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116: Oedipus T. Bass · Breaking Mayberry

0:00
Boo, Hello, and welcome to another episode of Breaking Mayberry, the podcast
0:22
that listens to you. I don't know what that means. Yeah, you
0:27
sit in silence for a little bit. Yeah, yeah, here you go.
0:32
We're just gonna take an opportunity into it's your listener, This is your
0:35
time. Tell Marty and Dan what's up, what's on your mind, and
0:39
go. I don't know. That sounds like your fault. To me,
0:47
it sounds like you're wrong there. I'm either very happy for you or sorry
0:52
that happened. I don't know what. I think it's on you, but
0:55
I think you got to apologize. Sorry to tell you that. Yeah,
1:02
I know that that that one's your fault. Yeah, do it? Do
1:03
we want to do another? Yeah? Yeah, one one more time.
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This time we're gonna give it some time. That we're gonna give it some
1:10
time. We're gonna let them really explain their deal. Yeah, just really
1:19
okay, funny stuff. That's a good anecdote. I'm a little uncomfortable with
1:25
that one. Actually, Yeah, I appreciate I went in a place I
1:29
didn't I didn't care for. We're having a good time, the three of
1:33
us. You're part of this. Now, Welcome that's right, that's right.
1:37
I'm one of your hosts. I'm Marty Schneider. I'm the other hot
1:41
breaking this show actively encouraging a parasocial relationship, and you're our third host.
1:49
This is where you say your name. Oh my god, we're an episode
1:53
of fucking blues Clues. All right, I'm Marty Schneider. He's Dan Lund.
2:00
Welcome dude, Breaking Mayberry a television podcast about the Andy Griffith Show and
2:04
Baby Boover podcast in general. Hey Dan, Hey Marty. Wedding registries are
2:10
weird. Yeah they are. Are you encountering this now? We're Dan and
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I are both getting married this year, not to each other, although you
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know, Dan, if I if I was going to pick another person to
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spend my life with, it would I'll probably not be you. You're probably
2:27
like fourth or fifth on my life. Yeah, I was about to say
2:29
that was about to be awkward. I got I got Paul ready to go.
2:32
He's yeah, I mean I got I got other friends. Yeah,
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yeah, you're my best friend. Paul's my boyfriend. Dan and I are
2:39
both getting married this year, and yeah, I'm going through some weird stuff
2:43
planning. Our wedding registries don't make sense anymore. Right, Like, Sarah
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and I have been living together for like five years, and so I've got
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all the pots and pans I need. You know, not only we've been
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living together for five years, but also like every square inch of our apartment
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is meticulously flanned out. Yeah, so I don't know. I'm trying to
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do things like do I ask for a PlayStation five on my wedding registry?
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Is that TACKI No, I don't know the only thing you ask for.
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So I'm not doing wedding presents. We're doing a not wedding wedding. We're
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doing the chilliest possible form of a wedding one that right, you're also doing
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it. You're also doing like a destination wedding, right, And if you
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if you're doing a destination wedding and you're not paying for people to fly out,
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you can't ask for presents. No, And it keeps coming up,
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and we're just kind of like we're basically holding the line on wedding shit where
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we're just like not this, no, no gifts, because then it's another
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thing, and it's another thing if we if we accept gifts, then people
3:51
will expect this and then now we have to buy everybody dinner, and then
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we're doing a hotel block and we're so it's just like we're like it,
4:00
if we give it in the wedding will take a mile right, right,
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you can't, you can't let anything. We had this show weakness. We
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didn't want to do any of it, right. We didn't want to do
4:09
a wedding thing in Pennsylvania. You don't need an efficient So we were going
4:13
to skip the whole ceremony apart and just kind of marry ourselves. But we
4:15
said, okay, well I still want to have a party. Well,
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if I have a party, that means I have to give a venue.
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And if I have a venue, I'm probably need food and probably a DJ
4:23
and oh, motherfucker, I'm planning a wedding. It just happens, just
4:28
a wedding. You know what, honestly, what made the call is,
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and I'll say this on the air, is her dad gave us money for
4:34
the wedding. But her dad. But when her dad gives us money,
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that opens up the guest list of family to her family, which it stands
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to my family, which means, you know, suddenly this is a bigger
4:45
thing. Her family's been surprisingly chill about this though, Like there hasn't been
4:48
a whole lot of familiable expectations, but going from none to any is annoying,
4:55
right, Yeah, so the wedding industrial complex gets it. It's due.
5:00
In the end, you can't escape it. So we have to sit
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there and kind of do like, Okay, what's the bound what's the line
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between wedding and party? Right? If I pay for this, is it
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a party or a wedding? What kind of blurs it? You know?
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And honestly what made the decision for us is seating chart. Yeah, if
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I am if I am assigning seats to people, if I am choosing where
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people go based on like how well I know them or how much I think
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they know each other, or like whether or not I think they'll hook up
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at my wedding, Like if I'm if I'm arranging that at that level,
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then it's a wedding. It's not a party. Yeah, but it's also
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like I've never had a party except for like a rent party, where I
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am expecting people to give me money in exchange for this party. I are
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you I don't. I'm not doing a seating chart, do you? Are
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you taking a delight in playing god with seating charts of just like like playing
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puppeteer and being like, we're guys are going to fight, you guys are
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going to get along. Oh maybe if I put them at this table,
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they'll hook up. See that's what I said. We're not doing that.
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We're specifically not doing the seating chart, but god, that'd be fun,
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right, Like that's part I feel like I've been I've been to a lot
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of weddings. I've been to a lot of good weddings. I've been to
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a lot of bad weddings, and I feel like, you know, you
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do weddings to make your family. Your wedding isn't about you, right,
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The wedding is never about the couple. Yeah, the wedding is about making
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your family happy and spiting your friends. That is what it is. Because
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I have been through so many other people's weddings and now I'm sitting there going
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like, guess what, motherfuckers your turn? Why am I making you do
6:43
a speech because you have a fear of public speaking. And also this is
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the only time in my life when I can force people to say nice things
6:49
about me. Yeah, Like, you don't get to do that The only
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other time I get to like gather people in a room and make them say
6:59
nice things about me is when I'm dead. Yeah, so I'm someone else.
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I was planning a wedding and they said they weren't doing speeches. I
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said, fuck that. Yeah, everybody do a speech. Everybody like Debt,
7:13
even including the eight year olds. Make them all do speeches. No.
7:16
Yeah, everyone's in the speech, including you, the listener. Right
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now, give a speech about Marty. Now, thank you that mental lot
7:26
coming from you? All right, pause to do these or these like like
7:30
blasts. I shouting a speech. He's a great guy. I think that's
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good enough. I think this is enough of like wedding chat with Marty and
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Dan. Expect a lot more of that as we like, as we struggle
7:46
for introductions. Yeah, as this slowly consumes more and more of our lives.
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Okay, So today's episode of The Andy Griffith Show. We're talking about
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Season five, episode four, The Education of Earnest T. Bass originally airs
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October twelfth, nineteen sixty four. Written by Everett Greenbaum and Jim Fritzel,
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directed by Alan Rafkin. Here's your one sentence summary from Wikipedia. Ernest T.
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Bass tries to earn his diploma after his girl calls him illiterate his antics
8:18
badly disrupt Helen's classroom. Okay, so this is a Billy Madison episode,
8:24
right. It's weird how similar this is to Billy Madison. This is like
8:28
a hyper realistic version of Billy Madison, and it's very clearly like influence.
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Right. You can even hear a couple of these earnest t lines in Sandler's
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voice. Yeah, you know. So here's the thing, that description right
8:43
there covered. I'm gonna say eighty percent of the episode. The other twenty
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percent of this episode revolves around and I can't believe I'm about to say this
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for the second time this season, edible obsession with mother figures. Yeah,
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it's so weird directed at the same woman, sexual desire for mothers uh and
9:07
and arousal at discipline. It's the second fucking time this season we'veubably done three
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episodes. It was a weird time for the men of America, specifically the
9:24
wealthy white ones. They were figuring some stuff out. This was kind of
9:28
the puberty of of the of the rich American male. So you know,
9:35
there's it's just them getting it out of their system. They're just figuring stuff
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out by torturing this one fictitious woman. So do so this is a this
9:46
a green Bomb Fritzel episode and they switch off. I've noticed like sometimes it's
9:50
Fritzel green Bomb, sometimes it's green Bomb Fritzel. Uh, this is green
9:54
Bomb first, And I've got a feeling Fritzel may have been like, maybe
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don't put my n on this one, buddy. Yeah, like this,
10:01
this is definitely green Bomb working some shit out. This script came in sticky.
10:09
They there were a lot of dark spots on this thing. All right,
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we've teased this out enough. God, it's it's it's gross in a
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way that it doesn't need to be, and it's it's it's it's it's doing
10:28
one whole weird thing. And then in the middle of the weird thing,
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it just goes like, what if this was nasty? What if we just
10:37
made this gross? Guys? Do you want to do that? I know
10:39
we were all having some fun, but like, what if one of us
10:43
just started jerking off? Would that be cool and funny? Look? I
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know that like sometimes actual Andy Griffith fans listen to this at this show,
10:52
and sometimes we read into things a little too heavily. I know that that's
10:58
kind of our sticks, you know, kind of like hyperbolic, like forcing
11:01
stuff that isn't there. This is there, It's very much there. So
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let's go, let's get into it. Okay. So so this episode opens
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with Andy and Barney hanging out in the jail talking about lunch, fucking simulating
11:20
conversation this one, where should they go to lunch? How do they feel
11:24
about different lunch specials? Which is like the most accurate portrayal of mundane human
11:33
life in recent memory. You've had this conversation with a coworker very recently,
11:39
possibly today, and it is kind of great that they I liked this bit
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where they're they're having this extreme mundane conversation and then suddenly a rock bursts through
11:56
a window and it is like four hundred guns went off, Like suddenly,
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it's fucking chaos. A window goes through the rock. Andy says, you
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know who that is, don't you. They run outside, they yell for
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earnesty Bass to get in, and then suddenly there's a great deal of screaming
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and just basically they just drag him into the building. There's like a four
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minutes scuffle where they're all like grappling each other. They basically there's a there's
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a really fucking good joke where they take away Earnesty's bag of rocks and Earnesty
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is just kind of talking about his love life while Barney repeatedly goes, what's
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up with the bag of rocks? Man? Okay, cool, but what
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is up with the bag of rocks? Still haven't explained the bag of rocks?
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It's true, It's true. Like at first, I was gonna make
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fun of this for being yet another boring non joke conversation, but you're right.
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It is just like three minutes of Andy and Barney waiting for the plot
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to arrive, and then the plot a rock. The plot kicks in the
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front door with two Roman candles in each hand and just arms a kimbo with
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AK forty seven rainbow afro on, Like, who wants some plot? Motherfucker's
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just with a T shirt cannon strapped to each leg. Um. So the
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plot that h Earnest rides a fucking dragon with is Earnest. Uh. If
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you've never heard our episodes on Earnest Bass before, he is um he's a
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goblin man, He's a weird feral child who lives out in the mountains uh
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and is basically not fit for human society. He is a demented little pervert,
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a demented, little rabid goblin pervert from the depths of hell who is
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semi homeless. I think it's implied that he has a home, but it's
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just like an abandoned shack he squats in. He might have superpowers, at
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least teleportation. Yes, he does appear to be some form of horrible magic.
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You cannot hold him, Yeah, it is. He is a demonic
14:24
figure. He is both the worst because he is constantly doing reprehensible things,
14:31
usually to women or and also the best because he comes into the episode and
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he kicks Andy's fucking teeth In every single episode. The decision, the struggle
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is not to defeat Earnest Tea Bass, not even to reason with him.
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It is to survive Earnest Tea Bass, and he usually it fails. Right
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this this is like the fourth or fifth time he's ever he's appeared, and
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every single time Andy's approaches, I've been all right, let's negotiate with terrorists
15:05
more or less. Uh. Basically it starts out with, all right,
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what if we give Ernest t Bass fifty percent of what he wants? All
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right? What if we give him a hundred percent of what he wants?
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Yeah, all right, what if I just give him my blood on top
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of everything he wants. I'm out of options here, So what if we
15:28
what do we get him to say? Sabt Testern test test Marie, Sabti
15:33
test may and then he'll return back to his actual dimension. Oh nope,
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that made a car appear. He has a car now? Oh god,
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Oh god, he's mobile. Oh no, oh no, saying his name
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backwards just made him more powerful. Oh he's tokyo drifting through a school.
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Oh shit, like this, he's a he's a chaos demon. He comes.
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Sometimes I describe people showing up here as like acting like they came from
15:58
a different television show. Ernesty came from a different plane of existence. Yes,
16:03
and so when he when he shows up in Mayberry, like, shit's
16:06
gonna go down. It's gonna be gross and weird, and Marty and Dan
16:11
are gonna have a good time. But also I know we're not. Marty
16:15
and Dan are not gonna have a good time. It's basically I hate to
16:21
make this comparison. He's basically like a South Park character if they were like,
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ah, too rapey. That's pretty much what he is coming from.
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He's the joker. He is. He is the most joker. This is
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what it would actually be like really fucking annoying. So that's that's him.
16:45
So that's it. That's Ernest in a nutshell. So in this in this
16:48
episode, he comes in and he mentions that his lady friend, Ramona,
16:55
who we saw in the last episode that Ernesty appeared in Ramona. This whole
17:00
deal is she's also he's like a member of polite society, but like she's
17:04
also a psychopath hidden underneath that and Barney. Barney being a eugenicist chocks that
17:11
up to genetics because her grandfather was also a psychopath. I guess, So
17:17
I guess Ramona, I would be the Harley Quinn to Ernest. He's joker.
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The impetus for this is Ernest wanted to get married. Ramona turned him
17:27
down because he's She thought that he needed some book learning. He needed an
17:32
education because thoroughly illiterate, not even functionally illiterate, Like Ernest doesn't know how
17:41
letters work together, he does not know the alphabet. What we've seen all
17:45
right, continuity error, nitpick here, Ernest knows how to write. We
17:49
know that Ernest knows how to write because he writes notes and then puts him
17:52
on and then attaches them to rocks and throws him Otherwise, who's writing those
17:56
letters for Ernest? Right, it's a guy. He's got a weird old
18:02
man in a cardboard box somewhere writing the notes for him, dictating it.
18:08
Yeah, like an old guy with a long beard and no legs that he
18:12
just high he pays in nickels to write letters for him. Yeah, that's
18:18
the most reasonable explanation. Honestly, it is so so yeah, Ernesty has
18:27
zero education whatsoever. Cannot read, cannot write. He can recognize words based
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on like context. He can recognize words like no trespassing or no hunting,
18:40
you know, beware of dog because he is a hobo basically a transient.
18:45
But he wants to get an education. And Andy's like, well, my
18:52
girlfriend is a teacher with absolutely no will or authority or a backbone of her
18:56
own, so I can make this happen, and I suppose yeah, so
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it's basically uh, Andy is like, all right, because Ernest tea Bass's
19:07
threat is I will take this bag of rocks, and I will keep breaking
19:10
windows until you teach me how to read and do math and um. But
19:17
our Barney is like, Okay, well this isn't our problem and we should
19:21
tell him to get out of town, and Andy basically says, well,
19:25
we have no recourse here because we have no way to stop him. A
19:30
great detail is they physically cannot arrest him because he has the magical goblin ability
19:37
to just leave jail whenever he wants um. So their options are basically give
19:42
him what he wants or kill him. I also imagine that he get into
19:48
Harry flippery. Yes, and I mean that literally, not figuratively. I
19:53
feel like it's very hard to hold onto him. Yeah, I feel like
19:59
I feel like it's got like a light sheen of olive oil over him at
20:02
all times. I feel like, also, if they tried to kill him,
20:06
it just wouldn't work. Like if they shot him in the heart,
20:07
he would be like, oh I can't before dog carts three years ago,
20:11
I got plenty of them. He can't be killed by conventional means. We
20:15
cannot stress how weird this character. It's weird and all powerful. This character
20:19
is an off putting so, yeah, so it's in a lot of our
20:26
conversations about Earnesty Bass. It's gonna sound we like, we like him,
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we don't. Just gotta be very clear, we disavow Earnesty Bass. We
20:34
don't approve of him or anything he does. We are not fans of Earnest
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d. This is probably the least objectionable episode that Earnesty Bass is in.
20:45
It's probably the one that portrays him as the most human, and it's still
20:49
pretty fucking bad. Yeah, so Andy's plan is basically it's like, all
20:55
right, I'm gonna help him, and yeah, so what you said is
20:57
he he shoves him off on Crump in what is an astronomically a bad idea,
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and the way he pitches it to Helen Crump, his girlfriend, the
21:10
school teacher, is so half asked and poorly thought out that he clearly does
21:17
not believe it's going to work. He's just like, She's like, you
21:21
want to put a deranged adult in my classroom full of children that won't work
21:26
for reasons that are that outside of this immediate situation would be true, And
21:33
and he's arguments like, well, maybe he would be an inspiration to the
21:37
children on the they'd be so inspired to see an adult man trying to better
21:41
himself. And she's like that sounds like bullshit, and he's like, yeah,
21:45
goodbye. A better argument would be, like, you know, he's
21:49
an infiration in the way that the DARE program brought in like recovering crackheads,
21:55
you know, to get me to not do drugs, or at the very
21:59
least like men tending to be recovering crack like crack addicts. I shouldn't say
22:03
crackheads, that's that's not a good term. But like, now that I
22:06
think about it, that was all I mean. I know the DARE program
22:08
was bullshit, right, but I feel like those were actors. I feel
22:11
like those were guys pretending that they were you guys got actual crackheads in you.
22:15
I don't think we did. I don't think we did. We just
22:18
got shown videos of them, That's true. Look at your Dare to Dare
22:22
program with a budget. No, I never hang on a second. Did
22:26
you also get the video where we watched like a cartoon rabbit do heroin?
22:32
Yes, you were horrible. Do you remember that ship? Yeah? That
22:36
was so weird. They showed us, they showed us how to find a
22:40
vein on a cartoon rabbit. What the fuck was that? He? If
22:42
anything, that was really training me how to do drugs, Like, if
22:47
anything, the DARE program made me better at drugs. Yes, Like they
22:51
were like, oh, does this look like fun? And then they had
22:53
a pink rabbit find a vein and tie himself off, and I was like,
22:57
no, it didn't even fun. Before you had met at syringe,
23:03
I was good. I didn't want to do this. You didn't have to
23:07
show bugs bunny like shooting up. I'm cool, man, I'm damning it
23:12
didn't. It didn't make me want to do this. But like you know,
23:17
just historically, if you want a child to not do something, having
23:22
a cartoon bunny do it is not the way to do it. Yeah,
23:26
it's not the way to go about that, just but also, yeah,
23:32
the fucking I'm ten years old. I just want to do social studies.
23:37
You know, missus Roberts is gonna teach us about like the ancient Egyptians or
23:41
something today. Nope, No, it's time to have a cop come in.
23:45
I remember our officer, like our our dare off very clearly. His
23:49
name was officer quickly, hey offics quickly, fuck you yeah quickly, And
23:55
I remember watching that that terrible video of an animated rabbit, and I don't
24:00
remember what I was supposed to learn from him, but that image has been
24:03
burned into my fucking retinas forever, all right, So anyway, Ernesty Bass
24:07
might be an animated heroin addict rabbit. But the point is he's not a
24:14
good example for children. You should not put this man near children. So
24:18
I I just want to point out, so they're putting adult man in a
24:22
classroom with children. I'm not I'm not positive that in this In the time
24:29
period of the Andy Griffith Show, things like community colleges or adult education programs
24:33
existed, but this is a pretty good reason to invent one. This is
24:40
this is probably that's probably what you should have done instead of be like,
24:42
well, we got to figure that out, except I did fucking research it.
24:48
Um. The GED program was launched in nineteen forty two. By the
24:52
nineteen fifties, initially it was for soldiers returning from war. By this point
24:56
it would have been accessible to everybody. Uh, Junior colleges have been around
25:03
even longer than that. Adult education programs have been a staple since since the
25:11
twenties. So there were so many resources that they could have dumped him into.
25:17
The only excuse would be there in the fucking South, where there is
25:22
no municipal government to speak. Once again, like a social any social program
25:27
whatsoever beyond cops would have made this this a lot easier, or at least
25:33
made someone else's problem. I don't know. But the problem, the problem
25:37
you're you're saying there is like with the exception of maybe the adult education programs
25:45
uh, because you mentioned the GED, which is for like people who at
25:48
least have like, ah, like a basic high school level or junior colleges.
25:52
These wouldn't work for Earnesty for the same reason that Helen Crump points out,
25:56
which is I'm a fifth grade teacher. Yes, this man does not
26:00
know the alphabet. It's not gonna work. This man needs to fully Billy
26:07
Madison this and go all the way back to first grade. Yes, he
26:12
should be drawing a blue duck. So instead of doing any sort of robust
26:18
program whatsoever, what they basically do is turn a room full of children into
26:22
potential kidnapping victims. And look, again, we cannot dresses enough. Earnesty
26:30
has done multiple kidnappings. He has least throw rocks, kidnap people It's like
26:38
it's all he's gotten the tank and you just have so many vulnerable children waiting
26:44
to be on milk cartons in sitting with him in that room having a great
26:48
time. Yeah, the kids don't really respond to him, which I thought
26:52
was a missed opportunity. Right. The kids are all very polite and charming,
26:57
and again to sit there. Only one child like has a line in
27:02
the classroom, and she's kind of just sits there and smiles and answers the
27:07
question and waited politely for Earnest. I'm not saying I wanted more earnest t
27:11
interactions with children. I feel like that would have been horrible. But also
27:15
it seems like it seems like there's a missed opportunity there, right, Like
27:18
I feel like they basically do the plot of Billy Madison, the plot of
27:21
Billy Madison. But also like, you know, Okay, if they had
27:25
done this, then obviously the movie Billy Madison would never have existed, and
27:29
that would have you know, we would never have had any else of the
27:32
Sandman's career. Is this funny? Dan? Is it funny? Watching?
27:37
It's kind of is? I laughed? I laughed at these I laughed I
27:41
laughed at Earnesty. The first example is h Helen Crump writes a sentence on
27:47
the on the blackboard. Uh, and it's something like the possum hid under
27:52
the rock or something. And she's asking the kids, Okay, what's the
27:55
subject, what's the object? Earnesty baskets really excited and yells, I can
28:00
tell you about postums. I can tell we're gonna open up that rockings he
28:03
wants under the bostum. We're gonna find out what the bostom trnna do.
28:06
But about here's all the ways that you can get a possum out from under
28:08
a rock. I'm author dative on the subject. I'm excited about that.
28:12
It's it's I'll say, it's funny. It's funny. It wears that it's
28:17
welcome very quickly. Yeah, it goes on too long, really good three
28:22
minute joke that goes on for like five minutes, and it's and that's the
28:26
whole thing. So she so he is interrupting everything. Uh, he's the
28:30
next like basically having weapons grade ADHD yeah or less. Yeah, And he
28:36
won't sit down. He's disrupting the whole classroom. Later on that night,
28:41
they get Opie's old first grade notebook like his old like first grade classroom,
28:48
and try to teach him a few words, like, you know, do
28:51
you understand how we're how words work? Which is also kind of funny.
28:56
I laughed at a lot of this despite myself, and most of it is
29:00
just Howard Morris. Howard Morrison placed Howard Morris is so I don't know what
29:04
he's doing, but he's really good at it. He's going like he's basically
29:10
throwing shit at the wall, like he's doing like fifty things a minute,
29:15
and at least like thirty percent of it is hitting. So it's pretty it's
29:22
it's pretty fucking good. He gets into the classroom, Helen Crump is completely
29:26
unable to teach him. They should have scrapped it five fucking seconds in,
29:30
kick him out of the classroom, call in the state police, burn the
29:33
town if you have to. This is over, like the second he started,
29:37
just started screaming about a possum shoes. Should have been like, well,
29:40
mulligan on this, let's go. Andy actually has like some luck teaching
29:45
him. He see, they should have just done that. He should have
29:48
just personally tutored him. That's what worked. He taught him words, Yeah,
29:52
and Andy like, and this is what I meant when I said earlier,
29:56
this is probably the most human that we've ever like done. Earnest.
30:00
You know, he's he's appreciative. He has a line like, you know,
30:04
when you're a no account like me, you really appreciate it when people
30:07
do things to you. And you start to feel a little like sympathy for
30:11
Earnest t a little bit the way that he delivers most of these things,
30:17
and got at a certain point, I'm like, I'm rooting for you,
30:21
Ernest. I want you to learn some words. He's so dumb. That's
30:25
kind of the thing that he is so stupid, and you can understand the
30:29
way his shitty, like that terrible brain is functioning where he's basically a feral
30:34
animal trying to be a human. Yeah, and all of it. You
30:38
know, it's working a little bit. I'm starting to feel infor him.
30:42
And then we get to the next scene the next day. The next day
30:49
he starts popping off because he comes in and he's ready to show off that
30:56
he knows how to read a single sense tense now and it's not really a
31:02
sentence. He just put all of the words he knows together. It's not
31:06
a sentence, but he's learned by sight, like keep out of yard,
31:11
dogwell attacks stuff like that. The success that Andy has is he teaches Ernest
31:17
that if you remove the in part from hunting, you get the word hunt.
31:21
Congratulations, ernesty, you know a new word. Fine, whatever,
31:25
you did it, Andy, good job. Yeah. So he goes in
31:27
instead. She's teaching math that day, and he starts basically acting up about
31:33
how he wants to talk about reading. The kids are losing their shit in
31:37
the background. They are getting decades of material out of this. They are
31:42
going to be able to talk about this shit into their thirties. Crump is
31:47
losing. It's so much better than a heroin addic Rabbit. Yes, God,
31:52
they're going to talk about this shit at their high school reunion, the
31:56
ones of them that haven't been carried off into the wood by Mountain Luna ticks.
32:01
But gotta be really great material for Opie's podcast. Crump is rapidly losing
32:08
authority in the room. She again, she is no longer an authoritative figure
32:14
in this situation. Another adult has come into the room, called her whole
32:17
thing bullshit and won't sit down. She is no, it's done. She's
32:22
screwed. She should move away. It's over. She's lost this classroom.
32:29
So she does the one thing that she can do. She has one other
32:31
option, and she straight up says, look, I'm a teacher. I've
32:36
never done this to a student. You're a grown man, and you're making
32:38
me do this. Fine, and then she hits him with a with a
32:42
rulers smack. She smacks him with a ruler, gets the chalk from him,
32:45
from him and says, go sit down, and then he gets rock
32:49
hard. There is there's an awakening there you can see in I'm gonna give
32:58
it to him. He does a great job acting. Um. They he
33:01
really sells it, um because you can see in his eyes the progression of
33:07
his dick becoming turgid. Like you can, it's it's inescapable. You can
33:15
you can basically stop at the exact second mark and be like, and it
33:19
got to the tip. He's good. Um. She she hits him with
33:23
the chuck and his eyes glaze over and he goes, I love you,
33:29
but doo doooo doo doo doo. Cut to a commercial for cigarettes. So
33:36
so look, as I say this out loud, I almost I almost canceled
33:39
tonight recording session after watching this because I was like, oh shit, we
33:44
should have somebody on here. We should get a psychologist, we should get
33:46
like a sexy can we get Timmory back? We get doctor Timmory. This
33:50
seems all over real house. I'm glad we didn't because I don't want to
33:52
know more about what the fuck is happening. I don't want to know more
33:55
about the psychology behind this, but we're gonna get into it because it becomes
33:59
a point. Yes, so so now now the plot is once again,
34:04
somebody else has fallen in love with with Helen Crump and she's such a fucking
34:13
catch. She has the same facial expression from this as she does for Opie
34:22
falling in love with her, which I can really only describe as I need
34:25
to get the fuck out of this town. I need to stop living here
34:31
so urgently. I don't know why that real estate agent can't close on my
34:37
house. What the fuck? She always looks like she's trapped. She always
34:42
looks like like she she looks like an animal that just arrived at the zoo
34:50
and doesn't know what the glass barriers are. Thomlu gets into these same situations
34:55
and her facial expression is like, oh boy, how am I gonna get
35:00
out of this one? And Crump gets into these situations and she just gets
35:04
a thousand yards stare and she's just looking back at all the forks in the
35:08
road in her life and the choices she made that brought her here to this
35:14
moment dealing with this person. It's haunting. Can I say, Can I
35:20
just say this? Though I hate Helen Crump, she said she nothing sucks.
35:24
She sucks as a character. She doesn't have anything to do. She
35:30
and Andy do not have any chemistry whatsoever. I've got a feeling that the
35:34
only reason she was kept on so long is because the actress Anita Coorissant,
35:38
and Andy Griffith himself we're having an affair in real life, which is so
35:44
weird. They've actually had sex, but they have on the screen. They
35:49
have zero chemistry like whatsoever. And they just they never give this character any
35:54
agency even in this episode, right Uh. Kind of culminates with her saying,
36:01
all right, well, what we're doing here makes a mockery of me,
36:05
my profession, the entire the entire institute of education. But okay whatever,
36:10
Like she doesn't she's she's not like, okay whatever. She's repeatedly told
36:15
to shut up. Yeah, I and this I'm reading. I don't know
36:23
if I'm reading too much into it. Put her overwhelming trait just seems to
36:29
be and I'm not saying, uh facetiously that she hates her life, just
36:34
a deep overwhelming sadness. She seems so sad and miserable and regretful of being
36:39
here. Like the and We've hated. I think, with the exception of
36:45
the first one, every Andy Griffith love interest to some degree, they've always
36:50
been nothing. To some degree. I think they've been vacant or annoying.
36:57
This is this is the least personality of all of that. I don't even
37:00
dislike her. I just want to get her out of here. I want
37:04
to get her help. I want to raise money to get her a relief
37:08
effort. I don't, I don't care. I don't. I know,
37:13
I don't care about this woman at all. I mean, she's not doing
37:15
a lot to make her own situation better. She does seem to suck kind
37:20
of as a person. But she hates this so much. And I'm like,
37:23
are you sure that you did that? You guys meant to do this.
37:27
I've been listening to our old season one episodes and look, season one
37:31
wasn't perfect. Yeah, season one wasn't perfect, right, But you had
37:37
the bones of stuff there. You had Eleanor donohue as Ellie being a foil
37:44
like, having a personality, having admittedly very vague and wishy washy, but
37:51
having motivation. You know, there are some like weird beginning proto feminist leanings
37:55
to it. So you had somebody to stand up and be like, no,
38:00
Andy, this is the way that we were going to do things.
38:01
Now. You had a fucking concept for a show in Ellie. Yeah.
38:07
And and they've just slowly taken and just ripped all personality out of not just
38:14
Ellie, not just the love interest, but every female character. And by
38:16
every female character, I guess I mean aunt b Yes. So they've just
38:21
slowly stripped everything from it. Oh my god. And so I wish I
38:27
wish that the show had If the show had continued on the path that season
38:31
one laid out for us, we wouldn't be doing the show like we would
38:36
have gotten season two. And but like this is fine. Yeah, basically
38:38
Ellie would have continued to develop and it would have been a delightful back and
38:43
forth. Yeah, and it would have just been a TV show that you
38:46
and I have no opinion about. Yes, Instead it's this, and we're
38:51
just right. I hate this, hate this so much. It's actually harassed
38:54
by a horny little toad. So that's what that's what happens. The next
39:00
scene is literally that horny little toad standing outside of Helen Crumb's house screaming I
39:07
love you, Come out and meet me, come out and be with me,
39:10
throwing a rock at her at her window. And and he's like,
39:14
okay, man, you throw a rock and I'm gonna arrest you now while
39:19
he haullers outside like he throws him in the back of the car, and
39:22
Ernesty haullers out the window like a dog, just that he loves her.
39:27
And again, she should really put like I'm not saying she should move,
39:31
but she should really put her stuff in a suitcase and find somewhere else to
39:36
stay. He knows where she lives. That's not okay, this is very
39:39
bad. It's it's a bad situation. Is a bad situation. I look,
39:46
I know I always know that anytime I critique the policing in here,
39:51
I come across this pro cop. But I'm just gonna say, but if
39:53
you're gonna have cops in your town, the windows, the back windows shouldn't
39:58
roll down. Yeah. Yeah, this is really uh, I mean it's
40:08
hard not did he lock the door? Yeah, I don't think it's a
40:14
police car party. I think it's just a car, like a car.
40:17
They might have child locks. They just they put an alarm on it.
40:22
It plugs into the cigarette lighter. It's yeah, it's I mean, it's
40:29
hard not to be pro cop in the face of a super villain like like
40:36
Magneto is here. It's just right to look if you if you want there
40:39
to be cops at all, these guys are not good at copying. No,
40:45
they're horrible. Again, they are a terrible example. It is a
40:49
woman. A woman is the victim of a violent, dangerous stock. Not
40:53
just a woman, his girlfriend girlfriend is the victim stalking by a violent criminal,
41:02
violent criminal with a past of kidnapping. And they're just like, oh,
41:07
man, we're out of moves. We put him in. They put
41:12
him in a jail cell, knowing that he's going to break out. He
41:15
does, in fact breakout. This does lead into I would say, arguably
41:22
the best joke of the entire show, which is um they lock Ernest he
41:25
bass up, and Varney is like, all right, here's what we gotta
41:29
do. I gotta take him out behind the jail cell and I just gotta
41:31
lay a beat down on him. Yeah, I just gotta beat the living
41:37
shit out of him. And you know that'll straighten him out, will send
41:39
him out of town. And Andy, without missing a beat, just goes,
41:43
he'd kill you. Deliver that completely straight does if not a joke to
41:47
him. He just says he'd kill you and if if kime the running line,
41:52
like multiple times he says he'd kill you, like and it's funny because
41:55
he means it and it is completely accurate. Earnest he bass with literally kill
42:00
him if they thought. And it's so funny because we've gone through five through
42:05
five fucking seasons of coddling Barney's ego and well, barn I don't know if
42:09
that's a good idea, and this time he's just direct. He's just like,
42:13
that's how you know he means it. It's like he doesn't beat around
42:15
the bush. No, he'll fucking kill you. Yes, you would not
42:19
even think of doing You would die. And I am going to say they
42:22
do do this joke again and in an absolute like we need to unfurl a
42:27
George Bush mission accomplished banner. They did the rule of threes. They know
42:31
you're the rule of titties. They are the rule of threes. There's a
42:35
fourth one that comes from Helen. Helly gets a point, Helen gets one.
42:40
They figured out that a joke gets funny if you do it in a
42:44
pattern. They've gone close. They've done the rule of two several times,
42:49
and they've been like, almost great. I feel like we come across as
42:54
pro save the Cat almost as much as we come across as pro cop.
42:59
And again it's just like, look, we're not saying that all jokes and
43:01
all scripts have you written this way, but we are saying they work.
43:06
And it's kind of fun watching you discover that they work. Save the cat.
43:10
While I think, um, just being a good writer is preferable to
43:15
save the cat. Save the cat is preferable to writing and crane. Save
43:22
the krat Cat is preferable to just stream of consciousness grievances about your neighbors and
43:27
people you met on the way to work and you're weird, sexual hang ups
43:31
and how you how you got turned on by getting slapped around a little bit.
43:37
Yeah, so this is this is what fucking happens, right, Barney
43:40
straight up says they have a little conversation, and then Andy goes, man,
43:45
it's weird though he wasn't into her at all until she hit him with
43:50
a ruler, and Barney goes, oh, man, you know what that
43:52
is. That's a that's a mother figure fixation. That's some medipule shit.
43:58
Sigmund Frud wrote all about this, and I guess the joke is that he
44:00
mispronounced Sigmund Freud's thing. But like Barney, knowing a little bit of psychology
44:08
has been a recurring gag throughout this entire this entire show. Every once in
44:14
a while it comes up like it's just a character mark of him. And
44:20
he's close on this one, like he gets the basic, like pop culture
44:23
eyes gist of it. I suppose, I don't know, I don't really
44:27
know my Freud, but that's what we all kind of think of Dan.
44:30
I flipped through some Freud quotes because I did read him in college, but
44:37
I haven't retained shit about shit since then, so I was like, does
44:40
this track it all? And two relevant things I found was Freud's saying that
44:46
the function of love is you are so possessed by lust that it takes away
44:53
the energy that would normally be devoted towards yourself, towards your narcissistic tendency.
45:00
That energy goes towards your sexual affection for another person, which in turn causes
45:06
you to be more altruistic, which in this case not fucking true, not
45:09
even remotely. Swinging a miss from Freud, he becomes, if anything,
45:15
worse, another thing. He says that this is not nearly as relevant,
45:21
but it is. It is a fun example of, you know, looking
45:23
at relationships through Freud. One never chooses as an object of love a woman
45:30
who is unattached, that is, a girl or independent woman, but only
45:34
one whom another man has some right or possession, whether husband, betrothed,
45:38
or near friend. In some cases, a given woman can be ignored or
45:44
even treated with contempt so long as she belongs to no other man, but
45:49
instantly becomes the objects of feelings of love as soon as she comes into a
45:52
relationship with a kind of man described with another man. So basically, just
46:00
women are only hot when uh, they're already in a relationship fucking crushing at
46:06
Sigmund Freud. Je is christ sig going his own way here is he has
46:14
four hundred quotes about like the only thing holding this world together is love.
46:17
Love is the purest thing in the entire world. But also love is only
46:22
when you want to fuck your friend's wife. To a second, I'm gonna
46:27
go go over to Reddit and see if there's an r slash sigpilled Jesus christ
46:32
Man. All right, so feel I feel like Sigmund Freud is not the
46:37
greatest example you know, to go off of here. And also I think
46:40
a lot of Sigmund Freud's theories have been debunked by later psychologists um pretty well.
46:45
But it was it was pretty much just a guy would come in and
46:49
be like, man, I keep beating my wife, and he would just
46:51
be like, well, that's because you want to fuck your mom and be
46:52
like, oh, you know, I think I want to I think I
46:55
want to fuck my friend's wife. Well, that's because you want to fuck
46:58
your mom. Like It was just kind of his his catch all for here
47:04
and and that and that's what happens here, right, and is the like
47:08
pop culture understanding of Freud, uh and Barney kind of says, Okay,
47:12
well, it's clearly like he's not in love with her. He loves her
47:15
because of his love for his mother. Right, Okay, Well, what
47:21
you weren't planning on is like this dude getting horny for his mother because barn
47:23
Because Andy goes and straight up says, hey, man, when I'm gonna
47:28
ask a personal question, did your when you were growing up, did your
47:31
mother hit you? And he looks wistfully. Ernest he looks wistfully off to
47:37
the distance. He goes, Oh, she hit me all the time.
47:40
Oh, she was a wonderful woman. Again, you can go and watch
47:45
this shit if you do not believe me. You can go on Paramount Plus
47:50
and go watch this shit if you don't if you think I'm making it up.
47:52
By the way, it's kind of funny how long we've been doing this
47:55
that The Andy Griffinth Show has now passed through three different fucking streaming services.
48:02
We started on Netflix, it went to Amazon Prime. Now it's on Paramount
48:06
Plus free again. Listen. If anybody on Paramount Plus is listening to this,
48:10
can you just do us a favor and dedicate some server space to the
48:14
Andy Griffith Show. It looks like it is being rendered on a game Boy
48:19
color. It looks like dog shit. It buffer is like a fucking quick
48:23
time video. Man, it looks like it is being displayed to me on
48:30
a light bright They move like like like a child experimenting with stop motion right
48:36
like, it looks like it looks like the Flip pages and Captain Underpan.
48:45
It looks so shitty, Paramount Plus, you're the worst fucking streaming service.
48:47
Paramount Plus. Man, please please dedicate like any bandwidth to the Andy Griffith
48:52
Show. You are CDBs. This should be important to you. Yes,
48:58
okay, I got that even said of the way. So Andy Andy takes
49:04
this man's psychology, which is being held together with rubber bands and duct tape,
49:09
and he just basically starts digging around in this guy's brain with a rusty
49:14
trowel and just being like, let me see if I can rewire this.
49:17
Maybe if I punch some stuff, you know, this will this will just
49:22
start up and he'll start being a functioning member of society. And then the
49:25
predictable outcome when he says, well, you don't love Helen Crump, she's
49:31
your mother figure, he just becomes worse, right, in every way.
49:37
And I also do want to point out before this Ernesty had gone, wait,
49:43
is she your girlfriend? And Andy is like, we are yes,
49:49
seeing each other as if he's at gunpoint, and Earnesty is like, okay,
49:52
man, cool, that's cool. Um, she's your girl. I
49:55
like you and respect you, so I'm not going to try to steal your
49:59
girl. And and he's like, all right, well that didn't solve it
50:02
enough, so let me. I mean, he does say like, I
50:06
don't want to put you out, Andy, but also I'm so I like
50:08
her so much, I love her. I can't help myself. So he's
50:12
like, that doesn't solve it. At one point, Andy is talking about
50:15
what the plan is to move forward and Ernest T. Bass announces I'm your
50:22
slave, yes, at which he calls himself Andy's slave, and he says
50:27
he says it like I'm your slave. And at that point I just threw
50:31
my hands. I was like, they have to know. They happen to
50:35
know what they're doing, right, there's no way to know. Do you'd
50:38
be one thing if they just had that in but that delivery. They know
50:42
what they're doing. Come on, tell you what happened. Like the weekend
50:46
before this episode was written ever green Bomb got his ass banked at a Hollywood
50:52
party on barbiturates. What he was doing a ritual? Have you heard of
50:57
these orgies? I attended one and I must say it was a delight.
51:01
There were some things. I came away with so much material. There were
51:06
some things. Why are you not meeting my gaze? Fritzel, Fritzel,
51:10
you look at me. You look at me when I'm talking to you.
51:15
My cup runneth over with ideas, Fritzel, and Fritzel's like, yeah,
51:17
man, I'll look you in the eyes when you take your hand out of
51:20
your pants. Fritzel, I've been going to these parties. You must come,
51:30
Prinzell. I need you to look me in the eyes or else I
51:31
can't finish. This is what Hollywood has done. I've had no wake atting
51:36
Fritzel. Do you remember when we were two fresh faced boys from Iowa come
51:40
away to the big city. Well, now I've been tied to a cross
51:45
and whipped, and I must say it was ecstatic. A woman put me
51:52
on a lash, Fritzel, and I loved it. Yeah, green Ball
51:59
is going through some shit in this episode. Man and show screapomb discovered this
52:07
week that you can pay for sex and he is having the time of his
52:09
life. Oh fuck, I really hope, I really hope that like whenever
52:17
we do get like actually outed by the Andy Griffith fan community, I hope
52:22
this is the episode they listened to. Yeah, I hope. I'm actually
52:27
I kind of am tempted to just kind of show up in there, in
52:30
there like Facebook group and just drop this one in there, you guys,
52:34
bye bye. At last, we must reveal ourselves to the Jedi, like
52:39
Andy Griffith sm episode What's Up? We drop? We just drop a recording
52:46
into the Two Tears no waiting, uh Reddit group or whatever that Facebook these
52:52
guys don't know Reddit into the Facebook, and then we go off the grid
52:57
for a couple of yeah yeah, uh, we just like go rent a
53:00
couple of like hotel rooms in undisclosed locations, and then we just let things
53:05
blow over. It seems like something you might do when like both of us
53:08
are gonna be you know, away for a little bit, say at a
53:14
large event that is happening outside of the contiguous United States. Maybe Patreon,
53:23
we raise an angry mob against us. We gotta hit like at least one
53:30
hundred and fifty subs for that before we invite death threats. Okay, so
53:37
I got my thing about the Angelists out. I really wanted to talk about
53:40
that. How does this episode wrap up? Dan? So Andy basically comes
53:45
up with the idea of listening. He's not gonna stop doing any of this.
53:50
He's he's started. He's gone from shouting outside of her house that he
53:55
wants to marry her to calling him, calling her his mom, right and
54:01
following her around and basically doing the exact same thing. But instead of screaming
54:06
wife, he's screaming mother figure right right. He's like, I'm I a
54:10
boy needs to help his mother figure. I need to help you carry things,
54:15
and I need to be your I need to be under your heels,
54:17
mummy. God damn it. It's and she goog This is like the most
54:22
overt where she like marches up to Andy and she's like, you need to
54:27
make this stop now, And I think she means call get him a prison,
54:34
please send him away for the safety of me in the greater community.
54:38
And instead he's like, I'm all right, I'll do a schame if you
54:43
wanta gotta do an old fashioned Andy Griff I'm not even calling this a con.
54:47
He's just lying. He's just lying and giving this man everything he wants,
54:53
and basically what he says is all right, so he won't stop until
54:58
he gets an education patient. So we're just going to give him a test
55:04
on extremely basic facts about geography and math that I'm going to teach him,
55:10
and then you're going to give him a diploma that says he has learned something,
55:15
to which Crump, as you mentioned earlier, basically says, this is
55:19
a horrible mockery of my career and everything I've dedicated my life towards, to
55:23
which Andy says, tough shit, and you got a better idea. Barney
55:30
is like, this is the most pathetic thing we've ever participated in, and
55:34
he just goes like, shut up, both of you, shut the fuck
55:37
up. Okay, all right, we're out of options. I'm getting my
55:40
ass kicked here. I just we just gotta do this. Can I say,
55:45
even though I don't love how Barney's like whole solution to everything is corporal
55:52
punishment. Even though I don't love that, I gotta say I really like
55:54
how Barney is. So from the very from minute one, is not on
55:59
board with any of this and is very clear about it. He's like,
56:02
we should not be involved in this at all. Come on, man,
56:06
I love how this is what earnesty bass is fourth appearance, fourth or fifth
56:12
something like that. Yeah. Yeah, And at this point Andy is basically
56:16
completely caught off guard and is on the back foot the entire time. And
56:22
at this point he should really have multiple Earnest Tea bass remediation strategies on the
56:29
books, right, rehearsed, and right. There should be a standard operating
56:32
procedure for this. They should be doing Earnest Tea bass drills on a monthly
56:38
basis. They should. They need to. They need to like like dress
56:44
up Floyd in a dirty vest in a paperboy cap and have him throw like
56:49
foam rocks as through the town. Oh it's me, it's me Earnest Oh
56:55
yeah, and then you should This basically justifies their budget because they'd be like,
57:01
all right, we need trank darts, strong ones. Uh, we
57:07
need like trading procedures. They should basically be preparing for this the way like
57:12
towns in Florida prepare for hurricanes. They should basically turn Barney into like General
57:17
Everett Ross, hunting down the incredible hulk like that is how, that is
57:22
how they need to approach this shit. They yeah, this should be earnest
57:27
tea bass should be sixty to eighty percent of the Mayberry Police Department's budget.
57:32
Um, it should just be this. So but no, he his So
57:38
they go through with Andy's plan. Helen Crump's eyes are screaming through the entirety
57:45
of it. She's just like, I did a little dance that shows I
57:49
can count numbers. And she's like uh huh uh huh, and like her
57:53
heart is fucking breaking the entire time. It's horrible. And then they give
57:59
him his diploma. He does a little speech about how like thankful he is.
58:04
That is like kind of sweet. He's basically like, oh, you
58:07
know, I'm nothing, and you guys like we're patient with me and believed
58:10
in me, which except now it's gross, except now it's more like now
58:15
it's more like I'm a worm. Oh daddy, Andy, I'm a bad
58:22
boy. I shouldn't you shouldn't be around me. Oh this isn't. This
58:32
is the grossiest thing I've ever done on this podcast. I was gonna say,
58:37
do you remember the other week when I did a sexy voice and you
58:39
were like, that's horrible, and you made everybody hear that. Well,
58:44
it's your turn, and yours was so much worse than mine. I feel
58:49
really bad about like I did. I did late night radio DJ at a
58:53
college show, and you just did that, bro, I didn't. I
58:58
didn't like that at all. No, and you're not allowed to edit it.
59:01
Absolutely not. I've been talking about it too long. So yeah.
59:10
So, and then he's gone, presumably off to go like woo the woman
59:16
he came here for. Yes, Basically the plan is like, all right,
59:21
now he has everything he needs to show the woman that he originally loves,
59:25
that he is educated and worthy of her. And then they cut back
59:30
to the lunch conversation, which the second time around is really the most depressing
59:37
thing I've ever fucking heard, because it is just such a perfect picture of
59:43
the mundanity of life, where they're just like, where do you want to
59:45
eat for lunch? Man? Do you want to eat at the diner?
59:49
No? I don't want to eat the fucking diner again. I'm so sick
59:51
the diner. All right. Well, then the other place where he need
59:53
is the pharmacy. Oh god, I don't want to need at the pharmacy.
59:57
I hate the way the food taste of the pharmacy. Well, we
59:59
just does you the diner man? All right, let's do the fucking diner.
1:00:04
That's the That's the entire conversation. It kind of it's so sad.
1:00:07
Lets you know that there are only two options in Maybury unless they drive out
1:00:12
of town to wherever it doesn't want eed it works, yeah, and they
1:00:15
hate both of them to varying degrees um. And then in that rock through
1:00:22
the window hard cut like a fucking horror movie because of course that didn't work
1:00:30
right, because why would of course it was still She didn't send him away
1:00:36
to get a diploma. She sent him away to learn how to read.
1:00:38
He still doesn't actually know how to read. She could have just said like,
1:00:44
okay, well here's any sentence. Can you read this? And he
1:00:46
would have just been like, I know geography, tap tap tap tap tap
1:00:51
hot cha and she would have been like, okay, well bye. So
1:01:00
it worked out very predictably, and I'm assuming that they just did this whole
1:01:06
thing again forever until death. This is this is the second to last appearance
1:01:10
of Ernest t. By the way, he's not going to appear at all,
1:01:14
we're free of him for the rest of the season, and then he'll
1:01:16
appear one more time in season six. Oh, he makes his return for
1:01:22
the Color Era. Yeah. Ratings, um ratings, Andy Meter, I'm
1:01:29
actually gonna put it at like an eight. Me too, That's where I
1:01:32
was going with. It's really fuck it's it's a funny episode. It's definitely.
1:01:38
It's honestly, the the he'd kill you joke is legitimately a great joke.
1:01:45
It's a great joke. Like I said, I like Howard Morris's performance
1:01:49
in this. Yeah, it's you know, it is the most human that
1:01:53
we've seen Ernest t. I like, I liked everything that was going on
1:01:59
here. It's just no ideadn't Yeah, no, it was okay. That's
1:02:05
the kind of thing is so okay, Andy Meter high, Barney Meter also
1:02:08
high. It's one of those ones where it's as funny and entertaining as it
1:02:14
is morally reprehensible or just upsetting. Really. Yeah, I don't know if
1:02:21
I don't know what you could say in terms of in terms of psychic damage,
1:02:25
like long term lasting damage, I don't know, man, listen,
1:02:29
no, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry. Sorry,
1:02:30
let's let's reframe it. Let's reframe it, because I think there is a
1:02:31
case for it. Take a little kid, put them in front of this
1:02:36
episode of TV. You think they're coming away a better person. No,
1:02:45
that kid's getting worse, either a little or a lot, depending on how
1:02:51
how well the concept of love and punishment see through their brain. That kid's
1:02:57
walking away with a rough idea of S and M. And if it's tied
1:03:00
to ernest he bast's grinning face. All right, right, here's for the
1:03:05
purposes of this episode. Of this episode alone, I propose that we replace
1:03:08
using your metric does this child? Is this child better or worse? We
1:03:13
replaced to the Fife meter with the Rabbit Heroin Addict meter. Yea on a
1:03:20
scale of one to Rabbit Heroin Addict. Where does this land? I'm gonna
1:03:23
say it's better than a Rabbit Heroin Addict, but not by much. It
1:03:30
I think it, And now I'm not allowed. Now I'm not allowed to
1:03:34
cut the Rabbit Heroin Addict bit from earlier. I was going to cut that
1:03:37
naked patron only, but now I can't. I think I think it does
1:03:42
much more damage than the Rabbit Heroin Addict because it's basically it's basically it's basically
1:03:50
baby's first guide to psycho sexual domination. Like it's like like a little can
1:03:55
watch it and just goes like, oh, okay, so I'm supposed to
1:03:59
get turned on when a woman hits me. Got it? Got it?
1:04:01
Got it? And also and that means I should throw things at our house.
1:04:04
Okay? Cool? Cool? Cool. So I'm just gonna do a
1:04:09
quick thing list of things that are interconnected being horny when someone hits me,
1:04:13
got it, identifying women as my mother, got it, stalking, got
1:04:17
it? All right? Cool? These things are all interconnected in my young
1:04:20
forming brain. Fucking this is. This is some batk killer shit. This
1:04:28
is fucked. This is. I'm not saying that this is everything you need
1:04:34
to make to make a serial killer, but this is a good start.
1:04:40
I mean it may not be everything you need, but it's like the it's
1:04:44
the starter package. Yeah, it's it's the first pack of Pokemon cards you
1:04:48
get to make a very good deck. You get you get a couple of
1:04:55
you get a Pikachu, a couple of Charmanders, some energy cards. You're
1:04:59
on your way. He as always, you can find us on the internet.
1:05:03
I'm gonna have to stop saying as always. Break Mayberry on Twitter,
1:05:08
Breaking Mayberry on Instagram. Breaking Maybery Fans is our Facebook group. Email Let's
1:05:14
breaking Maybe at gmail dot com. Support us with your money dollars to get
1:05:16
access to extended episode, bonus material, make us watch things, etc.
1:05:23
Etc. Patreon dot com slash Breaking Maybury. Remember eight dollars a month gets
1:05:26
you everything. I actually have a plug to do. Our friend Charlie Nash
1:05:33
recently started a podcast called Almost Major where they review movies of midsized midsized studios
1:05:43
like like lions Gate. One of their movies is The Punisher. What a
1:05:47
movie that we fucking we love. We love this movie and Charlie does not.
1:05:53
Charlie, they rip it to shreds. It makes them very unhappy.
1:05:57
So you know, if you want to get like the others eight of the
1:06:00
opinion, their dog My episode is also pretty great. All right, so
1:06:03
check that out. We'll link that below. Thanks for listening, everybody.
1:06:06
This was I'm not gonna say it was fun, but this was. This
1:06:11
was an episode. We'll see you all next time. Down to the fishing
1:06:14
hole. A boo boo boo boo boo