Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / When All Their Friends Have Phones and You’re Standing Firm

Transcript

When All Their Friends Have Phones and You’re Standing Firm · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: Today and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Screens are
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  Speaker 1: at the center of pretty much every parenting dilemma we're
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  Speaker 1: facing today. It's so common for us to be grappling
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  Speaker 1: with how our children interact with screens, how screens interact
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  Speaker 1: with how children interact with them. He is, screens are
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  Speaker 1: at the core of every major parenting dilemma, or at
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  Speaker 1: least the vast majority of them. And today, answering your
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  Speaker 1: tricky questions, I'm flying solo, Misshappy Families can't be with
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  Speaker 1: me today, But right after the break, we're going to
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  Speaker 1: dip into a tricky question about helping kids to be connected.
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  Speaker 1: When all the friends are on screens and you're trying
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  Speaker 1: so hard to not have your kids on screens, what
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  Speaker 1: are we supposed to do that?
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  Speaker 2: Next? Stay with us.
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  Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Real parenting Solutions
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  Speaker 1: every single day. It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. My
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  Speaker 1: name stops Justin Colson, dad to six, daughter's husband to
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  Speaker 1: one wife, author of nine books. Of the tenth book
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  Speaker 1: is about to hit the bookshelves only a couple of
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  Speaker 1: months ago. Now about raising boys, But today one of
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  Speaker 1: your tricky questions if you've got a question like you'd
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  Speaker 1: like to ask, just jump online to happy families dot
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  Speaker 1: com dot a you. We have a super simple system
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  Speaker 1: there where you can click a button start talking about
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  Speaker 1: anything that's on your mind, anything that you're struggling with.
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  Speaker 1: I'd love to know about it. Happy families dot com
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  Speaker 1: dot you, or you can send a voice memo to
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  Speaker 1: podcasts at happy families dot com dot AU. Here we
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  Speaker 1: go with today's tricky question. This one is from Carolyn
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  Speaker 1: in Melbourne.
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  Speaker 3: Hi, my name's Carolyn. I'm calling from Greensboro. I'm looking
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  Speaker 3: for some guidance around peer groups and the pressure that
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  Speaker 3: they put on on children. I have an eleven year
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  Speaker 3: old daughter who is really looking to spend some more
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  Speaker 3: time with her peers and get a mobile phone and
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  Speaker 3: follow the crowd. We have some pretty strict boundaries at home,
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  Speaker 3: and I'm concerned that in sticking to those is actually
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  Speaker 3: going to push her away. Can you please give me
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  Speaker 3: some advice around the best way to manage this?
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  Speaker 1: Thank you, okay, Carolyn. Not an uncommon question and something
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  Speaker 1: that so many parents are struggling with. Kids want to
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  Speaker 1: connect with their peers, peers are on phones. Child now
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  Speaker 1: ons a phone you've got a strategy around keeping your
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  Speaker 1: children off phones for as long as time we'll allow it.
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  Speaker 1: How do we navigate this? I think the first thing
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  Speaker 1: is that we've got to start with the validation of
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  Speaker 1: the need. We've got an loven year old daughter here
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  Speaker 1: who is asking for something that is both healthy and
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  Speaker 1: age appropriate, more connection with her peers around about eleven
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  Speaker 1: ish friendships become central to identity development, they're central to
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  Speaker 1: well being. This is a good thing. We don't want
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  Speaker 1: to fight this need. We want to support it. It's
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  Speaker 1: just that the method of supporting it needs a little
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  Speaker 1: bit of finessing. And there's some conversations that need to
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  Speaker 1: be had with your daughter. I should also add some
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  Speaker 1: of these conversations are just not going to go very well,
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  Speaker 1: no matter how carefully you follow in instructions that would
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  Speaker 1: discussing this podcast. So let's talk about this idea of
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  Speaker 1: strict boundaries, because it's very clear from what you've said, Caroen,
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  Speaker 1: that you're worried that by having boundaries in place, that
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  Speaker 1: you're going to push your daughter away. And it's true
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  Speaker 1: that sometimes boundaries can do that. Rules without relationships lead
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  Speaker 1: to rebellion, but research also shows that kids do not
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  Speaker 1: pull away from parents who hold firm on important values
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  Speaker 1: and boundaries. They pull away though, from parents who are
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  Speaker 1: dismissive or controlling, or who are unwilling to listen. That is,
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  Speaker 1: there are a range of autonomy supportive and need supportive
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  Speaker 1: behaviors that you can engage in that facilitate the development
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  Speaker 1: and the internalization a willingness to follow boundaries. So there
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  Speaker 1: are five or six different ways that we can look
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  Speaker 1: at how your child's going to regulate herself. The first
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  Speaker 1: one is external regulators. That's basically you threatening or promising
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  Speaker 1: goodies when the kids do the right thing completely, an effective,
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  Speaker 1: lowest form of education. The next kind is this thing
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  Speaker 1: that's called interjective. That's when I'm doing it because I
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  Speaker 1: have to. No one's making it, but I'm doing it
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  Speaker 1: because I'm supposed to. I should, I have to, I must.
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  Speaker 1: The third kind is the one that we're trying to
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  Speaker 1: get to here when it comes to your child being
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  Speaker 1: on board with the boundaries and going, Okay, they're strict,
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  Speaker 1: but I get it. And this is where the word
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  Speaker 1: values really sort of this is the lynch pin the
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  Speaker 1: hinge point. Values are things that I get like, I
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  Speaker 1: value it. I see the benefit of it. I buy
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  Speaker 1: the why. I understand the rationale. So when I say
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  Speaker 1: that you're worried that having these boundaries are going to
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  Speaker 1: push her away, they'll only push her away if she
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  Speaker 1: perceives that the boundaries are unfairly controlling, or that you're
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  Speaker 1: dismissive of her needs and you're not willing to listen
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  Speaker 1: to what's going on. You can create boundaries where she goes,
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  Speaker 1: Oh okay, So you're getting where I'm coming from. But
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  Speaker 1: I understand your rationale, understand your why. I understand the
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  Speaker 1: reason that you're saying that these boundaries are in place.
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  Speaker 1: Your child might not like the boundaries, but they'll be like, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: this kind of makes sense. Don't like it, but it
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  Speaker 1: makes sense. Therefore, I'm identifying my regulation around this, my
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  Speaker 1: motivation around this is what psychologists would call identified regulation,
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  Speaker 1: and this is what we're trying to get to. This
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  Speaker 1: means that you can develop boundaries with her and stay
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  Speaker 1: close with her because of it's not what you say,
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  Speaker 1: it's how you say it. It's not what you do,
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  Speaker 1: it's how you do it. So all we're really trying
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  Speaker 1: to do is separate the phone from her connection with
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  Speaker 1: her peers. You can tell her that the phone is
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  Speaker 1: a tool, but it's not the only tool for meeting
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  Speaker 1: her need for peer connection. What we're trying to do
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  Speaker 1: is find ways to say yes to more friend time
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  Speaker 1: while saying not yet to the phone. And in our home,
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  Speaker 1: we've done a lot of this around having a landline,
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  Speaker 1: minimizing our children's access to devices, and finding other ways
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  Speaker 1: for them to communicate or if they do need to
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  Speaker 1: do it, being on a very strictly monitored chat group
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  Speaker 1: that the parents know what's going on, they can be
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  Speaker 1: involved in any time because it's on a parent phone. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: so we're going to talk about how we do all
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  Speaker 1: of that right after the break, including a framework or model,
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  Speaker 1: plus some scripts that you can use that will make
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  Speaker 1: these conversations work. Stay with us, we're back. This is
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  Speaker 1: the Happy Family's podcast, answering your tricky questions. If you
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  Speaker 1: find these answers helpful, if you think the podcast is
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  Speaker 1: making difference in your family, please share it with your friends.
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  Speaker 1: Just click the shared button and pass along to somebody
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  Speaker 1: that you think might benefit from the conversation we're having. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: so you've heard me. If you've listened to the podcast
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  Speaker 1: for any long time talk about the three's of effective discipline.
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  Speaker 1: I want to step into that with a little bit
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  Speaker 1: of nuance and a little bit of a little bit
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  Speaker 1: of scripting around this. Let's talk about explore, explain, empower.
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  Speaker 1: Got a child wants to use the phone, wants to
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  Speaker 1: be connected with a friends, and we're saying.
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  Speaker 2: We don't love this.
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  Speaker 1: So let's start with explore, Because where you're gathering that
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  Speaker 1: information and showing that you care about her perspective, this
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  Speaker 1: is an autonomy supportive behavior. You say things like tell
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  Speaker 1: me more about what you're hoping that a phone will
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  Speaker 1: give you, or what do your friends do on the
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  Speaker 1: phone when you're together, or how does it feel being
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  Speaker 1: the only one that doesn't have a phone. So as
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  Speaker 1: you get this information and you're genuinely trying to see
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  Speaker 1: her perspective, you're not doing it because it's a tactic.
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  Speaker 1: You're doing it because you actually care about what's going
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  Speaker 1: on in her world. She hopefully opens up, she shares,
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  Speaker 1: she talks to you about it.
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  Speaker 2: She's not trying to sell you.
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  Speaker 1: She's just answering questions about what's going on with the phone,
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  Speaker 1: why it's so important, and why using the device is
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  Speaker 1: such an integral part of making these connections work. Once
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  Speaker 1: you've done that, and you've done it really effectively to
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  Speaker 1: the point that you can say, all right, so here's
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  Speaker 1: what you're saying. You're saying X, Y, and Z, and
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  Speaker 1: your child says, oh, that's exactly what I'm saying, and
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  Speaker 1: there's no disagreement, and you've said is there anything else
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  Speaker 1: and they've said no, that's every thing. Then you move
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  Speaker 1: to explain here's what I would say, based on a
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  Speaker 1: Doctor's Desk episode that we did just a couple of
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  Speaker 1: weeks ago on the pod. Let's go to some stats
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  Speaker 1: from a study that was published in the Pediatrics Journal
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  Speaker 1: a little while ago, and I talked about this at
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  Speaker 1: length on the pod. I'd say to my child, I
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  Speaker 1: get you on the smartphone, but I want to talk
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  Speaker 1: to you about what some researchers have discovered about kids
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  Speaker 1: being on smartphones at your age.
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  Speaker 2: The younger you are.
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  Speaker 1: The more likely it is that you'll have depression, the
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  Speaker 1: more likely it is that you struggle with sleep, and
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  Speaker 1: the greater the likely to believe it or not that
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  Speaker 1: you're ever going to struggle with weight issues. Twelve year
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  Speaker 1: olds with phones had a thirty one percent chance of
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  Speaker 1: high depression, a forty percent chance of obesity, and a
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  Speaker 1: sixty two percent likelihood of worse sleep compared to twelve
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  Speaker 1: year olds without phones. And that's when you use the
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  Speaker 1: following line or script. My job as your mum is
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  Speaker 1: to protect your developing brain, even when that feels unfair.
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  Speaker 1: It's not about not you, it's about what these devices
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  Speaker 1: have been designed to do.
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  Speaker 2: They're built to be addictive. And I don't want you
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  Speaker 2: to be depressed. I don't want you to have bad sleep.
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  Speaker 1: I don't want you to have any body image issues
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  Speaker 1: or be worried about your weight. So my job is
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  Speaker 1: to educate you on this and help you to be healthy.
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  Speaker 1: So let's explore and explain. Now we move to empower,
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  Speaker 1: So that's when you basically say something along the lines
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  Speaker 1: of it. And again here's a really gentle and easy script
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  Speaker 1: for you. Let's figure out together how we can help
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  Speaker 1: you stay connected to your friends in a way that
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  Speaker 1: doesn't require to be on a smartphone. And maybe you
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  Speaker 1: start coming up with ideas like setting up more hangouts
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  Speaker 1: or get togethers using the family phone so that you
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  Speaker 1: can text friends when you're at home, or using the
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  Speaker 1: landline so that you can have conversations and then you
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  Speaker 1: might say when you're I'm going to say sixteen, you
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  Speaker 1: might say Ford, I mean, every family's got to work
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  Speaker 1: this out for themselves.
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  Speaker 2: We'll talk about a smartphone.
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  Speaker 1: When you've got enough money to provide for your own phone,
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  Speaker 1: then we can talk about that. But for now, what
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  Speaker 1: would make this easier. The whole idea of empowerment is
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  Speaker 1: not to say to your child, you can do what
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  Speaker 1: if you want. I'm going to empower you a now
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  Speaker 1: to explain some stuff. It's about saying, let's collaborate on this,
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  Speaker 1: and it's obviously moving away from.
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  Speaker 2: Dictating to your child.
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  Speaker 1: The only other thing that I can really think of
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  Speaker 1: to share here, Carolyn, that I think is going to
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  Speaker 1: be useful is this. You asked if sticking to your
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  Speaker 1: boundaries is going to push her away. But boundaries don't
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  Speaker 1: push kids away when they feel heard and loved.
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  Speaker 2: The thing that.
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  Speaker 1: Damages relationships is when kids feel dismissed or when they
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  Speaker 1: feel controlled, especially when there's no explanations. So if we
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  Speaker 1: stay warm, and we stay connected, and if we hold
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  Speaker 1: these boundaries but with lots of empathy and lots of
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  Speaker 1: conversation and lots of exploration and explanation and empowerment. The
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  Speaker 1: data points to children doing better. It doesn't guarantee that
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  Speaker 1: there won't be any fights. It doesn't stop the pleading
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  Speaker 1: and that, but I can, I can, I, and I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to ask every second day until I.
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  Speaker 2: Get a yes.
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  Speaker 1: What it does do, though, is, as a general rule,
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  Speaker 1: it shows that children are going to respect you, They're
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  Speaker 1: going to respect.
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  Speaker 2: The rule, and they're much more likely to go along
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  Speaker 2: with it.
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  Speaker 1: There's no iron clad way, there's no one hundred percent guaranteed
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  Speaker 1: solution here, but this is, from my read of the research,
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  Speaker 1: one of the most proven and one of the most
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  Speaker 1: powerful ways that we can move the needle in a
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  Speaker 1: positive direction in these tricky conversations.
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  Speaker 2: So where do we land with this right now? The
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  Speaker 2: answer is no.
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  Speaker 1: But when you're old enough to buy your own phone,
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  Speaker 1: or when you're fourteen, or when you're able to demonstrate
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  Speaker 1: this level of responsibility, we're happy to revisit this with you,
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  Speaker 1: and that will give her something to work towards and
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  Speaker 1: show that you're not being unilaterally or arbitrarily rigid endlessly
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  Speaker 1: and forever. Our youngest really, really, really wants an iPad.
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  Speaker 1: She wants to be able to use the phone and
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  Speaker 1: the iPad all the time, and we keep on having
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  Speaker 1: this same conversation with her, and right now she understands
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  Speaker 1: that the answer is no, because she still hasn't been
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  Speaker 1: able to demonstrate a reasonable amount of responsibility in the
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  Speaker 1: way that she uses screens when she's given that privilege anyway,
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  Speaker 1: So for now she's too young, and as a parent,
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  Speaker 1: you're allowed to say no. How you say it matters, though,
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  Speaker 1: and hopefully this has helped you with the right way
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  Speaker 1: to say it. So let's wrap this up, Carolyn. The
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  Speaker 1: challenge that you're facing is definitely not about the phone.
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  Speaker 1: It's about a lot more than the phone. It's about
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  Speaker 1: teaching your daughter that you're going to hold boundaries because
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  Speaker 1: you love her. But it's also teaching her that you
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  Speaker 1: listen to her and work with her to meet needs
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  Speaker 1: that she presents you. And that's the foundation of relationships
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  Speaker 1: that last in positive ways throughout adolescence, which is so
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  Speaker 1: trying and obviously beyond that. Really hope that it's a
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  Speaker 1: healthful response. And thanks so much for the question. We
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  Speaker 1: love getting your questions. If you have a question for us,
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  Speaker 1: a tricky question, they're the best ones you can get
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  Speaker 1: in touch with us via a voice note podcasts at
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot A you or jump online
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: the Happy Families dot com dot A You scroll down
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  Speaker 1: to a bit where it says send us a voice
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: note and start talking. It's a super simple system and
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  Speaker 1: we love hearing it from you. The Happy Family's podcast
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  Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Roulon from Bridge Media. Mimhammond's provide
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  Speaker 1: additional support and for more and about making your family happier,
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