Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 469. Silent treatment trauma, identity crisis from stepping back and please break my dating curse! Head Noise

Transcript

469. Silent treatment trauma, identity crisis from stepping back and please break my dating curse! Head Noise · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:09
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:13
Speaker 2: So this is your second head Noise.
0:16
Speaker 1: Episode for the week for those of you that are new.
0:19
Speaker 1: Actually turns out there's quite a few new audience members.
0:21
Speaker 1: I've had a lot of head noise questions start with
0:23
Speaker 1: someone saying I've recently discovered your podcast.
0:27
Speaker 2: I've stumbled across this very recently.
0:29
Speaker 1: I've been binging your episode, So boj to all the
0:32
Speaker 1: new listeners, Welcome to the dyfmfam and community.
0:36
Speaker 2: But if you are new here, I normally do.
0:38
Speaker 1: One Monday episode, which is any topic that I kind
0:41
Speaker 1: of dive deep and I give you points, tips, a list, whatever,
0:44
Speaker 1: and often I'll tie a brain fact into that as well,
0:48
Speaker 1: and then on the Friday episode we do a head noise.
0:50
Speaker 1: But this year I'm doing a Wednesday head Noise and
0:54
Speaker 1: also a Friday head Noise, So this is the Friday
0:55
Speaker 1: head Noise.
0:56
Speaker 2: It's more emails.
0:57
Speaker 1: I did say that I was going to do voice
0:59
Speaker 1: note email a voice note fucking head nods questions, but
1:04
Speaker 1: I've just been like receiving a huge influx for emails recently,
1:08
Speaker 1: so I thought i'd do more emails, and we do
1:10
Speaker 1: some voicemails next week. I'm not going to give much
1:13
Speaker 1: of a life update other than the Sydney Live Show. Guys,
1:16
Speaker 1: you're listening to this on Friday. The Sydney Live Show
1:18
Speaker 1: is on Wednesday. If you haven't got your tickets left,
1:20
Speaker 1: the are tickets available, come to the live show.
1:23
Speaker 2: We've got via.
1:24
Speaker 1: There aren't many VIP tickets left, and the VIP is
1:28
Speaker 1: where we do like a meet and greet at the start,
1:30
Speaker 1: little chat, vibes, photos, all the fun stuff. And then
1:34
Speaker 1: after the live show, which goes for roughly two hours,
1:37
Speaker 1: we go to like this separate bar that's just for
1:39
Speaker 1: the VIP ticket holders and we have drinks and more
1:43
Speaker 1: talking and more talking shit. And also you can meet
1:46
Speaker 1: each other in that bar. It's not like a hector,
1:47
Speaker 1: you know, you can like chat with each other whatever.
1:49
Speaker 1: So that's going to be a really good time. Gift bags, vibes.
1:52
Speaker 1: We've got new merch coming, and this merch is going
1:55
Speaker 1: to be at the live show only. I mean, I
1:57
Speaker 1: will sell it afterwards, but it's launching at the live
1:59
Speaker 1: show and it's really fucking cool.
2:00
Speaker 2: I can't wait for you guys to see it anyway.
2:03
Speaker 2: So yeah, it's feb fourth.
2:05
Speaker 1: Is the live show, and that's happening at the City
2:07
Speaker 1: Recital Hall in the City, so go check it out,
2:11
Speaker 1: get your tickets, bring a friend, bring your third uncle
2:15
Speaker 1: twice removed, and we're gonna have a great time.
2:18
Speaker 2: Okay.
2:18
Speaker 1: And also, if you haven't already been to one of
2:20
Speaker 1: my live shows, one of the things that I do
2:22
Speaker 1: is because I'm doing the actual show where I go
2:24
Speaker 1: through like the ten steps that you go through on
2:27
Speaker 1: your journey through life and the lessons that you must
2:30
Speaker 1: learn out of them before you progress onto the next step.
2:32
Speaker 2: But then at the end.
2:33
Speaker 1: I do like thirty to forty minutes of your questions
2:36
Speaker 1: where you scan a QR code and the question gets
2:38
Speaker 1: like like sent up to the stage and I get
2:41
Speaker 1: to read it, and that is the first time that
2:43
Speaker 1: I'm reading the question, so I get to answer the
2:45
Speaker 1: questions live on the spot, which is kind of everyone's
2:49
Speaker 1: favorite part of the live show, at least in the
2:51
Speaker 1: other live shows that I've done.
2:52
Speaker 2: So really excited for that.
2:54
Speaker 1: Now, let's get straight into the podcast episode of today,
2:57
Speaker 1: which of course is head Noise, and I'm going to
2:59
Speaker 1: aim to get through through four questions if possible, but
3:01
Speaker 1: definitely three. Let's do it, Okay, subject question on identity,
3:06
Speaker 1: guilt and stepping back. Hi, alexis long time listener here.
3:10
Speaker 1: Your podcast literally got me through a whole marathon.
3:13
Speaker 2: Don't tell me.
3:14
Speaker 1: Do not fucking tell me that you listened to my
3:16
Speaker 1: podcast while running a marathon, because I'm beyond impress But also,
3:19
Speaker 1: I can't run to anything other than music. So people
3:21
Speaker 1: that run and listen to my podcast, I'd love you
3:24
Speaker 1: so much for so many reasons. I just I love
3:26
Speaker 1: that about you, and I love that you want to
3:27
Speaker 1: listen to my voice when you're running icons anyway, love
3:30
Speaker 1: that so much.
3:31
Speaker 2: I'm twenty seven and recently resigned from a management role
3:34
Speaker 2: I thought would be long term.
3:36
Speaker 1: At the same time, I was undergoing IVF injections while
3:39
Speaker 1: pushing for a career progression, and somewhere along the way,
3:42
Speaker 1: I completely lost my spark. The hormones were intense, but
3:46
Speaker 1: I also feel I lost my sense of purpose. I've
3:49
Speaker 1: stepped back to casual work and paused IVF for now,
3:52
Speaker 1: and instead of relief, I feel overwhelming guilt and disappointment.
3:56
Speaker 1: Guilt for stopping something my partner and I really want
3:59
Speaker 1: in the future.
4:00
Speaker 2: Yes, we can try again.
4:01
Speaker 1: However, I feel guilty for not continuing and guilt for
4:05
Speaker 1: feeling like I'm going nowhere at my age. Intellectually, I
4:08
Speaker 1: know stepping back can be necessary for mental health, but emotionally,
4:12
Speaker 1: I feel selfish, weak, and pathetic for needing it. I'm
4:15
Speaker 1: deeply self critical and struggling to be okay with the
4:18
Speaker 1: idea that sometimes you have to pause or step back
4:21
Speaker 1: to find yourself again. I'd really appreciate your perspective on
4:24
Speaker 1: how to sit with guilt when you are prioritizing mental health.
4:27
Speaker 1: Thank you for the work you do and creating space
4:29
Speaker 1: for these conversations. Okay, awesome question, and I hate that
4:33
Speaker 1: you're going through that, but I am really glad that
4:35
Speaker 1: you did send this question in because I do feel
4:37
Speaker 1: like many people would find themselves in your situation, even
4:39
Speaker 1: if it's not specifically around IVF for work related things,
4:43
Speaker 1: but this idea of feeling that overwhelmed and needing to
4:46
Speaker 1: step back to find yourself again, I've been in that
4:49
Speaker 1: position several times, not just once in my life, like
4:52
Speaker 1: at least a good three times, if not more in
4:55
Speaker 1: my life, and it does feel extremely you're kind of
4:59
Speaker 1: stuck between a in a hard place. It seems like
5:01
Speaker 1: you're you're too overwhelmed when you're in the thick of it,
5:04
Speaker 1: and then you step back thinking, Okay, this is going
5:06
Speaker 1: to be what I need. But then you're like, oh
5:08
Speaker 1: my god, I'm falling behind or you know, or like
5:10
Speaker 1: what you're feeling, you're feeling selfish or weak or pathetic,
5:13
Speaker 1: you're feeling, you know, like you're going nowhere, and then
5:16
Speaker 1: that starts doing your head in as well. So it's like, well,
5:19
Speaker 1: what have I gained if I'm just you know, starting
5:22
Speaker 1: to like eat myself up about this. So this is
5:25
Speaker 1: what I want you to start to like how I
5:28
Speaker 1: want you to process this, because there's a few things
5:31
Speaker 1: that you can do. The first thing is I want
5:33
Speaker 1: you to look at the words that when you were
5:35
Speaker 1: talking about feeling guilty.
5:36
Speaker 2: Okay, this guilt that you're.
5:39
Speaker 1: Feeling, isn't you thinking, Okay, now I've got proof that
5:42
Speaker 1: I've made the wrong decision.
5:43
Speaker 2: Okay. The guilt that you feel is that you hold
5:46
Speaker 2: yourself at a really really high standard. Right, you obviously
5:48
Speaker 2: were performing really well at work. You know, you had
5:50
Speaker 2: this idea of starting a family.
5:52
Speaker 1: You probably thought, you know, there were several times where
5:54
Speaker 1: you probably thought this is going to be in and
5:56
Speaker 1: we're going to have a kid. Okay, you had these
5:57
Speaker 1: like really high standards for yourself, and that guilt that
6:00
Speaker 1: you're feeling now is just kind of proof that you
6:03
Speaker 1: hold yourself to a high standard. But sometimes that standard
6:06
Speaker 1: that you hold yourself to can be impossibly high. And
6:08
Speaker 1: when it comes to setting standards for ourselves, it's good
6:11
Speaker 1: to set the bar high and all of that, but
6:13
Speaker 1: sometimes the timelines do need to be pushed out a bit.
6:16
Speaker 1: Sometimes you will be a lot happier in your life
6:18
Speaker 1: if you were to stretch that timeline out just a
6:20
Speaker 1: little bit, give yourself a little bit more grace, because
6:23
Speaker 1: many things in our life we can control, but there's
6:26
Speaker 1: many things in our life that we can't control that
6:28
Speaker 1: require a lot of external forces at play, including our
6:32
Speaker 1: interaction with those external forces in order for something to
6:34
Speaker 1: come to pass, like having a baby for one of them,
6:37
Speaker 1: and also your career when you have to work with
6:38
Speaker 1: other people, and there's other factors involved in you becoming successful.
6:43
Speaker 1: So when you push that timeline out, it allows for
6:45
Speaker 1: all these variations to occur within your life without thinking
6:49
Speaker 1: it all has to be on me. I have to
6:51
Speaker 1: take control of the situation. It all has to be
6:52
Speaker 1: on me. When you're feeling guilty, you're saying I should
6:55
Speaker 1: have had control of it, absolutely everything, without acknowledging that
6:58
Speaker 1: you don't have over absolutely everything, and that is just life.
7:03
Speaker 1: So I really want you to think about stretching that
7:06
Speaker 1: timeline out a little bit, giving yourself a bit more time,
7:09
Speaker 1: you know, make sure that you're not saying, oh, my
7:11
Speaker 1: my five year plan, my three year plan, my ten
7:12
Speaker 1: year plan. I don't really agree with that because it
7:15
Speaker 1: makes us get really in our heads about when something
7:18
Speaker 1: should have happened, and instead focus on, you know, the
7:22
Speaker 1: things that you really hold close to you that you
7:24
Speaker 1: can control, like your relationship with your partner.
7:27
Speaker 2: You want to make sure that.
7:27
Speaker 1: That stays intact because ultimately, if you want this to work,
7:31
Speaker 1: if you want to have family with him, if you
7:33
Speaker 1: potentially have to go through one, maybe way more than
7:36
Speaker 1: one more rounds of IVF in the future, you want
7:38
Speaker 1: to be solid with your partner. So one of the
7:41
Speaker 1: things you've done that was right is pausing taking a
7:43
Speaker 1: step back. You need to recalibrate.
7:45
Speaker 2: Okay.
7:46
Speaker 1: Another thing that you need to think about is you
7:49
Speaker 1: by stepping back and doing what you did, you are
7:52
Speaker 1: protecting your future.
7:53
Speaker 2: Okay, you're not a quitter. You're not weak.
7:56
Speaker 1: You're not you know, knowing when to pull away, knowing
7:59
Speaker 1: when to pause, to quit, to step back is a
8:03
Speaker 1: massive strength. So instead of looking at it as a weakness,
8:07
Speaker 1: you've got to say to yourself, even though you might
8:10
Speaker 1: not feel like it, I'm telling you, I'm fucking you've
8:12
Speaker 1: written to me.
8:12
Speaker 2: I'm telling you it's a strength. Many people don't know.
8:16
Speaker 1: They don't know when to quit, they don't know when
8:18
Speaker 1: they need to pause, and they end up waiting until
8:20
Speaker 1: it's complete, overwhelmer, until something actually gives. And that could
8:23
Speaker 1: have been your relationship, you could have been your mental health,
8:25
Speaker 1: it could have been many things. So you did the
8:27
Speaker 1: right thing, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. Okay,
8:31
Speaker 1: this pause that you're doing is you're trying to find
8:36
Speaker 1: balance in your life again, Okay, So initially it is
8:39
Speaker 1: going to feel uncomfortable. It is absolutely normal that you
8:42
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable right now because you've gone from one extreme
8:44
Speaker 1: to another extreme. You're trying to find that balance. You're
8:47
Speaker 1: trying to so what you're feeling right now is also normal.
8:51
Speaker 1: But you've got to tell yourself, I don't have to
8:54
Speaker 1: feel okay right now, Okay, I've pulled back, I've ripped
8:58
Speaker 1: a bandaid off, and that of the band aid fucking hurt.
9:01
Speaker 1: But then I've got to give it a moment, and
9:02
Speaker 1: then I'm going to start to feel better. I'm going
9:04
Speaker 1: to start to focus on things outside of IVF and
9:07
Speaker 1: outside of my career where I can start to find,
9:11
Speaker 1: you know, those like pockets of peace and joy within
9:14
Speaker 1: the day. You know, maybe more social things if you
9:17
Speaker 1: are a social person, more things leaning into my hobbies,
9:19
Speaker 1: books that I love, things that are going to start
9:21
Speaker 1: to calm you down, calm your nervous system down, make
9:25
Speaker 1: you feel recalibrated and calmer, and then you are going
9:29
Speaker 1: to approach those other things again at the right time
9:32
Speaker 1: for you and for your partner. Okay, you don't be
9:35
Speaker 1: so strict on the timeline. You were twenty seven, okay,
9:38
Speaker 1: And when I was twenty seven I felt older than
9:42
Speaker 1: what I do now in my thirties, genuinely, Okay. It's
9:45
Speaker 1: I think there's this thing when you're on the cusp
9:47
Speaker 1: of turning thirty where we feel like that I'm getting
9:49
Speaker 1: on it.
9:49
Speaker 2: I'm telling you.
9:50
Speaker 1: You've got years, You've got years ahead of you, and
9:53
Speaker 1: it's okay to want things now. There's nothing wrong with
9:55
Speaker 1: wanting your family young. But I don't want you to
9:57
Speaker 1: tell yourself that you're wasting time, or that the cock
10:00
Speaker 1: is ticking too quickly, all of these things. And you've
10:02
Speaker 1: got to be nicer to yourself because you are doing
10:05
Speaker 1: all the right things.
10:06
Speaker 2: And I just really.
10:07
Speaker 1: Hope that you're able to take everything that I've said
10:09
Speaker 1: and start to talk yourself down off that ledge and
10:11
Speaker 1: feel a little bit nicer to yourself because as far
10:14
Speaker 1: as for the long term of your mental health and
10:16
Speaker 1: your relationship, you've one hundred percent done what was necessary
10:20
Speaker 1: to do.
10:21
Speaker 2: So hopefully that did help.
10:22
Speaker 1: I know it wasn't a straight up answer, but I
10:24
Speaker 1: really hope that that helps you feel a little bit
10:26
Speaker 1: better about your current situation.
10:29
Speaker 2: So thank you for writing in Okay.
10:32
Speaker 1: Next question, the title is Silent Treatment Trauma Help. Epic title, Alexis,
10:40
Speaker 1: your podcast is incredible. I wish I could send so
10:42
Speaker 1: many episodes to my younger self. Thank you for empowering
10:46
Speaker 1: people to not only respect themselves but also others.
10:49
Speaker 2: I'm having some really difficult issues with a.
10:51
Speaker 1: Friend of mine who I unfortunately also have to work
10:54
Speaker 1: with as we are tied into projects together that will
10:56
Speaker 1: last for the next year at least. The last time
10:59
Speaker 1: we were together, she was really horrible to me. She
11:02
Speaker 1: took every opportunity she could to talk about how stupid
11:05
Speaker 1: I was because of the mistakes I had made on
11:07
Speaker 1: our project, and would always just make nasty and unnecessary
11:11
Speaker 1: comments and statements. I didn't bring it up with her
11:14
Speaker 1: at the time because she had just been through a
11:16
Speaker 1: lot and I was trying to understand, and I was
11:19
Speaker 1: trying to be understanding. But looking back on it, I
11:21
Speaker 1: wish I had protected myself a little more.
11:23
Speaker 2: Fast forward a few weeks, I.
11:25
Speaker 1: Snapped at her for a split second because of all
11:27
Speaker 1: the pent up resentment that I had, and now she
11:29
Speaker 1: won't talk to me, and she made a real storm
11:32
Speaker 1: in a tea cup about the situation. I reached out
11:35
Speaker 1: to her and really, really calmly and told her that
11:38
Speaker 1: I was sorry, but that I had a lot of
11:40
Speaker 1: tension towards her and I wanted us to talk on
11:42
Speaker 1: the phone. I wanted to have a proper discussion around
11:45
Speaker 1: how I felt and why I.
11:46
Speaker 2: Was sitting with me.
11:47
Speaker 1: I haven't heard from her since, and I'm struggling with
11:49
Speaker 1: the uncomfortable feeling of not only wanting to stand up
11:52
Speaker 1: for myself and address her comments, but also feeling like
11:54
Speaker 1: I'm in the wrong and I've just ruined our working
11:57
Speaker 1: relationship and friendship.
11:59
Speaker 2: In your wisdom, I know you're going.
12:00
Speaker 1: To want me to really think hard if I've done
12:03
Speaker 1: anything to deserve the way she's been treating me. But
12:05
Speaker 1: I can promise you I have been nothing but kind
12:08
Speaker 1: to her throughout this whole process. Please snap me back
12:11
Speaker 1: to reality and explain why people can just cut you
12:14
Speaker 1: off and act this way. I'd feel terrible ignoring something
12:17
Speaker 1: that was trying to reach out to work things out.
12:21
Speaker 1: If it's almost as if she hated me for a
12:24
Speaker 1: while and now she's got the ability to run with it,
12:26
Speaker 1: Can you shed some light on this situation?
12:28
Speaker 2: Thank you? Okay, the last sentence that you.
12:31
Speaker 1: Said actually might hold a lot of truth a lot
12:34
Speaker 1: of people Normally this happens in relationships when someone's a
12:37
Speaker 1: fucking coward and they push you to the limit, and
12:39
Speaker 1: then when you're the one that snaps or done.
12:40
Speaker 2: And they're like, you left, you left me.
12:42
Speaker 1: But friends do it too, There could be something, Maybe
12:47
Speaker 1: there could be weight to the last sentence that you
12:49
Speaker 1: said or not. But yeah, it is true that sometimes people.
12:52
Speaker 2: Will push you, push you, push you, push you, push
12:53
Speaker 2: you to the.
12:54
Speaker 1: Edge, so you snap, and then they're the innocent ones.
12:57
Speaker 1: You're technically the one that took control of the situation,
12:59
Speaker 1: and then they can be.
13:00
Speaker 2: The ones that fall into this ohm, powerless to what happened.
13:03
Speaker 2: I was the victim.
13:03
Speaker 1: You you you you you, and then they feel like
13:06
Speaker 1: better better about themselves, about the whole thing.
13:09
Speaker 2: So that is a possibility.
13:11
Speaker 1: Another thing that I want you to acknowledge because you say,
13:14
Speaker 1: explain to me why people can just cut you off,
13:16
Speaker 1: and actually this way, because although she was your friend,
13:19
Speaker 1: you also have to remind yourself that you don't you
13:22
Speaker 1: don't live inside her head. Unfortunately, for a lot for us,
13:26
Speaker 1: you know, for the good people that try and be
13:28
Speaker 1: empathetic and sympathetic and all of that. Unfortunately, people are
13:32
Speaker 1: going to act in a way that maybe you wouldn't act,
13:34
Speaker 1: that we wouldn't act. You know, They're not going to
13:36
Speaker 1: treat you the same way you would treat them. They
13:38
Speaker 1: don't reason the same way you would reason. So sometimes
13:41
Speaker 1: the actions seem like unbelievable and you think it can't
13:46
Speaker 1: be that. There's got to be a different reason there's
13:47
Speaker 1: got to be this.
13:48
Speaker 2: But at the end of the day, they don't.
13:50
Speaker 1: Operate the way you operate. If they did, you would
13:52
Speaker 1: understand what went down very easily.
13:54
Speaker 2: But they don't.
13:55
Speaker 1: So you're there racking your brain thinking, you know, why
13:58
Speaker 1: did they respond this way?
13:59
Speaker 2: Why did they snap at me? Why did they start
14:01
Speaker 2: hating me? Why?
14:02
Speaker 1: Why? Why? Why? Why why? Why? You could go insane
14:04
Speaker 1: the amount of people that have written to me where
14:06
Speaker 1: a friend has just snapped turned on them, started bitching
14:10
Speaker 1: to them, ghosted them. We're talking friends, not even romantically,
14:13
Speaker 1: ghosted them, and they're still in the same friendship group.
14:15
Speaker 1: Like weird fucking shit that people do. And unfortunately, other
14:20
Speaker 1: than you approaching them and trying to address it, like
14:25
Speaker 1: straight to their face, hit them between the eyes with it, unfortunately,
14:27
Speaker 1: there's nothing else.
14:28
Speaker 2: That you can do about it.
14:29
Speaker 1: But one thing to know, not that it's not necessarily
14:32
Speaker 1: going to help the situation, is that this happens pretty often,
14:35
Speaker 1: weirdly enough, pretty often, And I know firsthand because I
14:39
Speaker 1: have you guys writing to me about it.
14:41
Speaker 2: So what do you do about it? Is the question?
14:43
Speaker 2: What do you do?
14:44
Speaker 1: Because you've you know, you've tried to address it. She's
14:48
Speaker 1: not interested to talk about it. You snapped, I wouldn't
14:51
Speaker 1: even be I wouldn't even be upset that I snapped, Like,
14:53
Speaker 1: you're human, Okay. If someone was an absolute can't hunt
14:57
Speaker 1: to my face, right, I would be like amazed if
15:00
Speaker 1: I didn't snap on the spot to them. I would
15:02
Speaker 1: put someone in their fucking place if they were like
15:04
Speaker 1: yelling at me and accusing me of shit and whatever.
15:06
Speaker 1: If I knew that I wasn't in the wrong, you
15:07
Speaker 1: would know about how I feel. I would fucking tell
15:10
Speaker 1: you to your face. So the fact that you held
15:11
Speaker 1: on and then snapped later, that's I feel like that's
15:15
Speaker 1: a bit of restraint. You administered some fucking self restraint there,
15:18
Speaker 1: and I'm you know, it is what it is.
15:20
Speaker 2: If she's got an issue with how you snapped at her,
15:22
Speaker 2: then the woman is deluded. She's deluded and she's hypocritical,
15:26
Speaker 2: and that again, is not your problem.
15:27
Speaker 1: You know. Sometimes we feel like, oh, fuck, now, I snapped. Yeah, Ideally,
15:32
Speaker 1: ideally you would have not wanted to snap, and you
15:35
Speaker 1: would have walked away with your head held high. And
15:36
Speaker 1: then she yeah, okay, but it's not an ideal world
15:39
Speaker 1: a lot of the time, and you're human and people
15:42
Speaker 1: push you to your limits, so I wouldn't even I
15:45
Speaker 1: wouldn't dwell on that at all.
15:47
Speaker 2: The fact that she's got a problem.
15:48
Speaker 1: About you snapping is because she's exactly what you said.
15:51
Speaker 1: She's trying to take that and run with it so
15:53
Speaker 1: it makes her feel better about her pathetic behavior towards
15:56
Speaker 1: you earlier. What I would do is nothing. That's what
16:00
Speaker 1: I would do. I would walk in to work next time,
16:02
Speaker 1: and I would just keep it strictly professional. Okay, if
16:06
Speaker 1: she wants to be rude to you, if she wants
16:07
Speaker 1: to snap, just remind yourself this is no longer a
16:09
Speaker 1: friend of mine. I did try and reach out. I
16:11
Speaker 1: did try and you know, get her to talk to me.
16:16
Speaker 2: I did.
16:17
Speaker 1: I've tried, right, and then on top of that, I've
16:19
Speaker 1: also snapped because I've had enough, and then I've apologized.
16:22
Speaker 1: So there's literally nothing you can do at this point.
16:25
Speaker 1: There is nothing you can do. So with that, I
16:27
Speaker 1: would be like I've done when I needed to do.
16:28
Speaker 1: This person's clearly not my friend. A friend would communicate, okay,
16:33
Speaker 1: even if they were angry, they would at least communicate.
16:35
Speaker 1: A friend would at least be like, I need space
16:37
Speaker 1: for whatever reason I need this. This is what you've
16:39
Speaker 1: done to piss me off. If you had done something
16:42
Speaker 1: to piss her off and she doesn't think, well, maybe
16:45
Speaker 1: I should tell her what she's done to piss me.
16:47
Speaker 2: Off, that's now on her. Okay. So your job now
16:50
Speaker 2: is to say I seen what I needed to see,
16:54
Speaker 2: and that's it. I'm going to be professional. Every morning
16:57
Speaker 2: before you leave the house, just say I need to
17:00
Speaker 2: be professional. Does it suck? Yes? Is there anything you
17:02
Speaker 2: can do about her behavior?
17:03
Speaker 1: No? Okay, So you just have to be professional and
17:06
Speaker 1: deal with her in the most professional sense possible.
17:09
Speaker 2: You've got a year working on a project with her.
17:11
Speaker 2: Who can be more professional? You can? Okay, So that's
17:14
Speaker 2: gonna be your thing.
17:15
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the professional one here,
17:18
Speaker 1: and she can lose a friendship and then she can
17:20
Speaker 1: lose her mind as well and snap and embarrass herself.
17:23
Speaker 2: But I'm done. I'm fucking done, and I'm detaching. That's
17:26
Speaker 2: what I would do.
17:27
Speaker 1: Okay, next question, sense, Hi, Alexis. Okay, the subject is
17:36
Speaker 1: I work my ass off, but I guess I'm still
17:38
Speaker 1: just a soggy piece of bread.
17:41
Speaker 2: High Alexis. I have added soggy lemons and.
17:44
Speaker 1: Soggy piece of bread into my daily lingo because of you.
17:47
Speaker 2: So thank you for that. It's been life changing. Thank you.
17:49
Speaker 2: I love that.
17:50
Speaker 1: So many fucking soggy lemons out there though, honestly, anyway,
17:53
Speaker 1: back to the email, I have been at my job
17:56
Speaker 1: for two and a half years, and I've worked my
17:57
Speaker 1: ass off every day, but new opportunities promotions always get
18:01
Speaker 1: offered to this one other girl I work with. I
18:03
Speaker 1: get along with her, and I consider her a good
18:05
Speaker 1: coworker friend, but I can't help.
18:07
Speaker 2: But feel so bothered.
18:09
Speaker 1: She also works hard and cares about her job, but
18:12
Speaker 1: she's also really pretty extroverted and kind of a kiss us,
18:16
Speaker 1: whereas I'm more introverted, quiet and prefer to let my
18:19
Speaker 1: work speak for itself. How do I A be okay
18:22
Speaker 1: with the fact that I will never be the kind
18:23
Speaker 1: of person to kiss us, which may impact my success,
18:26
Speaker 1: and b stop being bothered about not being hot or
18:29
Speaker 1: pretty enough for the physical attractiveness stereotype to work for
18:33
Speaker 1: me as always thanking you for your advice and sending love. Okay, Okay,
18:41
Speaker 1: I think the situation that you're in is obviously a
18:44
Speaker 1: bit unfair, but Unfortunately, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Okay,
18:49
Speaker 1: the people that are you know, kissing us loudest, look
18:52
Speaker 1: at my work, and that she's you know, like the
18:55
Speaker 1: squeaky will gets the grease. She's the one who's like
18:57
Speaker 1: in people's faces, kissing us, you know, show her face,
19:00
Speaker 1: showing her face, showing showing face. She's she's gaining more attention. Okay,
19:04
Speaker 1: looks as well, and I'm not gonna I'm we're not even.
19:08
Speaker 1: The thing is that you can't do anything about the
19:09
Speaker 1: looks department if you're saying she's way pretty and that's
19:12
Speaker 1: why she's getting at and I don't have those looks whatever.
19:13
Speaker 2: I mean, who am I to judge?
19:15
Speaker 1: I don't know who's hotter, but that is sucks, full
19:18
Speaker 1: stop pretty privilege or whatever.
19:20
Speaker 2: But as far as you're saying kiss asked and she's a.
19:22
Speaker 1: Lot louder, and you know she's extroverted, that is going
19:27
Speaker 1: to put her.
19:28
Speaker 2: You know, the top.
19:30
Speaker 1: Awareness level of the bosses, people that are going to
19:33
Speaker 1: promote her, people that are going to give her more opportunities,
19:35
Speaker 1: you know, And unfortunately, when you are more introverted, unfortunately,
19:39
Speaker 1: part of getting promoted, not only is being good at
19:41
Speaker 1: your work, but it's demonstrating this hunger, this eagerness, this
19:45
Speaker 1: this especially from like you told me what city you're from.
19:48
Speaker 1: I don't know if you want New York Bean, there's
19:50
Speaker 1: the big enough city. It's I always make it anonymously,
19:52
Speaker 1: you said from a New York Bean. I feel like
19:54
Speaker 1: New York is very like hustle, hustle, hustle, get to
19:55
Speaker 1: the top, get to the top, based on what I've heard. Okay,
19:59
Speaker 1: So I feel like, especially in a city like that,
20:01
Speaker 1: where it's like so many people like gunning for the
20:04
Speaker 1: same kind of role and so many people gunning for
20:06
Speaker 1: you know, I feel like, unfortunately for you, it would
20:10
Speaker 1: require a personality trait that's not natural to you for
20:14
Speaker 1: it to look like you're really hungry for it. There's
20:16
Speaker 1: a chance that your bosses are like you know, you're introverted,
20:20
Speaker 1: quiet and prefer to let your works beat for itself.
20:22
Speaker 1: You probably are a gun at your work, But are
20:24
Speaker 1: you showing that you want more, more, more, more and
20:28
Speaker 1: more progression? Because one thing that you could do without
20:30
Speaker 1: kissing us and without you know, you don't have to
20:33
Speaker 1: be you don't have to kiss us and you don't
20:35
Speaker 1: have to be extroverted and loud and in your face.
20:38
Speaker 1: But one thing that I would recommend you do is
20:41
Speaker 1: every so often let it be known that you are
20:44
Speaker 1: interested in progressing the career ladder. Like I would have
20:47
Speaker 1: a conversation with my boss and say, hey, is it
20:48
Speaker 1: possible to meet up?
20:50
Speaker 2: You know, you set every like.
20:52
Speaker 1: What threem every quarter or whatever, to talk about career
20:54
Speaker 1: progression within the company. Is it possible, like you, even
20:57
Speaker 1: without kissing us. I think it's important that you that
21:00
Speaker 1: they don't take your introversion and you're you know, quiet,
21:05
Speaker 1: you know traits as you're happy what you are, because
21:08
Speaker 1: unfortunately you have to you know, you have to make
21:13
Speaker 1: noise in order to be noticed.
21:15
Speaker 2: You have to kind of ask for what you want.
21:16
Speaker 1: You've got to push for what you want, and that's
21:18
Speaker 1: where you're going to be getting the pay raisers and
21:21
Speaker 1: the promotions and all of that. So if I were you,
21:24
Speaker 1: I would get in front of my boss. You don't
21:25
Speaker 1: even have to suck up. Get in front of my
21:27
Speaker 1: boss and say, you know, I want to progress. What
21:30
Speaker 1: does it take for me to progress? I think my
21:32
Speaker 1: work is speaking for itself. If you think there's more
21:33
Speaker 1: I need to do, let's talk about it, how like,
21:35
Speaker 1: I could this be a mental thing?
21:37
Speaker 2: Could you help me? You need? You know, without sucking.
21:40
Speaker 1: Up, you need to get in front of their face
21:41
Speaker 1: and be like, if you haven't noticed through my work,
21:43
Speaker 1: I'm going to tell you to your face.
21:44
Speaker 2: I want to go up.
21:46
Speaker 1: It's necessary, unfortunately, and that's how you're going to be.
21:50
Speaker 1: You know, how do I be okay with the fact
21:52
Speaker 1: that I'll never be the kind of fast to kiss us,
21:54
Speaker 1: which might impact my success by having the conversation. You
21:57
Speaker 1: need to show that you're hungry in other ways and
21:59
Speaker 1: you can do. If they then don't want to see that,
22:02
Speaker 1: then you've got to ask yourself. And I'm happy staying
22:05
Speaker 1: in a role where I'm not being listened to, even
22:08
Speaker 1: though I know I'm the best at my work here.
22:10
Speaker 1: That's the question you've got to ask yourself. Okay, thank
22:13
Speaker 1: you for writing in love that Now, one final question?
22:17
Speaker 2: How much time do we have? Yes? Okay, We've got time?
22:20
Speaker 1: Okay, Hi, Alexis please find my head noise. Question below
22:24
Speaker 1: the subject is please break my curse. This year, one
22:28
Speaker 1: of my resolutions is to date with intention as I
22:31
Speaker 1: want to find my life partner. However, I am unsure
22:34
Speaker 1: of how to actually do this. Currently, I seem to
22:37
Speaker 1: be stuck in a cycle that keeps repeating itself. I'm out,
22:41
Speaker 1: I meet someone, I feel a connection, we hook up,
22:43
Speaker 1: and then nothing comes from it. These aren't bad guys.
22:46
Speaker 1: They are objectively kind, smart and interesting. But I'm beginning
22:50
Speaker 1: to feel like I'm cursed because each of them don't
22:52
Speaker 1: want anything serious or has just come out of a relationship.
22:56
Speaker 1: I would love your advice on how to break out
22:58
Speaker 1: of this cycle. The first thing that I want you
23:00
Speaker 1: to do is don't do not I know it's hard,
23:04
Speaker 1: but don't refer to yourself as being cursed, because then
23:06
Speaker 1: we get into these negative spirals. We kind of start
23:08
Speaker 1: like spiraling, spiraling, spiraling, and then we start projecting.
23:11
Speaker 2: So you're definitely not cursed.
23:12
Speaker 1: I do acknowledge that the dating scene is a bit hectic,
23:15
Speaker 1: but this is not a you problem.
23:17
Speaker 2: Okay.
23:18
Speaker 1: What you need to ask yourself is like, how clear
23:22
Speaker 1: am I with my communication when I'm out on a
23:25
Speaker 1: date or when i'm you know it's true things, how
23:27
Speaker 1: are you communicating across what you want? And I'm not
23:29
Speaker 1: saying you've got to like on date one, you got
23:31
Speaker 1: to be like, oh I want marriage, I want.
23:34
Speaker 2: XYZ and you start listening it.
23:35
Speaker 1: No, obviously you don't want to come across as like
23:37
Speaker 1: really extremely intense.
23:38
Speaker 2: But how are you going about you know.
23:40
Speaker 1: You say you meet someone, you're out and you meet someone,
23:43
Speaker 1: you feel the connection, you hook up, and then nothing
23:44
Speaker 1: comes from it. Are you hooking up with this person
23:46
Speaker 1: on the first time you meet them, you know, because
23:49
Speaker 1: they might And I'm not saying like god gold, mind
23:52
Speaker 1: you goth fucking gold if you want to, But what
23:54
Speaker 1: I'm saying is, when you first meet someone, are you
23:58
Speaker 1: giving off the energy like this is going to be
24:01
Speaker 1: a one time thing, I'm never going to see you again,
24:02
Speaker 1: it's just for fun, because they might be reading into
24:04
Speaker 1: it that way, thinking that's what you want as well,
24:07
Speaker 1: So it's this mutual thing.
24:09
Speaker 2: Or are you setting it up in a way where
24:11
Speaker 2: you are.
24:12
Speaker 1: Going to see this person for an actual proper date
24:15
Speaker 1: and then you hook up after that. I think it's
24:19
Speaker 1: important that the intention is set from the beginning of
24:22
Speaker 1: I'm really interested, I really like you. Let's continue this
24:24
Speaker 1: conversation on a date. Let's continue this, you know, like
24:28
Speaker 1: where you're actually able to set a time and a date,
24:31
Speaker 1: or at the very least have an exchange of numbers
24:32
Speaker 1: where you can then message and set up a time
24:35
Speaker 1: and date to meet up after it's am I going
24:37
Speaker 1: to go on a second actual date? Not come over
24:40
Speaker 1: and let's falk chill on my cash?
24:41
Speaker 2: No?
24:42
Speaker 1: No, no, I'm be going to put in the effort
24:43
Speaker 1: to see each other again. You're going to know that
24:45
Speaker 1: straight away when you when you're able, after you have
24:47
Speaker 1: a good conversation with someone, it's pretty clear if we've
24:52
Speaker 1: got to fuck and ask, But you can make it
24:54
Speaker 1: really clear very quickly, is does this thing have legs?
24:58
Speaker 1: And if it doesn't have legs, I wouldn't other hooking
25:00
Speaker 1: up with them, I wouldn't kiss them. But if you're like, yeah,
25:02
Speaker 1: this has legs, we've spoken about it, we've exchanged numbers,
25:04
Speaker 1: we're going to meet up and do something over the
25:06
Speaker 1: weekend or whatever.
25:07
Speaker 2: I'll fucking swing you a pash. Why not, you know?
25:10
Speaker 2: But if it's like oh yeah.
25:12
Speaker 1: Connection, connection, connection, we make out whatever, they might be
25:15
Speaker 1: getting that vibe from you too, So it's not necessarily
25:18
Speaker 1: that you're cursed and whatever. But you've got to say, like,
25:21
Speaker 1: how clear am I with what I want? Like I'm
25:24
Speaker 1: somebody that goes on a date to get to know somebody,
25:27
Speaker 1: so it doesn't have to be like I'm only interested
25:29
Speaker 1: in something serious. But you're like, if we're going to
25:31
Speaker 1: get to know each other, I want to do it
25:33
Speaker 1: on a proper date. I want to do it getting
25:35
Speaker 1: a coffee, going for a walk or whatever it is,
25:38
Speaker 1: like a dinner or whatever. But I want a date
25:41
Speaker 1: to actually continue to get to know you. Before you know,
25:44
Speaker 1: I lean into what you might interpret as something super
25:47
Speaker 1: casual that I don't want anything else out of okay,
25:51
Speaker 1: And then the next thing, which might be a little
25:53
Speaker 1: bit harder, is you got to ask yourself, am I
25:54
Speaker 1: always gravitating to the same type of person? Because even
25:58
Speaker 1: though you can't control how they're going to treat you,
26:01
Speaker 1: you can start to control which people you tend to
26:04
Speaker 1: gravitate towards and why you tend to do that, Like,
26:08
Speaker 1: why do you see yourself getting kind of drawn towards
26:11
Speaker 1: particular people?
26:12
Speaker 2: Is there a pattern?
26:14
Speaker 1: Is it that you are particularly attracted to a certain
26:17
Speaker 1: kind of person.
26:17
Speaker 2: Have you tried.
26:20
Speaker 1: Dating someone that's not your regular type? Have you tried
26:23
Speaker 1: even just chatting to someone that's not the normal person that.
26:26
Speaker 2: You would normally go for? You know, in a dating situation.
26:30
Speaker 1: Sometimes we don't realize it until we shed light on it,
26:33
Speaker 1: but sometimes that we start to get into these patterns
26:37
Speaker 1: of people that we kind of start leaning.
26:38
Speaker 2: Towards, Like, nothing wrong with going for.
26:41
Speaker 1: The charismatic person, but is that charismatic person clearly someone
26:44
Speaker 1: who's charismatic only to be you know, like a ladies
26:48
Speaker 1: man who's you know, you know, wanting to date all
26:52
Speaker 1: these people at the same time and you're like, oh
26:54
Speaker 1: my god, hot, charismatic, great energy, whatever, when you're like,
26:59
Speaker 1: deep down a fuck know that this person is not
27:01
Speaker 1: fucking interested in commitment, you know, like, how are you
27:03
Speaker 1: reading these people? Do you think you've got a good
27:05
Speaker 1: read on them when you meet them, when you talk
27:08
Speaker 1: to them, what kind of conversations are you having, what
27:11
Speaker 1: are they what information are they giving you about their
27:14
Speaker 1: character and themselves that makes you think, yes, this could
27:17
Speaker 1: go somewhere, or no, this couldn't. Because you're going to
27:19
Speaker 1: start to feel more empowered as well in the dating
27:21
Speaker 1: scene if you're the one that can also pull the
27:23
Speaker 1: pin on things, being like this is actually going absolutely
27:26
Speaker 1: nowhere where I think I need it to go. So
27:28
Speaker 1: I'm the one that's going to step away I'm the
27:29
Speaker 1: one that's going to pull the pin on this.
27:30
Speaker 2: Okay, So it's a bit of both.
27:33
Speaker 1: It's how am I communicating my ones and also how
27:38
Speaker 1: am I selecting people? How good am I at picking
27:40
Speaker 1: these people then selecting them?
27:42
Speaker 2: Mate? Can I like?
27:42
Speaker 1: Can I refine my radar a little bit? And more
27:45
Speaker 1: often than not, you're going to realize that there are
27:48
Speaker 1: certain things you can do to refine your radar, and
27:51
Speaker 1: to try meeting and talking to different people, even if
27:53
Speaker 1: you don't want to go out and date different people,
27:55
Speaker 1: just try having conversations and talking to different people that
27:58
Speaker 1: you normally wouldn't go for, and you're going to start
28:00
Speaker 1: to realize, oh, okay, so this is what real interest
28:03
Speaker 1: looks like versus this other thing. And then you can
28:06
Speaker 1: start like entertaining people that maybe you thought, oh, not interested, not,
28:09
Speaker 1: don't like that, look, don't like whatever. And then you're like, actually,
28:13
Speaker 1: this is going somewhere. This is actually a conversation that
28:15
Speaker 1: I can get really involved in. This is I like
28:17
Speaker 1: this kind of interest. I like it when this person
28:18
Speaker 1: asked me these questions. I like someone who's going to
28:21
Speaker 1: follow through. And then you can actually start getting interested
28:23
Speaker 1: in other kinds of people.
28:25
Speaker 2: Hopefully that helped. I know it was quite vague.
28:27
Speaker 1: I don't have that much insight into your dating life,
28:29
Speaker 1: but hopefully those things have helped.
28:32
Speaker 2: Guys. That is the head Noise episode of today.
28:36
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for writing in. Next week, I'm
28:39
Speaker 1: going to do as many voice mail questions if you
28:42
Speaker 1: do want to send in a voicemail question, I mean
28:44
Speaker 1: I've got heaps, but if you want to send in more,
28:47
Speaker 1: because we're just going to be pumping through head Noise
28:49
Speaker 1: questions with two episodes a week now, I'm so excited
28:51
Speaker 1: about that, then you can send the voicemail on the website,
28:55
Speaker 1: so it's www dot dyfmpod dot com, or you can
28:58
Speaker 1: send in your email noise question at info at dyfmpot
29:03
Speaker 1: dot com. That is all, guys, Thank you so much.
29:05
Speaker 1: As always, remember becind to yourself, becind to your brain.
29:08
Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
29:11
Speaker 1: from yourself.
29:11
Speaker 2: Don't care