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Monday Mini: Why Do You Cry When People Ask if You're Okay? · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Addie and Samantha. I welcome stuff on
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  Speaker 1: Never Told You Protective. iHeart Radio and today is November fourteenth,
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: twenty twenty four. I had to think about it, and
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: I thought, you know, we've got a lot going on.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We've been talking about our game plan of how we're
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  Speaker 1: gonna deal with the fallout of the election episode wise
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: here on the show, especially with the holidays coming up.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: So if things feel a little uneven, please just bear
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  Speaker 1: with us. We are people to yeah, which speaking of
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  Speaker 1: I was just curious about this because we are I
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  Speaker 1: mean content warning. We are talking about the election a
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  Speaker 1: little bit, but not really. We're mostly talking about why
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: do you cry when people like ask if you're okay?
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  Speaker 1: And to I guess I was telling Samantha, I can
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  Speaker 1: always tell what I wrote an outline and I was
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  Speaker 1: thinking about something very specific and maybe having some emotions
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  Speaker 1: about it, and I can tell I was when I
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  Speaker 1: did this one. But it's so it's not some kind
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  Speaker 1: of like takedown in any way. I feel like I
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  Speaker 1: have to Sometimes I'm worried people who know me listen
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  Speaker 1: to this and think I'm like talking directly to them,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm not. And I feel like a lot of times.
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  Speaker 1: The argument can be has been used about this, especially
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: after an election, especially after Trump wins an election, that oh,
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  Speaker 1: you're all being snowflakes, even though I would argue it's
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  Speaker 1: the other side, perhaps the biggest snowflakes who can't handle
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  Speaker 1: election results withou violence. But anyway, I think it makes
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  Speaker 1: sense that you when people ask if you're okay, you cry,
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  Speaker 1: And that was something that I was when I was
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  Speaker 1: I've always kind of been that way, but after the
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  Speaker 1: election I noticed it a lot where I'd be like, wow, today,
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  Speaker 1: You've gone a whole day without crying, and that someone
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: would text me they're like, are you okay? Like, no, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: So I've always been this way, I've just noticed it
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  Speaker 1: a lot lately. It has gotten better for me, specifically
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  Speaker 1: as time has gone on, but it'll still especially if
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: I'm tired, Fine, I'm tired. Oh no. But there are
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  Speaker 1: a lot of reasons why this might be. One is
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  Speaker 1: a constant reopening or reminding of a wound if you
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  Speaker 1: feel compelled to answer honestly, And I know you and
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  Speaker 1: I have talked about this before, Samantha, but sometimes we
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  Speaker 1: have given honest answers to that question when it's clear
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  Speaker 1: they just wanted the yes, I'm fine.
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  Speaker 2: They wanted the not real good answer exactly.
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  Speaker 1: But sometimes I've done that without even meaning to do it,
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  Speaker 1: like it just happens. And I was thinking about this
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  Speaker 1: too interestingly and kind of sadly. But one of the
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: reasons you came onto this show was I think he
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: met me at a time in my life after Trump
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  Speaker 1: was elected, and I just couldn't like the like, yes
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  Speaker 1: I'm fine was much harder for me to pull off,
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: and so I was just like nope, and here life,
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  Speaker 1: and that led to our mini series on trauma and
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: here you are.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: Well should we do that one again?
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  Speaker 1: Oh? As a list, like as a playlist? Yeah, yeah, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: it's like who We're back? Yep. There's also another reason
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  Speaker 1: you might break down when people ask if you're okay.
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  Speaker 1: It is a hesitation to admit that you're not. And
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  Speaker 1: when you're confronted with that of that realization of oh,
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  Speaker 1: I'm not, you might break down. This one's big for me.
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  Speaker 1: Fear it'll be hard to stop once you do, or
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  Speaker 1: fear that you will break down at all. But like
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  Speaker 1: that idea of oh, if I answer this, it's gonna
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  Speaker 1: start a chaining action. I don't know when I'm gonna
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  Speaker 1: be able to stop. So I was invited to last weekend,
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: the weekend after the election, I did have a bunch
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: of wonderful friends reaching out and I was invited to
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  Speaker 1: kind of like a soup get away. So many people
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  Speaker 1: ask me to get soup. I love that I've got
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  Speaker 1: a soup name for myself, and I was I was
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  Speaker 1: very sick, like physically very sick, and I didn't go.
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  Speaker 1: But I was also thinking, like I'm I'm afraid what
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  Speaker 1: will happen if we start talking about it? And I'm afraid,
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  Speaker 1: like I'll just start crying and I won't stop. And
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  Speaker 1: I don't like doing that. And I've tried to examine,
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  Speaker 1: like why, but I just I think there's a lot
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  Speaker 1: of to impact there. But I don't like doing that.
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  Speaker 1: It feels out of control. It's I think that's one
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  Speaker 1: of the reasons, Like I love crying at the last
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  Speaker 1: of us too, is I know when I'm going to cry,
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  Speaker 1: Like I know I can anticipate it, but I don't
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  Speaker 1: like the kind of uncontrolled Oh God, I don't know
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  Speaker 1: when this is going to stop, Like I don't know
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  Speaker 1: what I'm going to say I don't like that feeling,
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  Speaker 1: and I didn't. I was scared of what would happen.
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  Speaker 1: And they would have been they're my friends and they
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  Speaker 1: would have supported me. It would have been fine, but
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  Speaker 1: it was just kind of a me me thing. Also,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes someone legitimizing your feelings can just make you cry.
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  Speaker 1: So if someone's like genuinely asking you, like, are you
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  Speaker 1: okay with probably the understanding you're not, that can that
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  Speaker 1: can get you to start crying. Not used to being
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  Speaker 1: people asking or being nice to you, or feeling grateful
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  Speaker 1: someone cares cares enough to ask that can that can
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  Speaker 1: make you cry. And I've definitely experienced that, or like
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: the smallest act of kindness that I'm like, oh my god,
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  Speaker 1: they care about me. One of the reasons I keep
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  Speaker 1: so many of things people give me, like notes. It's like,
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  Speaker 1: oh they care, I have this like physical evidence. Also,
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  Speaker 1: perhaps obviously it could be that you are anxious or depressed,
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  Speaker 1: and maybe this is just one one thing that is
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  Speaker 1: setting you off, maybe as a bunch of other stuff.
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  Speaker 1: So obviously too, like all of that can interact, multiple
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  Speaker 1: of those things could be happening at the same time.
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  Speaker 1: I did find something when I was researching this called
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  Speaker 1: highly sensitive people or HSPs. According to some sources, one
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  Speaker 1: of five people are estimated to be HSPs overall genders,
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  Speaker 1: and this is essentially believed to be people who respond
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  Speaker 1: and processed am lie more deeply, and it is believed
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  Speaker 1: to be genetic. But HSPs cry more than non HSPs.
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  Speaker 1: There have been studies into the brains in HSP people
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  Speaker 1: that show that they have higher brain activity when looking
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  Speaker 1: at people or things that they cared about, things like
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  Speaker 1: depression and anxiety are worsened. I'm not saying I think
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  Speaker 1: I have that. I just ran into it when I
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: was researching this. I am some I feel things deeply,
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  Speaker 1: but I don't know enough about this to know if
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: that's what's what I got going on. Things like race
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  Speaker 1: and trauma a factor here too, And like how you're
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: trying to monitor whether you cry or don't cry, so
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  Speaker 1: that's something else. There's also emotional monitoring, which is the
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  Speaker 1: flip side. If you find yourself constantly asking if someone
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  Speaker 1: is okay. This is pretty common with people who are
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  Speaker 1: marginalized and or have trauma. It's more of like a
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: trauma response to scam moods and feel safe. My dad
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  Speaker 1: was this like this, but he did not want the
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  Speaker 1: real answer to the question. He wanted you to say, yes,
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  Speaker 1: I am fine, I'm happy, But he does he had
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: his own trauma, and so as I've gotten older, I
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: come to understand that more so some of the like
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: things to look out for. If you're like, oh no, well,
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  Speaker 1: is that me constantly asking somebody if they're okay, or
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  Speaker 1: if they're or if they're upset even when they say
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  Speaker 1: they're not, having extreme anxiety when a close friend or
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  Speaker 1: partner is upset or hurting, a constant focus on the
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  Speaker 1: moodshifts of others, feeling like your role is to cheer
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  Speaker 1: someone up at all times, chronic apologizing, replaying social interactions
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  Speaker 1: over and over mentally. The interesting thing is I would
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  Speaker 1: I wouldn't say I do this, But then I was
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  Speaker 1: reading this and I was like, oh no, it's like
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  Speaker 1: half and half I do emotionally monitor. I think a
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  Speaker 1: lot of us do, because especially if you've got trauma,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: you're like, how is it? But I wouldn't have said, like,
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  Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm gonna have to think about this.
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  Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to think about it. But you know,
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  Speaker 1: there are a couple of things that you can do
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  Speaker 1: if you're frustrated by the fact that you For me,
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  Speaker 1: I get frustrated that it feels like I'm fine and
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  Speaker 1: then the question and I'm just crying. It's annoying. You
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  Speaker 1: can work on a couple of especially if you have
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  Speaker 1: something like anxiety or depression or whatever. Just work on
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  Speaker 1: dealing with the heart of what it is. You can also,
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  Speaker 1: like Samantha and I maybe have not done in the past,
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  Speaker 1: you can assess the truth of the question, like do
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  Speaker 1: they are they actually asking? Some people don't want the answer.
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  Speaker 1: It's just a polite thing we do. A lot of
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  Speaker 1: us do it. That's okay. It can be very shocking
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  Speaker 1: when you're just like, hey, how are you and somebody
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  Speaker 1: starts crying. You know, then hopefully I show you. I
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  Speaker 1: hope you show some compassion. But it can be very
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  Speaker 1: like WHOA, I was not expecting.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think I've ever done that, but I've had
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  Speaker 2: that done to me, and I'm like, oh, okay, I'm
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  Speaker 2: gonna need about fifteen minutes with you.
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  Speaker 1: Let's go sit down, let's go Okay, this is what happens.
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  Speaker 1: I swear to God, I've asked ever will my all right?
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  Speaker 1: You want to go sit over here.
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  Speaker 2: And the thing is specifically got brewery times where people
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  Speaker 2: would just I'd be like, hey, how's it going, And
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  Speaker 2: then I'd ask one question that just like something that
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  Speaker 2: you had told me previously that seems so nonchalant, and
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  Speaker 2: all of a sudden that broke something.
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  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, oh no, I'm so sorry.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: Oh no, yeah, that's what I feel like, I'm too intense.
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  Speaker 1: But yeah, I've thought about that with separate but related,
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: but I've thought about this with times where guys have
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: asked me out after I showed like the barrassed human
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  Speaker 1: interaction of like oh hey, I like, what do you do?
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  Speaker 1: He's in love, like I don't know something about I
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  Speaker 1: would interpret interpret it as like a kindness, and I
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  Speaker 1: might if I'm in a bad place, I might start crying,
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  Speaker 1: whereas I feel like some men in my life have
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  Speaker 1: interpreted it as ah, interest yeah, or I have started crying,
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  Speaker 1: and guys have used that as like, oh, she's being
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  Speaker 1: emotionally open with me, I can ask her out.
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  Speaker 2: Well, it's that conversation about him being able to be
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: a protector. M M yeah, Like we kind of delved
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  Speaker 2: into it in like the minisphere, but it's a really
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  Speaker 2: like gender response for sure.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yep, especially given some comments about protecting women whether
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: they want it or.
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  Speaker 2: Not, right or not because they don't deserve it.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah. God, Anyway, again we laugh because we're said, this
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: is my response. Yeah, but yeah, I think probably if
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  Speaker 1: it's something you're worried about. A lot of the sources
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  Speaker 1: I said did say suggest therapy or identifying where that
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: it's coming from, where that reaction is coming from, and
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  Speaker 1: what it is. I feel like I said that this
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: has been I've had this throughout my life, and I'm
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: I feel pretty like I know what it is, and
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  Speaker 1: I especially know what it is right now, so I'm
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  Speaker 1: not worried about it. I was just curious to look
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: into it because I think it's a pretty natural, right,
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  Speaker 1: pretty natural thing if you've got any kind of upset
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  Speaker 1: in your life.
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  Speaker 2: Right and also like your solution right now is isolation,
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  Speaker 2: because you know that's how you respond.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I got my solution, and some of them are
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: better than others. But you're a monica. Yeah, there you go.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: I've got wonderful people in my life checking in with me,
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: so it's all good. Well, listeners, if you have any
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: thoughts about this or any other information because this was
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: a pretty quick research Monday Minni. So if you if
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: you have any thoughts or any other resources or anything,
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: please right in and I'll let us know. You can
• 14:17
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• 14:21
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• 14:31
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• 14:33
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