Latest / Off Track With Brooke / What Comes After Grief

Transcript

What Comes After Grief · Off Track With Brooke

• 0:00
  Hello everybody, and welcome back to another episode of my
• 0:04
  podcast, Don't Forget This. So today we have quite a big
• 0:08
  change as I have finally, well, I'm finally showing you my brand
• 0:13
  new podcast room, which I have kind of put together and I've
• 0:18
  been wanting to do a podcast episode for the longest time.
• 0:22
  But here we are in all of his glories.
• 0:25
  I've got like the carpet, got the sofa, got like the blanket,
• 0:28
  my microphone and yes, on this cute little pillow.
• 0:33
  But anyway, that's not what we're talking about today.
• 0:36
  So I haven't done an episode for quite a minute now.
• 0:40
  So today I wanted to do kind of a follow up episode on grief.
• 0:47
  So it's been a few months now. I think I posted that episode, I
• 0:52
  want to say maybe February time. So it's been a few months now
• 0:57
  and as we all know, grief comes in different stages.
• 1:03
  So today I wanted to talk about grief.
• 1:06
  A few months in and I've got my iPad here, which I've got little
• 1:10
  notes on. So I don't waffle on to you all
• 1:13
  for ages because I am absolutely amazing at doing that and just
• 1:17
  waffling on. So I want to talk about how I've
• 1:22
  still been coming to terms with everything and things like that.
• 1:26
  So I really hope that other people can relate to this as
• 1:29
  well. This isn't just me waffling on
• 1:31
  about my kind of experience and be like, Oh my God, like
• 1:34
  everybody please like show me some attention.
• 1:38
  No, this is mainly to try and help everybody else who may be
• 1:43
  going through the same thing. The first point I wanted to talk
• 1:46
  about is feeling like a part of you is missing since losing a
• 1:50
  specific person and never knowing if you'll ever feel the
• 1:54
  same as before again. So what I want to talk about on
• 1:58
  this is well since losing my cousin, it just feels like a
• 2:04
  part of you is missing and I just I just never know like that
• 2:09
  one little spark. It just kind of feels like that
• 2:12
  something isn't there anymore. And the fear of kind of
• 2:16
  thinking, am I ever going to feel the way I was before again?
• 2:23
  Now, let me tell you, if this is how any of you will feel, then I
• 2:28
  promise you that you will. But it's just kind of how things
• 2:35
  are going so far for me. And maybe other people feel that
• 2:38
  way. But yeah, feeling like a part of
• 2:42
  you is missing is a really big one because, well, it basically
• 2:47
  is. A part of you is missing
• 2:49
  somebody that meant so much to you that now isn't here anymore.
• 2:54
  You know, a part of you is missing.
• 2:56
  But I want to reassure you that you will get your spark back
• 3:01
  slowly. Mine is coming back, but it just
• 3:04
  takes time and it just takes kind of just your own self
• 3:10
  getting to terms with what's kind of happened because it's a
• 3:14
  big thing. The next one that I've got is
• 3:19
  feeling guilty for being happy because why should I feel happy
• 3:22
  when somebody so important in my life has gone?
• 3:25
  So again, this is another big one for me because whenever I
• 3:30
  catch myself smiling or I don't know, just generally just
• 3:34
  enjoying myself, I kind of sit back and I think why?
• 3:39
  Why am I so happy right now? Because that's so selfish.
• 3:43
  Because he's gone. And why?
• 3:48
  Why do I feel happy? OK, I've just blocked out that
• 3:51
  part of the window because that was very bloody bright.
• 3:54
  Thought I was going to put my sunglasses on then.
• 3:56
  But no. Feeling guilty for being happy.
• 4:01
  And it kind of is like a silent killer as well.
• 4:04
  Because when you're out having a good time with your friends or
• 4:07
  anything like that, and then in the back of your mind all you're
• 4:09
  thinking is, so I'm fine. Like it's not has not affected
• 4:15
  me. Oh, that's so selfish.
• 4:18
  And I don't I don't want to be like the really depressing
• 4:22
  person. I don't want to be like, oh, and
• 4:24
  you know, all this stuff, my next point.
• 4:28
  Some days it only affecting you slightly and then other days
• 4:32
  it's all you can think about and you have no control over that
• 4:35
  feeling. So the main part in this one was
• 4:38
  the fact or is the fact you have no control over that.
• 4:41
  I think that is the worst part about it because like I said,
• 4:46
  some days literally you barely even think about it.
• 4:50
  It's literally near enough, like it never even happened.
• 4:54
  And then other days it literally being the only thing that you
• 4:57
  can think about. And it doesn't matter what
• 5:00
  you're doing or anything like that.
• 5:02
  You literally are just on a downer the whole entire day
• 5:05
  because it's literally all you can think about.
• 5:09
  And yeah, but like I said, the worst bit about it is the fact
• 5:15
  you've got no control over it. Like it just comes and goes when
• 5:18
  it when it wants and there's nothing you can do about it.
• 5:22
  And I think that is genuinely the worst part, when you just
• 5:26
  feel like that you're not in control of something at all and
• 5:30
  it just consuming you. That is really the hardest part.
• 5:34
  My next point is the social expectation to just be over it
• 5:41
  and everybody forgets what's happened and life just seems
• 5:45
  like it should completely go back to normal again.
• 5:48
  So this is literally in any like social setting at all.
• 5:53
  Mine is more like in work and stuff like that.
• 5:56
  If anyone relates to that, the same, but like when I'm at work,
• 6:00
  for example, and I literally just catch myself staring into
• 6:04
  space and I'm just like, Oh my God, people are going to look at
• 6:06
  me and think, what is she doing? Like she's being so lazy.
• 6:10
  Like why is she just sat there doing nothing?
• 6:13
  But that is not the case at all. When maybe maybe a week after it
• 6:17
  happened, people were like, Oh yeah, you know, that just
• 6:20
  happened. Like fair enough.
• 6:22
  But now it's like, oh, she's just lazy.
• 6:26
  And it's just like, no, I've just been through something that
• 6:30
  has literally just, you know, made me ridiculously upset.
• 6:35
  I know I'm not over it in the space of four months.
• 6:41
  No. So yeah, I think that's another
• 6:45
  really hard one because again, people just forget, like in the
• 6:49
  first week or so, everyone remembers and they're they're
• 6:52
  always, you know, like stepping on glass around you.
• 6:55
  And then after that it's just kind of like no one really cares
• 6:59
  anymore. And it's just like, oh, it's
• 7:01
  even anything in life. Like if something big happens,
• 7:04
  like, I don't know, whatever, like you like have this massive
• 7:08
  achievement and people remember for like a week and then they
• 7:12
  just forget. But, and that was a really bad
• 7:16
  example, but you know what I mean, Just the expectation just
• 7:19
  to be over it and people just forgetting actually what's
• 7:22
  happened. So never ever feel pressured to
• 7:24
  just go back to normal because you're not going to be able to
• 7:27
  go back to normal. Like not out of not at all.
• 7:31
  You are not going to be able to just pick your feet up after, I
• 7:35
  don't know, however many flipping weeks and be like, Oh
• 7:38
  yeah, everything's fine now because it's not.
• 7:40
  And don't try to tell yourself that it's fine either, because
• 7:44
  you need to actually think about what's going on in your head.
• 7:48
  And actually if you try to tell yourself that you're fine, then
• 7:51
  it's just you bottling up all your emotions.
• 7:53
  And then they're all just going to come out at once.
• 7:56
  And it is just going to be 1 big, yeah, just one big.
• 8:01
  And you don't, you don't want that.
• 8:04
  I think a really important thing and just in general, what I have
• 8:07
  found is when you're feeling a certain emotion, especially
• 8:12
  sadness or feeling overwhelmed or feeling anything like that, a
• 8:16
  really, really important thing to do is sit with your emotions
• 8:20
  and actually be like, right, OK, so this is how I feel and just
• 8:24
  sit with your emotions, which is actually another point I'm going
• 8:27
  to get on to in a minute. But don't try to tell yourself
• 8:31
  that you're fine when you're quite clearly not just because
• 8:34
  of the people around you expect you to be fine.
• 8:37
  If you're not fine, then you're not fine.
• 8:38
  And it's going to take you as long as you need.
• 8:42
  There's not a set time frame and oh, in this many months, like
• 8:45
  you've got to feel fine now. No, you're going to take as long
• 8:48
  as you need and things in life can be happening.
• 8:51
  You can be like extremely stressed over AB and C reason.
• 8:55
  So then it's going to take you even longer because you're
• 8:58
  stressing about everything in your life.
• 9:00
  So it's not linear. It just goes up and down all the
• 9:05
  time. So never let anyone's kind of
• 9:09
  expectation make you think, Oh, well, I should be fine now
• 9:15
  because you'll take as long as you need.
• 9:17
  My next one is feeling like nobody else gets you and you
• 9:21
  wish that other people could just understand how you're
• 9:23
  feeling. You want to tell others how you
• 9:25
  actually feel, but you don't want to sound attention seeking.
• 9:29
  So again, these I'm going to say it's also every single one.
• 9:32
  So this is a big one for me because they are kind of the
• 9:35
  points I've written. But but yeah, feeling like
• 9:39
  someone else can just understand you, that's a really big one,
• 9:43
  especially if you feel like that you don't have anybody to talk
• 9:45
  to. That is a massive thing because
• 9:50
  again, we go through lots of different things in life and
• 9:53
  many of things that you won't actually tell people or only
• 9:56
  really tell people that you trust and things that sit with
• 9:59
  you that people don't actually know about South.
• 10:04
  The thing is, is because people don't really speak about these
• 10:06
  types of things, it does make you feel like that no one else
• 10:09
  understands you. And that's kind of how I've also
• 10:12
  been feeling as well because it's just like, you know, again,
• 10:16
  the expectation just to be fine. Well, no one else gets it.
• 10:20
  Clearly. That's just kind of what's going
• 10:23
  through my head, like, oh, well, no one else gets it and things
• 10:26
  like that. And it is lonely.
• 10:27
  It is a really lonely and sad feeling to feel like that.
• 10:31
  No one else understands you right now.
• 10:33
  And it's like, I don't know, say, say you're at work or at
• 10:37
  college or at wherever you may be and people are piling a
• 10:41
  million different things on to you right now.
• 10:43
  And you're just like, Oh my God, I wish you could just know
• 10:46
  what's going on inside my head right now.
• 10:48
  Because especially when things happen like this, it's not just
• 10:52
  something that you can just philtre out.
• 10:54
  And sometimes if you are busy, then it does philtre out, but
• 10:57
  most of the time it doesn't and it just sits there.
• 11:00
  And especially for me, if then if people start piling things on
• 11:03
  to me, I'm like, I'm sorry, but I'm literally not listening to
• 11:08
  anything that you're saying right now because I cannot focus
• 11:11
  on literally anything except from all this stuff that's going
• 11:15
  on in my head about everything that I've just been through.
• 11:18
  So sorry, no, I can't. I can't do whatever you're
• 11:22
  asking me to do. But a big, big thing I'd say is
• 11:27
  speak to somebody that you trust.
• 11:30
  Speak to your friend, speak to a trusted adult.
• 11:34
  That sounds like a really weird thing to say, but speak, say,
• 11:38
  say, if you don't get on with your parents is kind of what I
• 11:40
  mean, then speak to someone else's parents.
• 11:42
  Speak to somebody that you trust and you actually feel like that
• 11:46
  is going to listen to you. And if you don't feel like that
• 11:51
  you've got anybody around you, then you can message me about it
• 11:55
  because I am more than happy. I mean, I'm doing these videos
• 11:59
  for a reason. I will help you if you feel like
• 12:03
  you haven't got anybody else, but a massive thing is to
• 12:07
  actually speak about or verbally speak about your problems, not
• 12:12
  necessarily to every single person.
• 12:14
  Because don't get me wrong, I, I mean, I wouldn't do that.
• 12:18
  And I don't know, maybe maybe that does help you.
• 12:22
  But I'd more so say just keep it, stick it to a few people or
• 12:26
  maybe just one person that you do just really, really trust.
• 12:29
  And they, they're like you're venting person.
• 12:34
  Like I know I've got a few of them as my friends and you know,
• 12:38
  you go to different friends about different situations and
• 12:41
  things like that. So definitely a big thing is if
• 12:44
  you ever feel any sort of emotion, then speak to somebody
• 12:49
  else about it. Because the worst thing, the
• 12:52
  worst thing in the world is bottling everything up.
• 12:57
  Because I know that feeling along as many other people will
• 13:03
  know exactly how that feels. And that is probably one of the
• 13:06
  worst things because then all of a sudden it just comes out all
• 13:10
  in one and that is not nice. And then everyone thinks, oh,
• 13:14
  you're so this, you're so that, you're so selfish.
• 13:16
  You're so right anyway, but you're not.
• 13:19
  You've just been holding in these immense emotions that you
• 13:23
  felt like you can't tell anyone about.
• 13:25
  And then all of a sudden you're the bad person and the sun's
• 13:29
  just gone away. Thank God.
• 13:30
  Speak to somebody that your friend you get along with.
• 13:35
  Speak to someone if you're feeling really upset or
• 13:39
  anything. My next point, I feel like I
• 13:41
  touched on this earlier, don't run away from emotion.
• 13:46
  Sit with it and feel all of it because that's the best way
• 13:50
  instead of trying to ignore it and pretend it's not there.
• 13:53
  So I kind of touched on this a bit earlier and the sun's coming
• 13:56
  back, but do not ever try to run away from your problems.
• 14:02
  You've seen it in the bloody films, you've seen it
• 14:04
  everywhere. Don't try run away from your
• 14:07
  problems because they will always come back no matter what,
• 14:10
  or you'll be scared of them for the rest of your life.
• 14:14
  So especially in the topic that we're talking about today, grief
• 14:18
  and loss, when you're feeling a certain emotion, which is most
• 14:22
  likely the top 2 going to be sadness and feeling overwhelmed,
• 14:29
  do not try to run away from them.
• 14:32
  Feelings especially, especially if you are a boy.
• 14:38
  Because we all know that boys try and boys and men try and
• 14:47
  hide their emotions, try and just act like that they're not
• 14:51
  there, that things aren't bothering them when they are.
• 14:55
  Do not just because the social expectation is that you
• 15:02
  shouldn't feel a certain way or the social media or people
• 15:07
  around you, your dad, your bloody granddad, your friends
• 15:12
  are all like think they're art as nails and actually you're
• 15:17
  really bothered about something. You're entitled to feel that
• 15:20
  way. Don't just feel like that.
• 15:22
  You shouldn't feel like that and try push it to the side.
• 15:25
  Like that's weird. I don't feel sad.
• 15:27
  I don't get sad because that's just not true.
• 15:32
  Everyone gets emotion. Everybody is.
• 15:34
  Everybody has the emotion, happiness or whatever.
• 15:38
  Like getting excited or like, I don't know, any sort of emotion.
• 15:43
  Everybody gets some sort of emotion.
• 15:45
  So why can't you get sadness? What's the difference with that
• 15:49
  one? So please please please sit with
• 15:56
  your emotions and feel all of your emotions because trying to
• 16:00
  run away from them is not going to help you at all and they'll
• 16:05
  only come back and bite you back or you'll be scared of them
• 16:09
  forever and just try and bottle them away.
• 16:12
  Because again, especially for boys and men, well for me as
• 16:19
  well actually, and probably a lot of other people, it just
• 16:22
  comes back. And when it all comes out, it
• 16:25
  comes out in most normally anger.
• 16:28
  So you'll get irritated more easily.
• 16:31
  You'll shout, you'll do all this and you don't mean to be a bad
• 16:36
  person because you're not a bad person.
• 16:39
  And then it all goes back into you to the fact that you then
• 16:43
  feel guilty because everyone's calling you a bad person, but
• 16:47
  you know deep down that you're not.
• 16:49
  And then you feel like no one else gets you.
• 16:51
  So sit with that emotion and it is very valid to feel certain
• 16:57
  ways. Another point I've got is if
• 17:00
  you're having a bad day, talk to somebody you care about and
• 17:03
  trust. Because the sense of even having
• 17:05
  somebody there just listening to you to get your feelings out is
• 17:08
  so much better than keeping them in.
• 17:10
  So I basically already touched on that bit.
• 17:13
  Just talk to people. Well, not necessarily people.
• 17:17
  Talk to a person again, talk to a friend, talk to a bloody
• 17:22
  parent, talk to a sister, a brother or anything.
• 17:27
  Because again, like I said earlier, the feeling of bottling
• 17:32
  your emotions up is probably the worst feeling in the world.
• 17:37
  And maybe it does work for some people, but probably about 90%
• 17:43
  of the time it really doesn't. And then you'll just feel
• 17:45
  yourself getting stressed. You're like, why do I feel like
• 17:48
  this? And there's just so many things
• 17:49
  going on in your head. It's just like, because you've
• 17:52
  bottled it all up. You've bottled everything up.
• 17:55
  And that is the worst way, I think maybe controversial, but
• 18:02
  the worst way to go about feelings if you're feeling them.
• 18:07
  Now I've finished with all of my points, I just want to say a big
• 18:12
  main point for kind of the end of this podcast episode.
• 18:18
  And that is that losing a loved one has really made me realise
• 18:23
  and I don't know, just appreciate other people around
• 18:27
  me because especially in my situation and people that know
• 18:33
  my cousin and whatever anyone else's situation in the world,
• 18:38
  you never, ever, ever think it's going to be somebody you know,
• 18:42
  or even yourself until it actually is.
• 18:46
  And then you're kind of like, whoa, OK, because I do it all
• 18:52
  the time. Even I say it to myself, it's
• 18:55
  never, it will never happen or like that will, you know, once
• 18:58
  in a blue moon, come on now, it won't happen.
• 19:01
  But then it actually does. And you're kind of just like,
• 19:04
  OK, so. And it kind of really shifts
• 19:07
  your perspective because you're like, right, OK, like now what?
• 19:12
  So show the people you care about that you do really care
• 19:17
  about them. Because if something did happen
• 19:20
  to a loved one or another loved one, if something has happened,
• 19:27
  the first thing you'd want them to know is how much you actually
• 19:31
  care about them. And the guilt of not showing
• 19:37
  them is just the worst feeling ever.
• 19:41
  There's no going back. There's no nothing.
• 19:44
  There's no nothing. So and even in general, just
• 19:51
  show people that you really do care about them if you do
• 19:55
  actually care about them. If you don't, if you don't care
• 19:58
  about someone, probably no point in showing them that you care
• 20:01
  about them. But if you do care about
• 20:02
  somebody, then a million percent.
• 20:04
  And even I do it now. Just show them that you do
• 20:08
  actually care about them. Just little things, because it
• 20:12
  is the nicest feeling ever. I mean, as a human being myself,
• 20:16
  when people actually just, I don't know, just do little
• 20:18
  things that actually show you that they actually do care about
• 20:21
  you. It's like, oh, that that was
• 20:24
  really nice. Like, oh, that's a really nice
• 20:26
  thing to do. Because I feel like a lot of
• 20:28
  people, especially in kind of our generation, just kind of
• 20:34
  forget little things like that. So always show people that you
• 20:40
  care about them because the worst thing you could do is
• 20:44
  regret not ever showing somebody how much you really do care.
• 20:50
  So with that said, I've pretty much summed up all of the points
• 20:55
  which I've written down, which are things that I've personally
• 20:59
  felt to which I kind of wanted to voice so other people know
• 21:04
  that they're not so alone and if they have felt any of these ways
• 21:09
  before, then honestly, you are not the only person that has
• 21:14
  felt like this. For example, feeling selfish for
• 21:18
  being happy. You are not the only person that
• 21:22
  has been feeling like this. So don't think that you're alone
• 21:27
  in your healing journey because you aren't.
• 21:30
  There is so many people that feel the same way and there is
• 21:34
  so many people that will actually hopefully talk about
• 21:40
  how they feel. And there's so many people out
• 21:44
  there that really do care about you that you don't actually
• 21:46
  realise that do. So I hope that I've kind of
• 21:52
  touched on as many points as I can that other people do
• 21:56
  actually relate to, and I hope people just don't feel as alone
• 22:03
  in this journey. If anyone else is going through
• 22:07
  the same thing and you're not alone in this, I absolutely
• 22:12
  promise. So thank you all so much for
• 22:14
  listening. I do really apologise about this
• 22:16
  sunlight. There is so many clouds behind
• 22:20
  that bloody phone. There's a window right there and
• 22:24
  the sun keeps like coming, going and then coming.
• 22:27
  Anyway, thank you all so much for listening and hopefully I'll
• 22:32
  see you again soon. Well, I know that you will
• 22:34
  because I've got quite a few more podcast episodes planned.
• 22:39
  And I hope we all like the new setup because I absolutely
• 22:43
  flipping love it. But don't forget this on the on
• 22:50
  the frame behind me and then I don't know whatever else I've
• 22:56
  got which you can bloody see. But again, for the third time,
• 23:01
  thank you all so much for listening and I'll see you again
• 23:05
  in a few more weeks for another episode of Don't Forget This.