Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 10- Intentional Marriage: Communication, Connection, and Choosing Joy

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Ep. 10- Intentional Marriage: Communication, Connection, and Choosing Joy · Shared Light

• JR And Dustie Rodriguez: Hello all, welcome back to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR. I'm obviously JR. And I'm Dustie. So it's been a busy week. Very Which is a little of a segue into our topic for this week. is. We thought we would change it up a little bit because the last few episodes have been pretty heavy. We have gotten into some deep topics and while a lot of parts of marriage can be heavy and deep, there's obviously things that we do that aren't. Yeah, I mean, I feel like majority of our marriages and life ⁓ is and upbeat and busy and it's not always so heavy. So, ⁓ You know, we do want to touch on all aspects of marriage, all aspects of connection, all aspects of what we're doing to, uh, you know, move forward in life and, uh, achieve some of the goals that we have together, uh, and separate and, yeah, just talk through what that looks like, you know, how you know, how we stay on the same level on the same page. Even we do have a million ⁓ things on, you know, again, separately together, we have two girls that we're trying to raise. You know, we're obviously a podcast now and we're starting to venture out to do some ⁓ consulting and some other on our own. know, side gigs to just expanding, keep moving, and keep ⁓ our message of better a little bit every day. yeah, let's ⁓ talk it. This week was crazy, hectic. Yeah, ⁓ feel I haven't really had time. we have time to be lazy or just and be ⁓ together, ⁓ do some the... little things like playing Fortnite or, and we just haven't. been busy with the business, but you work, you have school. I'm trying to still ⁓ take care the house and the kids. And ⁓ you're doing little bit of side work. You're obviously doing brunt ⁓ our engagement and content creation and trying to expand our brand in that way. Which, I think I come home, ⁓ get done with homework, we eat, and both so dead tired that we lay in for about 10 minutes and pass out. So. ⁓ Yeah. After work, still continue to some work with editing and. Right. creation and So, mean, do you think is key? We're lucky enough right now that we're doing a lot of our side stuff. It's a unified front and we're really trying to lean on each other's skills ⁓ build together. But it always that way. ⁓ No. With So, you know, do think ultimately contributed to us getting connected and you know, towards, it was a realization on my part that we needed to do something together. ⁓ been saying it for a long time, but, you even before that, I feel like we got to a point where we really just connected and I know I ⁓ started to a ⁓ better effort of being present in the moment and spending time with you guys. mean, that's my, my joy of joys is just being with you and the kids and. Yeah. And mine too. I just feel like we were so busy with other things that we didn't ever make the time or make it a priority for us. And there's just so many other factors and I had to learn that the kids are okay to do some stuff by themselves, you know, and that would allow even 30 minutes. in the morning or whatever for us to be together. You know, we started working out. We our home gym ⁓ and made that a priority. We get early. ⁓ We never to do that, but we, ⁓ you know, of that was you also needed and wanted to up early to work out, but also, you know, ⁓ there's lot of I don't want to. ⁓ I'm not. a morning per se. ⁓ don't just get up out of bed and go like you do. ⁓ need to sit and have my coffee and ⁓ for a while. I initially it was I was ⁓ up and out in the gym. And we've that a little bit so that we give you the 30, 40 minutes to wake up and then we hit the gym. ⁓ Yeah. But think that was important for us. We had to make that time say ⁓ going to get up at four in the morning so that we have this hour. ⁓ hour and a half, whatever it is be together. ⁓ sometimes that looks like both us working out and getting our workout in. Sometimes it looks like you're doing your workout and I'm just out there with you. Right. And that's thing that I think I found. And I'm here tell you that I, ⁓ I for the time, you know, subscribe to the fact that there's not enough time. There's not enough time for this. Not enough time to work out. There's not enough time to. the reality of it ⁓ the you make a priority, there's time for And what that look like? know, year and a two years ago when we decided that, we needed to start, ⁓ you know, taking of ourselves. you know, I'm not in the best shape in the world, but I try to eat And I do work out, you know, regularly. It was about making that a priority and okay, well I might not have time from, you know, 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. But I got time at, you know, 4 in the morning. Yeah, if I wake up early enough then. So and it does impinge a little bit on sleep sometimes, but. But it becomes your routine. It does. It does. you know, obviously I've done a lot of reading and I've done a lot of... self-improvement anyway. And that's one of the things that, you know, along the way that I picked up on is, you know, the reality of it is everything that you do in a day is, a habit. Yeah. I mean, everything from the time you wake up, you know, to the time you go to sleep your day, there are certain things that you gravitate to that you just do without, without about it. Yeah. I mean, you're brushing your teeth at the same time, the same way, you know, Some people have the morning routine that the first thing they do is, you know, they grab the phone, they scroll, wake up a few minutes, and then, you know, some people are in brushing their teeth first thing, some people are out drinking coffee first thing, but, you know, it's those habits, and it's about learning how to and change some of those mindsets to prioritize so that your habits do lean more towards the goals that you have. Yes. And I think, I feel like we've really tried. to do that the last, especially year and a half, really just tried to incorporate little things into our day that we never have before. Right, and I think it also, ⁓ know the one thing that helped me most. trying to find things that you also like to do. Being to share some of our hobbies has the that we have really gotten closer and been to stay connected. To your point, waking up at four in the morning sucks. ⁓ Yeah, that's not ideal. it is that ⁓ and a half, two that we have where we're completely alone most days and it's just you and me being able and even if we're not awake or ⁓ a deep conversation, the ability to just be together and do something together helps. Yeah, because part of my love language is time and touch. So for even if I'm just sitting there for 30 minutes, know, like This is important to me. And it really helps my days, most days, just to be with you. And there are days that we don't work out. I we have rest days that we're not working out, but we're, like said, we're just together, drinking coffee, talking about ideas, about whatever. And that's something has been ⁓ very important for ⁓ and I know us and our connection. We didn't ever make that time. mean, know, talk 10 years ago. Yeah, I know. It was really just, you know, in passing we would. And then, you know, big trips or whatever we planned. we had to plan a day or something to be together. But it was really like, I'm going fishing. You guys do you? And I was out, you know, with my mom, my sister, which I, you know. That's not a bad thing, it's just so many other things that you make priority, and they are a priority, I'm not saying they're not, but hanging out, doing shopping, whatever I wanted to do was not more a priority, but ⁓ we never time for us. ⁓ It was always, and I think a lot of that is because, like we mentioned previous episodes that You really dove into work and I was 100 % the kids. And so from the moment we woke up, our brains just switched. You went into work mode. I went into caregiving, taking care of kids and house. so we didn't ⁓ any of that time to just slow down and I think I'm be together. mean, there's There's going to be times where you have to do some of that. Yeah. And just because you have, know, aspiration and goals and obviously you have kids when they're, when kids are like little, little, they, mean, they need a lot of attention. So I don't want to discount that we were doing what we needed to do. I where we got lost in the jumble a little bit is that that ⁓ aspect where we weren't actively making it a priority to have a date night do something where it was able to just be us. Because, you know, you're ⁓ raising kids, and when you're, you know, trying to build a career and trying to have other things that are not, ⁓ you know, exclusive with each other, ⁓ it's easy lose ⁓ of home. Again, being present in the moment, because to your point, was especially, you know, 10 years ago, know, five years ago, even. Yeah. Like I didn't have that ability to disconnect because I was constantly in work mode. mean, 24 seven, it was ⁓ calls, you know, two or three in the morning. What, you know, one in the night, sometimes. Leaving at freaking 9 or 10 p.m. And being back to work at you know 2 in the morning because something broke or whatever it was and it unfortunately for us took a toll and you know caused us to have some issues but through that we both realized that we needed to be able to prioritize each and not just each other but prioritize the things that matter which to us and is always going to be my kids and my wife right for you it's going to be your kids and me ⁓ and to say that, my and my brothers and sisters aren't a priority or my family or, but. I have to be able to be in the moment with you guys. I see you every day. And you're my best friend. Why would I not want to, right? So it's that, it's being able to make time is a big one and trying to keep the connection, but also finding those little things that you're able to do together that you both enjoy. Because for a long time, I don't want to go shopping with you. You what I mean? Well, for a long time you didn't want to go really anywhere. Right. Because you worked so much and you were always out at work or whatever. So I was always going everywhere by myself, you know, and that has changed because now like I'm a passenger princess. I don't want to drive anywhere now because we just go everywhere together. We do. I mean. Everything now. mean this morning you got up at 6 in the morning and take doughnuts to work with me To take my people some doughnuts for for working overtime. Yeah, and that's something that we do every Saturday But again, it's one of those things that Like it's not a huge Like grand gesture right, but it's meaningful. Yeah, because we get to spend time together, know conversations come up while we're out and about And I think for me it's one the things that I've noticed ⁓ that me is Whether it's know getting up and working out whether it's getting up on Saturdays and taking donuts to your work whether whatever it is we're starting our day together. And we never did that. It was like, we had different bedtimes, we had different times that we woke up. was ever in between us way, schedule-wise. And so me, that's ⁓ important, because we're starting day together, we're ending our day together. Which, I mean, in a you should prioritize that anyway. Obviously, it's harder. When you're working split schedules and, and, you know, I worked at graveyards for a long time and it's just hard, hard to completely acclimate a family to somebody working graveyard. Right. But to your point, do you can still have those moments of, okay, you're starting your day, but I'm ending my day. We can do that together. Yeah. And And it's about, you know, again, prioritizing that, that relationship with each other because, It's super easy to just get complacent. Yeah. you'll always have time for what you prioritize is the bottom line. You you always will. Yeah. You know, for us, we just prioritizing things other than ⁓ other. and it's not about, you sometimes people can't make that whether it be schedule, you know, whatever, they don't live together, you know. you have to find ⁓ things. Like one the things for us is that always, every morning, text. ⁓ We Intentionally, text. We send other. What would you call it? Basically a love note. Yeah. For the day. a little note for the day. Like, you're important to me and this is why, or this is why I love you. that, I am keen to sharing my light with you. Or me the reason your light is so impactful for me. Right. And that, I mean, I know it's for me to see the ones that you send me, but for me it's more about like, if something happens to me today, you know how I feel. Yeah. And very intentional. Yeah. It has to be. And that's, guess that's the biggest takeaway, right? Is that you have to be intentional about your marriage. It can't, it can't ever just be set on the back burner and, ⁓ just something that will just marinate. I know a lot of marriages are that way. But you end up finding regret in those places a lot of the time. Yeah. And feel like intention, it goes such long ways. Because. I mean, what does it take? 30 seconds to type a text and send it. that. I mean, it's not something that you have to really. Schedule time and take time away from something else to do. Yeah, it's so intentional ⁓ it has such an impact, you ⁓ and I think finding little things like that. Or. ⁓ like this, little sticky notes that I'm constantly leaving you about, you know, I believe in you and your ability to overcome any challenge. I'm so proud of you. You leaving those you randomly for you to find or, ⁓ you know, day I leave ⁓ one in lunch and I leave one in the kids' lunches, you know, and doesn't take whole lot of my time, but it's something that. I intentionally do because I want you to open your lunchbox in the middle of the day or whenever the kids, you know, and see. I mean, sometimes I go a few days without even seeing them and then I'm like, when the, what the, I'll be you know, underneath my keyboard or something. Yeah. You I think sometimes even when we go in on Saturdays, I'll go out onto the floor and you'll randomly leave stuff in my office and I'll find it throughout the week. I'm like, the heck ⁓ on little, on your white boards. Yeah. So It really does Regardless of how much of a tough guy I like to think I am it really does warm my heart right so to to to get stuff like that because everybody I don't care how people say they don't care Everybody wants feel appreciated and valued and feel like somebody is thinking of them, And I know I to be that guy that I don't care what anybody thinks, right? But you do. mean, you can fight that sense of wanting to belong or wanting to be loved or want, know, call it what you want to call it, all you want. But, you know, and I've said this a million times, like, nobody gets through this life alone. I think even if you... Don't you think you don't want it subconsciously you need it. Yeah, like everybody that whether they know they need it or not ⁓ and I mean there's there's a lot of science behind that. I mean you you talk about You know some of the oldest oldest in the world and ⁓ why people live for so long a lot of that to do with social integration and having that community around them and how they're just integrated into, it's not the food they eat, it's not the bad habits that they have, the exercise, it's the social integration that they have. And that's also why you find, especially when you have two people that are connected so closely when they older, Partner passes and within a you know a couple months couple weeks, the second partner will pass if there's no nothing else That them integrated into into ⁓ what happening, right? Which goes to you know that Intention you have to be intentional about Your marriage you to be intentional about things that you're doing your day, ⁓ know, because your if you make a priority, you have time for it. Yeah. And if you're going make it a priority or it is a priority to you, why would you not want be intentional about it? right. You're taking that to make a Be intentional about it. I think that ⁓ goes for you're just ⁓ together ⁓ ⁓ a, know, in the moment, being intentional enough you know, get off the phone for a few seconds and just enjoy the company that you're in. And I think that's big one is that ⁓ because we, we both. do the doom scroll. yeah. And it's really easy nowadays to just be locked in to your screen. And ⁓ everybody, at this point, even kids. ⁓ I I ⁓ legit other day saw a girl walking past, like walking across the street. at phone. looking at her phone and not even realizing that there's a car coming at her. Yeah. And I mean, luckily the guy was watching what he was doing, but it's that get blinders on when you're scrolling or typing. Well, and I think if you take that to be intentional and be on your phone or computer or whatever it is, that screen, and you the time to connect with ⁓ your partner, person. that leads into so many other things that leads into improving your, not just your connection, but your communication. start to not just grow ⁓ but you also, ⁓ start to. Talk about, we've said before, talk about those hard things that you have afraid to or you don't want to. And those, when you're more intentional and you're making that time, those start to get easier and easier to talk about. And you still hiccups. ⁓ I mean, it's all, ⁓ you know, rainbows kittens all the time. No. but that intention does make it. It makes you value relationship enough that you want to be able to work through those conversations. You to get to a place of understanding so that you both good about where you're at. it's ⁓ that nature ⁓ society right Everybody instant Everybody wants just... walk away when things get hard. You know, that's not marriage. I mean, it can be for some people, but it shouldn't be though. And it, ⁓ mean, it should be your goal to, to work on your marriage and, ⁓ ⁓ it what you want it to be. And that, yeah. And that's the big one is, mean, the two in that relationship should be to understand that they came into this with each other, that yeah, they're in love and yeah, but it's about growing a life together and it's about finding things that you're going to accomplish together. Because again, think we've had a pretty good general understanding of what we wanted in life. And then when we got to that point... Because for us it was always kids, right? That was the big one. We want kids, we want to have a family. But then we got to that and it was like, okay, well now what do I got to do to make sure like my kids are taken care of and you know, what does that look like for us? Five years, 10 years, 20 years down the road. So your focus shifts a little bit. I your focus ⁓ and was, mean, I want to be the best mom. And mine very like, well, no, now I got to take care of these kids. Yeah, I kind of make sure they're always taken care of. But I think that's. That connection should always be evolving. Right. should it should always change because ⁓ you're going to go through. so many different things with partner throughout your journey. And I think where we failed in that instance was we didn't communicate well what intentions were and what our goals past that Right. You just assumed I knew what was going on in your head and ⁓ vice versa. just kind of assumed we knew what each other feeling or thinking or, you know. And it does, mean, kids and, you know, trauma and everything, it has a way of shifting the perspective on a marriage for sure. don't think that it doesn't because ⁓ can come through ⁓ and the frame of reference for where you're headed in life. Yeah. you know, case in point, were at a point where we thought, okay, well, we're just going to live our lives and we're not going to have kids. then lo and behold, now we have two beautiful, you know, babies that, that we just absolutely adore, but it, it happen like that. mean, sometimes it's just, and it's not good. ⁓ Sometimes the bad and totally changes that. but That's why we always talk about communication is so important because when those things do come good bad, you can use that. such a tool ⁓ in your marriage. and no use communication that you've already established. And to that point, no matter how ⁓ think you know the person, no matter how long, ⁓ even us, right? Like we've been together for such a long time. She knows me better than anybody. ⁓ feel like I know her better than anybody, but I still don't know what she's thinking and she still doesn't know what I'm thinking about different So that's why it ⁓ is more important that you ⁓ have, you are able to build that time together to talk through some of that stuff. It's just not always gonna be. good, gonna be some bad moments. But if you've already established that ⁓ of reference ⁓ trajectory that you're both headed to, ⁓ both have that baseline of like, ⁓ we hit this hiccup, how do we transition go from here? Or, well, we need to change course. But you've already kind of built that in. And the downside is if you haven't been communicating and talking, well now she's going one way and I'm going another. Yeah. But you're not only that, you're trying to deal with the situation at hand that's come into play while also trying to hurry and build that communication foundation to try to get through whatever the situation is at that moment. you're not communicating ⁓ you're to figure out what she's thinking and you know she's trying to figure out what you're thinking or you know however it may break down that way and that's almost worse. Yeah. Because now ⁓ Like if it's lizard brain, ⁓ your worst case scenario. Right. Or it's, you know, brain, it's yeah, this is of course how we fix it. And it's not like never going to know truly what that person is thinking unless they tell you or how that person, you know, receive the information. Cause that's the other side is right. You know, We all receive things differently based on our life experience, based on the situations that are dealt to us throughout the day. So It's that intention that comes behind all of that, that allows you to have and build on that, those communication channels throughout day and throughout your weeks and throughout, ⁓ you every incremental step that you take. Just builds that. And that's with I mean, that's, that's, that's life. It's every little step you forward, ⁓ you know, small progress over lifetime is, mean, huge. Yeah. I it just, I mean, it's me to be more, not I'm ⁓ not, been dishonest, but I, intention makes me ⁓ want to more intentional and more and more honest about, especially my anxiety, my, you know, my darkness. I think that's part of it is that last couple years we've slowly built those stepping stones to get to a point where I'm able to. intentional even if it's hard you know because intention is not always about good things that come you know I need sometimes to be intentional about my darkness and how I approach it and how I talk to you about it and what I need from you when I'm struggling and again it's not always easy And it's not always perfect, but I still have moments. mean, we ran into one this past weekend where it was we didn't communicate well. ⁓ No, we Obviously there was hurt feelings on both sides and I think we both just came to the realization. I mean, I think you even said it like this isn't going anywhere. We need to stop right here. Productive. Yeah. we did. And again, you're not going to always have. rainbows and kittens. It's not always going to be smooth sailing and going to have hiccups along the way. I think okay. our situation a couple days ago. It was, you said, we both had hurt feelings, we weren't communicating and we didn't solve anything. But we got to point in our communication it was like, ⁓ we're not going with this, it's not productive, we need stop talking about it. And that's okay to do at end of the day, literally at the end of that day, We were okay. We didn't have to resolve anything. It was a situation that didn't need a fix. ⁓ Well, I, yeah, don't think there's, I don't know that resolution in that just because it's, ⁓ again, it's that perspective Yeah. We view it from different lenses. unfortunately, that's not always going to jive with each other's view of the world, is to point. I mean, it's OK. It's ⁓ OK. not a detriment to our marriage. ⁓ No. That had that. And that's life. You're always going to agree on everything. And I think for a long time we ⁓ thought maybe we could and would always agree because we're generally pretty on the same wavelength. Yeah. But you're not always going to agree with everybody. No. And I think that's maybe a general perception of marriage is like, it's only going to be good if you always agree But that's not that's not the case. I mean, I could argue that it's going to be better if you don't always agree. I mean, we, like for me anyway, ⁓ the last, up until the last couple of years, that's it felt for me. I felt like if we have ⁓ any kind disagreement or we, you know, ⁓ we don't on this or we don't have the same perspective on something. ⁓ we're not okay. Our marriage is not okay. You know, and that fueled some of my anxiety, but it's so opposite. It is. mean, you're so opposite ⁓ I can see that now. ⁓ you learn. I have learned, I shouldn't say you. I have learned ⁓ leadership and a leadership management that, and this can be applied to just life in general. is that there has to be some healthy conflict within organizations, even our group of just ⁓ you I. There has to be a little bit of conflict because through that conflict, that's where you start to develop some of those tools to ⁓ face adversity, able to ⁓ resolve conflict. And does. bring about a different type of relationship. Yeah. for took a long time to learn that, you know, some, some conflict when I say conflict, not saying you're yelling at somebody know, you're not, no, you're not being verbally abusive or anything like that. Healthy conflict ⁓ is, ⁓ you know, being like we talked being able to Understand that we're not always going to agree. ⁓ Yeah. Being able to disagree on being able to understand that maybe there's not a resolution in this and being able to move on from that and know with a general understanding of like, okay, this is how she sees it. This is how he sees it. We're going to try to do better on that front and, move forward. Yeah. And it's okay to have different perspectives and move on from that. You know, it's not always about you have to see my perspective or, you know, which we're going to be angry at each other because of that. Again, that's where ego takes over. And that's where, like, I very much got this past week and got my feelings hurt because you bruised my ego a little bit, but And it's okay. I'm okay with that. I understand that that's where that comes from. And I'm able to look at that and think, okay, well that's, I reacted the way I reacted more than anything because of that. But that's what ego says is that am I, you have to understand me. Yours not. mean, it's impossible. impossible to fully understand every, anyone a hundred percent of the time. Because again, has a different lens that they see the world through. And I, ⁓ know, you to get higher macro view it. I mean, I think that's a lot of the disconnect in society. when you start talking like politics and you start talking, you know, global issues, you start talking some of those things is that people have a hard time understanding that everybody is entitled to their view. Yeah. Their own perspective. And their idea. And a lot of what we see in the world ⁓ is trying to make somebody understand their perspective. Yes. ⁓ Because thinks their own perspective is the right perspective. Which I'm not going to get into politics. don't subscribe to any of that. everybody's entitled to what they want to believe. And whether be religion, whether that be politics, whether that be what they want to believe, obviously there's some things that I think are morally not good. But again, that's my perspective and my view. And that's just a whole different tangent that I could get into. But again, when it comes to doing what. It's the, really is the little things think that you're able to do throughout your day to really just continue building that connection and continuous. I am not kidding when I say that right now we have a thousand separate things going ⁓ on our day, along with the thousand that we have going on together. Yes. And luckily we found that. shared approach and shared goal helps us connect even more. But even without I think there's a lot of things that we do and have been doing that you guys could adopt, you know, throughout your day, just to make yourselves more intentional with, with your partner. Yeah. and that's really what is. Not even just about, ⁓ you need to block three hours of your day to. You know, sometimes for us, it's just those 30 second text messages or, you know, every day we kiss goodbye. And you get home or time, like if I go somewhere, which I don't anymore really by myself, but if I'm home, he's coming home, whatever, you know, it's a kiss, a hello, you know, and, and ⁓ it doesn't. take up a whole lot of time, but it's something that keeps. our connection going. Something that keeps us thinking like I'm on his mind, he's on my mind. You know, even when you don't have the time to take away and spend with that person, it a priority to intentional. ⁓ However, however you, ⁓ know, you're comfortable with because obviously, you know, my love ⁓ is ⁓ completely different. Yeah. And I couldn't even tell you what it is. But I mean, I think a lot of it's probably time spent. Time spent gift giving. I mean, I am a gift guy. I do like giving gifts. which I think I got that from my dad. it really is just about what you're doing intent to be intentional. It's not, I'm saying that you have to do what we do. I'm not saying that it's even going to work for you. it may not, but finding those little things throughout your day to just show appreciation to the person that you've committed to goes a long And if you have the time, then take it and be intentional. have the time every morning while you're showering or whatever to go in and ⁓ your lunch and take the time to weigh it all out so that you can log it. ⁓ take the time to make the kids' lunch every day for school because they don't like the school lunch. But have that time in my day because I'm a stay at home mom. And it's your priority. And it's my priority. those things are very intentional and have an impact on you. They have an impact on the kids, you know, so it's about mainly, I being intentional in whatever you do, whatever you have time for, ⁓ whatever, you be intentional about how that's going impact that person. I agree. I think to myself, you know, pretty regularly, you know, what did I do today to let my kids know that I love them? What did I do today to let, you know... Again, because you never, you never really know. You never really know what's gonna happen. know, you never really know ⁓ tomorrow's gonna bring. And one regret that I don't wanna have in life is that my, people that hold in the highest regard and that are, you know, a part of me, I never wanna the regret that they didn't know how I felt. and that is, ⁓ You know, part of that intention for me, but again, it needs to be what it needs to be you. ⁓ you know, with that, please keep on sharing your light. It's been a pleasure talking to everybody. We hope you guys got something out of this and that you're living for a better tomorrow.