Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Tattling - is it such a Big deal? | Ep. 25

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Tattling - is it such a Big deal? | Ep. 25 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:06
  Cheryl: Listeners welcome to the parenting podcast.
• 1:09
  Cheryl: And we're excited because we are back in recording studio.
• 1:16
  Cheryl: Christy is still not with us, but we've got Denae.
• 1:20
  Cheryl: Hello.
• 1:21
  Cheryl: I'm Ellen.
• 1:21
  Cheryl: Hi, I'm Cheryl.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: And we're really glad to be here with you today, but we're going to start with a little bit more of a serious note.
• 1:31
  Cheryl: Before we get into what we're going to talk about today.
• 1:34
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 1:34
  Ellen: I guess there's just been so many troubling world events going on and we're all either directly or indirectly effected by them.
• 1:43
  Ellen: And it's really, it's really hard.
• 1:45
  Ellen: And all of us feel for the people that are suffering right now under different political issues.
• 1:52
  Ellen: And yet.
• 1:53
  Ellen: All we can do at this point is really just just look and how can we help our families and to discuss things that are age appropriate with our kids and just kind of talk through what's going on
• 2:06
  Danae: yeah, it's good to be here with you today and thinking about our families and then also being here with you moms, and we have some questions that have come in and we'd like to talk about those, some of the things that are near to your hearts
• 2:21
  Cheryl: We do have great questions.
• 2:23
  Cheryl: And I want to tell you, I'm so glad we're not having to do this remotely and stuff with that.
• 2:29
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: That we're still down one.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: My phone, everything else working?
• 2:34
  Cheryl: Oh, no.
• 2:35
  Ellen: One of my, um, on my headphones, one of the ears isn't working, but the other one
• 2:39
  Danae: works great.
• 2:40
  Danae: So we're doing
• 2:41
  Cheryl: okay.
• 2:42
  Cheryl: Well, we'll take that compared to the other things.
• 2:45
  Cheryl: All right.
• 2:45
  Cheryl: So have a question.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: So y'all get ready.
• 2:47
  Cheryl: When mom writes and says, my children are constantly tattling on one another.
• 2:53
  Cheryl: How can I teach them when it's appropriate to tattle?
• 2:56
  Cheryl: And when it's not
• 2:59
  Danae: oo, appropriate
• 3:00
  Cheryl: to tattle stay, there's a lot here.
• 3:04
  Cheryl: Jeez
• 3:04
  Danae: jumping off the roof,
• 3:07
  Ellen: that's an appropriate,
• 3:10
  Danae: so we never really defined tattle telling what have we agree that that
• 3:16
  Cheryl (2): is?
• 3:17
  Danae: Maybe we should
• 3:17
  Cheryl: start there.
• 3:18
  Cheryl (2): Well, Let's see.
• 3:21
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 3:22
  Cheryl: Well, let me look it up on my phone.
• 3:24
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 3:24
  Cheryl: This says reporting another's wrong.
• 3:29
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:29
  Ellen: That's a good way.
• 3:30
  Ellen: That's a good definition Unless you make very clear, what's a day.
• 3:35
  Ellen: If someone's going to be really hurt is some, they just, you know, you give them examples that are age appropriate.
• 3:42
  Ellen: If they're winning in the street, if they're jumping off the roof, if they're flushing down a whole roll of toilet paper, you know, and it's flooding come and tell me
• 3:51
  Danae: and you'll know the heart, hopefully if someone comes in and says something
• 3:55
  Ellen: Well, and at that point, it's, it's serious stuff.
• 3:58
  Ellen: I mean, you know, it's not just trying to get the sibling in trouble, the toilet's overflowing cause they just threw one of my kids through an apple down the toilet, you know?
• 4:06
  Ellen: And that those are important.
• 4:08
  Ellen: Your you don't want your kids to go.
• 4:09
  Ellen: Yeah, I know the toilet was on flowing, but you told me not to tattle
• 4:15
  Danae: because if it's something that's dangerous, something that would harm, right.
• 4:19
  Danae: Did themselves, someone else or the house?
• 4:22
  Danae: I think that's how we would define it.
• 4:24
  Danae: I only want to hear if someone's hurting themselves, hurting you
• 4:27
  Ellen: or hurting the health.
• 4:28
  Ellen: Is there any blood flow, please?
• 4:31
  Ellen: Let me know.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: Well, because there is something deeper here that I didn't realize.
• 4:39
  Cheryl: Let me tell stories on myself first.
• 4:41
  Cheryl: My priorities.
• 4:42
  Cheryl: Weren't always in order.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: And sometimes my priority was being able to manage and take care and watch over my children and the running of our family and all the confusion and relationships and everything.
• 4:56
  Cheryl: And I will tell you, I made a big mistake because.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: I sort of embraced the information that would come to me because I didn't have eyes and ears everywhere., I'm just telling you I didn't respond to that mom that I could, I could recognize.
• 5:15
  Cheryl: Oh mom.
• 5:16
  Cheryl: Remember you ask us not to whatever and so-and-so is such and such.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: Oh no.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: That's for our guests tonight And so when a toddler would come to me My response was thank you.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: And then inside I was going, oh, so good to have that information.
• 5:32
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 5:33
  Cheryl: So that was kind of how I saw it.
• 5:35
  Cheryl: Was this, your little monitors,
• 5:38
  Danae: monitors.
• 5:39
  Danae: I like the word you've got the hall pass around your neck.
• 5:43
  Cheryl: Because then I would act out on that knowing someone had gotten out what they weren't supposed to, or we're doing something and the information was accurate.
• 5:53
  Cheryl: Was it
• 5:53
  Danae: mainly older kids, two younger ones or was it kind of across the board?
• 5:58
  Cheryl: a lot of times.
• 6:00
  Cheryl: And our situation, the older ones would set the young ones straight.
• 6:03
  Cheryl: I mean, you know, the older ones might do that, but particularly I will tell you when I look at it, actually, it was usually the more compliant ones.
• 6:11
  Cheryl: The more rule keeper.
• 6:12
  Cheryl: That we're keeping track on everybody else.
• 6:15
  Danae: Um, okay.
• 6:16
  Danae: Yeah, they were mamas watchdog.
• 6:18
  Danae: Yeah.
• 6:19
  Danae: And if you don't
• 6:20
  Ellen: handle it right, the tattlers get rewarded every time they tattle.
• 6:26
  Danae: They're like,
• 6:26
  Ellen: oh look, my mom approved that.
• 6:29
  Ellen: I made sure she knew.
• 6:31
  Ellen: And I can say that as an older sister, with one younger sister who was the queen of title, I mean, if I, if I did something that was even remotely, I don't want to say bad, but even remotely disobeying or something, she was right to my mom and my mom rewarded
• 6:50
  Danae: her for it.
• 6:52
  Ellen: To me tattling and kind of defining if somebody's life is in danger or there's going to be harm done, then you come and tell a parent so they can help.
• 7:01
  Ellen: But if it's just an.
• 7:03
  Ellen: Thing or they got the game down that they weren't supposed to get down or they, you know, they're outside when they were supposed to be sitting on their bed.
• 7:11
  Ellen: That's not your job to when you're not the enforcer of the rules.
• 7:16
  Ellen: I think dabbling is one of those hard things it's wearing on the parents and it's wearing on the dynamics of the children.
• 7:24
  Ellen: So you want to reward children, the least you can for daddling because that just becomes the cycle.
• 7:30
  Ellen: And my sister, and she would laugh about this, but, you know, she became the tattletale and she almost looked for opportunities.
• 7:38
  Ellen: To
• 7:38
  Danae: title.
• 7:39
  Danae: I, she got a great reward.
• 7:41
  Danae: You were saying, and that's her role now?
• 7:42
  Danae: That's her identity and the family.
• 7:45
  Danae: Yeah, the tattletale.
• 7:46
  Danae: Yeah.
• 7:47
  Danae: And of course help your relationship with your sister.
• 7:50
  Danae: I usually
• 7:50
  Ellen: got punched out when I had
• 7:52
  Danae: a chat and then she titled So, what I hear you saying is just, you cut it off pretty quickly and don't reward them.
• 8:02
  Danae: Right.
• 8:02
  Danae: I think how I parented was dictated by how my mom parented my brother and I also, if, if she heard both of us or if one.
• 8:11
  Danae: Came to her with a problem, we typically would both get punished.
• 8:15
  Danae: So I think we found out pretty early to deal with our own, you know, and to not be tattling to hers.
• 8:25
  Danae: I think I had a pretty, pretty strict rule with my kids that if, if one of them came up and was going to, you know, say, yeah, someone, you know, I left the game out or you told them to put it up or whatever.
• 8:39
  Danae: I wouldn't wouldn't really give them any rewards
• 8:44
  Cheryl (2): Part of the problem was I was a good kid.
• 8:46
  Cheryl (2): I would just really was.
• 8:48
  Cheryl (2): And my older brother was a lot more of a challenge and I say, I was rewarded, but also there was a lot more to tattle on.
• 9:00
  Cheryl (2): I think my mother was again, glad to have eyes and ears.
• 9:04
  Cheryl (2): And, uh, so I didn't have any training in that.
• 9:08
  Cheryl (2): And I did not recognize.
• 9:11
  Cheryl (2): What the difference is about meaningful communication of information that really does need to be told.
• 9:18
  Cheryl (2): And then I think when we talk about tattling, I think we need to really go it's what's in the heart of the person that's tattling,
• 9:26
  Cheryl: the more compliant ones.
• 9:27
  Cheryl (2): I want authority and everybody else too.
• 9:30
  Cheryl (2): This person does the right thing.
• 9:32
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 9:32
  Cheryl (2): And they don't
• 9:32
  Danae: want to get into trouble.
• 9:33
  Danae: I think that my complaint children, they want everyone to be happy with them at all times, be thought of as a good one, you know, it's important to them.
• 9:43
  Danae: And
• 9:43
  Ellen: you know, there's an element of vengeance from the task.
• 9:48
  Ellen: You know, there's kind of, there can be a real mean spirit they're tattling on their sibling to get them in trouble, knowing full well they'll get them in
• 9:56
  Danae: trouble, you know?
• 9:57
  Ellen: And, and there's that, there's a pride that comes with that.
• 10:01
  Ellen: Self-righteousness even though they may be little and they don't understand all those terms, but that's what you're building in your child when you're allowing them to really tackle.
• 10:11
  Cheryl: And that's what I'm saying.
• 10:12
  Cheryl: It's a much deeper swamp.
• 10:16
  Cheryl: What I realized and you were saying about was the younger, the older, see the older one, like you would deal with your little sister.
• 10:23
  Cheryl: You weren't worried about it.
• 10:25
  Cheryl: You were in, if you will, more of a power position, but you're also everything, your larger, older, you can think faster.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: You've got the words.
• 10:34
  Cheryl: And so what I saw my family were the younger ones and me when I was a child, the younger one.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: Who were.
• 10:42
  Cheryl: Motivated either by self righteousness that this boundary has been crossed and someone needs to do something about it, or I can't stop that elder one and I can't do the things.
• 10:52
  Cheryl: So like, you're saying that I'm going to go get a power.
• 10:54
  Cheryl: That's going to come in and stop this from.
• 10:57
  Danae: Yeah.
• 10:57
  Danae: I was thinking that back to the heart of it is I'm wondering if sometimes, especially going back to the compliant child, if it's that heart of.
• 11:06
  Danae: His isn't fair because, you know, I had definitely had certain children that would never break the rules.
• 11:13
  Danae: They just wouldn't allow themselves to break the rules.
• 11:15
  Danae: Right.
• 11:15
  Danae: They, they couldn't almost, they didn't want to be bad, quote unquote.
• 11:19
  Danae: And so if they saw a sibling breaking the rules, then all of us and mom doesn't know, then it's not fair, you know?
• 11:27
  Danae: And.
• 11:28
  Danae: As the parent, then back on our responsibility of looking at that big picture and talking, talking to that child, that's really struggling and saying what's going on and giving that child space.
• 11:42
  Danae: Hopefully they'll, they'll be able to talk to you and say, I feel like mom, you're not paying attention to my other
• 11:49
  Cheryl: sibling.
• 11:50
  Cheryl: having been that compliant child fair.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: Was it, I mean, fair was the watch word of what you cared about.
• 11:57
  Cheryl: It's not fair.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: They're getting away with this gun.
• 12:01
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:02
  Cheryl: And I didn't, and I'm not getting away because I'm keeping the rules.
• 12:06
  Cheryl: So that's
• 12:06
  Danae: potentially breaking the relationship with that.
• 12:09
  Danae: Sibling, but also could be hurting the relationship between the child and the parent, because if they're not being able to trust you that you're watching you're listening.
• 12:19
  Danae: Yeah.
• 12:20
  Danae: That could really break that.
• 12:21
  Danae: So again, Ellen, like you said, it takes time for us to, as parents to step back, look at what's really going on.
• 12:29
  Danae: Is it that that child is just mean, is it that that child is just, you know, wanting to win and be the good child.
• 12:38
  Danae: Or is there something deeper that's going on here and the family dynamic?
• 12:42
  Cheryl: Isn't it interesting.
• 12:43
  Cheryl: We're just talking about tattling cry.
• 12:47
  Cheryl: Yeah, even though I wouldn't respond to it.
• 12:49
  Cheryl: I realized, I was saying thank you, which is saying, thank you so much for tattling on them and rewarding that person.
• 12:56
  Cheryl: And then I might handle it privately, but I still wasn't handling the deeper issue with the one that came to me that was getting rewarded for tablets, getting rewarded.
• 13:07
  Cheryl: And then I started.
• 13:09
  Cheryl: Working on that myself, And the first step I did.
• 13:11
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 13:12
  Cheryl: I realized I had to quit saying thank you.
• 13:15
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's a
• 13:16
  Ellen: very good point,
• 13:17
  Cheryl: Life.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: wasn't Always chaos.
• 13:19
  Cheryl: Like everybody's falling apart, but it's busy with a busy family.
• 13:24
  Cheryl: You're trying to fix dinner maybe, and you're helping this one or a kids are playing outside or playing outside.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: So there's life going on a whole lot of life.
• 13:33
  Cheryl: I became aware and I realized this is, this is something more than just thinks their information.
• 13:40
  Cheryl: Mom.
• 13:41
  Cheryl: It's two o'clock.
• 13:42
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 13:42
  Cheryl: Thank you for that information.
• 13:43
  Cheryl: I didn't realize that.
• 13:45
  Cheryl: So I began.
• 13:47
  Cheryl: To change myself and be aware.
• 13:49
  Cheryl: So let's say Ms.
• 13:50
  Cheryl: Tattletale comes in mom.
• 13:53
  Cheryl: Um, remember we weren't supposed to such and such We're not supposed to get on our bed or whatever it is they're doing it.
• 13:59
  Cheryl: So they come they're tattling on it.
• 14:01
  Cheryl: And it's not a dangerous situation.
• 14:03
  Cheryl: I'm trying to remember what I actually said because I realized, I can't say thank you.
• 14:07
  Cheryl: That's rewarding.
• 14:08
  Cheryl: I don't want you to do that.
• 14:10
  Cheryl: And, I began first making myself not react at all.
• 14:15
  Cheryl: And I might just say, okay.
• 14:17
  Cheryl: And I went on as if it didn't happen.
• 14:19
  Cheryl: So my life got harder because I decided this is not healthy.
• 14:25
  Cheryl: For this child at all these things, we're talking about the self-righteousness it's built inside.
• 14:30
  Cheryl: And so at first, my toddlers would say, mom, didn't you hear sure they're using the crayons.
• 14:37
  Cheryl: And you said we weren't supposed to use the crayons today, and I did hear, so let's have a conversation.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: Why are you telling me this?
• 14:45
  Cheryl: And that would be the good conversation we would get in.
• 14:48
  Danae: Oh, yeah, because then the child could say, well, because mom, you said, yeah, that we weren't supposed to hear and be like, you're right.
• 14:55
  Danae: I did say that that's for me to handle and for me to be aware of, and
• 15:00
  Cheryl: that's between the two of us between the
• 15:02
  Danae: two of us, I always say, you're not the police,
• 15:06
  Cheryl: you're not the parents.
• 15:07
  Cheryl: I didn't even use that.
• 15:08
  Cheryl: I was just like the police.
• 15:10
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:11
  Cheryl: And so sat down and we started having that conversation.
• 15:14
  Cheryl: Well, it's not right.
• 15:15
  Cheryl: It's and so it became really good conversations about their hearts.
• 15:20
  Danae: Yeah.
• 15:20
  Danae: Yeah.
• 15:20
  Danae: I'm having some compassion toward that child because you know, they've been in a situation where with.
• 15:27
  Danae: I thought what they were doing was good possibly.
• 15:31
  Danae: And it was, you know, maybe they felt that little prick in their heart, maybe not, but they're like, wait, this always worked.
• 15:36
  Danae: That mom depends on me to be the monitor.
• 15:40
  Danae: That's my role, you know?
• 15:42
  Danae: And so I can kind of have some passion for that child.
• 15:45
  Cheryl: I was Thankful that I began to move in that and have conversations.
• 15:49
  Cheryl: And then I would get feedback different ones, saying, mom, you didn't do anything about it.
• 15:54
  Cheryl: And I would talk with them and say, you know, when you're not having this conversation, does anybody else know we're having this?
• 16:00
  Cheryl: No.
• 16:01
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 16:02
  Cheryl: You don't have to worry about monitoring me, my conversations with other people that's private.
• 16:07
  Cheryl: So you have no idea.
• 16:09
  Cheryl: What we've interacted or I've talked to them or what's happening.
• 16:13
  Cheryl: So you don't have to worry about monitoring them.
• 16:15
  Cheryl: Them let's keep our relationship between the two of us.
• 16:18
  Cheryl: And then you don't have to worry about that other child.
• 16:21
  Cheryl: So it began to get better.
• 16:23
  Cheryl: If I were to go back though, with what I know now, I would have really sat down and what you just said, Denae realizing I want to apologize to.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: Because what I realized in my need to understand more of what's going on, I have allowed something to develop.
• 16:44
  Cheryl: That's not good.
• 16:45
  Cheryl: And then I would had a big conversation first apologizing, what I've done, because I'm the one that if you will enabled it and rewarded it, and I need to take responsibility and start talking about myself.
• 17:00
  Cheryl: I wouldn't have known to have that conversation.
• 17:02
  Cheryl: But I would have started with that.
• 17:03
  Cheryl: Denae.
• 17:03
  Cheryl: I would have started saying.
• 17:06
  Cheryl: I have done the wrong thing and I haven't parented you well in this.
• 17:10
  Cheryl: And I'm rewarding the wrong kind of behavior, because look at what is really happening.
• 17:16
  Ellen: Or you can just do, like, I, dude, my kids believed for many years that I had a spy because I
• 17:22
  Danae: told them that they thought I
• 17:27
  Ellen: physically had an extra and it stayed and it stayed hidden jury, but I didn't need it because they would go, how did you know?
• 17:34
  Ellen: But I was really vigilant.
• 17:36
  Ellen: I was always listening.
• 17:38
  Ellen: When my kids were in the house playing, and if voices started to rise, I would maybe walk by the room, just kind of paying attention to what's happening.
• 17:48
  Ellen: So things didn't get too out of control.
• 17:51
  Ellen: And then, like I said, they would always
• 17:53
  Danae: go hide.
• 17:53
  Danae: You know
• 17:54
  Ellen: that because I know kids, you know, I was one too.
• 17:56
  Ellen: And I would just say, oh, it was my spy.
• 17:58
  Ellen: I, for years, I believe I had
• 18:01
  Cheryl: an extra, Tattletale
• 18:03
  Ellen: go to
• 18:04
  Danae: jail.
• 18:10
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 18:12
  Cheryl: we've run out of time again.
• 18:14
  Cheryl: Listeners, we need to hear from you please.
• 18:17
  Cheryl: contact us however you want to get ahold of us.
• 18:20
  Cheryl: DM, text us If you're thinking of a question, just text to us right now.
• 18:26
  Cheryl: So remember moms, hang in there.
• 18:30
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.