Latest / The Living Loss | Navigating Invisible Grief & Identity / Multiple Losses & Life Timelines: Grieving the Future You Planned w/ Kristy Halvorsen 2|03
Transcript
- Cassandra, LMHC: Hello friends, I'm Cassandra. Daiana, LMHC: And I'm Daiana Bernard. Cassandra, LMHC: And as licensed mental health counselors, we're unpacking the quiet, complex griefs that don't come with a funeral because you can't heal what you don't acknowledge. Daiana, LMHC: Welcome to the Living Loss Podcast. We're so glad you're joining our conversation as we name these losses and create a meaningful path forward together. Please subscribe and share this episode with a friend. It helps us grow this community and reach others who need to know that their grief is valid. Let's dive in. Cassandra, LMHC: We talk about quiet losses on this show. And today we're looking at the type of living loss that can happen when life keeps on life and sometimes takes you by surprise. Most of us expect grief to arrive when someone dies. What often takes us by surprise is how grief can quietly accompany so many of life's changes. It can appear in a caregiving journey, in leaving a place we once called home, in the ending of a chapter. Or in realizing that we no longer recognize the person that we used to be. Grief has a way of showing up where love, meaning, and identity have been very deeply rooted. Daiana, LMHC: Today we have the honor of speaking with a nomadic world traveler, a mentor, certified coach, and author of the recently released book Perfect Unfolding, she brings with her today a message of whether your wander takes you across continents or simply to a new understanding of your own heart. Know that every step, even a painful one, is a part of the perfect unfolding. Please join me in welcoming Chrissy Halferson. Kristy Halvorsen: Thank you, Cassandra and Daiana. Great to be here. Daiana, LMHC: Okay. Cassandra, LMHC: Welcome, Christy. We're so pleased and excited to have you here with us today. Kristy Halvorsen: Me too. Cassandra, LMHC: I know that within the writing of your fantastic book you covered a lot of ground regarding change, loss, grief, joy, all of the things. There there was a lot of really deep seated emotions in there. I am curious though as to what has happened in the last year and a half or so since finishing your novel. Could you tell us a little bit about what's been going on for you? Kristy Halvorsen: Yes, it's been it's been about the the hardest year and a half of my life for sure. so the book I actually finished writing the book a year and a half ago, actually right right when the tough spot began. But then the editing journey takes a few months. I was supposed to originally release my book in September, but a year and a half ago in January, my mother her she's had cancer for a long time, stage four. she was a miracle. She she joked around that she way outlived her expiration date by over a decade. but yeah, a year and a half ago is when things started going downhill. And so I I just knew I needed to you know stop my traveling and and be with her. So and then just be on the caregiving journey, it was hard to continue my job and then continue the book process. So I delayed my book launch. It was supposed to launch in September. And I and I really didn't know how long mom was going to be around and and I just decided that wasn't important. So I thought I'll Daiana, LMHC: Mm. Kristy Halvorsen: delay it until 2026. and then mom continued to get worse. She went into hospice just after Thanksgiving. And then she passed away 30 hours before the the book launch, Daiana, LMHC: Mm. Kristy Halvorsen: which was really difficult. So not only that, but the lead up, because she was she was not doing well, of course, the last several weeks. So it was a struggle for me to like what do I do? Because I really to me my mom was more important than any book, and at the same time, I needed to let it launch. So I Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: did. And so it just I didn't give it the attention. I didn't it it you know I I I mentioned to you guys I actually never celebrated it. It didn't feel like anything worth celebrating. and then on top of that, I had a relationship that it was it was it was more incredible than I ever could have imagined being in. And and that ended too in in that same period of time. and then just a month ago, one of the other very important people in the book passed away as well. And Daiana, LMHC: Mm. Kristy Halvorsen: then on top of that, leaving my mom's house in in in March. So I stayed there and kind of helped settle everything and get things straight. and like everyone says, when someone passes, you don't make any big decisions in a year. So me and my brother decided to keep the house and decide what we're gonna do with that. you know, this winter. So when I I left the house in March and and then there's that. There's leaving the space I'd been for a year and a half with my mom. And it's all the silent grief, you know, like people have kind of heard about my journey. I have a newsletter and I I did two newsletters after mom passed and then I just stopped. But people knew what was going on. But I think Like even my my dear friends knew I was sad, but everybody thought I was sad because of mom's passing, which I was. But there Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: was just so many other griefs going on that just one on top of the other that nobody actually understood Daiana, LMHC: huh. Kristy Halvorsen: just the depth in the the feeling in the invisible griefs. And so that's why I was so excited to be in conversation with you because I didn't either. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah. Kristy Halvorsen: until I lived through this myself, I didn't have the the foresight to see in my friends and family, even people I didn't know, that are grieving through things that hardly anybody else even knows happening. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. There are so many layers to grief when you lose a person. you were talking about like your relationship with your mom, you as a daughter, but her as your friend, and just who you are because of her. And when she's gone, you miss her, but then it's your identity. And there are different pieces of your identity that shifted. Can you tell us more about like? Like you said, when we are in it, we don't know but what was going on for you if who you were. Cause you have tell us even a little bit about your life. Cause you live a Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: a very beautiful life that is just I read part I've I'm still reading your book, but it's just like this hunger for life and connection and just outside of s the way we were taught to live, basically, Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: right? Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah, so th I'm glad you asked about that 'cause nobody really knows me. They don't know my story. so in two thousand seventeen I took a big leap. I was I was a firefighter paramedic and I've been doing that for, you know, fourteen, fifteen years and I had a regular three bedroom, two bath house. I I lived a fairly what you would call a normal life. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: And I just was drawn to leave my job, sell my house, sell pretty much everything I owned that didn't fit in my truck and trailer and just leave. And it wasn't like I was running away from anything. I truly just wanted to just go see the world. And I had some health problems that came up and it was a wake up call. That I was planning to do this when I retired, and I thought, I don't know if I'll make it till when I retire. And if I do make it to when I retire, I don't know if I'll be physically well enough to do what I wanna do. So in my mid-30s, I was just like, I wanna go live. I wanna live my dream now. And so I did. I sold everything and hit the road, and I've been living solo in my older Airstream and truck. And what's also interesting is I I realized I don't like campgrounds. So I set up my rig for off grid living. So I just I can go off grid and live indefinitely. I say my my trailer's like a flower. Her name's Cottie and she just needs she needs sunshine and some water. And other than that, we're pretty set. And so, Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: so the life I live is unlike, I mean, I don't know many other people that do that, that go out way out in nature and just enjoy being in nature. And I still work, you know, I meet clients on Zoom, so it's not like I'm just out there, you know, watching the birds. I do that, but I work. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: And the other fun part is I don't plan where I'm going. I literally listen to the tickles of my soul. So when I'm traveling, Daiana, LMHC: Hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: I don't have reservations. I don't have plans ahead of time. I just kind of go somewhere until I'm drawn to go somewhere else. And I migrate with the seasons because it's hard to live off of solar alone in Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: extreme heat or cold. So I go north in the summer and south in the winter. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: So I've been doing that for I'm in my ninth year of doing that. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: and I and I I had this big epiphany and I just I didn't feel lonely at all. Like, and I really I had this like deep knowing. It kind of felt weird to admit, but I'm like, I don't think I'll ever be lonely again the rest of my life. I think it's impossible. And I haven't Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: been, but I tell you what, like you said, my mom was more than my mom, she was my best friend. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: And I realized once she was gone, how much I communicated with her. You Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: know, like I I wasn't with her much. I'd make sure to go home for the holidays. So I was with her Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's. But other than that, like I would bring her on trips, but most of my time I was away from her. But she was always a text or a phone call away. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: So I can say I still haven't been, quote, lonely, but there's this ache in my heart because. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: This has been a shared journey. And that's the invisible grief. Because I love my mom and I miss her. And at the same time, I didn't realize how much I shared with her until there was no one on the other end of the text. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: So yeah, so that's that's part of the invisible part. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Cassandra, LMHC: We talk a lot about disenfranchised grief in this podcast and that's the grief that others might not recognize because they don't necessarily see it as the same sort of grief as what they're experiencing. There's a lot of comparison that happens with that. this will often leave caregivers and those left behind that are dealing with the the empty text and things like that feeling unseen and isolated. Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah. Cassandra, LMHC: I was just curious as to how are ways that we've kind of like worked with that? Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah, I mean when you said that I you know there was a point because I love taking pictures. I just recently got a real camera so for almost ten years it's been with my phone, but they're pretty fabulous pictures from what I hear. And and so I share some on social media, but that was nothing compared to what I would you know, I just take silly pictures and text my mom anytime. and I I remember even being when I was because I was at her in her neighborhood at her house for about a month and a half after she passed, and I would go on walks, and it was in the country, and then there, you know, a bird would come or a pretty flower and I'd go to take a picture, and I was like, What am I even taking pictures for anymore? like they're just gonna sit on my phone. Cause it's not like I'm gonna go and share a picture of a flower with the world. I would normally do that and share it with mom. and I remember just walking and crying and have a conversation with my friends and I'm like, I don't even know why I'm taking pictures anymore. Like, for what? You know? it's seems silly. even now I'm looking back and I'm like, you know, I for a while I stopped taking pictures and then I was like, there's there's more to share than just with mom, you know. So so I'm back to taking more pictures again, but But for a while there in the midst of that grief, I was just like, why am I even doing this? why am I stopping on a trail to take a picture of a flower? I can just look at the flower. I'm not gonna share it. Who am I gonna send a picture of a flower to? That was mom, you know. So I think to me, near the end of the book, I can't remember the exact line, but I said, you know, I said something around people say time heals. But I feel like that gives time too much credit. I I don't think it's time at all. I think it's what happens. and it might take me X amount of time. It might take somebody else QRS amount of time, So it's not really the time. It's a it's an understanding. It's it's a realization. It's a settling into this different normal. And people think it's time, but it's not. It's it's all the other stuff that happens while we're continuing to live and to find our own way. And I and I don't think there's a way. You know, it's like my mom lost her her love of her life, my stepdad, in in summer of 2020. And she had some grief books. You know, so here I am grieving her, and I'm like finding her grief books that she had bought for herself, and I'm reading them, and they were they were okay. they were they were fine, you know, but I think through my journey, I've just realized it's really a personal journey. And you can have helpers and you can have friends, but it's it's all your own, you know, and and and I I can empathize with someone else better now, now that I've been through it, but I never know what they're going through. And I can be a shoulder for them and I can be a listening ear, but I can't actually help them. it's something that you have to go through yourself. Daiana, LMHC: I I do remember in your book where you said that you were a firefighter. I'm like, and as you're talking, I'm putting together that c the culture of firefighters is so unique and so specific. And that is a culture unless like you're in it, you don't know. And there is a like there is a type of like a brotherhood or like these unsaid things between firefighters. You see a lot. You go through a lot. It's a very specific lifestyle. And you followed your intuition, your gut to say, this chapter is over. And that connection with your mom was also so specific and so just organic and natural. But then her leaving was not part of it. That was not a choice. That was not you following your gut. So it's just not everything is halted. who you were becoming and just being this free spirit now was just like that spirit, the essence of your life was just changed. and I agree with you and I love that you said that about time because I don't believe that either, that time heals. It's it Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: in in our journey is who we're becoming because of these things, because of things that that enter your life, things in people and and When it leaves. Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah. Yeah. And you know, I on the same topic as kind of that the time thing, I, you know, I've of course we all grieve different things. That's that's what your podcast is about. It's not necessarily just people dying or leaving. It's there's so many different types of grief. So every human has experienced grief of all different sorts. And I just assumed like a a big a big grief, like all the griefs I mentioned when we first started, they're kind of just piled together. I thought it would be like a a a nice gentle slope down, like Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: b like it all happened. We're at the peak of it, and then it would go down over time. That's that was without thinking about, that's what I thought would happen. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: But what I noticed happen was like. I thought peak grief would happen end of January. my grief was a bell curve. Like I didn't even have a clue of what was coming. It just felt Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: like it kept ramping up and ramping up and like getting getting more intense and more intense. And I and I think it peaked somewhere in, late March, early April. And then I'm definitely on the downslope of the bell curve now. And settling in and and seeing life differently than I did a few months ago. But even that, I was so surprised that the grief felt like it grew for over a month, maybe almost two months. It just kept growing. Daiana, LMHC: Yes. Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: and I was just like, What is happening? Why am I so sad? And you know, you Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: get to this place where you're just beyond the pictures, like, what am I even doing? Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: one example, I was I went camping with some friends, and they're people I'd camped with before. And I remember sitting around the campfire, like, why am I even here? They're talking about such shallow bleep, you know? And Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: I would and I was gonna I was supposed to be there for three or four days, and the first night I was just like, ugh, get me out of here. And thankfully, a really wise friend, I just kind of shared like I don't know why, but I mean I don't even want to be camping with my friends. And they're not horrible people, but these conversations are just shallow. And he's and he was so sweet. He called me and he goes, I think I know what's going on. you're just in a whole different place. the their conversations probably aren't actually shallow. You're just in a space. Of I can't even remember the words he used, but it was it was true. It was like you're in this deep, like almost ethereal space that just regular worldly stuff is just you don't even have a taste for it anymore. And Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: he's like, this is actually a good sign. And your friends aren't bad people. Daiana, LMHC: mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: it's just the space you're in. You're in a different, you're in a different realm right now. And and even though you're grieving, it's actually a really beautiful realm to be in, Just the worldly stuff just looks like, why are we even talking about that? Which it I realized he was right. And on honestly, I was thinking, what was wrong with myself? What's wrong with my friends? They all sudden got so shallow. And my friend was really helpful and was just like, no, it's just where you're at. And so that's another perspective to take is that realizing how we experience life, how we experience what's going on, the people, the places, the happenings in the world. It's it's filtered through the glasses we're looking through, Daiana, LMHC: true. Cassandra, LMHC: it takes a completely different shift of who you are as a person too, because you had this expectation going in, I'm gonna go spend time with my friends and then it didn't meet that expectation and we had to turn it in and figure out the why. And there was a lot of different experiences in your book. I could see where you had almost like this existential awakening towards the the beginning of your travel. I think you said within the first year you just You just cried because it's almost like you were letting go of a version of yourself that you thought that you needed to be. And then move into the next seven years of your life and the next nine years of your life, you're you're becoming this additional individual that you didn't know you could be. Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah. Cassandra, LMHC: And then the grief of turning that into the caregiving role and all the different hats that you've worn over the last however many years. There's so much Joy but also loss in those changes. I was just kinda curious as to how that manifests for you and how you work with that. Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up because the year and a half of caregiving, I wanted to do that. I don't and I and and a lot for a lot of the time, mom was fine. Like we're we're going to the grocery store and even taking a few short camping trips, She was she was doing relatively well. She she didn't leave the trailer much, but she was able to be out and about. It wasn't like she was bedbound. But I I felt bound. there was there were several times where mom and I just sat together and cried. Because there was things in my life that any other time would have been different. I feel like that's one big reason the relationship just didn't make it, because I I couldn't leave. Like I couldn't go and and be there and be in that. And then and honestly, you all know I'm sitting in this beautiful farm in New Hampshire. And I was invited to come and do what I'm doing now last summer. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: And I was just like, I need to be there, but I can't, you know. So I flew up a few times for a week or two here and there, but it was a completely different experience than actually taking my airstream and living here. so between the relationship and between this, like potentially the rest of my life, like what like building that. It was it was really hard. And I knew what I wanted to do and I knew what I needed to do. And that was be with mom. And yet I just I had to let go of so much, even the book, I Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: felt like I had I had mom, I had my work, I had the book, I had the farm, I had my relationship. And I finally was just like, let go of all, you know. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: And really the only things I I held on to was mom. And then I still from afar was working on the farm. And then the book, even though I let a lot of that go, I was like, this is the important part. So like even this is the first time in in ten years that I had a big loss in my business because I even Daiana, LMHC: Mm. Kristy Halvorsen: my work, I was just like, it's not important. I'll rebuild Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: it when I have time, you know. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: So there was a lot of letting go. it's almost like the more we get into the conversation, I'm like, wow, there was there was so much more letting go that I even even fathomed when we first, spoke about having this conversation. It was just, there was so much just Releasing, I guess, is a good way. Like, Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: and to me, that that's an important thing to realize is like I knew what I wanted and needed to do. And for a long time I tried to keep everything together. I tried, I was bit burning them in eye oil, trying to juggle all of this. And the the further it got, the further I was just like, I can't. And Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: that's gonna go, and that's gonna go, and that's gonna go. Daiana, LMHC: It's hard for us to let go. I think that's a common experience. It's so difficult for us to let go. I would love to hear what happened in your experience. What happens when you let go? Kristy Halvorsen: Well, like I remember, you know, one one moment I remember is because again I was supposed to launch my book in September and I and my publishing partners in in the UK and I was I couldn't sleep. I was like so stressed because there were so many things I had to get done. And I remember just texting her or emailing her and saying, Can you can you get on a call? And we got on a Zoom call and it's pitch black dark in Florida. It's like three or four AM and it's morning time there. and she got on and she could see me. I was already crying and I was just like, We gotta just stop. we gotta kill the book for now. Like just can't Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: launch in September. You know, this was I don't know, it was just a month or two before September. I was like literally just crying, because I put my heart into this for almost two years. I was just like, we can't. there's there's just it's impossible. And so I cried and she was like, it's okay, we'll pick we'll push it out. Till 26 sometime, we'll figure it out. Like she was so caring and like, yeah, I know this is the best thing. And then my mom happened to be awake when I got off the call. and I went and crawled in bed with her, and she's like, and I told her I was gonna do it. She's like, Do it? Yeah. She goes, Well, that must feel good. And yeah, it's the grieving thing. I cried and I grieved. I'm like, this part of my heart, like I was so looking forward to this, and we're stopping. And so I had the big cry, and then I've crawled in bed with mom, and she's like, that must feel good. I'm like, I'm sad, but my gosh. Like I just feel like 10,000 pounds got lifted off my shoulders, so letting go even has is a very it's a it's a delicate thing because there are parts that are sad, and then there are parts that are just pure relief. And to me, that's I I have a saying, and if you're reading my book, you know it's the follow the tickles of your soul. And that's just my special way of saying following your heart or your intuition, your gut, whatever you want to call it. I like Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: calling it the tickle of my soul. But to me, what anytime you get that like it's like a green flag, like, honey, you've just followed the tickles of your soul. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: deep down inside, you knew what you needed to do. And you just fought it for months. And yeah, it was sad, but this is that your tick your soul was tickled and and You're just finally catching up and now it's time to rest, you know. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Cassandra, LMHC: everything that you've kind of outlined for us, so far has led me to thinking about the idea of complicated grief where you're not only mourning the relationship, the loss of your mom, the the delay of the book, all these different things, but also like the hopes and the idea and the future plans that you already had and all the different things that you had laid out. for yourself up to this point. Now the the neat thing though about your nomadic nature is that everything is always changing and everything is always different and everything as has come and been available to you as it was needed. So having had those experiences, how does that better prepare you for looking for the tickles of your soul and adjusting and adapting to those things and letting go of the hopes that we saw in the future and being willing to be pliable around Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah, well, good point. I mean, I feel like I've been on a an an almost nine year crash course and welcoming the unknown. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Cassandra, LMHC: Mm. Kristy Halvorsen: you remember back in COVID when everybody's like, we we all just have to embrace the unknown, you know, like it's so unknown. And unknown was this like term. And it's I it was like funny to me because I'd been talking about the unknown for years before. Cassandra, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: And I was just like, guys, you're a little confused. Like Life in its entirety is the unknown. You all just thought you know what was gonna happen next week until you got, sequestered in your homes. everything is unknown. And as humans, we've been taught to predict the future and set goals and blah, blah, blah. And and then we get really upset and stressed out, and you name it, when this imaginary future that we predicted doesn't happen the way we wanted it to. and I think that's been one of my most incredible learnings through this nomadic way I'm living when I don't really know what's sometimes I don't even know. It might be twelve o'clock in the afternoon. I stop for lunch and I'm like, I have no clue where I'm gonna sleep. I mean, I know I'm gonna sleep in my bed, but I don't know where I'm gonna park my house, you know? And and it's just an it And and it's no big deal. it's really not, you know, and and that and that goes like that because I've learned to live purely in the unknown, which to me it looks like all of life is that, I've just gotten really cool with what people would look at me and think like, you roll with the punches or you surf the waves, and I'm just like You know, I get stuck in my head sometimes. I predict the future when it doesn't happen, I get sad or stressed. But more often than not, I'm just like, I don't know. It's all gonna unfold perfectly. I'm just along for the ride, you know? all the things I've understood and realized about life and who I am and who all we all are has have really played a beautiful part in in being as open as possible to the unknown. I remember I I came up here for a big meeting in February to New Hampshire at the farm. And my mom had only passed a few weeks before. And one of my good friends that's also on our kind of design planning team for the farm. I just asked him to have a heart to heart. And I just remember we were sitting in his car and and I was just crying. And I was just like, I don't even know if I want to come up here anymore. Like why? I don't even, you know, I don't want a job. I I I wanna live in nature and I wanna and have a lovely life, but I don't even know what we're doing here. I don't I felt like I didn't have a family anymore. I was like, I don't have a family, like I'm just I'm by myself, I've lost the love of my life, I've lost my mom. I don't want to talk to contractors on how to build a farm. and he and he was so cool. I've had I have so many beautiful friends because he was just sitting there and he was like, I have a feeling this where we're sitting right now is the beginning of maybe you're forever. come here. You've got us. We're your family. And you've got all these incredible people that live in this small town. He's like, just stop trying to think about what's gonna happen. it's my own, it's my own lesson. He's like reflecting back. He's like, stop trying to figure out what's gonna happen in a month or a year from now and just come. and see what happens. But he just kept saying, I have a feeling this is your invitation. Like just come and be. And it's and it's lovely because I share that because even I forget what this is like if I had a gospel, this is what it would be, living in the unknown. And but Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: when grief takes hold, everything narrows. It's almost looking through a zoom lens. Where normally you're like seeing everything and then you go into grief and it's like you've you're looking through a pinhole. And and and I've just I forgot who I was. I forgot how to live in this free space. And thankfully, life, the universe, God, and my friends were there to kind of hold me and walk me through until my Zoom lens opened back up again and I could see clearly. Daiana, LMHC: There's so much surrender in putting your life on hold or feeling like it's on hold, letting go, knowing where you're gonna s that you're gonna sleep where you're gonna sleep, but not where you're gonna park, but not spending your day thinking about where where you're gonna sleep, you know, Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: and trusting yourself and that things are gonna work out and and there is this here like just this belief and faith in you that things will work out. So now because you know that, now you're gonna just live differently. Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah. Yeah. That's the name of the book. You know, the the name of the book is perfect of folding, mainly because I used to I had been saying that for years, all the time. You know, and you gotta be gentle, because when somebody's grieving, you can't just walk up and say, I know it's sad right now. But There'll be a point when you look back and you'll realize this is the perfect unfolding. nobody wants to hear that ever. So it's not like I'm out there saying that, but like just in really gentle ways, like just in people I talk to, whether it's through my work or just friends, I love even sharing about myself and saying, there's times where I thought, this is awful. And we can all look back at life and see times where we just thought things were going. off the rails. And then whether it's a month or two months or 10 years later, we can look back and be like, my gosh, I get it. I know why I went through that. I know why this happened. And to me, if if we were able to float up metaphorically and be able to see all of time from from forever before to forever in the future. And and then see our little life, like and what's going on and even in the world right now. It'd be like a tiny little blip of that. And we would look and we'd go, I see. Because you can see the big picture and you're like, I see why all that's happening. And maybe it's centuries later, but you would like you would be like, I understand. This, it is the perfect unfolding, you know? And so that and and I don't want anybody just to blindly believe that. I want, you know, experience for yourself like Like look deeply in that direction if you're curious. But for me, it's a deep knowing. And so yeah, even when things are really, really hard, I can cry, I can be sad, I can be, you name it. And I and deep down I can be all that and feel all that, but I know that this too is part of the perfect unfolding. I just don't understand how or why yet. And there is, there's just such a peace, there's like an underlying peace in in knowing that. Cassandra, LMHC: Speaking of perfect unfolding, would you like to tell us a little bit about your book while we're here? Kristy Halvorsen: Sure, sure. So so the book is Perfect Unfolding, Seven Years of Life-Changing Solid Adventure, one year that broke me open. and like I said, now years later, I'm in the ninth year, but But I I wanted to write the book in a way, because it's the most incredible. The book is about the most incredible year of my entire journey. And it's a one-year snapshot. So you literally get to come and like sit in the passenger seat where my hope is even like I wrote it in a way that I hope you get to feel like you're the one on the journey. And you come with me for exactly one year, like to the day. The book began on May 19th and then it ends the next May 19th. And I and and people that that have read it have just been like, my gosh, so many people. You met so many people. You went so many places. You had so many adventures. And the biggest part, which a lot of people I think aren't expecting, is like all the little life lessons and gems that are in there, both from just my aha's about life. You know, like the book kind of begins with a snapshot of me having a really awful bike wreck and really getting hurt. pretty seriously in the middle of the wilderness in Newfoundland with no self-service and no help. And then I and you you just get to go on this journey with me of like, what do I do? Like my fing my fingers mangled. I ended up being even more hurt than I ever imagined, to the point where I like literally thought I was gonna die. Like I was just I was imagining the movie and the book into the wild with the the young man passed away in Alaska and I'm laying in my trailer thinking, no. Like I didn't eat a bad plant, but it's pretty much the same story. Like people are gonna find my smelly carcass, you know? And so so, but the thing is like, you know, that's the story, but I write it in a way that you get to be in my you get to be, you get to experience what I'm experiencing. Like the the momentarily like, my god, I'm gonna die. And then and then I just was like so at peace and I like, I'm there like definitely ill, thinking, I can't wait to see what this is gonna be like. Like, this is the great mystery, you know? And I was exactly excited to die. And then I woke up and I wasn't dead. And I was like, my God, I'm so excited I didn't die. Like, this is awesome, you know? But Daiana, LMHC: No. Kristy Halvorsen: it, but I mean, it sounds like a cute little story as I'm saying it, but in the book, you go, you get to like go behind the curtain and see all that I saw through that and then through the people I meet. And and yeah, so it's it's a It's a journey for the f it's jo is a journey for the heart and soul as much as it is a an adventure through North America. Daiana, LMHC: I love it. Cassandra, LMHC: That's so cool. Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah. Daiana, LMHC: You know, something that keeps coming up for me as I'm going through my own grief journey is that it's through all the pain and the sadness, and like you've been mentioning, the crying and everything, it's like how are we moving through the world with it? Right? Because we're not going to get any of those beautiful connections without. That continuous move forward holding and tending to that pain. All those people that you met, all those experiences. And I am laughing because it's funny to think like, I'm so excited to die. Like, okay, like I've I've taken this in, and then like, no, I'm so excited to live. And that is like in a nutshell, you know, that experience of feeling the pain and then okay. Like what am I gonna do with this? Kristy Halvorsen: Yeah. Yeah, I feel like it's just, you know, all of that, like everything you just shared, it's it's it comes back to like the freedom of being, the freedom of feeling and experiencing everything without judgment, expectation, or labels. You know, like That I mean that's one of my also one of my things, like if it was a gospel of Christianity, like, what if we all live without judgment, expectations and labels and beliefs? Like those four things. Because even labeling emotions, sometimes you don't even know what you feel, you know. Like I remember I mean I've witnessed friends that like they're they're about to move across country. And and they're like, I'm so nervous. I'm I'm having anxiety. And I'm like, are you sure you're not excited? Because anxiety and excitement can feel really similar. Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: And then and then you talk of it and they're like, actually, yeah, I'm kind of excited. And I'm nervous at the same time. But then but we've been so trained to label these emotions. But I mean, it it was an entire flip of the switch to realize, no, she was just excited and a little nervous. It wasn't Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: anxiety. There was nothing to freak out over. And she was fine. She was like, actually, I feel so much better just to let it be excitement and a little nervousness. Daiana, LMHC: Yeah. Kristy Halvorsen: But I'm like, what if we could feel all the feelings, not try to not feel any of them? Just welcome, allow every single feeling, and as much as possible, not even try to name what we're feeling. Just feel it for goodness sake, you know? Like when you watch a baby or a like a toddler, they haven't learned what all the feelings are. They haven't been taught that. And you can watch like a two-year-old go through giggling to being Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: just pissed off because somebody took their toy, to trying to snuggle with a loved one, to being hungry and cranky and Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Kristy Halvorsen: and over like a ten minute period, they can they can experience all that and be perfectly fine with it all because they're not labeling, they're not judging, they're just they're having a feeling in their body and they're experiencing it. What if we did that as adults, you know? Like what and and not judging, because then little kids are taught, like they cry and you're like, don't cry. And we think we're being sweet, but we're actually teaching them that crying is bad. So then they judge that, I can't cry. What if we didn't have judgments, expectations, or or labels on any of our feelings, and we just felt them and we're free in doing it? I think that would change not only the grief process, but everything else in life. Daiana, LMHC: We would be beings, right? Just human beings. Kristy Halvorsen: It's amazing. Somebody defined us as that, and yet so often we're not human beings. We're human doings or human thinkings, you know? Daiana, LMHC: Yeah. Exactly. that's amazing. As we wrap up today's conversation, we're gonna move on to our favorite part of the show. It's the Living Lost Lessons. This is where we bridge everything that we've talked about in tangible ways that we can use right now. Cassandra, LMHC: These lessons aren't about fixing the pain, but about finding a way to carry it. Sometimes it's a tool to practice, other times it's reflecting on the meaning you've built from the loss you never asked for. It's the strength you've gained, even in the midst of the hard stuff. Daiana, LMHC: Christy, is there one or two living loss lessons you've learned from this journey that our listeners could hold on to this week? Kristy Halvorsen: Well, the first thing that comes to mind is, you know, coming right off of what we just spoke about. And it's just like allowing yourself to just feel all of it without judgment. Just it's okay. It's all okay. And then again, it's it's something it's something that we can all see ourselves. or even just Like be open. Like if it you can use this as a question. What if this is all the perfect unfolding? You know, and and y you don't have to ask the question to anyone. You could. You could ask it to yourself, or you don't even have to do that. But it's almost like you're asking it to everything that is. What if what if actually this is the perfect unfolding? What would be different if I knew that? And it's not asking you to know it, it's asking you to be curious and wonder how would how would this be different if I really knew this was the perfect unfolding? And maybe that will change your ability to actually just feel the feelings, be sad as long as it takes for you to be sad. And you know, like for me, it was you know, I I wanted to continue doing everything I was doing, and a big part of This for me was like following the tickles of my soul and just letting letting things go. And sometimes that's what's really needed. It's just we need to be quiet, sit still, go for a walk, but let go of all the other stuff. And what if that too is the perfect it unfolding as well? Daiana, LMHC: Mm-hmm. Well. Thank you, Kristy Thank you for teaching us and reminding us of that perfect unfolding. I think that's a a beautiful way to feel it and understand it. Thank you to our listeners for being a part of our circle today. And remember by sharing this episode, you're helping us reach someone else who's carrying their loss in silence. Let's keep growing this community together. Subscribe, follow, share with a friend. And know that your story matters. Kristy Halvorsen: Thank you. Cassandra, LMHC: Thank you, Christy. Daiana, LMHC: Mm. Cassandra, LMHC: And just as a reminder, this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes. While we are therapists, we're not your therapists, and this does not replace professional mental health care. If you feel like you would like to speak to someone, please reach out to someone near you. And thank you so much for being here with us, Christy. This has been fantastic. Daiana, LMHC: Yes. Kristy Halvorsen: Thank you both. Really love the conversation. Daiana, LMHC: Same here Cassandra, LMHC: Same.