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INTERVIEW: Shanti Das Talks Have Yourself AMerry LittleGriefmas! & Navigating Grief During The Holidays · The Breakfast Club

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  Speaker 1: Wake that ass up in the morning.
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  Speaker 2: The breakfast Club Morning, everybody's stee j n V jess hilarious,
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  Speaker 2: charlamage the guy.
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  Speaker 1: We are the breakfast club. We got a special guest
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  Speaker 1: in the building.
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  Speaker 3: And it's not silenced the shame day.
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  Speaker 4: I know, I feel special.
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  Speaker 1: We have shanty dies morning.
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  Speaker 4: Thank you. I'm trying to be like you channeling, you know.
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  Speaker 5: And then after I just had that baby, beautiful baby girl,
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  Speaker 5: Thank you.
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  Speaker 1: He has a new book or what do you call it, book,
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  Speaker 1: a pamphlet.
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  Speaker 4: I call a pocket guy, a.
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  Speaker 1: Pocket gocket, pocket guy.
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  Speaker 2: It's called have Yourself a Merry Little griefs uh where.
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  Speaker 2: It's twenty tips for navigating grief during the holiday.
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  Speaker 3: I think this is amazing.
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  Speaker 4: Do you think it's anything else.
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  Speaker 3: I think it's genius and it's and it's the fact
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  Speaker 3: it's a pocket guy. You can just really keep it
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  Speaker 3: in your pocket during the holiday season talk to us
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  Speaker 3: about it.
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  Speaker 6: So I actually God placed it on my spirit to
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  Speaker 6: write it last year, but it was three days before Christmas,
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  Speaker 6: so everything was shut down.
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  Speaker 4: So I literally just had a end of mind put
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  Speaker 4: it up on Amazon.
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  Speaker 6: And this year I was like, I really want to
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  Speaker 6: put it out right and so I kind of re edited,
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  Speaker 6: added a few things, and now it's out. It's twenty tips.
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  Speaker 6: You know, it's no stranger. You know my grief story.
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  Speaker 6: Those that might know my story. I lost my mom
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  Speaker 6: almost three years ago, my sister five years ago unexpectedly,
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  Speaker 6: and then my dad took his own life when I
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  Speaker 6: was just seven months old. I've lost uncles along the way.
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  Speaker 6: Best friend took her own life in twenty fourteen. So, like,
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  Speaker 6: grief has been a part of my life and it
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  Speaker 6: is the greatest equalizer for all of us because we've
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  Speaker 6: all lost somebody, y'all.
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  Speaker 4: And then you look at it.
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  Speaker 6: I was just making notes like, you know, rest in
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  Speaker 6: peace to Clark Kent, you know, and shout out to
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  Speaker 6: his wife and kids. And you know fat Man Scoop
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  Speaker 6: preak away people grieving in Atlanta. So those are just
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  Speaker 6: like the high profile people. But think about the aunties
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  Speaker 6: and the uncles right or that spouse or that child.
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  Speaker 6: People are struggling, and the holidays can be a really,
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  Speaker 6: really tough time. It's supposed to be a joyous occasion
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  Speaker 6: in time, but that's not the case. And grief is
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  Speaker 6: an individual journey, and you gotta give people grace and
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  Speaker 6: space as I say, to feel and heal, and so all.
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  Speaker 5: Of these, these twenty steps, these are what you took
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  Speaker 5: to get through your grapes.
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  Speaker 4: To navigate through that.
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  Speaker 6: Yeah, and again, especially during the holidays, because I love
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  Speaker 6: the holidays.
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  Speaker 4: I'm like a big old kid.
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  Speaker 6: Like my Christmas decorations, I hate to say, was up
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  Speaker 6: in November.
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  Speaker 5: Like I'm that girl, Like yeah, out gives holiday like.
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  Speaker 4: Trying to get some holiday joy.
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  Speaker 6: But it gets to be tough, and I find myself
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  Speaker 6: with the ugly cry at the light, or if a
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  Speaker 6: Christmas song comes on that me and my sister used
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  Speaker 6: to listen to all the time, or my mom it
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  Speaker 6: just takes me back. But I allow myself to go
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  Speaker 6: through those moments. I don't care where I am. It
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  Speaker 6: could hit me now on the show and I'm gonna cry,
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  Speaker 6: and I'll wipe my tears and move on.
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  Speaker 3: Lean into your field. That's your first tip.
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  Speaker 4: That's right.
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  Speaker 1: You know, it's interesting, right.
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  Speaker 3: Because I love your dedication, because you dedicate to with
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  Speaker 3: your sister, your mother, your father, grandmother and uncles and
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  Speaker 3: a few great friends, and you say, I pray your
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  Speaker 3: souls and singing hymes of good holiday cheer up in heaven. Man,
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  Speaker 3: how difficult is it to have that mentality and to
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  Speaker 3: believe that but then also not want to join them?
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  Speaker 3: Oh before your time?
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  Speaker 6: Absolutely, I mean I would give anything to see my sister,
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  Speaker 6: my mom, and my loved ones. But it's my faith.
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  Speaker 6: And it's so crazy, you know how you remember that
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  Speaker 6: one thing you forgot to put in the book. But
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  Speaker 6: last year I coined like this new acronym for grief
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  Speaker 6: and it's sayings for going right into extreme faith. So
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  Speaker 6: my faith is what got me to be able to
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  Speaker 6: even say that, because I do feel like I'm going
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  Speaker 6: to see my loved ones. You know, I believe in
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  Speaker 6: life after death, and I want to make sure their
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  Speaker 6: souls are happy and that you know, they're awaiting me.
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  Speaker 4: But I don't want to leave this.
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  Speaker 6: Earth until it's my time because I still feel like
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  Speaker 6: God has more work for me to do. And you know,
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  Speaker 6: the space that I'm in now, coming from having a
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  Speaker 6: really big career in music, being like the number two
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  Speaker 6: right understeal your own to like now just helping the
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  Speaker 6: culture in the world in a different way, trying to
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  Speaker 6: heal because we're hurting out here and a lot of
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  Speaker 6: people grieve but they don't talk about it, and you
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  Speaker 6: don't have to talk about it, but you need to
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  Speaker 6: talk to somebody about it.
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  Speaker 2: I was going to ask you, you know, only artists
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  Speaker 2: in the music industry, and I know you spoke about
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  Speaker 2: it before, but I'm sure that with everything going on
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  Speaker 2: in the industry, do you think that these artists should
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  Speaker 2: be like I guess the label should force these artists
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  Speaker 2: to do therapy or some type of therapy to make
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  Speaker 2: sure that their mind is right.
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  Speaker 1: I know even in basketball and sports they have therapists
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  Speaker 1: they to talk.
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  Speaker 2: To the athletes and sometimes they say that the athletes
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  Speaker 2: are in their own way, you know, they got to
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  Speaker 2: get things off of their mind before they can start,
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  Speaker 2: you know, going again.
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  Speaker 1: Do you think that it should be the same for
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  Speaker 1: the music adust Yeah.
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  Speaker 6: I often said, like just like you have like spring
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  Speaker 6: training and camp for the athletes, that there needs to
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  Speaker 6: be some type of boot camps. And my nonprofit Silence
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  Speaker 6: for Shame, we have been talking to a couple of
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  Speaker 6: labels trying to do some boot camps, especially for like
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  Speaker 6: rookie artists if you will, you call them rookie artists
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  Speaker 6: whatever it is, but they need to go through a
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  Speaker 6: series of trainings because we don't have insurance. Right, there's
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  Speaker 6: no union for music artists, which I feel like it
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  Speaker 6: should be, a lot of them don't even have insurance.
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  Speaker 6: You know, shout out to Music Cares, who does a
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  Speaker 6: lot in terms of helping people through you know, counseling
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  Speaker 6: and therapy and medical bills and.
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  Speaker 4: Stuff like that. But these labels just when.
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  Speaker 6: They they signed that deal, or even if it's management,
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  Speaker 6: you need to make sure that they're talking to therapists
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  Speaker 6: that they understand whether it's you know, financial wellness, you know,
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  Speaker 6: overall mental health and wellness, how you navigate through the
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  Speaker 6: pressures of it, because that's why so many people end
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  Speaker 6: up either using recreational drugs.
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  Speaker 4: That's a healthy way to cope. And I'm not the
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  Speaker 4: social police.
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  Speaker 6: You know, you can have your drinks or do whatever
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  Speaker 6: is your fancy, but don't use it to cope in
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  Speaker 6: the wrong way. And so then you something like death happens, right,
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  Speaker 6: you lose Big Mama, or you lose a person that
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  Speaker 6: raised you, which will oftentimes happen in underserved communities, and
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  Speaker 6: kids that go on to play in sports or work
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  Speaker 6: in the music industry and become artists, you know, they
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  Speaker 6: lose that one person and then the world really comes
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  Speaker 6: crashing down and they don't know how to process through
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  Speaker 6: that grief. And so I you know, I find myself
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  Speaker 6: living at the intersection of health and culture now that
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  Speaker 6: is where I feel like my place is with God,
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  Speaker 6: and I just want to be able to continue pushing
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  Speaker 6: the culture forward, letting people think about stuff like grief
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  Speaker 6: that you don't normally think.
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  Speaker 4: About and how heavy it can be during the holidays.
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  Speaker 3: I love tip number six reject the notion.
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  Speaker 5: Of that definitely, just looking at that one Celia.
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  Speaker 6: Yeah, and you know, that was my one of the
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  Speaker 6: songs from Prince that I love. But but I feel like,
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  Speaker 6: you know, if we tend to isolate ourselves, that just
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  Speaker 6: makes it worse. But when you're grieving, you really don't
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  Speaker 6: sometimes feel like doing anything. You don't want to be
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  Speaker 6: around someone. So you got to really dig deep from
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  Speaker 6: within and use your faith and use those in your
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  Speaker 6: village around you to allow them into your space, because
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  Speaker 6: you shouldn't be grieving by yourself during the holidays.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, but but then you have like people who really
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  Speaker 5: did they just they can't bring themselves to even be
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  Speaker 5: around family. So like, how do you set boundaries around,
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  Speaker 5: you know, for the holiday season without without you know,
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  Speaker 5: looking like screwge or.
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  Speaker 4: So the flip side of that is you got to
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  Speaker 4: be honest and upfront. You know.
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  Speaker 6: I talk about it like trying to set a plan,
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  Speaker 6: like whether it's right before Thanksgiving or you know, right
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  Speaker 6: after Thanksgiving hits. You gotta tell your family members. Look,
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  Speaker 6: Christmas is gonna look different for me this year. I
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  Speaker 6: might not put up a tree. You know, you might
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  Speaker 6: have to put up one in your room, if your kids,
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  Speaker 6: if you still have family or other people, put it
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  Speaker 6: in your room. But I might not do a big tree,
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  Speaker 6: or we might take a trip. We might do something different.
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  Speaker 6: Maybe we do a staycation or vacation somewhere else. Like
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  Speaker 6: for me, when my sister passed away five years ago,
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  Speaker 6: we were heavy on Christmas. I spent every Christmas with her,
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  Speaker 6: like probably my entire adult and kid life, and so
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  Speaker 6: we used to do the pajamas before pajamas were things.
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  Speaker 6: So I went to London by myself and just spent
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  Speaker 6: the week. And I knew that if I was spending
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  Speaker 6: money to go somewhere, I wouldn't stay in my hotel room.
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  Speaker 6: And it kind of forced me to get out. So
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  Speaker 6: travel can be a really good way and the whole
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  Speaker 6: idea of it is just a change of scenery and
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  Speaker 6: doing something different. La.
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  Speaker 2: I just have one last question. Tip number four, that's
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  Speaker 2: a major tip.
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  Speaker 1: No is a complete en. No.
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  Speaker 2: No, that's a difficult one. And the reason I always
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  Speaker 2: say that's a difficult one is because you got family member.
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  Speaker 2: This is the time where family feels like they can
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  Speaker 2: lean on you the most.
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  Speaker 6: Right.
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  Speaker 1: Bill's a high, gas is high.
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  Speaker 2: They gotta get toys, they gotta get that talk about
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  Speaker 2: that tip.
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  Speaker 4: So it's nothing wrong with saying no.
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  Speaker 1: Because he said that's a major tip.
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  Speaker 4: No, that.
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  Speaker 1: Was crazy.
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  Speaker 3: No, I don't want it. It's way too big.
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  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I.
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  Speaker 4: Know I love you'll, but no.
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  Speaker 6: Seriously, though, no is very important and it may be
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  Speaker 6: offensive to some of your family if you tell them
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  Speaker 6: like I can't do this during the holidays or I
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  Speaker 6: can't lend you that money. But you just got to
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  Speaker 6: be selfish, right, especially during those first few years of
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  Speaker 6: losing someone, and you have to be unapologetic about it,
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  Speaker 6: and and just again going back to establishing the boundary
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  Speaker 6: saying hey, look I can't do what I normally do.
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  Speaker 6: And if you don't understand. I'm really sorry, But over time,
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  Speaker 6: I hope you will understand what I'm going through. Because
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  Speaker 6: until you've walked through someone's shoes, until you until you
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  Speaker 6: have experienced profound loss of a loved one, nobody really
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  Speaker 6: knows what to say, and you just have to, you know,
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  Speaker 6: be comfortable in saying no.
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  Speaker 4: No, it is a complete sentence. I can't go to
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  Speaker 4: the holiday event.
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  Speaker 6: I can't cook the Christmas cookies, I can't do the
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  Speaker 6: gingerbread house, I can't take the trip.
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  Speaker 4: I can't loan you.
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  Speaker 6: A thousand dollars to go Christmas shopping this year, like
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  Speaker 6: my pockets are dry.
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  Speaker 5: And I love the fact that you said it's a
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  Speaker 5: complete sentence because then a lot of people are expecting
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  Speaker 5: for you to say why nah, it's absolutely no, no
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  Speaker 5: I can't.
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  Speaker 6: And when you put it out there early with the
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  Speaker 6: disclaimer and tell them what the plan is and say, look,
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  Speaker 6: I need y'all to do things differently this holiday season.
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  Speaker 6: I'm barely hanging on. And so if you love me,
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  Speaker 6: you will honor how I'm feeling right now.
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  Speaker 3: I'm in my no season, especially financially, and I cannot
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  Speaker 3: tell you how free and it has been it's been
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  Speaker 3: so free. I just can't even describe. It's like I
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  Speaker 3: just got to set the boundaries. It's like, no, I'm
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  Speaker 3: not able to do it right now.
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  Speaker 4: I say boundaries are a blessing.
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  Speaker 5: And then as my last question, Yeah, as far as
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  Speaker 5: social media, would you encourage because I see this that's
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  Speaker 5: not a tip. I know you don't tell people you
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  Speaker 5: know what to do with the social media, but would
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  Speaker 5: you encourage people to stay off of social media?
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  Speaker 4: So again, in the first few years, it can be
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  Speaker 4: really difficult.
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  Speaker 6: I had to stay off social media looking at every
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  Speaker 6: family and their traditions because.
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  Speaker 4: It's just different.
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  Speaker 6: Yeah, we don't wake up and have on the same
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  Speaker 6: pajamas anymore. You know, Christmas is just different for me,
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  Speaker 6: and it's hard looking at other families. And it's not
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  Speaker 6: that I'm not happy for y'all, it's just that it
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  Speaker 6: cuts deep. So I would encourage you if you, you know,
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  Speaker 6: are just losing somebody, monitor the time that you're on
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  Speaker 6: social media because you don't want to find yourself going
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  Speaker 6: down that rabbit hole of comparing your life to somebody
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  Speaker 6: else's life. You know, things happen. Unfortunately, you know, we
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  Speaker 6: are on borrow time. I always say, in this world anyway,
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  Speaker 6: nobody knows the day or the time of the hour,
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  Speaker 6: right that we will pass on and pass away, and
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  Speaker 6: so live in the moment, be present, but protect your peace.
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  Speaker 6: And if protecting your peace means staying off of social
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  Speaker 6: media so that you don't have to watch all the
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  Speaker 6: joy and or the perceived joy, let's just say the
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  Speaker 6: perceived joy from social media that people are going through,
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  Speaker 6: then yeah, give yourself that grace and space and don't
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  Speaker 6: be scrolling.
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  Speaker 3: Where can we find this pocket Guy to tips to
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  Speaker 3: help you find peace in the hollidays?
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  Speaker 6: Yeah, So The Pocket Guy is available on my website
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  Speaker 6: www dot shanty dos s h A n t I
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  Speaker 6: d A s dot b I Z or the e
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  Speaker 6: book is available on Amazon.
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  Speaker 3: I need to buy a bunch of just giving out,
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  Speaker 3: and that's what I've been I've.
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  Speaker 6: Been gifting it, like you know, shout out to several
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  Speaker 6: of my friends, Tracy Baker Simmons and Tita Sita. They
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  Speaker 6: both were like, oh my god, this is such a blessing.
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  Speaker 6: And so I'm praying hopefully some TV show will have
• 11:37
  Speaker 6: you on so I can talk about it and and it.
• 11:39
  Speaker 6: You know, I don't care if you're Black, White, Asian, Jewish,
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  Speaker 6: what you know nationality, background, ethnicity. This book can help
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  Speaker 6: you because again, we all go through grief. It's just
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  Speaker 6: finding pathways forward.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah that's right.
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  Speaker 2: Well, the Shawnty Doss, we appreciate you for joining us always.
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  Speaker 2: And make sure you pick out her pocketbook. Her pocketbooks
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  Speaker 2: sounds crazy, book.
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  Speaker 1: Pocket God Rob, but make sure you pick up my
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: pocket book. It's the Breakfast Club. A shanty does wake
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: that ass up in the morning.
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  Speaker 4: The Breakfast Club
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: H