Latest / Sip Happens / Friendships Motherhood- S2 Episode 4

Transcript

Friendships Motherhood- S2 Episode 4 · Sip Happens

0:00
I'm Alexandra. I am Lynn.
0:02
I'm Rose and this is set Happens.
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We wanted to just give you a heads up.
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This podcast is all for fun and entertainment.
0:10
We are sharing our own thoughts and stories, not professional
0:14
advice. So relax, enjoy and don't take
0:17
us too seriously. Let's get this started.
0:20
Welcome to SO. Happens.
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What's in your cup today, ladies?
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How about you? Lynn, I am having a sparkling
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soda water with some great juice today.
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So I felt like I needed some juice.
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And then I have those, you know, peppered ice I'm enjoying
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because it's getting hot here in Florida.
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How about you, Rosie? I am drinking water.
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Because apparently I am severely dehydrated, I've only been
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drinking like one or two cups of water a day.
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So we're up in the Watergate. One or two cups a day.
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Yes, it's been really bad these last few days.
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I'm actually having water with a splash of orange juice.
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Came back from traveling for work and I need to up my my
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hydration game because that was not on point.
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Today we get to talk about friendships.
1:11
Friendships after motherhood. Like pre versus post, however
1:15
you want to look at it. So let's start with a question.
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I'm looking at you, Lynn. Do you think our friendships are
1:21
strong or just convenient? Before and after motherhood.
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I think when it comes before motherhood, a lot of it
1:30
definitely is convenience because of lifestyle.
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We're so different than, you know, after motherhood was.
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What about quantity? Not so much about quality.
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You're having fun, you're doing your weekly things, going to
1:45
school, going to work, going to college and like whoever is
1:49
around getting just hang up with them to go out at night and, you
1:52
know, priority shift. You have a baby.
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I got pregnant expectedly, and my circle of friends were party
2:00
people. I was a server, I was a
2:03
bartender and I was a student nursing student.
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So things definitely changed a lot and there are a lot of
2:11
filtering throughout what who your true friends are.
2:15
And it definitely brought some challenges up and I lost some
2:18
friends along the way because priorities shift.
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What about you, Rosie? I think it's a little bit of
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bubbles, strong and convenient. Or maybe there's different
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groups because definitely like I had some friends like my.
2:31
Closest. Best friends.
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We have really strong friendships that have lasted
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through the test of time and all the phases.
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But I also feel that when friendships are convenient, like
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it's really convenient that we live really close to each other,
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you guys are my friends and it makes it easier to be
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intentional. Would that make sense?
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It feels like a little bit harder when people are further
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away. I tell people my friends live on
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my phone because it's on state, it's on different countries.
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But I'm also very picky. Like it has to be a strong
3:01
friendship. And I mean, convenience sounds
3:03
to me like easy or like I'm taking advantage, if that makes
3:08
sense. And I don't feel like my
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friendships have to be convenient.
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I think for me it's a little bit of bug convenience because pre
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it was like a timing maybe kind of thing where it's like, hey,
3:20
what are we doing, let's make it happen.
3:22
It was easier to just be like, Hey, I'm making the decision,
3:28
right, because I'm thinking even host right now.
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I'm married like this, all factors.
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I have kids like things needs to be planned and pre was just the
3:36
flexibility of it. And I think that's where the
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strength kind of ties a little bit because, you know, we'd
3:41
build those friendships hoping that those season, whatever the
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shift that's happening doesn't really discourage that.
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It doesn't break that bog. So I think it just depends on
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who that friend is and that's kind of where it ties into like
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some friends permit to be seasonal.
3:57
So if that's a true friend, it should survive pre and post it
4:00
wouldn't matter. So I think I'm going to go back
4:03
to, I have a little bit of both of that because I've been to
4:07
different season where I've moved from Haiti.
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I traveled a lot. Yes, I'm a nomad.
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I traveled a lot and I have different friends and not a lot
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of them made it and some are very strong.
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The call out for me is making sure that we can recognize it.
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In my 20s, I had no idea, I had no awareness.
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I've went through so many friendship breakups and
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especially being young at the time, I had no idea what it was,
4:30
but looking back was seasonal. It was never meant to evolve and
4:35
carry on with me post motherhood and stuff.
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Because I'm looking at you guys right now.
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I know our friendship is established, right?
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I cannot believe it's already been a year.
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But I do know the foundation like Oval Friendship.
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I know in my gut it's not a seasonal thing and I'm so
4:51
thankful for it. But I'm thinking of like when I
4:53
was younger in middle school and I had this friend because I went
4:57
to all girl Catholic school. So we kind of grew up with each
5:00
other, We've known each other and our friendship fell apart
5:04
along the way. And even in college, I still get
5:07
asked the question by some of my friends, like what happened?
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I honestly, I generally don't remember, but I remember that
5:14
moment I was hurt and whatever it was like we tried to connect
5:18
again. As I got older, it just never
5:19
clicked. It was one of those like it just
5:21
fade away. It wasn't meant to be and I had
5:23
to let it go. But a lot of people struggle
5:25
with that. So All in all, trying to say is
5:28
yes, it's OK for the friendship to evolve, especially like as
5:32
we're getting older and we have different stuff going in our
5:36
lives. Like we have babies now you have
5:37
teenagers and you know, it's, it's beautiful because now I
5:41
have my friend, my best friend that I look that I met in
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college and we went through not the hurdle of breakup, but just
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adjusting because we're in different states.
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She's on my phone. We connect every day.
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But the beauty of it is that the timing we have kids together.
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So we we are very intentional on like talking, connecting and
6:00
meeting up and having all kids interact and it takes work.
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It's a two way St. It can't just be all on me.
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Like we both have to make the decision that we're going to
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work at it. What I put you in.
6:11
Yes, I definitely agree that some friends are just meant to
6:15
be seasonal and some friends are going to get through the test of
6:19
time, right. So for example, friendships and
6:24
you know, girlfriend breakups. When I was when I got pregnant,
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I had a roommate and after she found out that I was pregnant,
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it was almost like a clean cut, like she's done a little about
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and this is my life and she was not willing to be a part of it
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and she was gone. And I was very bitter about it
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for a long time because, you know, she was, I thought she was
6:47
my ride and die. We lived together.
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We had a very close war. So we went to college together.
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And then I changed going into a nursing school.
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But we lived together and worked together at the Irish Club.
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And it was just something that I didn't think would happen.
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And then there are other friendships, like one of my best
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friends, she was there when we she was going to medical school.
7:12
She's a dentist, dental surgeon now.
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But she went to go to our pub and we were friends in the
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clubbing scene and the club scene, bartender scene.
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But when I got pregnant and you know how it is, things are just
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uncertain. Whether you planned or not.
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It's always a big uncertainty and it's scary.
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And she was there every step of the way.
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And our friendship just grew stronger.
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And she was the person who stood by me through everything, even
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though she was not in a relationship at that time.
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She didn't have kids at that time, but she was there.
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And not long after, she met somebody, got married, had
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babies. And, you know, we are still best
7:58
friends. But sometimes we go through
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times when we don't talk to each other.
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And it's crazy because, you know, we love each other so much
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because she lives in Germany. I live here in Florida.
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We don't talk for like months, but whenever we talk it's like
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nothing has changed. Whenever I go back to Germany,
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we're like kissing, hugging each other and cry every time when we
8:20
have to leave each other. And those are friendships that I
8:24
know no matter what happens I can move to the end of the
8:27
world. We can only see each other every
8:29
10 years but we will always be connected with each other.
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So yes, there are friendships that you are have to let go and
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be OK with it, that it was just seasonal and it was good for the
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time that it lasted. And then there are friendships
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that you know no matter what happens, it will just be so
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strong and stable. It will able to last forever,
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whatever that means. I like to call it some
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friendships just doesn't survive the adjustment.
8:59
Exactly what about you Rosie? Do you have something so?
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I do. You made me think about
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friendships that evolve and the ones that is didn't make it.
9:07
While you're talking about your friend Lynn.
9:09
My first best friend is my cousin, of course, because
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that's who you're hanging out with when you're kids and you're
9:15
not going to school. She is definitely my bestie, but
9:19
she became military wife so we don't hang out as often.
9:23
We don't talk as often is. She in the same state.
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She's not. She's in Germany at this moment.
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We saw each other during my trip to Puerto Rico this past
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December. We had not seen each other since
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2019. We'll chat, we'll do some calls
9:42
on Instagram, like just those live calls or whatever, but we
9:47
never stay in touch as much as we would like to.
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But we do pick up and I, you made me think of her because we
9:53
were really close in grade school, but then she moved to
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Puerto Rico before I did. In Puerto Rico, we reconnect
9:59
again. We spent a lot of time until
10:01
high school and then in college, we drifted apart just living
10:04
different lifestyles. And it was just so interesting
10:07
that along the way, like we still pick up wherever we were
10:09
left off. We talked about we were minutes
10:11
about the past and of course, we are cousins.
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So it makes sense that it would evolve and it wouldn't
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necessarily be seasonal. But I disagree because we have a
10:20
big family and there's a lot of cousins that I don't talk to at
10:23
all, right? So this is like my person that
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has evolved with me. Even though at some point it was
10:29
seasonal, at the same time, like it feels like it's both
10:31
together. Along the way, you guys talked
10:34
about college and in college, I feel like I was the flakiest
10:38
friend ever. In hindsight, I see that now.
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In that moment, I just felt I was being confident, putting
10:46
myself first, boundaries, things that people talk about that
10:49
could be positive. But I also have friends along
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the way that still stuck with me that we would just hang out.
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It was convenient at that time because we didn't have a lot of
10:58
responsibilities. But I also met up with a couple
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of friends in Puerto Rico that we were just like, hang out
11:04
friends, let's go have some drinks.
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We pick up again. Even though our lives have
11:09
changed and now we have families, we have kids, and that
11:12
has also been nice to see. There was one person that I
11:15
didn't go visit or even make an intention to go hang out with in
11:19
my last trip to Puerto Rico. And that one I'm still mourning.
11:22
That was a seasonal friend that we started connecting very close
11:26
to the time before I moved to the States in 2018.
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I think that was we tried to stay connected, but it really
11:35
has to be bug ways. So I felt like it just wasn't
11:38
there. And when people don't show up, I
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stopped showing up. And that season off when I am
11:43
still mourning because we had just recently met, I would say
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like a year before we were on and off.
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You know, we had been hanging out for a few months together.
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I really liked her. We traveled, we had some great
11:55
times. And I'm sad that that one didn't
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evolve. Yeah.
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And that we've just their separate ways and the interest
12:02
wasn't there to keep it alive. So I think that's just both we
12:05
evolve. If there's intention both ways,
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I would say the phone works both ways, right?
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Like it can't just be me. It works the same way on your on
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your side. Well, I think to your point
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then, it kind of reminds me that it's OK to grieve too.
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We don't talk about it, but recognizing that it's OK,
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calling it a breakup and just going to that grieving moment
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and accepting it is OK because for me, As for motherhood, yes I
12:29
was. I've always been very selective,
12:32
but mother would just change you.
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It's something I'm happy to share now, but I didn't even
12:36
know about it until I had kids because a lot of my friends that
12:40
had babies, I was always the youngest of my friends group.
12:43
Well, most of them. And I remember when I moved to.
12:46
Florida. I have met this different
12:48
friends and they were older, they had kids and I was involved
12:52
like the birthdays, the celebrations.
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But I vividly remember one of them being pregnant and in my
12:57
mind that meant you just need time.
12:59
While like during the pregnancy we met up for coffee and we did
13:02
all those like connections and stuff.
13:05
But once she had the baby, in my mind, I truly believe she
13:08
needed. And I'm telling you right now,
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if you don't know, no check on your friends, check on your
13:13
friends because it's so important.
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And I'm very grateful. Till today, we're still friends.
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Yes, the dynamic of it has changed.
13:22
We don't live in the same county anymore.
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It is a drive. But I do know she'll show up.
13:27
She's that friend that we can connect.
13:28
We still tax and checking in and that's okay.
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So I think, well, if you think about your friends, I'm not
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saying you need to have 30 friends and hey, if you can
13:38
handle that, that's power to you.
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That's a lot of energy for me, but just be selective, you know,
13:42
with your friends. My, my son is in school now in
13:46
daycare and I'm learning to have my circle of the Mamas that pay
13:50
attention to what's going on with the, you know, with the
13:53
school I pick up drop off or hey, a reminder of, you know,
13:56
make sure you apply for VPK or whatnot and learning that
14:00
because we're all on that journey together.
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But I also have my crew where it's like we went to college
14:05
together. We can go back and, and, and,
14:07
and talk and connect. And I if we really want to go
14:10
back. I have this one friend, she we
14:13
actually went to school in Haiti and we broke up and something
14:17
happened in college and we broke up or fell apart until I believe
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maybe a couple months before my wedding, we reconnected.
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It ties back to the person that knows me since I was this little
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girl till date and we don't talk every day, but when we connect,
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we have laughs like we enjoy each other.
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And that's where the work comes into play because she put in the
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work to build this friendship that we have today.
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And I mistake that for a seasonal because I really
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thought we were done until I was like, wow, she's she, she's
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reaching out, she's checking it, she's being intentional.
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She actually came to my wedding. And that to me was the biggest
14:56
eye opener because I'm like you travel to support me.
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True friendship here, you don't have to work so hard at it
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either. Friendship should not be that
15:04
complicated. And I've seen so many friends or
15:07
so many people that call themselves a friend and the
15:11
expectations and trying to hold on to make things work.
15:14
And I'm just like, I don't know if that's there's no value here.
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I don't know if it's supposed to be this this hard, especially as
15:20
mom. I'm always tired.
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Like no I don't. I don't have a kind of energy.
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I need a lot of grace. And the text is fine.
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I may text you 2 days later, but I'm thinking about you.
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That should be enough. I like the topic about grace
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because I go Mia. I feel bad, I feel guilt, but my
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true friends always give me grace.
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But it's OK Mama, I know you're going through a lot.
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Most of my friends and family have older kids like linens and
15:46
like that season is rough. I get it.
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And to your point, I when my friend started having kids I
15:53
didn't show up either because I thought I had nothing to bring
15:56
to the team. Wait, I have no experience in
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motherhood. Like what can I do?
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There's nothing I can do. I learned that was a mistake,
16:04
not a mistake. I guess it's a lesson learned
16:06
because then people that don't have kids would show up to my
16:09
life when I had Thiago and it was so encouraging.
16:13
It was so helpful. How can I?
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Help you. Can I send you meals?
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Can I do this? I'm like I didn't even know what
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I would need. And I'd have to show up just to
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be there, and that counts too. You don't have to bring
16:25
something up. So now.
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I show up to my friends or work colleagues and I'm like, hey,
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how can I help? My favorite gift for like baby
16:33
showers or welcome baby. Here's a.
16:35
DoorDash gift card because I felt so tired I couldn't but but
16:40
yeah, so that when you were talking about that, that's what
16:42
I was thinking. I was like, I totally abandoned
16:44
my friends when they were having babies because I simply didn't
16:48
feel that's what they needed. Thankfully, I have been
16:51
forgiven. Now they give me all the baby
16:54
Mama tips, especially when Piag was sick.
16:56
That first year was so rough and I was posting things on social
16:59
media because I didn't have a village here in Florida.
17:03
All my family's in Puerto Rico and a lot of my friends have
17:06
older kids that don't remember. So my friends do have the
17:10
younger kids were like do this if he's going through this to
17:14
XYZ. And that was so like my village
17:16
lives online and that was so helpful.
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I'll just pay it forward now for the patience I need.
17:22
Brace I will be. Lots of brace.
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You don't respond to me for like the week.
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I will probably message you to make sure you're OK.
17:28
Between grace and moms brain, which I'm learning is a thing I
17:32
need, I need also just be patient with us and be patient
17:36
with yourself because mom guilt and especially when you're
17:41
looking at like the friendship you had before, you're trying so
17:44
hard to keep up with it. If that makes sense.
17:46
Where you're like, oh, you know, I used to text her every
17:49
Wednesday. And then you have the baby and
17:51
you went through that season or you got married and things
17:54
changed. Just it's OK to change.
17:56
Just if it's meant to be, it will work out.
17:59
Absolutely. I totally agree.
18:01
And I was coming back, back to my thought to surround yourself
18:05
with people. You guys fill my cup and it's I
18:08
just want to say thank you again and want to express my gratitude
18:14
for our friendship because not only are we flourishing in our
18:19
relationship now, our husbands, our friends too, and our kids,
18:25
our friends as well. And it's just clicking on every
18:28
little aspect, not only our neighbors, Mamas and friends, it
18:33
just is clicking in every little corner and every little aspect.
18:37
And I'm just very grateful that we have a friendship that is
18:41
just growing and flourishing and doing all.
18:45
Things. For the.
18:46
Future. I think the last question I'll
18:49
ask is do you miss it? The preview if that makes sense?
18:52
Pre motherhood friendship. Do you find yourself sometimes
18:55
wondering? I know I don't have time.
18:58
I can't process it. I grieve because I can't grieve
19:02
forever. So I have to be able to move on.
19:04
And I guess my processing has been I have to move on.
19:08
I'm like, I love this that we have that we're building in yes,
19:11
Lin or husbands. Oh my goodness, they connect,
19:14
they plan things always. Then I'm like, you guys just
19:17
texting each other. I feel like we're, I'm being
19:19
left out from the group chat, but it's it's beautiful because,
19:23
you know, they're interacting with each other and our kids,
19:27
you know, with you, Rosie. Oh my goodness.
19:29
Every time. I promise you, you have those
19:32
phones, those imaginary phone calls to Tiago's house and I'm
19:36
like, OK, should I be texting them right now and check in?
19:39
Or Chloe? You know how that is like she
19:41
comes here and like I said, she takes care of my boys.
19:46
They love her. Like I said, I am very, very
19:49
grateful. A year now where I think we're
19:52
stronger than ever and I'm so, so thankful we decided to do
19:55
this podcast and that we're able to share what we've learned and
19:59
what we're learning, and hopefully you guys can relate.
20:02
It's like 1 of like my old self misses it but it does.
20:06
It wouldn't work nowadays anymore.
20:08
So I guess, you know, you look back and, and it's nostalgia,
20:13
but not something that I actively would say like this
20:17
because it's, it's OK to move on and you grow up and it's OK to
20:21
let go. Look at that.
20:22
It's OK to let go. Like give us give ourselves the
20:25
permission to do so. And if you're young and
20:28
listening to this, then it'll be OK.
20:31
You people will find you. That's the word that was coming
20:34
to mind for me. I do look at the past with a lot
20:36
of nostalgia and depending on the friend I had that I'm
20:40
reminiscing on, if it was a long friendship, I was like, I'm glad
20:43
I made time for that. But once it's a friend that I
20:46
didn't spend too much time, I was like, oh, I wish I would
20:48
have spent more time there. But I'd be like you'd say I
20:50
don't have a lot of time in energy.
20:52
So I entertained that for a very brief moment for. 5 seconds.
20:56
Because we want to live in the present.
20:58
And then I'm glad that I have friends now that I've made along
21:01
the way in the different season of my life.
21:03
And we do those things now like we do that together.
21:06
I have a few friends that I do it outside.
21:09
When I go on my travel go back to Puerto Rico, we do reconnect
21:12
my coffee dates. I'm friends for coffee dates and
21:15
we just do it again, but missing it.
21:17
I just miss like that memory. It would not work.
21:20
It's a different era. I'm so busy like the time that
21:23
is available is not like before when I would be clocking out of
21:27
work. I was like, hey, do you want to
21:28
meet up for coffee? Sure.
21:29
I'm eating the office too great. How convenient.
21:31
It doesn't look like we're down. I'm clocking out of work.
21:34
It's time to do dinner time and bedtime.
21:37
But. Not in that order.
21:40
So that's my take on that. My wrap up was Yunus, surround
21:46
yourself with your people, fill your cup and not drain your
21:50
energy and you guys are it. Now we want to hear from you.
21:54
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