Latest / Magic Divorce Club Podcast / [LUXE] The Maiden and the Queen - how to stop abandoning yourself and move forward

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[LUXE] The Maiden and the Queen - how to stop abandoning yourself and move forward · Magic Divorce Club Podcast

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, I want to talk about queen energy this morning.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I know I talk about it quite a bit,
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: but today's workshop is going to be about how do we access that identity,
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: that kind of the archetype that is the queen and what the hell I'm talking about
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: in case you've come in and you're like,
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hannah talks about this queen energy stuff and I don't know what she means.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: So,
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: There are two different archetypes that I feel massively
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: show up during divorce.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And one is the maiden.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: So the maiden is like the playful, fun, loud,
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: sometimes might have a tantrum,
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: like that part of our spirit that's Really takes a battering during divorce.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then the queen for me,
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that you can kind of decide what your queen is going to be like.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so my queen is like really gentle and caring.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: She isn't going to take any shit either.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: So There comes a point where she kind of steps in and goes, okay, I've heard you.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I understand this is really hard and now we're going to take some action.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not some kind of queen of hearts dictatorship who's always pushing
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: and striving forward and You know,
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: whatever goes for the rest of your kind of soul and spirit.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: She has been like that in the past.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: She's been quite mean and
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: yeah, like really not very nice to the maiden.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to squash her and trying to stop her from existing.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: But what I learned over the process of my divorce was that I can't function as
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: a human being if I squash my maiden.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: So for
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: me, it was more about learning how to hear her properly so that
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: She then didn't sabotage all the things I was trying to do.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: So you may experience this all the time where you're like, right, I'm going to do this thing.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to be great.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then you find yourself in a puddle and can't seem to do any of the things
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: that you wanted to do.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of like where the maiden's sort of in the background going, no, no.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're not letting me do the things that I want to do,
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: so I'm going to mess up what you're trying to do.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, when we're going through divorce, it can make you feel very small, very...
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'll share the things I felt.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I felt unlovable, replaceable.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Not good enough.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, all that stuff that we have when we're growing up of, oh God, I'm not good enough.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: I hope nobody notices.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to pretend to be really exuberant and all the things I did that led me to
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: then become, uh,
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: very dependent on alcohol as a crutch to help me be more
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: because I didn't think I was enough.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, And Divorce just shines a really, really bright light on all of that stuff.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so the maiden goes,
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: like really goes full on into,
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how to cope with this because all the stuff I've been trying
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: to hide all these years is just out there for everybody to see.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I do not like it.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So Being able to access your queen when you really need her is such
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: a valuable skill, I believe, that I have learned.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And don't get me wrong, my maiden has a tantrum at least once a week, probably once a day.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I have learned just how to love her and to go, it's all right, it's all right.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And also to how to access my queen.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes all my queen is doing is holding space for the part
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: of me that's not okay right now.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes she's able to step up and go, right, what are we doing today?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get some shit done.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're in a place where you constantly feel like I can't do this.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be seen.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: What if I get it wrong?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: What if I'm rejected again?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: What if people find out the truth about me?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: I write about this in the book.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like,
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: people are going to find out that I'm actually just a shell,
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: a fancy shell that actually has nothing inside, nothing going on.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: The truth couldn't be further.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: It couldn't be cut further from the truth for me.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I know for you too, I know you all well now.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that that is,
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: you know, all the things that we fear people will find out are not real.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're not true,
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: but that doesn't mean that they're not felt deeply and that deserves
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: to be honored
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: and to be seen.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And for the queen to come in and go.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's all right, babe.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to stroke your hair until you feel better.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, the maiden is often just trying to protect us.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: When she is firing on all cylinders, she is so fun.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: She's the one that actually,
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: you know,
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: enables us to go out into the world and be like, hey, you know, this is who I am.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I can...
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, for me,
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: it's like I can show up on a video or I can show up and have a laugh and a dance on
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: a beach.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, just shows up and is silly and fun and can be creative and beautiful.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: But she's also really, really, what's the word?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when you...
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm worried that other things are going on.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I can't think of the word right now.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: It might come back to me.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: She's trying to protect us.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: She's trying to protect you as well.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: So the version that shows up and masks and is like, sometimes it's true.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when you're really at ease, you can show up and have a great time.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Other times you can show up and you're like, Oh God, I don't want to be here at all.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just going to pretend I'm okay.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Great.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm asking, um, And that's the, you know, and then we get home and we're like, what did I say?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: What did I do?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Did I, did I do anything silly?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Are people going to realize the truth about me?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so, yeah, the maiden can constantly be in the background trying to protect us.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: But she's not a problem.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: She's really not a problem.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: She's just very childlike and vulnerable at times.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: She's often the part of us that is frightened.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: The part of us that is grieving the things that we were told would happen and didn't.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: That fairy tale ending.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hits the maiden hard when we get divorced.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Wasn't supposed to happen.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: We were told that if we were good,
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: if we got married,
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: if we got,
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: had kids,
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: if we followed the rules,
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: everything would work out for us and we would be looked after and we'd not have
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: to worry about anything.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: You're in divorce.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: So of course she's disappointed.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: She might be angry.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: She might be embarrassed or lonely or rejected,
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: or like I say, feeling completely replaced if somebody else is already on the scene.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: There's so much for the maiden.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: To process.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: So when I say the maiden, I'm still talking about us.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's an archetype.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's the bit of us that is like, what the actual fuck?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so she often learns to cope.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: So you'll remember this throughout your childhood, up into your twenties, whatever.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is the part of us that learned to cope by people pleasing.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: By proving to others that we're worthy.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: By shrinking ourselves so that we fit into the right boxes.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: By over giving or staying quiet.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: By not asserting ourselves.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: By disappearing.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: By pretending things aren't happening when they really are and pretending we're okay with it.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Just the part of us that waited to be chosen rather than stepping forward
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: because that's not what good girls do.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: So what I learned the hard way,
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: as always with me,
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: was that you cannot get through this by telling the maiden to shut up and get on.