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Why the highly sensitive man lets others walk over him (INFJ / INFP) · Lightbearer's Library

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, dear soul.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Today's journal entry is all about doormatmen.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is at the request of my husband, who is my number one fan, as he likes to tell me.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: And he thought that being a highly sensitive man himself, that this would be something that would resonate with a lot of you.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: And this feeling, this way of living in the world, way of being a highly sensitive person that just kind of ends up somehow meaning that you end up being a doormat to everyone.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: So we kind of talked about all the ways that he's experienced being a doormat in his life.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps some of these will resonate with you.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I would love to hear from you about your experience in the world.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, maybe we can come up together with some thoughts and ideas about how we how we can help help one another, help, help all the sensitive men out there to deal with this experience of feeling, of being, of feeling like a doormat.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I think the initial the initial kind of one that that came to mind was, you know, in well, I guess let's just start at the beginning.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of like from the beginning of life would be our parents.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, you know, our parents do stuff and and as kids that is not respectful to us as children and is not um, and that's saying the least of it, but you know, that we kind of bec become doormats to parents, and that can go on long after childhood, as you know, um maybe um, but that you can still be doormats to parents well into adulthood.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be really painful because you feel like you can't say no um to maybe maybe unreasonable requests or reasonable requests.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's like we're allowed to say no to things.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but just that that way that we grew up, the way that we have that relationship with our parents can mean that, you know, you end up being a bit of a doormat.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: So that that would be kind of the the the first one that that carries on.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then I think a lot of um there's an a lot of experience having being a doormat to friends.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my husband was talking about that just especially if if you're friends with other non-HSP men who aren't really sensitive, aren't really like aware of themselves, aren't really, you know, necessarily conscious of how they are being in the world.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it can lead to them making requests of us that are not wanting to treat us like a doormat, but they end up doing it.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: For example, like, and this is a later example, you know, my husband, he had well, it was kind of an interesting relationship, but it was like one of his people that he was working um with to write an album, and um, so so the guy was became like a friend, you know.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: As you make music things, you know, you become friends, but he was paying my husband, and he kind of owed my husband, I think it was like a thousand dollars at that point, and he had come to like for a recording session, and he was telling my husband all about how he'd bought a fifth guitar.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And and my husband was like, Kate, you owe me a bunch of money and you bought a guitar.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's like just the just that sense of feeling like what like am I am I like you know, because he didn't my husband didn't like follow him up very often about this money, and anyway, it just it's those those are those one kinds of things where it's just it just hurts.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: It hurts.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's like dude, is what he would say, but um so but friends treating treating us in a manner that is just like you know, not not not even seeing seeing us as people, um, and taking advantage of the relationship and the friendship to kind of get us to do things, and um and the the relationship ends up really unbalanced, you know.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: They they end up taking more than they give, and you're kind of left holding, holding all the giving, you know, you just constantly give and give.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so, you know, there's that um friendships, and then you've got sort of neighbors or landlords, like if you've got a relationship with a neighbor and they're constantly taking of your goodwill and your kindness, and you know, I think the thing is is that as HSPs we have these these big hearts, um HSPs being highly sensitive people, if you haven't come across that before, but it's just being just kind and empathetic and and wanting to help people from a genuine place of wanting to help people.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And when we're gentle and well, when men are gentle and kind and sensitive, it's like that's seen as weakness consciously by the person or unconsciously by the person, right?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's not it's not like all this stuff is happening for people, it's like, oh, this guy's weak and I'm gonna take advantage of him.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's just there's a sense in them of of like whether they know it or not.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then it's just like that that weakness, quote unquote, right, is to them that they see as weakness is taken advantage of and then walked all over and seen as you know, weak.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: So neighbors, landlords, work, right?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Work relationships, my husband was saying when he used to work at a college in London in the UK, um, um, because my husband is British, that's his his citizenship.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: He would like to, you know, say hello to all his fellow HSP British men.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but um when he would just like pick up the slack for everyone at work, it's like, or he would be doing everyone else's work to, you know, make sure because he was the head of the the music department at like I think it was the biggest call, like one of the biggest colleges in London.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, um, and he you know was was making sure that the department was run well and all the things.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, but you know, doing after hours work and always going the extra mile to, you know, with the kids in mind and and so it's just like, you know, because and oftentimes if we're, you know, idealists and we have this vision of how things should, should be, should be at work, should be run, um, you know, we want to make sure that we can do do what we can.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so we end up being like taken advantage of be by people who really don't care that much and are just in it for a job and the paycheck or whatever.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's like because I think as you know, in terms of personality, if if you're an you know an INFJ or an INFP man, it's it's like or or or an idealist type, temperament type, it's like we we we have this, we want to do jobs and do work that is meaningful to us.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so we put in the extra work and we put in the extra mile, but we might work with other people who the work they couldn't they couldn't care less.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like that gets taken advantage of.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then I think the thing that I've read seen mostly in the comments is about women and about relationships and men being treated like doormats by women in their lives.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: And in like in a in a you know, girlfriend or husband-wife relationship.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I just want to say firstly that I'm sorry that that has happened to you or is happening to you because it's it's painful and it hurts.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I was talking to my husband about previous relationships that he's had that have treated him like a doormat.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I said, well, would it have helped if you had shared your your, you know, that you were highly sensitive or that, you know, and he's like, No, I, you know, I think this like they would be like, Great, you're a doormat.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're actually, you know, actually doormat.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um because I think there's a lot of women out there that that's what they're looking for.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: They want to wear the pants and they wanna be in charge and they wanna, you know, call the shots.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like that's what being in a relationship is because they've grown up maybe with with moms who did that.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I did.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: My mom wore the pants and she made all the decisions, and it's like she treated my dad like you know, another another child, and maybe partially he was, and that was partially his fault.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And like it's like, but but whatever the case, it's it's like women grow up with the that that role model, and I don't think that that's something that is appropriate.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think I think that that there's a yin-yang in relationships, and I think that's that you know, two people can't drive the bus.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: I we talk about this a lot about or or we have to we interchange it between like driving the bus and captain of the ship, but it's like my husband is the captain of the ship, and only one person can have the hands on the steering wheel.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like men should drive the bus.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I think, you know.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And when I came to that, that letting that be part of my life and letting him drive the bus and not trying to drive the bus like my mom did, then all of a sudden, like this this pressure and this this I can just be softer and more loving and more kind and gentle and generous.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, there have been times where I've treated like him like a doormat, not not consciously, not trying to, um, just like taking out my um frustration on him or something, you know.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like he doesn't deserve that.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm I'm learning, I've been learning over the last number of years how to see what I'm doing, you know, consciously.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And but I know that that's we don't live in a a very psychologically aware culture where people are you know self-reflecting on stuff.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and I think that's where as HSPs, as sensitive people, and as perhaps that comes with being an introvert, a little bit more self-reflective, um, we all have introverted qualities.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, but like we just take that time to review and reflect on our behavior, on the behavior of others and how we're impacting others and all the stuff we think about, sometimes overthink, sometimes um, but you know, it's it's about being aware of I kind of lost my train of thought.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, self-reflection is we don't live in a culture of that.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: So it can when we come up against people in our lives, especially in relationships with other women, then with other women.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: No, when men come into relationships with women, then that are maybe not highly sensitive and not self-reflective, they can end up taking their stuff out on highly sensitive men, and then you want to be kind and loving and gentle, and you know, that's your nature, and to kind of have to speak up for yourself kind of it almost feels like it defeats the being kind and gentle.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've seen this with my husband a lot throughout our 11 years together.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, is that he's yeah, people he he wants people to just to just be as as sensitive as him, as kind as him, as as aware as him.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: And he knows that that's not the case, obviously.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it's it's just like this wanting to have this idealized world where everyone is polite and kind and you know, thoughtful about their actions towards others.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have experienced any of these, I would love to hear your your experiences and if you would like to come share with other men to know you are not alone in this.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: There are like I I know that there are sensitive men out there that I think probably all of you have experienced this in some way, shape, or form.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it it helps to know that you're not alone.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want a space to come and connect with other highly sensitive men, tomorrow, Wednesday, I'm running a well running, I'm ha hosting a men's group.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's a by donation um group.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I know a lot of you are maybe don't have all the finances or whatever.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just by donation, come and speak to other men and know you are not alone.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: I know that it's been really helpful for other men to just know that, to share what's going on in their lives and say, and you know, for other men to go, wow, like I hear you in that and here's my story.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I would love to have you come.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um the the links are all in the description.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: And um yeah, I'm I feel for you because I think the thing is is that what like what is what so what is a man to do?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you know, and my husband was like, well, maybe part of part of it is to find to find another highly sensitive, to find a highly sensitive woman to be in relationship with.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's you know, that's me.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm highly sensitive, and but there's still like stuff around feminism that I've had to un unpick and unravel and unwind.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, being being with him, being two highly sensitive people, we can really we're on more of an equal level of understanding.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that would be one one recommendation.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: And um, and my husband, I was like, so what does this end with?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Well, I think one of the other things is maybe just being alone.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I know a lot of you have made that decision in different different ways um to live alone, to, you know, have very few friends or whatever it is to just keep keep the peace within within your life, to keep your sanity.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you know, my husband was like, you know, well, maybe it's just like, you know, yeah, dying alone in a train station like Tolstoy.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, who's like, I just he's like, is that is that gonna be the end?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what are you talking about on here?
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, I think he feels like that that's that's part of it because Tolstoy was clearly like um, well, Tolstoy was an INFJ, but he was probably highly sensitive.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um anyway, so um, I was like, that's a cheerful thought, my love.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's a really cheerful thought.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe, maybe you're currently feeling like that.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are, you know, I I feel for you.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: My husband feels for you, you know.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: All the men here feel for you.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: So you're not alone.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're not alone.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: And um yeah, let me know, let me know, let me know your thoughts in the comments, and I will um wish you many blessings.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Signing off for today, XOXO Kate.