Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Stealing from Self-Checkout | Marie Faustin | Stand Up Comedy 🎭 🤣🤣😁

Transcript

Stealing from Self-Checkout | Marie Faustin | Stand Up Comedy 🎭 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hi guys.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, backstage.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: They said the crowd was real cute tonight.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Let me see.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Let me see.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, they lied.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: No, when you feel good, you look good, right?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: And when you and when you look good, you feel good.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I always like to keep my nails done.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Look, I like I like to decompainted.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I like to keep my toes done because people like to suck them, right?
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm a really nice person.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: I like to give the people what they want, you know.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm talking about.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: I thought you looked familiar.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: I see you're back with your wife.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: I like to keep my toes done.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: When my toes aren't done, I keep them tucked! You hear me?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: I keep them tucked in.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm very demure.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm talking about?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: But today I was uh I went to get them done today, and uh I had the Berks on because I'm walking to the nail salon, right?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm making my way downtown, and uh somebody's dusty ass dad stopped me.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Ma mama.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's how you know he was old, right?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Ma mama, you are fine from head to toe.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then he went like this.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: He said, from head to ankle.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's how we feel, Cornelius.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy, right?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm from New York, so I'm used to people saying crazy things on the street.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's what happens here.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's a Tuesday, right?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: A couple weeks ago, I was walking up the street, and this guy stopped me.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Wow, I love your hair.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Thank you.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes, be safe out here.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: What'd that mean?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: Be safe from what?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know something?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, uh something about to go down?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do I need to call Olivia Benson?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: What's good?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: I already know what happened if something bad happened to me, right?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: They not sending Olivia Benson.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: They not sending the A squad for me.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: They would send iced tea, right?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: They rightsuola would find my body.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: And he'd be like, oh, she was a stand-up comedian?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I guess the joke's on her tonight.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Dun dun dun dun dun.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: And my dead body's laying there all embarrassed, like.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the world is a crazy place.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's important to do whatever makes you happy whenever it makes you happy, right?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's how I'm living my black ass life.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a really nice person.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you can tell yet, but I'm nice, I am.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: If if you squint, you will see it.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, don't squint, I'ma look like the devil.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm a nice person, but whenever I laugh, people be like, you sound like a Disney villain.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Whenever I laugh, somebody will lean over and be like, Yeah, you sound like you're laughing at somebody who just fell.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: And people do be falling.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Watching people fall in public is my self-care, you know?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Watching someone lose a battle with gravity brings me joy.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: But whenever I laugh, people be like, yeah, you sound evil.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you sound like a villain, which is crazy.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I went to church once and I laughed, right?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: The pastor was funny.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: And fine, amen.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: I said, oh my god, he got tattoos.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Amen.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, the pastor says something funny.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: I laughed.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, the devil is in here today.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: The devil.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: I don't hear it.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: No, I hear it.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not Helen Keller.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um my bad, is it too soon for Helen Keller?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a nice person with an evil laugh, right?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like, on the scale of Regina George to Ursula, I'm mojo jo.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm I'm committing cute crimes, okay?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: That means I look cute when I do crime.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: I love self-checkout, okay?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: I always give myself.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: I always get myself a little treat when I go through this.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: I look right at the camera when I steal.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I be like.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Are y'all paying for stuff at Target?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: They just giving it away right now.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: No, for real.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like they having a C1, steal one sale right now.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: Every time I go, I put everything through as bananas.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's how that's how I got my TV for 15 cents.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Every day is Black Friday at my house.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I'm a really good person.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: More importantly, I'm a black woman.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Can ya can you tell?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Can you see it?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I'ma do black girl things, okay?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: So yes, I will talk to the main character of the movie while you're trying to watch the movie.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I will scream, girl, several times during the movie.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: If the movie's crazy.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, is even if I'm watching a movie about a rat teaching an autistic French boy how to cook, I'm like, girl! All the rats went into the dishwasher to wash their hands, and none of them died.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Girl! And all the rats been eating trash their whole lives, but they can all cook all of a sudden.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: They're all Michelin chefs.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Girl!
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I'm a black woman, and I really wanted a black therapist.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in therapy.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody else?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: None of the men clapped.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: All the men are like, this is my final form.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yuck.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in therapy.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: I used to be every week, but now I'm every other week because I've graduated.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm basically a doctor now.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm in therapy.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: I really wanted a black therapist.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: But the more I thought about it, I was like, mmm, we both gonna be late to the Zoom.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: We both gonna log on, like, you just get in here.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: I've been here.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: No, are you here?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: My laptop dying.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like, no.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: We both gonna be complaining about the man.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: No, my insurance is not paying for that.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: I got a white lady instead.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: Well, because white women, they believe in themselves in this way that's crazy to me.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I would like some of that Dulululemon to rub off for me.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: I too want to believe in myself for no reason.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: So I got a white lady.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: And it's great.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Well, because white women, I don't know where the self-esteem is coming from, but only a white woman could go to the Olympics for breakdancing.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: And not know what breakdancing is.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: She showed up like, oh my god, I could totally do that.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: I knew it was gonna be bad as soon as I saw her fit because the jacket was tucked into the pants.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: I said, what is this, honey?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Are you going to the Olympic Games or the Squid Games?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: Why you look like number 99?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: And the jacket stayed tucked in the entire tucked! It never untucked.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Even when she went like this, it never came up.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: I said, oh my god, it must be a bodysuit.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Crazy.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: She got zero points.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know how bad you have to be at something to get zero points?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: When you take your road test, if you hit somebody, they'll still give you 34 points.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: She ain't even get the dead body points.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's crazy! Do you think she's in Australia right now and she'll never dance again because guilty feet ain't got no rhythm?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Nah, she's in Australia right now, probably teaching a dance class as we speak.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: She down there like this is hip-hop.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's crazy.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: White women, whoo! Crazy.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: There was a girl a couple years ago, a surfer, right?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: A shark ate her arm off.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: She let the arm heal, right?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: It didn't grow back.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: But she let the arm.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: It was a nub, you know.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: She let the nub close, right?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: The nub, the nub closed, and then she went back into the ocean to surf again.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's not crazy to y'all.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone was like, she's so brave, she's so resilient.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: She's another re-word, it's not this.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: It starts with re, but it don't end with zillient.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: A shark bites you and you like, I'ma go back in, bitch.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Are you good?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: If I go to the beach and I think I see a baby shark, do so doo doo-doo, I'm not.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: The beach is canceled.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, because I've quit things for less.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a quitter, okay?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: I will quit.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: I love Trader Joe's, right?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: Last summer I went to Trader Joe's, you know, I'm to get my little produce.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: I fell in the produce out.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't eat vegetables for the rest of the year.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I can't go back there.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to get that Trader Joe's shut down.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I think they trafficking in there.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: I said, you know, I saw Diddy and Eric Adams at the ground was wet with baby oil.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, gotta go see ya later.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.