Latest / Dear Chelsea / Polyamory & Pronouns with Nico Tortorella & Bethany C. Meyers

Transcript

Polyamory & Pronouns with Nico Tortorella & Bethany C. Meyers · Dear Chelsea

0:00
Speaker 1: Hi everybody. Hello, Hi Catherine, Hi, how are you hi.
0:05
Speaker 1: It's the holiday season. It's upon us. It's in it.
0:08
Speaker 1: We're in it. It's in us, Yes it is. I'm
0:11
Speaker 1: actually recording today from my niece's room. So it's very
0:15
Speaker 1: decorated with waterflies. Well, why don't I see any there's
0:20
Speaker 1: there's some Okay, yeah, it seems like you were exaggerating
0:24
Speaker 1: there for a minute. Doesn't seem that decorated with butterflies
0:28
Speaker 1: and you know, I mean like fluffy things. Yeah, yeah,
0:30
Speaker 1: well that's what nieces are for, right, huh huh. You
0:33
Speaker 1: will never catch me recording this podcast out of my
0:36
Speaker 1: niece's bedroom, So I would like to say thank you
0:39
Speaker 1: in advance for that happening. Okay, So today's guests, we
0:44
Speaker 1: have a couple that is coming. This is a couple
0:47
Speaker 1: who are non binary and polyamorous, and they speak a
0:52
Speaker 1: lot about the relationship. So I thought it would be
0:54
Speaker 1: a great opportunity for us all to get a little
0:56
Speaker 1: bit more edgemicated. Today's guests are Nico torture Rella and
1:00
Speaker 1: Bethany C. Myers. Nico is an actor that you may
1:03
Speaker 1: recognize from the Walking Dead, World Beyond Younger and an
1:07
Speaker 1: upcoming indie drama called The Ma Machine Family. And Bethany
1:12
Speaker 1: is the founder and CEO of the Become Project. You
1:16
Speaker 1: can follow her on Instagram at the b dot c
1:19
Speaker 1: O m E Project, which is a body neutral movement
1:22
Speaker 1: and fitness program. So those are our guest today and
1:26
Speaker 1: I was very very honored to introduce them. Hello, Bethany
1:29
Speaker 1: and Nico, Thank you guys for coming down to this
1:32
Speaker 1: podcast in New York City. No, Lass, Yeah, I'm excited
1:36
Speaker 1: to have you. I've seen a couple of things that
1:38
Speaker 1: you guys have spoken about, and I'm so excited to
1:41
Speaker 1: talk to you about your relationship and your careers. And
1:46
Speaker 1: in this time, I know that you must get sick
1:49
Speaker 1: and tired of having to explain your relationship to people
1:53
Speaker 1: who don't know. But of course it is so beneficial
1:55
Speaker 1: for our listeners to have a better understanding of what
1:58
Speaker 1: polyamory means, of what not identifying with a certain gender means,
2:02
Speaker 1: you know. So I know that you probably feel like
2:04
Speaker 1: an educative onus on your back, but I mean it's
2:07
Speaker 1: it's great that you're willing to talk about it and
2:09
Speaker 1: kind of let people understand have a better understanding of
2:13
Speaker 1: what that means. So let's talk. First of all, I
2:15
Speaker 1: know you just changed your pronouns. Right, you identify as
2:18
Speaker 1: they them, and you recently changed it to her right
2:21
Speaker 1: they she they she? Okay, sorry, they she? And why
2:25
Speaker 1: did you change that? Yeah? So originally I always us
2:28
Speaker 1: she her pronouns. You know, hadn't really known anything else
2:30
Speaker 1: than like, several years ago, I started using they them pronouns.
2:34
Speaker 1: Really liked the way that it felt. And I feel
2:39
Speaker 1: like this switch to they she is for many different reasons.
2:43
Speaker 1: I think in part, I was kind of tired of
2:46
Speaker 1: educating people, and I think in my work that I do,
2:50
Speaker 1: I really liked allow people a space to be able
2:53
Speaker 1: to have conversation and have nuanced conversation and get things
2:56
Speaker 1: wrong without feeling really bad about it. And it starts
3:00
Speaker 1: to feel like, you know, maybe somebody would use a
3:02
Speaker 1: she her pronoun and then they would oh my god,
3:04
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. And then I think
3:06
Speaker 1: also for me, that felt really right. And I think
3:11
Speaker 1: like for both NKO and I are, a relationship with
3:15
Speaker 1: gender is so fluid, and in being fluid, it changes, right,
3:20
Speaker 1: and so it kind of shifted for me. And I'm
3:22
Speaker 1: sure we'll talk more about this later but we've been
3:24
Speaker 1: trying to start a family. I've been trying to get pregnant.
3:28
Speaker 1: It has been of a fucking annoying year. There's so
3:31
Speaker 1: much that I learned that I feel like I should
3:33
Speaker 1: have already known. We've been having a hard time, and
3:36
Speaker 1: there's something that is like really connecting me very specifically
3:41
Speaker 1: to the biology of my body, right and like uterus,
3:46
Speaker 1: and like there's a piece of kind of maybe I
3:48
Speaker 1: don't know if it's getting more in touch with that
3:51
Speaker 1: or or connecting with that side that has allowed she
3:55
Speaker 1: her pronouns to also feel good along with Favan pronouns.
3:59
Speaker 1: We're definitely a house of all pronouns are welcome at
4:02
Speaker 1: this point. I think language fails us across the board.
4:05
Speaker 1: You know, well, I think people are drawn to it.
4:07
Speaker 1: You were saying you were drawn to the pronouns without
4:09
Speaker 1: using he or she to sexual identification, right as a
4:13
Speaker 1: man or a woman born with those genes, right, you
4:16
Speaker 1: You were drawn to saying they or them for what reason? Well,
4:20
Speaker 1: I think like they them pronouns allowed me to feel
4:23
Speaker 1: like I was working outside of a box. And I
4:25
Speaker 1: actually feel this way a lot about really gendering things,
4:29
Speaker 1: So like going outside of the Queer Conversation. I think
4:32
Speaker 1: that the emphasis that society places on gender really puts
4:35
Speaker 1: people into a very specific box. So, like when you
4:38
Speaker 1: look at kids, like young girls, if they're girls, they
4:41
Speaker 1: need to like these things, they need to be a
4:43
Speaker 1: certain way. They can't be assertive, they can't be bossy, right,
4:46
Speaker 1: young boys, if they're a boy, then they can't be sensitive,
4:50
Speaker 1: they can't cry, they can't wear peeing great, and we
4:53
Speaker 1: like box people into these gender stereotypes. And personally, I
4:58
Speaker 1: think that if we had less focus on gender, I
5:01
Speaker 1: just think everything would be a little bit better in
5:03
Speaker 1: a lot of ways. Well, it would certainly be better
5:06
Speaker 1: for a lot of women, you know what I mean.
5:08
Speaker 1: The reasoning behind a lot of that for women is
5:10
Speaker 1: to not be identified as a woman in the workplace
5:13
Speaker 1: because of the negative connotations that has and the ostracization
5:18
Speaker 1: that that can come with, you know, and they're not
5:20
Speaker 1: getting hired for a job. So it totally makes sense,
5:24
Speaker 1: you know, if you're following that line of thinking, to
5:27
Speaker 1: not have the disadvantage of being a woman, which in
5:31
Speaker 1: so many instances more so than not, is a disadvantage. Yes,
5:35
Speaker 1: And I would also say that for men, I think
5:38
Speaker 1: it can be really beneficial as well in this sense
5:40
Speaker 1: of like, you know, if you want to boil it
5:42
Speaker 1: down like toxic masculinity, right or I think that that
5:46
Speaker 1: kind of helps strip it down and to be like, no,
5:49
Speaker 1: you can be sensitive and you can be sweet, and
5:51
Speaker 1: you can cry when you scrape your knee and that's okay,
5:54
Speaker 1: you know. So, I think for me, like they then pronounced,
5:58
Speaker 1: felt like it opened up a lot of doors to
6:01
Speaker 1: be able to dress in the way that I wanted,
6:04
Speaker 1: or grow out body hair if I wanted to grow
6:07
Speaker 1: body hair. Just kind of levels the playing field, right,
6:09
Speaker 1: it's all encompassing. The reason we decided to start using
6:13
Speaker 1: the then pronouns wasn't even limited to just our gender.
6:16
Speaker 1: It's kind of this idea of all of it in
6:18
Speaker 1: the universe is you. And if I can encompass all
6:22
Speaker 1: of that and just with one word, they them a pronoun.
6:27
Speaker 1: But we're not ready to have that conversation on a
6:29
Speaker 1: global level, like we're still having the black and white conversation,
6:32
Speaker 1: the gender conversation. Like I feel like we have always
6:36
Speaker 1: to go to really start understanding internalized identity, right, Yeah,
6:41
Speaker 1: internalized identity and the idea of togetherness and of humanity
6:44
Speaker 1: and that we're all here together, because that is the
6:47
Speaker 1: overarching idea I think behind a lot of it. Also,
6:51
Speaker 1: this inception of this conversation has just begne really and
6:54
Speaker 1: it has a long runway. But I think the idea
6:56
Speaker 1: of reminding people instead of you know, why are we
6:59
Speaker 1: identifying saying that that person they're black, they're white, that's
7:02
Speaker 1: a girl, that's a boy. Right when you think about
7:04
Speaker 1: it in the grander scheme of things, not as a
7:06
Speaker 1: personal affront to a person, you know, or a way
7:10
Speaker 1: of separating people, and you think, oh, you want to
7:12
Speaker 1: remind yourself about humanity, togetherness, this is all of us,
7:15
Speaker 1: we're all together, instead of the zero sum game that
7:18
Speaker 1: we've come to understand. This country, especially right now, is
7:22
Speaker 1: very much zero sum game. First of all, how did
7:25
Speaker 1: you guys get together? How did you meet? Fifteen years ago?
7:28
Speaker 1: Playing beer pong? Real? What college? We went to Columbia
7:32
Speaker 1: College in Chicago. It was two days after I moved
7:35
Speaker 1: out to my parents house. We met, and I had
7:38
Speaker 1: just left Missouri. So I'm a couple of years older
7:41
Speaker 1: than Nico. So I was a junior going in and
7:43
Speaker 1: Nico as a freshman and we met playing beer pong.
7:48
Speaker 1: Nico is very enthralled with me. I was kind of
7:51
Speaker 1: like whatever. But we lived in our dorm. We lived
7:53
Speaker 1: like five floors away from one another, and it was
7:57
Speaker 1: like a very magical lightning a start, very much lightning bolt,
8:02
Speaker 1: Like I was so enthralled with, like who this human was.
8:06
Speaker 1: I was raised super conservative, super religious, very little small
8:10
Speaker 1: town like always wanted to get out, but had never
8:13
Speaker 1: seen any of the world, Like, had never been to
8:15
Speaker 1: a big city. Right, Chicago is like the biggest city
8:17
Speaker 1: I had ever seen. Now I go back to Chicago
8:19
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, this is cute, you know. And
8:23
Speaker 1: Nico was like this force that came in and just
8:25
Speaker 1: challenged so many of my ideas and my thoughts. And
8:29
Speaker 1: I had never really met someone that grew up as
8:31
Speaker 1: religiously as Bethany had. One of the first conversations that
8:35
Speaker 1: we had was around evolution and creationism, and day one
8:39
Speaker 1: Bethany looked at me was like, you believe in evolution?
8:43
Speaker 1: Like that was like the craziest thing in the world
8:45
Speaker 1: that I could possibly believe in. And it wasn't this
8:49
Speaker 1: immediate challenge, but it was just like, oh wow, there's
8:51
Speaker 1: like so much that we can learn from each other.
8:55
Speaker 1: That's just like jump in. Yeah, that's sweet, and who
8:58
Speaker 1: made the first move? Bliddy because you had a boyfriend too,
9:04
Speaker 1: you were like proud, looks like you were leaving Missouri
9:07
Speaker 1: and yeah, like that ship. Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
9:11
Speaker 1: I had a boyfriend and had like a couple of
9:13
Speaker 1: weeks and I was like, what am I doing? Called
9:16
Speaker 1: my boyfriend one night it was like we got a
9:18
Speaker 1: break up when to a party, got drunk, came back
9:20
Speaker 1: and was like pounding on Nico's door. I was convinced
9:22
Speaker 1: there was a homeless person at my friend door at
9:24
Speaker 1: four o'clock in the morning, just like on the door. Yeah.
9:29
Speaker 1: And then we had sex and then our should say anything, yeah,
9:34
Speaker 1: and then our relationship really it's it's interesting. I think
9:37
Speaker 1: like our relationship in a weird way has kind of
9:40
Speaker 1: always been polly and it's always been unique. Like there
9:42
Speaker 1: was never really a time where we were strictly like
9:45
Speaker 1: and we're boyfriend and girlfriend. You know. We had a
9:48
Speaker 1: time when we were just like sleeping together in Chicago,
9:51
Speaker 1: and then we kind of started moving to different cities
9:53
Speaker 1: and Nico would go away for work and we were
9:55
Speaker 1: when we were in the same city. We would live
9:57
Speaker 1: together and we never like had a breakup conversation, but
10:00
Speaker 1: we left each other many times, spent plenty of time
10:03
Speaker 1: with other people while still staying connected, and then just
10:07
Speaker 1: like our paths kept finding each other and crossing, and
10:11
Speaker 1: ultimately we decided to get married. But before we got married,
10:15
Speaker 1: we weren't really even dating. We were now living together.
10:17
Speaker 1: Weren't living together real we got married. We were living
10:21
Speaker 1: I was in Brooklyn, you were in the city. We
10:23
Speaker 1: actually went to the jungle and uh, did I was?
10:26
Speaker 1: I was just gonna say, and that sentence goes We
10:29
Speaker 1: went to the jungle and its followed by and did
10:31
Speaker 1: I Actually every time I tell someone I did iowaka?
10:35
Speaker 1: Have you watched the Chelsea? Like? It is like like
10:39
Speaker 1: you are now synonymous with that conversation. Another notch on
10:43
Speaker 1: my bed post. So we went to the jungle and
10:46
Speaker 1: did awashka. In our journey there was like very much this,
10:50
Speaker 1: like you too have been rooted together for lifetimes. You
10:55
Speaker 1: are supposed to start a family. Some crazy ship went
10:58
Speaker 1: down and our first jury me. We walked out of
11:01
Speaker 1: the jungle and let to each other. We're like, okay,
11:02
Speaker 1: so we're getting married. Yeah, we were married later. I
11:05
Speaker 1: had gone to the jungle the year prior, right when
11:08
Speaker 1: Trump got elected. I decided like that day, got on
11:11
Speaker 1: my phone booked a retreat, went for a week and
11:14
Speaker 1: a half. Knew that I wanted to bring Bethany. The
11:16
Speaker 1: following year we went in one of our journeys. I
11:20
Speaker 1: kind of saw us both as these two massive trees,
11:25
Speaker 1: separate trees, roots connected underground, and there would be all
11:30
Speaker 1: of these animals and bugs and creatures that would come
11:33
Speaker 1: and spend time on these trees, and they could, you know,
11:35
Speaker 1: live there for extended periods of time. Leave. But at
11:39
Speaker 1: that our base, at our foundation, we were always together
11:42
Speaker 1: and that's kind of been this symbol for our relationship
11:46
Speaker 1: ever since. Yeah, trees are a beautiful symbol of anything
11:49
Speaker 1: right on the subject of polyamory, because that's something else
11:53
Speaker 1: I would like to set the record straight with for
11:55
Speaker 1: my audience to understand what that means, because people are
11:59
Speaker 1: very or a judge about that that subject matter, as
12:02
Speaker 1: you well know. So take us through that. Talk to
12:06
Speaker 1: us about what it means to you and what it
12:07
Speaker 1: means to you guys individually and as a couple. Yeah,
12:10
Speaker 1: I mean, I think we're still figuring it out you know,
12:12
Speaker 1: I think it's important to note that we don't claim
12:14
Speaker 1: expertise in any of these fields. Right, We're curious folks,
12:18
Speaker 1: just like I'm not a doctor, you guys, Yet everyone
12:23
Speaker 1: out there always wants you to be the expert whatever
12:25
Speaker 1: you're talking about. Yeah, that's not something we like to claim.
12:28
Speaker 1: And also, I think it's important to note that, like
12:31
Speaker 1: polyamory or open relationships, non monogamy like exists different for
12:36
Speaker 1: all different people. But we date other people, you know.
12:39
Speaker 1: I mean, we've been married for four years, we've been
12:41
Speaker 1: dating other people for fifteen years. We have emotional space.
12:45
Speaker 1: It's beyond the physical. We're not just out here just
12:47
Speaker 1: like sleeping with people on a regular basis. We both
12:50
Speaker 1: hold space for real relationships with other people, and it's
12:56
Speaker 1: something that we know that we will always do for
12:58
Speaker 1: the rest of our lives, even if it's not in action.
13:01
Speaker 1: Our polyamory is more of like a state of mind
13:05
Speaker 1: rather than a state of being. That makes sense. We
13:09
Speaker 1: just have a lot of love and we want to share.
13:12
Speaker 1: How does this delineate itself or is there a delineation
13:15
Speaker 1: between an open relationship and a polyamorous relationship? In your opinion,
13:19
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people would say yes. I
13:21
Speaker 1: think most people think of open relationships as just sex
13:25
Speaker 1: and polyamory is like actual relationships. I personally just like
13:30
Speaker 1: the word open relationship more like we don't really subscribe
13:34
Speaker 1: to that, But I would say that's how most people
13:35
Speaker 1: would perceive those two pieces. And did you guys or
13:40
Speaker 1: do you guys, have you had to lay ground rules
13:44
Speaker 1: or and can you talk to us about that a
13:45
Speaker 1: little bit? Yeah, I mean there were a set of
13:49
Speaker 1: rules when we first got married, I mean even just
13:51
Speaker 1: living in two separate households, like deciding we were going
13:53
Speaker 1: to get married first. I think it's important to note that,
13:55
Speaker 1: like we were both dating other people when we decided
13:58
Speaker 1: to get married, and every relationship that we had had
14:03
Speaker 1: outside of this primary wasn't even our primary relationship. And
14:06
Speaker 1: we're best friends, right, every relationship that we had had
14:09
Speaker 1: like there was always something getting in the way. No
14:12
Speaker 1: one really understood what we meant to each other. Like
14:15
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, Bethany was always my
14:18
Speaker 1: emergency contact on any piece of paperwork, even if I
14:21
Speaker 1: was in a serious multi year relationship with somebody else.
14:24
Speaker 1: And like, that's really hard, Like I get it, that's
14:26
Speaker 1: not an easy thing for someone to wrap their head around.
14:29
Speaker 1: So we kind of decided to get married as as
14:32
Speaker 1: not the only reason, but we thought it would make
14:35
Speaker 1: it easier dating other people as putting this this like
14:39
Speaker 1: title on this is primary relationship and this is the
14:42
Speaker 1: space that we have for other people in our lives.
14:45
Speaker 1: There were a set of ground rules, but I think
14:47
Speaker 1: they change, you know, over this this last year as
14:50
Speaker 1: we've been trying to to make a baby. You know,
14:54
Speaker 1: it's like the priorities have shifted and where we are
14:58
Speaker 1: right this second, all of our energy is being focused
15:01
Speaker 1: on trying to create life at a time when life
15:04
Speaker 1: seems the most fragile, you know. So the rules are
15:07
Speaker 1: flex for us right now, and it's just like based
15:10
Speaker 1: in honesty and communication. And also when you have a child,
15:13
Speaker 1: there will still be inflex I mean you're going to
15:15
Speaker 1: have to figure out how you want to go about that,
15:17
Speaker 1: right how Yeah, I want to understand. I think it
15:20
Speaker 1: takes it very special individual to have enough bandwidth to
15:25
Speaker 1: not only admit this like that they're interested in in
15:29
Speaker 1: pursuing a relationship with these kinds of understandings, but also
15:34
Speaker 1: to be okay with the other person, right you know,
15:37
Speaker 1: there are so many jealousy issues between couples and insecurity issues.
15:41
Speaker 1: So what do you attribute your self assuredness to even
15:44
Speaker 1: come to a point like this, you know, where you
15:46
Speaker 1: can be confident in your relationship and your trust with
15:49
Speaker 1: each other while also exploring other relationships that you both desire.
15:53
Speaker 1: I mean, I think jealousy. Jealousy certainly something that I
15:56
Speaker 1: struggle with. I also have, like you know, I mean,
15:59
Speaker 1: if we're going to go like terms, I have some
16:00
Speaker 1: abandonment issues in my past. I had a dad that
16:03
Speaker 1: died young. Usually people that have abandonment issues, jealousy is
16:06
Speaker 1: like kind of high for them, right, It's hard. So
16:09
Speaker 1: that's definitely something that takes working through. I think that
16:14
Speaker 1: polyamory for Nico and I really saved our relationship in
16:18
Speaker 1: a lot of ways. And previously we would just kind
16:22
Speaker 1: of you know, over this course of fifteen years and
16:25
Speaker 1: the course of us drinking party, like you know, growing
16:28
Speaker 1: up in our twine, like all the stuff that happens
16:29
Speaker 1: to discovering that we were queer, and like it's simultaneously
16:32
Speaker 1: at the same time, like growing up together. Right, there
16:34
Speaker 1: was a lot of figure and shipped out and we
16:37
Speaker 1: did a lot of just cheating on each other. You know,
16:39
Speaker 1: we would like cheat on each other. We would end
16:41
Speaker 1: up telling the other person, or the other person would
16:43
Speaker 1: find out. We realized I don't really care that much. Okay,
16:47
Speaker 1: you cheated on me. Yeah you know what. I actually
16:49
Speaker 1: cheated on you a couple of weekends ago. Okay, we're
16:51
Speaker 1: gonna move forward, all right, sure, like, let's get over this,
16:53
Speaker 1: let's move on. We were like supposed to feel angry
16:57
Speaker 1: about it, right, but neither one of us ever really
17:00
Speaker 1: term cheating is just so right, Like that's one word
17:02
Speaker 1: we have for what you're doing in this society. I
17:05
Speaker 1: would argue, like you say, we don't have enough language, right,
17:07
Speaker 1: I argue, we have too much language. But it depends
17:10
Speaker 1: what language you're talking about. In English, you know, we
17:12
Speaker 1: have eighty five words for so many things, and yet
17:15
Speaker 1: when you cheat, there's one word for it, you know,
17:17
Speaker 1: or being unfaithful I suppose as another or an affair.
17:20
Speaker 1: But it's a limited vocabulary and right, and so terms
17:23
Speaker 1: like polyamory are are opening up the dialogue to understand,
17:27
Speaker 1: to have a better understanding, but there's not more than
17:29
Speaker 1: one word for that, you know. So sometimes your point
17:31
Speaker 1: is true, like there are limited words to describe something,
17:34
Speaker 1: because there is a black and white definition of things,
17:37
Speaker 1: whereas what we're all learning, or people who are really
17:39
Speaker 1: interested in deep diving are learning, and people who are
17:42
Speaker 1: spiritual are learning that it's it's all a bunch of gray.
17:45
Speaker 1: Nobody's right, nobody's wrong. It's what your desires are, your
17:48
Speaker 1: honesty level, you know, Like the communication has got to
17:51
Speaker 1: be the most integral part of your relationship, right, and
17:54
Speaker 1: it's not fixed, right, it's like allowed to bend and shift,
17:58
Speaker 1: and a line that we've always kind of used, like
18:01
Speaker 1: it's it's hard to break something that bends, you know,
18:04
Speaker 1: and we've always just we were benders, you know. I
18:11
Speaker 1: think in this time where we were, you know, cheating
18:13
Speaker 1: or kind of hurting each other polyamory, like this idea,
18:18
Speaker 1: it was like it saved us. I mean, it really
18:22
Speaker 1: made it almost it made it more ethical. It opened
18:25
Speaker 1: up communication and opened up a space to talk about
18:28
Speaker 1: what we really wanted, what we needed. So I think
18:31
Speaker 1: being able to define our relationship with us in our
18:34
Speaker 1: marriage really took us to a different place in a
18:37
Speaker 1: really healthy and positive way. I mean, I just think
18:41
Speaker 1: our vocabulary and understanding of the world was very limited, right,
18:46
Speaker 1: when we first started dating each other, and the more
18:51
Speaker 1: we learned about ourselves and our queerness, we gained just
18:58
Speaker 1: more language for who we are and we're in the world.
19:02
Speaker 1: And I think over the last couple of years, as
19:04
Speaker 1: the world has kind of like falling apart and getting
19:07
Speaker 1: put back together, like even that language is continuing to change,
19:12
Speaker 1: and we're just like trying to stay with the times
19:16
Speaker 1: on a public level and also like on a private level.
19:20
Speaker 1: And do you feel, to both of you feel, since
19:23
Speaker 1: you are public and out about this, and since it's
19:25
Speaker 1: a subject matter that is still considered taboo to an extent,
19:28
Speaker 1: do you feel the burden of having to kind of
19:32
Speaker 1: be out there and like front and center talking about it,
19:35
Speaker 1: do you feel a responseless sense of responsibility? I do,
19:38
Speaker 1: and I hate it. I mean, I am constantly battling
19:41
Speaker 1: how public versus how private do I want to be
19:43
Speaker 1: with my life. I think that you have an easier
19:46
Speaker 1: time with it. But for me, like I'm a people pleaser,
19:49
Speaker 1: I don't love negative you know, negative critiques, Like that's
19:52
Speaker 1: something I definitely have to work on. And you know,
19:54
Speaker 1: people have a lot to say. Is We've been trying
19:56
Speaker 1: to start a family and I have been somewhat vull
20:00
Speaker 1: gool about that. You know, you get comments from people
20:03
Speaker 1: that are like, you two shouldn't have a family, you know,
20:05
Speaker 1: and it shouldn't hurt, but it does. And so I
20:09
Speaker 1: think that I'm constantly battling where do I straddle this line,
20:13
Speaker 1: and like how much do I want to talk about it?
20:15
Speaker 1: How much do I want to go into it, and
20:16
Speaker 1: how much do we just want to keep to ourselves. Yeah, yeah,
20:19
Speaker 1: I think that's I think a lot of people struggle
20:21
Speaker 1: with that regardless. Right, So you add something else to
20:23
Speaker 1: the mix, another conversation starter and you know, thought provoking
20:28
Speaker 1: term and way of life, and then it adds you know,
20:31
Speaker 1: that adds another tenfold to the mix of how private
20:34
Speaker 1: or social anyone in the public eye is. I feel
20:37
Speaker 1: like as we sit on this podcast, which as we
20:40
Speaker 1: for our one five million listeners, I don't know, guys,
20:44
Speaker 1: I think I just want to keep it private. So
20:48
Speaker 1: this is a good time to come out as a
20:49
Speaker 1: private couple. So much part of your job how you
20:54
Speaker 1: speak to yourself. I mean that's like kind of what
20:57
Speaker 1: you do in the world. Yes, absolutely, it's so I
21:00
Speaker 1: have a workout that become project all centered around body neutrality,
21:05
Speaker 1: movement to feel good, and a lot of it is
21:07
Speaker 1: how we talk about ourselves, how we talk about our
21:09
Speaker 1: body um, and how we get to a more neutral
21:14
Speaker 1: ground within ourselves. And I think that's something as both
21:18
Speaker 1: of us being extremist, right, having this pendulum that swings
21:21
Speaker 1: from one end all the way to the other and
21:24
Speaker 1: has to go big. It's like, with everything, how do
21:27
Speaker 1: we get that to kind of it's always going to move,
21:30
Speaker 1: but how do we get that pendulum to sort of
21:31
Speaker 1: sit a little bit more in the middle and be
21:34
Speaker 1: able to feel neutral about something. Empathy, you know, for
21:39
Speaker 1: the whole spectrum, no matter which one we're speaking to,
21:43
Speaker 1: you know, yeah, absolutely, instead of judging other people that
21:46
Speaker 1: are doing something differently than you, to empathize and have
21:49
Speaker 1: compassion that that's another human being that's making different choices.
21:53
Speaker 1: And the judgment factor comes in so hot and heavy
21:55
Speaker 1: for so many people, myself included, for so long, you know,
21:58
Speaker 1: so judging and it's like you're sitting there and you
22:01
Speaker 1: hate people who are judging, and then you the reason
22:03
Speaker 1: you hate that so much is because you're practicing it yourself.
22:06
Speaker 1: But anyway, this is a perfect opportunity. We have a
22:08
Speaker 1: lot of people that call in about this subject matter.
22:10
Speaker 1: So we're going to take some callers and we're gonna
22:13
Speaker 1: give them some feedback about their own situations and answer
22:16
Speaker 1: some questions for some people. Right, Catherine, we love a question,
22:19
Speaker 1: We sure will, and we're gonna take a quick break,
22:23
Speaker 1: but we'll be back with callers. So our first email
22:31
Speaker 1: comes from Ryan. This dovetails perfectly with what you guys
22:34
Speaker 1: were talking about with an open relationship. Ryan says, Dear Chelsea,
22:39
Speaker 1: my husband and I are two gay men in our
22:41
Speaker 1: thirties together almost ten years, and we have newly opened
22:44
Speaker 1: our relationship quick background. This has been a stated goal
22:48
Speaker 1: of his for years, but I was hesitant. There was
22:51
Speaker 1: a history of infidelity on his part that we moved
22:53
Speaker 1: past with counseling. Now we're in a good place and
22:56
Speaker 1: we made the decision to allow each other sex with
22:58
Speaker 1: other people. I'm over happy about this, but I'm struggling
23:01
Speaker 1: with the specifics since it's still new. We have set
23:05
Speaker 1: rules and boundaries, but I'm still deciding what would be
23:08
Speaker 1: a deal breaker. My question is, how do I know
23:11
Speaker 1: if he'll respect my wishes or if it's the boundary
23:14
Speaker 1: stepping aspect that he really likes if the latter, the
23:17
Speaker 1: rules we set can always be broken. Second, how do
23:20
Speaker 1: I handle hypocritical thoughts I can do something I don't
23:24
Speaker 1: want him to do? And Third, we have a couple's
23:27
Speaker 1: therapist we still see, but she's not as up to
23:30
Speaker 1: date on non monogamous relationship structures. Should we switch? Sincerely? Ryan? Well,
23:35
Speaker 1: I'll jump in first just to say yes, you should
23:38
Speaker 1: switch therapists. You need somebody who is familiar with this
23:41
Speaker 1: conversation topic and not somebody who's getting to know this.
23:45
Speaker 1: So many people are so far behind this that you
23:47
Speaker 1: need somebody. You need that tool, like you're already seeing
23:50
Speaker 1: somebody put it towards somebody who is well versed in
23:53
Speaker 1: the subject matter, and that can only help you to accomplish,
23:56
Speaker 1: you know, a state of being that you're both really
23:58
Speaker 1: comfortable in. Wy, don't you guys jump in with what
24:01
Speaker 1: you think off the top of your heads. Well, I
24:03
Speaker 1: was just going to say this idea of what is
24:06
Speaker 1: a deal breaker? Right, Like I think that's kind of
24:10
Speaker 1: a scary way to think about it. Like if you
24:12
Speaker 1: draw such a hard line in the sand, and like
24:15
Speaker 1: he's going to cross that line, it's game over, right,
24:18
Speaker 1: you're just putting your both of yourselves in a box
24:20
Speaker 1: and setting yourself up failure. So I wouldn't think about
24:23
Speaker 1: it necessarily like that. I would just try to be
24:26
Speaker 1: as honest and open with each other about your desires
24:30
Speaker 1: and keep everything on the table, Like if you're going
24:32
Speaker 1: into this, it takes work. This is not something that
24:35
Speaker 1: you can just do willy nilly and like hope it works. Right,
24:38
Speaker 1: Like this is commitment, right, and like you will get
24:42
Speaker 1: closer because of it. You have to be I agree
24:44
Speaker 1: with everything that you said. And also when you were
24:48
Speaker 1: speaking about I can do something that he can't do
24:51
Speaker 1: something right, and I think it's important to note, like
24:54
Speaker 1: you all don't have to experience it the same. You
24:57
Speaker 1: don't have to have like maybe they're are things that
25:00
Speaker 1: I can do that Nico doesn't care, but I care
25:04
Speaker 1: if Nico does them, you know, And we're really honest
25:07
Speaker 1: about that, And I think that that's okay, Like it
25:10
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be even because you're both individuals, so
25:14
Speaker 1: what works for each of you may be different, and
25:16
Speaker 1: that's okay, and that should also be respected. You have
25:19
Speaker 1: to make different sacrifices for each other, right, because we're
25:22
Speaker 1: different people, right, And you also want to set yourself
25:24
Speaker 1: up for success. So before you go into this, you
25:27
Speaker 1: want to create all of those boundaries that are acceptable
25:29
Speaker 1: for both of you so that you can find an
25:31
Speaker 1: area where you both agree and how you're going to operate.
25:34
Speaker 1: Because if you're saying, oh, if he does whatever, the
25:37
Speaker 1: unthinkable so to speak, there's no turning back, Like Nico
25:40
Speaker 1: was saying, like, you have to set this up so
25:42
Speaker 1: that you're both going to come back together no matter what.
25:44
Speaker 1: So nobody ever is going to do the unthinkable or
25:47
Speaker 1: the unspeakable. And I think as you start to have
25:49
Speaker 1: these conversations, you understand, you know, sometimes what we think
25:53
Speaker 1: is unacceptable is our idea of that. It's not the
25:56
Speaker 1: actual reality of that. And you may not even you know,
25:59
Speaker 1: want to part anticipate, or he may not even want
26:01
Speaker 1: to participate in the way that you're so worried about,
26:04
Speaker 1: you know, with another partner, or but you laying it
26:06
Speaker 1: all on the table is only going to help your communication,
26:09
Speaker 1: it's only going to bring you closer together, it's only
26:11
Speaker 1: going to create more intimacy. So it's a huge growth opportunity. Again,
26:15
Speaker 1: it's a huge opportunity to learn about respecting your partner
26:19
Speaker 1: and about respecting yourself right, and I think, like, you know,
26:23
Speaker 1: going off of that, the idea of really staying in
26:25
Speaker 1: the present, Like you can write things down on paper,
26:27
Speaker 1: you can have ideas of what it should be, but
26:30
Speaker 1: the other partner that your partner is engaging with, I
26:33
Speaker 1: think oftentimes can change the way it feels. And it's
26:35
Speaker 1: so situational. You know, there's ryan you mentioned that there
26:39
Speaker 1: was like some infidelity in the past, so there are
26:42
Speaker 1: probably very certain things that can really trigger you and
26:46
Speaker 1: like set you off because that's you know, that trauma
26:48
Speaker 1: is being touched on. But letting it happen in the
26:52
Speaker 1: present and like assessing each situation and determining how it
26:55
Speaker 1: makes you feel in talking about it, I think can
26:57
Speaker 1: be helpful than sort of getting stuck on on these
27:00
Speaker 1: hard fast rules. Yeah, and the past, and that's you know,
27:03
Speaker 1: getting stuck on the past is also you're not operating
27:06
Speaker 1: in the best interest of yourself because what was infidelity
27:10
Speaker 1: before may not under these parameters register as infidelity. So
27:15
Speaker 1: you're opening your your broadening your horizons, You're becoming more
27:18
Speaker 1: open minded about this relationship, and with that your partner
27:22
Speaker 1: will likely do the same. So I hope that helps
27:26
Speaker 1: I think we answered a couple of his questions with
27:28
Speaker 1: some advice from all of us, right, good luck? Yeah, yeah,
27:31
Speaker 1: and Ryan follow up with us, let us know what happens,
27:34
Speaker 1: what transpires, you know, YadA YadA, YadA, Yeah and good luck.
27:39
Speaker 1: What was the book that you reference when we had
27:41
Speaker 1: that call? Oh? Sure, The Ethical Slut was one that
27:44
Speaker 1: I recommended. Kind of just tells you how to have
27:47
Speaker 1: those conversations and ad just expectations. And the other thing
27:50
Speaker 1: is like, it sounds like he's not going to be
27:52
Speaker 1: in the room while these acts transpires. So I think
27:55
Speaker 1: it's really a trust builder to be venturing into this
27:58
Speaker 1: and have some threesomes and some trustful have a trustful
28:02
Speaker 1: do you guys have a trust fall and then follow
28:05
Speaker 1: it up with a three something at the same time.
28:07
Speaker 1: This kind of looks this camera looks like we're having
28:09
Speaker 1: a three somewhere. I got kicked to the end of
28:11
Speaker 1: the bed. Do you see like I'm just over here
28:13
Speaker 1: just out. Do you want to scooch a little bit?
28:17
Speaker 1: This studio is at one hot, so we're doing the
28:20
Speaker 1: best that we can. Uh. Well, Our next question comes
28:26
Speaker 1: from a very sweet collar with my new favorite name.
28:28
Speaker 1: His name is Brandon Cantelope. He's from Canada. I know, like,
28:33
Speaker 1: how charming is that? And he's a Sweetie'll see, he's
28:35
Speaker 1: twenty one, he is in Canada and he just graduated.
28:40
Speaker 1: He wants to be work working in fashion, fashion business,
28:42
Speaker 1: so he says, Dear Chelsea, I'm twenty one years old
28:46
Speaker 1: from Canada and I'm currently feeling very unfulfilled in life.
28:50
Speaker 1: I grew up in a small city in b C's interior.
28:53
Speaker 1: I decided after graduating high school, i'd moved to Vancouver
28:56
Speaker 1: for post secondary. I have since graduated school and moved
28:59
Speaker 1: back to my hometown. The move back was because I
29:02
Speaker 1: decided Vancouver wasn't a perfect fit for me. However, there's
29:05
Speaker 1: nowhere in Canada that I feel is. After a trip
29:09
Speaker 1: to the UK a month ago, I decided London would
29:11
Speaker 1: be a perfect match for both my personality and my career. However,
29:15
Speaker 1: I'm having a hard time deciding whether I move that
29:18
Speaker 1: big is really worth it and if it would truly
29:20
Speaker 1: make me happy. On top of this, I feel as
29:23
Speaker 1: though I would miss my family and friends incredibly. Brandon,
29:26
Speaker 1: Oh well, Brandon, I'm just going to go out and
29:28
Speaker 1: say go for it. Oh you're there, You're even better.
29:34
Speaker 1: Look at you. I didn't know cancel Up was a
29:36
Speaker 1: real last name. Yeah, I know, I was telling me
29:38
Speaker 1: about him. Like, as far as I know, I'm pretty
29:41
Speaker 1: sure our family is the only one with it that
29:43
Speaker 1: I know of anyways, So I don't know. Maybe someone's
29:46
Speaker 1: going to hear this podcast, like, hey, how about too,
29:48
Speaker 1: But as as far as I know that, I think
29:49
Speaker 1: we're the only one you need to find a honey
29:51
Speaker 1: dew for. Do you think you can do that before
29:57
Speaker 1: the end of this call? I have no idea. I'll
29:59
Speaker 1: try my us well, Brandon, I would say that it
30:04
Speaker 1: is always a I'm gonna always just say to take
30:06
Speaker 1: a leap of faith and get the hell out of
30:08
Speaker 1: a small town and open your eyes. And you know,
30:11
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be the UK, but like, if
30:13
Speaker 1: you had a good feeling about that, there's no reason
30:16
Speaker 1: it shouldn't be. I'm of the belief that you should
30:18
Speaker 1: always be expanding your horizons. And you know, you may
30:22
Speaker 1: not feel like your world is narrow, but once you
30:24
Speaker 1: get outside of it, you're going to realize how much
30:27
Speaker 1: there is to see. And it doesn't mean that you
30:28
Speaker 1: won't eventually go back there one day, but you should
30:31
Speaker 1: use your youth and this time to explore and understand
30:35
Speaker 1: the way the world is and how many different sorts
30:37
Speaker 1: of people are out there for you to get to know. Yeah,
30:40
Speaker 1: I have some situationally. I grew up in a really
30:44
Speaker 1: small town. I always wanted to go to a big city.
30:48
Speaker 1: When I was twenty, started moving. I moved to Chicago,
30:50
Speaker 1: and moved to Los Angeles, and I moved to Dallas,
30:52
Speaker 1: and I finally landed in New York. And when I was,
30:56
Speaker 1: you know, younger and and moving and at a similar
30:59
Speaker 1: age to you, all of my family like everyone would
31:02
Speaker 1: look at me like what are you doing, Like you're not.
31:04
Speaker 1: You gotta you gotta get in one place. You have
31:07
Speaker 1: to get your job figured out. You've just settle. And
31:10
Speaker 1: the best thing that I ever did for myself in
31:13
Speaker 1: my early twenties was like, go explore, find different cities,
31:17
Speaker 1: find the one that connects with me. And now I
31:20
Speaker 1: have great connections and all of those places that is
31:23
Speaker 1: hand down further my career. So I am super on
31:28
Speaker 1: bored with you moving and home never went anywhere. You know,
31:31
Speaker 1: you can always go home friends. I guess that's how
31:35
Speaker 1: I felt when I moved to Vancouver. The reason I
31:38
Speaker 1: was there right, and then um, it was a great experience,
31:41
Speaker 1: but I felt like it was really like as far
31:43
Speaker 1: as Canada goes like the not Alogue goes on in Canada,
31:46
Speaker 1: it's like as far as like for us, Vancouver is like,
31:49
Speaker 1: oh my god, like it's such a big city, but
31:50
Speaker 1: it's like if you look at that the world stage,
31:52
Speaker 1: it's like not at all. So like I was there
31:55
Speaker 1: and I felt it was very I didn't feel like
31:57
Speaker 1: there's like a huge room for progress or at least
32:00
Speaker 1: leave some bounds that I always like thanks, So I said, well,
32:02
Speaker 1: I want to get there, Like it's definitely not just
32:04
Speaker 1: London that I would be like, I totally down to
32:06
Speaker 1: live in. It's more so just I've always had that
32:09
Speaker 1: connection and be like, oh, I think I would really
32:10
Speaker 1: like it there. And then obviously I was just there
32:12
Speaker 1: in October I went for a trip to see some
32:13
Speaker 1: family over there, and then I was like, you know what, yeah,
32:16
Speaker 1: I should just move here. But then since being back
32:18
Speaker 1: now I'm like, oh my god, I don't know do
32:20
Speaker 1: I really want to leave everything? That's fear and you
32:22
Speaker 1: just said gave another great reason to try it out
32:24
Speaker 1: in the UK because you have family there, like that's
32:26
Speaker 1: a great like kind of insurance policy. You know, to
32:29
Speaker 1: move somewhere you already have a connection with that place.
32:31
Speaker 1: You are never going to look back at this time
32:34
Speaker 1: in your life after making a leap of faith like
32:36
Speaker 1: that and be like, I wish I hadn't done that.
32:38
Speaker 1: You're never anyone who stays if you came back and
32:41
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, I'm scared. You know, my family's here.
32:43
Speaker 1: That's all fear, that's all you're like ego going no, no no, no,
32:46
Speaker 1: you have something good here, this is steady. You will
32:49
Speaker 1: regret this because you're talking about making taking a leap
32:52
Speaker 1: that if you don't do it, you're always going to
32:54
Speaker 1: look back at this time and go, God, I wish
32:55
Speaker 1: I did something. I wish I had tried London. I mean,
32:58
Speaker 1: London is a fucking awesome town. Who's going to of
33:00
Speaker 1: there and have a bad time? You know for real? Yeah,
33:04
Speaker 1: especially since you got the fields when you were there.
33:07
Speaker 1: Like the fact that you have a connection. I like
33:09
Speaker 1: fully believe in city connections and location connections, you know,
33:13
Speaker 1: Like I feel that with New York. I moved to
33:15
Speaker 1: l A when I was nineteen years old, and I never, ever,
33:18
Speaker 1: one day ever looked back and thought, ship, maybe I
33:20
Speaker 1: shouldn't have done that. I knew in my gut that
33:23
Speaker 1: I had a connection to l A that I needed
33:25
Speaker 1: to go, that was where I needed to be, and
33:27
Speaker 1: I just never had a doubt in my mind. And
33:30
Speaker 1: so I think you should always listen to your instincts.
33:32
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes we want to play that game and
33:34
Speaker 1: be like, well, Dada and the pros and the cons.
33:36
Speaker 1: It's like your instinct is the most important valuable thing
33:39
Speaker 1: into it, like intuitiveness that you can have, and the
33:42
Speaker 1: most important relationship you can have with yourself is your instinct.
33:45
Speaker 1: So trust it. Yeah, definitely, I mean I do know
33:48
Speaker 1: for a fact, like regardless of what happens, I'm moving
33:52
Speaker 1: comes sprinks and like I cannot be here any longer.
33:54
Speaker 1: Like I really feel like, oh my god, like I
33:57
Speaker 1: should be doing something right now because like while I'm home,
33:59
Speaker 1: although it's like comfortable and obviously I have all my
34:01
Speaker 1: friends and found I grew up here, I also feel
34:04
Speaker 1: like I'm not progressing in any way professionally or like
34:07
Speaker 1: even personally, like I have like my connections and I'm
34:09
Speaker 1: not like gaining any more connections while being here, Like
34:11
Speaker 1: I just have what I've always had, so I definitely
34:15
Speaker 1: now I'm getting that headsets. I'm like, oh my god,
34:16
Speaker 1: Like what am I doing? Like I'm literally spending months
34:18
Speaker 1: here and I'm accomplishing nothing. I will say, you can
34:22
Speaker 1: do and create wherever you are in the world, you know,
34:26
Speaker 1: I mean that is not limited to to space and
34:30
Speaker 1: and so like as as a creator, as an artist, right,
34:33
Speaker 1: like you should be doing stuff all the time if
34:36
Speaker 1: it feels right wherever you are. Yeah, and I have
34:39
Speaker 1: been trying to do that. But wherever you move there
34:43
Speaker 1: you are like you are going, you are going to
34:45
Speaker 1: still be there, So find those things in your own
34:49
Speaker 1: body and space first and bring them with you wherever
34:52
Speaker 1: you go. Yeah, I mean it definitely has helped because
34:55
Speaker 1: I think, like you always talk to your family like yeah,
34:57
Speaker 1: I don't go too far and then but like it's
34:59
Speaker 1: nice like talk to you know other people that like
35:02
Speaker 1: I guess, but planes are plans are only good faster.
35:06
Speaker 1: And also your relationship with your family improves once you
35:08
Speaker 1: get the funk away from that. Everybody gets closer when
35:12
Speaker 1: there's some distance. I have a very tight knit family
35:16
Speaker 1: and that works because I left and we are very strong.
35:20
Speaker 1: We spend all of our holidays together, we spend our
35:22
Speaker 1: summer together. We are inseparable because you know, distance doesn't
35:27
Speaker 1: doesn't create more space in that sense, you know what
35:30
Speaker 1: I mean. That's a physical thing, you know, so that
35:32
Speaker 1: could even strengthen the bonds with your family being away
35:35
Speaker 1: from them. Yeah, no, I definitely agree with that. Like
35:38
Speaker 1: I think, I definitely got a lot closer to like
35:40
Speaker 1: my brother for example, when I went moved to Vancouver,
35:43
Speaker 1: like when we were living in the same house, you know,
35:44
Speaker 1: growing up with brothers. How it is Spence moving to Vancouver,
35:47
Speaker 1: and now that I'm in back, it's kind of like
35:49
Speaker 1: stilled in the same But yeah, when I moved away
35:51
Speaker 1: and we actually got like pret to be able to
35:52
Speaker 1: talk and actually have a conversation. So I definitely really
35:55
Speaker 1: in that until we agree with that. So I guess
35:58
Speaker 1: it's not so much like about that in the connection
35:59
Speaker 1: of think it's more so just like I think, it's
36:01
Speaker 1: also the phone. Oh you know, like oh my god,
36:04
Speaker 1: I'm gonna miss out onto me or what happens if
36:06
Speaker 1: I can't get this off work and I can't go
36:07
Speaker 1: home to that event or whatever. But think about what
36:10
Speaker 1: you're missing in London exactly. Yeah, it sounds like you
36:15
Speaker 1: already made up your mind anyway. You just need to
36:17
Speaker 1: swift kick in the ass, and that's what we're here for, London.
36:24
Speaker 1: Keep us posted as to what you do and when
36:26
Speaker 1: you do it. Okay, Yeah, we love we love updates.
36:29
Speaker 1: I'm excited for you. I love when people make big moves.
36:33
Speaker 1: I think that it opens up so many doors and
36:35
Speaker 1: pushes you into new places. I think it's such an
36:37
Speaker 1: incredible growth experience. So I'm very very excited for you. Also,
36:43
Speaker 1: maybe try telling people that you're moving to London, even
36:46
Speaker 1: if you don't have a timeline. See how it feels.
36:50
Speaker 1: And as you start to hear people be like, oh
36:52
Speaker 1: you're moving to London. Oh my gosh. You'll feel whether
36:55
Speaker 1: it feels like right or wrong, and then we'll start
36:58
Speaker 1: to get very excite. You have to start saying it
37:00
Speaker 1: in an English accent when you start talking. Can you
37:04
Speaker 1: do that? Yeah? I mean every time I do. Like
37:08
Speaker 1: you know, sometimes like you just stoke around your talk
37:10
Speaker 1: like in an accent, and everyone's like, you need to
37:12
Speaker 1: stop right now. You're so bad of that. Okay. I
37:16
Speaker 1: have told some people that I have been like, yeah, no,
37:18
Speaker 1: I'm playing a moving to London and everyone's always like, oh,
37:21
Speaker 1: that's so cool. So, I mean I have kind of
37:23
Speaker 1: done that as well. But I definitely think that did help,
37:25
Speaker 1: because like when you solidify it in your mind or
37:27
Speaker 1: at least like solidifying it and the sake of this
37:29
Speaker 1: person believe I'm going there, which means like I'm already
37:33
Speaker 1: one step closest to actually going because like people think
37:35
Speaker 1: I am, you know, so I definitely, I definitely believe
37:39
Speaker 1: and I definitely agree with that for sure. Well, thank
37:41
Speaker 1: you for calling in, and good luck with everything, and yeah,
37:44
Speaker 1: get that move going, put it into motion. Well, thank
37:47
Speaker 1: you so much. I know absolutely I will keep you posted.
37:50
Speaker 1: I'll let you know. I'll get to the date when
37:52
Speaker 1: I'm piecing out. Thank you. I I just realized my antipsychotics.
38:04
Speaker 1: I don't want to lose my ship with the name
38:12
Speaker 1: like Candlop, does it. I mean, Brandon, you got Candle
38:16
Speaker 1: up for good. Yeah, he was burying the lead. He
38:18
Speaker 1: should just go as Candle Candle, he's got to move
38:21
Speaker 1: to London has changed his name to Candlop. Well, our
38:25
Speaker 1: next question comes from our h Restoration Hardware. The outlet
38:32
Speaker 1: in they say, dear Chelsea, I'm thirty five years old
38:38
Speaker 1: and the youngest of four. My siblings all have kids
38:41
Speaker 1: of their own, and I'm the only one without them.
38:43
Speaker 1: My husband and I have been together for ten years
38:46
Speaker 1: and can't seem to fully commit to deciding to try
38:48
Speaker 1: to have our own kids or not. When I'm with
38:50
Speaker 1: my family, I sometimes feel not as included or seen.
38:54
Speaker 1: I know that's not enough of a reason to have kids,
38:57
Speaker 1: but we're struggling deciding if having kids is for us
39:00
Speaker 1: or not. How did you decide what you wanted and
39:02
Speaker 1: what tips do you have for me our age? Well,
39:06
Speaker 1: I would say that if you're on the fence about
39:09
Speaker 1: having children, the answer is probably not to have children.
39:12
Speaker 1: I think if you want to have children, it's something
39:14
Speaker 1: that you are really you should be really sure about.
39:17
Speaker 1: You know, you're bringing that's a huge responsibility. You're bringing
39:21
Speaker 1: a whole other person into this world, and you should
39:24
Speaker 1: be a hundred and fifty percent sure. You shouldn't be
39:27
Speaker 1: vacillating back and forth, and you certainly obviously should not
39:30
Speaker 1: do that for anyone else's feelings about your relationship or
39:34
Speaker 1: your merit within your family. I would argue that that's
39:37
Speaker 1: a youth thing and that you you should try and
39:39
Speaker 1: work hard to get past that about your family not
39:42
Speaker 1: taking you guys seriously because you don't have children. I
39:45
Speaker 1: think that's something that you kind of have to own
39:48
Speaker 1: and you know, and be vociferous about. You know, like,
39:51
Speaker 1: once you make your decision about whether or not to
39:53
Speaker 1: have children, if it's not to move forward you the
39:56
Speaker 1: reasons will be solid for not doing that, you know
39:58
Speaker 1: what I mean. You can't be shamed or you know,
40:01
Speaker 1: felts left out as the reason behind having a child.
40:05
Speaker 1: That's not something that to hang your hat on either.
40:07
Speaker 1: You guys are trying right now for a child, so
40:09
Speaker 1: you can speak to this. We've all, I mean, I've
40:12
Speaker 1: always wanted to be a parent, We've always wanted to
40:14
Speaker 1: have kids. I'm also thirty five and the youngest of
40:18
Speaker 1: four and I have thirteen nieces and nephews, so I
40:22
Speaker 1: totally get the idea of like having more merit. I mean,
40:26
Speaker 1: I definitely gained more merit in my family when I
40:28
Speaker 1: got married. That was like a game change to a
40:31
Speaker 1: man specifically, and we're so happy I didn't end up
40:34
Speaker 1: with the one I love. I love them, I love them.
40:36
Speaker 1: There were so much better than we've ever been. But
40:39
Speaker 1: I do really understand that feeling. And I will say
40:42
Speaker 1: that I imagine you being the person who has a uterus,
40:46
Speaker 1: being thirty five, you're probably feeling a lot of that
40:49
Speaker 1: society pressure. That's like, if you're going to do it,
40:52
Speaker 1: you have to do it now. I know that as
40:54
Speaker 1: we've been struggling with getting pregnant for the last year,
40:58
Speaker 1: that is like this constant piece sets on my mind,
41:00
Speaker 1: even though I know thirty five is not that old,
41:02
Speaker 1: but like, if you look online, it's a fucking geriatric pregnancy,
41:06
Speaker 1: Like it is language, Like it's so wild the way
41:11
Speaker 1: that you're made to feel at this time, and like
41:15
Speaker 1: making a decision because you feel pressured, just like Chelsea said,
41:18
Speaker 1: is not the way you want to go. But if
41:20
Speaker 1: you wanted some more security, you know, maybe freezing eggs
41:24
Speaker 1: or freezing embryos or doing something along those lines could
41:27
Speaker 1: help you feel more secure in the idea that you
41:31
Speaker 1: personally know you need to wait, but you don't always
41:33
Speaker 1: know if you're going to need to wait, and maybe
41:35
Speaker 1: something like that, whether or not you ever use them,
41:38
Speaker 1: could feel like you're buying yourself a little more time. Yeah,
41:43
Speaker 1: that's a good idea, that's I mean, you know, if
41:45
Speaker 1: you're willing to go through that process, then then then
41:47
Speaker 1: that's a definite great option for you. But it definitely
41:50
Speaker 1: is a process. It's not a process that I've been through.
41:53
Speaker 1: And now you know, we're we're doing I U I
41:57
Speaker 1: s NOW, which is like the step before IVF. I'm
41:59
Speaker 1: tear if I'd have to even think about doing IVF
42:04
Speaker 1: great egg retrieval, the hormones, Like I've never even taken
42:06
Speaker 1: birth control, Like I hate this ship, you know, but
42:10
Speaker 1: there is a world where like having these embryo safe
42:13
Speaker 1: could set us up for multiple children in the future.
42:15
Speaker 1: I don't know, It's like a game you have to play,
42:16
Speaker 1: but I think it's definitely worth having the conversation and
42:20
Speaker 1: kind of sessing out options if if that you know,
42:23
Speaker 1: feels right for you, which it may not right. I
42:25
Speaker 1: have a question for Chelsea actually on this subject, on
42:29
Speaker 1: this subject perfect, do you ever feel like, I know
42:33
Speaker 1: that you're in love currently that potentially your future could
42:37
Speaker 1: be different than the one that it is now with
42:39
Speaker 1: with kids. No, I'm very steadfast about I mean, I
42:43
Speaker 1: told him the other day I was pregnant, just to
42:44
Speaker 1: see what his reaction was, and he was just looking
42:47
Speaker 1: at me, like, because Joe is the type of guy
42:50
Speaker 1: that would be open to whatever. If I said that, yeah,
42:52
Speaker 1: I'm down, he'd be down. I'm not down, though, And
42:55
Speaker 1: I know I'm not down because it's just like a
42:57
Speaker 1: fanciful idea, you know what I mean. It's only because
43:00
Speaker 1: I love him that I would even think of it.
43:02
Speaker 1: But I'm not down for it. I'm not down for
43:04
Speaker 1: raising a child. I'm not down for having to put
43:06
Speaker 1: a person in the world and be responsible for them.
43:09
Speaker 1: I I mean, as a childless person. I would also
43:13
Speaker 1: say to you, as somebody who has siblings, I get
43:15
Speaker 1: to be the best aunt that I could ever be,
43:19
Speaker 1: mostly because I don't have children. You know. I get
43:22
Speaker 1: to shower attention onto a families that I'll never even meet.
43:25
Speaker 1: I get to give money to people in need all
43:27
Speaker 1: the time because it's not being used up for my
43:30
Speaker 1: own purposes in my own family. So there are real
43:32
Speaker 1: upsides to making that decision, you know, if that's where
43:35
Speaker 1: you go. And also, I'm very present and all of
43:39
Speaker 1: my nieces and nephew's life, and I take a lot
43:41
Speaker 1: of pride in being like that aunt that is going
43:44
Speaker 1: to be there, that is going to provide for them,
43:45
Speaker 1: that's going to have those conversations with them that are
43:48
Speaker 1: they're not going to have with their parents. And so
43:51
Speaker 1: there are a lot of upsides to having that role
43:53
Speaker 1: in your family as well. And I've never in my
43:56
Speaker 1: family and not felt like I was part of my
43:58
Speaker 1: family because I'm kind of like the center of attention
44:00
Speaker 1: of my family, and I forced us all to be
44:02
Speaker 1: together all the time. You know, I'm the ringleader. So
44:05
Speaker 1: I don't have, you know, that same thing where I feel, oh,
44:08
Speaker 1: my brothers and sisters have kids, I feel left out.
44:11
Speaker 1: But I would argue that as a state of mind.
44:13
Speaker 1: You know, it's a state of your own being, you know,
44:15
Speaker 1: because you do still have plenty to offer. Children don't
44:17
Speaker 1: define you, you know, you define you. So anyway, that's
44:21
Speaker 1: our advice. I mean, I think that's full bodied. We've
44:25
Speaker 1: got a couple of different perspectives here, a few, I
44:27
Speaker 1: should say, so let us know how that goes. Thank
44:30
Speaker 1: you for writing in. And yeah, if you're thinking about
44:34
Speaker 1: possibly getting some eggs fertilized and going down that route,
44:38
Speaker 1: that's a great avenue too. Until you make a real decision,
44:41
Speaker 1: until you're really solid on one side or the other
44:44
Speaker 1: of the issue, check your insurance first before you do
44:47
Speaker 1: that though, che let's talk about this SAG after A
44:51
Speaker 1: does not cover infertility. A surprise, What a surprise. I mean,
44:59
Speaker 1: I'm ready for a lawsuit. Well, I mean, and that's
45:02
Speaker 1: going to have to change in the near future. But
45:03
Speaker 1: every system is antiquated, Every health system is antiquated. I
45:07
Speaker 1: mean women are you know what I mean health care
45:10
Speaker 1: for women. I mean, look where we are in this country.
45:12
Speaker 1: It's it's not surprising, unfortunately, it's just everything. Everything needs
45:17
Speaker 1: a major fucking update and people need to get with
45:19
Speaker 1: the program. But instead we're sitting here having to fight
45:21
Speaker 1: abortion rights that you know from fifty years ago, instead
45:25
Speaker 1: of being able to tackle real issues like what you're describing.
45:28
Speaker 1: You know, ironically, Republicans want to force women to have children,
45:32
Speaker 1: but they won't do anything about infertility. They won't do
45:34
Speaker 1: anything about women that want to have children. I can't.
45:37
Speaker 1: So there you go the irony and the hypocrisy at
45:40
Speaker 1: play every single day in this country. And on that note,
45:44
Speaker 1: we're all going to commit suicide. This has turned into
45:48
Speaker 1: a Christmas usid just just crying in the corner. Excuse me, Well,
45:54
Speaker 1: while you're all doing that, we'll take a quick ad
45:57
Speaker 1: break and be right back O Hey, and we're back.
46:04
Speaker 1: Nico and Bethany, do you have a piece of advice
46:06
Speaker 1: that you'd like from Chelsea? I have a piece of
46:09
Speaker 1: advice because I mean, I've watched you over the years
46:12
Speaker 1: in many different phases of your career, and what I've
46:17
Speaker 1: always loved about you is that it seems to me anyway,
46:19
Speaker 1: like you don't give a funk. And I kind of
46:21
Speaker 1: mentioned this earlier, and I think giving a funk is
46:23
Speaker 1: something that often gets in my way. Kind of a
46:26
Speaker 1: simple question, but any advice for like tossing off the
46:30
Speaker 1: other voices? Yeah, I mean, I think it's something that
46:33
Speaker 1: you put into practice and it gets easier and easier
46:35
Speaker 1: as you go on. You know, not giving a funk
46:37
Speaker 1: is like an actual practice. It's like meditation, you know,
46:40
Speaker 1: when you're doing the work on yourself and you're constantly
46:43
Speaker 1: paying attention and you have yourself awareness in check, it
46:47
Speaker 1: makes it a lot easier to not give a fuck.
46:49
Speaker 1: Before it was like it was more flagrant for me
46:51
Speaker 1: when I was younger. I didn't give a funk because
46:53
Speaker 1: I was arrogant. Now I don't give a funk because
46:55
Speaker 1: I know I've done the work and I'm solid, like
46:57
Speaker 1: I'm not worried about any of my behavior or you know,
47:00
Speaker 1: offending people in in small situation. I'm not worried about
47:04
Speaker 1: not making small talk with somebody and that hurting their feelings.
47:07
Speaker 1: I don't have any of that anymore because I understand
47:10
Speaker 1: it's not my job to make everyone feel good. It's
47:12
Speaker 1: not my job to make everyone feel comfortable. And if
47:14
Speaker 1: people really have a problem with me, then they have
47:16
Speaker 1: a bigger problem with themselves. And that really is all
47:19
Speaker 1: you have to remember. Like if anyone is sitting there
47:21
Speaker 1: on Instagram commenting on your page about how much they
47:24
Speaker 1: dislike you, think about what's going on in that person's life, right,
47:28
Speaker 1: Absolutely never in my entire existence have I ever commented
47:32
Speaker 1: seriously like my male comic friends I will work with them,
47:35
Speaker 1: would be like Kevin Hart's page and be like, you know,
47:37
Speaker 1: nobody thinks you're a good actor, but that's because we're
47:40
Speaker 1: good friends. And I take it back because his latest
47:43
Speaker 1: movie or a series, true story, he could do some
47:45
Speaker 1: good acting. So and I wrote that on his Instagram
47:48
Speaker 1: page too. But as attacking as I've been in my
47:50
Speaker 1: life or as you know, giving people unsolicited advice and
47:54
Speaker 1: going off on people who I thought were fucking idiots.
47:57
Speaker 1: I would never spend my time tearing somebody down in
48:00
Speaker 1: that way. So that's all you need to know. You know,
48:02
Speaker 1: anybody who has a strong opinion of you that's negative
48:06
Speaker 1: is really none of your business. I think, you know, logically,
48:10
Speaker 1: that's a train of thought. So I am in the
48:12
Speaker 1: practicing phase. It's better than it used to be. I've
48:15
Speaker 1: also like taken some tangible steps to maybe like not
48:19
Speaker 1: read every single DM, Like I don't need to read
48:21
Speaker 1: these d ms that are coming in. Maybe I don't
48:22
Speaker 1: need notifications on my phone, or like maybe there's some
48:25
Speaker 1: places where I can kind of tune out. And I think,
48:27
Speaker 1: like logically, I know, but there's definitely an emotional part
48:30
Speaker 1: of me. And I'm also like a teacher and a
48:33
Speaker 1: trainer and I work with people's body, so like caring
48:36
Speaker 1: about how other people feel is like built into who
48:39
Speaker 1: I am. And I think there's like a place where, like,
48:42
Speaker 1: how do I still find ways to be compassionate and
48:45
Speaker 1: have this part of me that is like vulnerable and
48:47
Speaker 1: sweet and that I love and also like put up
48:51
Speaker 1: the walls to protect myself at the same time, And
48:53
Speaker 1: I think that's a balance. Well, even on your Instagram page.
48:56
Speaker 1: It's called the become project. Even on your Instagram and
48:59
Speaker 1: not pay itself, right, you have to look at what
49:01
Speaker 1: you're representing on that page and embody it. Right. You're
49:04
Speaker 1: helping people to be in touch with their feelings about themselves,
49:07
Speaker 1: not to be in touch with their feelings about you. Right.
49:09
Speaker 1: So when you need sometimes to remind yourself of who
49:12
Speaker 1: you are, I do this a lot. I'm like, if
49:14
Speaker 1: I go down insecure road or I think about something
49:18
Speaker 1: somebody wrote or said about me, it only takes me
49:21
Speaker 1: a minute to remind myself of who I am and
49:23
Speaker 1: what I stand for. And for you, I would say
49:25
Speaker 1: to go to your page and look at what you've created,
49:27
Speaker 1: and look at what you stand for, and look at
49:29
Speaker 1: what you're trying to extol, right, And that's your reminder
49:32
Speaker 1: of who you are, getting back into that center. Yeah,
49:36
Speaker 1: we all just need to remind ourselves who we are.
49:38
Speaker 1: You know, none of us are good or bad, or
49:41
Speaker 1: you know we do bad things or we do good things.
49:43
Speaker 1: And and once your ship is steady and you're moving
49:46
Speaker 1: along and you're conscious and aware of the world around you,
49:50
Speaker 1: your purpose and your gift is to make other people
49:53
Speaker 1: feel that way, right, so you've always got to kind
49:56
Speaker 1: of remind yourself that, hey, this is me, this is
49:58
Speaker 1: what I represent, and this is all I have to
50:00
Speaker 1: worry about, you know, and you're always becoming. Right. It's
50:03
Speaker 1: not called the Come Project. It's like that's a separate
50:06
Speaker 1: project that I'm working out that's going to be released.
50:10
Speaker 1: It's actually called it comes Upster. I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
50:13
Speaker 1: and don't try to get that. I have come to
50:15
Speaker 1: dobster dot com taken Joe bought it from me for Christmas.
50:20
Speaker 1: Even that's how you got pregnant the third time. Good,
50:26
Speaker 1: good stuff. Thank you guys so much for coming. What
50:29
Speaker 1: a delight, this is so happy to meet you. Yeah,
50:33
Speaker 1: that was fun. I can't wait to hear that you're
50:35
Speaker 1: pregnant and you guys are expecting a baby. It's going
50:37
Speaker 1: to happen. Yeah, absolutely, yeah, and good luck with everything.
50:41
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Nice to meet you guys, appreciate
50:45
Speaker 1: Thank you, Catherine, and thank you guys for listening. We
50:48
Speaker 1: will see you or you will hear us and possibly
50:51
Speaker 1: see us next week. Chelsea, do you have some upcoming
50:54
Speaker 1: show dates that you want to tell people about? Oh
50:56
Speaker 1: my god, always, February second and third are my Seattle knows. Oh.
51:00
Speaker 1: Also we added Philly, so come to Philly or Honolulu
51:04
Speaker 1: or Kauai or no Maui ship who knows. So we
51:08
Speaker 1: have added second shows to a lot of markets, but
51:10
Speaker 1: those are the immediate dates coming up. Anyway, does that
51:13
Speaker 1: answer your question, Katherine? It absolutely does. Great. Well, that's
51:17
Speaker 1: all we have for today's episode. Okay, well that was
51:19
Speaker 1: a definite therapy session. We will see you next week, guys.
51:23
Speaker 1: Right bye, right, And if you have a question, or
51:27
Speaker 1: you and a loved one have a question, please write
51:29
Speaker 1: into Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com.