Latest / The Divorce Decision Podcast / Uncovering the Hidden Dangers of a Conflict-Free Relationship

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Uncovering the Hidden Dangers of a Conflict-Free Relationship · The Divorce Decision Podcast

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Lucky in Love, a podcast where we explore what really makes and breaks relationships.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're head over heels in love, caught up in the middle of some relationship drama, or just trying to figure it all out, you're in the right place.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready to be lucky in love?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Join me.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Carrie Hoskins.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's jump in.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hey there, friends.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: So today I wanted to talk to you about the hidden dangers of a conflict-free relationship.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you might be thinking, what the heck?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: What does that even mean?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't even make sense.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: We don't, I don't hear anybody talking about it.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you're right, you don't hear people talking about this, which is exactly why I wanted to talk about this.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: So a few years ago, I was hanging out with some friends and we were just all kind of chilling in the kitchen.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And one of them who had been in a relationship with her boyfriend for over a year and a half, they had just decided to move in together.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And she proudly announced to the group that she and boyfriend had never had a disagreement or an argument in the entire time that they've been together.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And the rest of us were kind of like looking around, like, what?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Making eye contact, like, you've got to be kidding me.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: How is that even possible?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: But she swore up and down, they had never been in a disagreement.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And in my head, I was thinking, oh no, this is not a good sign at all.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, she is not the only person that I've heard talk about this as if it was a good thing, which is why I want to talk to you guys about this.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: So never arguing or disagreeing is not healthy.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships need balance.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now, arguing all the time, that's not good either.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: That will certainly wreak havoc on your relationship in a very loud and chaotic kind of a way most of the time.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: But never arguing or disagreeing is just as detrimental.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it could be considered even more insidious because it's quiet.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I do believe that there is a misconception about interpersonal conflict in general, which is one of the reasons why I wanted to start talking about this.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: So before we get into the hidden dangers, I do want to define for you what I'm talking about so that we can just be on the same page.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict happens when you and another person disagree or clash about something.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: It usually happens when your perspectives, your needs, or your expectations just don't match up.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the catch.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: If you disagree with someone, but you don't tell them you disagree, like you're only disagreeing in your head and your mind, it's not a conflict.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: It is not considered a conflict until your disagreement has been explicitly shared with the other person.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And in romantic relationships, couples tend to fall into one of three categories.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And here they are: high conflict, healthy conflict, and conflict-avoidant relationships.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: So in high conflict relationships, the people in the relationship tend to argue, bigger, disagree a lot.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's not uncommon for these couples to literally argue every single day.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And regardless of what they're disagreeing about, if it's small or if it's big, the arguments tend to quickly escalate in intensity.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: And also in these relationships, the conflicts are very rarely resolved.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: These kind of relationships tend to be full of drama and emotional chaos.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really unhealthy for the people in the relationship, and it's also unhealthy for the kids if they have kids.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: This one makes me so sad.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy conflict couples, these are the ones who argue occasionally.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there really isn't an actual number.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's no data out there that says, you know, if you argue this percent, you're healthy.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if you argue this percent, you're unhealthy.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: There's really not anything like that yet.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: But occasionally, when they do clash, they're able to get to the crux of the issue and they're ultimately able to resolve their problem or they agree to disagree.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that definitely is like one of the biggest differences between high conflict and healthy conflict couples, is that healthy conflict couples are able to resolve their issues.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why we say that they disagree or argue occasionally, because when they do argue, they're able to resolve it.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: So it doesn't come back up again.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And these couples usually argue or discuss their differences without calling each other names, without bashing each other, without destroying the relationship.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And this obviously is the goal or should be the goal for all of us.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, conflict-avoidant relationships.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: This happens when one or both of you actively sidestep or avoid the conflict, right?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: So there's very rarely arguing or disagreeing.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: In these relationships, it's very common to see a lot of passive aggressive behaviors because they're not dealing with their conflict.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: So it has to come out in another way, and it's usually in a passive aggressive way.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes what will happen is one partner will try to engage the other one, but that other one either withdraws or completely shuts down.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: So they never actually engage in the disagreement or the argument.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm talking about this, like I said before, because we don't hear about this very often.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And we don't hear about the impact that conflict avoidance has on relationships.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want a healthy relationship, you need constructive conflict.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by constructive conflict is you need to be able to talk about your differences in a way that you're able to resolve them and not destroy your relationship.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: But here's why we need this.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: We need this because during an argument, uh you and your partner, what you're ultimately doing is you are talking to each other about your needs, your desires, your expectations, and maybe even your worries that clash, that don't necessarily match up.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: But what this means is you're communicating, and communication is good and needed in a relationship.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Dealing with your differences also means that you're learning more about each other, which leads to more trust and more intimacy.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're able to work through these, it reinforces that you can overcome challenges together and that there's a willingness for both of you to invest emotionally in your relationship.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, there's makeup sex.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Hello.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, not only is it fun, but it's a really powerful way to reconnect and help you feel closer to each other, closer to your partner.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: But if there's no conflict, it usually means that there are larger underlying issues going on that are not being addressed in the relationship.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And this, of all of those other reasons, to me is one of the most important.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: So here are some of the hidden dangers of never engaging in conflict.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I encourage you to listen to these with an open mind and see if maybe you see some of this in your own relationship.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you're not in a relationship, if you recognize this from past relationships.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: So hidden danger number one is mistaking conflict-free relationship with a peaceful relationship.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Those are two different things.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you're never arguing, chances are one of you is walking on eggshells, like pretending that everything is fine in order to avoid arguing.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: But if you have ever pushed down or swallowed your feelings or emotions, um, it is not a peaceful feeling.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually the exact opposite of a peaceful feeling.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: And sure, like the house might feel calm and might look calm on the surface, but underneath it, there's all of these emotions and all of this turmoil that's just kind of simmering under there.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And avoiding conflict does not eliminate the tension.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: What it does is it actually magnifies it in ways that are harder to fix down the road.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the catch there's only so much of that a person can take.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And at some point, it's going to come to the surface.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: And when that happens, it usually happens in a very dramatic way.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it might take 10, 15, 30 years, but trust me, y'all, it's going to happen at some point.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I say this with 100% certainty because I help people with this stuff all day long.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Danger number two is a lack of disagreement about real issues blocks communication and blocks connection.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: So the absence of disagreeing about real stuff often means that there's a lack of open and vulnerable communication in your relationship.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Only talking about the safe, like surfacey stuff creates a relationship that is void of intimacy and emotional depth.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, something that I see happening regularly is where one partner wants to engage, they want to disagree, they want to have the hard conversations.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: And the other person, frankly, no longer wants to connect.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: They no longer want the vulnerability.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: And when their partner tries to talk about, you know, talk about this stuff with them, they refuse to engage in the conversation because it does feel too vulnerable.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: And no talking and no arguing and no conflict equals no connection.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: So hidden danger number three is that resentment is probably brewing beneath the surface.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: When one of you is avoiding conflict at all costs, it leaves important issues unaddressed.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, this can certainly evolve into more intense, harmful feelings.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: And we oftentimes will go from kind of run-of-the-mill standard resentment to built-up resentment to contempt.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And contempt is a hard emotion to overcome.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are avoiding conflict, I would really like you to do some soul searching here because there is likely some serious resentment buildup.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And passive aggressiveness at this point usually replaces healthy ways of dealing with differences.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And this, of course, wears on everyone.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: It wears on the person who is acting in a passive-aggressive way, and it wears on the person on the receiving end.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: And what happens is this slowly just starts to erode and tear down the relationship from the inside out.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hidden danger number four is that there could be a silent power imbalance.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: A conflict-free relationship can sometimes signal an unhealthy power dynamic between the two people.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: So when one partner is more dominant, maybe they make all the decisions and they shut down the other partner if there is even a hint of disagreeing.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: The other partner may actively avoid ruffling feathers just to keep the peace.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And this dynamic does not just stifle open communication, but it creates a subtle or not so subtle harmful imbalance where one partner feels unheard and powerless in the relationship.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And this, of course, erodes trust and equality in the relationship.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And danger number five is eroding of trust.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: A lack of disagreements can be a red flag that one of you is afraid to be emotionally vulnerable.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing, and I've said it before, and I'm going to continue to say it: trust and vulnerability are deeply intertwined and connected.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot have genuine trust or build genuine trust without being open and honest, even when it's uncomfortable.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where the vulnerability comes in, you guys.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's when it feels uncomfortable.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're avoiding conflict, what you're doing is you are risking creating a relationship where true emotional intimacy never fully develops.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: And this doesn't usually end well.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: And the last one, danger number six, is you might be allowing past relationships to hurt your present relationship.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: It is very, very common for people who are raised in a high conflict home or who were involved in the past in high conflict romantic relationships to want peace at all costs.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: But that cost is the relationship.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: By trying to avoid arguing altogether, you're actually allowing all those past experiences and the past relationship to negatively impact and affect and interfere with the health of your current relationship.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, just review all the stuff I just talked about, right?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: So listen, if this resonates with you, I am not advocating that you go home and start a fight today with your partner.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: That is not what I want you to do.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: But I do encourage you to ask yourself why one or both of you are avoiding conflict, or at least avoiding disagreeing and arguing about things of real substance.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: So acknowledging that there is a problem is literally the first step to fixing it if that is something that you're interested in doing.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I also suggest learning how to engage in healthy disagreements.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I will be talking about this in the future because there is so much to talk about and so much to learn here.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, I think it's really, really important.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: But in the meantime, there are a lot of excellent resources to help you.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: There are books out there, there's like a million books out there.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm going to give you three recommendations.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: There's Fight Right by Julie and John Gottman.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's a great one.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, A Deeper Connection, How to Navigate Conflict and Grow Relationships by John Sherid, and Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life by Jonna Jones.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: I would also highly recommend that you listen to Esther Perell's podcast, Where Should We Begin.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's pretty fascinating because you get to listen in on real couples who are trying to navigate conflict.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: And you not only get to hear this from the people's perspective, but you get to hear what this amazing um uh therapist says about it.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I just love that podcast.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's it's so helpful.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, if you would like personalized help, I do offer private coaching for individuals and for couples.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're interested in that, you can reach out to me by visiting my website at kahoskins.com and I'd be more than happy to chat with you to see how I can help you.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: All right, my friends, well, that is what I have for you today.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this episode to be helpful, would you please subscribe, tell your friends and family, and of course give me a five-star rating.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'll talk to you next week.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, if you're at a crossroads in your relationship and you do not know what to do, maybe you're wondering if it can work, maybe you're not even sure if that's what you want.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: I have some good news for you.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to figure this out alone.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to go check out my 12-week coaching program called Before You Break Up.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of our time together, you are either going to feel more connected to your partner or spouse, or you're going to have the clarity and the confidence to know that parting ways is the best choice.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: So stop what you're doing and go visit kahoskins.com to learn more.