Latest / She Rose: Women Who Turned Pain Into Purpose / The Quiet Strength of Not Defending Yourself When Criticized | She Rose
Transcript
- There is a specific, hollow sound that happens in your chest when someone you trust gets it wrong about you, and the only instinct you have is to fix it. But what if I told you that the most powerful thing you can do in that moment is absolutely nothing? Let’s sit with that for a second. I want you to close your eyes for just a moment and picture a scene from last week. Maybe it was an email from a colleague that felt sharp, or a comment from a partner that landed like a stone in still water. You read the words, and instantly, your body tenses. Your jaw tightens. Your mind starts racing through a list of defenses, explanations, and counter-arguments before you’ve even finished processing the emotion. This is the reflex to repair. It is wired into us as women who are taught to be peacemakers, to be helpful, to keep the harmony intact. We believe that if we explain ourselves clearly enough, logically enough, passionately enough, the other person will finally see us correctly. We think that clarity is a gift we give to others to prevent misunderstanding. But here is the truth that took me years to learn, sitting in mediation rooms watching couples tear each other apart with facts: clarity is not always the goal. Sometimes, understanding is enough. And sometimes, defending yourself is actually blocking that understanding. When we defend, we are essentially saying, 'Your perception is wrong, and I need you to change it so I can feel safe.' But safety doesn’t come from being right. Safety comes from knowing that you can hold space for discomfort without crumbling. The crack is where the light gets in, but only if you don’t rush to patch it up with excuses. Think about how exhausting it is to constantly curate your narrative for everyone around you. We carry this heavy backpack of justifications, hoping that if we add one more item—another reason, another context—the person listening will finally drop their own baggage and see our side. But here is the hard part: you cannot control what they hear. You can only control what you offer. I remember a time early in my career when I made a mistake on a project that affected my team. My first instinct was to write a detailed memo explaining the technical constraints, the timeline pressures, and the miscommunication that led to the error. I wanted to prove that I wasn’t careless; I wanted to prove that I was doing my best under difficult circumstances. I spent hours crafting that defense, rehearsing it in the mirror, preparing to deliver it with perfect calm. But then I stopped. I realized that my defense wasn’t really about the project. It was about my ego. It was about protecting my image as a competent, reliable woman. If I sent that memo, I would be asking them to validate my character rather than address the problem. And that is a trap. When we defend, we shift the focus from the issue to ourselves. We make the conversation about our innocence rather than our impact. And that is rarely where healing or progress happens. So, what does it look like to listen without defending? It looks like silence. It looks like swallowing the urge to interrupt and instead letting the criticism land, fully and completely, without filtering it through your own fear. This is incredibly difficult because criticism often feels like an attack on our worth, not just our actions. But there is a difference between who you are and what you did. Let’s say someone says, 'You were late again, and it’s disrespectful of my time.' A defensive response is, 'I’m sorry, but traffic was terrible, and I had to pick up your mom’s prescription first, so I didn’t have a choice.' That response might be true, but it invalidates their feeling of disrespect. It tells them that their experience doesn’t matter because your circumstances were harder. A non-defensive response is simply, 'I hear that you feel disrespected. I am sorry that my lateness caused that feeling.' Notice that I didn’t mention traffic. I didn’t mention the prescription. I acknowledged their pain. I validated their reality. In that moment, I chose connection over correctness. I chose to let them feel heard, even if it meant carrying the weight of their anger for a while. And guess what? Usually, when people feel truly heard, the anger dissipates. They don’t need to shout anymore because they know you’re listening. The defense mechanism dies when the need for validation is met. We often defend ourselves because we are terrified that if we admit fault, we will be seen as imperfect, and therefore unlovable. This is the lie that perfectionism tells us. It whispers that we must be flawless to be worthy of respect. But authenticity is far more attractive than perfection. People connect with your humanity, not your highlight reel. When you stop defending, you are actually showing immense strength. You are showing that you are secure enough in yourself to handle feedback without shattering. You are demonstrating that your self-worth is not contingent on being right in every interaction. This is radical patience. It is the ability to sit in the discomfort of being misunderstood without rushing to fix it. It is trusting that the truth has its own momentum, and that you don’t need to push it forward. It’s okay to be a work in progress. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to be the person who gets it wrong sometimes. In fact, owning those moments with grace builds more trust than any perfect performance ever could. When you admit, 'I messed up,' you invite the other person to lower their guard too. You create a space where vulnerability can flourish on both sides. That is where real intimacy begins—not in the debate of who is right, but in the shared acknowledgment of who we are. If this feels overwhelming, start small. You don’t have to master non-defensive listening overnight. Here is a practical step you can try today. Next time you receive criticism, whether it’s gentle or harsh, count to three in your head before you respond. Use that pause to check in with your body. Are your shoulders raised? Is your stomach tight? Take a breath. Drop your shoulders. Let the air out. Then, ask yourself one question: 'Is this person trying to hurt me, or are they struggling to communicate a need?' Often, criticism is just a clumsy attempt at expressing pain. If you can see that, your defensiveness softens. You stop seeing them as an enemy and start seeing them as a human being who is hurting. Then, simply reflect back what you heard. 'It sounds like you’re frustrated because...' or 'I understand why that felt dismissive to you.' You don’t have to agree with every word they say. You just have to acknowledge their perspective. This doesn’t mean you accept abuse or unfair treatment. Boundaries are essential. But within healthy relationships, the power lies in your ability to remain calm and present when challenged. That presence is a gift. It stabilizes the room. It shows that you are not fragile, but flexible. And flexibility is a form of resilience that lasts longer than rigidity ever could. I want to leave you with this thought. Every time you choose not to defend yourself, you are planting a seed. You are planting a seed of trust, of humility, and of deep emotional maturity. It might not feel like victory in the moment. It might feel like you are losing ground. But beneath the surface, roots are growing. You are building a foundation that can withstand future storms because you are no longer afraid of the wind. Remember the episode we talked about regarding small steps? This is one of those steps. It is not a big leap into enlightenment. It is a tiny, quiet choice to let go of the rope you’ve been holding so tightly. Let the rope fall. See what happens. The world won’t end. Your relationships might actually deepen. You might find that people respect you more when you are honest about your limitations than when you are busy proving your competence. Be gentle with yourself as you practice this. You will slip up. You will defend yourself when you meant to listen. That is part of the process. Forgive yourself quickly. Return to the pause. Return to the breath. Return to the belief that you are whole, even when you are being critiqued. You are not defined by the opinions of others, nor by your reaction to them. You are defined by your capacity to love, to learn, and to remain open. And that is a strength that no amount of criticism can ever take away. Thank you for sitting with me in this quiet space today. Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers right now. Just keep breathing. Keep listening. And keep trusting that you are exactly where you need to be. I’ll be here next time. Until then, be kind to your heart.