Latest / Very Fine Friends / Binomial Man

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Binomial Man · Very Fine Friends

0:00
you know what i was just thinking about the other day unless you have something you want to talk
0:17
about oh no please i was remembering when i was a kid and um my my daddy used to want me to like
0:26
he would take me with him to like run errands and i was like bored as could be yeah and i was like
0:31
begging him please don't make me do this and i would beg him to stay in the car and so he would
0:36
leave me in the car like but he would turn it off and go into like the bank or wherever he was going
0:42
and i remember one time when he came back out to the car it and he opened the door i was like
0:48
like and sweating like profusely and like but it wasn't an issue and then i remember um
0:56
like for him it wasn't
0:57
oh I was gonna say
0:59
um and we went to his friend's house
1:02
and he's like oh um
1:04
you're gonna hang out with
1:06
someone I'm like
1:09
what do you mean and apparently
1:11
his friend had a daughter
1:12
who just had
1:14
um like liposuction
1:17
and
1:19
wait how old like liposuction
1:21
age I don't know what age that is
1:23
over 18 okay yeah
1:25
I think
1:26
I don't know
1:27
well because you were
1:28
presenting this as if
1:29
like you're a child
1:30
so like
1:31
I was a preteen
1:32
okay
1:32
I was thinking it was like
1:34
someone your age
1:35
no
1:35
okay
1:36
so we hung out
1:36
and remember that
1:37
like
1:38
it was a really nice house
1:40
and she needed someone
1:41
to like
1:42
keep her company
1:43
so my dad like
1:43
dumped me there
1:44
and we watched
1:45
the movie Life
1:47
with Eddie Murphy
1:48
while she recovered
1:54
so you just hung out with a liposuction lady yeah just because she had liposuction she needed
2:02
someone to be around yeah and my dad like left and the guy left and you were like 12 yeah and
2:06
i didn't know her you just like a 12 year old and a grown woman
2:10
so grown in fact that they had to remove part of her yeah too grown yeah
2:16
yeah and then i watched that so every time it comes on it brings me back to that moment when
2:23
I first saw it. How often is it on? I just saw it the other day. It was on TV. Really? Yeah.
2:31
I don't even know if I've seen that movie or what it's about. I would have forgotten all about it.
2:36
I never would have remembered it for the rest of my life. Well, you probably never didn't know
2:43
someone who had liposuction. That's true. I never didn't know somebody had liposuction. Good point.
2:49
Does that mean she did know someone who had light post-section?
2:52
No, because if she did, she would have seen life.
2:56
I never didn't know.
2:57
No, that means I would have.
2:59
Yeah.
3:00
Gotta keep you honest.
3:02
I think...
3:03
Maybe my point was just misunderstood.
3:06
Moving on.
3:09
Welcome to Very Fine Friends,
3:12
where friends are nursemaids as 12-year-olds.
3:16
uh were you are you were you annoyed by that as as is so true with many wrongs in my life
3:26
i didn't realize it was messed up until looking back later like i was just like
3:35
accept the situation i'm in and then remembering i'm like wait a minute
3:37
why did i do that yeah why did you make me do that did the daughter the
3:45
liposuctione did she think it was weird that you were there no she was like talking to me making
3:54
conversation i wonder if they told her like hey you need to babysit this kid that doesn't drive
4:01
because my dad used to leave me in at home when i was in middle school is that the same age
4:05
seventh grade yeah seventh grade would be like 13 he would he would go to mexico and leave me alone
4:10
oh yeah that's he would like leave the country yeah i remember our neighbors was like if you
4:15
do it again i'm calling the cops and then he like found someone to watch me
4:18
that's crazy what did you do as like a 12 year old by yourself i watched a lot of movies like
4:24
movies horror movies yeah and do you ever get scared at night uh yes because he had
4:34
yes because i was watching a lot of scary movies i always get scared but i think i mentioned one
4:39
time he put a he installed a bidet in my bathroom and then didn't tell me that it was an auto flush
4:46
like a auto flush and at one random point in the night the toilet flushed and i had no idea
4:51
so i was like i'm dead oh man so i like started to panic and then nothing happened but then the
4:56
next day he sent someone to send someone to check on me on like day three of his absence
5:01
and we had one of those fireplaces that you could see through the other room oh yeah and i was
5:05
watching a horror movie and all of a sudden the door
5:07
opens from the garage and I just see
5:09
like a figure.
5:11
And yeah, I thought I was toast.
5:13
Man. Yeah. Do you scream?
5:15
Yeah. And then he came in and he's like, it's me, it's Mark.
5:18
He's like, I thought I could come get you
5:19
and we can make a run for the border.
5:21
So we call going Taco Bell.
5:24
Did he leave you with enough food and everything?
5:27
Always food. Yeah.
5:28
That was never a problem.
5:31
Wow. Yeah.
5:33
Look at me thriving.
5:35
Oh, good for you.
5:38
Bad for him.
5:39
Yeah.
5:40
Quick interruption.
5:42
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
5:51
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
6:00
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
6:03
and right before we die we add up all the points and then we get a prize whoever has the most points
6:12
for guessing the most secret words here's joe with today's secret words jenna's secret word is
6:20
quota jenna's decoy word is griffins francis's secret word is forsaken francis's decoy word is
6:29
musket back to the pod i think i mean because it's just scary to be like home alone sometimes
6:37
like if you're not used to it especially as a kid yeah yeah absolutely i mean at night everything
6:43
just does seem a little like creakier and yeah well i used to if i got really scared i would
6:49
just go to the neighbors and be like can i hang out during the day i'm sure they looking back now
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I'm like, all these people must have hated me.
6:59
Because I was over there all the time.
7:01
Well, they couldn't have hated you that much.
7:02
They probably would have eventually said no.
7:06
Maybe they looked at my life and they were like...
7:08
We can't hate him.
7:09
He needs this.
7:10
Yeah.
7:10
Let him hang out.
7:11
I used to call every day and be like,
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Hey, it's Frances.
7:17
Just wonder if I can come hang out.
7:19
And she'd be like, stop calling.
7:20
Just come over.
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But every day I would call again.
7:25
I'm like, she might be sure it's okay.
7:27
I'm like, you live next door.
7:28
If it's not okay, you just go back home.
7:33
Good point.
7:35
This happened in high school, too, because my best friend in high school lived in Anthem.
7:39
Well, we both lived in Anthem.
7:40
She lived in the country club.
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And I would call and be like, or no, I would show up.
7:46
So see, I changed.
7:48
Yeah.
7:48
And she'd be like, why don't you call?
7:50
No, I would knock.
7:51
I would knock.
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She would open the door like a shy person who wasn't allowed to have friends.
7:57
and I was like hey she's like what are you doing here like I don't know that we can hang out
8:02
she's like why didn't you call I don't know is it a bad time she's like no we can hang out and
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this happened like every day and I would just show up why didn't you call so maybe there's a
8:14
good middle ground there or maybe just know your audience I never did uh well yeah good for you
8:21
Good for you learning the right lessons at the wrong time.
8:25
Yeah.
8:26
Yeah.
8:28
You know what lesson I'd like to learn?
8:29
Hmm.
8:30
The invention of the week.
8:34
Inventions.
8:37
School me School me on this invention I can teach you that okay um today i today invention is a business great you have great success with those oh it a brick and it brick and mortar oh okay
8:49
not an online thing no but i'm sure we'll have an accompanying app yeah so let's really do this
8:53
let's get into this let's go lock and load lock and load oh shoot what lock and load i just
9:05
learned about this from Webster's Dictionary really quick. Yeah. Lock and load is a part of
9:10
a phrase that's called, oh, it's going to kill me. It's where there's, where you always say it in
9:17
the same order. Like you wouldn't say load and lock. It's like, there's a name for this. Oh,
9:23
you know, like spick and span. Lock and load. Eminem.
9:31
Yes. Yes. Kramer versus Kramer. I thought you were looking it up.
9:35
I am.
9:37
I'm like, that's not what it's called.
9:38
Irreversible binomial.
9:40
That's it.
9:41
Ooh, yeah.
9:43
Nice, right?
9:43
Yeah.
9:43
Sounds like a condition I had in high school.
9:47
Well, I'm sorry that it didn't work out.
9:50
Who says it didn't?
9:52
Irreversible.
9:53
Oh.
9:54
But I mean, maybe it's good.
9:55
I said it sounds like it.
9:56
What I had was called reversible binomial.
9:59
Oh, okay, good, good.
10:01
Our plans are still on later.
10:05
So back to my thing.
10:09
You know how sometimes you're on the go and you need to eat.
10:13
I do know that.
10:15
Do you know how fast food in America is.
10:20
Gross.
10:20
It's, I mean, it's either that or it's just not good for you or whatever.
10:25
I do know that.
10:25
I told you I have a solution that completely changed the game.
10:30
I would love that.
10:31
What if I told you that it wasn't a salad based business?
10:34
I would love that too.
10:35
but that we did also have salads.
10:37
That's fine.
10:38
Here we,
10:39
here we have to go.
10:41
Yeah.
10:44
My invention is a business where instead of saying,
10:49
Oh,
10:49
I want this number,
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this or whatever.
10:50
It is a macro based business where it's like,
10:54
Oh,
10:54
I need X amount of protein.
10:57
I want to keep it to this amount of like fat or this amount of carbs or
10:59
whatever.
11:01
And it's like a,
11:03
we based on that.
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and you could like pick what kind of protein you wanted.
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We give you a custom serving that like goes with your macro needs.
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So it's like you need 60 grams of protein and I want chicken
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and I can have up to like whatever.
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We'll build it for you to make sure like it fits exactly what you want.
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So you know what you're getting and it's tasty
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and it's not just like carb laden trash.
11:27
It's not what trash?
11:29
Like carb laden.
11:30
Oh, carb laden.
11:31
I thought you said corrugated trash.
11:33
have you been eating cork in a track
11:35
Francis we talked about this
11:37
it's so good
11:38
I
11:41
love it
11:43
you do? I do
11:45
and you can order on your app ahead of time
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if you want
11:49
so it's nice and ready
11:50
and yeah I just love the idea of like
11:53
you know getting exactly what you need
11:56
not having to worry about all the filler
11:57
yeah I mean that's
11:59
it
12:02
i mean you know me i try to not eat crap fast food is all crap um and also like it is really
12:13
important like for me it's like no i need a like i need to make sure i get protein i don't want to
12:18
have a lot of carbs um yeah i yeah do want a certain number of vegetables or whatever yeah so
12:26
So it would be, because you still want it to be fast.
12:29
So this is like fast still.
12:31
Okay.
12:31
Yeah.
12:32
So it would have to be just kind of certain plug and play options.
12:39
So not a ton of options because you can't go crazy with it.
12:42
It's like a Chipotle when they have like the, they've got steak, they've got chicken,
12:47
like maybe a couple different kinds of chicken, a couple different kinds of steak, you know,
12:52
that sort of thing.
12:53
and then I was picturing serving it
12:55
in those Wendy's chili cups.
12:58
So that's my problem
12:59
is salad and go, rest in peace.
13:01
I did like getting a salad
13:03
but sometimes I don't, I want to eat right now
13:05
when I'm on my way to my thing.
13:07
I can't shake a salad in my car
13:09
but now I don't have to.
13:12
I guess I could.
13:15
It's inconvenient.
13:17
Yes.
13:18
And it can get messy if you're in a hurry.
13:20
Could, would.
13:21
should
13:23
yeah
13:26
and also salads
13:27
like
13:27
those can be
13:29
misleading
13:29
salads can have
13:31
a lot of calories
13:31
that's true
13:32
that's true
13:32
it's all the dressing
13:34
the dressing
13:35
yeah
13:35
so if you just had
13:37
like no
13:38
just give me some nice
13:39
grilled meat
13:43
yeah
13:43
and a side of
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you don't have to wait long
13:47
cucumbers
13:48
since it's already
13:49
like ready to go
13:50
we're just like
13:50
Serving it out.
13:51
And maybe like a high protein tortilla or something.
13:56
Yeah.
13:58
That would be great.
14:01
See?
14:04
I.
14:05
Yeah.
14:06
How?
14:07
Yeah, I don't.
14:07
No holes?
14:09
The only hole I would think could be mass producing things.
14:14
Because I would want to avoid seed oils, personally.
14:19
They're not good for you.
14:20
they're bad for your joints.
14:24
Seed oils go in cars, not people.
14:26
Yep, that is correct.
14:29
Thank you, Joe.
14:31
And so that's harder to do with a big scale,
14:36
you know, not using like vegetable oil or something to cook,
14:38
but we can do it.
14:39
Yeah.
14:41
Is it Steak and Shake is now doing beef tallow for all their fries?
14:47
Oh, really?
14:48
I think it's Steak and Shake.
14:49
Yeah.
14:50
anyway i commend that yeah we can make we can we can do whatever we want cool cool what kind of
14:57
options are you thinking because i mean well also what kind of macros are we thinking we need to hit
15:03
like what what are some joe you're this is more your world what are some of like the different
15:08
food types that people need i mean obviously protein's a big one and then obviously low carb
15:14
is a big one low carb is a big one you want to make sure you have good fats too like if we could
15:19
maybe incorporate some fish oil somehow,
15:21
get some omega fatty acids.
15:24
Yes.
15:26
Avocado.
15:27
Avocado oil is also really good for good fat.
15:30
Yeah.
15:31
And then good sugars too.
15:32
Yeah.
15:32
If there was a place on the go,
15:34
like sometimes I have gotten Chick-fil-A,
15:36
even though I'm sure they cook with seed oils,
15:39
but you can get their grilled chicken.
15:41
You can just get all like the grilled chicken nuggets.
15:43
It's just grilled chicken.
15:44
And it comes in one of those little bowls.
15:47
Yeah.
15:47
And it's just like a pile of chicken.
15:48
I don't know what I'm talking about.
15:49
Yeah.
15:50
But if I could do that and some avocado and.
15:54
Yeah, we could also have, if we have sweet products, we could use real sugar.
15:59
That would be another thing that sets it apart.
16:01
So everyone uses high fructose corn sugar and like syrup.
16:05
High fructose corn syrup.
16:06
Corn syrup.
16:07
Now, Francis, how would you feel about this?
16:09
I know you like Diet Coke.
16:11
What about not having soda?
16:14
Or having like an Olipop soda, like a soda that's.
16:18
Made with good ingredients.
16:20
Yes, and then also one stream of diacombs.
16:25
A loose tube, if you will, in the manager's office.
16:28
For your boy.
16:31
Okay.
16:33
So we're just basically doing healthy fast food.
16:35
That's what this invention is.
16:37
Like legitimately fast, you know?
16:40
Yeah.
16:42
Slim fast.
16:44
Let's get you back in the game.
16:48
Wow. Well, this is a good idea. Are there places that claim to try to do something like this?
16:59
I don't. I think for me, so there's a place called Angie's Prime Steak.
17:04
Angie's is good.
17:05
Yeah. And like, so they also, they're a good deal, I think.
17:09
I've never heard of that.
17:10
They have a couple locations.
17:12
Yeah And you can get like a lot of nice proteins but it not this to me is like I trying to hit a certain amount and I wanna make sure that what I getting Angie is a very popular destination for like after the gym It like it good Chipotle basically is how I would describe it
17:28
Not ever heard.
17:31
Okay.
17:32
I know a lot of EOS guys who it's like, as soon as they're done with the gym,
17:35
they go right to Angie's for like lunch or dinner or whatever.
17:41
It's good.
17:42
I am protein.
17:43
And yeah, like Francis said,
17:45
Angie's sponsor us.
17:46
Sorry, I've never heard of you. Not my fault.
17:49
It's your fault because you didn't get your word out with enough sponsorship.
17:52
And your welks for the free publicity.
17:54
Yeah, your welks for the forpeeb.
17:57
For pube.
18:00
Your welks for pube.
18:02
Yeah.
18:05
Cool.
18:06
Thank you.
18:07
Well, I want to be able to poke holes in it.
18:08
I do worry about, like, mass producing.
18:11
How will perverts?
18:12
How do we...
18:13
Use it.
18:14
Oh, yeah. How will per...
18:16
I'm going to fuck the meat.
18:19
Someone,
18:19
someone,
18:20
some pervert who was previously really into mukbang videos is now like,
18:25
they just come in there and watch.
18:27
Okay.
18:27
Or no,
18:28
now they're like,
18:29
all right,
18:29
this girl that I've been loading up with fast food for three years is no
18:33
longer attractive to me.
18:34
Time to slimmer down.
18:36
Or they could go up to the window and act stupid and just be like,
18:38
Oh,
18:39
can I get that stuff?
18:40
What do you call it?
18:40
Um,
18:41
sounds like this.
18:44
I can't remember what it's called.
18:46
It sounds like this.
18:50
Oh, it's mac and cheese.
18:51
That's right.
18:52
Healthy mac and cheese.
18:56
Let me peel away.
18:57
Do the pervert peel.
19:00
Do the pervert peel.
19:04
Everybody now.
19:06
I'm going to write down the word pervert just in case today you got it.
19:10
That would be diabolical.
19:11
I would never let that happen.
19:12
And Joe said pervert first.
19:14
yeah I also would never say you let improv happen his word was improv that was for fun
19:20
I see we haven't let it go the problem is I feel like we say I feel like if you did a word cloud
19:25
of this pod I feel like pervert is said more than improv 100% but yes we talk a lot of pervert
19:34
well I have a soft spot in my heart for pervs I just do they have a hard spot in theirs for you
19:42
Yeah.
19:43
Good one.
19:47
Okay.
19:47
What do we want to name this place?
19:49
Well,
19:49
we already have a name picked out and I sent a picture to the group chat.
19:52
Oh,
19:52
you did?
19:53
Yeah.
19:53
I thought you could take a look and see it in real time and then say it for
19:56
the audience.
20:01
Okay.
20:01
Well,
20:02
you'll go to very fine friends.com to see this picture or tag us on social
20:07
media.
20:07
If you want us to send it to you,
20:09
uh,
20:10
it's called
20:12
McDaddy's
20:14
McDaddy's
20:15
yeah
20:15
yeah
20:15
home of the shredded lettuce bowl
20:18
and then there's a
20:21
someone at the
20:21
window holding food
20:23
the tagline
20:25
under them
20:26
yeah
20:26
get hot
20:27
stay hot
20:28
eat at McDaddy's
20:30
yeah
20:31
god I hope
20:33
McDaddy's isn't your secret word
20:35
and you've just
20:35
and I somehow
20:37
got the picture
20:38
into my phone
20:39
I would let that happen, actually.
20:41
I like, so I was going to call it Macro Daddy's.
20:45
I'm just like a Mac.
20:45
I thought Mac Daddy's was probably a thing somewhere.
20:48
So I thought if we use Mick, we're getting the.
20:53
You don't think McDonald's is going to be a little litigious?
20:57
McDaddy's?
20:58
Well, just anything Mick and it's a fast food place.
21:01
You can't have everything.
21:04
Sirs.
21:05
I know, but they could lawyer up.
21:07
Alphaville
21:09
Gaintrain
21:11
What if we
21:14
call it
21:15
MAC
21:16
Mac Daddies
21:18
See that's what I'm saying, it sounds familiar, right?
21:22
Yeah, that sounds like a thing
21:23
Yeah
21:23
I like macro
21:29
when we use macro
21:30
in some form
21:32
Well yeah, I was inspired by macro
21:35
I mean like more directly
21:39
like
21:39
hackro
21:41
macrobatic
21:43
macro
21:48
hack your macros
21:52
mac hack
21:55
mac hack
21:57
I like that mac hack
21:58
oh it sounds like my cock
22:00
mac hack
22:02
hey there little girl
22:06
right out of town
22:07
I like it more now
22:10
what about gram grams
22:15
because you get your grams of protein and stuff
22:19
and then it like feels warm like you're at grandma's house
22:22
I don't want to feel like I'm at grandma's house
22:25
fair
22:26
yeah
22:27
although I like the play on words but
22:31
I don't want to, I don't think we want people to feel like they're their grandmothers.
22:38
Huh?
22:39
Uh, all right.
22:42
So let's, um, let me, let me come in and order something.
22:49
Okay.
22:51
All right.
22:51
Let's, let's play this out.
22:53
Okay.
22:55
Welcome to McDaddy's.
22:56
How can I help you?
22:57
Oh God.
22:58
Uh, I'm on the go.
23:01
I'm just so busy
23:03
Don't worry
23:05
We got a menu
23:06
You don't even have to look at the menu
23:07
What are your nutritional goals and needs?
23:11
I want to have
23:13
High protein
23:16
How much?
23:20
150 grams of protein
23:22
Oh yeah?
23:23
Chicken?
23:23
You like chicken?
23:24
You like beef?
23:24
What do you like?
23:26
Oh this is being thrown at me so fast
23:28
Okay okay
23:28
Take it easy
23:29
Chicken?
23:30
Oh, that's a calming soothing
23:32
Chicken
23:33
Oh, you moved a little when I said beef
23:37
Oh, you moved a little
23:38
Alright, we'll do 150 grams of steak
23:40
Oh, okay
23:41
I also need an equal amount of fiber
23:45
150 grams of fiber?
23:47
Yeah
23:47
How do you accommodate that?
23:51
Oh, my diet's so weird
23:54
No problem
23:54
We'll just fill this cup up with chia seeds
23:57
But you can't use the bathroom
23:59
but but what if i have to go oh you will that's the most protein anyone's ever had
24:12
oh miss don't worry i'm a manager here we'll give you chia seeds that have
24:17
water soluble fiber so that way you'll just be constipated for the rest of the day
24:22
oh good because i don't have time to go to the bathroom i am so busy don't worry by the time
24:28
you really have to go, you won't make it.
24:31
You mean it'll be an emergency
24:32
situation? Oh, yeah. See, what happens is
24:34
first you can't go at all. Then you
24:36
really have to go, and then it's too late.
24:38
It's a little bit, and then all at once.
24:40
Like the decline of an empire.
24:43
Oh, good.
24:44
I just was saying to my therapist,
24:47
I don't have enough surprise in my life.
24:49
I want to be surprised
24:51
by shitting my pants.
24:53
This is a perfect place.
24:55
Should we also limit your carbs?
24:57
Sure.
24:58
No more than
25:01
7.5 carbs
25:05
In fact it needs to exactly be 7.5 carbs
25:08
We can measure to the half gram
25:10
That works
25:11
Great, what are you going to give me for that?
25:13
I got my steak and my giant thing of chia seeds
25:16
What else?
25:18
There's some carbs in chia seeds
25:19
Oh
25:19
Well then I don't want them
25:21
We also have the bacon grease
25:24
From the bacon we cooked this morning
25:26
You like fat?
25:27
I love fat
25:29
It's got lots of fat too
25:30
No carbs though right?
25:31
Oh no
25:31
So we're just gonna mix the chia seeds
25:35
With some bacon grease
25:37
And a side of steak
25:39
150 grams of protein of steak
25:41
Uh huh
25:42
Wow
25:43
I also have this really weird specific need
25:46
My doctor told me
25:48
I have to do it
25:50
I need
25:52
Lots of
25:54
Liocine
25:56
Is that a thing That a thing I need lots of it What do you have that has that Do you need a supplement No I need it to be food based And I need my quota of liacine for the day
26:12
We have a shot of liacine that we can put brown food coloring in so that it looks like it's a stew.
26:19
These cows came from a farm where they were force fed that.
26:24
It's in the food.
26:26
Really?
26:27
Yeah.
26:27
You guys thought of everything.
26:28
Yeah.
26:29
That'll be an appropriate and affordable price.
26:33
For this much steak?
26:35
Oh, yeah.
26:36
Wow.
26:37
And this much chia seeds?
26:39
I feel like, oh, you're putting it on me like a feed bag.
26:42
Would you like to join our rewards program?
26:44
Yes, please.
26:45
I'll be back all the time.
26:46
Let us know when you shit.
26:49
Let us know.
26:51
Oh.
26:54
Great.
26:56
Wow, well that sounds like a happy customer.
26:58
Yeah, you gave me a lot to think about.
27:01
What is the shredded lettuce bowl?
27:05
The audience really, maybe they couldn't hear the way it looked.
27:08
Shred it means you're getting shredded.
27:12
So we can make you a lettuce bowl to help you get shredded.
27:16
You know, that's all.
27:17
Just a funny little stupid thing to put on the wall.
27:22
Got it.
27:23
Are you going to have like before and after pictures of people?
27:25
or just after pictures?
27:28
Just after.
27:28
Yeah, we don't need...
27:30
We don't need...
27:30
Just try to drive people to the business,
27:32
not scare them away.
27:35
And it'll help keep the perverts out,
27:37
the mukbang perverts.
27:39
There's no before pictures.
27:40
Yeah.
27:41
The regular perverts, not so much.
27:42
The regular perverts, sure.
27:45
We're done trying to work around them.
27:47
The other 98% of people
27:49
who are turned on by an attractive body,
27:51
we haven't really accounted for them.
27:53
They're going to be around.
27:54
They're going to be there.
27:55
so if we ever see a guy that's just staring at our walls,
27:59
then we'll know.
28:00
We know we got one.
28:02
Gotcha.
28:02
Pervert.
28:03
We got to invent,
28:03
we got to invent one of those bug lights,
28:06
but a pervs,
28:07
a perv zapper.
28:09
Yeah.
28:09
Yeah.
28:10
That's a good idea.
28:12
Tune in next week.
28:13
And maybe some perv spray from when we're,
28:15
they already have that hiking.
28:17
They do.
28:18
It's called pepper spray.
28:20
Oh yeah.
28:22
But I want one.
28:22
That's just like a repellent where they start to come up to me.
28:24
and then I don't know, and then they get, like a mosquito.
28:27
Oh, okay. That makes sense.
28:30
We'll just have to get your date of birth tattooed on every angle of you,
28:33
so when they get close enough to read it, they're like, ah, never mind.
28:36
Oh, so we're thinking specifically pedophilic pervs.
28:40
I always forget there's more.
28:42
Oh, yeah. There's adult pervs, the pervs who are into adults.
28:46
Pedophilic pervs who can't tell ostensibly that Jenna is a grown woman.
28:50
They're just hopeful.
28:52
Yeah.
28:52
A girl can dream.
28:55
Maybe this is the most developed 12-year-old ever.
28:59
Maybe we'll be okay in public.
29:01
She said she was 40, but I could swear she was 17.
29:03
Yeah.
29:06
Well, I think, yeah, this is going to be a huge hit.
29:09
People need fast food options that are healthy.
29:12
Yeah, huge opening in the market.
29:15
Well, and health is coming back.
29:17
Like if you see like Chipotle and stuff, they're advertising how much protein you can get.
29:23
Like these fast places are trying to push that market.
29:28
They just don't really have what it takes.
29:30
But I like the idea of just going in, putting in what you want to get out as opposed to like picking the food necessarily.
29:39
Because we're weighing it.
29:41
You know what I mean?
29:41
Like you're getting like very close to what you need.
29:45
Yeah.
29:46
That's great.
29:47
Well, huge, huge success.
29:49
Thank you.
29:51
McDaddy's, well, it's probably already on every corner.
29:55
We're actually moving into old abandoned.
29:58
McDonald's.
29:59
Yeah.
29:59
Because they're gone now.
30:00
They couldn't hack it.
30:01
I know.
30:02
Sorry.
30:03
McDonald's, you had a good run.
30:04
Couldn't hack the Mac.
30:06
You had a good run.
30:08
Did we write down Mac hack?
30:10
Yes.
30:11
Yeah.
30:11
Although I wrote it with just C's, no K's.
30:14
Perfect.
30:15
Okay.
30:16
Cool.
30:17
Good. I'm glad that's very cool. Yeah. Thanks. Okay. Well, good job, Francis. And you're welcome world. Yep. You're healthier now. That wraps up the invention of the week. It's time now for our next segment.
30:38
loose five
30:40
all righty everyone i'd like five minutes of your time and i promise it'll be loose
30:47
heyo hey is this the one where we get prompted by joe to and we do stand-up comedy for each
31:00
other and it's really bad uh you know i think it might just be oh good that's what i was prepared
31:05
to do. Oh, good. That's lucky.
31:08
So Francis
31:09
and I are going to be bad stand-up comedians.
31:11
Let's see if Joe's here.
31:16
Talk about your
31:17
childhood.
31:22
Oh,
31:23
childhood, huh? You want to hear about childhood?
31:27
More like child
31:29
in a hood.
31:32
I used
31:33
to dress up like a ghost all the time.
31:35
try and scare my neighbors.
31:40
And you know what?
31:40
It worked.
31:41
They thought I was in the clan.
31:44
Childhood.
31:49
You know that thing when you're a kid
31:53
and they think you're a grand wizard?
32:00
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
32:02
Hey, yeah, you, yeah, you too?
32:04
You too?
32:06
Yeah.
32:06
My nickname around the neighborhood was David Duke.
32:19
Top that, Francis.
32:25
Childhood.
32:29
I didn't have one.
32:34
You know how when you're born with drugs in your system and it's your mom's fault and they take you away and you remember?
32:50
They think you won't, but you remember.
32:54
But that's okay because in high school, you don't have to write an essay and you already got your topic.
33:00
You know?
33:01
And
33:03
I was
33:07
Thinking the other day how
33:09
When you're a kid and you can't see over the steering wheel
33:13
Because
33:15
Your dad's passed out
33:18
And you gotta drive the car
33:19
But that's life
33:22
And you're a grand wizard
33:27
Free associate about the economy
33:38
The economy
33:43
Oh man
33:44
I hear economy and I think
33:46
I'm gonna be sitting next to
33:49
Some guy on a plane
33:52
Who won't stop farting
33:53
Am I right?
33:54
Yeah
33:55
Yeah, yeah, you know.
33:58
You're that guy.
33:59
I bet you're that guy.
34:00
Oh, man.
34:02
Speaking of planes,
34:04
what's with the aisles being so short?
34:08
And it's like,
34:10
and then people treat it like it's some kind of a runway.
34:13
You know what I mean?
34:14
It makes me want to run away.
34:17
But I can't.
34:17
I'm stuck in this metal tube.
34:19
Ugh.
34:21
And you know what?
34:22
They used to give you meals.
34:24
What's up with meals?
34:25
on planes.
34:27
I used to be sitting there smoking,
34:29
having my Salisbury steak
34:31
on a one-hour flight,
34:34
slapping the stewardess's ass.
34:36
Hey, toots, get me another bourbon.
34:39
And now I slap their ass
34:40
and I get escorted off the plane.
34:42
I'm the bad guy.
34:43
Come on.
34:47
That makes me think of the economy.
34:50
You know, it's bad when you don't even flush anymore.
34:57
You know, you got to get your cost per flush down.
35:01
And everyone in the house has to be on the same page because you know what?
35:04
If people aren't on the same page, you might as well just flush.
35:07
Right?
35:08
Because if everyone's not doing it, why should I do it?
35:11
And how do you convince someone to do it
35:13
What do you say
35:14
Roommate
35:16
If you don't do this
35:18
I'm going to kill you
35:19
I'm going to kill you with a knife
35:22
Or a musket
35:24
And then they'd listen
35:27
And you
35:29
Are a hero
35:30
In the local watering community
35:32
And
35:34
You could just drink your own piss
35:38
You ever think of that
35:39
I'm thinking about it right now
35:40
okay I did it
35:42
I did it
35:45
yeah
35:47
I did it
35:48
I didn't even have to
35:51
I wasn't even stranded
35:52
all I had was cold water and that's not what I wanted
35:55
I wanted warm water
35:57
so I did it
36:00
and I did it in front of a school
36:03
and they were outside
36:06
and they saw
36:09
But it's okay
36:11
Cause I just said
36:16
I was mentally ill
36:18
And they don't even check
36:19
This guy gets it
36:22
Economy
36:25
Like economy oh my
36:27
Oof
36:28
Aye aye
36:30
They should
36:32
You know
36:33
The only person taking more of my money
36:37
Than my ex-wife is the government
36:39
I should call it the economy.
36:42
No, more like the economy.
36:44
Everybody but me.
36:46
That's who's getting the money.
36:48
Am I right?
36:50
Oh, yeah.
36:50
Yeah.
36:52
This guy gets it.
37:00
Talk about your last relationship.
37:04
Oh, that should be real easy.
37:06
Yeah, this will cover.
37:07
This will be real simple.
37:11
My last relationship was with a beautiful, beautiful young, young lady named Nike.
37:20
That's right.
37:21
It was my sock.
37:23
My sock was my last relationship.
37:26
It's the longest one I've ever had.
37:29
Oh, yeah.
37:33
And you know what?
37:35
Even she left me.
37:37
Even Nike, uh, even Nike went away.
37:42
She got lost in the dryer, quote unquote.
37:46
That's what they told me.
37:48
Yeah, you know when your socks go missing in the dryer?
37:50
Yeah.
37:51
Where'd they go?
37:52
Where'd they go?
37:53
You think there's a secret land out there where all the socks go?
37:57
Probably.
37:58
And they're probably all out there comparing notes about me.
38:02
Hey, hey, yeah.
38:03
did it take you a while to even
38:06
realize that
38:08
you were in a relationship with him?
38:10
Yeah, yeah, he's so small.
38:16
It took me a while to even realize
38:18
he was putting himself inside me.
38:20
Yay, yay, yay.
38:22
Talk more about your small penis.
38:27
Oh,
38:28
I call him Nubby.
38:33
Nubby and I have been through a lot together.
38:36
Been through a lot together.
38:40
And I always say to him,
38:41
don't worry, Nubby.
38:42
Don't worry.
38:43
You're big to me.
38:50
Relationships.
38:50
That reminds me of how,
38:54
you know how sometimes you get real lonely
38:56
and your friend who you admire
39:00
is real happy?
39:03
and you want what they got, right?
39:07
So you wait till they go to work,
39:08
and then you break in the back door,
39:12
and then you find them sitting on the bed,
39:17
and then you crack it in half because it's a sock,
39:22
and then you take it away,
39:27
and you bury it in two dumpsters,
39:29
and you know
39:33
they're never going to find a body
39:36
because it's a sock
39:37
and you get off on that
39:39
and it turns out
39:43
the weird of the object
39:47
the hotter it is
39:48
to the point where
39:51
you could never go back to a human again
39:55
You know
40:00
Not really a punchline in there
40:07
But okay
40:07
Oh you want a punchline
40:10
Solid
40:17
Like your sock
40:19
Anything else the audience want to hear about
40:23
Yeah
40:24
what other objects do you find sexy
40:28
hmm
40:30
that reminds me
40:33
when your
40:36
when your mom cooks she leaves you alone with the food All you need is a couple minutes Seven layer bean dip can become one layer real quick
40:53
I call that a flat five.
41:00
Because that's my size.
41:04
Yeah, yeah, I've had your mom's bean dip before.
41:07
Yeah.
41:10
That's what I call a vagina.
41:13
Hey.
41:14
Tell us more about his mom.
41:17
His mom
41:18
is so ugly.
41:22
Huh?
41:23
She's so ugly.
41:24
How ugly is she?
41:27
She's so ugly
41:28
that when we go out together,
41:32
people go,
41:32
hey, you're a good match.
41:34
You're a good match.
41:35
hey guys look at this ugly mug you guys get it
41:40
you know how your
41:47
mom told you about fisting
41:55
instead of the bees and the birds and you went to school all excited
42:02
thinking that's what it was
42:04
and then you got in trouble
42:06
and you had to go home
42:09
to your mom
42:10
who told you that
42:11
but you didn't want to talk about it anymore
42:15
so she asked what happened
42:17
and you lied
42:17
and then she found out the truth
42:23
mom
42:28
mom
42:33
this guy uh reversing irreversible binomials over here the bees and the birds
42:44
oh hey oh hey but hey this guy's mom's so ugly
42:53
this guy's mom's so ugly
42:55
how ugly is she
42:58
she's so ugly
43:01
I took her out and somebody was like
43:03
hey is she one of the griffins
43:04
and I was like what from family guy
43:06
no from mythology
43:09
hey
43:10
she's so ugly
43:12
good one dad
43:14
speaking of ugly
43:21
you ever bend over
43:25
and
43:27
see your own butt
43:29
and you're just like
43:31
yikes that's where the good lord
43:34
split me
43:34
that's where I was split
43:38
and you're saying
43:40
this while you're still bent over
43:41
and you're looking at your own face in the mirror behind you
43:44
and you're whole
43:45
and you're just
43:48
repeating it over and over because you can't believe it
43:50
And meanwhile, the toilet's unflushed.
43:52
You got to remember that.
43:53
This is all happening at once.
43:55
And then as the last time you say it, last time you say, this is where the good Lord split me.
44:03
Your butt winks because of how fast you're talking.
44:10
And you're like, whoa, I didn't know I could do that.
44:13
And then you're like, get in here.
44:16
Roommate who I yelled at earlier and threatened to kill.
44:19
get in here
44:21
and they come in and they're like
44:23
your ass
44:25
is out
44:26
and you're like I know
44:29
look
44:30
and you do it again and they were like
44:33
whoa
44:34
and they never forget it
44:37
and that's how you get on
44:38
Jimmy Fallon
44:40
because of the viral
44:45
ho-wink
44:47
This guy's talking about holes
44:52
Yeah
44:53
More like pie holes
44:56
Because then you should shut them
44:57
Ay yi yi
44:59
How many pie holes are there?
45:02
He's got so many pie holes
45:04
That I don't even have time
45:08
To put Nubby in all of them
45:10
Speaking of pies
45:12
You know how in Mrs. Doubtfire
45:15
they put the pie on the face
45:17
it reminds me of
45:19
this dead chick I found once
45:23
horrific
45:26
smelled
45:28
pretty bad
45:30
I called the cops
45:33
they came over
45:35
they agreed
45:36
I believe was what they said
45:37
clinical police term
45:39
how dead was she?
45:42
oh
45:43
dead
45:45
vulture
45:47
dead
45:49
she was so dead that
45:52
when I took her out later that night
45:54
people were like hey you're a good match
45:56
you're a good match
45:57
ay ay ay
45:59
oh that's been my time
46:05
thank you so much folks you've been a great audience
46:06
thank you so much folks
46:09
fuck you
46:10
this guy with the potty mouth
46:12
stick to your day job
46:14
Oh, that was a fun little comedy set.
46:21
I thought they were good.
46:23
There was the one guy that seemed to just tell more depressing stories from his life
46:28
and just ask if anybody knows.
46:31
I hope that guy's okay.
46:33
Hard to quantify comedy.
46:35
It's true.
46:35
It's subjective.
46:37
Yeah Well that wraps up Loose Five
46:50
All right.
46:52
It's time for our last segment.
46:55
The Big Question.
46:57
The question is very big.
47:01
Oh, you want it?
47:02
Can I?
47:03
Oh, I want it.
47:04
Okay.
47:04
Give it to me.
47:06
Okay.
47:07
I'm going to give you the question now.
47:10
Thank you.
47:12
The question is a challenge.
47:14
Oh.
47:15
I'm going to tell you about real life.
47:18
Well, not real life.
47:19
I'm going to give you situations, right?
47:20
I'm going to put you in a situation.
47:22
And I want you on the fly to come up with a new idiom or expression
47:26
that fits my saying that you just invented and then explain it.
47:31
And we're going to do this for multiple situations.
47:35
Whoa.
47:35
Yeah.
47:36
you clear on what I want?
47:39
Yes.
47:40
Are you going to give it to me?
47:42
I hope so.
47:43
I hope,
47:44
I hope I don't disappoint.
47:46
You won't.
47:47
You can't.
47:48
Okay.
47:49
You can flush whenever you want.
47:51
All right.
47:52
Thank you.
47:52
Let's get this under the,
47:53
let's get this,
47:54
let's get this pony on the skyscraper.
47:57
Ah,
47:58
good idiom.
47:59
Thank you.
48:01
Okay.
48:02
Hey,
48:02
Jenna.
48:03
tough day tough day i just found out my uh my grandma has been
48:11
sleeping with my other grandpa you know not the one that she's supposed to be with
48:17
maternal or which one my maternal grandma is sleeping with my paternal grandpa shit
48:26
sorry just remembered something
48:29
okay
48:32
uh well
48:34
you know what they say
48:38
you rub two Werthers together
48:46
you're gonna make a sticky mess
48:53
okay
48:54
so sorry about that buddy
48:56
Wow. That really helps, actually.
48:59
That's good.
49:01
That's good.
49:03
All right, new situation.
49:04
Okay.
49:07
Hey, Carol.
49:09
Hi.
49:09
Oh, my gosh, I've been meaning to call you.
49:11
It's just my kid got suspended, and that's the third time this week.
49:15
So things are really rough at the house right now, so I haven't had a lot of time.
49:19
Oh, my God.
49:21
Well.
49:26
When you know what they say, when you give birth to a piece of shit, the shit stays home.
49:35
That's where that, that's where that comes from.
49:38
Oh, we didn't have that one where I was born.
49:41
Oh yeah.
49:41
It's big around here.
49:42
Okay.
49:43
A lot of pieces of shit around here.
49:45
Okay.
49:46
So, okay.
49:47
So my son's a piece of shit.
49:49
Yeah.
49:51
Got it.
49:52
Thanks for telling me.
49:52
Well, now you know.
49:53
The suspensions didn't tip you off.
49:57
Now you know.
49:58
Now I know.
49:59
Thank you.
49:59
Yeah, I'll call soon.
50:00
Okay.
50:01
Okay.
50:01
Bye.
50:02
Bye.
50:04
New situation.
50:07
All right.
50:08
Wow.
50:08
It was a great camping trip.
50:11
I'm just going to go ahead and set up and, you know, I really needed this because I'm
50:16
having an existential crisis.
50:18
I don't even know who I am anymore.
50:20
I don't know how I'm going to even greet tomorrow.
50:25
Oof.
50:28
Oof, that's rough.
50:30
Like, are you thinking about, you know, the big goodbye in the sky?
50:38
Is that what you're talking about?
50:39
Yeah, I mean, I hope that's not too heavy.
50:42
Wait, what?
50:44
You know, you're thinking of offing yourself.
50:46
Oh, yeah, you called it a...
50:48
The big goodbye in the sky.
50:50
I've never heard that.
50:53
Oh, yeah, yeah.
50:54
That's what we call it.
50:55
What's the sky got to do with it?
50:57
Because you're going to heaven.
50:59
Oh, thank you.
51:01
Is there another version where maybe you don't?
51:06
The sad hello to below.
51:09
That's the one I knew.
51:11
Yeah.
51:11
That's the one I knew.
51:13
But you're a good guy.
51:14
You think so?
51:14
You're going to get that goodbye in the sky.
51:16
That means a lot.
51:17
Yeah.
51:18
Not that sad.
51:19
hello to
51:20
hello
51:21
I'm so pissed right now
51:25
what?
51:26
I just got this car
51:27
from the car dealership
51:28
and I found out
51:28
they charged me
51:29
50% over MSRP
51:31
huh?
51:33
ooh
51:33
yeah
51:36
you got the old
51:39
citrus squeeze
51:40
huh?
51:42
citrus squeeze?
51:43
yeah
51:43
it's when they
51:44
squeeze you out
51:44
every
51:45
every drop
51:46
for a lemon
51:47
I didn't even think it was a lemon
51:51
Oh it's probably a lemon
51:53
Citrus squeeze
51:54
This old citrus squeeze
51:55
Hey what's wrong
52:03
I'm just worried my lord has forsaken me
52:06
Oh no
52:08
Why
52:09
He hasn't answered any of my prayers
52:10
Oh
52:11
What makes you say that
52:16
none of my prayers
52:19
have been answered
52:19
what are you praying for
52:21
rain
52:23
money
52:24
a meet and greet
52:28
with Lucy Lawless
52:29
well
52:35
pine cones a Subaru Forester fully loaded banana leaf a Subaru Forester fully loaded banana leaf tomcat
52:48
murder weapon
52:51
of a famous crime
52:53
what else?
52:58
tears of a donkey
53:00
a window that belonged
53:03
to a third floor room
53:05
A tire that blew out on the freeway
53:10
and was collected by a person who liked rubber.
53:15
One of his air fresheners that's lost all of its scent,
53:18
but remains.
53:22
Pad Thai from a white-owned restaurant.
53:31
Asphalt.
53:35
And the last worn condom of Bryan Cranston.
53:55
Well, you know what they say.
53:59
God's a dick.
54:05
Okay, well, Francis, have I successfully answered the big question?
54:10
Yeah, yeah.
54:13
You did really well.
54:14
Thank you.
54:19
I think I could have listened to that list all day.
54:22
I wonder how long I could have kept going.
54:26
The murder weapon from a famous crime.
54:29
Bad tie from a white Owen restaurant.
54:35
These are just random musings, so just so you know, audience.
54:41
Well.
54:42
Wow.
54:43
I think we only have time for one final bit of business.
54:51
Secret words.
54:52
Ah!
54:57
Oh, no, Francis is home alone and someone's coming to check on him.
55:01
You got me, Joe.
55:02
Scared me.
55:03
I'm sorry.
55:05
That was really funny, though.
55:09
Yeah.
55:10
Sorry, what's our final segment?
55:13
We've got to guess each other's secret words.
55:16
Or try to, anyway.
55:17
Yeah.
55:20
I don't have a lot of guesses, but I'll just go first.
55:23
Okay.
55:25
I wrote down tortilla.
55:27
Nope.
55:29
And I understand that pervert's off the table, but I did write it down.
55:32
No, it's not pervert.
55:34
Someday.
55:35
Subjective?
55:36
Nope.
55:38
Maternal?
55:39
Nope.
55:41
That's all I wrote.
55:43
What?
55:43
That was a tough, yeah, nothing stuck out as weird to me at all.
55:46
I did such a good job.
55:49
Yeah, when did you get it in?
55:50
I got it in the middle segment?
55:52
No.
55:54
Invention of the Week, maybe?
55:56
I don't remember.
55:58
My word was quota.
56:00
I didn't even hear you say quota.
56:01
I said it.
56:03
I know you didn't clock it.
56:06
What did I say?
56:06
I said I.
56:10
I can't remember.
56:11
Reach my.
56:12
Oh, I need to reach my quota of liason or whatever.
56:16
Oh, I was worried that it was that.
56:18
Yeah.
56:19
I knew you were.
56:20
Yeah.
56:22
Damn.
56:23
Damn.
56:24
And then my decoy word was griffins.
56:29
Well, that's annoying.
56:31
I'm annoyed that that word didn't stick out to me at all.
56:35
Yeah.
56:35
Because now I'm like, yeah.
56:36
I thought, well, you also, like, I was surprised you didn't write down mythology either.
56:42
Yeah.
56:43
Um, okay.
56:44
Well, I guess I'll try.
56:47
I forgot to say my word.
56:49
Okay.
56:49
No.
56:50
Okay.
56:50
I don't know why I said that.
56:52
Don't do that.
56:53
I just wanted you to panic.
56:54
Like a button.
56:57
Is your word musket?
57:00
Decoy.
57:00
No!
57:01
dang i was hoping that that was oh i almost i almost guessed that as the decoy god damn it
57:09
all right well i'm gonna just guess the rest of these now okay i have a bunch is it flush
57:16
no unflushed no okay grandma no existential no forsaken yep oh
57:29
yes
57:32
and then you went on your little
57:35
things that you were praying for and I started to write
57:37
some of them down and I was like I can't
57:39
it's too many to keep up with
57:41
that would have been damn I should have put it in there
57:43
well you did it
57:45
right before that right when you said
57:46
God has forsaken me
57:48
alright
57:49
alright so your decoy
57:53
was musket I can't believe
57:55
I almost
57:55
did like a look away when you said it
57:59
but I didn't know if that was because you knew that I was writing it down and you were worried
58:03
you were caught. No, you caught me. Gotcha. God damn. Well, I'm plus one point. Okay.
58:12
And that puts you in the lead by half of a point. Oh, this is getting tight. You're neck and neck.
58:19
Yes. So next week's going to be pivotal. Oh yeah. Is that your word?
58:25
Tune in next week. Bye.
58:29
Bye.