Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Never Fight, “Not Once” - Is That Healthy?

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Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Never Fight, “Not Once” - Is That Healthy? · I Do, Part 2

0:02
Speaker 1: Hey, they're folks. It is Saturday, December sixth. Couples who
0:08
Speaker 1: don't fight? Should we envy them? Should we feel sorry
0:14
Speaker 1: for them? Should we be trying to be like them?
0:18
Speaker 1: Is that the question? Today? Robes on this Saturday, Welcome
0:23
Speaker 1: to this episode of Amy and TJ. Robes this idea.
0:25
Speaker 1: It sounds great. Couples who don't fight. George Cloonian his.
0:30
Speaker 2: Wife, they don't fight, sounds amazing.
0:32
Speaker 1: Taylor Swift and her fiance Trevisent Derek, Travis Kelsey, they
0:35
Speaker 1: don't fight.
0:36
Speaker 2: What would it be like to be them?
0:38
Speaker 1: Shouldn't we all aspire to that? Don't we all want
0:44
Speaker 1: to avoid fighting with our significant other?
0:47
Speaker 2: Well? I think you just said it in a way
0:52
Speaker 2: where the most important word of that last sentence you
0:55
Speaker 2: uttered was avoid. Okay, because look, I yes, like everyone
1:03
Speaker 2: who read the headlines this week, Travis Kelcey and George
1:07
Speaker 2: Clooney talking on Travis's podcast about how neither one of
1:13
Speaker 2: them fight with their significant other.
1:17
Speaker 1: Now, this came out a while back with George Clooney
1:19
Speaker 1: and the Mall Clooney right several months back, but they
1:22
Speaker 1: said they have never once correct.
1:25
Speaker 2: He said, in the last ten years, to be specific,
1:29
Speaker 2: they have not had one fight in the last ten years.
1:37
Speaker 2: How does that sound to you?
1:41
Speaker 1: I'm curious. I have questions that we will get into,
1:45
Speaker 1: and one of those is what the definition of a
1:49
Speaker 1: fight is? Are we all in agreement on what that is? Now?
1:53
Speaker 1: Tell folks what and you got more specifics here? What
1:56
Speaker 1: did Travis Kelsey say?
1:58
Speaker 2: Okay? Actually have the exchange. So this happened actually this
2:02
Speaker 2: week on Travis Kelsey's podcast with his brother, and they
2:07
Speaker 2: had George Clooney on as a guest, and Travis actually
2:12
Speaker 2: was pressing George Clooney about this comment he made earlier
2:17
Speaker 2: this year that went viral where he said he has
2:20
Speaker 2: not fought with his wife Aamal in more than ten years.
2:24
Speaker 2: So he was like, come on, is that real? Like
2:27
Speaker 2: he was pushing him, but at the same time, he
2:31
Speaker 2: also admitted that he is in the same boat as
2:35
Speaker 2: George Clooney. So here is what the back and forth was.
2:39
Speaker 2: So he was pressing him and then he said, well,
2:42
Speaker 2: it's only been two and a half years, and you're right,
2:45
Speaker 2: I haven't gotten into an argument never once. Okay, that
2:50
Speaker 2: is what Travis Kelsey said about his relationship with Taylor Swift.
2:55
Speaker 2: I haven't gotten into an argument? Never wont Okay, we.
3:00
Speaker 1: Need to get some base definitions and rules here what
3:03
Speaker 1: we're talking about. Because the idea that two human beings
3:06
Speaker 1: who spend that much time together home together don't have
3:10
Speaker 1: a disagreement, it's impossible. That's fair, right, I.
3:15
Speaker 2: Would think so?
3:17
Speaker 1: Uh huh.
3:17
Speaker 2: But he didn't say disagreement or fight. He said, haven't
3:21
Speaker 2: gotten into an argument?
3:23
Speaker 1: Argument?
3:23
Speaker 2: Okay, he didn't say haven't gotten into a fight. He
3:25
Speaker 2: actually used the word argument, which I think is different
3:28
Speaker 2: than fight.
3:28
Speaker 1: What's the distinction between a fight and an argument?
3:30
Speaker 2: I feel like an argument could be an exchange of
3:35
Speaker 2: ideas that are not aligned with one another, you're disagreeing.
3:39
Speaker 2: A fight, I feel like, might mean yelling or a
3:44
Speaker 2: heated exchange or something that's emotional. An argument, I feel like,
3:48
Speaker 2: could be a level headed disagreement.
3:52
Speaker 1: Okay. Can a couple have a fight short of the emotion,
3:59
Speaker 1: short of yelling, short of the things we are accustomed
4:02
Speaker 1: to being a fight to somebody sleeping on a couch,
4:05
Speaker 1: to being cold in the house for a little while.
4:08
Speaker 1: Can you do that thing with a disagreement? Take out
4:13
Speaker 1: all those elements, and do we not call it a fight?
4:16
Speaker 1: Still is the disagreement of itself constitute a fight between
4:22
Speaker 1: a couple.
4:24
Speaker 2: I think this is semantics obviously, yes, and I so yes,
4:29
Speaker 2: And that is what some people have asked, like they
4:31
Speaker 2: want to know more, We need more information. Are you
4:34
Speaker 2: saying you never disagree or are you saying it never
4:38
Speaker 2: gets to a place where you actually have hurt feelings?
4:41
Speaker 2: So either way, I find that to be almost surreal.
4:44
Speaker 1: You said that earlier hurt feelings is I think an
4:47
Speaker 1: important element to a fight. Yes, no matter how calm
4:51
Speaker 1: everybody is, if hurt feelings are involved with somebody you love,
4:56
Speaker 1: where this is the fight?
4:57
Speaker 2: Babe. You do not raise your voice, extremely rare. I
5:01
Speaker 2: think maybe one time I've heard in three years and
5:05
Speaker 2: it was only for a nanosecond, and you even apologize
5:09
Speaker 2: for raising you You do not raise your voice. There
5:11
Speaker 2: is no yelling or screaming when it comes to you.
5:15
Speaker 2: There's no visceral emotional reaction coming from you. However, my
5:21
Speaker 2: feelings have been incredibly hurt and your feelings have been hurt. Now, yes,
5:25
Speaker 2: those are fights we have had. We have had fights.
5:28
Speaker 2: I actually so I'm curious. I actually want to ask
5:31
Speaker 2: you this. We haven't had this conversation ahead of time.
5:33
Speaker 2: I was doing the math from the moment we were together.
5:37
Speaker 2: How long before you would say we had our first
5:42
Speaker 2: whatever fight disagreement where we both had hurt feelings and
5:46
Speaker 2: were scared, like, oh no, this isn't going well. Three months,
5:51
Speaker 2: that's exactly what? Yes? Yeah, so three months, Okay, we
5:57
Speaker 2: are in agreement. That's amazing. I actually feel so comfort.
6:00
Speaker 2: Didn't buy that. I actually was like d D doing
6:04
Speaker 2: the math. I'm like, three months, yes, and so, yes,
6:08
Speaker 2: we had our first disagreement, argument, fight, whatever.
6:13
Speaker 1: Holy hell? What have we done? Scared?
6:15
Speaker 2: Yes, I'm so scared. I thought I knew this person?
6:18
Speaker 2: Who is this person? Why am I? Yes? Three months
6:22
Speaker 2: to hear that? A very public couple who've had a
6:30
Speaker 2: long history of other relationships, so it's not like their
6:33
Speaker 2: newbies or young they don't know any better. Had been
6:36
Speaker 2: together for two and a half years. You and I
6:37
Speaker 2: have been together for three years, and they he said,
6:41
Speaker 2: we have never gotten into an argument, and then he
6:44
Speaker 2: doubled down, never once. That to me is a shocking statement.
6:50
Speaker 1: It is, but shouldn't that be something we all aspire to? Now?
6:54
Speaker 1: Let me be flippant, Let me be the cynic Let
6:58
Speaker 1: me be the social media, latrol out there, or you
7:02
Speaker 1: look at this and you're dismissive. Well, of course, yet
7:04
Speaker 1: your life is perfect. You're a super Bowl champion, you're
7:07
Speaker 1: the biggest pop star in the world. Everything is taking
7:10
Speaker 1: care of Everything is lovely. All you have to do
7:12
Speaker 1: is focus on each other. That what is there to
7:14
Speaker 1: disagree about? Which island we're going to go to, which
7:17
Speaker 1: private resort is going to be rented out for us.
7:20
Speaker 2: Money takes care of everything.
7:21
Speaker 1: It takes care of these these things. You are able
7:25
Speaker 1: to live a charmed life and don't have challenges that
7:29
Speaker 1: other relationships might, including we have to move here from
7:33
Speaker 1: my job, our kids are gonna have to do this,
7:35
Speaker 1: how are we gonna pay for this? We don't have
7:38
Speaker 1: these problems. We don't even have problems with the holidays.
7:40
Speaker 1: Do we go to your family and my family? No,
7:42
Speaker 1: Let's just fly all of our families here to us.
7:45
Speaker 2: Right, there's some amazing Greek island. Let's just all end
7:49
Speaker 2: up there, right.
7:50
Speaker 1: And I heard someone made that argument in an article
7:53
Speaker 1: that was criticizing George Clooney. I was like, well, yeah,
7:57
Speaker 1: I guess I wouldn't have an argument either from my
8:00
Speaker 1: house on Lake Como. Yes, everything is great and it
8:03
Speaker 1: could possibly be now for the sake of everybody else Robes,
8:10
Speaker 1: this is not normal. This is not from the professional
8:16
Speaker 1: in this field healthy.
8:19
Speaker 2: Okay exactly. So I was fascinated by this. It is
8:25
Speaker 2: important for me to say the next part of the
8:29
Speaker 2: conversation that happened between Travis Kelcey and George Clooney.
8:34
Speaker 1: Oh this what you filled me in the kitchen that
8:36
Speaker 1: got us going. Yes, folks, we actually stopped each other.
8:40
Speaker 1: We said stop talking because we got into it so
8:43
Speaker 1: heated after you gave me this line that we said, Okay,
8:46
Speaker 1: we need to go record right now.
8:47
Speaker 2: I think this next line that came out of George
8:50
Speaker 2: Clooney's mouth speaks volumes. And I actually and look, it's
8:54
Speaker 2: not as if I want to feel like, see that's
8:58
Speaker 2: not what I would one, but I actually want everyone
9:02
Speaker 2: to actually take this in and consider this and ask
9:05
Speaker 2: themselves if this is something that feels healthy or okay. So,
9:12
Speaker 2: George went on to say that he doesn't pick fights
9:15
Speaker 2: with his wife because it's futile. Here were his exact words.
9:21
Speaker 2: You're never going to win the argument, so why even
9:25
Speaker 2: get in it. And then Travis Kelsey responded with so true.
9:32
Speaker 2: Your reaction, babe, Okay.
9:36
Speaker 1: Let me tone it down here for this reason, I
9:40
Speaker 1: want to ask you first, you didn't just read it.
9:42
Speaker 1: You saw you saw the clip, right, yes, so you
9:45
Speaker 1: saw their demeanors and how this was delivered. Let me
9:48
Speaker 1: ask you that for context. Was it coming off in
9:52
Speaker 1: a joking manner? Just boys being boys kind of a thing?
9:56
Speaker 2: Yes, it's guys kind of sharing their survey tips in
10:01
Speaker 2: a way. Is what it felt like to me, Like
10:03
Speaker 2: you're never gonna win the arguments, so I even get
10:05
Speaker 2: into it. So true, it's that kind of a thing
10:09
Speaker 2: like I In fact, but Travis has said in previous interviews,
10:15
Speaker 2: and I think this is charming and Okay, he's talked
10:18
Speaker 2: about how smart Taylor Swift is and how much smarter
10:22
Speaker 2: she is than him, and how much he's learned from her.
10:25
Speaker 2: I think that's awesome. I think the same thing about you, babe.
10:28
Speaker 2: I have watched you, listen to you and can actually
10:33
Speaker 2: take a step back and say, damn, I'm watching this
10:36
Speaker 2: man who I am in awe of and respect tremendously,
10:40
Speaker 2: and when he says something, it turns out almost always
10:45
Speaker 2: to be true. And that has actually guided me in
10:49
Speaker 2: moments where my ego might flare up, or I might think,
10:52
Speaker 2: oh I want to and I'm like, you know what,
10:54
Speaker 2: give it a beat. Let's see how it all unfolds.
10:57
Speaker 2: Because I see his brain and I respect it, and
11:01
Speaker 2: so in a weird way, I not that I would
11:04
Speaker 2: stay silent to defer because I don't want to. I'm
11:09
Speaker 2: avoiding a fight. But I actually admire your reasoning oftentimes
11:15
Speaker 2: and your intellect and your patients in ways in some
11:17
Speaker 2: ways that I don't I recognize I don't have. So
11:22
Speaker 2: I heard Travis say that, and I was like, Okay,
11:24
Speaker 2: I'm gonna give that to you. And that's really sweet
11:27
Speaker 2: and cool that you respect Taylor enough or you're like,
11:30
Speaker 2: you know what, even if I might think differently, he
11:33
Speaker 2: defers in a sense because he's like I see her brilliance,
11:36
Speaker 2: I see her intellect, and I'm like, you know what,
11:37
Speaker 2: let me learn. That's really cool. I think actually, as
11:40
Speaker 2: some like big you know, football player who probably has
11:44
Speaker 2: a big ego and it is used to being the
11:46
Speaker 2: big man on campus. The fact that he could say
11:48
Speaker 2: that about his fiance, I think that's really cool and
11:51
Speaker 2: I understand it to a point. However, it folks the throat, Yes, yes,
12:00
Speaker 2: I think it is dangerous to avoid a conversation that
12:06
Speaker 2: might be difficult because you don't think you're going to
12:11
Speaker 2: win the conversation.
12:13
Speaker 1: I think everybody agrees with that. Right, they are giving
12:16
Speaker 1: us a reason to have this conversation and a reminder,
12:18
Speaker 1: it's fine, I just want to I don't know. Actually,
12:22
Speaker 1: we don't know anything about their actual relationships. The only
12:26
Speaker 1: thing we know is what they've told us. Correct and
12:28
Speaker 1: so if they're telling us this and again, they could
12:31
Speaker 1: have been in a joking manner. But it did get
12:33
Speaker 1: a lot of people's attention, and it got a lot
12:35
Speaker 1: of people talking about this very thing. And I think
12:39
Speaker 1: we look at these couples and I think these are
12:41
Speaker 1: two couples. If you would ask people in the world
12:45
Speaker 1: who you aspire to be like, these are perfect couples,
12:50
Speaker 1: perfect beautiful, jet setting, celebrity, wonderful lives, right, you would
12:55
Speaker 1: want to be like them. And now to hear the
12:57
Speaker 1: relationships are the relationships are perfect? Broke?
13:01
Speaker 2: It is. It could be aspirational and it could be
13:05
Speaker 2: annoying like it's hashtag couple goals, but also could feel
13:10
Speaker 2: defeating if you're not in that relationship. If you fight
13:14
Speaker 2: all the time with your significant other, if you're constantly
13:19
Speaker 2: feeling like you're not jibing when you see and you hear.
13:24
Speaker 2: So it's one thing to see it on Instagram and
13:26
Speaker 2: to see it on the red carpet and to see
13:28
Speaker 2: it in video and what but to hear them say
13:32
Speaker 2: we never fight, that can actually be really depressing and
13:38
Speaker 2: hard to take in, Like, really, your gorgeous, you're rich,
13:44
Speaker 2: and your relationships perfect. That's tough. And so it inspired
13:53
Speaker 2: us to do a deeper dive on what the experts
13:56
Speaker 2: think about this notion of couples who say, and that's
14:02
Speaker 2: all we can base it on, say they never argue,
14:06
Speaker 2: they never fight. What do the experts say about that
14:11
Speaker 2: kind of relationship? There is a consensus consensus, babe. I
14:16
Speaker 2: have not found one licensed educated psychologist, psychiatrist, couples therapists
14:25
Speaker 2: who believes that that is actually a sign of a
14:30
Speaker 2: healthy relationship. Welcome back everyone. We are talking about those
14:44
Speaker 2: perfect couples who just don't fight. And we're not saying
14:48
Speaker 2: don't fight a lot. We're saying don't fight ever, never,
14:53
Speaker 2: not once, not once. George and Lamal Clooney say in
14:57
Speaker 2: ten years, never fought, never fight, single fight and now
15:01
Speaker 2: we're hearing the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelcey in their
15:04
Speaker 2: entire two and a half year very public relationship. Travis
15:09
Speaker 2: Kelcey said, they have never once gotten into an argument.
15:16
Speaker 1: Why, Well, for me, that reads for them, I could
15:19
Speaker 1: say George and them all not necessarily, but that reads
15:22
Speaker 1: for some reason for Travis.
15:23
Speaker 2: And do you want to believe that? Is that something
15:26
Speaker 2: to aspire to?
15:29
Speaker 1: I don't know. I've learned so much about you through conflict.
15:34
Speaker 1: I've learned it. You are not I've learned a lot
15:36
Speaker 1: about me. You are not who you are in your
15:40
Speaker 1: good times. It is who you are in that difficult
15:44
Speaker 1: in that trench, in that in those moments where you're challenged,
15:48
Speaker 1: and sometimes you're challenged in a relationship by the one
15:51
Speaker 1: you love and you need it like you need it
15:55
Speaker 1: because it's going to come. There's going to be a
15:58
Speaker 1: moment that you don't chewse that's going to challenge your
16:01
Speaker 1: relationship and you have to know how to deal with that.
16:07
Speaker 1: Travis and Taylor are going to get challenged at some point.
16:11
Speaker 1: There's going to be some awkward something is going to
16:14
Speaker 1: come up, and it has already. How they deal with it,
16:19
Speaker 1: I don't know, But that's just the reality of relationships.
16:22
Speaker 1: I don't give a damn who you are so sure
16:26
Speaker 1: if you say you haven't fought, haven't had an argument,
16:30
Speaker 1: I'm telling you it's impossible for two human beings to
16:32
Speaker 1: be together for ten years and not have a disagreement. Now,
16:36
Speaker 1: if it leads to an argument or a fight, I
16:38
Speaker 1: don't know. But obviously they haven't been in one hundred
16:42
Speaker 1: percent agreement on everything for ten years.
16:46
Speaker 2: And I'm not trying to not believe them. But I
16:51
Speaker 2: also would say this, First of all, there are a
16:53
Speaker 2: couple of things. How do you define an argument?
16:56
Speaker 1: Yes?
16:56
Speaker 2: Or a disagreement or a fight?
16:58
Speaker 1: We disagree every day?
16:59
Speaker 2: Yes, we agree every day exactly.
17:02
Speaker 1: You don't fight every three months even.
17:04
Speaker 2: We, I would say, would you agree we have not
17:09
Speaker 2: had a fight in six months?
17:11
Speaker 1: I can't remember the last one.
17:13
Speaker 2: I can't It was in June.
17:15
Speaker 1: What is it about?
17:16
Speaker 2: I don't want to get into it all that I win,
17:21
Speaker 2: But I would say that I have watched you, and
17:27
Speaker 2: I have obviously witnessed myself choose to stay open and
17:34
Speaker 2: to not be immediately defensive, and to learn and to
17:39
Speaker 2: try to understand where the other person's coming from, and
17:42
Speaker 2: that is on a fight that is actually progress, but
17:45
Speaker 2: it only comes through disagreement or an acknowledgment of something
17:51
Speaker 2: you weren't aware of, And when the other person who
17:53
Speaker 2: you love and respect brings it up in a respectful way,
17:57
Speaker 2: you can grow and get closer and understand each other better.
18:02
Speaker 2: I would not say that as an argument. That is
18:05
Speaker 2: just a willingness to be open to recognizing that maybe
18:09
Speaker 2: the way you do things rub somebody else the wrong way.
18:13
Speaker 2: So if they've only if they've managed to just do that,
18:18
Speaker 2: that's remarkable. We're there now, and I hope we stay there.
18:23
Speaker 2: I'm sure there will be another fight. I hope. I
18:27
Speaker 2: would love for there not to be. We've had enough
18:30
Speaker 2: of them that I don't need any more, and I
18:33
Speaker 2: am incentivized to recognize that if you say something, it matters,
18:38
Speaker 2: and I need to pay attention and vice versa. I
18:41
Speaker 2: hope where we respect where the other is coming from enough,
18:45
Speaker 2: but it took a little while to get there. And
18:49
Speaker 2: I would never think that we could go through the
18:54
Speaker 2: rest of our lives without ever having another fight. That
18:56
Speaker 2: would be a silly thing. I would be afraid to eat.
19:00
Speaker 2: Put it out there. I wouldn't even want to be like, hey,
19:03
Speaker 2: we haven't had a fight in six months, We're awesome.
19:06
Speaker 2: Like I'd be like tomorrow, we're gonna be like having
19:10
Speaker 2: the worst day ever. So I would want attend feint
19:13
Speaker 2: like that.
19:14
Speaker 1: But who in your family have you not had a
19:17
Speaker 1: fight with? Who in your life that you've known for
19:20
Speaker 1: any period of time? Have you never gotten into a
19:22
Speaker 1: conflict and argument what you would deem a fight? Everybody
19:26
Speaker 1: you can name.
19:28
Speaker 2: You have done that with every person I have loved,
19:31
Speaker 2: I have fought with ever.
19:32
Speaker 1: So it's I is it aspiration? No, no, no you uh no, no,
19:37
Speaker 1: get get into this. I asked you, this is there
19:39
Speaker 1: a single give me? I said, find me, give me
19:42
Speaker 1: the one person, the one professional out there who says
19:45
Speaker 1: this is aspirational, this is good, this is okay. And
19:49
Speaker 1: you shot that down and I didn't believe it.
19:52
Speaker 2: I searched. I searched all day long to try and
19:55
Speaker 2: find one professional who knows a lot more than we
19:59
Speaker 2: do that would say this is a sign of a
20:04
Speaker 2: good relationship. And I found quite the opposite. Look, And
20:07
Speaker 2: I do think and I want to give Travison. We
20:10
Speaker 2: want to give Travison. Taylor and George Lamaal credit like,
20:14
Speaker 2: we don't know how they're defining it, so we don't know,
20:17
Speaker 2: like this is zero judgment on them.
20:19
Speaker 1: But indament yet, Is this sparked a conversation actually between
20:23
Speaker 1: us and relationships?
20:25
Speaker 2: Yes, but I actually I found some really interesting and
20:28
Speaker 2: I think this will make everybody feel better about their
20:30
Speaker 2: own relationships, because that is part of it. This is
20:33
Speaker 2: an unfair aspiration that I think we might impose on
20:37
Speaker 2: ourselves because we hear things from Travis and George, thinking, shoot,
20:43
Speaker 2: that's not how my relationship is. Maybe my relationship sucks.
20:47
Speaker 2: I think the goal here is to make everybody feel
20:50
Speaker 2: a little bit better about the fact that it's okay
20:52
Speaker 2: to fight. In fact, a lot of therapists and most
20:55
Speaker 2: psychologists will say it's a healthy thing to do. So
20:57
Speaker 2: here's what psychology today. The therapist said, I read this,
21:01
Speaker 2: and I think I read this aloud to you. We've
21:04
Speaker 2: never had a fight. Honestly, this is one of the
21:08
Speaker 2: most concerning things an engaged couple can ever share with
21:12
Speaker 2: me during a marriage prep session. This is coming from
21:15
Speaker 2: a therapist on psychology today. She said that they often say,
21:17
Speaker 2: She'll here couples say this to her with big smiles tried,
21:22
Speaker 2: and she's like, oh boy, we have a lot of
21:24
Speaker 2: unpacking to do. Here's what she said, Here's what we
21:28
Speaker 2: want you to know from a licensed therapist. Conflict is normal,
21:34
Speaker 2: often necessary, and is a part of healthy relationships. Conflict
21:41
Speaker 2: can be a catalyst for change, growth, and deeper intimacy.
21:47
Speaker 2: Routinely avoiding conflict can actually backfire. And I agree with
21:54
Speaker 2: all of that, And she says, certainly we don't want
21:56
Speaker 2: couples in destructive conflicts or incessant back bickering, but when
22:01
Speaker 2: we engage with it well, conflict can be a catalyst
22:04
Speaker 2: for growth and connection. So we should not avoid conflict.
22:08
Speaker 2: We should navigate the inevitable spats and misunderstandings more deftly.
22:16
Speaker 2: I love that that makes sense because you and I
22:19
Speaker 2: disagree probably multiple times during a.
22:21
Speaker 1: Day, every single first you in the morning, we're arguing
22:25
Speaker 1: about something.
22:27
Speaker 2: But the point is if I can say and get curious,
22:30
Speaker 2: why why is he feeling this way, and not take
22:34
Speaker 2: it personally, that's a big thing he is in his
22:37
Speaker 2: you've got your thing. It probably has nothing to do
22:39
Speaker 2: with me. But I think a lot of times as partners,
22:42
Speaker 2: especially a couple who spends a lot of time together
22:45
Speaker 2: like we do. Maybe the egotistical natural reaction is to
22:49
Speaker 2: be like, is he saying I did something? Why is
22:51
Speaker 2: he mad at me? What did I do? And you
22:53
Speaker 2: start to and that is so the wrong way to
22:55
Speaker 2: go about it. So you get into this place where
22:57
Speaker 2: you can just get curious about your partner's situation and
23:02
Speaker 2: try to be of help and not take things personally.
23:05
Speaker 2: I have learned, I can say this. I have learned
23:09
Speaker 2: so much being in a relationship with you. I love you,
23:13
Speaker 2: I respect you, I like you, and I have been
23:20
Speaker 2: willing in a way that I haven't ever before to
23:23
Speaker 2: recognize my role in conflict. Isn't that part of it?
23:27
Speaker 2: Like recognizing We all want to blame the other person.
23:30
Speaker 2: But when you can take a step back and say,
23:32
Speaker 2: what was my role in that conflict? It's life changing.
23:38
Speaker 1: In the words of Patrick Swayzey, ditto, that's also I
23:48
Speaker 1: am rooting for both of these couples. I admire quite frankly,
23:50
Speaker 1: both of these couples. And when I heard you know what,
23:54
Speaker 1: I have been around enough, we have talked to enough
23:57
Speaker 1: people in our lives that when I heard those things,
24:00
Speaker 1: I didn't go, oh, that's cool. I said, well, wait
24:05
Speaker 1: a minute, and again they just they could be saying
24:08
Speaker 1: it just off the cop. We're not supposed to take
24:10
Speaker 1: it that seriously, but it is a worthy conversation and
24:13
Speaker 1: a thought to have about our own relationships. I love
24:17
Speaker 1: that we don't fight. We just we don't love it too.
24:20
Speaker 1: Disagree every single day about something we do. If we
24:24
Speaker 1: have conflict, I guess it could be deemed conflict, but
24:29
Speaker 1: it's resolved in such a way that it doesn't feel
24:32
Speaker 1: like conflict. We have something every single day about the girls,
24:36
Speaker 1: where the schedules go and who goes here? And when
24:39
Speaker 1: are we flying there?
24:40
Speaker 2: And well we're eating for lunch, Like any a fight
24:43
Speaker 2: could have ruped over.
24:44
Speaker 1: Anything, and just it today got crazy for us in
24:49
Speaker 1: a lot of ways where I had to go here
24:51
Speaker 1: and you had to go there, and I didn't want
24:53
Speaker 1: to do this, and you and I had a plan
24:54
Speaker 1: and it got messed up and it happens. We just
24:58
Speaker 1: we have learned how to resolved conflict as soon as
25:02
Speaker 1: we recognize it. And there's something in that to where
25:07
Speaker 1: you know, what if people asked us, if we were
25:09
Speaker 1: in the middle of an interview, we might sound like them.
25:13
Speaker 1: We might sound exactly like George and them all, Travis and.
25:17
Speaker 2: Taylor, but we would never say we don't fight. We
25:20
Speaker 2: might maybe in five years that would be awesome, but
25:25
Speaker 2: it only came through fighting and through Seriously, when you
25:30
Speaker 2: go through a fight and it's painful as hell, you're like,
25:34
Speaker 2: I do not what can I do to make sure
25:38
Speaker 2: this doesn't happen? And it's not about it and it's
25:40
Speaker 2: not about avoidance, because that was the only red flag
25:43
Speaker 2: I saw. And granted, he might have just been saying
25:46
Speaker 2: this off the cuff and it's not. It's not when
25:49
Speaker 2: he said, you're never gonna win the argument, so why
25:51
Speaker 2: get in it? That made me a little freaked out
25:54
Speaker 2: because I just want to point out, like, and again,
25:56
Speaker 2: that might have just been some funny, little anecdotal thing
25:59
Speaker 2: he said, but I do heard it.
26:00
Speaker 1: But you heard it. You didn't just read it, right.
26:03
Speaker 1: I heard it, So how did it come across?
26:06
Speaker 2: It's hard to know how what the level of depth
26:10
Speaker 2: was in it, but I do. I do think it's
26:14
Speaker 2: important to say this because this came from another therapist
26:17
Speaker 2: who I thought was brilliant online. I actually said I
26:20
Speaker 2: want to get her on the podcast. Yes, I loved her.
26:23
Speaker 2: She's out of South Carolina. This was really cool, and
26:26
Speaker 2: I think this might resonate for a lot of people.
26:28
Speaker 2: Many people hold back because they don't want to rock
26:32
Speaker 2: the boat. They fear being rejected, They worry about pushing
26:37
Speaker 2: their partner away. They assume their needs won't matter if
26:41
Speaker 2: they speak up. But choosing silence can feel initially like
26:45
Speaker 2: a way to protect the relationship, but in reality, it
26:49
Speaker 2: keeps partners from truly knowing one another, and silence can
26:54
Speaker 2: mean avoidance, unmet needs, and growing distance between partners. So resentment, disconnection,
27:02
Speaker 2: unraveling of intimacy, those are all the things that can
27:05
Speaker 2: happen if you don't speak up. Now. Look, I know
27:08
Speaker 2: it's always some you're like, is this worth saying something about?
27:12
Speaker 2: Is this worth me pointing out? But I do think
27:16
Speaker 2: if you honor how you're feeling and you say it
27:18
Speaker 2: in a respectful way, you've been really good about this.
27:20
Speaker 2: Like explain to me, hey, babe, I know you and
27:23
Speaker 2: I love you. But when you say this it can
27:25
Speaker 2: come off as this. And if you just say things
27:28
Speaker 2: the right way, it can still be painful to hear
27:31
Speaker 2: and receive, But coming from a person you love who's
27:34
Speaker 2: saying it in a loving way, you can actually say, Okay,
27:39
Speaker 2: I get it, I hear you, and I love you,
27:43
Speaker 2: and I don't want you to ever feel that way again.
27:45
Speaker 2: And so that's maybe a disagreement, but it's something where
27:50
Speaker 2: there is an understanding and you some one person has
27:53
Speaker 2: to speak up. If you don't say anything, avoidance is
28:02
Speaker 2: Apathy is the opposite of love.
28:04
Speaker 1: Oh man. If you get to apathy, and.
28:08
Speaker 2: That is the path you end up on when you
28:11
Speaker 2: don't speak up.
28:12
Speaker 1: Sometimes you're right. I have learned more about you through
28:15
Speaker 1: our disagreements than anything, and it helps me understand you
28:19
Speaker 1: and quite frankly, love you differently, and quite frankly a
28:24
Speaker 1: way that's necessary vulnerability, recognize some things in those moments.
28:30
Speaker 1: So it's look, I'm rooting certainly for these couples. But
28:34
Speaker 1: it was so interesting, and I think that was the
28:36
Speaker 1: line that set me off when you told me the
28:38
Speaker 1: George Claney line about why even bother you're gonna lose anyway,
28:42
Speaker 1: You said you knew it because you actually set me up.
28:44
Speaker 1: You said what you think about that, That's actually how
28:48
Speaker 1: you said to me, So you knew it was gonna
28:50
Speaker 1: you knew how it was gonna react.
28:51
Speaker 2: You're the opposite of that, and I respect the hell
28:54
Speaker 2: out of that. So just remember that, guys, if you
28:57
Speaker 2: say it in the right way and you say it
28:59
Speaker 2: with love, it might sting initially, but I do think
29:05
Speaker 2: that is the best way forward, because we're all learning,
29:09
Speaker 2: aren't we all? So anyway, I just I thought it
29:11
Speaker 2: was important we were just Look, we'd all love to
29:15
Speaker 2: have a relationship where we didn't fight with our loved
29:17
Speaker 2: one but.
29:19
Speaker 1: Or and had houses only como.
29:23
Speaker 2: Private planese people to cook and clean for us at all.
29:28
Speaker 2: That might ease some of the argument that we envy
29:32
Speaker 2: them more than just for the not fighting, is what
29:34
Speaker 2: I'm saying. Oh but anyway, we hope that well, I know,
29:39
Speaker 2: I guess everyone just feels maybe not so alone and
29:42
Speaker 2: feels seen and heard. We've definitely fought, and we know
29:45
Speaker 2: you probably do too, but hopefully it's with love and
29:48
Speaker 2: understanding and without everyone. Thank you so much for listening
29:52
Speaker 2: to us. I made me robock alongside DJ Holmes. We'll
29:54
Speaker 2: talk to you soon, y