts.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: First, ask when the other person is available to have this conscious conversation, which is also known as difficult conversation.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Don't just drop a bomb and give someone feedback.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, I really didn't like what you said yesterday.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, you don't know what they're going through.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: They might have had a bad day.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're winding down, they're about to go to bed.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was just talking to a client and she said, Yeah, I gave feedback to my husband right before he went to go to sleep.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's like he was probably not ready for it because he was winding down after a busy day.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say you do want to have a conversation with someone, ask when they're available.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: So you could use a script.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, first name, our working relationship is important to me.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I love to talk to you more about the conversation that happened yesterday.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: So when is a good time to talk?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Are you free today at 2 p.m.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: or tomorrow at 4 p.m.?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what's great about the script.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're sharing with the other person our working relationship is important to me.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or our marriage, our partnership, our relationship is important, right?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And the next structure of the sentence, I would love to talk to you more about the conversation that happened yesterday.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: So you're letting them know, hey, it took some time to reflect.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I really want to talk about it.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of saying, when are you free?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: which is open-ended, you want to give them two specific times.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Are you free today at two, tomorrow at four?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter what time it is.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's just in terms of psychologically, when you're scheduling something, you want to give people options so it's easy for them to make a decision.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if they're not free, those two dates and times that you gave them, then ask them two times they're available so you can schedule it.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: The second tip and script is use the thank you sandwich.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's a thank you sandwich I actually learned from one of my first coaches and my mentor, my old boss.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And here are two examples that you could use both professionally and personally, professionally.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna just give you the context.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's basically if you have to give feedback to a colleague or a boss about wanting to change the systems of the project.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a script.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: I understand that we've been doing this project like this in the past three years, while at the same time, I've seen these issues come up.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then you list out the issues.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: To solve these issues, here's what I'm thinking, and then insert the list of solutions and why you think it's gonna work.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then end the script with what are your thoughts?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: So let's break down why this works.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: You start off with an I message, and I'm not talking about your phone iMessage, but you're focusing on what you are noticing.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: I, right?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: I understand that we've been doing this project like this.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And if you notice, I'm talking about the project rather than the individual.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: So you're saying I am noticing this about the project.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Third thing is you notice in this script is we use the words while at the same time, right?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I share we've been doing the project for three years while at the same time.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm using while at the same time instead of but because but is a negative connotation, right?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then you want to list out the issues of the process or the project and give concrete examples and data.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then afterwards, you're sharing them to solve these issues.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I'm thinking, and then list out the solutions.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so that you're showing it's not a conflict about whose ideas are better or what's wrong with their idea.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: You want to end the script with, what are your thoughts?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: So then it is a feedback loop and you're involving them in the conversation.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: So let's say we want to use this thank you sandwich with a loved one.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: I actually have one where I use it with a family member because they said a comment that I just wasn't thrilled about.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: And this family member said it at a party.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: So there's other family members there.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And what's important is when you are providing feedback or you're advocating for yourself to do it one-on-one as opposed to in front of the group.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: So this is what I said to my family member.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I know you were joking around when you said, and then I shared what that person said.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, at the same time, I just want to let you know it did hurt me.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I would really appreciate if you stopped saying comments like that.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is why the sentence structure works.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: I once again used iMessages, acknowledging it's how I felt.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I shared what I wanted, the outcome, which is to stop.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, sure, I didn't end the structure with a question.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: It was advocating for myself and sharing that I would like for it to stop.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I share more about the thank you sandwich in episode 47, where I have more scripts and strategies for boundaries and negotiation.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Legacy leader, want more tips and advice for your business, career, and life?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sign up for my gifts and gifts newsletter at ElaineLew.com forward slash join.
• 12:16
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• 12:18
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• 12:24
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• 12:26
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• 12:30
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• 12:33
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• 12:38
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• 12:42
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• 12:53
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• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: All right, the third tip and script on how to give feedback is when you're ending a conscious, difficult conversation, whether it's talking to your partner or coworker, end that conversation with what you think you should do and what the other person should do.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a script.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I heard.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: I will work on this, and then you list it, and you will work on this.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything else I am missing?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: So once again, we are using eye messages of you summarizing what you're hearing that you need to work on, and you're also summarizing what the other person is hearing.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then you are using a feedback loop of hey, is there anything else I am missing?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: So doing this ensures that each party understands how the conversation has ended and which each person is responsible for.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: All right, fourth and final tip take time to reflect after conversations that both did not to go well and did go well.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: In this way, you can see what were patterns of conversations that did not to go well, and what were patterns of conversations you have had that did go well.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to remind you, communication is a skill.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: You could unlearn what was taught from you in the past, and you could learn new ways to deepen relationships that are important to you right now.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to stay conscious and mindful when communicating.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: And when we find ourselves maybe heated and unregulated, wait, pause, take a deep breath until we are more calm and mindful to communicate with the other person.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: So here's my action item and reflective question for you.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: From this episode, from the four tips and scripts, what is one, just minimum of one, tool you can implement from what you heard here?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Is it one, asking when the other person is available to talk when you want to share feedback because you don't want to land a bomb on that other person when they're not ready to talk?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, you don't know how someone else's day went, or maybe they just aren't ready because they're excited to go to bed.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Two, use a thank you sandwich with eye messages.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Share points of where you disagree with a process or project or didn't understand something and focus on that and provide evidence.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Then share solutions and end it with a question on their thoughts.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: So it is a feedback loop, like a circle, and it's an improvement between both parties.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Third, end difficult conversations sharing what you heard you should do and what the other person should do.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: And ask if there is anything else you are missing.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: And fourth, remember communication is a skill.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: So make sure to reflect after conversations that did not go well and did go well, so you know how to improve on it.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I want to end this episode with gratitudes and let's be real.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, therapy.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: And to all my therapists I used to work with.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that is right.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: It is therapist with an S because your girl needed a lot of work.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if you wanna learn more about therapy, whether you need therapy or coaching or both, hey, I got both.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can actually listen to episode 25 or talk about the difference between coaching versus therapy.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Which one do you need?
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: With a good friend of mine who is a therapist, psychologist, Dr.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Nazanan Mawali.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: So that's episode 25.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: And then thank you to my own mentors who have helped me, specifically Bobby Abram, the executive director of Pasany City College Foundation, my ex-boss, forever life coach.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate and love you.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so lucky to have had you as my boss and now friend before I started my business.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: And congrats to you for listening to this.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I remember when I just didn't know.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know communication was a skill.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know you could learn the right tools to communicate with another person.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: So congrats on taking this step on listening to this episode.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: But not only do I want you to just listen, but I want you to integrate, implement, and reflect.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: And this is actually a new thing I kind of want to start doing, whether it's monthly or bi-monthly.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: I want to do more of a conscious conversation segment.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if you really loved this episode, DM me on Instagram at Elaine Lou underscore.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's E-L-A-I-N-E-L-O-U underscore.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you don't use Instagram and use LinkedIn, look for Elaine Lucartis.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: And let me know if you loved it.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because I want to start doing more conscious conversation segments.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: So congrats to you for learning the right tools to communicate, give feedback, and deepen both your personal and professional relationships.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: So if you enjoyed this podcast episode on how to give feedback, here are four things you can do if you feel called to do them.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: One, share this with a friend.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Send them a personal message on how this episode can help them give feedback so they can better advocate for themselves and have better relationships.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: Two, leave a rating and review.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Hit that follow and subscribe button for the Call Your Dreams podcast so more women of color and allies like you can create a life with more conscious conversations and a sustainable career end life.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: Third, want to come to my next Call Your Dreams retreat for career leaders and business leaders on Thursday, October 5th and Friday, October 6th with 13 other amazing leaders.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you could go to elaneloo.com forward slash retreat, where we could help you create your 2024 plan while making sure you reflect on 2023.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then number four, if you would like to see how to work with me and my team to create a more sustainable life where you can be more present with yourself and create your own checklist of success, one that is not created for society and loved ones, then schedule a complimentary legacy, business, and career review call at elaneblue.com forward slash call.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's E-L A I N E L U.com forward slash call.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: Legacy Leader, did you enjoy today's episode?
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: If so, subscribe to the Color Your Dreams podcast and leave a rating and review.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: It goes a long way and it lets other fellow leaders find this incredible free resource.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want more, you can find all the links and information mentioned in this episode in the show notes on my website at elenelew.com forward slash podcast.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's el A I N E L O U.com forward slash podcast.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: All right, legacy leader.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you in our newest episode in two weeks.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: And remember to follow your dreams to lead your legacy.