Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Table Guests: Dr. Kelly Stephens – Our Friend in Low Places - Expectations | Ep. 60

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Table Guests: Dr. Kelly Stephens – Our Friend in Low Places - Expectations | Ep. 60 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:11
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:11
  Cheryl: Kelly?
• 1:12
  Cheryl: Uh, I've forgotten a lot of my Latin, gentle but you've said it to me before.
• 1:17
  Cheryl: pre malorum is that what it is?
• 1:20
  Cheryl: premeditation, malorum.
• 1:22
  Kelly: Is okay, is the Latin phrase.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: And I've heard you say it in conversations.
• 1:26
  Cheryl: We talk about it all right.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: And so I'm interested, what in the world does that mean?
• 1:31
  Kelly: The English translation roughly would be low expectations, uh, or the premeditation of evil.
• 1:39
  Kelly: Wow.
• 1:39
  Kelly: Not, not preme evil things, but thinking of all the things maybe even the bad things that might happen either in life as a.
• 1:49
  Kelly: Big picture or in each certain situation
• 1:52
  Cheryl: in life.
• 1:53
  Cheryl: All right, so this is a parenting podcast, and you've said it to me numerous times when we've been talking about different aspects of parenting in life.
• 2:02
  Cheryl: That sounds very pessimistic.
• 2:05
  Cheryl: Oh, oh, oh, oh.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: Negative.
• 2:08
  Cheryl: Very super.
• 2:09
  Cheryl: Be prepared because it's all gonna be bad.
• 2:12
  Cheryl: and we want to bring reality with encouragement to our listeners.
• 2:17
  Cheryl: I mean, Kelly parenting can be daunting enough without the practice of, let's think of all the bad things about our family, our children, and my parenting, So just get ready for it.
• 2:29
  Cheryl: I know you better than that.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: That's not what you're trying to equip with.
• 2:32
  Kelly: Right.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: Tell us more about it.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: Expand it for
• 2:35
  Kelly: us.
• 2:35
  Kelly: So again, the English translation would be low expectations, Uhhuh which, which I could hear you say, well then you'll never be disappointed.
• 2:45
  Kelly: It's just everything's gonna be bad er type thing.
• 2:48
  Kelly: Yes.
• 2:49
  Kelly: But I'm talking about having low expectations of.
• 2:54
  Kelly: Yourself in the sense of letting yourself be yourself.
• 2:59
  Kelly: If you don't get everything done, you thought you were gonna get done.
• 3:02
  Kelly: It's okay.
• 3:03
  Kelly: Have low expectations of others, mainly, and I feel like that's where this premeditation Malorum comes from.
• 3:09
  Kelly: Or if someone lets you down, someone's late, someone doesn't come through with the thing they were gonna do.
• 3:15
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 3:15
  Kelly: someone misses an appointment that.
• 3:19
  Kelly: have considered that this could happen.
• 3:21
  Kelly: So you've thought it through, you've anticipated potential negatives, Uhhuh, in any situation.
• 3:26
  Kelly: Uhhuh And if something happens, you were ready for it.
• 3:29
  Kelly: It's like if you have anticipated.
• 3:34
  Kelly: Bad things happening in certain things you've planned.
• 3:37
  Kelly: If any bad things do happen, you can handle them better than if they came as a complete surprise because you had a perfect script written.
• 3:46
  Kelly: Oh, you had a script for Christmas morning written.
• 3:50
  Kelly: Oh, and your kid pooped their diaper and got it on the c.
• 3:55
  Kelly: Presence or a tree.
• 3:56
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 3:56
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 3:56
  Kelly: But because you had anticipated these negative things potentially, or these, I forgot to put the salmon rolls in, or I forgot to take them out, and now they're burned.
• 4:10
  Kelly: That's happened.
• 4:11
  Kelly: It's okay.
• 4:12
  Kelly: Okay.
• 4:12
  Cheryl: All right.
• 4:13
  Cheryl: So rather than, You know, well have low expectations soon.
• 4:18
  Cheryl: Never be disappointed, like you said, an EOR thing, right?
• 4:21
  Cheryl: Instead what you're talking about, it sounds more to me.
• 4:26
  Cheryl: realism.
• 4:28
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 4:28
  Cheryl: And, um, maybe forethought thinking things through Yes.
• 4:33
  Cheryl: That instead of seeing life as an Instagram picture, right?
• 4:38
  Kelly: Yes.
• 4:38
  Kelly: You know, as we've said before, I think, um, you know, Pinterest.
• 4:43
  Kelly: Is both.
• 4:44
  Kelly: The safest and the least safe on all social media?
• 4:48
  Kelly: Yes, it's safe because there's generally not any pornography or anything on there, but it's really unsafe in that it's this beautiful picture of whatever this person has cooked or sewn or put together and you don't see the rest of the house looks terrible.
• 5:05
  Kelly: Or the 10 times it failed before it turned out that way and.
• 5:11
  Kelly: thinking of the way things could go wrong, like you said, forethought, and then if possible, planning for that.
• 5:22
  Kelly: Making sure that you have enough ingredients for what you're gonna bake mm-hmm.
• 5:28
  Kelly: before Christmas.
• 5:28
  Kelly: Or make sure that you have the, um, whatever So I'm rehearsing the things that could happen negatively in my mind then.
• 5:41
  Kelly: I'm not so surprised, crushed, defeated when one or all of them occur.
• 5:47
  Cheryl: Oh, cuz it, at first, and when I've heard you say it, not only the Eor aspect, but it sounded.
• 5:55
  Cheryl: Powerless, right?
• 5:56
  Cheryl: You know, this negative thing of life is gonna happen.
• 5:59
  Cheryl: But instead you're talking about be Empowered, Yes
• 6:03
  Kelly: Yes.
• 6:03
  Cheryl: would you give us a scenario with your, uh, parents of your patients that come into you?
• 6:10
  Cheryl: So why have you decide this is something that you want to bring to your patients and our
• 6:14
  Kelly: listeners?
• 6:14
  Kelly: I, I would say the first time that I bring up.
• 6:17
  Kelly: Not these words.
• 6:19
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 6:19
  Kelly: But this concept is in The first visit a newborn has in the office.
• 6:25
  Kelly: Uhhuh.
• 6:25
  Kelly: and I tell them, fussiness in a baby.
• 6:30
  Kelly: Gets worse between birth and six weeks as that baby adjusts to the world and all the things around it and comes out of the womb.
• 6:38
  Kelly: And, and so for six weeks every day it seems like they're getting fussier and fussier, thankfully it's only usually in the evening.
• 6:46
  Kelly: but if parents know that that's gonna happen and that it probably will peak at around six weeks and then it'll start getting better If you.
• 6:55
  Kelly: Hang on past that six week point, we made it to six weeks.
• 6:59
  Kelly: Now it's gonna get better.
• 7:01
  Kelly: Oh, we're ready for this.
• 7:02
  Kelly: It's not like going to the emergency room because the baby's crying.
• 7:05
  Kelly: He's three weeks old.
• 7:06
  Kelly: It's like they cry.
• 7:08
  Kelly: It's okay.
• 7:09
  Kelly: And more parents than you can think of have said that really helped.
• 7:13
  Kelly: The nights when it got really bad because we were like, okay.
• 7:18
  Kelly: It's, he's four weeks older.
• 7:19
  Kelly: He is six weeks older.
• 7:20
  Kelly: She's seven weeks old, and maybe she's a, a little, you know, coming down off of that high fussiness.
• 7:27
  Cheryl: That's really good.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: So I like that because what you're doing, and I know cuz I know a lot of patients, I call'em patience as the apparent patient.
• 7:35
  Cheryl: Oh yeah, yeah.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: But that's what they appreciate is you preparing them.
• 7:39
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 7:39
  Cheryl: And so it's sort of Boy scouts, be prepared, be prepared.
• 7:43
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:43
  Cheryl: For things.
• 7:43
  Cheryl: Because see, I didn't know that.
• 7:45
  Cheryl: I wish someone had told me, oh by the way, this peaks and comes down.
• 7:50
  Cheryl: And again, this is normal.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: Not being prepared for the negative.
• 7:55
  Cheryl: But a realistic view of what normal life is.
• 7:59
  Kelly: Well, and, and I feel like you said powerless, and I feel like if, you know, you don't have control over mm-hmm.
• 8:07
  Kelly: a certain situation, you aren't powerless in it.
• 8:10
  Cheryl: I'm realizing Kelly.
• 8:12
  Cheryl: That is true.
• 8:14
  Cheryl: Like the saying goes, knowledge is power.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: In this case, it actually is.
• 8:20
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 8:20
  Kelly: You can observe it and understand it, so.
• 8:25
  Kelly: Well, the first place that I think I have the words, low expectations on any of my handouts, Uhhuh is in a paragraph about potty training on the 15 month checkup.
• 8:36
  Kelly: And I say, your child's not gonna be potty trained till they're over three.
• 8:40
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 8:40
  Kelly: Just don't get your expectations high, even though your mother or your grandmother is gonna remember you were potty trained at this early age.
• 8:48
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 8:48
  Kelly: It's like first of.
• 8:50
  Kelly: you probably weren't.
• 8:51
  Kelly: Second of all, kids aren't anymore and again, worst case scenario, what if their child is potty trained at two, then they're like winning.
• 8:59
  Kelly: I, I got this thing down.
• 9:01
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 9:02
  Kelly: And I will use eating and potty training as two things.
• 9:06
  Kelly: You can't control your kids doing.
• 9:10
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 9:10
  Cheryl: true
• 9:11
  Kelly: You can't make the meat and you can't make them potty.
• 9:15
  Kelly: And so if you try to control those, you are going to be miserable all the time.
• 9:20
  Kelly: And so you.
• 9:21
  Kelly: Premeditation Malorum, you think of, oh my gosh, he's probably gonna be four.
• 9:26
  Kelly: Dr.
• 9:27
  Kelly: Stevens says He's never had a patient go to college in diapers.
• 9:30
  Kelly: No.
• 9:30
  Kelly: Or maybe even to kindergarten in diapers.
• 9:32
  Kelly: But it seems like it's forever.
• 9:35
  Kelly: If all your friends on Instagram, their kids are
• 9:38
  Cheryl: potty trained.
• 9:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:39
  Cheryl: And listening to it, I'm tracking with you as if I were a parent listening and what I see the benefits of this, the realism of it.
• 9:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:48
  Cheryl: which is.
• 9:49
  Cheryl: Uh, a lot of times in life we develop some realistic viewpoints, but if we Don't the problem is either unrealistic burdens on yourself.
• 9:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:58
  Cheryl: Yes,, I'm a failure.
• 10:00
  Cheryl: You're right.
• 10:00
  Cheryl: I can't do this, or I have to crank it up more.
• 10:04
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:04
  Cheryl: Trying to produce something that you said I have no control over.
• 10:07
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 10:08
  Cheryl: Or you're disappointed in your children.
• 10:11
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 10:11
  Cheryl: And even if the children.
• 10:13
  Cheryl: They're not old enough to know the word, disappointed.
• 10:16
  Cheryl: They feel it.
• 10:16
  Cheryl: They might feel like they sense it.
• 10:18
  Cheryl: They sense it instead.
• 10:21
  Cheryl: I kind of think it's grace that you're giving yourself grace.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: And the children grace.
• 10:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:26
  Cheryl: To develop normally with.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: Again, realistic expectations.
• 10:30
  Kelly: Right?
• 10:30
  Kelly: And this is a stoic philosophy.
• 10:32
  Kelly: It's not, it is Christian philosophy or a Jewish philosophy or anything.
• 10:36
  Kelly: It's a stoic philosophy.
• 10:38
  Kelly: Um, and some people have said the stoics are, you know, are pessimists and yeah, and, and everything's gonna be bad.
• 10:45
  Kelly: But in reality, they just wanted to be prepared for things in advance.
• 10:50
  Kelly: If they happened, okay, so we have discussed in the past the idea of our family, trip.
• 10:57
  Cheryl: our listeners should be tracking with you because we refer all the time to our family roadmap or our family road trip idea, which you introduced to us
• 11:08
  Kelly: So, so this premeditation malorum would be, Planning all the places along the road that were going things that could go wrong.
• 11:20
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 11:20
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 11:21
  Kelly: places that could sidetrack us.
• 11:23
  Kelly: The flat tire, the running outta gas.
• 11:25
  Kelly: Yep.
• 11:25
  Kelly: The wreck, whatever.
• 11:27
  Kelly: But we've anticipated those and if we get knocked off course, we, we know how to get back onto the road, boy.
• 11:35
  Cheryl: Oh, that's so good.
• 11:36
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 11:37
  Cheryl: Because it is true.
• 11:38
  Cheryl: It is a stoic.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: View, it's a more serious view about things, when I read it or heard you I went to the Eor right.
• 11:47
  Cheryl: Negative mentality.
• 11:48
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:48
  Cheryl: But see, what I really like about this is that concept, if we kind of thought it through.
• 11:56
  Cheryl: We know how to readjust our family to get back on a realistic
• 12:00
  Kelly: course, right?
• 12:01
  Kelly: It's not we're off course now we're, we're done, we're done.
• 12:04
  Kelly: Or it's
• 12:05
  Cheryl: like if we use the roadmap mentality that you don't put a spare tire afraid you're gonna have a blowout on the road, but realism about road trips in life is you do have
• 12:19
  Kelly: Have a flat tire right?
• 12:20
  Kelly: And there are times when, it's like, do I take this or do I do this?
• 12:26
  Kelly: And I, I will think if it, if it happens that I needed it, and somebody says, didn't you think about that?
• 12:34
  Kelly: Why?
• 12:34
  Kelly: Why didn't you bring that?
• 12:35
  Kelly: My wife would have us have all the preparations in case we get stuck in a blizzard somewhere in our car, Uhhuh.
• 12:42
  Kelly: And then we've got the clothes and everything to wear so we don't freeze to death And so a lot of times we carry those things around and it didn't happen, but hey, we're happy it didn't happen.
• 12:53
  Kelly: So we, when we take'em back out, we can say, whoa, we dodge that.
• 12:58
  Kelly: We didn't need these.
• 12:59
  Kelly: We just put'em back in the house and we'll bring them back out later.
• 13:02
  Kelly: so Especially when I have already thought about it, and if I can control it or mitigate that damage to some degree, I'm gonna have the spare tire and make sure it's got air in it.
• 13:14
  Kelly: I'm gonna have the.
• 13:15
  Kelly: The, jumper cables.
• 13:17
  Kelly: Uh, I'll have those things with me in case these things happen, and then if they don't, it's okay.
• 13:24
  Kelly: Nobody's harmed by having those things with them, and you might actually help someone else along the way.
• 13:29
  Cheryl: I really like that.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 13:31
  Cheryl: Do you see a lot of parents that aren't operating this way?
• 13:35
  Cheryl: Heaping up a lot of self condemnation?
• 13:37
  Cheryl: Oh Yes.
• 13:38
  Cheryl: And stress.
• 13:38
  Cheryl: Oh Yes.
• 13:38
  Cheryl: Oh Yes.
• 13:39
  Cheryl: Yes,
• 13:39
  Kelly: So I think parents today want I think parents in every generation.
• 13:45
  Kelly: I just didn't deal with every generation and everybody wants to be perfect.
• 13:49
  Kelly: before there was Facebook and Instagram,, there was your grandmother and your great-grandmother and they talked, you know, about the good old days and you know, everything is, there's some new bad thing right now.
• 14:00
  Kelly: It's social media and electronics.
• 14:02
  Kelly: There will be something else but.
• 14:05
  Kelly: our disappointment with ourselves does us no good.
• 14:08
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 14:09
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 14:09
  Kelly: So having realistic expectations of ourselves not being surprised when we fail in in failing doesn't mean I flunked.
• 14:18
  Kelly: It just might mean I didn't do it as well as I thought I was going to do it.
• 14:23
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 14:23
  Kelly: It didn't turn out the way I wanted it to turn out.
• 14:27
  Kelly: Anything with little kids.
• 14:30
  Kelly: it Takes longer, looks worse and is more irritating than anything needed to
• 14:38
  Cheryl: be.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: Okay I see this, I love the idea of trying to take that pressure off of parents.
• 14:47
  Cheryl: Yes, not, not saying prepare to mess up, but be realistic.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: And realize it isn't a Pinterest no snapshot.
• 14:58
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: This is real life.
• 15:00
  Cheryl: And again, I go back to, I like it because it takes the pressure off the parent.
• 15:05
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:05
  Cheryl: And it takes the unrealistic pressure off the children because it's a fake test.
• 15:13
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:13
  Cheryl: To think we're gonna do it all
• 15:14
  Kelly: right.
• 15:14
  Kelly: Right.
• 15:15
  Kelly: I mean, I think kids take enough tests in school.
• 15:19
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 15:19
  Kelly: That they know are just.
• 15:21
  Kelly: Tests for test sake.
• 15:23
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 15:23
  Kelly: And, and they know the difference between that and a test that's testing their true abilities because they've worked on something.
• 15:30
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 15:30
  Kelly: And I feel like parents have a similar sense that certain of the things that they seem to be supposed to do based on what they're reading on Pinterest or seeing in, um, you know, Facebook or Instagram is like, this is just, I'm just doing.
• 15:49
  Kelly: To, for a photo op or for an opportunity to show off and it's like, I don't really need.
• 15:56
  Kelly: to do this.
• 15:57
  Kelly: I just am feel like I'm supposed to do this.
• 16:00
  Kelly: I feel like feeding babies is an area where moms, uh, I You can make a mom feel guilty for anything.
• 16:07
  Kelly: I mean, it's true.
• 16:08
  Kelly: It's almost like, you know, I mean, I, I do my best to be very sensitive, uh, but direct if needed.
• 16:16
  Kelly: Around feeding babies, potty training, sleep, those things are the areas.
• 16:24
  Kelly: That moms are getting tons of advice, and if I can be the calm you're gonna do, okay, your child will go ahead, will end up eating food, They will eat.
• 16:36
  Kelly: You know, I mean, almost every child is gonna end up eating.
• 16:39
  Kelly: They're gonna end up potty trained.
• 16:41
  Kelly: They're gonna end up sleeping most of the time.
• 16:43
  Kelly: So relax, tomorrow's another.
• 16:47
  Kelly: Don't set yourself up.
• 16:48
  Kelly: I see people getting ready to leave town since we're recording this before Christmas.
• 16:52
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 16:53
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 16:53
  Kelly: And they're talking about teaching their babies to sleep at night, which I know is another, you know, issue, but, I'm like, don't, don't start this on
• 17:03
  Cheryl: your road.
• 17:03
  Cheryl: Trip on See the grandparents?
• 17:04
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:05
  Kelly: And you're gonna be staying with your grandparent for your parents for a week or in a hotel for a week, or a condo for a week, and your friends are going with you.
• 17:11
  Kelly: Wait till you get back.
• 17:12
  Kelly: It's okay to put this off.
• 17:14
  Kelly: not forever, but for a better time
• 17:18
  Cheryl: and you know, and I keep coming back to it, but I do see so much pressure and stress, so many parents that are really stressed.
• 17:27
  Cheryl: Oh my God.
• 17:27
  Cheryl: And it's so interesting when you mentioned the moms that feel the stress.
• 17:32
  Cheryl: You said it's eating, sleeping, and pooping.
• 17:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:36
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 17:37
  Cheryl: Those are the things that make up the entire day.
• 17:41
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 17:41
  Cheryl: Of a baby.
• 17:42
  Cheryl: Yes, you're right.
• 17:42
  Cheryl: That's everything.
• 17:43
  Cheryl: Eat sleeping.
• 17:44
  Cheryl: So it's not like something occasional No, like sneezing.
• 17:48
  Cheryl: It's their entire life.
• 17:50
  Cheryl: And I love that you're trying to bring.
• 17:52
  Cheryl: a Mindset, a much bigger picture than
• 17:56
  Kelly: of, of that boring everyday
• 17:58
  Cheryl: which, which is make up their whole life.
• 18:00
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 18:00
  Cheryl: And if you think of the road.
• 18:02
  Cheryl: Trip again uh, like how you can do on a.
• 18:05
  Cheryl: Uh, digital map.
• 18:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:07
  Cheryl: You can pull way out and see.
• 18:09
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 18:09
  Cheryl: We're going all the way across Tennessee and Kentucky.
• 18:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:12
  Cheryl: Or you can come all the way into this specific road.
• 18:15
  Cheryl: This street.
• 18:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:16
  Cheryl: And what you're trying to do is let me pull back and give you some perspective of the long trip rather than losing heart over the tiny little issues.
• 18:28
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:28
  Kelly: And also, not everyone is doing fine.
• 18:32
  Kelly: I mean, most, most people are doing better than they think they are, I feel like.
• 18:35
  Kelly: So in your
• 18:35
  Cheryl: professional opinion,
• 18:36
  Kelly: you feel like that?
• 18:37
  Kelly: I do.
• 18:38
  Kelly: I feel like they're doing better than they are giving themselves credit for.
• 18:41
  Kelly: Because they're comparing themselves to the wrong people or to
• 18:44
  Cheryl: an
• 18:44
  Kelly: ideal that doesn't exist.
• 18:46
  Kelly: Well, I mean, and their kids playing basketball and he can't dunk yet, and he's in the fourth grade.
• 18:50
  Kelly: It's like I don't even think LeBron could dunk in the fourth grade, but, the Pinterest parent, the, the Instagram curated, everything is not reality.
• 19:00
  Kelly: But these parents could give themselves a break.
• 19:03
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah What would you say are the qualities or the tools that we need to bring if if we're gonna put PM into
• 19:11
  Kelly: practice, right?
• 19:12
  Kelly: If we're gonna put premeditation malorum in practice, you need to leave.
• 19:16
  Kelly: Wide margins.
• 19:17
  Kelly: Yes.
• 19:18
  Kelly: And part of those margins are the time it may take to change the flat tire to mm-hmm.
• 19:24
  Kelly: drive back home and pick up the thing you forgot to whatever.
• 19:29
  Kelly: In, again, in this day-to-day grind of getting up, changing diapers, preparing food, cleaning up, uh, changing more diapers and all that kind of thing.
• 19:39
  Kelly: Yes.
• 19:39
  Kelly: Sometimes the mom needs to take time for, he.
• 19:43
  Kelly: before the day starts.
• 19:44
  Kelly: Oh.
• 19:45
  Kelly: Get up an hour or two before the child gets up to have your quiet time to work out to get.
• 19:52
  Kelly: The stuff ready for the day that you need to organize so that when the day starts, it's not a fire hose of water in your face and you have no way to handle it.
• 20:05
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 20:05
  Cheryl: Oh, that's so good.
• 20:06
  Cheryl: We say this at T PPP all the time because we're experienced moms and we've done it both ways.
• 20:12
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:13
  Cheryl: And I love this being prepared for your day, not in a negative way, but a very positive way.
• 20:20
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:21
  Cheryl: So, You are ready when your family gets up, not because you wanna run your day efficiently, right?
• 20:28
  Cheryl: Because you want to love your children.
• 20:30
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 20:30
  Kelly: You don't want the distraction of every day to overwhelm you and to.
• 20:38
  Kelly: Be occupied all day.
• 20:39
  Kelly: I promise you.
• 20:40
  Kelly: When you get a child past the eating, you know, changing diaper mm-hmm.
• 20:45
  Kelly: uh, nap time stuff, then the real stuff that you actually have to use your brain for comes in.
• 20:51
  Kelly: Like, how much time should they spend on a screen?
• 20:54
  Kelly: When should I get'em a phone?
• 20:56
  Kelly: Should they be allowed on social media?
• 20:57
  Kelly: Should they play team sports?
• 20:59
  Kelly: All those things that require.
• 21:02
  Kelly: Thought and decision making, whereas you look back and enjoy like, then you have another baby and you're like, this is so easy.
• 21:10
  Kelly: So parents by the time that you get to your third kid, everyone's perfect and it's the parent.
• 21:16
  Kelly: That got to the point of thinking about the things that mattered.
• 21:20
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 21:20
  Kelly: And hardly it don't sweat the small stuff.
• 21:23
  Kelly: All
• 21:23
  Cheryl: right.
• 21:23
  Cheryl: So Kelly, besides uh, giving yourself margin, what are some of the other tools or ways that a parent could put this into practice?
• 21:33
  Kelly: Well, one thing this is a mindset about either minute to minute.
• 21:39
  Kelly: days.
• 21:39
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 21:39
  Kelly: So that you can plan for your event, for your Christmas holiday, for your family trip, whatever.
• 21:45
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 21:45
  Kelly: Make sure you've got it all and think of the things that could go wrong and try to help mitigate those.
• 21:51
  Kelly: It's also a mindset for life in general, and your child's gonna bring home a bad grade, things like that.
• 21:58
  Kelly: And then when you have thought of the bad things, not all of them happen.
• 22:02
  Kelly: Or maybe they happen and they weren't as bad as you thought they would be.
• 22:06
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 22:06
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 22:06
  Kelly: Then another Latin phrase comes in, and that's a more fati, which means love the fates.
• 22:13
  Kelly: Oh.
• 22:13
  Kelly: So it's basically enjoying life, even when it throws you a curve ball, because you're a little bit, I don't wanna say detached from it, but you're not so.
• 22:26
  Kelly: into it.
• 22:27
  Kelly: Like your mind's not so wrapped up in it that it ruins your day to have something happen.
• 22:33
  Kelly: You were prepared for it.
• 22:34
  Kelly: No.
• 22:35
  Kelly: And when something happened, you're like, I knew this was gonna happen.
• 22:39
  Kelly: And then you're almost like, look at me.
• 22:41
  Kelly: I've, I knew this was gonna happen, and I have the.
• 22:45
  Kelly: Extra battery, or I have my spare
• 22:48
  Cheryl: tire, but also in the Latin there it talked about fate.
• 22:52
  Cheryl: So it's saying this is the way it happens in life.
• 22:55
  Cheryl: But what we say all the time here at the Parenting Podcast is don't take it personally.
• 23:01
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 23:01
  Cheryl: And I think what you're trying to say is, don't take it personally.
• 23:07
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 23:07
  Cheryl: Deal with it as what happens, but don't reflect on their children to take it personally or you as the parent to take it
• 23:14
  Kelly: personally.
• 23:15
  Kelly: Yes.
• 23:15
  Kelly: If we could get to a point where we didn't take very many things personally Yeah.
• 23:22
  Kelly: Um, we would be so much better off.
• 23:25
  Kelly: The trouble is society is moving the other way.
• 23:27
  Kelly: And we talked about the last time I was on mm-hmm.
• 23:30
  Kelly: about the, uh, the Yelp parenting, I mean yes.
• 23:34
  Kelly: The.
• 23:35
  Kelly: Patient satisfaction survey and things.
• 23:37
  Kelly: And if you start looking at those, if you start looking at the things that people say about what you're doing or your children listening to them about critiquing your parenting, I mean, you should make sure you're not making any glaring errors, but don't make it about the survey.
• 23:59
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 24:00
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 24:00
  Kelly: Don't make your life about making.
• 24:03
  Kelly: you know, fives on a survey.
• 24:06
  Kelly: Wow.
• 24:06
  Kelly: And, and that way you can do the right things.
• 24:10
  Kelly: Some days you're gonna make a three and you're gonna be okay.
• 24:13
  Kelly: Mm-hmm.
• 24:14
  Kelly: if you aren't improving over time, if then you start lowering the expectation of a five, so it looks more like a three and you're like, oh, threes are not bad C'S average.
• 24:27
  Cheryl: Well, and the other thing I see that this brings to parenting is one of the big things we care about is.
• 24:35
  Cheryl: laughing in the face of a mess.
• 24:38
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 24:38
  Cheryl: It's one of the best gifts we can give our children is saying, oh my goodness.
• 24:43
  Cheryl: You know, how are we gonna make lemonade out of this?
• 24:46
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 24:46
  Cheryl: Uh, one of the best qualities that my husband Bill had was not taking himself.
• 24:54
  Cheryl: too.
• 24:54
  Cheryl: Seriously.
• 24:54
  Cheryl: Good, good.
• 24:55
  Cheryl: And I can remember you and I were talking earlier about camping trips and so forth, and we loved to camp as a family.
• 25:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: And we did it as rustically as we could, realistically with five children.
• 25:07
  Cheryl: Uh, but I remember one time we had been camping for a whole week.
• 25:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:12
  Cheryl: and we couldn't see anybody else.
• 25:13
  Cheryl: It was a great place.
• 25:15
  Cheryl: And we went on one last walk before we were gonna pack up to leave.
• 25:19
  Cheryl: Squeezing in a little bit more fun.
• 25:21
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 25:21
  Cheryl: And it started raining while we were walking and we looked at each other and went, oh my, that means the tent, everything else is gonna be wet.
• 25:30
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 25:30
  Cheryl: Everything we pack up, it's gonna be a huge mess.
• 25:34
  Cheryl: And he just laughed.
• 25:36
  Cheryl: He made it so much fun for the kids.
• 25:39
  Cheryl: And we finally took the little ones and put'em in the car and they just watched us folding it all up and putting it up.
• 25:45
  Cheryl: And we have pictures.
• 25:45
  Cheryl: The whole car is fogged.
• 25:47
  Cheryl: Because they were hot.
• 25:48
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:48
  Cheryl: And laughing and breathing in there.
• 25:50
  Cheryl: It was a wonderful memory.
• 25:52
  Cheryl: That's just, see, that's what you're talking about, so that's what's in my children's hearts and mind is a delightful time as a family making the most fun mud pies out of, out of the what could be a messy situation right
• 26:07
  Kelly: out of the quote, bad thing that happened when in reality, e especially, Camping and like I think Gary Small's parenting, I think hidden keys to successful parenting or something.
• 26:20
  Kelly: Long ago I listened to it.
• 26:21
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 26:21
  Kelly: And he used camping and he said, even the worst camping trip where your tent washes away is a family treasure of memories.
• 26:30
  Kelly: Memories three weeks later, and, and particularly it takes the three weeks to process
• 26:34
  Cheryl: it sometimes, and particularly if we can bring this kind of an attitude to when things go wrong.
• 26:40
  Cheryl: that when a parent because they have enough margin your children for their lifetime watch Oh yeah.
• 26:46
  Cheryl: And they have the big picture mindset that they're going, okay, how are we gonna deal with this?
• 26:51
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 26:52
  Cheryl: And, uh, I see it building resilience.
• 26:55
  Cheryl: Uh, I see it building a positive attitude, not a negative
• 26:58
  Kelly: attitude.
• 26:58
  Kelly: Well, and.
• 26:59
  Kelly: I, I think sometimes we have to think what is a negative response to this going to help.
• 27:06
  Kelly: You know if Bill had been like, oh my gosh, we've gotta get back really fast, you get here, you hurry up, you quit, doling back there, we're all gonna be all wet.
• 27:15
  Kelly: And it's like, guess what?
• 27:16
  Kelly: We're all gonna be all wet anyway.
• 27:17
  Kelly: We might as well make mud pies.
• 27:20
  Kelly: Exactly, and, and, and make lemonade out of the lemons that we have.
• 27:24
  Kelly: And they're very cliche, but there are so many opportunities in life that that are just in everyday life.
• 27:32
  Kelly: Not a camping trip, but a diaper chain.
• 27:34
  Kelly: Absolutely.
• 27:35
  Kelly: It's like, Ooh, I forgot little boys can pee on you from four feet away, Now I'm gonna have to change clothes or.
• 27:43
  Kelly: You know, or I, I wasn't expecting you to want to eat all of that.
• 27:48
  Kelly: You've never eaten that much.
• 27:49
  Kelly: This is so much fun.
• 27:50
  Kelly: Let me go get
• 27:51
  Cheryl: some more.
• 27:51
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 27:52
  Cheryl: Oh, Look at the joy that that brings to parenting.
• 27:56
  Cheryl: Okay, Kelly.
• 27:58
  Cheryl: So I hear you saying Get enough margin.
• 28:01
  Cheryl: Yes Prepare yourself so you can actually work to enjoy your parenting and your children, Yes and smell those roses as they're growing, Right, right.
• 28:11
  Cheryl: instead of being consumed with pulling all the weeds that you didn't expect.
• 28:17
  Cheryl: And remember those children are watching the movie of us, their entire childhood.
• 28:24
  Cheryl: Yes, you're right.
• 28:25
  Kelly: And So much.
• 28:26
  Kelly: All of parenting is caught versus child.
• 28:29
  Kelly: It sure is.
• 28:30
  Kelly: And we can't.
• 28:33
  Kelly: E yours and expect our kids to grow up and be anything but e yours.
• 28:38
  Kelly: Yep.
• 28:38
  Kelly: But having the sense of humor, which is one of my big things on parenting, and then having the mindset of nothing today will very likely be perfect.
• 28:51
  Kelly: but I'm not gonna let that bother me.
• 28:53
  Kelly: If there are a few things I could do differently to make, yeah, make it less damaging for it not to be perfect, great.
• 28:59
  Kelly: But otherwise, I'm gonna make a point of enjoying What I was given today.
• 29:05
  Kelly: What happened today?
• 29:06
  Kelly: Happened today.
• 29:07
  Kelly: I didn't get to control it all, and thank God I didn't get to control it all because I would've messed it up big time.
• 29:12
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 29:13
  Cheryl: Oh, Kelly, thank you so much because when I've heard you say it before, I didn't have this expanded version of Premeditation.
• 29:20
  Cheryl: Malorum.
• 29:21
  Cheryl: and I really appreciate it because it turns out to be a very positive, uplifting view of things rather than the s.
• 29:31
  Cheryl: Negative feeling.
• 29:31
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 29:32
  Cheryl: Oh, excellent.
• 29:33
  Cheryl: Uh, oh, I've got more questions to ask you, but we have to wrap this up.
• 29:37
  Cheryl: So, um, kind of thinking about maybe next time, let's talk about the gift of failure.
• 29:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 29:43
  Cheryl: You talk about that?
• 29:44
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 29:44
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 29:45
  Cheryl: People ask me questions to ask you all the
• 29:47
  Kelly: time.
• 29:47
  Kelly: Okay.
• 29:47
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 29:48
  Cheryl: So let me act some rapid fires, here we are.
• 29:50
  Cheryl: This is wintertime and we all know that there's more sickness and illness in wintertime.
• 29:56
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 29:57
  Cheryl: What would you recommend to families if you could say, these are the things to help keep your family healthier during the winter?
• 30:04
  Kelly: Um, Enjoy the fact that your child probably will have a lot of runny noses, some, uh, cough for a while, and don't let that bother you a great deal.
• 30:16
  Kelly: Um, low expectations, like again, the runny nose isn't gonna stop.
• 30:21
  Kelly: If somebody could figure out how to make a Clean fuel out of snot.
• 30:26
  Kelly: Snot.
• 30:26
  Kelly: Yes.
• 30:26
  Kelly: Yes.
• 30:27
  Kelly: Parents would be like out there making tons of money.
• 30:30
  Cheryl: gentle laugh C
• 30:32
  Kelly: So, but I mean, I don't know whether it's elderberry, vitamin C, vitamin D, vitamin A, all all the stuff.
• 30:40
  Kelly: Common sense.
• 30:41
  Kelly: Stay away from people that are obviously sick when you can.
• 30:44
  Kelly: Yeah.
• 30:45
  Kelly: and I used to say healthy paranoia.
• 30:48
  Kelly: So if you've got a brand new baby and the kid next door's got snot running out his eyes and nose and he wants to come over and visit or it's your, it's your cousin's kid or whatever, don't let him.
• 31:00
  Kelly: But guess what?
• 31:00
  Kelly: If it's your third kid or further, it's probably one of your kids and your baby's gonna be exposed to it.
• 31:05
  Kelly: So
• 31:06
  Cheryl: just a, a positive spin.
• 31:08
  Cheryl: It actually does develop immune systems.
• 31:10
  Kelly: Yes.
• 31:10
  Kelly: It's like doing exercises for your immune.
• 31:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 31:14
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 31:14
  Kelly: So I had
• 31:15
  Cheryl: someone ask this, why does my little one repeat words all the time?
• 31:21
  Cheryl: And keep asking why.
• 31:23
  Kelly: because they're a child and they're learning, and children don't get bored with hearing themselves say the same things over and over again.
• 31:31
  Kelly: And some of my patients and coworkers would say, I don't get bored hearing myself say the same things over and over again either.
• 31:37
  Kelly: But the kid is learning their rolling it off their tongue.
• 31:41
  Kelly: There is a.
• 31:43
  Kelly: Phrase, I'm not sure it's real, but called semantic satiation, where after you say a word, a a bunch of times that it starts kind of sounding weird and then they'll say it again.
• 31:52
  Kelly: But they're, that's how they learn and they're trying out that, that's their vocabulary word of the day.
• 31:56
  Kelly: It's like, uh, when you watch Sesame Street in the, they had a word for the day or a letter for the
• 32:02
  Cheryl: day.
• 32:02
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 32:02
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 32:03
  Cheryl: Oh, good.
• 32:04
  Cheryl: Kelly is.
• 32:05
  Cheryl: I just wanna thank you so much for taking the time and coming to T ppp and sharing who you are and what you know with our
• 32:12
  Kelly: listeners.
• 32:13
  Kelly: Well, it's my pleasure.
• 32:14
  Kelly: It's always fun.
• 32:16
  Cheryl: So remember parents, hang in there.
• 32:19
  Cheryl: Keep loving.
• 32:19
  Cheryl: Keep persevering because it's
• 32:22
  Kelly: worth it.
• 32:22
  Kelly: Yep, it is.
• 32:24
  Cheryl: Dr.
• 32:25
  Cheryl: Stevens portion of this podcast is for general informational purposes only, and does not constitute the practice of medicine, nursing, or other professional healthcare services, including the giving of medical advice.
• 32:40
  Cheryl: No doctor patient relationship is formed.
• 32:43
  Cheryl: The use of the information from Dr.
• 32:45
  Cheryl: Stevens portion of this podcast is at the user's own risk.
• 32:50
  Cheryl: The content of Dr.
• 32:51
  Cheryl: Stephens portion of this podcast is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
• 33:07
  Well, I told you Dr.
• 33:09
  Stevens was going to be a treat for us.
• 33:12
  Okay.
• 33:13
  So what is one area in your parenting that you maybe have unrealistically high expectations?
• 33:22
  And what is one concrete step you can take to let go of that?
• 33:27
  Would you share it?
• 33:29
  DM us on any social media, text us contact@theparentingpodcast.com or go to our website.
• 33:39
  Remember, like Dr.
• 33:41
  Stevens points out premio.
• 33:45
  Malorum can take pressure, stress, and unfounded disappointment off of you and off your children.
• 33:53
  Don't forget, we drop our episodes every.
• 33:57
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• 34:00
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• 34:03
  Okay?
• 34:04
  Next week we'll be talking about the superpowers of the introverted parent, if you are gonna wanna miss it.
• 34:12
  Thanks for listening into the Parenting podcast today, and I look forward to next time.