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6 Weird Things Covert Narcissists Do · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at WalkWest.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, I just want to take a minute to say thank you so much for taking some time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm absolutely honored that you would take this time to tune in to the podcast.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Today we're gonna take a little bit of a turn.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna be talking about covert narcissists and six weird things that they do and how to respond.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: One of the topics that I talk a lot about is narcissism.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: I talk a lot about toxic relationships.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason being is many high performers and overachievers tend to find themselves in relationship dynamics that are not healthy, but they have a really hard time speaking out about it because, as a high achiever, they do not want to admit that there's something wrong with their relationship because subconsciously it feels like somehow they have failed.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so by talking about it, we are bringing this information to the light so that if there is some sense of failure or some sense of embarrassment or anything when it comes to toxic relationships, by bringing it into the forefront, we're hopefully making it less terrifying to really admit and to work through.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: So today's topic, like I mentioned, six weird things that covert narcissists do and how to respond.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Let's start at the top.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: The term narcissism generally refers to somebody who is highly self-absorbed.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Now, there is a diagnosis called narcissistic personality disorder.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: However, you in order to be diagnosed with that, you have to um meet certain criteria which only a specialized doctor can actually diagnose you with that.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Now, having said that, people can have narcissistic personality, they can they can have elements of the narcissistic personality.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: So let's just be clear that people with a narcissistic personality disorder have an inflated sense of superiority over themselves.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: They tend to be very self-centered, manipulative, with grandiose ideas about their own self-importance and their own self-worth, and they crave attention and acknowledgement that and honestly could be controlling or abusive.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Narcissists believe that the world owes them something, and at the same time, they have little to no regard of for feelings of other people.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: They have a really hard time being empathetic to anybody else.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: They take advantage of people to get what they want.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: However, the the real truth behind all of this is that people who have a narcissistic personality disorder generally have a very fragile self-esteem.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: They actually lack self-assurance, and so they need to feed on others to feed their ego.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Now, again, that's the narcissistic personality disorder.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: You have to have certain criteria, specific criteria in order to get diagnosed with that.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: That does not mean that people cannot have narcissistic traits.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Getting to our main topic though, what is covert narcissists?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Covert narcissists are also known as vulnerable or fragile narcissists.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: They generally appear quiet and introverted.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Due to a fragile self-esteem, a covert narcissist's self-worth depends on the admiration of others.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: So a covert narcissist's abusive behavior tends to be a little more subtle and usually not as noticeable as somebody with grandiose narcissist personality traits.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: They want to prove that they're better than other people.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: And well, you'll honestly see them comparing themselves to others more routinely, and they tend to need constant reassurance and validation.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: They feel bad for themselves when witnessing other people's successes.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: So they actually feel victimized by seeing somebody else succeed.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: They show passive aggressive behaviors and won't tell you directly that they are superior, but will express their disdain in other subtle ways.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, a covert narcissist may hurt you with a comment and then claim, I was just joking.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: It was just a joke.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Why can't you take a joke?
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  SPEAKER_01: What's the big deal?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, why are you being so sensitive?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Or they'll purposely forget to return your phone calls, forget in air quotes there, um, or do what they promise to do.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because their narcissism isn't so apparent, covert narcissists generally will fly under the radar, and that makes it-I hate to use this term, but it it does seem a little more dangerous because you don't really see it.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so the victims of covert narcissists generally don't even recognize that they're being emotionally abused for years and sometimes even for decades.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: So, really, let's talk about the difference between covert and overt narcissism.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: An overt narcissist is more easily spotted.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: They tend to be extroverted, loud, arrogant, selfish, self-absorbed.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: They're often also charismatic and charming.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, so the main difference between a covert and an overt narcissist is that the overt narcissist behavior is just more obvious to others.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's something that other people can pick up on too.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Overt narcissists display the typical narcissistic traits and behaviors.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: They lack empathy, they have that inflated self-image, they have an inflated self-perception, and they definitely show manipulative and self-centered behaviors.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, they have sudden mood swings that can be impulsive with outbursts of anger and hostility.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: On the other hand, your covert narcissist behaviors tend to be more subtle, as I mentioned before, and they generally are invisible to others who don't live with the narcissist.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: So, what that generally means is outside, other people just see the charismatic charming.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: They don't ever really get any sense that that person is self-absorbed.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, they but then the victim feels like behind closed doors it's a totally different story.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: So, weird things that covert narcissists do that will help you identify when you might be encountering one is um they have a clear sense of inferiority.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: So, what do I mean by that?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Covert narcissists appear insecure and self-deprecating, which is what makes them hard to spot.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, it's difficult to be friends with covert narcissists because they are constantly comparing themselves to others.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Or if you work with a covert narcissist, you may be overwhelmed by their demands.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: To make it look like they're indecisive and afraid of making mistakes, they outsource tasks and decisions to other people.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Another weird thing is they're hypersensitive.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: So a covert narcissist's unstable self-esteem can make them hypersensitive to criticism and rejection.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, they might get enraged by even the smallest criticism regarding their work, or they could get angry and lash out at themselves or someone else.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Another thing that they do is they really don't like to take responsibility and always blame others.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: So there's this tendency to blame others even for their own mistakes, is one of the more common uh weird things that a covert narcissist will do.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: They'll they believe that they are always right and better than anyone else, including you, so they're they always need to be in charge.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: However, they'll never take responsibility for what they say or do, blaming others for the mistakes or their failures.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Another thing that they do is gaslight those around them, which honestly isn't really weird because in the context of narcissists, this is something that comes up a lot, is gaslighting.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: But gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that covert narcissists will use to create these subtle but persistent interpersonal dynamics in which they have total power and control.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: So, for example, they will tell you obvious lies or deny saying them.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um they will they'll tell you obvious lies and then deny that they have said them.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: They may also twist what was said or done to make you feel forced to apologize, um, or they'll try to just confuse the situation by making you doubt everything.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Gaslighting often makes the victim question whether or not their reality is the truth, or whether they're losing their own sense of reality, which ends up leaving them feeling uh unworthy and also with a loss of their own self-identity.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Something else that a covert narcissist might do is just be completely just disregard others' emotions and needs.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: They are so self-centered and they lack the empathy, the empathy um widget, if you will.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, so they're not interested in understanding other people's emotions or needs, and so that what they'll only will consider what's good for them.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: And then finally, the delusions of grandeur.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: So covert narcissists um seem to be quiet and self-deprecating, but they actually feel superior to others.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: A covert narcissist will exaggerate their importance and uniqueness, profoundly believing that they are better than anyone else.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Which leads us to this big question how do you deal with this?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Well, this sounds easier than done, but it's really, really important that you hear this is that it's not to take their actions personally, it's to not internalize the things that they are saying to you.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, when we are high achievers or people pleasers, we tend to take other people's actions personally or internalize whatever happens to mean something about us.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: So it's really important with narcissists to make sure that we do not take it personally.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Setting boundaries is absolutely important when dealing with any type of narcissist because it's the only way to draw a line between you and the other person.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now, having said that, narcissists generally don't like to respect boundaries and they like to push them.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: So establishing them is really important and having consequences for not respecting them is equally important, which leads to this idea of standing your ground.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: When we're talking about narcissism, the cycle of abuse can take can can truly take you um, it can just make you feel like you're on the merry-go-round.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: It can make you question your own self-worth, it can make you question your own reality, it can make you forget who you are and have you start losing your own identity.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: So taking care of yourself, connecting with yourself, connecting with the people that truly do care about you, that you do feel emotionally safe with is so important.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Practicing mindfulness, but overall just really engaging in a in a practice of self-love and self-acceptance is going to be very important when dealing with any type of narcissist.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: If you are needing support in any of this, uh please feel free to reach out at any time at chatwithcomedy.com.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay healthy.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.